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CleanComedy

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What does a neckbeard eat for breakfast? Pankeks.
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I met an exercising nun. She was a firm believer
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how do police know that princess diana had dandruff? they found her head and shoulders under the steering wheel .
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I made a program to generate puns, but I stored them in the wrong type of variable No pun int. Ended
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The wheelchair You know the joke by the punchline in the title. I will see myself out.
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Vici, vidi, veni We conquered, we saw, we came.
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santa at an interview in an it company . manager : do you know ms office? santa : if you give me the address , i will go there sir .
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So I saw infinity war yesterday Avicii dies
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I can do a Snake impression My friends say it's pretty solid
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Why don't girls wear skirts in the winter time? Cuz they'll get chapped lips. Brr.
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Q: What happens when two oxen bump into each other? A: You have an oxident.
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Guys a new person joined the homeless club Say hi to Quasimodo!
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an egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river threedots he's still in the nile .
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Even after repeated search attempts, the atom couldn't find its lost electron. Yet, on the brighter side, it remained positive
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What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? The first couple of times you cough, the loogeys aren't yours!
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What does my little sister and milk have in common? They have a expire date
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i knew my younger sister was becoming an archeologist after she started dating her best friend's father. she loves to be around old bones
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thursday is like your high school boyfriend. it feels good but you know something better is right around the corner
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what does a new tesla car smells like? elon musk
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when someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it's polite to act surprised
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I'm at a red cross event in Ethiopia and I ask a kid what his favorite food is he responds "What is food?"
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How does a frog greet a rabbit during the holiday season? Hoppy holidays, and have a hoppin New Hare! Happy holidays everyone.
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The blind guy was shocked when his mom died unexpectedly He didn't see that coming.
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Heard about the school shooting in Crimea? It was close to the Crimea River.
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What does a human have in common with a chicken? They both taste amazing
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Q: What do you call a fruit that stays up very late to study for tests? A: A cramberry.
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What kind of yogurt does a skeleton eat? Actibia.
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Why did the skeptic man have high blood pressure? Because he kept taking advice with a pinch of salt!
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How does a Hutterite find his sister in a corn field? Very good
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How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Seriously my light in my basement is out and need to know how many to get.
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why can't pirates finish the alphabet? they get lost at c .
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What can you serve but not eat? Divorce papers.
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What do the twin towers and kobe bryant have in common? They both blew up
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if you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might i suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview .
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What did the man in the "Race for a Cure" say to the three people beside him? "we're walking four abreast."
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what did one cell say to his sister that stepped on his toe? mitosis
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What Schools and school shootings have in common Sometimes we don't want to do it but it has to be done eventually
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don't regret doing things, regret getting caught
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What color were Kurt Cobaine's eyes? Blue. One blue one way and one blue the other way.
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We would tease Jacob because he had glasses. Once we pulled them of him, but then he began to tease us because we had glasses
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What's it called if women in heaven still menstruate? A grace period.
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what's the difference between a priest and acne? acne waits till puberty to come all over a kid's face .
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I can have dinner at a native American restaurant. Who needs reservations?
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Call me weird but I like kids' meals in fast food restaurants And i also like the kids there
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What did the physics professor shout when he disproved Hooke's Law in early to mid March? Spring break!
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What was Chris Benoit's favorite match type to practice at home? Triple Threat
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Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life? He had a stable job. I guess uh.. I'll just leave
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note to self: do not try shopping for a pearl necklace online . ever . again .
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question everything. or should you ?
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Why did the lone dolphin stop swimming? He didn't see a porpoise...
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They call me Moses. Cause I parted that Red Sea last night
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I can't believe no one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!
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what has five arms , three legs and a head? the finish line at the boston marathon
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how do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting? talk in your sleep .
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Why did the Limestone feel unappreciated? Because he thought people were taking him for granite.
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My wife's cooking is incredible. With a silent 'cr'
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Where did Noah keep his bees? In his ark hives
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why does Stephen hawking only do one liners he can't do stand up
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i've reached this point in life , where i have no idea what i'm doing. i've always been there , i just admit it now
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Where did the family go after the explosions? Everywhere.
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Never heard this joke before. neither will you
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Girls like it when guys are mysterious and enigmatic... So I've stopped telling my 'girlfriend' where her family is.
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Why can't bike stand on its own? ...because it's two tired.
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New Soviet sitcom: World Meets Boy
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soft drink. Clean Jock A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
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i only have two feelings, it's either " i'm hungry " or " i shouldn't have eaten this much "
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I have an excellent memory. I cant even remember the last time i forgot something
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how do you make a kleenex dance? put a little boogie in it .
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A cartoonist died in his home. Details are sketchy
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what is that thing called when your crush likes you back? imagination .
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What does a skydiver do when his parachute dosen't open? Skydying
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A Stormtrooper and a Red Shirt get into a firefight. The Stormtrooper misses every shot, and the Red Shirt still dies
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Did you see the bus that hit Helen Keller Neither did she.
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You don't have to like me. I'm not a Facebook status
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My online therapist says you can't live your life in fear. He also sells shampoo
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How do you know that peanuts are fattening? Have you ever seen a skinny elephant
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if two wrongs don't make a right , what do two rights make? the first airplane .
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To everybody whose birthday is today. I am sorry that your birthday was not yesterday, otherwise you would have had a puny birthday
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How's it hanging? directly below the point of suspension
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What's the difference between George Michael and Carrie Fisher? Two days.
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What do you call a group of depressed people? Suiside Squad
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helen keller what was helen keller's favorite color? corduroy .
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what did the captain say to the men before they got on the boat? " men , get on the boat . "
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What do you call a horse with no nose? A yes horse.
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what's the fastest animal in the world ? a chicken crossing ethiopia. what's the second fastest animal ? threedots the ethiopian chasing it
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why did the spider cross the road? to get to his website !
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what's the difference between linkedin and mcdonald's? mcdonald's knows how to use salt
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First Date Me: "I work everyday with animals." Her: "Oh how sweet!! What is it that you do?" Me: "I'm a butcher."
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Parliment and Funkadelic used to be great bands... But now they are defunct.
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what's the difference between you and a baby bird. the bird got laid
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You know those voices in your head? Choose the smartest, sanest one and call it you.
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Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that
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i love grape but the g is silent
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What is one charity that has a higher death rate than PETA? Make a wish foundation
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Throwing a life preserver to someone drowning in boiling oil is a futile act. Unless of course that life preserver is made of dough
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Would you like to try African food?? They would too. They would too.
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My dad just had thought surgery and i asked him if he could still talk he said yes, and i'm about to email the doctor to see if i can get my bribe back.
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Did you hear that Helen Keller joke ? Neither did she.
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what sign did the mother put up in her neighbourhood when she realized her child's iq was below average? slow children playing
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My dad's a magician He's done a disappearing act since I was young.
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