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gorovuha
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CleanComedy

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I am a male who goes through monthly week long periods. of unrest while my wife is on her menstruation cycle
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i have a bad ping. it might be terminal
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I'm worried about the calendar. Its days are numbered
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Ppl at Starbucks are weird. They love it when I bring our chihuahua in a little baby stroller, but get all freaked out when I let him nurse
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A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore. I told him to grow a pear
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Why does the Italian pasta maker always get locked out of his house? because he has gnocchi
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if you think special k is boring, wait till you try normal k .
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What does a chicken do on Reddit? It relays its eggs.
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What's the difference between Naruto and Bleach? No one ever told me to drink Naruto
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What you dad say to you sister's friend? If there's grass in the field, I'll play.
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why couldn't the bike stand by itself? because it was two tired
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I've just bought a film on DVD about a prisoner that finally gets parole. I've waited years for it to be released
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Who is Jay Gatsby's favorite superhero? Green Lantern. And his least favorite? Deadpool
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Baby, I hope you are an ISO file cuz I wanna mount you.
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how many performance artists does it take to screw in a light bulb? i don't know either , i walked out early too .
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we're having a baby. My name, address and telephone number
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Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they would be called baygulls. My dad loves this joke.
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Why did the chemist ask to eat beans with the Queen? To learn how noble gasses are formed.
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attractive woman : what time is it? me : haha . yeah definitely
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I was disappointed to find out my countertops were linoleum. I guess i took them for granite
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Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
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What kind of soda do dogs drink? Barq's Root Beer.
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Why was the zombie in such a rush to get to his book signing? He had deadlines to meet
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I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her
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somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman
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just when i think i've run out of tweets, i come up with this one .
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yes , i read the internet. but only for the articles
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what program do jedi use to pdf files? adobe wan kenobi
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I have a way to make math easier. Make the numbers communist. That way, every number is equal.
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i lost my laptop on the beach yesterday now it's a dell, rolling in the deep
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i got a new job ! i got a great new job working for the mint. i'm gonna make so much money ! also steal a bunch
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did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art ?
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wait, there's nothing in this air and space museum !
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i watched mad max: fury road today .
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what do you call an ethiopian with a yeast infection? a quarter pounder with cheese
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How is a man and a Tuba similar? You blow the bottom half and noise comes out the top half
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If Jason Bateman had a servant. Would his servant call him Master Bateman
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you say, " i think we should see other people " like i haven't been doing so ever since we started dating .
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i dropped my phone, is everyone okay ? !
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what breaks when you give it to a twelve year old? her hips .
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what happens when an elephant sits on a car? it breaks the trunk .
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What is Kobe Bryant's least favorite song? I Believe I Can Fly
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I have a stepladder... It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
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why did the blind couple get divorced? they couldn't see eye to eye
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Have you guys heard about Ariana Grande's career? I heard it's really booming
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what do you call a tortoise in a shell suit? a tortoise .
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why did jesus stop playing hockey? because he kept getting nailed to the boards .
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writing my first book, i got stuck on the details threedots threedots ended up haiku .
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arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement threedots threedots in the end, you ignore it all and click " i agree " .
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today we celebrate the birthday of a man who changed the way we see and understand the magic of the universe. happy birthday isaac newton
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if actions speak louder than words, then why is it the thought that counts ?
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What do you call an Argentinian victim of grand theft auto? Carlos
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Today at my school, someone dressed up as the Reaper for Orange Ribbon week He was looking pretty Grim
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what did the pony say when it had a sore throat? sorry i'm a little horse !
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what is the biggest battery size? the d . it's huge .
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what does Micheal Jackson have in common with an Xbox they are made of plastic and little kids turn them on
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i slept right through the alarm this morning. good thing it was only a small fire
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A list of sounds everyone loves Shoes on gravel Crackling of fire The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you Cats purring
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What is long, hard and there to please your lover? A bad movie!
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hi ! this is my first time in a fitness center . how do i start? personal trainer : by putting down that pizza slice !
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry's in the oven. I'm going to bed
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why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? because if they fell forward they would land in the boat !
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How many ninjas does it take to. Where did that lightbulb come from
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What do you calls sushi in Serbia? Nishikori
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why did dairy queen get pregnant? threedots because burger king didn't wrap his whopper
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what do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? homeless .
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you lost your phone and it is on silent? too bad . if you liked it you should have put a ring on it .
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Frodo Baggins doesn't get Back Court Violations in basketball. He gets a There and Back Again
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I was proud and surprised when my wife gave birth. But deep down, I knew she had it in her
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Why are so many middle aged men going to Japan? Google the Age of Consent in Japan.
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the local news says we can tell there's been a power failure with their new app. call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off
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what do you call a homeless guy who broke up with his girlfriend a while ago? a man who hasn't eaten in days .
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anytime someone loses something in the office hr doesn't ask if anyone's seen it, they just send out an email that says " give it back josh "
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Good thing Kobe Bryant's daughter was with him on that helicopter. Playing in the WNBA would have been worse.
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did you hear the one about a pony with a cough? it was a little horse .
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Wise Chinese saying A wise chinese man once said "If the dog is still barking, it is undercooked."
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I can't think of a single reason to use an idiom If you ask me, they're for the birds
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several people dancing around a pen threedots what is the movie name? independence day
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i'm going to a deodorant party at the weekend. roll on saturday
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What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water
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Movie Opinion As far as I'm concerned, Precious is the best film in the Big Momma's House franchise.
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Did you hear about the new divorcee Barbie? She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
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What was Helen Kellers favorite candy? Skittles. Can't see the rainbow, but at least she can taste it.
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What's the difference between a dad and a boomerang A boomerang comes back
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What's a poker player's favorite sitcom? Full House.
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What is red and keeps getting smaller? A baby with a cheese slicer
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My wife sang, "What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?" I replied, "Evidently not."
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I dropped my newly born baby in a ocean and it survived...... Only for a few minutes.
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What instrument does the uterus play? The fallopian tuba.
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Quitting smoking is a lot like getting out of a relationship. It's a sad and slow realization of all of the things that you used to like to do it after
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What do Luke Skywalker and George Floyd have in common? They were both killed by excessive force
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i don't mean to make your monday morning worse, but we'll never be able to wear shorts in space .
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RIP hot water You will be mist.
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"Keith Moon was Nuts" Another insightful nugget of trivia from Opie. Oh you means the rock drummer that put fish and explosives in his drums was "nuts"?
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Why did the girl spray her clock? It was full of ticks.
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a zen master once said to me , do the opposite of whatever i tell you. ' so i didn't
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What was the black lab's favorite planet? Earf! Earf!
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What do Dave Mirra and The Offspring have in common? No Self Esteem!
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The universe implodes. No matter
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