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are unassailable because you are a good person and do wrong only by accident You are also |
unassailable because you respond to criticism dispassionately but with accountability You |
underreact but you take responsibility for what you may have done wrong By being happy to |
completely own up to any mistakes or any trouble you may have inadvertently caused others |
you are made invincible If someone refuses to say Im sorry Thank you and You were |
right to you it doesnt mean that you should stop saying such things to them Make yourself |
honorbound to say these things whenever they are applicable |
Be at ease with everyone from the discourteous to the genteel and treat everyone as if |
you have known them your whole life This means when they say something with a pinprick |
embedded in it to get a rise out of you act like you have heard the same line a thousand times |
You are unfazed and remain sociable with full parasympathetic and vagal tone At the outset |
you will need to override any impulses to respond in kind Soon it will become automatic and |
you will experience how and why being unfazed is much more powerful than lashing out |
Set Your Expectations of Others to Zero |
Competition and aggression are relatively inescapable It is essential to come to terms with the |
fact that at any moment anyone could say something that will rile you up or make you feel |
demeaned disregarded or disrespected Everyone even if not especially your closest friends |
harbor instincts and impulses to dominate you Ask yourself Am open to being exasperated |
by anyone at any time The answer without being jaded or cynical should be No govern |
my own emotional reactions Im prepared for the worst even though treat others as though |
only expect the best from them |
Conflict Activity Imagine Your Friends Abusing You |
Imagine that everyone in your social world is trying to abuse you verbally They are resorting |
to personal character attacks in foul and underhanded ways People are screaming and |
yelling expletives at you denouncing everything you have ever done Imagine yourself |
staying calm and untroubled amid this derision Imagine yourself not taking it personally not |
taking it to heart and continuing to be productive and accomplish your personal goals |
Imagine yourself unperturbed by the abuse Allow this imaginary activity to take the |
emotional shock away from personal attacks when they happen and help you appreciate how |
good your social life really is |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
Weve got to remember not to take offenses personally When someone says something |
snide you might find yourself immediately starting to wonder if the offender doesnt like your |
face your personality or the way you talk If a person is rude to you they are probably rude to |
everyone It reflects on them not you You need to resist the tendency to ask Why me One |
of the best approaches to regaining peace in your life is to avoid taking any personal offense |
Conflict Activity See People As Animate Matter |
Spend a few minutes thinking of everyone on Earth as being made of atoms and molecules |
that are completely controlled by physical laws Imagine them with no free will of their own |
Everything they do comes from their current physical structure the existing circuits in their |
brain and the prior experiences that made them that way Allow this to help you feel |
unoffended by their actions See everyone as automatons aggregations of cells that move |
and act in predetermined ways Like a tumbleweed that has run into you you cannot |
rationally be offended by anything they do Sometimes it can help to see people as |
deterministic robots in this way What you put in is what you get out This holds you |
responsible for any errors You should find that when you stop blaming others and hold |
yourself responsible you have wellfunctioning encounters more frequently |
Aggression is Inherently Weak |
Aggressive acts are almost always mutually destructive in the sense that they hurt all parties |
involved Any positive outcomes won by aggression are usually pyrrhic meaning they are |
achieved at a high cost often to the point of negating or outweighing any benefits Tell yourself |
that there are no acceptable losses with aggression and that because it damages everyone |
aggression is selfdefeating |
Aggression is violent in tone and contains elements of despair defensiveness selfpity |
fear and desperation It invokes and is invoked by the threat response It is ironic that people |
often act aggressively to gain respect but only rarely do others respect aggressive people |
This is because aggression is inherently weak Aggression turns the world into a zoo and a |
struggle for serotonin |
As discussed in Chapter there is a big difference between acting dominant and trying to |
dominate others Cultivating dominant nonverbal behavior is good for your healthit helps you |
avoid stress But trying to dominate others is just another source of conflict and as such a |
source of stress Studies with monkeys and apes have shown that stress as measured by |
elevations in the stress hormone cortisol is often more pronounced in individuals attempting |
to dominate than in their targets In trying to subject others these primates damage their |
health People that are constantly trying to assert their rank by being aggressive are similarly |
exposing themselves to cortisol inflammation tachycardia hyperventilation bracing and so |
much more The clear implication is that the best way to free ourselves from our egos is to |
cultivate a nonsubmissive personality while abstaining from attempts to dominate |
Heal Your Composure with the Most Dominant People in Your Life |
Your relationship with your parents is primordial Everyone picks up aggressive nonoptimal |
nonpeaceful tendencies from their folks These are usually the hardest to break Also the body |
Chapter Rise Above Status Conflict |
language and mannerisms you feel comfortable using around Mom and Dad set a foundation |
for how you act with everyone else Because so much of our formative time was spent with |
them we hold our posture and countenance as if in their presence It is important that you feel |
comfortable using dominant nonsubmissive body language around your mother father |
and siblings As soon as you stop bracing your body in a way that is subservient to your family |
members you will gain new freedom The next time you find yourself on a car ride with your |
parents family members or anyone you are uncomfortable around discretely pull out your |
breath metronome and teach your body to inhale and exhale freely in their presence |
Primates respect gradation in rank meaning that a baboon will act much more subservient |
around a group member five stations above him than it will around a member one station |
above him The way you hold yourself around the most dominant people in your life similarly |
affects you Think of the largest strongest most charismatic and most successful people in |
your life You should act like there is no pressure on you to send them tribute Take special note |
of which aspects of your body language are nonoptimal when you are with them and work on |
these Even when they are not around you may find yourself trying to convince them of things |
monitoring their moodiness and rehashing old disagreements If this is the case your thoughts |
about them are likely influencing you to hold submissive postures Let all of this go |
Dont Feel Compelled to Sacrifice to Dominant Individuals |
Care about peoples approval and you will be their prisoner Lao Tzu BCE Unknown |
Subordinate apes often seek reassurance by putting a finger in the dominant animals mouth |
They are risking their intact finger to pay their respects This is like a sacrificial offering |
Monkeys do this too Among stumptailed macaques formal rank is reinforced by a mock bite |
on the subordinates wrist The subordinate approaches and places their arm under the |
dominant individuals nose to invite this ritualized bite It communicates If you dont trust me |
you can chew my hand off Similarly it is very common for humans to sacrifice |
disproportionate amounts of time and energy to curry a dominant persons favor Dont do this |
They will not respect you for it |
Nondominant primates are obsessed with the dominant ones Apes and monkeys spend a |
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