line stringlengths 1 117 |
|---|
spent years trying to figure out how to make eye contact in a way that is welcoming and |
not domineering eventually concluded that eye contact comes across as affable when it |
appears as if it takes no thought However it takes lots of experience for eye contact to |
become genuine and uncontrived After some trial and error came across the following rules |
of thumb |
Make as much eye contact with others as they make with you You might want to look |
away first but then when you reinstate eye contact feel secure that it is now their turn |
to look away Keep in mind that rigidly keeping track of every glance takes away from |
the natural flow Take turns be fair but dont sell yourself short |
The more expressive you are the longer you can maintain your gaze without upsetting |
the other person If you gesture with your hands raise your brow momentarily or build |
a slowgrowing smile you can maintain your gaze without coming across as intense If |
you can get yourself to feel trust respect or even love for others your eye contact will |
become trusting respectful and loving This is perhaps the most powerful and |
endearing way to make eye contact |
Do not look down when you look away from the other persons eyes When you look at |
the floor after making eye contact it can be taken as a sign of defeat and often |
interrupts the flow of the conversation Rather than looking down try to look to the side |
of the person at the eye line This will make them feel that you are listening have |
remained engaged and are ready to reinstate eye contact |
Look someone in the eyes and wait until their eyes meet yours to start talking If done in |
a friendly manner this can motivate someone to connect with you When in a group |
take the time to look each person in the eye while you talk |
Many experts in nonverbal communication recommend trying to make eye contact |
about of the time during a conversation Be sensitive however to how the other |
person is responding to your extended eye contact They may feed off it or actively |
avoid it |
think it is profitable to discuss eye contact with friends and acquaintances have told |
several friends have been trying to make more eye contact recently want you to be |
comfortable with this How do you feel about the dynamics of our eye contact have |
even gone as far as saying things like Lets work together on using more eye contact so |
that we can get better at it |
The following exercise combines several tactics into one larger practice to help you |
develop reflexes around a healthy assertive social gaze that communicates to others your bold |
eye contact is a positive form of social engagement |
Chapter Hold a Steady Upward Gaze with Wide Eyes |
Eye Exercise WellFunctioning Eye Contact Behavior |
Sit a foot or two in front of a mirror staring into your pupils Perform the following while |
engaging in paced breathing |
Widen and then relax your eyes every few seconds |
Deftly move your gaze between your two eyes without breaking eye contact Try |
to alternate from one pupil directly to the other Try doing it rapidly dozens of |
times |
When you blink during contact immediately reinstate eye contact without ever |
looking away Try using the slow blink you worked on earlier in this chapter |
Break eye contact by raising your gaze above your eye line then reestablish eye |
contact |
Raise your eyebrows in a friendly way then let them lower completely Do not |
compensate for lowering your brown by squinting |
In apes and monkeys dominant individuals stare down subordinate ones The state of |
affairs is similar for humans The visual dominance ratio VDR is a concept used in psychology |
to quantify eye contact behavior between people in a conversation A persons VDR is |
calculated by taking the percentage of time that one spends looking into another persons eyes |
while speaking and dividing that number by the percentage of time that person spends looking |
into anothers eyes while listening |
VDR eye contact while speaking eye contact while listening |
This means that if you make about the same amount of eye contact while speaking that |
you do while listening your VDR is roughly If you make more eye contact while speaking |
your VDR rises above which is dominant If you make most of your eye contact while listening |
and look away when you speak it drops below Usually a high VDR indicates that you think |
what you have to say is important |
Studies have shown that when people speak to their peers and colleagues they have an |
average VDR of around When they speak to experts or highstatus individuals their VDR |
drops and when they speak to people lower in status their VDR rises For example when |
individuals in the military speak to someone of higher rank their VDR goes down when they |
speak to someone of lower rank it goes up The same has been shown to occur in the |
corporate hierarchy as well as in fraternities and sororities |
The upstanding genteel strategy is to aim for a VDR of around with everyone |
regardless of their status However was unable to achieve a VDR higher than because |
found it extremely difficult to maintain eye contact as formulated my sentences Making eye |
contact would leave me tonguetied Years of subordination made it so that just didnt have |
the processing capability to do both things at once The exercise below cured this Use the |
training exercise below to raise your VDR quotient |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
Eye Exercise Using the Telephone in Front of a Mirror |
When you speak to someone on the phone sit or stand in front of a mirror and make |
constant eye contact with yourself As you listen and speak make eye contact with your |
reflection in the mirror keeping your eyes wide and your eyebrows relaxed Notice your |
tendency to look away while you are formulating your sentences Perfect your ability to |
produce and deliver your speech while maintaining unbroken eye contact with yourself |
Try to use eye contact to show the other person that you are curious about their facial |
responses to the topic of conversation This will keep them engaged It has been my experience |
that most people find eye contact that comes across as interested in them to be validating and |
endearing Finally the last major benefit of increased positive eye contact is that you learn so |
much more when you look at people than when you look away It makes you better at |
processing emotions and will increase your empathy quotient |
It was easy to help my cat become more comfortable with eye contact First would hold |
him gently so that he was facing me in a way that allowed him to rest and be still would |
position my face close to his and make eye contact with him while petting him for reassurance |
While breathing calmly would look into both his eyes for just under a minute would feed |
him afterward This dramatically increased the frequency at which he sought eye contact He |
even began to seek it out when he wasnt hungry Like most cats his normal pattern had been |
to squint look down or break eye contact when looking at me To help counteract that |
fostered his ability to make sustained contact by not staring him down instead looking away |
about half the time To help him stop squinting also gently massaged the orbits of his eyes |
The results were noticeable quite quickly Within a few weeks he stopped squinting and |
his eyes were wider all the time He now actively seeks wideeyed eye contact from everyone |
That in turn seems to have increased his social intelligence This is probably because he is now |
exposed to more information from peoples faces as he interacts with them watched my cat |
become more personable and noticed a real increase in the strength of our bond Studies back |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.