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Emotional weakness starts when someone feels violated by someone else and then tries to |
fight that feeling like any subjugated monkey The problem is if others can tell that you have |
been stung they are going to want to sting you again Children high in rejection sensitivity are |
more likely to be bullied Those kids who do not readily feel rejected are much less likely to be |
victimized Envisioning yourself as the underdog or the victim is counterproductive because it |
sensitizes you lowers your serotonin and invites further abuse Dominant animals have thick |
skin are the last to feel rejected and so are the last to be rejected What would it feel like to |
have zero rejection sensitivity Can you imagine yourself as inviolable |
Treat everyone like you have known them forever and like they cant easily hurt you |
See them as playful monkeys that are bluffcharging shamsneering pretendscratching |
and feignbiting Only the primates with low serotonin are hurt emotionally by fraternization |
All the things that people used to do that made you feel enraged reframe them as roughand |
tumble monkey play |
We Contradict Each Other Compulsively |
If you carefully analyze the way people speak it is almost shocking how much we contradict |
one another Most people are obnoxiously argumentative disputatious contrarians For many |
listeners the first thing that pops into their mind is a way to poke holes in your line of |
reasoning They look for any suitable exception to what you are saying They often are not even |
emotionally invested in the contradictions that they place against you They are merely playing |
devils advocate and throwing out red herrings to stifle and trip you up When people do this |
to you they are testing your limits and trying to push you down into the lower echelons They |
are expecting to feel good and get away with it after they discredit you But if we recognize the |
ploy and respond skillfully to it we can help them reduce this dysfunctional behavior that is |
certainly hurting them more than it is helping We can do this by responding without any hint |
of pain |
When others attempt to shoot you down try to see what is right about what they are |
saying while pointing out how it doesnt invalidate what you were saying Do this with peace in |
your heart Remember that you need not get defensive when someone hastily comes up with |
an irrelevant exception to a statement you made Take their objections as requests for |
Chapter Rise Above Status Conflict |
elaboration and be happy to give them more details Reframing peoples intrusions and giving |
them the benefit of the doubt is what the emotionally healthy person does |
We should be looking for what is right in what others are saying to provide support This is |
much more constructive for them and us In the words of Nick Bostrom this involves resisting |
the temptation to instantaneously misunderstand each new idea by assimilating it with the |
most similarsounding clich available in your cultural larder Give peoples ideas a chance to |
marinate in your mind then help make those ideas better If you strongly disagree or have |
something to teach them prove that you are comfortable in disagreeing by being polite yet |
assertive Explain where you agree prior to disagreeing but dont disagree just to disagree |
Never Fail a Confidence Test |
Peoples jokes contradictions and snide comments are confidence tests to assess how cool |
you are under pressure This is like a dogs first bark It is a probe used to assess your level of |
composure These tests exclaim Im pretty sure that can break you down so Im going to say |
something rude and see how you respond If you dont do anything about it you will fail the |
test your rank will drop and others in the group will try to test you in the same way If you |
laugh nervously or go along with it others will also see this as failing the test Crying |
complaining or trying to gain sympathy are other ways to fail Flinging out an insult or |
becoming furious will create more hostility or get yourself excluded from the group This is |
because responding with anger just shows that you are volatile threatened and emotionally |
immature But if you can respond using the challenge response rather than the threat response |
you pass the confidence test with flying colors |
To quote Schopenhauer Every reproach can hurt only to the extent that it hits the mark |
Thus when you lose your cool and distressed breathing kicks in it becomes clear that the |
persons comment resonated with you The only surefire way to win is to react assertively and |
refrain from showing any hint of discomfort in response to your confidence being tested |
Dont search other peoples words for things to be offended by Dont scrutinize voicemails |
text messages or tone of voice for threats or putdowns There is no reason to investigate |
Confidence testing is primal behavior Friends lovers coworkers strangers men and |
women alike do it Sometimes it takes the form of creating drama out of a tiny issue just so that |
they can scope your ability to withstand stress They are trying to see what they can get away |
with This may take the form of impatience discourtesy or asking for endless small favors |
Most people fail these tests because they cannot recognize them for what they are Once you |
realize that youre dealing with a confidence test however it is very easy to pass |
The best way to handle confidence tests is to see them for what they are monkey business |
that is not worthy of your stress response Treat them as jokes and make humorous comments |
in return You can turn a confidence test back around playfully or you can even make a self |
deprecating joke to show how unflustered you are The absolute best way to deal with |
confidence tests is to accept them as invitations to play as discussed in the next chapter |
The secondbest way is simply to retain your composure |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
Recompose Yourself When You Feel Disrespected |
The mental arrow shot from anothers bow is practically harmless unless our own thought barbs it |
Mary Baker Eddy |
People provoke each other because they want to compare bodily pain When you feel |
disrespected by someone your heart rate blood pressure and general level of discomfort all |
go up Your vagal tone and HRV come down When someone contradicts you with a trifling |
point they are looking to see how your face voice and breathing will change in response to |
this new stressor They are expecting to take your breath away from you When they make a |
haughty innuendo or an untoward comment they want to see how you will tolerate it |
physiologically Recomposing yourself is the best way to stop reinforcing their transgressive |
behavior When someone says something that crosses your boundaries ensure that you |
Are breathing slowly and deeply through your nose |
Are not squinting and your eyebrows are not raised |
Are not sneering at all and your face is limp |
Relax your spine gut and vocal tract |
Retract your neck and lower your shoulders |
Responding in this way removes all positive reinforcers dissuading the offending party |
from provoking you again If they disrespect you and your eyes remain wide while you respond |
calmly in a deep and steady voice they are going to feel stupid When you react to someone in |
a way that is otherwise nonoptimal you relinquish your power When our chilike or pranalike |
bioenergy is wasted on negative emotions we have none left to improve our lives or give to |
others Conserve yours especially in the face of provocation |
We get mad at other people for making us lose our composure However we should be |
angry over our own unconscious rules for what makes us tighten certain body parts Once we |
change those rules other people cant upset us When get mad at something that someone |
did remind myself that am only mad because my own rules caused my breath to shorten my |
nasopharynx to tighten and my face to wince No one else made me do these things did |
Breathing with the diaphragm will automatically create the right mindset for dealing with |
power politics It will allow the conflict to pass right through you without impacting you Even |
taking a single second inhalation will give you more control over your behavior quell your |
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