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you can replicate that feeling in daily life |
Improve Your Eye Contact Skills by Looking at Your Eyes in the Mirror |
When first started trying to make concerted eye contact with myself in a mirror it was |
uncomfortable It became apparent that eye contact with others was awkward for me because |
eye contact with myself was awkward After spending time holding my own gaze realized that |
instead of looking myself directly in the iris or pupil usually looked around the eyes rather |
than directly at them Then found that was doing the same thing when made eye contact |
with others Sometimes looked at a persons cheeks nose mouth or ear other times off into |
the space to the side of their head felt astounded when realized that virtually never looked |
anyone straight in the eye |
The most interesting thing about this is what would happen if tried to sustain eye contact |
with myself in the mirror could only look into my iris for a mere second or two before my eyes |
would flinch or dart away This was caused by reflexive startle and was therefore unconscious |
and hard to resist It happened because my brain areas devoted to controlling eye movement |
such as the frontal eye fields and the superior colliculi were not acclimatized to continual eye |
contact My eyes were retreating out of fear |
Everyones eyes autonomously flinch away from eye contact to different extents They do |
so more when stress levels are high and the extent to which they do it is another marker of |
social rank Some of our worst social experiences when threats forced us to avert our gaze |
have traumatized the unconscious motor systems that control the eyes We should all try |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
to break this neurological reflex to glance away from eye contact because it stunts our |
social growth |
Do you make direct and sustained eye contact with the characters on television If not |
then you probably have an aversion to making eye contact as did Make a concerted effort to |
always look the characters onscreen straight in the eye Many of us must force ourselves to |
start taking simple steps toward building up a tolerance for eye contact which will help you |
develop a preference for it |
Illustration A Gorilla with wide eyes B A boy squinting and crying C Woman looking up and smiling |
The best way to desensitize yourself to eye contact is to spend prolonged periods looking |
into your own eyes in a mirror Notice and resist the impulse to glance away You will achieve |
results quickly After pairing the exercise below with diaphragmatic breathing for one week |
five minutes a day you should be able to make unwavering eye contact with yourself and feel |
calm while doing it After practicing it for a few weeks you can do this with anyone Now only |
look away when choose to also have a different relationship with myself now Not only do |
feel more confident but also feel more trustworthy |
Eye Exercise Making Eye Contact with Yourself |
Sit in front of a mirror and make eye contact with yourself for five minutes Look straight into |
your irises or pupils Do not raise your eyebrows and keep your eyes wide open Start at a |
typical conversational distance one to four feet from the mirror itself Later try it from other |
distances from one inch to feet Try to maintain a tranquil and confident expression and |
breathe long deep breaths guided by a breath metronome Ensure that you maintain |
steadfast contact with your irises throughout each smooth inhalation and exhalation |
thought that one of my eyes was smaller than the other but this exercise proved to me that |
was merely squinting my left eye harder and within a few sessions this asymmetry was |
healed After you have practiced this alone several times try maintaining eye contact in this |
way with a friend |
One of the best times to practice is right after you wake up when the tension in the |
muscles surrounding your eyes is most apparent Performing the above eyecontact exercise in |
the morning will help you settle your eye posture into a positive healthy mode early in the day |
making it easier to keep your eyes wide throughout the day You might also want to try it right |
before meeting someone on whom you want to make a good impression Breathing usually |
Chapter Hold a Steady Upward Gaze with Wide Eyes |
becomes shallow during eye contact If you can breathe diaphragmatically during sustained eye |
contact with yourself you will be able to do it with other people This is because most of the |
subcortical circuits involved dont know the difference between looking yourself in the eye in a |
mirror and looking someone else in the eye People will be surprised by how easy it is for you to |
sustain wideeyed eye contact and impute saintlike qualities to you |
Make Your Assertive Eye Contact Friendly |
Socially dominant wolves stare freely and casually at their packmates but those packmates |
never stare at the dominant animal The same is true with monkeys Momentary eye contact |
with a dominant individual causes them to perform a submission gesture as an apology These |
patterns also pertain to apes For example chimps avoid eye contact during confrontations and |
physical struggles and subordinate chimps make much less eye contact when they are around |
their dominant peers Chimps may charge at an individual from another group if it makes eye |
contact Staring between unfamiliar apes is often interpreted as a threat signal Even an |
unfamiliar human staring at a primate often elicits an attack response However chimpanzees |
and gorillas from the same group frequently share gazes and use their eyes for communication |
much like us Familiar chimps that are similar in rank make concerted eye contact under |
normal conditions especially when making up after a fight |
Of course eye contact behavior among humans is far more variable than among primates |
with sizeable cultural differences in the frequency and significance of different ocular |
behaviors In many cultures direct and prolonged eye contact is seen as a challenge or a test of |
nerves so everyday eye contact tends to be brief In America averting the eyes is interpreted |
as a lack of confidence certainty or truthfulness while sustained eye contact is taken to |
indicate sincere interest forthrightness and attentiveness In the American context people |
who make more eye contact are seen as more competent likable and trustworthy overall In |
general the longer eye contact is maintained the greater the intimacy levels Positive feelings |
toward another person generally increase as the length and frequency of a mutual gaze |
increase This instinct seems to be built into us We are born expecting and craving eye |
contact Infants prefer to look at faces that engage them in mutual eye contact and cry less |
when exposed to them |
As a child made minimal eye contact with my parents teachers and classmates didnt |
want to challenge anyone didnt want to make any waves and usually just wanted to be left |
alone so avoiding eye contact worked for me Also most of my life felt like an ugly person |
and thought that by initiating eye contact was forcing someone to look at an ugly face Most |
people have this worry to some degree If you do get over it Also keep in mind that refusing |
eye contact can be domineering as when the alpha chimpanzee refuses to make eye contact or |
even look at some of their subjects Release any unkind tendency you may have to avoid eye |
contact with people you may think are ugly or beneath you |
Throughout my adolescence and young adulthood paid little attention to eye contact in |
general and because did not attend to it was clumsy with it The next two exercises helped |
me tremendously Making more frequent eye contact has opened doors for me allowing me to |
meet new people prolong conversations build rapport and prove to others that am not a |
pushover On the other hand it also sometimes has the effect of making the person am talking |
to feel uncomfortable giving them the lurking suspicion that my eye contact is a way to assert |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
myself That tradeoff seems to be intrinsic There is no way to avoid sometimes appearing |
overbearing All we can do is work toward healthy eyecontact habits even if they sometimes |
make people uncomfortable |
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