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e Reframe the offenses of others as shortcomings in priorities judgment social maturity |
and word choice |
e Demonstrate more interest in finding a solution than in defending a position |
e Retain your peace regardless of the other persons disposition |
e Listen to and make an effort to understand others perspectives without interrupting |
e Instead of contradicting the contribution of another think about how you can build on |
top of it |
e Beapsychopath with a heart of gold |
e Be absolutely unflappable Pretend you are a god if need be That calm exterior starts as |
a bluff but becomes a way of life |
e Assume the best or neutral motives in others Maintain an objective stance when |
conflict arises |
e Instead of taking in the worst from everyone and reacting against it selectively take the |
best and channel it into everything you do |
Chapter Rise Above Status Conflict |
Chapter Endnotes |
Andersson L Pearson C Tit for tat The spiraling effect of incivility in the |
workplace The Academy of Management Review |
Porath C L Erez A Does rudeness really matter The effects of rudeness on |
task performance and helpfulness Academy of Management Journal |
Sapolsky R M The influence of social hierarchy on primate health Science |
Shepherd S V Platt M L Neuroethology of attention in primates In M L Platt |
A A Ghazanfar Eds Primate neuroethology pp Oxford University Press |
Panksepp J Affective neuroscience of the emotional BrainMind evolutionary |
perspectives and implications for understanding depression Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience |
Maletic V M Robinson M Oakes T lyengar S Ball S G Russell J |
Neurobiology of depression An integrated view of key findings International Journal of Clinical |
Practice |
Millan C Peltier M J Cesars way The natural everyday guide to |
understanding correcting common dog problems Random House |
Conniff R The ape in the corner office Random House |
Blair R Coles M Expression recognition and behavioral problems in early |
adolescence Cognitive Development pp Stevens D Charman T Blair |
R J R Recognition of emotion in facial expressions and vocal tones in children with |
psychopathic tendencies The Journal of Genetic Psychology |
Blair R J R Responsiveness to distress cues in the child with psycholopathic |
tendencies Personality and Individual Differences Levenston G Patrick C |
Bradley M Lang P The psychopath as observer Emotion and attention in picture |
processing Journal of Abnormal Psychology |
Buckholtz J W Treadway M T Cowan R L Woodward N D Benning S D Li R |
Ansari M S Baldwin R M Schwartzman A N Shelby E S Smith C E Cole D Kessler |
R M Zald D H Mesolimbic dopamine reward system hypersensitivity in individuals |
with psychopathic traits Nature neuroscience |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
Chapter Finding Happiness Through Playfulness |
Composed Kindness |
No one can live happily who has regard to himself alone and transforms everything into a question of his own |
utility you must live for your neighbor if you would live for yourself Seneca c BCE |
Trust men and they will be true to you treat them greatly and they will show themselves great Ralph Waldo |
Emerson |
People are often hesitant to be nice It is stigmatized When we see polite people they often |
cause us to wonder Are they so friendly because they are weak This is a common |
contention because being kind often involves slowing down letting others have their way and |
handicapping oneself But equating niceness with weakness is fallacious because being nice |
doesnt necessarily mean that you allow others to take advantage This is because it is entirely |
possible to be selfcomposed when kind Composed kindness has very few costs Employing it |
will improve your interpersonal functioning and restore your good faith in others In Chapter |
said that people were taking my anxious kindness for weakness making me into a bitter |
person You will find that people take your composed kindness for strength making you into a |
people person |
Every encounter you have with another person is an opportunity for you to practice |
composed kindness Keep spreading goodwill whether others reciprocate or not Starting with |
unilateral kindness can help you surmount the other persons defense mechanisms Be |
prepared to be the cheerful helpful chap in a world full of miserable Scrooges Presume good |
faith and positive intentions This eventually brings the best out in everyone You cannot lose so |
long as you maintain your sense of enlightened benevolence guided by your personal code |
and centered by unbothered breathing |
Being Cool Is Disarming |
One of the best ways to bring composure to your kindness is by being cool Done right it can |
disarm pettiness What does acting cool mean to you To answer this think of the top five |
coolest people you know Who would be on your list of the coolest celebrities Who were the |
people you looked up to in your youth When have you been cool in the past Channel this |
energy Think urbane suave garrulous jocular and levelheaded You want sangfroid verve |
cachet and moxie Think firmness of character force of determination steadiness of nerves |
unruffled tact and being powerfully goodnatured Keep the word savoirfaire and its |
definition in mind the ability to speak or behave appropriately and at ease in social situations |
Being cool means not being afraid of being too calm This can make you come off as numb |
or detached and that is okay Dont be afraid to zone out on your friends They may take it as |
aloofness and try to push you away But if you dont push back and you leave the door open |
allowing them to linger many people will choose to hang out and hang loose with you Try to |
get them to detach as much as you have proving that forced extraversion isnt necessary |
Take breaks from talking and just take in your surroundings Never feel pressured to keep |
interacting Lounge in comfortable silences Dont use adrenaline to help you complete your |
sentence or help you find that term on the tip of your tongue Dont allow cortisol to dictate |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
your personality at the event Instead use serotonin endorphins and oxytocin to help you |
build rapport |
Being cool is about having sustainable body language in social situations You want to |
operate in a way that would not fatigue even if you had to socialize for hours straight |
How would you behave if you knew that you would be awake surrounded by people and face |
toface interactions for two full days You would have to pace yourself This would require you |
to allow plenty of microbreaks to each of various modules Your face voice breath |
and posture would have to be indefatigable invulnerable to fatigue And if you were to |
maintain your assertiveness for the duration you would have to be very cool Almost every |
one of the exercises in this book will enhance your cool Facial massage gut compression |
vocal rehab and increasing diaphragm range will all contribute significantly |
For your coolness to be tenable in the long term you must act like everyone else is cool |
When you treat someone else as though they were cool you validate them Thus the best way |
to make yourself seem normal and wellfunctioning is to treat everyone else as normal and |
wellfunctioning So act as if you expect the other person to be confident and at ease in |
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