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anger and allow you to deescalate potentially explosive situations Misunderstandings that
would have been largescale crises will now be subtle victories
used to look nice and act tough Like most people was doing it backward Instead we
want to look tough and act nice Playing submissive nonverbally and dominant verbally makes
you a servant to the hierarchical game and turns you into a jerk Instead you want to be
tightfisted with your nonverbals but easygoing with your words This gives the impression that
you are a wellcomposed team player rather than an anxious and alienated loner
If you tense anything let it be the procerus pulling your eyebrows down In other words
when someone is mean or rude to you try frowning You practiced this highly dominant
Chapter Rise Above Status Conflict
expression in Chapters and You can also flare your nostrils Then without saying anything
angry ask them to clarify their statement Okay explain that one to me
The primary way show others they did something that didnt like is by making my face
calmer They always get the point When a problem dog is ignored it usually calms down in
seconds When abusive people see that you are unagitated and uninterested it will take them
down a peg Shrug it offliterally When they see you shrug they will realize that they are
powerless to upset you
Many of the men was friends with in my twenties wanted to hurt me and see me in pain
At least a part of them did They were just doing what their instincts and environment
programmed them to do People often encourage those who subordinate themselves to do so
even further This is not necessarily spiteful because they usually dont even realize what they
are doing Regrettably have noticed myself unconsciously helping people play a subordinate
role try to catch myself We should treat and speak to everyone including people such as the
homeless and developmentally disabled as equals friends and trusted confidantes
The best way to cultivate inner freedom is to learn to relax around petty and aggressive
people You will find that the need to defend yourself will diminish until there is nothing they
can do to aggravate you Make them realize that they dont have the power to bite scratch
or sully you with their words Chimpanzees fling feces to denigrate one another Every time
someone says something degrading they are just flinging feces Lucky for us words cant stain
our clothes
No matter what if you have more composure you will win the argument because you look
like you dont care too much Once they realize they have no access to your physical pain
they will let up You want people to be able to sense that you are not interested in their antics
They will recognize that they cannot blame you for not being pulled in by shenanigans
You want to communicate Were not playing that game of scrutinizing the things we say
to each other for slights Trust me Im simply not going to intentionally offend you
Underreact to Their Offenses
God gives nothing to those who keep their arms crossed West African Proverb
Aside from the struggle for serotonin your average person acts like a jackass because they are
in pain They offend in a poor functioning attempt to hide the outward manifestation of their
trauma It is like they are trying to show us I wouldnt be acting like this if were scared
would In trying to look strong they become offensive Because they see being nice as a form
of selfhandicapping they think that they must be mean so as not to handicap This is a
fundamental sociocognitive error You can be the strongest most ambitious version of yourself
with zero negativity However remember that it is an entirely normal response for other
people to resist your efforts to become more assertive So roll with any resistance
When someone is rude to you and you are not rude back you pull the rug out from under
them By not allowing them to incite your pain you expose theirs They may then use a strategy
to pretend as if your response to them was rude or sarcastic They do this in another attempt to
make it seem that you are the one who is quick to anger The best response is to continue to
keep your cool Dont get bullied into becoming angry Take their harassment in stride
Or simply sidestep it you dont even need to acknowledge their misdeed Feel free to ignore it
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body
It is our right as humans to completely ignore other peoples abusive behaviors if we dont do it
in anger and if we are willing to engage the person in an alternate topic or activity
Ignore rudeness without brooding or becoming sullen The moment you do this the other
person will realize that you are choosing not to respond because they put you in a position
where you didnt have the option to respond in a nice way After ignoring them give them
another chance to engage whenever they want You can alternatively ignore the rude part of
what they said and continue addressing only the positive or intellectual side of their position
Do this magnanimously and they will realize that you gave them a pass They will also respect
you for it Even if they dont mention it they cant help but realize Wow he couldve taken
that opportunity to strike back or discredit me but chose not to Dont let them pull you down
to their level Thats the first step in winning them over
Let the other person bluster and be brash and make no attempt to do the same Because
you dont counter their display they will think that they have beaten you Then when you act
cheerful not attempting to win or lose but being oblivious to the dominance game in general
they will go through a series of emotions First they will feel like they have lost then they will
try to win again to make up for it They may get stuck in that cycle for a while and thats fine
Eventually they will recognize that you intend to act as equals When this happens organically
it is usually the starting point for an alliance or a friendship Why not accelerate the process
Can you imagine negotiating with an angry person without using either appeasement or
aggression What would that look like Many spiritual teachers say that a sign of someone
enlightened is that they cannot be provoked or argued with They are open to discussion and
debate of course but not argument The next activity asks you to explore how you can stand
up for what you believe without losing your composure
Conflict Activity A Relaxed Argument
The next time someone is critical or accusatory prepare yourself for a fully relaxed
argument This involves asserting yourself using calm cool logic without getting offended and
without escalating the conversation in any way Try to achieve the following
Do not raise your voice
Do not whine or speak in a high voice
Do not fake smile smirk or laugh
Do not say anything sarcastic
Monitor your breathing rate heart rate and level of gastric distress
Breathe calmly through your nose for the duration Let your exhalations be passive
Present your side of the argument in a straightforward matteroffact way
Show empathy for their feelings and try to coax them to do the same for you
If the other person escalates the conflict act in ways that deescalate it
Create awareness of your and the other persons impulses to become angry or make
it personal Notice how these originate from sensations of pain within the body
Make your intended outcome not to win but to convince the other person that any
transgression you may have committed was unintentional
Chapter Rise Above Status Conflict
Do not attack them or try to shift blame toward them Just focus on getting them to
see your perspective and why you did what you did
Explain how you will continue to act in the same way in the future or how you are
willing to try to change for them
Feel free to offer an apology for whatever part you played in the disagreement
Meditate on the term unassailable which means unable to be attacked or defeated You