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`` are you drunk ? '' | [
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i gasp , staring at my father . | [
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but his swaying stance and bloodshot eyes answer my question . | [
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i whip around toward deb and see that she , too , is standing unsteadily , unable to focus on a single point for more than a second . | [
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it 's not even nine o'clock , and they 're both wasted . | [
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`` jesus christ , mom , '' emerson growls , staring at his mother in disbelief . | [
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`` again ? '' | [
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`` do n't you judge me , '' deb snaps , shaking her mess of wilted curls . | [
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`` if you knew the sort of night i had ... this man is a monster . '' | [
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`` i 'm a monster ? '' | [
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my dad returns , whirling unsteadily toward her , `` you 're the lying , thieving whore- '' `` emerson , no ! '' | [
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i screech , as he cocks back his fist and slams it against my father 's jaw . | [
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dad goes reeling through the open doorway , and emerson leaps after him . | [
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deb collapses into a teary puddle as emerson and dad brawl on the landing . | [
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i rush toward them , ready to throw myself into the fray . | [
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but a loose punch from dad hits me square in the stomach , knocking me back against the wall . | [
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emerson snaps his face toward me , too worried about my wellbeing to focus on my dad . | [
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but in the moment of his distraction , dad strikes back-sending a cracking blow railing against emerson 's high cheekbone . | [
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a sickening crunch rings out through the house . | [
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a scream rips out of my throat as emerson stumbles against the second story railing . | [
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my dad tries to grab him by the front of his suit , but misses . | [
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in a burst of rage , emerson grabs hold of my dad and slams him against the bannister , ready to throw him off the landing . | [
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`` stop it ! | [
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emerson , stop ! '' | [
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i scream . | [
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finally , i seem to get through to him . | [
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with gritted teeth , he lowers my dad away from the edge , tossing him roughly onto the floor . | [
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he raises his blue eyes to mine , and my heart shatters as i see the furious tears streaming down his face . | [
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stepping over my dad 's drunken , prostrate form , emerson marches into his room and snatches his mother up by the arm . | [
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she can barely stand , beside herself with wasted emotion . | [
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emerson swings her arm over his shoulders and all but drags her away , carrying her dead weight down the stairs . | [
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`` wait , '' i call out , my voice a strangled cry , `` emerson , where are you going ? '' | [
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but he does n't answer me . | [
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he simply makes his way to the front door . | [
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i pull myself off the ground and race after him , grabbing for the back of his suit . | [
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`` emerson , '' i plead , clutching the bannister as i reach the final stair . | [
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`` stop . | [
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] | [
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] | [
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you ca n't go . | [
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not now . '' | [
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he pauses with his hand on the doorknob . | [
101,
2002,
19623,
2007,
2010,
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2006,
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turning back to look at me , his eyes are full of hardened resolve . | [
101,
3810,
2067,
2000,
2298,
2012,
2033,
1010,
2010,
2159,
2024,
2440,
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] |
he 's shut his heart out of the equation , i know . | [
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2002,
1005,
1055,
3844,
2010,
2540,
2041,
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1996,
8522,
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and try as i might , there will be no reaching him now . | [
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`` goodbye abby , '' he whispers , and wrenches the door open . | [
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he guides his mother across the threshold and out to his chevy . | [
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it is n't until i hear the engine start that i sink down onto the stairs , hollow and cold . | [
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2003,
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he 's gone . | [
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and this time , i know he wo n't be coming back for me . | [
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2023,
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] |
i glance around the house , at all the artifacts of my childhood that were destroyed in dad and deb 's wake . | [
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6054,
2105,
1996,
2160,
1010,
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] |
but of course , it 's not the material things i grieve for , now . | [
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2021,
1997,
2607,
1010,
2009,
1005,
1055,
2025,
1996,
3430,
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] |
it 's my entire life as i 've known it . | [
101,
2009,
1005,
1055,
2026,
2972,
2166,
2004,
1045,
1005,
2310,
2124,
2009,
1012,
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1
] |
the future that will never come to pass . | [
101,
1996,
2925,
2008,
2097,
2196,
2272,
2000,
3413,
1012,
102
] | [
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] |
i sit there at the foot of the steps for hours , listening to my dad 's anguished groans from the landing . | [
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1045,
4133,
2045,
2012,
1996,
3329,
1997,
1996,
4084,
2005,
2847,
1010,
5962,
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] |
at some point , he manages to stand and pull himself into the master bedroom , slamming the door behind him . | [
101,
2012,
2070,
2391,
1010,
2002,
9020,
2000,
3233,
1998,
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2370,
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] |
he wo n't come down to check on me . | [
101,
2002,
24185,
1050,
1005,
1056,
2272,
2091,
2000,
4638,
2006,
2033,
1012,
102
] | [
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] | [
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
not in the state he 's in . | [
101,
2025,
1999,
1996,
2110,
2002,
1005,
1055,
1999,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
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1,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
but who am i kidding ? | [
101,
2021,
2040,
2572,
1045,
12489,
1029,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
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0
] | [
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1
] |
even at his best , dad could n't be bothered to give a shit about me . | [
101,
2130,
2012,
2010,
2190,
1010,
3611,
2071,
1050,
1005,
1056,
2022,
11250,
2000,
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1,
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1,
1,
1
] |
numbness creeps through my body as i sit stock still , unable to process what 's happened to me . | [
101,
15903,
2791,
19815,
2015,
2083,
2026,
2303,
2004,
1045,
4133,
4518,
2145,
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4039,
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2832,
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1,
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1
] |
to emerson . | [
101,
2000,
12628,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
to our splintered family . | [
101,
2000,
2256,
27546,
2098,
2155,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
nothing that 's happened this morning makes any sense . | [
101,
2498,
2008,
1005,
1055,
3047,
2023,
2851,
3084,
2151,
3168,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
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] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
what happened that set our parents to drinking like that ? | [
101,
2054,
3047,
2008,
2275,
2256,
3008,
2000,
5948,
2066,
2008,
1029,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
what was my dad saying about deb stealing from him ? | [
101,
2054,
2001,
2026,
3611,
3038,
2055,
2139,
2497,
11065,
2013,
2032,
1029,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
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] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
and what about my grandparents ' interference with dad and deb 's brand new marriage ? | [
101,
1998,
2054,
2055,
2026,
14472,
1005,
11099,
2007,
3611,
1998,
2139,
2497,
1005,
1055,
4435,
2047,
3510,
1029,
102
] | [
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
chapter eleven it 's noon before i 'm torn out of my shocked reverie by the sound of a car door slamming . | [
101,
3127,
5408,
2009,
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1997,
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2341,
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] | [
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] |
my pulse picks up as i pull myself to my feet . | [
101,
2026,
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2039,
2004,
1045,
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2000,
2026,
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] | [
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1
] |
has emerson come back home again after all ? | [
101,
2038,
12628,
2272,
2067,
2188,
2153,
2044,
2035,
1029,
102
] | [
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] | [
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] |
is he here to help me make sense of all this chaos ? | [
101,
2003,
2002,
2182,
2000,
2393,
2033,
2191,
3168,
1997,
2035,
2023,
8488,
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] | [
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1,
1,
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1,
1
] |
the front door clatters open , and a familiar face appears-but it is n't his . | [
101,
1996,
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2341,
18856,
20097,
2015,
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1010,
1998,
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] |
`` abby , '' riley breathes , rushing to me . | [
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1036,
1036,
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1010,
1005,
1005,
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2015,
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] |
`` abby , what the hell is going on ? '' | [
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1036,
1036,
9460,
1010,
2054,
1996,
3109,
2003,
2183,
2006,
1029,
1005,
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] | [
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] |
`` riley ? '' | [
101,
1036,
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7546,
1029,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
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i breathe , unable to focus , `` riley , what- ? '' | [
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1045,
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4039,
2000,
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] | [
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1,
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1,
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1,
1,
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1
] |
`` are you ok ? '' | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2024,
2017,
7929,
1029,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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] | [
1,
1,
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1
] |
she whispers , her voice tearful . | [
101,
2016,
11054,
1010,
2014,
2376,
7697,
3993,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
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1,
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] |
she takes me in her arms , brushing the hair out of my eyes . | [
101,
2016,
3138,
2033,
1999,
2014,
2608,
1010,
12766,
1996,
2606,
2041,
1997,
2026,
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] | [
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1,
1,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
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1,
1
] |
`` are you hurt ? '' | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2024,
2017,
3480,
1029,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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] | [
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1,
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1,
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] |
`` no , i 'm ... riley , what are you doing here ? '' | [
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] |
i ask . | [
101,
1045,
3198,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
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1
] |
`` how did you know to come ? '' | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2129,
2106,
2017,
2113,
2000,
2272,
1029,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
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1
] |
her already dark eyes cloud over as she wraps her arms around me . | [
101,
2014,
2525,
2601,
2159,
6112,
2058,
2004,
2016,
19735,
2014,
2608,
2105,
2033,
1012,
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] | [
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
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1,
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1
] |
she 's bracing me for something . | [
101,
2016,
1005,
1055,
25919,
2033,
2005,
2242,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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] | [
1,
1,
1,
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1,
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1,
1
] |
bad news . | [
101,
2919,
2739,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
but what ? | [
101,
2021,
2054,
1029,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` you did n't show up at school , '' she says softly , `` but emerson did . | [
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1036,
1036,
2017,
2106,
1050,
1005,
1056,
2265,
2039,
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2082,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
he stormed in just as people were switching classes . | [
101,
2002,
16201,
1999,
2074,
2004,
2111,
2020,
11991,
4280,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
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] | [
1,
1,
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1,
1,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
abby ... he ... '' | [
101,
9460,
1012,
1012,
1012,
2002,
1012,
1012,
1012,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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] | [
1,
1,
1,
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1,
1,
1
] |
`` what ? '' | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2054,
1029,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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0,
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0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
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1,
1,
1,
1
] |
i whisper , looking at her with mounting dread . | [
101,
1045,
7204,
1010,
2559,
2012,
2014,
2007,
15986,
14436,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` what did he do ? '' | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2054,
2106,
2002,
2079,
1029,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
she rests her hands on my shoulders , take a deep breath , and goes on . | [
101,
2016,
16626,
2014,
2398,
2006,
2026,
4065,
1010,
2202,
1037,
2784,
3052,
1010,
1998,
3632,
2006,
1012,
102
] | [
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` he started screaming for tucker , '' she tells me , `` and when he finally found him , he ... abby , he just beat the shit out of him . | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2002,
2318,
7491,
2005,
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1010,
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1005,
2016,
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2033,
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2002,
2633,
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1010,
2002,
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1012,
1012,
9460,
1010,
2002,
2074,
3786,
1996,
4485,
2041,
1997,
2032,
1012,
102
] | [
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1,
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1,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
it was brutal . | [
101,
2009,
2001,
12077,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
some teachers eventually pulled him off and threatened to call the cops . | [
101,
2070,
5089,
2776,
2766,
2032,
2125,
1998,
5561,
2000,
2655,
1996,
10558,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
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0,
0,
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] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
emerson 's been expelled , abby . | [
101,
12628,
1005,
1055,
2042,
10016,
1010,
9460,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
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0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
he ran back out of the school and drove off . | [
101,
2002,
2743,
2067,
2041,
1997,
1996,
2082,
1998,
5225,
2125,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
i could n't find you anywhere , so i thought ... i was so scared ... '' i stare at my best friend , uncomprehending . | [
101,
1045,
2071,
1050,
1005,
1056,
2424,
2017,
5973,
1010,
2061,
1045,
2245,
1012,
1012,
1012,
1045,
2001,
2061,
6015,
1012,
1012,
1012,
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1005,
1045,
6237,
2012,
2026,
2190,
2767,
1010,
4895,
9006,
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] | [
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
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1
] |
my heart can take on no more anguish . | [
101,
2026,
2540,
2064,
2202,
2006,
2053,
2062,
21782,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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0,
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0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
there is n't any room left . | [
101,
2045,
2003,
1050,
1005,
1056,
2151,
2282,
2187,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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] | [
1,
1,
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1,
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1,
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] |