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Why did the farmer cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Its ok. i can handle it. Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom. | reddit/r/jokes(score=41) |
Cool prank: Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later | Maximofn/short-jokes |
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I'm not doing that." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother? My name is Paul. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did little Hitler get for his birthday? His Third Treich. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "I'm going to start a music app for weightlifters", 'response': "I'll call it Squatify"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Which river is always sad? The Crimea River | reddit/r/jokes(score=37) |
Pizza Hut Employee: I'm sorry but we don't deliver bog grass. I'm not even sure what that is. Moose: [incoherent bellowing] | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt. I don't need proof that I bought a doughnut. | mined:humoropedia.com / Mitch Hedberg standup |
What does cheese say when you take its picture? Make sure you get my Gouda side! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Shit all of my word files disappeared. who let the', 'response': 'docx out'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Is she hot?- A guy's reply to any story that starts with "This girl I know.." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
anxious. what do you do? yeah, that would make me anxious as well. what'd you do before? yeah, they're cutting jobs right now. I'll tell you that. everyone out. we need a hundred percent turnover. what did you do for the DNC? I'm sorry, I don't think anyone did a worse job than you. This guy's here, bro. You did the wo... | tiktok_standup |
Where's the best place to apologise to someone? Surrey. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Food Network makes me feel like a perv: Beat it It's not moist enough My wrist is tired Look how thick it's getting It's all about flavor | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I should have known that I was white trash like earlier on. I should have pieced it together Like: did anyone? did any of your chores as a kid include burning garbage? Not a one of you. Until you were raising your hand, what'd you burn in The burn barrel? The burn barrel, right. Everybody thought everybody fucking had ... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'What do you call a Spanish VR headset that happens to be a shampoo brand', 'response': 'El Vive'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Oh my goodness," said my wife, "our baby's kicking." I said, "Yes. That's generally how football works. | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the business man say to the gangster? Pull up your fucking pants. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I don’t trust those trees, son. Son: What?! Why not? They seem kinda shady to me. | reddit/r/jokes(score=111) |
What does Iraq and Bristol Palin have in common? Both of them are hard to pull out of. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I never drink too much. Except when', 'response': 'I drink'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Light travels faster than sound That’s why people seem bright until you hear them speak | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
I was there, roots on the ground at a founding father's plantation, growing learning as a white. for real, though, I was in there. I was in George Washington slave quarters. by the way, the first thing you do when you walk into George Washington slave quarters is you go: ooh, somehow worse than I thought they were gonn... | tiktok_standup |
Now there's a little something that I'd like to share. the only thing straight about you is your hair. No meaning to offend your sexuality, because really, you see, you've been real cool to me, You walking around with the play. you play a pimp, But the only thing play about you is your little gangster limp, and you see... | tiktok_standup |
Jared Fogle says, "Spell 'Tuna Sub' backwards and that's what I'll do in your kid's face" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I got caled into jury duty today... That's going to result in a well hung jury. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you do when you see a space man? You park in it, man. What do you do when you see a fire man? You put it out, man. What do you do when you see a post man? You repost it, man. | reddit/r/jokes(score=19) |
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend? Me: No, it's for me. Apparently it's weird that I've had 9 birthdays this year. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom and my girlfriend said, “This is a bit awkward.” I said, “Just ignore them.” | reddit/r/jokes(score=24361) |
{'question': 'Told my wife and kids that. I had a doctor appointment at 2:30', 'response': "Wife immediately came back with, 2:30, wouldn't that be a dentist appointment"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
How do u get a pool table to laugh? tickle its balls. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How does Davy Crockett like his pie? Alamo'd | Maximofn/short-jokes |
It's weird how no one on The Jetsons ever addresses the apocalyptic events that left only white Americans behind, living in the sky. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My gilfriend Is like Pokemon go servers. Unreliable Edit: bad spelling in title | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Role playing anybody here? role play Nice. what do we do? Big bro, little bro, nice, Are you, are you gay or do you? is that like a also a gender swap thing? or are we just talking? just two gay dudes f***ing each other off? one's got a little hat on. you know what I mean? Huh, two gay dudes. sick, nice. Are you the bi... | tiktok_standup |
Son: "Mom, Dad we need to talk.... I'm a vegan" **Mom cries running out the room Dad: Why can't you just have a normal eating disorder? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps. The next day he pooped his pants. | reddit/r/jokes(score=255) |
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio so I jumped out my car and shadow boxed till the light turned green. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Husband to wife: "I am impressed, you only talked to your friend on the phone for 20 minutes." Wife: "Oh, I dialed the wrong number" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I want to share a science joke on here... But, now i realise all the good jokes Argon. | reddit/r/jokes(score=40) |
Look officer I'm not high and I don't have any drugs in my car. | reddit/r/jokes(score=144) |
What's the highest story of any building? Floor 20 | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You're from Auburn, okay, Oh, I mean okay, Okay, Oh, shut the fuck up, We're not gonna boo the War Eagles. Wiggle, wiggle, live your life. I'm not doing sports, I'm not doing it, I'm putting my foot down. We did that on the last tour. We're not roll tidin', We're not war eagling. Hottie toddy, that is allowed, That is ... | tiktok_standup |
I mean, I just got engaged. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah, she's happy about it. I'm kidding, I just come to terms with it Because I had to. I had to buy her a diamond, which is the stupidest financial decision I've ever made, and that's coming from a guy wearing $300 sneakers. Do you understand? I... | tiktok_standup |
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now..... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you I'll stop. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The Foo Fighters wrote my favorite song about throwing up lunch There goes my hero! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What is Hillary Clinton's favorite type of shoes? Scandals | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Hey, yeah I'll be ready in a minute. I'm just going to shower and jerkoff. just kidding, I'm not going to shower | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "You're like an onion, said my wife. You have to peel back the layers to get to know me, I replied. She said, No", 'response': "You're small, round, you make me cry and you stink"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': "I couldn't sleep last night because I kept dreaming about engines", 'response': 'I woke up exhausted'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What type of car does a ghost drive? A BOOick. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My colour blind friend told me there were only two kinds of people in the world. I told him to stop seeing things in black and white. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the laptop memory have such a hard time in school? Because he was SO-DIMM! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Be alert! The world needs more lerts. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Did you hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground full of water', 'response': 'Well, well, well'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have . a soda water', 'response': 'The bartender replies “why the long paws'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
If you're a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I bought a really expensive laxative from the pharmacy', 'response': 'It gave me a good run for my money'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What kind of car does an Icelandic person drive? A Fjord | reddit/r/jokes(score=15) |
For all of you fighting about Black Friday, please remember... All Fridays matter. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? I hear it's making headlines | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A man sued his airline after he lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case. | reddit/r/jokes(score=36) |
I'm unsure whether I like my beard. But it's growing on me. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A man bursts into his bedroom, holding a duck.... He is clearly drunk, his wife notices as she wakes up. "This is the pig I fuck when you've got a headache!" he screams. "That's a duck, dumbass," his wife replies. He tells her, "I was talking to the duck!" | reddit/r/jokes(score=82) |
Two Irish woodsmen are looking for a job. "Look here Gary. It says, 'Builders wanted'. But we're not builders!" "What about that one?" "It says, 'Looking for Painters'." "But we don't paint!" "Times are tough eh? Here's one last job offer; it says, 'Looking for Tree Fellers'." "But, there's only two of us!" | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
I'm getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I've been to in the last week that's had "insufficient funds". | Maximofn/short-jokes |
This door? why? Jake? what are you doing? I'm waiting, Get food. where did you get food from Uber Eats? No, that is not. you took mommy's phone and ordered food. You hungry, I understand, baby, but you can't do that. come on, give me the happy meal. | tiktok_standup |
What should I buy for dinner? I see frozen peas are cool this time of year. ..you might say that's a corny joke, but it's really not. It's a pea joke. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
elephants are scared of mice they're like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps [a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge] | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My dad used to always warn me about anal. He would say "Now son, this may hurt a bit". | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Picking up girls is like the Cotangent function. I don't understand the cotangent function. | reddit/r/jokes(score=56) |
Why did the baker have smelly hands? He kneaded a poo. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I just axed this dude what kind of body spray he was wearing. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I wouldn't be mad. And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why do people say "Be there or be square"? Because if you're not there, then you're not around. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I once dated a girl who owned a pet parakeet. We broke up because that thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool | reddit/r/jokes(score=34) |
Just want to show my appreciation to all the staff working in the Intensive Care Units by saying I See You | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
Why do some women wear panties with flowers on them? In memory of all the faces that have been buried there. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's green, fuzzy, and hurts when it falls from a tree? A pool table. | reddit/r/jokes(score=26) |
What did the banana say to the vibrator? "I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed* Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses. Me: But- Wife: Everyone. Me: Fine. *puts on my dress* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Me: Did you just put your fingers in my drink? 5yo: I don't have poison on my fingers! Me: But why did you....wait, what? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Co-worker just dad-joked me Wow, it's pretty cold in here. Did you know that when you're cold you can stand in the corner of the room to keep warm. What. Why. Because it's always 90 degrees", 'response': 'This is not his first time dad-joking me'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What did Dr. Evil say when he fell in the rancor pit? Throw me a frickin bone here. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'A survivalist cooks ursa meat with women in bikinis who just got their braces off. Bear', 'response': 'Grylls grills bear with bare girls with bare grills'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Dad is the polite way of saying Motherfucker. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Detective: "Where were you on the night of the murder?" | reddit/r/jokes(score=27) |
{'question': 'A termite walks in to a bar', 'response': 'He says, Is the bartender here?'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Many homosexuals went into battle in World War I. Only a few came out | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You put the punch line in the title How do you ruin a good joke on Reddit? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
There's a woman named Jean who works in my lab and everyday she comes in stinking of body odor. I don't really speak to her much and rarely say hello, usually if I pass her in the hallway I just say "Hi Jean" | reddit/r/jokes(score=33) |
How can you tell there are two elephants in your fridge? You have to put the partly-eaten dismembered body of your infant daughter in the freezer instead. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Does anybody have any really old jokes that are actually funny? I'm talking antiques, 100 years +. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
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