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What do you call when a female physicist decides to try dating women for a change? The double slit experiment. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call a smart plumber? A wisecrack. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's hard and pink? A pig with a flick knife. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Why did the Roman warrior brag about performing oral sex on a woman', 'response': 'Because he was gladiator'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Going by the amount of beer I consume I think I'm technically a vegan. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I tried to tell my dog a knock knock joke. But he just started barking. | reddit/r/jokes(score=18) |
Why did the homophobic buffalo cry? It had a bison. | reddit/r/jokes(score=290) |
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries. | reddit/r/jokes(score=32) |
My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I heard that Chicago had a world renowned shooting range. So I went to go check it out. When I got there I couldn’t seem to find it, so I asked for directions... The guy I asked gave me a funny look and said, “The city of Chicago is the shooting range.” | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
What did the pirate say about the steering wheel in his pants? "Arrg, it's driving me nuts!" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Guys, Trump isn't Hitler... ...because Hitler actually won the popular vote. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I once took a ski away from an Eskimo... Then he dressed in black and got real depressed | Maximofn/short-jokes |
For David Blaine's next trick, he will move in to a series of increasingly small apartments and eventually die alone. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
When I meet a grammar Nazi... I hold them close and while patting them on the back gently whisper, "There, they're, their." | reddit/r/jokes(score=17) |
[nsfw] I like my women like I like my whiskey 12 years old and mixed with coke | reddit/r/jokes(score=78) |
A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river... The brunette yells across, "Help me get to the other side of the river!" The blonde yells back, "You *are* on the other side of the river!" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
used to party hard and I found that burning your money via candles is a great replacement. When I say I like candles, yeah, I'm going. diptych baby, thank you, I'm going. Joan Malone, think for me, Which also, like I'm from a council estate- What does fig really smell like? Does anyone? I'm just going on what Joe Malon... | tiktok_standup |
Somebody told me to go back to my country. I thought I was gonna be upset, but I didn't, Because I turned around and the guy was Native American. So I was like, f***, this guy's right, My bad, And listen, I'm Indian, okay, And us Indian people, we have a very strong bond with the Native Americans. You know why? Because... | tiktok_standup |
Did you hear about the guy who has his buttcheeks sewn together? He was Crackalakin. | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
Nice to meet you, Rai. What do you do, Rai? Just in a call centre? Oh, mate, Fucking off that. Just don't go by your name among me, Don't go Fucking. who'd you wait for BT? Oh, they're fucked anyway. You together, are you? Oh, it's nice, isn't it? What's your name, Olivia? What do you do, Olivia? Oh, mate, Must take yo... | tiktok_standup |
Today, I saw twin pandas. That bears repeating. | reddit/r/jokes(score=36) |
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My cousin likes to eat cereal with water instead of milk He says he does it to drown the cornflakes because he is a cereal killer. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What do you call a male ant', 'response': 'An uncle'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Why did the doctor diagnose Trump with autocannibalism? Because he's full of himself. | reddit/r/jokes(score=50) |
What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after three periods!^I^will^see^myself^out^now | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street. Police are combing the area. | reddit/r/jokes(score=70) |
{'question': "My uncle struck gold carrying groceries in today We're having a family BBQ and he's carrying all the drinks in from the car. Me: Hey Uncle B, need help carrying anything in. Uncle: I got it", 'response': "it's light beer anyways"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
My asshole neighbor came and rang my doorbell at 3am this morning.... Luckily I was still up playing my drums. | reddit/r/jokes(score=99) |
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? "How long have you been having this phantasy?" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What is worse than 10 dead Babys on a Tree? 1 dead Baby on 10 Trees. I know I am going to hell for this. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
want my number. which number do you want, George? because I got numbers coming out of my ears. for instance, ten, that's how many months old my baby girl is. six, that's how old my other daughter is. two is how many times I've been married and divorced. and with all the numbers I give you, I'm guessing zero is the numb... | tiktok_standup |
I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature | reddit/r/jokes(score=182) |
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost few days already. | reddit/r/jokes(score=42) |
{'question': 'Parallel lines have so much in common', 'response': 'It’s a shame they’ll never meet each other'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don't drink and drive. But please still drink." | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
A girl tells her Irish mom she wants to be a prostitute. 'A WHAT?' The mother shouts. 'A prostitute' replies the girl. 'OH thank god!! I thought you wanted to become Protestant! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do you jump out of a fifteen-floors building without getting hurt? You jump from the 1st one. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Let me start at the beginning', 'response': 'BANG!!!!!'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What's a toddler with epilepsy's favorite pizza restaurant? Little seizures. See you all in hell. | reddit/r/jokes(score=610) |
Q: What do you call an 800 pound gorilla? A: Anything he wants to be called. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'All the letters of the alphabet walk into a bar. Why does only one of them get a drink', 'response': 'Because the bartender keeps saying, “Can I get U anything'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'To the person who stole my MS Office, I will find you', 'response': 'You have my word'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Something you think we should know about you as we get to know you. what do you think? the three thousand people in front of you, what's something interesting about you? I'm not retarded, but I like rocks. I just like how they feel. you know what I'm saying. they feel real good. I got this one. I think that feel good. ... | tiktok_standup |
Did you hear about Titanic II gearing up to set sail in 2022? Good thing we melted all our glaciers in the preparation. | reddit/r/jokes(score=24) |
I told a co-worker I got a new set of windshield wipers for my 11 year old Sonata. He said "Good trade, man". | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
Girlfriends are similar to Chrome They use too much of your resources | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles? Me: Do you remember spray painting my car? 13: yeah M: Are you breathing? 13: yeah M: Well, there ya go | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why I love duct tape? It can turn "No, no no!" into "mmph, mmmph, mmmph" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'The creator of the knock knock joke', 'response': 'should get a Nobel prize'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'I had fun angering our local magician the other day', 'response': 'He pulled his hare out'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I think I have Ebola." "JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you do with a rubber trumpet? Join an elastic band. | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
I met a girl who's family is so loaded... even the bags under her eyes are designer | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder. Well, three can play that game! | reddit/r/jokes(score=23) |
{'question': 'What do you call a dog with no legs', 'response': 'Doesn’t matter, he won’t come when he’s called anyway'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Heard of a joke that made people hate me. It's called the game. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
As you get older, you realize that every race got hateful things Right. Mexican, Puerto Ricans, beautiful people- not one has ever played the quiet game. East Asians: very smart, but they drive their kids too hard, right? black people Aren't perfect. How about one of these? Just nothing to say here, just a big fan, Jus... | tiktok_standup |
People say that I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades. And then all your friends feel bad, because they kept yelling "Stroke!" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I took my family skiing this weekend', 'response': 'It went downhill from the start'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Why do orphans have iPhone Xs Because it has no home button | reddit/r/jokes(score=16) |
one of my friends told me she's pregnant 10 weeks and 9 days pregnant. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call a french lesbian? A tresbien | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A man walks up to a girl smoking in a bar. He ask if she knows of sudden infant death syndrome. She replies 'wut'... He says 'cause smoking kills, baby' | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A vacuum cleaner salesman A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet and said If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left I replied I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning | reddit/r/jokes(score=33) |
Soviet Russia would've banned Minecraft Until it was called "Ourcraft" | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Then he put a black rubber ball in her mouth with a strap around her head I'm just telling you what I saw | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the best thing about blowjob? A moment of silence... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
When a woman asks how good I am in bed... I'm definitely not the second coming. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
So a snail walks into a car dealership.. He goes up to the dealer and he says, "Alright, I want it cherry red, with white-walls, and leather seats, and I want a *big* 'S' painted on the the side." After he rings it the dealer looks at him and he says "I understand white-walls and leather seats, but why the letter 'S' o... | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
A man walks into a doctors office A man walks into a doctors office and says Man: "Doctor, Doctor! I have 5 penises!!" Doctor: "That's amazing! How do your pants fit?!" Man: "Like a glove." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Did you hear about the guy whose eyes fell out', 'response': 'His doctor prescribed him eye DROPS'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
i don't see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower's job to clean me | Maximofn/short-jokes |
There are three things I hate most in life... People who can't do simple math, and irony. | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
I bought some walking boots off a drug dealer this morning. | reddit/r/jokes(score=29) |
A Horse Walks Into A Bar And the bartender says "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do brexit and my dog have in common They beg to be let out but just sit at the door when they finally are | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
We to help you notice shit like that. but you got to be careful with this super strong weed because you can't do everything you regularly do. It's easy to get high. It is not easy to get unhigh when your baby walk in the room. Now you in the house cleaning up shit that don't need to be cleaned, Your baby be like I don'... | tiktok_standup |
Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Japanese government has announced a new immigration policy. They've decided to introduce a new visa called the Otaku Gaijin-san visa. I think this system is wonderful. Otaku Gaijin-san are sensitive people and have felt lonely for a long time. At that point they are already assimilated into Japanese society. According ... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'I went to get my face casted a month in advance so I could be put on display in a wax museum', 'response': 'I think I was getting ahead of myself'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What was Dracula’s last meal? A stake! | reddit/r/jokes(score=19) |
A horror movie with all black people lmao "Ayo what's going down in ya basement?" "That ain't my business" "I feel ya" *Rolls credits* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Canadians have to stick together. Really, it's the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don't have much of a choice. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Girl, you must be Saint Peter... Cuz you've denied me three times already. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Cecil the lion's brother was just poached in Zimbabwe That family is like the Stark family of the animal kingdom | Maximofn/short-jokes |
*discretely picks a booger* *slyly wipes it on her blouse* Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between a feminist and a bomb vest? The bomb vest actually does something when triggered. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass??... Very satisfying... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the best way to pack a dead person in a cardboard box? Body centered cubic | Maximofn/short-jokes |
One day I was wondering why my older brother's hand was getting bigger. Then it hit me | reddit/r/jokes(score=48) |
{'question': "Chairlift joke from a new dad I'd been waiting for it to kick in. 10 months after having baby, on a chairlift in Gatlinburg with my wife: Wife: This chairlift is a lot nicer and more stable than the one in our little theme park back home", 'response': 'Me: It has a lot more riding on it'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but...they can't make a microwave that I can put metal in. Someone isn't trying. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
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