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### Human: Now who's the sociopath? Huh? ### Assistant: Moe! He's got a dark side I've never dreamed of. |
### Human: Thank you, Lord. ### Assistant: Once I kill you everyone will think I'm the real Homer! |
### Human: I'd just come up behind him with a knife and slit his throat real quick-like. ### Assistant: Guys, Bob is my only hope. Back off and give him some room to think. |
### Human: Listen Homer, I don't know who your killer is, but I do know he'll strike again. Your only hope is to stay completely out of sight. ### Assistant: Very well. I am gone! |
### Human: Listen Homer, I don't know who your killer is, but I do know he'll strike again. Your only hope is to stay completely out of sight. ### Assistant: Don't look at me! |
### Human: Homer Simpson? ### Assistant: Right here. |
### Human: You've been elected King of Mardi Gras! ### Assistant: Woo hoo! Good things do happen to bad people! |
### Human: Honey, the king of Mardi Gras has to ride around on a float all day. You'll be a sitting duck. ### Assistant: Marge, you're embarrassing me in front of the drag queen. |
### Human: Homer, it's a trap. You only won because somebody stuffed the ballot box with these. ### Assistant: Nonetheless, the people have spoken. |
### Human: But I'm afraid you'll get hurt. ### Assistant: Marge, this is a way to flush this killer out once and for all -- and get drunk on a Tuesday. |
### Human: Today's Tuesday and you've had six beers. ### Assistant: But I'm not drunk! |
### Human: The killer is out there. I would stake my entire fortune of cigarettes on it. ### Assistant: Now Bob, I know you're concerned, but don't worry. I have operatives working the crowd. |
### Human: Homer, you must get off that float! The brake line has been cut! ### Assistant: Oh my God! Attention drunken idiots: this is your king! Sacrifice yourselves to slow me down! |
### Human: Hey, how 'bout some beads? ### Assistant: They're not for dudes! |
### Human: Must... save... buffoon. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Must... save... buffoon. ### Assistant: I did it! |
### Human: Must... save... buffoon. ### Assistant: You saved my life! |
### Human: I've saved a life... and it feels wonderful. And yet, I could just as easily drop you to your death. ### Assistant: Don't be so sure. I've got my legs wrapped around your ass pretty tight. |
### Human: Everything going dark... like Duff Stout, the beer that made Ireland famous. I love you, Doris! I... ### Assistant: We're up so high. Where could that shot have come from? |
### Human: There's your killer! ### Assistant: Well, duh. |
### Human: There's your killer! ### Assistant: Your king needs these stilts! |
### Human: Jesus is our only King. ### Assistant: Not anymore! |
### Human: Frank Grimes, Junior. ### Assistant: Frank Grimes... |
### Human: Don't you remember? Your ape-like incompetence drove my father insane. ### Assistant: Frank Grimes... |
### Human: What's this? "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- ### Assistant: Oh yeah. How is old Grimey? |
### Human: He's dead, like you should be! ### Assistant: Whoa, wait. Frank Grimes wasn't married. How could he have a son? |
### Human: Dad! I figured it out! The murderer is... ### Assistant: We know. Frank Grimes, Jr. |
### Human: Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive. ### Assistant: Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children. Goodnight, son. |
### Human: THE VERY REASON THAT I LIVE / IS PLOTTING HOW TO WATCH HIM DIE... ### Assistant: Bart! Turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep! |
### Human: But I'm not tired! ### Assistant: Goodnight, sleepyhead. Do you have to poop? |
### Human: Hey, I only hung out with Krabappel because Skinner blew her off. I've never seen her so sad. ### Assistant: You know what made me feel better about myself? That award I got for World's Greatest Dad. |
### Human: And you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish. ### Assistant: Which I did. |
### Human: And you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish. ### Assistant: Mm... trophy. |
### Human: Nope. ### Assistant: Disney World? |
### Human: Sorry, Grampa. ### Assistant: Gator Gulch? |
### Human: Grampa, you're not even going. ### Assistant: Wait a minute... I know where we're going... Oh, it's horrible... |
### Human: Ewww. ### Assistant: Let's go make some fireworks of our own. |
### Human: I get to tamp the powder! ### Assistant: I wouldn't have it any other way. |
### Human: This woman carried me for nine and a half months. I was out for two weeks, then went back in. ### Assistant: Hey Skinner! Do you and Edna want to join Marge and me at "Great Moments With Mr. Eisner"? |
### Human: I believe the only venue for me is the ride of broken dreams. ### Assistant: Oh, you mean the Enron ride. Let's go. |
### Human: So many categories... Gym teacher of the year, Substitute teacher of the year, Most Wheelchair-Accessible School Award? ### Assistant: Who will take home The Rampy? |
### Human: I love teachers. In fact, I'm a teacher. I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!" ### Assistant: Purple Rain! |
### Human: Shut up! ### Assistant: Michael Jackson just told me to shut up! |
### Human: Julio Estudiante...an inner-city math teacher who taught teenage gang members that differential equations are more powerful than bullets. ### Assistant: What a rip! You all should be ashamed! |
### Human: I love happy endings. ### Assistant: Well, here's ours. We're going to Disney World! |
### Human: Step away from the wall. Step away from the wall. ### Assistant: Oh, it's so beautiful. |
### Human: Step away from the wall. Step away from the wall. ### Assistant: One churro, please. |
### Human: That'll be fourteen dollars. ### Assistant: Here! |
### Human: Mom, Dad, my birthday's coming up, and GirlTech Turbo Diaries are in stores now. ### Assistant: Lisa, nobody likes a shill. |
### Human: Just buy me the friggin' toy. ### Assistant: I love that little shill. Let's get her that diary. |
### Human: Dad, you can't eat all those free samples. We've got to get Lisa's present. ### Assistant: Watch and learn. |
### Human: Dad, you can't eat all those free samples. We've got to get Lisa's present. ### Assistant: More free samples. |
### Human: Dad, you ate all the free samples. Now you're eating men's slacks. ### Assistant: Eh, it's still better than Indian food. |
### Human: Dad, you ate all the free samples. Now you're eating men's slacks. ### Assistant: One Turbo Diary, please. |
### Human: Unauthorized user! Access denied! ### Assistant: Now what am I gonna get Lisa? |
### Human: I wonder what mommy's medicine tastes like! ### Assistant: Lisa's not gonna want that. Oh, what can I get her? |
### Human: Shop o' the mornin', Homer! Just call me "Mall" Flanders. ### Assistant: What are you buying? Jerk stuff? |
### Human: Sounds like fun! Let's party! ### Assistant: Hey, your kid is in the movie -- and the movie knows his name. Maybe Lisa will like this better than the diary. Stupid Flanders, you're a genius! |
### Human: I wonder what this could be? ### Assistant: I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. |
### Human: Could it be some kind of book? ### Assistant: Well, yes and no. |
### Human: Could it be some kind of book? ### Assistant: Mostly no. |
### Human: You were supposed to get her that stupid diary! ### Assistant: But it's a personalized video about my favorite little star -- Lisa Simpson. |
### Human: I don't like McNuggets, I'm a vegetarian! ### Assistant: Still? Then you're not gonna like your other present. |
### Human: Dad! That information is all wrong! Maggie's a baby, not my best friend! You don't know anything about me! ### Assistant: Maggie, you're her best friend, go talk to her! |
### Human: Dad! That information is all wrong! Maggie's a baby, not my best friend! You don't know anything about me! ### Assistant: Oh, what have I done? Children don't remember bad birthdays, do they? |
### Human: ### Assistant: Good morning, honey. Did you cry out all your angries? |
### Human: I don't think so. ### Assistant: Oh, Lisa's still mad at me. |
### Human: I'm still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an axe. ### Assistant: I did it for the insurance money. |
### Human: I'm still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an axe. ### Assistant: Look Lisa, I'm still trying to get to know you. Who's your favorite Traveling Wilbury? Is it Jeff Lynne? |
### Human: Dad, you've had eight years to get to know me. It's too late. ### Assistant: But I'm full of questions. What's your favorite cigar size? Is it Robusto? Is it?! |
### Human: Yeah, at least you ain't aging six years for every one 'cause of your cow heart. ### Assistant: Oh, my daughter hates me because I don't know anything about her. |
### Human: He found out who was cobbling shoes for me at night. Turns out I have severe schizophrenia. ### Assistant: Well... if hiring this guy will make Lisa like me again, then I'll do it! Can I get this beer to go? |
### Human: No, look lower. ### Assistant: Ooh, pie. |
### Human: What can I do for you? ### Assistant: My name is Homer Simpson. And I desperately need your help. |
### Human: Let me guess. It's about a girl. ### Assistant: How did you know? |
### Human: It's always a dame. Usually with gams that don't quit. Till they get to the shoes. And then they're only napping. ### Assistant: Priceless. |
### Human: It's always a dame. Usually with gams that don't quit. Till they get to the shoes. And then they're only napping. ### Assistant: I need you to find out everything about my daughter, so she'll think I'm a good Dad. |
### Human: Okay, I'll get a line on your kid. I charge fifty bucks a day. Plus expenses. ### Assistant: Anything to trick my daughter into liking me. Now, if you need to reach me, my email is chunkylover53 at AOL. |
### Human: Chunky... lover... 53? ### Assistant: It's one word. |
### Human: One word. ### Assistant: Chunkylover53. |
### Human: At AOL. ### Assistant: Dot com. |
### Human: Is that Miles Davis' "Birth of The Cool?" ### Assistant: You should know. It is your favorite album. |
### Human: So you know one thing about me. Big deal. ### Assistant: Wait, wait! |
### Human: So you know one thing about me. Big deal. ### Assistant: I thought you might like to go to an animal rights protest today. |
### Human: Well, maybe. ### Assistant: On the way home we could stop and get your favorite treat: ice...cream! |
### Human: And look at the way they've slathered those pigs with cosmetics! ### Assistant: So sad, yet so sexy, yet so delicious. |
### Human: Dad, today was so great. The animal rights protest, a visit to the Museum of Sadness and Oppression... ### Assistant: Well, we should get along. I mean after all, I am your... ...father. |
### Human: How'd you think of such perfect things for us to do? Did Mom help you? ### Assistant: Mom? Don't you think I could read the report by myself? |
### Human: What report? ### Assistant: Uh, report is a daddy word that means "loves his daughter." |
### Human: You read the "loves his daughter" by yourself? ### Assistant: That's right, honey. |
### Human: I believe there's still the matter of my expenses. ### Assistant: Oh yes. Well, let's take a look and see-- a thousand dollars! How did you spend a thousand dollars? |
### Human: It's itemized. ### Assistant: "A forty dollar steak?!" |
### Human: Yeah, but if I'd eaten the whole thing, it would've been free. ### Assistant: You've been living like a king on my dollar... Super unleaded gas... Silver bullets? |
### Human: Early on I was working under the theory that your daughter was a werewolf. It didn't pan out. ### Assistant: I can't believe the man who agreed to follow my daughter around -- for money -- would turn out to be a dirt bag. |
### Human: You better pay up, Simpson! ### Assistant: |
### Human: You'll regret the day you crossed Dexter Colt. ### Assistant: You'll regret the day you went to the expensive coffee place! |
### Human: I was framed! You believe me, don't you Dad? ### Assistant: Of course I do. It's all my fault for refusing to pay... |
### Human: I was framed! You believe me, don't you Dad? ### Assistant: ... pay attention to you, my sweet little father-loving pile of forgiveness. Yes. |
### Human: Blackening our hair was a great idea, Dad. I look just like a Powerpuff Girl. ### Assistant: I look just like Elvis! |
### Human: Blackening our hair was a great idea, Dad. I look just like a Powerpuff Girl. ### Assistant: |
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