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program_peace

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everything they say and do
Act as if Nothing ls Awkward
Most peoples attempts at social dominance center around making others feel as if they are less
socially skilled The people around you try to gaslight you into thinking that you are socially
incompetent Over time this caused me to act as if everything did and most things that others
did was awkward felt that had social shortcomings and owed it to others to use my body
language to recognize this or else was shameless would also subtly patronize others for
their uncouth blunders thinking it would be dishonest to ignore these This led me into a
downward spiral of awkwardness
One day tried the opposite acted like nothing anyone did was amateur pretended to
be comfortable with every aspect of the interactions had quickly found that this tactic works
wonders and that it is at the heart of being cool as well as being simultaneously nondominating
and nonsubmissive The more we treat others as if they are adroit socially the better they feel
about themselves and the more they like us Do this and be shameless about it Act as if you
and whoever youre with are the coolest people on the planet Once you put this into effect
you will find that your gallant speech and actions send chills up your spine Your own behavior
will become your primary source of endorphins and you will get hooked on being assertive in a
debonair way
Treating people who are awkward or socially defeated as if they are normal will liberate
them We should strive to make everyone feel socially facile even if talking to them is
uncomfortable at first Ignore the unrefined aspects of their presentation and express
enthusiasm for what they are trying to communicate Move on quickly from their
embarrassments and bloopers Ignore any tension leakage they may exhibit Most people focus
on all that is ugly and inept in others When you dont even perceive these things you give
them a chance to blossom
Chapter Finding Happiness Through Playfulness Composed Kindness
Being Humble Rescues You from Status Competition
Because our genes have been subjected to the primate status hierarchy for tens of millions of
years our brains have a propensity to interpret every occurrence as either a promotion or a
demotion It is instinctual Boasting for example becomes common in children as young as
three The ego wants to turn relationships into selfaggrandizement Left unchecked it will turn
everyone even friends and family into a means to an end This instinct to constantly defend
ourselves drains us of the same composure that it intends to conserve
Indeed confidence is necessary but egotism is incredibly tiresome Paradoxically taking
yourself too seriously is a submissive trait Developing a side of yourself that is humble and
modest is necessary for being happy Counterintuitively it is also empowering because it allows
you not to be affected by constant demotions We need humility and unobtrusiveness They
afford us a type of confidence that is unconditional and not based on external circumstances
Happiness Activity Renouncing the Ego
Consider the Buddhist concept of nonself The Buddha recommended that we imagine
having no social identity to protect and obsess over He asked us to recognize the unreality of
the selfconcept and the need to be better than others Buddhists use the word sunyata to
describe both the emptiness and the spaciousness that is achieved when the ego disappears
Can you get yourself to feel it
Imagine voluntarily relinquishing your identity pride and ego Imagine having no name no
body and no physical attributes Imagine having no possessions education resume
accomplishments and no reputation in the world There would be nothing to gloat about
but also nothing for others to criticize There would be no striving for prestige and no social
comparison It would mean being formless and selftranscendent What would it be like to
have no ego for the rest of your life
Another aspect of being cool is not being focused on yourself Dont think about how
you are perceived when you are actively socializing Pretend to have as little selfawareness of
your appearance as possible Over time this will manifest Impression management and self
monitoring can be critical but at times try to stop thinking about others social evaluations of
you Tell yourself that you have already had enough approval compliments and praise from
others to last a lifetime and that you dont need any more This will help you stop identifying
with the evaluations of others An old clich tells us that confidence isnt thinking youre better
than others its not even bothering to make the comparison This logic holds As the charitable
bighearted alphaminded individual you are work toward being oblivious to your conceits
Healthy humility will make it so that you dont have to look for evidence of your worth
anymore Bring an end to the need to measure yourself against other people You want to be a
strong presence that doesnt glorify or advertise itself Being humble also precludes you from
having to continually prove yourself so that you are not embarrassed when you inevitably make
mistakes We should be willing and happy to play a game with a friend even when we know
she is much better than us The only person you should be working toward being better than is
the human being you were yesterday
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body
This next activity is sometimes regarded in Buddhism and Hinduism as the single most
potent metaphysical practice It will tear your false pride to shreds and reveal emotional
maturity underneath it It involves resisting the temptation to defend yourself in front of
others Spiritual author Eckhart Tolle has an insight about this practice When you are
seemingly diminished in some way and remain in absolute nonreaction not just externally but
also internally you realize that nothing real has been diminished that through becoming less
you become more
Happiness Activity Allowing Diminishment of the Ego
Allow another person to say something to diminish your standing without making any
attempt to restore it Allow other people to strike blows to your pride whether by being
brusque criticizing you blaming you or saying something explicitly wrong about you Notice
how it makes you feel inside Become comfortable with the discomfort that it creates Notice
what your normal response would be and inhibit it Remember that you are never required
to retaliate or defend yourself If the other person is waiting for your response perhaps
agree with the part of what they said that is reasonable
The best way to cultivate inner freedom is to learn to relax around petty rude and
aggressive people The need to defend yourself will diminish until it becomes clear to everyone
that there is nothing they can do to aggravate you Every time you stop yourself from
overreacting it gets easier Likewise every time you stop yourself from status maneuvering
social chess jockeying for power and pretending to be someone you are not it gets easier
Endearing But Still Composed
This book has argued that we should not act submissive because of the way it increases tension
in the body over time However body and voice movements that take effort or briefly
compromise composure endear people There are many ways to do this that come across as
warm but that are not inferiority displays and wont lead to repetitive strain For example
some endearing forms of body language include keeping your palms up moving closer to
people pointing your feet toward them and rubbing your hands together
We should even use selfhandicapping displays at times Do this judiciously a little bit at a
time without letting it cripple you If you dont brace them and give them the microbreaks
they need the modules involved will recharge and can be used again right away with no cost
It is endearing to squint raise the eyebrows raise the shoulders crinkle the nose speak in a
high voice and stoop over for brief periods As long as it only persists for a few seconds and
trigger points are not made active it wont drain you