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that moves fluidly up and down shows that you are not trembling Much of the same goes for |
hugs Hugs should be nourishing long firm and without startling or any sudden involuntary |
movements |
Negative Physical Encounters |
if someone succeeds in provoking you realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation |
Epictetus c |
Come to grips with the fact that you may have to fight to protect yourself or others |
Animal behaviorists almost always recommend that you fight back fiercely if attacked by an |
animal Criminologists recommend that you do the same if assaulted by a human Dont attack |
until after they have launched the first offensive but once they do you have carte blanche |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
Fight fair but fight with zest gumption and a determination to end the altercation quickly and |
with as little destructiveness as necessary Keep in mind that you can be legally and financially |
liable for any injuries you cause and that if you gravely hurt the person or kill them you could |
end up in jail for decades or even for the rest of your life |
In most escalating situations if the person can tell that you are not afraid of fighting them |
but are also not intentionally provoking them they will leave you alone The best way to avoid |
a fight is to show with your face that you are not scared at all and that you are not interested |
No one is going to want to fight you if you look like you are disinterested in fighting You want |
your attitude to say Oh we can certainly fight but only as a last resort have found that it |
can help to tell yourself that you do not fight civilians just monsters supervillains evil robots |
invading aliens and extreme threats to good |
It can also help to stop thinking of physical combat as traumatic Dont fear it or give it |
more power than it deserves People that fight frequently think little of it Think of it as a right |
of passage or as a game that you are willing to play if necessary It is an undertaking that serves |
as a final deciding factor in a dispute Even if you lose remain relaxed Hey lost you got me |
or Well the fella whupped me pretty good so suppose he can have his way this time |
There should be no shame in declining to fight or in losing a fight |
Many people find themselves pulled into fights due to an immature sign of petulance on |
their faces They are displaying an air of submissive threat Primates generally make two kinds |
of threats confident and subordinate Subordinate threats are reckless They come from a |
place of fear and pain and have startle embedded within them Most threats in humans and |
primates are subordinate |
Monkeys will stare jerk their head lunge forward or fakecharge to try to get another |
group member to submit These are usually bluffs Many wild animals will stop altogether if the |
other merely holds its ground Even pound charging elephants are known to turn away |
at the last second from a human standing calmly with planted feet People relying on physical |
intimidation are looking for easy targets It is the same when people try to criticize you |
Those who crumble get picked on forever Dont be intimidated Plant your feet If you act |
afraid of a carnivorous mammal this forces it to become more aggressive If you act afraid |
of other people it similarly forces them instinctively to persecute you further |
How would you act if you encountered a wolf or mountain lion on a hike Ideally you |
would want to act dominant and indifferent but always letting the animal know youre aware |
of its every movement If you do this properly it will keep a safe distance most of the time |
as youre telling it you feel secure enough to claim and remain in your territory You are |
communicating that you pose a greater threat to it than it does to you This is the mindset to |
use in public places You want to implicitly communicate that you pose a bigger threat to others |
than they pose to you but that you have no desire or intent to harm |
If we can resolve to refrain from physical violence until it is the very last option we can |
greatly reduce our level of stress because the expectation of physical conflict is one of the main |
things that causes us to brace our chakralike modules Actively refraining from violence is an |
ageold practice The Hindu and Buddhist practice of ahimsa from the Sanskrit word for |
noninjury is a doctrine of renouncing any form of violence toward any living being It is a |
beautiful way to live life |
Chapter Rise Above Status Conflict |
Conclusion |
A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men Thomas Carlyle |
Because our brains expect that we will be actively competing for food and sex they expect us |
to have enemies Genetically prepared instincts influence us to take the closest thing they can |
find to an enemy and villainize them This is also why if you put two unfamiliar adult cats into |
a room they will probably not get along You might desperately want them to get along |
they might be happier if they didbut often they cannot get past their reflexive defense |
mechanisms This confused displaced hostility is also present in the modern workplace and |
home where conflict seems to be the norm It is all too easy for values and prehistoric |
programming to clash Anger often erupts out of an interaction between two people who both |
feel they are completely reasonable As with the cats this is largely neurological |
A large proportion of animals will attack their reflection when they see a mirror for the first |
time Apes will commonly take offense from their own body posturing They send and receive |
threatening displays to their reflection until they provoke themselves into assaulting the mirror |
If you saw a mirror image of yourself and didnt recognize it would you be offended by your |
own social displays Could you get along with yourself |
Some animals see their reflections in the mirror and want to play Isnt that beautiful |
Let us be that way Why not carry ourselves in a way that influences others to be playful |
We will delve into this in the next chapter |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
Chapter Bullet Points |
e Hostility is associated with heart disease high blood pressure insulin resistance and |
inflammation |
e There is no need to be right or make anyone else wrong |
e Dont embed barbs in your comments |
e Never let anything anyone says cause you to beat yourself up from the inside |
e Use skillful assertion to bring out the best in people |
e Doas muchas you can to see others as tribe members collaborators and players on the |
same team rather than rivals |
e You should never feel forced to choose between being a nice guy no one respects and |
being a jerk who gets everything he wants |
When dealing with a difficult person you want to sidestep their negativity and take the |
shortcut to the outcome that you want while remaining fair and equitable |
e Resist the emotional urge to take offense and pursue vengeance |
e Respond to provocation with calm noncontention |
e Handle conflict charismatically |
e Never respond as if you are reacting to bullying Never be a victim |
e Trying to be better than other people and outdo them is exhausting and ends up taxing |
your health |
e Cultivate selfawareness for your tendency to take out frustrations and transfer blame |
e Dont let anyone grab you by the breath |
e Acknowledge that your actions and opinions are fallible |
e Feel comfortable apologizing and offering clarification for your behaviors |
e Avoid implicitly condoning acts of incivility that you witness |
e Lower your constant guard against perceived diminishment and loss of ego |
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