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of course , he ca n't let a serious phrase go by without turning into a joke . | [
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is that a defense mechanism or what ? | [
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`` have you ever met someone like that ? '' | [
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i dare to ask him , `` someone you could be interested in for more than a weekend ? '' | [
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he lets me writhe under his gaze , taking his sweet time to formulate an answer to my question . | [
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i can feel my cheeks growing hotter by the second before he finally says one word : `` maybe . '' | [
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the rest of the restaurant seems to fall away around us as emerson trains his eyes on me . | [
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i have to choose my response very , very carefully here . | [
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this one little moment could be a turning point . | [
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a transformation . | [
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with my heart in my throat , i let my hand rest on the table , only a couple of inches away from his . | [
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those mere inches of space spark with electricity , searing my already frayed nerves . | [
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i wish i could tell him that i want the same thing from a relationship-to be with someone who challenges me , like he does . | [
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someone who 's not interested in being nice or normal , like he is . | [
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someone who could show me a life i 'd never be able to dream up on my own . | [
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like he very well could . | [
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`` emerson , '' i say softly , letting my hand drift slowly toward his , `` i- '' the front door of the diner flies open , slamming against the wall with a loud clatter . | [
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emerson turns to look over his shoulder at the sound , and just like that , the spell is broken . | [
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shit . | [
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i glance up , annoyed , to see who 's disrupted our near-perfect moment . | [
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but when i recognize the group that 's just sauntered inside , i feel myself going numb . | [
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`` goddamn it , '' i whisper , `` not now . '' | [
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i quickly hiding my hands under the table , not wanting emerson to see how they 've begun to shake . | [
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i pretend to be very interested in something out the window as i hear the boisterous voices of three guys from my school fill the enclosed space , one of whom i 'm very intimately , and very unfortunately , acquainted with . | [
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to my horror , i watch from the corner of my eye as emerson waves at the trio . | [
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of course . | [
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they 're his lacrosse teammates . | [
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he has no idea why flagging them down is the worst thing he could possibly do to me right now . | [
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against my silent prayers to any god that 's listening , the three boys stroll over to our table . | [
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emerson swings his body around to greet them . | [
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`` hey guys , '' he says to his three teammates . | [
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`` hey tank , '' says one of the guys , a blonde junior named steve , using emerson 's lacrosse nickname . | [
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`` what 's up ? '' | [
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`` nothing . | [
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as usual , '' emerson laughs , `` what 's happening tonight ? '' | [
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`` some people will be over at my place , '' says roger , a lanky senior . | [
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`` got a couple of dime bags , if you want in . '' | [
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`` you know i do , '' emerson replies . | [
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`` we interrupting you ? '' | [
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steve asks . | [
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i feel their three sets of eyes fall on my face like laser beams . | [
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shit . | [
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i was hoping i 'd get out of this without having to say a word to them . | [
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`` just grabbing some food , '' emerson says , `` right abby ? '' | [
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with great reluctance , i raise my eyes to the four boys before me . | [
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i try to keep my gaze trained on emerson , or even steve and roger , but my eyes ca n't help themselves . | [
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they flick masochistically up to the third boy standing next to our table . | [
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he 's as tall as emerson , with jet black hair slicked away from his hard jaw , his full lips . | [
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his own dark eyes skirt away from mine the second we make eye contact . | [
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he has n't looked at me in years . | [
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i like to believe it 's because he ca n't bear to , that the guilt and shame are too much for him to deal with . | [
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but in reality , it 's probably just cold indifference that repels his gaze from me . | [
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his name is tucker jacoby . | [
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he very nearly derailed my entire life , back when we were fifteen . | [
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and it 's abundantly clear that emerson has no idea . | [
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`` yeah ... '' i finally manage to say , my voice barely audible . | [
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`` just getting some food . '' | [
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`` you guys know abby , right ? '' | [
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emerson says to the trio . | [
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i can feel my skin starting to crawl with every passing moment they ... he lingers beside me . | [
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`` sure . | [
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yeah , '' steve nods , `` you do all those cartoons in the school newspaper , right ? '' | [
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`` right , '' i say shortly , my hands shaking violently under the table . | [
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0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` that 's me . '' | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2008,
1005,
1055,
2033,
1012,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` i liked the one with the duck , '' roger puts in , `` did n't really get the joke , but- '' `` i 'm starving , '' tucker cuts in . | [
101,
1036,
1036,
1045,
4669,
1996,
2028,
2007,
1996,
9457,
1010,
1005,
1005,
5074,
8509,
1999,
1010,
1036,
1036,
2106,
1050,
1005,
1056,
2428,
2131,
1996,
8257,
1010,
2021,
1011,
1005,
1005,
1036,
1036,
1045,
1005,
1049,
18025,
1010,
1005... | [
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
the sound of his voice is like an ice pick to my composure . | [
101,
1996,
2614,
1997,
2010,
2376,
2003,
2066,
2019,
3256,
4060,
2000,
2026,
23619,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` let 's get a table . | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2292,
1005,
1055,
2131,
1037,
2795,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
see you , tank . '' | [
101,
2156,
2017,
1010,
4951,
1012,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
he turns away without acknowledging me , just as he 's done for the past couple of years . | [
101,
2002,
4332,
2185,
2302,
21894,
2033,
1010,
2074,
2004,
2002,
1005,
1055,
2589,
2005,
1996,
2627,
3232,
1997,
2086,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
emerson raises an eyebrow at his retreating back before glancing over at me . | [
101,
12628,
13275,
2019,
9522,
2012,
2010,
17512,
2067,
2077,
10167,
2058,
2012,
2033,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
he freezes as he catches a glimpse of my upset expression , taken off guard by the extremity of my discomfort . | [
101,
2002,
13184,
2015,
2004,
2002,
11269,
1037,
12185,
1997,
2026,
6314,
3670,
1010,
2579,
2125,
3457,
2011,
1996,
4654,
7913,
16383,
1997,
2026,
17964,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
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0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` see ya , tank , '' roger says , turning toward the table that tucker 's claimed for them . | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2156,
8038,
1010,
4951,
1010,
1005,
1005,
5074,
2758,
1010,
3810,
2646,
1996,
2795,
2008,
9802,
1005,
1055,
3555,
2005,
2068,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
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0,
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0,
0,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` think you 'll swing by my place tonight ? '' | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2228,
2017,
1005,
2222,
7370,
2011,
2026,
2173,
3892,
1029,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` yeah . | [
101,
1036,
1036,
3398,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
i 'll get back to you on that , '' emerson says , his eyes still fixed on my troubled face . | [
101,
1045,
1005,
2222,
2131,
2067,
2000,
2017,
2006,
2008,
1010,
1005,
1005,
12628,
2758,
1010,
2010,
2159,
2145,
4964,
2006,
2026,
11587,
2227,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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0,
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0,
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] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
the sudden concern clouding his handsome face is enough to make my own eyes prickle with hot tears . | [
101,
1996,
5573,
5142,
6112,
2075,
2010,
8502,
2227,
2003,
2438,
2000,
2191,
2026,
2219,
2159,
24858,
2571,
2007,
2980,
4000,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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0,
0,
0,
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0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
roger and steve trundle away after tucker , leaving emerson and i alone again at last . | [
101,
5074,
1998,
3889,
19817,
8630,
2571,
2185,
2044,
9802,
1010,
2975,
12628,
1998,
1045,
2894,
2153,
2012,
2197,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
our food has yet to arrive , but i 've lost any trace of my appetite . | [
101,
2256,
2833,
2038,
2664,
2000,
7180,
1010,
2021,
1045,
1005,
2310,
2439,
2151,
7637,
1997,
2026,
18923,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
the air in the crystal dawn feels poisonous now . | [
101,
1996,
2250,
1999,
1996,
6121,
6440,
5683,
22641,
2085,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
contaminated . | [
101,
19450,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
i 'm finding it harder to breathe with every shallow gulp of air i can manage to force down . | [
101,
1045,
1005,
1049,
4531,
2009,
6211,
2000,
7200,
2007,
2296,
8467,
26546,
1997,
2250,
1045,
2064,
6133,
2000,
2486,
2091,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` abby , are you ok ? '' | [
101,
1036,
1036,
9460,
1010,
2024,
2017,
7929,
1029,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
emerson asks , reaching for me across the table . | [
101,
12628,
5176,
1010,
4285,
2005,
2033,
2408,
1996,
2795,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` i. i need ... '' i gasp , struggling to form the simplest words . | [
101,
1036,
1036,
1045,
1012,
1045,
2342,
1012,
1012,
1012,
1005,
1005,
1045,
12008,
1010,
8084,
2000,
2433,
1996,
21304,
2616,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` can we go ? | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2064,
2057,
2175,
1029,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
please ? '' | [
101,
3531,
1029,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` of course we can , '' emerson says , his voice soft but firm . | [
101,
1036,
1036,
1997,
2607,
2057,
2064,
1010,
1005,
1005,
12628,
2758,
1010,
2010,
2376,
3730,
2021,
3813,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
he rises to his feet and offers me a hand as i stand , shakily . | [
101,
2002,
9466,
2000,
2010,
2519,
1998,
4107,
2033,
1037,
2192,
2004,
1045,
3233,
1010,
21146,
3211,
2135,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
i feel the comforting weight of his arm as he drapes it over my shoulders , holding me snugly against his muscled side . | [
101,
1045,
2514,
1996,
16334,
3635,
1997,
2010,
2849,
2004,
2002,
2852,
29040,
2009,
2058,
2026,
4065,
1010,
3173,
2033,
1055,
11231,
25643,
2114,
2010,
24909,
2217,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
usually , i 'd be all butterflies and giddiness to be this close to him . | [
101,
2788,
1010,
1045,
1005,
1040,
2022,
2035,
15023,
1998,
21025,
18277,
7971,
2000,
2022,
2023,
2485,
2000,
2032,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
but in the midst of my anxiety attack , all i can feel is icy panic . | [
101,
2021,
1999,
1996,
12930,
1997,
2026,
10089,
2886,
1010,
2035,
1045,
2064,
2514,
2003,
13580,
6634,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
i ca n't help but glance over at tucker as emerson leads me out of the diner . | [
101,
1045,
6187,
1050,
1005,
1056,
2393,
2021,
6054,
2058,
2012,
9802,
2004,
12628,
5260,
2033,
2041,
1997,
1996,
15736,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
i should be used to the uncaring expression he saves just for me by now . | [
101,
1045,
2323,
2022,
2109,
2000,
1996,
4895,
10010,
2075,
3670,
2002,
13169,
2074,
2005,
2033,
2011,
2085,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
i should n't let the mere sight of him unravel me like this . | [
101,
1045,
2323,
1050,
1005,
1056,
2292,
1996,
8210,
4356,
1997,
2032,
4895,
22401,
2140,
2033,
2066,
2023,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
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but i 'm just not strong enough to not give a shit . | [
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i never have been . | [
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after what feels like a decade , i settle into the passenger seat of emerson 's chevy . | [
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as he rounds the car , sinks into the driver 's seat , and slams the door shut behind him , the bubble of my fear and apprehension bursts . | [
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shame and relief crash simultaneously over me , rendering me speechless as emerson turns to take me in . | [
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his look , infused with compassion , undoes me completely . | [
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