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The Forest of Skund was indeed enchanted, which was nothing unusual on the Disc, and was also the only forest in the whole universe to be called – in the local language – Your Finger You Fool, which was the literal meaning of the word Skund. The reason for this is regrettably all too common. When the first explorers fr...
It all seemed, he thought, to be rather a lot of trouble to go to just to sharpen a razor blade. And in the Forest of Skund Twoflower and Rincewind settled down to a meal of gingerbread mantlepiece and thought longingly of pickled onions. And far away, but set as it were on a collision course, the greatest hero the Dis...
He picked it up easily, took a longbow from a rack, said a word of power, and watched with satisfaction as the magic grasped the ends of the bow and then tightened until the wood creaked. Then he selected an arrow. Trymon had tugged a heavy, full-length mirror into the middle of the floor. When I am head of the Order, ...
He may be deaf and a little hard of thinking, but elderly wizards have very well-trained survival instincts, and they know that when a tall figure in a black robe and the latest in agricultural handtools starts looking thoughtfully at you it is time to act fast. The servants have been dismissed. The doorways have been ...
In a little village deep in the forest an ancient shaman threw a few more twigs on his fire and stared through the smoke at his shamefaced apprentice. ‘A box with legs on?’ he said. ‘Yes, master. It just appeared out of the sky and looked at me,’ said the apprentice. ‘It had eyes then, this box?’ ‘N—,’ began the appren...
‘Perhaps this one just found out how. ’ ‘Let’s just hope it doesn’t forget again,’ said Rincewind. He huddled up in his soaking robe and looked glumly at the cloud around him. He supposed there were some people somewhere who had some control over their lives; they got up in the morning, and went to bed at night in the ...
‘What’s that?’ ‘It’s what happens when people spend five hundred years trying to get a stone circle to work properly and then someone comes up with a little book with a page for every day and little chatty bits saying things like “Now is a good time to plant broad beans” and “Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man he...
Rather sticky, like candyfloss. Very syrupy, in fact—’ ‘ In case anyone’s interested ,’ said a crackly voice on Rincewind’s left, ‘you’re all wrong. In the beginning was the Clearing of the Throat—’ ‘—then the word—’ ‘Pardon me, the slime—’ ‘Distinctly rubbery, I thought—’ There was a pause. Then a voice said carefully...
‘Right now!’ ‘But there’s going to be an ancient and traditional ceremony!’ ‘I don’t care how ancient! I want the feel of honest cobbles under my feet, I want the old familiar smell of cesspits, I want to go where there’s lots of people and fires and roofs and walls and friendly things like that! I want to go home !’ H...
To make the crops grow or the moon rise or something. Or maybe they’re just keen on killing people. That’s religion for you. ’ He became aware of a low humming sound, not so much heard as felt. It seemed to be coming from the stone next to them. Little points of light flickered under its surface, like mica specks. Twof...
’ ‘Treasure?’ said Rincewind weakly. ‘All the necklashes and shtuff. All the gold collarsh. They’ve got lotsh of them. Thatsh prieshts for you,’ said the old man wetly. ‘Nothing but torc, torc, torc. Who’she the girl?’ ‘She won’t let us rescue her,’ said Rincewind. The girl looked at the old man defiantly through her s...
Cohen (who’d had horse soup) explained that the Horse Tribes of the Hubland steppes were born in the saddle, which Rincewind considered was a gynaecological impossibility, and they were particularly adept at natural magic, since life on the open steppe makes you realize how neatly the sky fits the land all around the e...
‘I think we should now consider the matter of Rincewind,’ said Trymon. ‘And the star,’ said Wert. ‘People are noticing, you know. ’ ‘Yes, they say we should be doing something,’ said Lumuel Panter, of the Order of Midnight. ‘What, I should like to know?’ ‘Oh, that’s easy,’ said Wert. ‘They say we should read the Octavo...
He stumbled down the slope, with his fingers in his ears, until he saw a sight seen by very few living men. The ground dipped sharply until it became a vast funnel, fully a mile across, into which the whispering wind of the souls of the dead blew with a vast, echoing susurration, as though the Disc itself was breathing...
‘But if War had chosen a trump lead originally, then the contract would have gone two down?’ ‘Exactly!’ I DIDN’T QUITE FOLLOW THAT. T ELL ME ABOUT PSYCHIC BIDS AGAIN , I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING THE HANG OF THAT. It was a heavy, hollow voice, like two large lumps of lead smashing together. ‘That’s when you make a bid prim...
As the little man fell backwards Rincewind caught him, threw him over a shoulder and ran. Branches whipped at him in the starlit garden, and small, furry and probably horrible things scampered away as he pounded desperately along the faint lifeline that shone eerily on the freezing grass. From the building behind him c...
Terrible things will happen if all eight spells are said too soon. ’ ‘I just want to be left in peace,’ said Rincewind. ‘Good, good. We knew we could trust you from the day you first opened the Octavo. ’ Rincewind hesitated. ‘Hang on a minute,’ he said. ‘You want me to run around keeping the wizards from getting all th...
I’ve been around; if a man hash lotsh of money he’sh just ecshentric. ’ Cohen turned in his saddle again. Twoflower was telling Bethan how Cohen had single-handedly defeated the snake warriors of the witch lord of S’belinde and stolen the sacred diamond from the giant statue of Offler the Crocodile God. A weird smile f...
‘Look, I’ll show you – er, Bethan, do you mind looking the other way?’ He waited until she had turned around and then put his hand to his mouth. ‘You shee?’ he said. Bethan heard Cohen gasp. ‘You can take yoursh out?’ ‘Oh yesh. I’ve got sheveral shets. Excushe me—’ There was a swallowing noise, and then in a more norma...
’ They paused in front of a familiar-looking cliff. The scuffed remains of a fire smouldered in the darkness. ‘It looks like there’s been a fight,’ said Beryl. ‘They’re all gone!’ said Rincewind. He ran to the end of the clearing. ‘The horses, too! Even the Luggage!’ ‘One of them’s leaked,’ said Kwartz, kneeling down. ...
‘What do you think, Twoflower?’ ‘Well, I’m not a cave expert,’ he said, ‘but I was just thinking, that’s a very interesting stalag-thingy hanging from the ceiling up there. Sort of bulbous, isn’t it?’ They looked at it. ‘I can’t quite put my finger on why,’ said Twoflower, ‘but I think it might be a rather good idea to...
‘I think my back’sh gone again,’ complained Cohen, as Bethan helped him to his feet. ‘What do we do with this man?’ said Bethan. ‘We take hish knife and tell him to bugger off,’ said Cohen. ‘Right?’ ‘Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!’ said Weems, and bolted towards the cavemouth. For a moment he was outlined against the grey p...
When they were safely hidden behind a shrub he said, ‘He’s gone barmy. ’ ‘That’s Cohen the Barbarian you’re talking about!’ said Twoflower, genuinely shocked. ‘He is the greatest warrior that—’ ‘ Was ,’ said Rincewind urgently. ‘All that stuff with the warrior priests and man-eating zombies was years ago. All he’s got ...
Weems scowled and pulled Rincewind’s ear until it was right in front of his mouth, and said hoarsely, ‘I’m afraid of nothing, understand? This wizard stuff, I spit on it. ’ ‘They all say that until they hear the footsteps,’ said Rincewind. He stopped. A knifepoint was pricking his ribs. Nothing happened for the rest of...
They all looked at her. ‘Well, it looked as if it was whining,’ she said. ‘I think it’s rather sweet, really. ’ Four pairs of eyes turned towards the Luggage, which was squatting on the other side of the fire. It got up, and very pointedly moved back into the shadows. ‘Eashy to feed,’ said Cohen. ‘Hard to lose’ agreed ...
Who, actually, could remember seeing them? And now the star had been sent— It went on and on, a quiet, clear voice that used words like ‘cleanse’ and ‘scouring’ and ‘purify’ and drilled into the brain like a hot sword. Where were the wizards? Where was magic? Had it ever really worked, or had it all been a dream? Rince...
Against the whole of human experience Twoflower believed that if only people would talk to each other, have a few drinks, exchange pictures of their grandchildren, maybe take in a show or something, then everything could be sorted out. He also believed that people were basically good but sometimes had their bad days. W...
One of the star people, a woman, pushed her hair out of her eyes with a soot-blackened hand, gazed intently at Cohen’s left ear, and said, ‘Ridding the Disc of wickedness. ’ Two men came out of the building and glared at Cohen, or at least at his ear. Cohen reached out and took the heavy book the woman was carrying. It...
There was a stack of jars containing deliquescent bath salts, to which someone had fixed a rather sad and jaunty little notice announcing, in the face of all the evidence, that one would make an Ideal Gift. There was also quite a lot of dust. Bethan peered at the shelves on the other wall, and laughed. ‘Would you look ...
So I say, of course magical, what else?’ ‘Are there a lot of them about, then?’ said Rincewind. ‘All over the Disc, friend. Don’t ask me why. ’ ‘They believe a star is going to crash into the Disc,’ said Rincewind. ‘Is it?’ ‘Lots of people think so. ’ ‘That’s a shame. I’ve done good business here. Too magical, they say...
It had been quite nice, sitting here in the shade. He had just worked out that in trying to escape from a city of crazed madmen he appeared to have allowed one mad man to give him his full attention. He wondered whether he would live to regret this. He earnestly hoped so. ‘Oh yes, it’s definitely thinking,’ he said bit...
‘Not just star people,’ said Twoflower. ‘All kinds of people!’ The crowd swept them up in its passage. One moment they were standing in the deserted street, the next they were perforce moving with a tide of humanity that bore them onwards through the city. Torchlight flickered easily on the damp tunnels far under the U...
A moment later, his feet wedged into the holes he had created, he was making further steps halfway up the wall. ‘It’s been like this for centuries,’ his voice floated down. ‘Some of the stones haven’t got any mortar. Secret entrance, see? Watch out below. ’ Another stone cracked into the cobbles. ‘Students made it long...
‘Look,’ said a voice from behind the grille, as kindly as it could manage, ‘just go and find us a wizard, there’s a good fellow. ’ Rincewind took a deep breath. ‘Stand back,’ he rasped. ‘What?’ ‘Find something to hide behind,’ he barked, with his voice shaking only slightly. ‘You too,’ he said to Bethan and Twoflower. ...
‘What about them?’ Blue light speared down the inside of the tower. There was a peal of thunder. The wizards reached them, coughing horribly and fighting for breath. ‘What’s the plan?’ said Rincewind. ‘There isn’t one,’ said Wert. ‘Right. Fine,’ said Rincewind. ‘I’ll leave you to get on with it, then. ’ ‘You’ll come wi...
But Rincewind advanced on it angrily, shouting, Maybe, but the fact is I do believe it and you’d better remember whose head you’re in, right? I can believe anything I like in here! Rincewind jumped aside again as another bolt of fire lanced through the hot night. Trymon grinned, and made another complicated motion with...
‘I think that might be sort of difficult,’ grunted Twoflower. ‘I don’t actually think I can do it, in fact. ’ ‘What are you holding on to, then?’ ‘You. ’ ‘I mean besides me. ’ ‘What do you mean, besides you?’ said Twoflower. Rincewind said a word. ‘Well, look,’ said Twoflower. ‘The steps go around in a spiral, right? I...
Silence spread out from Rincewind’s bent form like ripples in a puddle. It cascaded down the tower and spread out through the milling crowds below, flowed over the walls, gushed darkly through the city, and engulfed the lands beyond. The bulk of the star loomed silently over the Disc. In the sky around it the new moons...
It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate beauty, he just appreciates it in his own way. I mean, if a poet sees a daffodil he stares at it and writes a long poem about it, but Twoflower wanders off to find a book on botany. And treads on it. It’s right what Cohen said. He just looks at things, but nothing he looks at is ever...
’ ‘Oh, there’s no—’ Twoflower rummaged in the Luggage and produced a large sack. He began to fill it with clothes and money and the picture box until finally the Luggage was completely empty. The last thing he put in was his souvenir musical cigarette box with the shell-encrusted lid, carefully wrapped in soft paper. ‘...
“What does that make him?” A SOURCERER, AS YOU ARE WELL AWARE. Thunder rolled, on cue. “What is his destiny?” shouted Ipslore, above the rising gale. Death shrugged again. He was good at it. S OURCERERS MAKE THEIR OWN DESTINY. T HEY TOUCH THE EARTH LIGHTLY. Ipslore leaned on the staff, drumming on it with his fingers, ...
For example, the scum on the river Ankh, that great wide slow waterway that served the double city as reservoir, sewer and frequent morgue, had turned a particularly iridescent green. The city’s drunken rooftops sprouted mattresses and bolsters as the winter bedding was put out to air in the weak sunshine, and in the d...
Some of them were wearing clothes but that wasn’t unusual for the University, where the high level of background magic does strange things to genes. As he stared around him Rincewind could see other streams of gray bodies leaving the University by every drainpipe and flowing toward the outside wall. The ivy by his ear ...
The Librarian unfolded like a four-legged spider. “Oook?” Rincewind half-dragged the ape from his nest and out through the door. He didn’t head for the main gates but for an otherwise undistinguished area of wall where a few loose stones had, for two thousand years, offered students an unobtrusive way in after lights-o...
” Rincewind stared into the frothy remnants of his last beer, and then, with extreme care in case the top of his head fell off, leaned down and poured some into a saucer for the Luggage. It was lurking under the table, which was a relief. It usually embarrassed him in bars by sidling up to drinkers and terrorizing them...
He stood up, fingered his eighth-level sash, and winked at Spelter. “Oh, pretty powerful. Quite powerful as wizards go. ” “Good. I challenge you. Show me your strongest magic. And when I have beaten you, why, then I shall be Archchancellor. ” “Why, you impudent—” began Spelter, but his protest was lost in the roar of l...
“He does not seem overly inclined to use that power,” said Carding. “What about Billias and Virrid?” “Childish pique,” said Carding. The other wizards stared from him to the bursar. They were aware of something going on, and couldn’t quite put their finger on it. The reason that wizards didn’t rule the Disc was quite s...
” “Well, there was trouble because the sourcerers fought among themselves,” said Carding, “But one sourcerer wouldn’t be any trouble. One sourcerer correctly advised, that is. By older and wiser minds. ” “But he wants the Archchancellor’s hat!” “Why can’t he have it?” Spelter’s mouth dropped open. This was too much, ev...
Three members of the Patrician’s personal guard appeared at the top of the stairs. Their leader beamed down at the room. The smile suggested that he intended to be the only one to enjoy the joke. “Don’t nobody move,” he suggested. Rincewind heard a clatter behind him as more guards appeared at the back door. The Drum’s...
Of all the disreputable taverns in all the city you could have walked into, you walked into his , complained the hat. “He was the only wizard I could find,” said the girl. “He looked the part. He had ‘Wizard’ written on his hat and everything. ” Don’t believe everything you read. Too late now, anyway. We haven’t got mu...
Two more grabbed the hatbox from his arms. Conina spun past him, lifting her skirt to place a neat foot on a target beside Rincewind’s waist. Someone whimpered in his ear and collapsed. As the girl pirouetted gracefully around she picked up two bottles, knocked out their bottoms on the shelf and landed with their jagge...
“Yes, well, but from him I got sinews you could moor a boat with, reflexes like a snake on a hot tin, a terrible urge to steal things and this dreadful sensation every time I meet someone that I should be throwing a knife through his eye at ninety feet. I can, too,” she added with a trace of pride. “Gosh. ” “It tends t...
Of course, it was usually full of magic anyway, but it was an old, comfortable magic, as exciting and dangerous as a bedroom slipper. But seeping through the ancient fabric was a new magic, saw-edged and vibrant, bright and cold as comet fire. It sleeted through the stones and crackled off sharp edges like static elect...
Full-bearded and point-hatted, clutching ornamental scrolls or holding mysterious symbolic bits of astrological equipment, they stared down with ferocious self-importance or, possibly, chronic constipation. “From these walls,” said Carding, “two hundred supreme mages look down upon you. ” “I don’t care for them,” said ...
Legend said that one day the city would have a king again, and went on with various comments about magic swords, strawberry birthmarks and all the other things that legends gabble on about in these circumstances. In fact the only real qualification now was the ability to stay alive for more than about five minutes afte...
“That’s because they think it’s lucky to have a wizard on the boat,” said Rincewind. “It isn’t, of course. ” “Lots of people believe it,” she said. “Oh, it’s lucky for other people, just not for me. I can’t swim. ” “What, not a stroke?” Rincewind hesitated, and twiddled the star on his hat cautiously. “About how deep i...
Rincewind watched in horror as the captain went down under a press of dark shapes, screaming, “Green fire! Green fire!” Rincewind backed away. He wasn’t any good at magic, but he’d had a hundred percent success at staying alive up to now and didn’t want to spoil the record. All he needed to do was to learn how to swim ...
“Stand aside, oaf,” said the wizard, three words which in the opinion of Ardrothy gave him the ongoing life expectancy of a glass cymbal. “I hates wizards,” said Koble. “I really hates wizards. So I am going to hit you, all right?” He brought his fist back and let fly. The wizard raised an eyebrow, yellow fire sprang u...
“Just couldn’t seem, um, to get it right. I had to sew every sequin on by hand. ” He picked up the hatbox. Carding coughed into his drink. “Don’t put it away just yet,” he said, and took it out of the bursar’s hands. “I’ve always wanted to try this—” He turned to the big mirror on the bursar’s wall and reverently lower...
“No,” he said eventually, and when he spoke next his voice had that wide, echoing quality that, if you are not a wizard, you can only achieve with a lot of very expensive audio equipment. “There will be a ceremony. There must be a ceremony, people must understand that wizards are ruling, but it will not be here. I will...
Telling himself that he really shouldn’t, tensing himself for a hurried dash, Spelter peered inside. Rincewind stared. “What is it?” he whispered. “I think it’s a temple of some sort,” said Conina. Rincewind stood and gazed upwards, the crowds of Al Khali bouncing off and around him in a kind of human Brownian motion. ...
It wasn’t that he was entirely unused to the company of women, but it always seemed to cause trouble and, of course, it was a well known fact that it was bad for the magical abilities, although he had to admit that his particular magical abilities, being approximately those of a rubber hammer, were shaky enough to star...
He went through the Archchancellor’s garden, followed by a gaggle of wizards in the same way that a comet is followed by its tail, and didn’t stop until he reached the banks of the Ankh. There were some hoary old willows here, and the river flowed, or at any rate moved, in a horseshoe bend around a small newthaunted me...
” “Look, you’ve got to get out! He’s going to burn the Library!” There was no reply. Spelter let himself sag to his knees. “He’ll do it, too,” he whispered. “He’ll probably make me do it, it’s that staff, um, it knows everything that’s going on, it knows that I know about it…please help me…” “Oook?” “The other night, I...
The pavilion ahead of them was an ornate onion-shaped dome, studded with precious stones and supported on four pillars. Its interior was a mass of cushions on which lay a rather fat, middle-aged man surrounded by three young women. He wore a purple robe interwoven with gold thread; they, as far as Rincewind could see, ...
” “It also told us that you would shortly be arriving,” said the vizier, bowing slightly at Rincewind, “and therefore I—that is to say, the Seriph felt that you might be able to tell us more about this wonderful artifact?” There is a tone of voice known as interrogative, and the vizier was using it; a slight edge to hi...
“I warn you,” said Rincewind, between clenched teeth, “I have this magical box on legs which is absolutely merciless with attackers, one word from me and—” “I’m impressed,” said Abrim. “Is it invisible?” Rincewind risked a look behind him. “I’m sure I had it when I came in,” he said, and sagged. It would be mistaken to...
This drink, made from cacti sap and scorpion venom, is one of the most virulent alcoholic beverages in the universe, but the desert nomads don’t drink it for its intoxicating effects. They use it because they need something to mitigate the effect of Klatchian coffee. Not because you could use the coffee to waterproof r...
Rincewind had already staggered off down the tunnel, making little shocked noise and completely ignoring the stones that were missing him by inches and, in some cases, hitting him by kilograms. If he had been in any state to notice it, he would have known what was happening. The air had a greasy feel and smelled like b...
“You’ve lost me there…” “Good grief, it’s perfectly simple to understand!” “…not sure I quite catch your drift…” murmured Rincewind, his face ghastly with sweat. “You can just stop being a wizard. ” Rincewind’s lips moved soundlessly as he replayed every word, one at a time, then all at once. “What?” he said, and then ...
“Now, has everyone got their matches as instructed? Magical fire won’t work, not on these books, so I want everyone to—” “Something moved up there,” said the smallest wizard. Sconner blinked. “What?” “Something moved up by the dome,” said the wizard, adding by way of explanation, “I saw it. ” Sconner squinted upwards i...
” He took the book from Rincewind and riffled through the pages until he found what he was looking for, and continued, “Yes, or ‘the chill winds of fate will blow through your bleached skeletons/the legions of Hell will drown your living soul in acid. ’ There. How d’you like them…excuse me a moment…apples?” There was a...
It’s a sort of quest. ” Nijel’s eyes gleamed. “You mean a geas?” he said. “Pardon?” “It’s in the book. To be a proper hero it says you’ve got to labor under a geas. ” Rincewind’s forehead wrinkled. “Is it a sort of bird?” “I think it’s more a sort of obligation, or something,” said Nijel, but without much certainty. “S...
“It says here you need black pepper and sea salt, but—” “You’re supposed to fight the bloody things, not eat them,” said Conina. “ This is a mind I can use ,” said the hat. “ Now I can fight back. I shall rally wizardry. There is room for only one magic in this world, and I embody it. Sourcery beware! ” “Oh, no,” said ...
Even Rincewind, whose few talents included a gift for languages, didn’t recognize it, but it sounded like the kind of language designed specifically for muttering, the words curling out like scythes at ankle height, dark and red and merciless. They made complicated swirls in the air, and then drifted gently toward the ...
And then the only thing that beats stronger magic is even stronger magic. And next thing you know…” “Phooey?” suggested Nijel. “It happened before,” said Rincewind. “Went on for thousands of years until not a—” “Do you know what’s odd about that heap of stone?” said Conina. Rincewind glanced at it. He screwed up his ey...
It was followed by a few heavy clonks somewhere inside the wall, and Offler the Crocodile God grated ponderously aside. There was a tunnel behind him. “My grandfather had this built for our more interesting treasure,” said Creosote. “He was very”—he groped for a word—“ingenious. ” “If you think I’m setting foot in ther...
They were extremely complicated dragons, with long beards, ears and wings, and they seemed to be frozen in motion, caught in transition from one state to another, suggesting that the loom which wove them had rather more dimensions than the usual three, but the worst thing about it was that if you looked at it long enou...
” Rincewind turned and looked at the tower behind them. It had grown quite a lot in the last minute, blossoming at the top into a complexity of turrets and battlements. A swarm of tiles was hovering over it, individual tiles swooping down and clinking into place like ceramic bees on a bombing run. It was impossibly hig...
” They watched the toiling figure of Rincewind for a while, and then Conina said, “If it comes to that, I think I lack a certain something when it comes to hairdressing. ” They both stared fixedly at the sleepwalker, busy with their own thoughts and red with mutual embarrassment. Creosote cleared his throat. “If it mak...
It doesn’t matter if the door is a tent flap, a scrap of hide on a windblown yurt, three inches of solid oak with great iron nails in it or a rectangle of chipboard with mahogany veneer, a small light over it made of horrible bits of colored glass and a bell-push that plays a choice of twenty popular melodies that no m...
And, although the sun was sitting on the horizon like half a breakfast grapefruit, there was hardly anyone around. Normally Ankh was permanently crowded, the actual shade of the sky being a mere background detail. Smoke drifted over the city in long greasy coils from the crown of boiling air above the University. It wa...
“I shall smash the lamp,” she said quietly. The genie flashed her a smile and spoke hastily into the thing he was cradling between his chin and his shoulder. “Fine,” he said. “Great. It’s a slice, believe me. Have your people call my people. Stay beyond, okay? Bye. ” He lowered the instrument. “Bastard,” he said vaguel...
” “What I don’t understand,” said Nijel, “is, if we’re all in the lamp I’m holding, then the me in the lamp is holding a smaller lamp and in that lamp—” The genie waved his hands urgently. “Don’t talk about it!” he commanded. “Please!” Nijel’s honest brow wrinkled. “Yes, but,” he said, “is there a lot of me, or what?” ...
If you think I’ve. You’ve got another thought. Listen, it’s. If you think. ” His voice stuttered into silence. Then he shrugged. “All right. But when you get down to it, what can I actually do?” The Librarian replied with an expansive gesture that indicated, as clearly as if he had said “oook,” that Rincewind was a wiz...
In the big room at the very tip, where the air was thick and greasy and tasted of burning tin, many wizards had passed out with the sheer mental effort of the battle. But enough remained. They sat in a wide circle, locked in concentration. It was just possible to see the shimmering in the air as the raw sourcery swirle...
What did he mean, them ?” There was an outbreak of coughing and a considerable inspection of fingernails. “What did he mean?” Coin demanded. Ovin Hakardly, lecturer in Lore, once again found that the wizards around him were parting like morning mist. Without moving he appeared to have stepped forward. His eyes swivelle...
What a Morpork citizen liked to have on his side in a fight was odds of about twenty to one, but failing that a sockful of half-brick and a dark alley to lurk in was generally considered a better bet than any two magic swords you cared to name. He sat down again. “Up,” he commanded. The carpet did not respond. Rincewin...
Rincewind pushed the stunned boy behind him, threw away the ravaged sock and whipped his hat off, flailing wildly as the staff bored toward him. It caught him on the side of the head, delivering a shock that almost welded his teeth together and toppled him like a thin and ragged tree. The staff turned again in mid-air,...
Got an appointment. ” “ The —” Pestilence gazed reflectively into his drink. “ Thingy. ” They stared gloomily at the bar counter. The innkeeper had long ago fled. There were several bottles still unopened. “Okra,” said Famine, eventually. “That was it. ” “ Nah. ” “The Apos…the Apostrophe,” said War, vaguely. They shook...
Now it crept up to his cerebellum, tapped it on the shoulder, thrust a message into its hand and ran for it. The message ran something like this: I hope I find me well. The last trial of magic has been too much for the tortured fabric of reality. It has opened a hole. I am in the Dungeon Dimensions. And the things in f...
According to inevitability of history and triumph of thermodynamics. ” “Yes, but you don’t have to,” said Nijel. “Ve vant to,” said the giant. “The gods are gone, ve throw off shackles of outmoded superstition. ” “Freezing the whole world solid doesn’t sound very progressive to me,” said Nijel. “ Ve like it. ” “Yes, ye...
“You know, perhaps I could do something about all this?” he said in a voice tilting on the edge of terror. “Do you think that would be a good idea? I mean, I could help people. I’m sure you’d like to be human again, wouldn’t you?” The Librarian’s everlasting smile hoisted itself a little further up his face, just enoug...
* It was Conina who insisted that they look for Rincewind at the University, and who, therefore, first saw the books. They were flying out of the Tower of Art, spiraling around the University buildings and swooping through the door of the reincarnated Library. One or two of the more impudent grimoires were chasing spar...
The Librarian looked at his charges approvingly, made his last rounds of the slumbering shelves, and then dragged his blanket underneath his desk, ate a goodnight banana, and fell asleep. Silence gradually reclaimed the Library. Silence drifted around the remains of a hat, heavily battered and frayed and charred around...
* Wizards’ tastes in the matter of puns are about the same as their taste in glittery objects. * Of course, Ankh-Morpork’s citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure in any case. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed. * No one ever had the...
Some of the really energetic ones can’t simply be chained to the bookshelves; they have to be nailed shut or kept between steel plates. Or, in the case of the volumes on tantric sex magic for the serious connoisseur, kept under very cold water to stop them from bursting into flames and scorching their severely plain co...
He looked as though if he wrote a diet book, it would be a bestseller. Death was watching the octogram with an expression of polite interest. “Er,” said the Bursar. “The fact is, in fact, that, er, you should be on the inside. ” I’M SO SORRY. Death stalked in a dignified way into the center of the room and watched the ...
“I don’t know who you are or what’s happening, but I’m going to have a drink, all right?” He went to walk out of the circle, and went rigid with shock as sparks crackled up from the runic inscriptions and earthed themselves all over his body. “Thou mays’nt—thou maysn’t—thou mays’n’t—” The conjurer of demons gave up. “L...
This might seem odd, because if there is one thing a wizard would trade his grandmother for, it is power. But it wasn’t all that strange, because any wizard bright enough to survive for five minutes was also bright enough to realize that if there was any power in demonology, then it lay with the demons. Using it for yo...

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