text stringlengths 1 9.97k | input_ids list | token_type_ids list | attention_mask list |
|---|---|---|---|
fat tears roll down my cheeks as i stare straight ahead , wishing that i could actually be as small as tucker makes me feel . | [
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if i was , it would be easy enough to slip through the cracks and disappear forever . | [
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`` abby , '' emerson says quietly , `` can you tell me what 's going on ? '' | [
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i draw in a deep , ragged breath , trying to muster the strength for words . | [
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`` i 'm sorry , '' i finally manage to whisper . | [
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`` i 'm so sorry . '' | [
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`` you do n't need to apologize for anything , '' he says , his brow furrowing . | [
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`` abby , is it ok if i hold your hand ? '' | [
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his simple request acts as a life preserver , saving me from going under in this rush of emotion . | [
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i look over at him and nod silently . | [
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without pause , emerson reaches for the hand that is currently gripping my thigh , uncurls my fingers , and laces them with his own . | [
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i cling onto him like a drowning woman , amazed that he took the time to ask me if i wanted to be touched . | [
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i remember , through my thick fog of misery , that he must have plenty of practice being the comforter . | [
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how many times has he sat with deb as she descended into a depressive stupor ? | [
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`` thank you , '' i manage to tell him through my tears . | [
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`` any time , '' he replies , giving my hand a squeeze . | [
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`` are you with me now ? '' | [
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`` i am . | [
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i 'm here , '' i gasp . | [
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his simple touch was enough to drag me through the thick of my panic . | [
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i can feel the world coming back into focus around me . | [
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`` if you want to talk about what just happened back there , '' emerson says , rubbing his thumb against my still-trembling hand , `` we can . '' | [
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i look over at him , leaning toward me from the passenger seat . | [
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i 've never seen him like this before . | [
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he 's calm . | [
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gentle . | [
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caring . | [
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and all for me . | [
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i desperately want to explain myself , to tell him why i had to get out of that diner the second tucker walked in . | [
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but letting him in on my shameful secret ... what if it wiped that compassionate look right off his face ? | [
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what if he was never able to look at me the same way again ? | [
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we 're so close to figuring out how to talk to each other , how to spend time together despite everything . | [
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i do n't want to ruin that . | [
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not for anything . | [
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`` would you mind if we just ... went home ? '' | [
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i ask , forcing my voice to remain steady . | [
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`` sure , '' emerson says , `` yeah . | [
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we can go home , abby . '' | [
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he holds my gaze for a long moment before turning back to the wheel . | [
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delicately , he extricates his fingers from mine to start the car . | [
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but the second we 're in motion , i reach for it again . | [
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his hand is my anchor in this moment . | [
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i need it . | [
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i need him . | [
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we ride home in utter silence . | [
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the radio stays off , the windows stay closed . | [
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i gaze out the window at the darkening landscape , the familiar contours of the town i 've called home all my life . | [
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the incident at the diner only makes me want to speed up the days until i finally get to leave this place behind , go somewhere where nobody knows me at all . | [
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but how can i wish these days away knowing that my flight from here will mean being separated from emerson ? | [
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anger floods in to replace my fear and shame . | [
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tucker has already taken so much from me . | [
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caused me so much pain . | [
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now my long-awaited conversation with emerson about where we stand has been ruined , thanks to him . | [
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if he proves to be the thing that keeps emerson and i from every truly getting a chance at being close , i 'll never forgive him . | [
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then again , i never plan on forgiving him anyway . | [
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there are some things that no amount of time or patience can mend . | [
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i know that from experience . | [
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chapter four despite emerson 's offer to listen if i want to talk about the `` diner incident '' , we do n't get into it upon arriving home . | [
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dad and deborah have gone out for dinner , as they do most nights when emerson and i are n't around . | [
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the house feels cavernous and cold tonight . | [
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this place has n't felt like home since mom passed away , but after what just happened with tucker , the entire town feels uninhabitable to me . | [
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i feel like i 'm fifteen years old again . | [
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scared , confused , and so , so lonely . | [
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6015,
1010,
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1010,
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2061,
1010,
2061,
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1012,
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only now , there 's actually someone here to help me through it . | [
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`` we still need to rustle up some grub , '' emerson says , moving ahead of me into the kitchen . | [
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he does n't seem to mind my radio silence about what just went down at the restaurant , but there 's definitely been a shift in his demeanor . | [
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his usual grin has been replaced by a comforting smile , and his entire attitude toward me seems gentler . | [
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nicer . | [
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it is n't that he 's pitying me , thank god . | [
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it 's almost as if he 's recognized something of himself in me . | [
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go figure-i 'm sure he has more pain hidden inside of him than anyone should be made to live with . | [
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`` well , i 'm a terrible cook , '' i tell him , leaning my elbows on the kitchen island . | [
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`` could n't even boil water if i tried . '' | [
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`` huh . | [
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lucky for you , i happen to be an excellent chef , '' emerson says seriously , opening up the kitchen cupboard . | [
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`` wait . | [
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really ? '' | [
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i ask , surprised . | [
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`` really , '' he replies , `` i had to cook for mom most of the time growing up . | [
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letting a wasted person near sharp knives and open flames is a terrible idea . '' | [
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`` that follows , '' i reply . | [
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`` so , what do you have in mind , master chef ? '' | [
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`` well , '' he says , plucking a few items down off the cupboard shelf . | [
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`` how do you feel about risotto ? '' | [
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`` are you kidding ? '' | [
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i blurt . | [
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that 's one of my all-time favorite foods . | [
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i used to ask my mom to make it every year for my birthday . | [
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but there 's no way he could have known that . | [
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`` i 'll take that as a 'fuck yeah ' , '' emerson smiles , plunking a container of arborio rice down onto the counter . | [
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`` why do n't you find us a movie on demand to watch or something ? | [
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i 'll get this thing whipped up in no time . '' | [
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i follow his suggestion and head for the living room . | [
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stealing a glance at emerson over my shoulder , i feel my heart warm up a few degrees . | [
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his face is composed , free from the scowl that usually rests there . | [
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with dad and deb out for the night , i can almost imagine that this is our place-mine and emerson 's alone . | [
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we 've never once spent time like this together . | [
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he hardly ever stays in for a night , and i 'm mostly preoccupied with extracurriculars and long study sessions at the library . | [
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after our disastrous outing before , this evening is suddenly looking up . | [
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maybe we 'll even get around to discussing this sudden shift in our relationship . | [
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