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401,586 | 7,743,887 | 516,857 | 9 | Steed Does Some Spade Work ! | Millionaire art collector Farrer ( Richard Hurndall ) informs his servant Zoltan ( John Hollis ) that men will soon will be coming to kill him . Handing over a priceless Oriental dagger , he tells him to take it to John Steed . Then he shuts himself in a glass coffin , his ' Last Will & Testament ' laid on his chest . Steed accepts the dagger not realising his life is in now great danger . It is none other than the legendary Falcon . Anyone who comes into possession of it dies . Fortune-hunters begin killing one another , each determined to have the Falcon . It is sought after because it contains the key to the whereabouts of the world's biggest black pearl . Steed and Tara must stay alive long enough to find out where it is . . . A homage to Dashiell Hammett's ' The Maltese Falcon ' which neatly manages to borrow its plot . The character played by the late Stratford Johhs is obviously based on Sidney Greenstreet's ' Kasper Gutman ' from John Huston's classic 1941 movie , while the late Ronald Lacey does a neat impersonation of Peter Lorre's ' Joel Cairo ' from the same film . Other familiar faces on view include swarthy Tutte Lemkow ( remember him as the cossack who drank poison intended for ' Inspector Clouseau ' in ' A Shot In The Dark ' ? ) , sinister Peter Swanwick ( ' The Supervisor ' from ' The Prisoner ' series ) , Ferdy Mayne ( the vampire Count in Roman Polanski's ' Dance Of The Vampires ' ( 1967 ) , and Richard Hurndall ( the gay antique dealer in the ' Steptoe & Son ' episode ' Any Old Iron ? ) . It is as you would expect tremendous fun , with the cast seeming to have a whale of a time spoofing film noir clichés . Writer Terry Nation must have been a classic movie buff , another of his ' Avengers ' episodes was ' Noon Doomsday ' and it meted out similar treatment to ' High Noon ' . |
401,584 | 7,743,887 | 516,860 | 9 | The Computerised Casanova ! | Another great ' Avengers ' episode by Jeremy Burnham . There is a major security leak at The Ministry . Sir Rodney Kellogg , in charge of Missile Coordination , is passing secrets to . . . er , his cleaning woman . Why ? Because he loves her . He is hopelessly infatuated with Martha and will betray his country for her even though she rivals Nora Batty of ' Last Of The Summer Wine ' in the looks stakes . So what is going on ? When Tara is attacked ( yet again ! ) in her flat , a major clue is found - a ring bearing the inscription : Casanova Ink . It is the name of a publisher that specialises in romantic fiction , particularly that of Rosemary Z . Glade . Steed pops along to their offices where he meets Thelma ( Patsy Rowlands ) . Glade does not actually exist . Thelma writes the books with the help of a piano-shaped computer , programmed with every romantic fiction cliché imaginable . . . What's to say about this ? Its wonderfully daft , and has some great jokes at the expense of slushy Mills & Boon-style fiction . That suave cad Terence Alexander is the main villain , with dear Patsy Rowlands on hand , and Veronica Strong is particularly good as the chain-smoking cleaning woman able in seconds to transform herself into a picture of loveliness . Peter Stephens is seen briefly ; he was the ' Chairman of The Board Of Governors ' of St . Swithins hospital in both ' Doctor At Large ' and ' Doctor In Charge ' . The villains have impregnated the Glade books with microdots that send out subliminal messages such as : ' You Will Fall In Love With The Next Person You See ' . Tara falls for this herself at one point and Steed has to rescue her when she tries to jump out of a window . Directed by Peter Sykes , who also made the delicious Frankie Howerd comedy ' The House In Nightmare Park ' . |
401,084 | 7,743,887 | 884,411 | 9 | Keep Your Sunny Side Up ! | Following the failure of ' The Magnificent Evans ' in 1984 , Ronnie Barker did one more season of ' Open All Hours ' , before writing his next sitcom himself ( under the pen name ' Bob Ferris ' , also the name of the Rodney Bewes character in ' The Likely Lads ' ) . Set in 1937 , ' Clarence ' was inspired by an episode of ' Six Dates With Barker ' , broadcast on I . T . V . on / 71 . Barker played ' Fred ' , a myopic removals man hired to carry out his business while the owner , the snobbish Mrs . Vaile , is away watching the Coronation procession . Of course everything he touches falls to bits . Mrs . Vaile's maid , Jane Travers , takes a shine to him however . This opener is a virtual remake of ' The Removals Person ' , though Ronnie altered the name of his character , added new lines and slapstick . Josephine Tewson reprised her role as the mousy ' Jane ' . This marvellous actress was a perfect foil for Ronnie , not just in this but in other shows such as ' Hark At Barker ' and ' His Lordship Entertains ' . Critics at the time were unimpressed , many predictably likened ' Clarence ' to the American cartoon character ' Mister Magoo ' . But there was more to the show than just slapstick . At its heart was a touching love story . Midway through its run , Ronnie announced his retirement from show business . Critics who had blasted ' Clarence ' suddenly changed their stance , thinking their earlier comments had upset Ronnie . There was another more important reason though ; he was in ill-health . Barring occasional guest spots on chat-shows and retro specials , this was indeed Ronnie's last comedy work . It was not a bad farewell either , if not quite up to the standard of ' Porridge ' and ' Open All Hours ' . Funniest moment - Clarence picking up Angela , Mrs . Vaile's horrid daughter , thinking her to be a standard lamp ! |
401,121 | 7,743,887 | 763,398 | 9 | Click . . . click . . . click . . . | Enraged by a letter in a magazine alleging that junior doctors are under worked and overpaid , Paul decides to prove the opposite . He persuades Loftus to initiate a time and motion study . The doctors are made to wear pedometers in their shoes ( devices designed to record the distances they walk ) . Paul also writes to newspapers and medical journals backing up his argument , but unwisely entrusts the posting of said letters to Dick and Duncan . As Paul has been bragging about moving to America , his friends decide to play a joke on him - they send the letters to the wrong publications , hence a letter intended for the ' Old Codgers ' page in ' The Daily Mirror ' winds up in ' The Lancet ' . Paul is hauled up before the Board Of Govenors of St . Swithins to explain ' his ' actions . . . No guest-stars in this Garden / Oddie penned episode . It resembles an episode of ' The Goodies ' in that it too features one of the team going mad on some new idea . The bewildered looks of the patients as the doctors stride along the corridors making clicking noises with their feet is hysterical ! With N . H . S . doctors complaining recently about poor working conditions and low wages , its interesting to see that these concerns existed in 1972 ! Funniest moment - an old man in a dressing gown giving the doctors a V-sign as they click past him ! |
401,675 | 7,743,887 | 60,581 | 9 | The Switched-On Thriller ! | When producer Charles K . Feldman was asked why his 1967 film ' Casino Royale ' deviated so much from the source material , he replied that the Eon movies had already swiped most of it . He could have said instead that Jack Smight's ' Kaleidoscope ' , released the year before , was an even more blatant steal of Fleming's first book . Warren Beatty plays ' Barney Lincoln ' , an American playboy who devises the perfect ' get rich quick ' plan . Breaking into the Kaleidoscope playing card factory , he carefully marks the printing plates . The doctored cards head for Europe's top casinos . With the beautiful Angel McGinnis in tow , Lincoln is able to break the banks , and amasses a considerable fortune . But his unlawful activities bring him to the attention of New Scotland Yard . Inspector McGinnis ( Angel's father ) wants him to bankrupt the sinister head of a narcotics ring called Harry Dominion . The means ? A game of poker . Facing a lengthy jail sentence , Barney reluctantly agrees . As can be gleaned from the above outline , Robert and Jane Carrington's script is a more faithful version of Fleming's book than the 1967 all-star spoof . The late Eric Porter gleefully hams it up as ' Dominion ' , a villain straight out of Bond , particularly as he has a Napoleonic complex . There's a tense scene as he teases his men with the news that there is a traitor in their midst . Taking one of them to a cellar , he retreats as the unfortunate man is incinerated with a flame-thrower . Beatty has never been one of my favourite actors ( and no , I'm not just jealous of his legendary sexual conquests ) , but the role of ' Barney ' at least allows him to be funny and charming in a Cary Grant sort of way . As sexy boutique owner ' Angel ' , Susannah York makes the most of what probably was on paper a stock ' love interest ' character . For me the real star is Clive Revill as the steam engine-loving police officer McGinnis . an ' Avengers ' style eccentric to be sure . Murray Melvin is also good as sharp shooting ' Aimes ' . The fine supporting cast includes the late George Sewell , Yootha Joyce , Peter Blythe , and John Junkin . Jane ' Blow-Up ' Birkin puts in a ' blink and you'll miss it ' appearance . ' Kaleidoscope ' was one of those American-funded ( Winkast Productions also made Alistair Maclean adaptations such as ' When Eight Bells Toll ' ) pictures which exploited the Swinging London phenomenon of the time . Maurice Binder's title sequence offers a picture postcard view of the capital seen through the afore-mentioned novelty toy . Fortunately , arch scenes like the one in which Barney romances Angel in a field at night while she is perched on a cow are few and far between . Stanley Myers ' chirpy music keeps the proceedings nicely afloat , with a sitar accompanying psychedelic scene breaks of the sort later parodied by Austin Powers . The director , Jack Smight , later made the cult film of Ray Bradbury's ' The Illustrated Man ' . Unlike ' Casino Royale ' , there's no big torture scene here , although Barney gets his legs hit with a poker at one stage . Though not a spy film per se , this owes enough to the Bond series to make it required viewing for genre fans . |
401,273 | 7,743,887 | 96,624 | 9 | We Could Laugh Then , We Can Only Cry Now | With its wall-to-wall soaps , crass quiz shows , tacky news coverage and brainless reality series , the launching of Rupert Murdoch's ' Sky T . V . ' in 1988 led some commentators to gloomily predict the beginning of the end for British television . ' K . Y . T . V . ' was a retaliatory strike against this new threat ; by ridiculing Sky's output it hoped to stave off the tidal wave of ' dumbed down ' dross . The first edition featured the striptease game ' Gettem Off ! ' and a pop show hosted by Ernie Wise and Eddie ' The Eagle ' Edwards . A World War Two tribute had presenters who clearly had no idea what they were talking about , and reconstructions of famous wartime events done with shop window dummies . The series grew out of the Radio 4 comedy ' Radio Active ' with the same cast reprising their roles . Funny though it was it failed to have the intended impact . Terrestrial television eventually decided ' if you can't beat ' em , join ' em ' . ' K . Y . T . V ' . was British television's last scream of despair . Before the lunatics took over the asylum . . . |
401,309 | 7,743,887 | 123,349 | 9 | That's the first rule of comedy . You've got to have reality ! | I very nearly did not see ' Hi-De-Hi ! ' . I think it must have been the title that put me off . In those days , the Welsh language editions of ' The Radio Times ' only used to print titles of certain shows without imparting a scrap of information as to what they were actually about . ' Hi-De-Hi ! ' suggested to me a bad quiz show hosted by Leslie Crowther or worse an inane U . S . import . But I managed to catch a later episode , and was surprised to find it written by Jimmy Perry and David Croft . As was the case with ' Dad's Army ' and ' It Ain't Half Hot Mum ' , Perry based it on personal experiences , in this case his time at a Butlins ' holiday camp . Before cheap air travel came along in the ' 60's , these camps sprang up along British coastlines , providing entertainment for working class families and earning millions for their owners . ( As a matter of interest , I worked in one such camp in the ' 80's as a chef - Barry Island , South Wales - known to all and sundry as ' Shag Land ' for reasons I won't go into ! ) Set in the late ' 50's , it began with university academic Jeffrey Fairbrother ( Simon Cadell ) taking over as the entertainments manager of Maplin's , a job he was ill equipped to handle . His staff included resident comic Ted Bovis ( Paul Shane ) , his sidekick Spike ( Jeffrey Holland ) , miserable Punch and Judy man Mr . Partridge ( Leslie Dwyer ) , snobby ballroom dancers Barry ( Barry Howard ) and Yvonne Stuart-Hargreaves ) Diane Holland ) , and the unforgettable Gladys Pugh ( Ruth Madoc ) , who lusted after Fairbrother at every opportunity . Bubbly Su Pollard stole the show though as cleaner Peggy Ollerenshaw , whose driving ambition was to be a ' Yellowcoat ' ( all the important staff members wore them ) . A number of sexy girls occupied these coats too , most notably Nikki Kelly's ' Sylvia ' and statuesque Rikki Howard's ' Betty ' . We never saw Joe Maplin , the owner . He communicated to his staff in the form of ungrammatical missives , which poor Jeffrey was forced to read aloud . " Hi-De-Hi ! " was the campers ' greeting , usually met with the equally inane ' Ho-De-Ho ! . One fan was the late Sir Fred Pontin , who told Perry and Croft that he recognised most of the characters from real life . I always found Bovis the most convincing of these as well as the most tragic , like Archie Rice he was the comedian whose big break never came , reduced to cracking corny gags for the amusement of drunken late-night audiences . He took advantage of his position to indulge in a few perks , and in one memorable episode Fairbrother's patience snapped and he sounded him out : " Lies , Ted ! All lies ! " . As with every other Perry / Croft series , the cast were excellent , particularly Cadell and Shane . Ruth Madoc's prissy ' Gladys ' got on my nerves ( no wonder Anne Robinson hates the Welsh ! ) , but Leslie Dwyer's misanthropic ' Mr . Partridge ' and Felix Bowness ' jockey ' Fred Qulley ' more than compensated . The visual gag everyone remembers is drunken Mr . Partridge spotting a pantomime horse riding a real one along the beach . Looking at the bottle of whiskey in his hand , he decides to stick with it and instead throws away the banana he had been eating ! With its frothy blend of ' 50's nostalgia and saucy gags , ' Hi-De'Hi ' was a big hit for B . B . C . - 1 in the ' 80's , resulting in a massive increase in bookings for Butlins and Pontins . It went downhill when Cadell left to return to the theatre though . I never took to his replacement , Squadron Leader Clive Dempster ( David Griffin ) . Worse , Leslie Dwyer's death robbed the show of one of its best characters . Kenneth Connor was brought in to replace him as ' Uncle Sammy ' . The period setting occasionally caused problems ; in one episode , Sylvia and Betty had to dive into the pool to rescue Peggy who for some reason was dressed as a shark . The revealing costumes they wore were wrong for that era . Still they looked great in them so who's complaining ? In another , Ted sang the Tom Jones hit ' Delilah ' to campers . It was not composed ( by Les Reed and Barry Mason , incidentally ) until 1968 . Maplins closed its doors in 1988 , and the last shot was that of Peggy ( now a Yellowcoat ) all alone in the camp , jumping into the air and shouting ( what else ? ) ' Hi-De-Hi ! ' . I don't rate it as highly as Perry and Croft's other shows but its popularity is undeniable . It was probably one of the last British sitcoms to generate tremendous public affection , mainly because it featured likable characters in a recognisable setting . Goodnight campers ! |
400,721 | 7,743,887 | 76,984 | 9 | A Shining Planet Known as Earth ! | The new ' Battlestar Galactica ' does nothing for me I'm afraid . Warning bells rang when Edward James Olmos told fans not to bother to tune in . I did but switched off in disgust during the pilot ( though I viewed it in full some time later ) when Baltar had sex with a Cylon ! Such ridiculous scenes did not endear it to me in the slightest , and succeeded only in insulting the original . ' B . S . G . ' premiered on U . S . television in 1978 , a year after ' Star Wars ' sent shock waves through the entertainment industry . As was to be expected , it repeated many of the same ingredients - dogfights in space , weird-looking aliens , exotically named planets , beautiful girls , pseudo-mysticism etc . John Dykstra , who was responsible for the S . F . X . on George Lucas ' film , was ' B . S . G . ' s original producer . The cast were mainly unknowns , such as Richard Hatch , Dirk Benedict , Maren Jensen and Laurette Spang , with Lorne Greene of ' Bonanza ' fame taking up the lead as ' Commander Adama ' . The late John Colicos made a suitably slimy villain as Count Baltar . The premise is this ; after years of conflict , the Twelve Colonies are preparing to enter into a peace settlement with their adversary , the robotic Cylons . But it turns out to be a trap ; the Cylons launch an all-out attack on Humanity and , in the ensuing conflict , the Twelve Colonies are totally wiped out . The last surviving battlestar - the Galactica - embarks on a quest to find a mythical thirteenth colony - Earth . American sci-fi shows of the ' 70's always looked good , but ' B . S . G . ' outdid them all . The action was super spectacular . Of course a lot of the dogfights were recycled , but given the pressures the production crew were under , this was to be expected . What matters is that the twenty-four episodes were , by and large , entertaining . My favourite was the two-parter ' The Living Legend ' in which the late Lloyd Bridges played long-lost war hero ' Commander Cain ' whose ' might is right ' views bring him into conflict with the more level-headed Adama . Ex-Avenger Patrick Macnee cropped up as ' Count Iblis ' in another memorable adventure - ' War Of The Gods ' . Despite its massive popularity , the network cancelled the show after one season , replacing it with the noticeably cheaper-looking ' Galactica 1980 ' . Fans gave it the thumbs-down . Here in Britain , we did not get the show until 1982 when the Welsh T . V . channel S4C screened it - and ' Galactica 1980 ' - in one continuous run . No matter how ' better ' the S . F . X . in the impostor may or may not be , only the original rests on my D . V . D . shelf . |
401,041 | 7,743,887 | 69,341 | 9 | Dare You Enter The Crypt ? | As the 1970's got underway , horror movies became increasingly graphic ( and sexually explicit ) as audiences demanded more and more visceral shocks . Even Hammer had to move with the times , albeit half-heartedly . However , Amicus - their only major rival - chose to stay within certain boundaries . ' Tales From The Crypt ' was the fifth in a series of ' multi-storey ' pictures ; the others being ' Dr . Terror's House Of Horrors ' , ' Torture Garden ' , ' The House That Dripped Blood ' , and ' Asylum ' . The first boasted an original screenplay by Milton Subotsky , the second , third and fourth were derived from stories by ' Psycho ' author Robert Bloch . ' Tales ' , however , drew its inspiration from the notorious E . C . Comic of the same name from the 1950's . So gory were these that a media witch-hunt , led by a twisted self-publicist by the name of Dr . Frederic Wertham , got them banned . The comics are now regarded as classics of their kind . I loved horror comics as a boy . The sweet shop near my school used to sell them for the princely sum of ten pence each . If one bought an issue of say D . C . ' s ' Secrets Of Haunted House ' , everyone in the class would want to borrow it before the day was out . The gore content of this and other D . C . titles was tame but at least one story - ' Two Can Play At Treachery ' - gave me a sleepless night . The plots tended to follow the same pattern - a ghastly crime ( usually a murder ) is committed and the perpetrator becomes the victim of a terrible supernatural retribution . In 1982 Stephen King and George A . Romero paid tribute to the genre with the delightful ' Creepshow ' . ' Tales From The Crypt ' begins with five people being shown around some catacombs . Disregarding the advice of the tour guide , they wander off and get hopelessly lost . They find a strange crypt inhabited by a man in a monk's habit . ' The Cryptkeeper ' ( though he does not refer to himself as such ) tells them that it was fate that drew them there . One by one , they are told their futures , and yes , none of them are particularly pleasant , involving a maniac dressed as Santa Claus , a skeletal Hells Angel , a Valentine's Day card containing a dead man's heart , and a sadistic ex-army officer made to walk along a narrow passage lined with razor blades . ' Crypt ' is nowhere near as bloody as it could have been . This was quite intentional . Milton Subotsky and Max J . Rosenberg wanted their horror films to appeal to as to wide an audience as possible . It did not stop the film from becoming a big success at the box office , indeed at one point it was even outselling ' The Godfather ! ' . The Amicus pictures were able to attract some big-name stars , none of your talentless , screaming American teenagers here . ' Tales ' features Joan Collins , Richard ' Robin Hood ' Greene , Nigel Patrick , Ian ' The Avengers ' Hendry , Roy Dotrice , Barbara Murray , Ralph Richardson as ' The Cryptkeeper ' , with dear old Peter Cushing giving a touching performance as ' Arthur Grimsdyke ' . If you like your horror movies scary without being unduly repellent , you should seek this one out . A sequel appeared the following year : ' Vault Of Horror ' , and there was a ludicrous rip-off ( also directed by Freddie Francis ) called ' Tales That Witness Madness ' which really ought to have been called ' Tales That Induce Laughter ' . ' Tales From The Crypt ' is ideal Halloween material . |
401,530 | 7,743,887 | 197,163 | 9 | Jim Didn't Really Fix It . . . It Was Roger ! | One afternoon at school , our history teacher - Mr . Devonauld - was late , so the class filled in time the way kids do normally when left to their own devices - hard studying . Actually , that last bit is not true . The room was full of smutty talk and flying chalk . One girl , though , was oblivious to the chaos . Her name was Karen , and she was writing furiously in her exercise book . When Mr . Devonauld finally showed up , the pandemonium ceased . Karen , however , kept on writing . He asked what she was doing . " I'm writing to ' Jim'll Fix It ' " , she said , seriously . He took the letter , and read it aloud . " Dear Jim , can you please fix it for me to meet Gary Glitter ? I was sad when he retired . Love , Karen . " . Sniggers ran round the class . Yes , Glitter was despised even in those days . Not up to speed on ' 70's British pop culture , he asked Karen who Glitter was . One boy had his answer ready : " He's a poof , sir ! " . The class erupted in laughter . I have recounted this anecdote because I think it illustrates just how popular the ' Jim'll Fix It ' television show once was . Children who wanted to meet somebody famous or get to do something extraordinary like parachute jumping were prepared to write in their millions to a Radio 1 disc jockey . I have always liked Jimmy Saville , despite him being a close friend of Margaret Thatcher . I am prepared to forgive this oversight in the face of all the charity work he has done over the years . ' Jim'll Fix It ' was not his first attempt at Saturday early evening light entertainment . A few years before , he hosted a Simon Dee-type chat show called ( what else ? ) ' Clunk Click ' in which guests included Uri Geller ( the infamous spoon bender ) , Freddie Starr , and Roy Wood of ' Wizzard ' . Gary Glitter also appeared , a fact that seems disturbing today . Actually , Jimmy was not the man who did the ' fixing ' . It was Roger Ordish , the producer . The fix-it's ranged from slapping Eric Morecambe to singing with a Welsh rugby team to appearing in a ' Dr . Who ' sketch with Colin Baker ( ' A Fix With Sontarans ' ) to eating a packed lunch on a roller-coaster to dancing with The Royal Ballet to meeting David Soul and Paul Michael Glaser . Each fix-it would be commemorated with a special badge that said : ' Jim Fixed It For Me ' . One or two viewers moaned in the letters pages of ' The Radio Times ' about the cost of some of these fix-it's , but in actual fact they were not really that expensive . If a boy wanted to go to Egypt , for instance , British Airways would be happy for him to travel free with them because it made good publicity for the company . Esther Rantzen must have liked Jim's show , because her series ' The Big Time ' ( which gave the world Sheena Easton ) was a prime-time imitation . My father badgered me to write to Jim , and I did . Unfortunately , my request to meet Sylvia Kristel , star of the ' Emmanuelle ' soft porn films , was never acknowledged . What can one say about this show ? It had a spectacularly long run , from 1975 to 1990 . A lot of fixing took place in that time . It was harmless Saturday night viewing , and preferable in my view to the singing and dancing crap we have on B . B . C . - 1 now . Last year , U . K . Gold made ' Jim'll Fix It - Now And Then ' ( wrong title . It should have been called ' Jim'll Fix It - Now , Then , Now , Then ) in which we got to see some of the children as they are now . It was nice to see them still in possession of their ' fix-it ' badges after all this time . Should it be revived ? Not without Jim , surely . Knowing of current tastes I suspect the fix-its's would have to be more outrageous , such as becoming President of the United States of America . Hang on , hasn't this already happened ? |
401,381 | 7,743,887 | 69,311 | 9 | Harold's Punctured Romance | ' Cosmo-Bongo ' and his wife must have led very sheltered lives if they found this film ' horribly upsetting ' . Whether you like it or not , for millions of British working class people , this was their way of life ; cobblestones , tin baths , outside toilets and all . ' Steptoe & Son ' , while not a patch on the television series , is nevertheless above average for a ' 70's British film comedy . It centres around Harold's ( doomed ) marriage to vivacious stripper Zita . Naturally the old man doesn't take to her and the conflict between him and his son escalates into full-scale war . Carolyn Seymour is terrific as Zita . The film moves from comedy to tragedy and back again , Corbett and Brambell are on sparkling form , particularly when they debate the future of the baby they've found in their stable . Only the scene near the end where Harold is beaten up by drunken rugby players doesn't work . Favourite bit ? The old man bathing in the kitchen sink . You don't want to know where he puts the dish brush . Very funny and a useful social document of early ' 70's Britain . |
400,760 | 7,743,887 | 344,737 | 9 | Better Than ' Telly Addicts ' | In 1976 , I . T . V . celebrated its twenty-first birthday , and ' Those Wonderful T . V . Times ' was one of several retrospective programmes . It was a daytime game show ( hosted originally by Barry Cryer and Madeline Smith , then Norman Vaughan ) in which two teams of celebrities ( including Mike Reid , Jimmy Logan , Fenella Fielding , Yootha Joyce and Nicholas Parsons ) viewed clips from old shows , and had to answer questions about them , as well as identify programmes by their theme tunes . I used to bunk off school on Fridays so as to catch this ( no V . C . R . ' s then ) . It afforded me an opportunity to see clips from programmes I had not watched in years , such as ' The Prisoner ' ( represented by the chess scene from ' Checkmate ' ) , and the title sequence of ' The Invaders ' . Then there were shows I had only heard about but never seen , such as ' At Last The 1948 Show ' or the Honor Blackman episodes of ' The Avengers ' . This series had a nice , friendly atmosphere , and did not hold the archive programmes up to ridicule , as ' Telly Addicts ' would later do . It really should have been promoted to peak-time . And should have lasted longer than two seasons . |
401,662 | 7,743,887 | 699,338 | 9 | The Big Day | The final episode of the second ' Shelley ' series ended with our hero marrying Fran . Quite a few sitcoms have featured ' wedding ' episodes - ' Father Dear Father ' , ' Man About The House ' , ' Doctor In Charge ' , ' Please Sir ! ' and ' In Loving Memory ' to name but a few . This one is structured unusually in that scenes of Shelley and ' Bunter ' getting ready are inter cut with those showing his final night as a bachelor . Nothing too extraordinary happens - the friends get drunk and philosophically discuss marriage . Mrs . H and Shelley's mother spend the night at Fran's Dad's palatial house in Shropshire . Isobel's liberal attitude to life and free use of language ( describing her son as ' a little sod ' at one point ) clearly embarrass the host . Had the series ended here , this would have made a good conclusion . Our unemployed hero is now in full-time work as an advertising copywriter , has a child on the way , and is married to boot . Fortunately , high ratings kept the show on air for most of the ' 80's and beyond . Good to see minor characters such as nosey ' Miss Radcliffe ' in attendance at the wedding . Not much of Belinda Sinclair though . Top marks for Peter Tilbury for managing to avoid all the clichés prevalent in sitcom weddings - Shelley does not get covered in paint or fall down stairs and the best man does not lose the ring down the toilet . Funniest moment - Fran tells Shelley in church " I love you " and his reply is " This is no time for sentimentality ! " . If I'd said that at my wedding , I'd have spent the honeymoon in Casualty ! |
400,844 | 7,743,887 | 1,030,281 | 9 | Perfect Is Right ! | Channel surfing late one night , I came across this retro show in which celebrities revealed their favourite television programmes and stated their reasons for liking them . A sort of ' Desert Island Discs ' of the airwaves . The idea's not new , of course . In the 90's , Emma Freud did a similar show on B . B . C . - 2 daytime television . But the editions featuring Lenny Henry and the combined team of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost caught my eye . Having endured numerous patronising attempts to belittle archive T . V . ( including the Pegg-narrated ' The Week We Watched ' ) , I was a bit wary at first , but it soon became apparent that ' Perfect Night In ' was not going to be another ' I Love The ' 70's ' . You know the sort of thing - after a brief clip of ' Pennies From Heaven ' , some obscure comedian shouts ' what was all that about ? ' , as though too thick to work it out for himself . Often these shows take the warped view that because a programme has dated , it no longer has any value . Precisely the attitude that led to many classic shows being wiped thirty years ago . Thankfully , ' Perfect Night In ' is the antidote to this mindless approach . I was pleased to see Pegg and Frost choosing ' Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit ' , ' The Box Of Delights ' , ' Morecambe & Wise ' , ' Animal Magic ' , ' Twin Peaks ' , ' Life On Earth ' , ' The Machinegunners ' , ' The Dick Emery Show ' and even ' The Incredible Hulk ' . Yes , they got some humour out of a few , but by and large treated them with respect . Pegg is currently one of Britain's brightest comedy stars , and has referenced numerous old shows and films in his excellent Channel 4 series ' Spaced ' , so knows his stuff . I agree with him about the original ' Dawn Of The Dead ' - its still terrifying after all these years ( and knocks spots off the remake ) . Lenny Henry chose ' Love Thy Neighbour ' - very brave of him considering its near-leper like status nowadays . He said he understood what Vince Powell and Harry Driver were trying to do , namely ridicule racism . Unfortunately , he spoilt his comment by blaming the show for the racist language used by school kids at the time . Actually , Lenny , they were using it before the first episode went out . He also praised Mel Brooks ' brilliant ' Blazing Saddles ' , despite it being chock-full of even more offensive language ! I have not seen the other shows in the series but will do so when they come round again . I wish I could get my very own edition of ' Perfect Night In ' so as to shock the nation by showing ' Curry & Chips ' and the Q6 sketch ' First Irish Rocket To The Moon ' starring Spike Milligan ! |
400,734 | 7,743,887 | 699,341 | 9 | Its time to establish in-law relations ! | Visiting a health shop , Shelley is appalled at the high prices of some of the items . Picking up a potato , he remarks : " What's this been grown in ? Yeti droppings ? " . The moment he and Fran have long dreaded has arrived . Travelling by train , they arrive at the country home / farm of Gordon Smith , Fran's rich Dad . He is a charmless snob who regards Shelley as a layabout even though he now has a job . Smith confides in his future son-in-law that he is stone broke , mortgaged up to the hilt . His farm produce is not selling too well . Remembering the health shop , Jim has an excellent idea . . . Chosen to open the second batch of ' Shelley ' episodes in 1980 ( the first having been interrupted by a ten-week I . T . V . strike ) , this is a good episode , boasting a fine performance from the late Frederick Jaegar as ' Smith ' , the father-in-law from Hell . Though its a little unbelievable that he does not lose his temper when Shelley unleashes his usual insults . Also in the house is Rowena Cooper as ' Mrs . Goddard ' , Smith's housekeeper , who has an annoying habit of never finishing sentences , rather like Ronnie Corbett in a legendary ' Two Ronnies ' skit . Funniest moment - Mr . Smith tells Shelley that when he dies , Fran inherits everything . " You couldn't give us an idea when that will be ? " , asks Shelley . |
400,795 | 7,743,887 | 699,355 | 9 | What does ' thermatological ' mean ? ' The first episode of the second series of ' Shelley ' , though not broadcast as such due to the I . T . V . strike of 1979 . The last three episodes of Season 1 were appended to the beginning of Season 2 , making this in fact the fourth episode transmitted in 1980 . Confused ? Yes , well so am I . Shelley , now in work , looks for somewhere to live with wife-to-be Fran and their impending child . They come across a ramshackle house which they want to buy but cannot as they do not have enough money . A visit to the local Bank leads them nowhere - to get a mortgage you first need an account . Then two astonishing coincidences happen at once . Firstly , Fran finds a publisher for her novel , and secondly , Shelley receives a generous tax rebate from the Inland Revenue . If only real life were so easy , eh ? But they are still short of the necessary readies , until Fran's rich Dad agrees to pay £15 , 000 and Shelley's mum Isobel coughs up a similar sum . Isobel is played by Sylvia Kay , who was Christopher Blake's dimwitted mother in ' Mixed Blessings ' , and Jan Francis ' snooty mater in ' Just Good Friends ' . You can see where Shelley gets his rebellious streak from ; she openly grows marijuana plants in the kitchen . Nicholas Courtney , a . k . a . ' Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart ' from Jon Pertwee's and Tom Baker's ' Dr . Who ' stories , appears as an officious bank manager who reacts as you would expect when Shelley attempts to simultaneously open a bank account and apply for a mortgage . Funniest moment - hearing a knock on the kitchen door , Isobel sees the shape of a policeman through the frosted glass . Panicking , she throws out her marijuana plants . It turns out to be her son . Furious , she calls him ' an evil little b - - - - - d ! . | null |
400,740 | 7,743,887 | 296,321 | 9 | And that's the best joke I know ! | Hardly anyone remembers ' Carrott's Lib ' now , yet in its day this topical sketch show was every bit as funny as ' Not The Nine O'Clock News ' and the much-later ' Spitting Image ' . It went out late on Saturdays , and became a kind of ' alternative comedy ' successor to the ground-breaking ' T . W . 3 ' . There was plenty going on in the world then to get the comedic juices flowing ; Reagan , Thatcher , Brezhnev , The Falklands War , three million unemployed , Arthur Scargill etc . ' Red Dwarf ' creators Doug Naylor and Rob Grant were among the many writers . Linking the sketches was Jasper himself , guitar at the ready as though waiting for a song cue that never came , gleefully putting the boot into all and sundry . He got himself in hot water early on with a joke about deaf people . Responding to the criticism , Jasper said : " What I want to know is ' who told them ' ? " . Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer's surreal ' Dave : The Cardboard Box ' was a regular item in Series 1 . One very funny sketch was ' Perversion Street ' which linked a number of well-publicised scandals involving the ' Coronation Street ' cast . Chris Barrie was hysterical as ' Vera Duckworth ' ! But the show's biggest target were ' Sun ' readers , depicted as stupid and breast-fixated . In the final show of Series 1 , a gang of ' Sun ' readers in balaclavas took over B . B . C . T . V . Centre , demanding more bare bosoms on the box ! Judging from some of the shows on now , I think they must have succeeded ! |
401,046 | 7,743,887 | 1,125,666 | 9 | I think you're an infiltrator from I . T . V ! | ' Q5 ' ended in May 1969 . Five months later , ' Monty Python's Flying Circus ' debuted on B . B . C . - 1 . Spike Milligan must have watched with dismay as this imitator brazenly stole his thunder ( to be fair , the Pythons openly acknowledged their debt to the earlier show ) . In 1975 , with the team having moved onto films , Spike felt the time was right to do another ' Q ' . Reunited with producer Ian McNaughton , he once again came up with surreal comedy both brilliant and banal . Neil Shand is credited as co-writer , but its hard to ascertain his contribution , seeing as how much of the show feels improvised ( perhaps he was responsible for the filmed material ) . In ' The Groping Doctor Sketch ' , Spike plays a frustrated television director trying to make something out of a weak bit of material , and asks a member of the studio audience ( John Bluthal ) to help out . The result - chaos . The stranger turns up for the scene wearing ' comedy ' clothes such as a spinning bow tie . Julia Breck ( what a gal ! ) keeps coming on set dressed as a nurse ( her costume disappearing one bit at a time ) and uttering the line : " Physician feel thyself ! " in a manner reminiscent of Sheila Steafel . British film star Jack Watling ( whose credits include ' The Wooden Horse ' with Anthony Steel ) appears in a send-up of ' Colditz ' ; he along with the rest of the cast are imprisoned in the B . B . C . T . V . Centre and want to escape , which they do disguised as the casts of various series such as ' Coronation Street ' and ' Upstairs , Downstairs ' ( did no-one tell Spike that these were I . T . V . shows ? ) . Over footage of V . E . Day the theme from ' Crossroads ' is played . The Lone Ranger and Tonto square up to Marshal Matt Dillon of ' Gunsmoke ' on a golf course ( " me and my successful T . V . series are telling you and your even more successful T . V . series to get your balls off my green ! " ) . A commercial for Honson & Bodges cigarettes has Spike in a hospital bed , extolling the virtues of the brand on the grounds that he now has five days left to live , instead of merely four ! We see the contenders for the title of ' The Smallest Police Station In The World ' , Spike does a Marlene Dietrich impersonation ( and collapses in giggles half way through ) , the Governor of the Bank Of England throws himself out of a window wearing a Donald Duck mask , a yokel directs traffic using a false arm , and the picture of the Queen on a pound note comes to life ( its Jeanette Charles again , folks ! ) . All in a day's work for Milligan . The musical item is ' Mr . Skillicorn Dances ' , performed by Doggerel Bank . I could not work out whether this was bad poetry set to good music or good poetry set to bad music . Like I said , there's some brilliant stuff here and a fair amount of rubbish ( just like ' Python ' ) . If you get a chance to see ' Q6 ' then do so . It will never get a legitimate D . V . D . release in this country due to the presence of disgraced comedy star Chris Langham . Funniest moment - dressed as a policeman , Spike reads the parable of ' The Good Samaritan ' from a pulpit : " And they beateth out of him the crap . . . he put oil and vinegar on the victim's wounds , and he screameth saying : " Hast thou never heard of Elastoplast ! " . Great stuff ! |
401,538 | 7,743,887 | 1,162,605 | 9 | Locked Out ! | Mrs . Hollingbery is convinced Alf wants to molest her , so she locks him in his bedroom while he sleeps . The next morning , he wakes and finds he cannot go to the toilet . In desperation , he climbs out of the window and tries to do it in the garden . Various passers-by keep him from answering the call of nature . Mr . Johnson is concerned about Alf's state of mind and calls Rita in Liverpool . By the time she arrives he has gotten revenge on the landlady by trapping her in her upstairs flat . When the milkman turns up with a wad of money ( Else had won it by backing a horse called ' Chauvinist Pig ' ) , Alf is elated . To celebrate he takes his daughter , Marigold , Arthur and his Irish cousin to the pub . But Rita has invited Mrs . Hollingbery along too . . . A cracking episode of ' And In Health ' , even if Alf and Mrs . Hollingbery do behave more like Laurel & Hardy than Alf and Else ever did . Interesting to hear the shopkeeper ( Renu Setna ) address Marigold by his nickname , as until now only Alf had done so . The scene in the shop is wonderful , especially when Alf loses his rag on hearing the shopkeeper tell him Else owed money before she died . The presence of Una Stubbs is somewhat superfluous . With Dandy Nichols gone , I suppose it was inevitable we would get more Rita ( is it me or is Una prettier here than in ' Till Death Us Do Part ' ? Must be that different hairstyle ) . Funniest moment - Alf in his garden in his underwear , about to have a tinkle , only to find a neighbour staring at him over the wall ! |
400,846 | 7,743,887 | 956,739 | 9 | Dennis In The Dock ! | Left to his own devices one evening in the pub , Dennis falls in with a group of leather-jacketed hoodlums . After plying him with drink , they rob a chocolate machine . The police show up ( how efficient the boys in blue were back in 1971 ! ) , and arrest them . Poor Dennis goes up before the local Magistrate . But help comes from an unexpected source . Two of his former teachers , Mr . Price and Mr . Smith , are there , and Smithy's impassioned plea for clemency bores the beak so much he lets Dennis off with a small fine . . . There was two-way traffic between ' Please Sir ! ' ' s last season and ' The Fenn Street Gang''s first , with characters cropping up in both shows . While the former was struggling to cope without ' Hedges ' and ' 5C ' , the latter was coasting along nicely - mind you , most of its cast was from ' Please Sir ! ' , so this was not surprising . ' Price ' had previously worked his Celtic magic in ' Should Auld Acquaintance ' . ' Smithy ' alas was confined to this Tony Bilbow-scripted episode . Regrettably , ' Potter ' , ' Miss Ewell ' and ' Cromwell ' did not appear in the show . Chocolates machines ( along with cigarette machines ) were a common sight on Britain's streets in the ' 60's and ' 70's . They were abolished because people kept on robbing them ! A good episode , although Peter Bayliss seems a bit wasted here . David Janson , who plays one of the thugs , would go on to star in Esmonde and Larbey's ' Get Some In ! ' . The beak is Geoffrey Bayldon , who played ' Catweazle ' in the hit children's show for L . W . T . Funniest moment - Smithy's outraged face as the beak refers to him as a ' teddy boy ' ! |
400,864 | 7,743,887 | 956,741 | 9 | He must have walked out on himself ! | Dennis has settled into his new flat , where he spends his spare time making model aeroplanes . One evening he receives an unexpected visitor - his father . Drunken Mr . Dunstable is on his own again , his wife having left him . With no money coming in , he is forced to take a job , that of ' tally man ' , or debt collector . One of the people on his list is Frankie Abbott's mother . He turns up at her home dressed as a Teddy Boy . They hit it off immediately , and arrange to go out on a date . . . A fun episode by Rowley and Baker , concentrating mainly on Peter Bayliss and Barbara Mitchell's characters . The former is wonderful as a kind of prototype ' Rab C . Nesbitt ' , while the latter - though attractive , is clearly insane - seems to have suffered every illness known to Man , including a few that Man has never heard of . Its an unlikely pairing to say the least ; in the ' Please Sir ! ' episode ' Panalal Passes By ' , she had been established as a dreadful snob , so what she sees in Dennis ' Dad we can only guess at . Some nice interaction between Dennis and Frankie here too , a pity we did not see more of it in the show . Funniest moment - when Mrs . Abbott calls on Mr . Dunstable , he hurriedly hides the pan he had earlier been washing his feet in . Alas , she steps in it . " For the goldfish ! " , he explains . " But its empty ! " , she points out . He replies : " The little sod must have escaped ! " . |
401,126 | 7,743,887 | 956,744 | 9 | A lot of villains are having a tickle ! | Duffy , Craven and Dennis are doing a decorating job for the London gangster Mr . Bowler . His trendy flat comes equipped with all the latest gadgets and labour saving devices , as well as blue movies on tap and lampshades bearing topless photos of his wife . Sacked from Luigi's restaurant , Frankie becomes a security guard at the boutique where Sharon works . Left to his own devices , he stupidly assists two men he believes to be suppliers . They are thieves , and make off with the shop's entire stock of expensive dresses . Concerned for her job , Sharon turns to Duffy . He and the others ( minus Frankie ) set about stealing the garments back . Unfortunately for them , the culprit is none other than Mr . Bowler . . . The final episode of the first series of ' The Fenn Street Gang ' introduces the character of ' Bowler ' , a small-time Cockney crook who fancies himself as an upper class toff . Played by George Baker , ' Bowler ' would return in Season 2 and went on to star in his own short-lived spin-off . This would be the last time Leon Vitali played ' Craven ' as Malcolm McFee returned for Season 2 . Louis Mansi , seen as ' Luigi ' , also returned , but as a different character - ' Guilio ' , boyfriend of Sharon's mum . The actor is best known for his role as ' von Smallhausen ' in ' Allo , Allo ' . While its true that this show - taken as a whole unit - came nowhere near the quality of ' Please Sir ! ' ' s first three seasons , I defy anyone to claim it was inferior to the fourth . Indeed the Gang was lured back to the school for one episode - ' Old Fennians ' Day ' - in a desperate bid to salvage the foundering parent show . Funniest moment - the Gang are passing dresses from Bowler's flat to Duffy's van by sliding them along a wire . An elderly couple - Molly Weir and Ken Parry - are on their way home from a spiritualists ' meeting when they see the garments floating about in mid-air and assume that they are ghosts ! |
401,066 | 7,743,887 | 956,746 | 9 | You're In The Army Now ! | Sacked from Archie's detective agency on account of the quality of his work ( ie . never having done any ) , Frankie decides to enlist in the military . His mother is horrified to learn that ' her little soldier ' intends on becoming just that . Seeing himself as the new Lee Marvin , Frankie reports to barracks , and starts throwing his weight about . Unfortunately , his cockiness soon vanishes when he meets the sadistic Corporal Elliott . . . A very funny episode by John Esmonde and Bob Larbey , and which with the benefit of hindsight can now be regarded as the ' pilot ' for their later hit sitcom ' Get Some In ! ' . There's Frankie acting in much the same swaggering manner as Jakey Smith , a vicious Corporal ( played by Tony Selby , who was ' Marsh ' in the other series ) , and amongst the squaddies is a young Scot ( shades of ' Leckie ' ) . Frankie's stupidity lands both him and the squad in hot water . During target practice , the Corporal is so fed up of his childish antics he commands the others to shoot him . Frankie is genuinely terrified . Luckily , the squad fire their rifles into the air . Dennis and Maureen are the only other gang members to appear in this episode . Funniest moment - Frankie being arrested by M . P . ' s for going A . W . O . L . As they drag him away , he squeals : " But I've a 48 ! I haven't been here a week yet ! " . One of the police points out that the ' 48 ' referred to hours , not days . |
400,840 | 7,743,887 | 956,748 | 9 | I never had that fight with Sean Connery ! | Invalided out of the army , Frankie is unemployed , and takes to the streets in his ' private eye ' gear . After seeing Craven driving his new scooter , Frankie is jealous . Attempting to steal a car , he crashes it . Put on probation , Frankie is asked the whereabouts of his father by an inquiring officer . Even Frankie himself does not know . Overhearing his mother tell her friend Shirley the truth , Frankie sets off to the Labour Exchange where Mr . Abbott works . . . Written by Frankie's alter-ego David Barry , this is one of the best episodes of the show . Predictably , it focuses mainly on Frankie and his appalling mother , with minor contributions from fellow Gang members Eric , Craven , and Dennis . But it does not get boring . On the contrary , Frankie's character is explored with a depth unseen before on screen . It appears that Mrs . Abbott's insanity started when her husband walked out on her , and she inadvertently passed it onto her only child . When Frankie tries to find his Dad , he is shocked at what a pathetic figure he is and rushes to his friends for sympathy . He even owns up to being a liar . Needless to say , his reformed character does not stay reformed for long . That Barry could write a script equal - if not better - to many of the Esmonde / Larbey shows is really quite an achievement . Spot the mistake - Shirley accidentally referring to Vera Abbott as ' Barbara ' , the real name of the actress playing the role . Funniest moment - Frankie receiving his new scooter . To his horror , he turns out to be a child's one ! |
400,791 | 7,743,887 | 918,013 | 9 | I'm listening to the twaddle you're talking ! | Of all the ' Shelley ' episodes I have reviewed , this was the most difficult to do because nothing much actually happens in it . There are no subsidiary characters , just the three main ones . Shelley and Fran are in their bed-sit as usual . She is engrossed in a dog-eared copy of George Orwell's ' Keep The Aspidistra Flying ' while he - plainly lonely - tries to strike up a conversation with her . But her only responses are non-committal grunts . Shelley finds a book by Anthony Smith called ' The Body ' and begins quoting useless facts , hoping to provoke a response . But gets nothing . Mrs . H comes in and Shelley tries to talk to her instead . She looks baffled as he reels off facts about the Human Body she had not previously been aware of . . . With only three characters , and the action remaining fixed in one room , everything is dependent on the script . Luckily with Peter Tilbury at the helm , you cannot go far wrong . Josepone Tewson's expressions are hilarious , particularly when Shelley tells her how long her intestinal piping would be if unrolled . Funniest moment - Shelley saying to Mrs . H : " Do you know that the Human Body is composed mainly of water ? " . Looking at her , he sarcastically adds : " Or in your case , tea ! " . |
401,206 | 7,743,887 | 60,010 | 9 | We're The Young Generation & We've Got Something To Say ! | No-one has ever tried to pretend that ' The Monkees ' were anything more than a pop group specifically created for a television show , and to sell bubblegum music to kids . That said , it should also be noted how talented Mike Nesmith , Peter Tork , David Jones , and Micky Dolenz were as comedy performers , far more so than the members of ' Herman's Hermits ' and ' The Dave Clark Five ' , both of whom tried and failed to reach the same audience . The show took its cue from the Beatles ' movie ' Help ! ' , with the band constantly running across rooftops , chased by screaming girls , and famous actors hamming it up for all it was worth in cameo roles . John Lennon likened The Monkees to the Marx Brothers , and its not hard to see why . The show caught the mood of the time ; it was colourful , daft fun , just what the world needed as the Vietnam war raged . And the songs were good too , particularly ' Last Train To Clarksville ' . Such was the show's popularity in Britain that it was being rerun long after the group disbanded . |
400,805 | 7,743,887 | 723,763 | 9 | Espionage In Space | ' One Way To The Moon ' is one of my favourite ' Time Tunnel ' episodes , made just before the show got bogged down with historical battles and alien invasions . Its one of only two spy stories in the series , the other being ' Secret Weapon ' , and its a pity they did not do more in similar vein . The premise is this : enemy agent Beard has infiltrated a U . S . manned flight to Mars in the year 1978 . The Russians want to stop the Americans from reaching The Red ( how ironic ) Planet first . Doug and Tony materialise aboard the rocket seconds before lift-off . Their excess weight slows it down , making the mission impossible without emergency refuelling . So they head for the Moon . The crafty Beard denounces them as spies , and recommends dumping them out of an airlock . But after going outside to repair the damaged hull , the scientists remain aboard until the ship touches down . At Project Tic-Toc in 1968 , Beard watches his future self with amazement . His fellow enemy agent Dr . Brandon blows up one of the Time Tunnel's computers , breaking visual contact with Tony and Doug . When his treachery is uncovered , he begins shooting at guards and flees . Unable to leave the complex , he hides out in the Tunnel's coils , where he is found - and later murdered - by Beard . Beard has successfully preserved his cover but is no longer able to see the fate of his future self - blown up by a bomb he planted in the fuel dump . As the rocket lifts off without them , Doug and Tony are thrown back into the infinite corridors of time . . . Stock footage from George Pal's ' Destination Moon ' provides the space and Moon scenes ( watch the rocket change shape in mid-journey ! ) . Rather oddly , the fuel dump has gravity , but lacks oxygen . As the Time Tunnel whisks the scientists off to another adventure , it divests them of their spacesuits , leaving them on the lunar surface without air . Bad science aside , this is a tense , exciting episode , neatly combining international intrigue and science fiction ( the first Moon landing was a good three years off ) . James T . Callahan is impressive in the role of the duplicitous ' Beard ' . Neither Tony nor Doug inform General Kirk of Beard's base treachery , indeed the adventure is not referred to again . Its almost a pity Beard does not get to watch his own death - the look on his face would have been priceless ! |
401,552 | 7,743,887 | 67,375 | 9 | How To Steal A Starfish | ' Madame Sin ' was a late addition to the cycle of James Bond rip-offs that began in the ' 60's . It was the creation of American writer Lou Morheim and Barry Shear , the latter responsible for directing several ' Man From U . N . C . L . E . ' episodes . The script though was by Barry Oringer and David Greene , who also directed the stylish spy romp ' Sebastian ' with Dirk Bogarde . Robert Wagner is cast as ' Anthony Lawrence ' , an ex-C . I . A . agent down on his luck . He is approached in a London park by Malcolm De Vere ( Denholm Elliott ) who offers him a job . No sooner has he turned it down than two nuns appear , ostensibly collecting charity money , one of whom zaps him with a dandy sonic device . Lawrence is driven off in a fake ambulance to a rendezvous with a helicopter . When he wakes up , he is on the private island of the mysterious super-villain Madame Sin ( Bette Davis ) . The Madame has an underground laboratory in which scientists have perfected a means of mind control . She intends , with Lawrence's help , to abduct the commander of H . M . S . Starfish , Britain's newest nuclear submarine . To act as bait , one of Lawrence's old girlfriends Barbara ( Catherine Schell ) is around . . . Stylish romp , camp and fun . I suspect it was Anne Robinson's favourite movie once as the Madame seems to be the inspiration for her ' Weakest Link ' persona . Bette Davis goes through it all puffing cigars , wearing blue eyeshadow and what appears to be one of Ena Sharples ' old hairnets . The script alas does not give her any memorable lines , hence she never once exudes the menace required for the role . She was far more sinister in ' The Anniversary ' in 1969 . Wagner plays ' Lawrence ' in much the same key as ' Al Mundy ' , his character in ' It Takes A Thief ' . Denholm Elliott steals the show , and Gordon Jackson and Dudley Sutton also light up the screen . Gabriella Licudi ( ' The Liquidator ' , ' Casino Royale ' ) is one of the evil nuns . Enjoyable though this is , one wishes it had been made for the cinema on a bigger budget . It cries out for explosive set pieces but does not get them . Brian Eatwell's sets dazzle though , and it concludes with an original twist on the normal ' Bond ' style endings . It was intended as a back-door pilot for a series that was never made . Pity . I would have liked seeing Madame Sin going after the Russian Crown Jewels . |
401,151 | 7,743,887 | 69,560 | 9 | Loosely Based On The Life Of Margaret Powell | ' Beryl's Lot ' starred Carmel McSharry as Beryl Humphries , a middle-aged housewife with time on her hands who , to the surprise of her friends and family decides to study philosophy at night school . It results in a change of attitude on her part to life , much to her husband's disdain , as well as new friends whom he doesn't warm to . Being the brainchild of ' Emmerdale Farm ' creator Kevin Laffan , there were bound to be soap opera elements inbuilt into this comedy drama series . The pub scenes were not unlike those in The Rovers Return . Robin Askwith ( in his pre ' Confessions ' days ) appeared in the first season as the Humphries ' lovelorn lodger . Sadly , this was to be the final work of that fine actress Barbara Mitchell , who played talkative busybody Vi Tonks . Her early death from cancer robbed showbiz of a great talent . The third season halved the length of the episodes and , predictably , the show lost some of its warmth and charm . But that theme tune . . . absolutely brilliant ! |
401,624 | 7,743,887 | 69,562 | 9 | Fantasising Smalltown Boy | I was wary of revisiting this show , fearing it might not live up to my fond memories . I need not have worried . ' Billy Liar ' is still great fun , boasting superb scripts by Keith Waterhouse and Willis Hall , good performances by George A . Cooper , Colin Jeavons as the gloomy ' Mr . Shadrach ' , Pamela Vezey , Sally Watts and , of course , Jeff Rawle as ' Billy ' . An unexpected scene stealer was the late May Warden as ' Grandma ' , her unwanted reminiscences about her amorous past had me roaring with laughter . Its basically the same set-up as the book / movie / play - set in the fictional Northern town of Stradhoughton , undertakers clerk Billy Fisher is an incorrigible liar , a nobody who dreams of being somebody . His escapes into fantasy land provided much of the humour . I couldn't work out though why Shadrach didn't simply sack him , or why his soft , soppy girlfriend Barbara stood by him even when he was caught dating other girls . Amongst the guest stars were Roy Kinnear , Thora Hird , Lynda Bellingham , and Roy Barrowclough . Two seasons were made ( plus a sketch shown as part of I . T . V . ' s ' All-Star Comedy Carnival ' from Christmas Day 1973 ) . The first went out post-watershed , allowing for some ripe ( though tame by today's standards ) language from Mr . Fisher and the occasional flash of nudity . The second was screened in an earlier time slot ( possibly because L . W . T . saw that its main audience was young ) and not networked . Its dated of course ( check out the length of Billy's hair ! ) particularly the episodes referencing the hippie movement and kung-fu craze , but still very funny . |
401,651 | 7,743,887 | 77,080 | 9 | When Jason Was Breathless ! | A . T . V . ' s ' A Sharp Intake Of Breath ' gave David Jason his first solo comedy hit following years of supporting roles in series such as ' Hark At Barker ' ( in which he played ' Dithers ' the 100-year old gardener ) , the ' Doctor ' series , and two failed attempts at a show of his own - ' The Top Secret Life Of Edgar Briggs ' and ' Lucky Feller ' . It grew out of a pilot , shown as part of ' The Sound Of Laughter ' ( I . T . V . ' s answer to the B . B . C . ' s ' Comedy Playhouse ' ) on / 77 . Jason starred as ' Peter Barnes ' , middle-aged , happily married , a good man in an insane world . His life was one disaster after another , whether it involved going to the doctors , teaching his wife to drive , getting a suit to go to a wedding , or going on holiday . Patricia Brake initially portrayed his wife ' Sheila ' , but after she went off to appear in Ronnie Barker's ' Going Straight ' , the role went to Jacqueline Clarke of ' Dave Allen At Large ' fame . Each week , the show opened with the title inside a deflating speech bubble , the air going into the mouth of a potato-headed man . Alun Armstrong and Richard Wilson cropped up each week in a variety of authoritative guises - doctor , mechanic , bank manager , head waiter , railway ticket inspector and so on . The humour largely arose from poor Barnes ' inability to cope with the horrors of bureaucracy . Whenever he asked somebody to do something , he would get a sharp intake of breath , followed by " Its more than my jobs worth . " . In a ' News Of The World ' interview published around the time of the third season , Jason said : " I love old Barnsey . He's such a fool . " . The show was devised and written by Ronnie Taylor , also responsible for the popular Leslie Crowther sitcom ' My Good Woman ' ( which also featured Wilson ) . Other episodes were penned by Leslie Duxbury and ' Randall & Hopkirk ( Deceased ) actor Kenneth Cope . When Taylor died suddenly , the third season was cut short . The series returned with Vince Powell inheriting the writing duties . Powell's first script was a rehashed ' Bless This House ' plot . The shift in styles of humour was noticeable . The Taylor-penned episodes were the best - in one , Barnes went to collect his car from a local garage , and almost had a nervous breakdown attempting to prove his identity . Jason's exasperated looks to camera were hysterically funny ! It would perhaps be stretching a point to describe this as ' satire ' - there were elements of slapstick involved - but it was fairly close in spirit to Monty Python's famed ' Dead Parrot Sketch ' . All over Britain you could hear the ' sharp intake of breath ' in playgrounds and workplaces , a sure sign the show had caught on . After a patchy first series ( further marred by annoying canned laughter ) , the second tightened up the character of Barnes and , with its witty Mel Calman cartoons and chirpy Ken Jones signature tune , brightened up Monday ( later Friday , then Sunday ) evenings for the best part of five years , ending abruptly when A . T . V . became Central T . V . In the early ' 90's , the newly-formed ' I . T . C . Home Video ' label wanted to release ' Breath ' on V . H . S . , but Jason , for reasons best known to himself , objected . His decision was especially perplexing when one recalls his apparent pride in the show at the time . Whatever his reasons , the prospect of ' Breath ' gathering dust in a vault somewhere for years while other inferior series come out on D . V . D . is depressing indeed . |
401,582 | 7,743,887 | 710,096 | 9 | Dumping Dad | By the time the third season of ' Steptoe & Son ' went on air , the programme had become a national institution . Harold and Albert are in the country when they espy a lovely old Victorian house . Harold wonders if it is the property of a millionaire . His enthusiasm for the place causes his father to be suspicious . He is right to be . It is an old folks ' home , which Harold intends putting him into while he goes off on a two year round-the-world cruise . The old man is understandably horrified . After a long argument , he finally moves in , and Harold goes home to prepare for the trip . Until a letter from the organisers puts him firmly in his place . . . A good start to the third series of ' Steptoe & Son ' , expertly mixing pathos and humour as usual . Harold comes across as pretty heartless here , attempting to talk his father into going into a home while of course the old man is having none of it . The shot of a tearful Albert sitting alone in his room is affecting . Naturally this situation is not permanent ( there would have been no series otherwise ! ) , with Harold's plans wrecked before they have a chance to come to fruition . Peggy Thorpe-Bates plays the ' Matron ' . Fans of ' Rumpole Of The Bailey ' will recall she played his fearsome wife Hilda ( ' She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed ' ) in the early seasons of the hit Thames show . Funniest moment - on being told that five men and five women will be on Harold's cruise , Albert jumps to the wrong conclusion about what sort of trip it is going to be . |
401,429 | 7,743,887 | 710,094 | 9 | Pommy beer is flatter than a witch's tit ! | An Australian turns up at Oil Drum Lane , Shepherd's Bush , purporting to be Arthur , Albert's long-lost son . He has come to the U . K . to settle down , without actually doing any work . The big mouthed Aussie gets his feet under the Steptoe's table , takes money off them at every opportunity , and pushes poor Harold out of his room . He is also keen to go through the company's books . So depressed is Harold about the interloper he moves out , and into a seedy bed-sit . . . The final episode of the excellent Season 6 is a little belter , mixing comedy and pathos once again . Despite his numerous attempts to escape from the clutches of his father , Harold seems genuinely hurt by his father's transference of affection to Arthur . We never quite find out whether this is indeed the real Arthur , or merely an impostor . Albert seems prepared to take him at face value , without bothering to check the details of his story . The late Kenneth J . Warren appeared in countless British films and television shows of the ' 60's and ' 70's , usually as villains in spy dramas . Fans of ' The Saint ' will remember him as ' Warlock ' in the two-parter ' The Fiction Makers ' . Funniest moment - Harold angrily rounding on his father for having sired an illegitimate son : " You're worse than an Aberdeen Angus ! " . |
401,061 | 7,743,887 | 959,067 | 9 | Its Bickerstaff's revenge ! | Duncan , Dick and Paul wish to attend a rugby match between England and Wales at Cardiff Arms Park . For Collier , it is no problem , but the others fear their wives may not approve . Salvation comes in the unlikely form of Kenneth Bickerstaff , an old student colleague who has had the decency to drop dead whilst train spotting . His funeral will take place on the same day as the match . So Dick and Duncan tell Emma and Geraldine they are to attend , all the time planning to change their clothes and sneak off to see the game . But then an unexpected development occurs - Loftus wants to tag along . . . George Layton strikes again , but this script is markedly better than his previous three efforts . The earlier programmes had depicted Duncan and Dick as being under their wives ' thumbs , so its nice to once again see them up to mischief , even if their plan does go awry . After the funeral , Bickerstaff's mother invites them home for tea . Alas , the avocado dip gives them food poisoning , and they miss the match . Nevertheless , the sight of our heroes riding a hay cart and singing rugby songs is guaranteed to gladden the heart of any fan . Its the sort of thing they would have done in their student days . ' Bickerstaff ' sounds uncannily similar to ' Bingham ' ; he was an unpopular student , who had a braying laugh , and was regarded by the others as a bit of a creep . Bearing in mind that Bingham was originally planned to be a part of the revival , it seems unlikely that the script began life as ' Bye Bye , Bingham ' . The episode makes several light-hearted references to heart attacks . By a chilling coincidence , this was how Robin Nedwell passed on in 1999 . Funniest moment - at the funeral , Loftus and Duncan struggle to keep their bladders under control . Unfortunately , the vicar's memorial includes several references to rivers and streams ! |
401,031 | 7,743,887 | 546,886 | 9 | The Sweet Smell Of Oblivion | Mention the now-defunct ' Granada Television ' to most people and the first thing they are likely to think of is ' Coronation Street ' . It also had a reputation for quality period drama series such as ' Country Matters ' and ' The Jewel In The Crown ' . It may surprise them to learn that the company was responsible for one of the weirdest series ever shown on British television - ' The Corridor People ' . Created and written by Edward Boyd , it starred the beautiful Elisabeth Shepherd as Persian villain ' Syrie Van Epp ' . Shepherd was originally to have played ' Mrs . Emma Peel ' in ' The Avengers ' , but the producers felt she lacked the light comedy touch they wanted , so she was paid off and the job went instead to Diana Rigg . Mention of ' The Avengers ' is important here because ' The Corridor People ' looks like an attempt by Granada to capitalise on that show's success . The larger-than-life villains , the absurd plots , the campy humour , all were replicated here . Van Epp is out to seize power , and the only people to stand in her way are the men and women of Department K of the Ministry Of Defence , led by the wonderfully-named Kronk ( John Sharp ) . Another investigator is Phil Scrotty ( Gary Cockrell ) whose office is dominated by a poster of Humphrey Bogart , and whom dresses like his hero . Other law officers are Inspector Hound and Sergeant Blood , played by Alan Curtis and William Maxwell respectively . The first episode opens with the kidnapping of a birdwatcher - Christopher Robin Vaughan ( Tim Barrett ) . He owns a controlling share in a cosmetics company , and Van Epp wants it . He initially refuses , so she resorts to seduction . He becomes so smitten he plans on giving the share to her as a wedding present . Van Epp wants the share because the company has ( accidentally ) developed a new brand of perfume that knocks out people for a period of 24 hours . Department K snatch Vaughan from Van Epp's grasp and when he refuses to co-operate - execute him . From the above outline it should be clear that this is not intended to be taken seriously . The emphasis is on humour throughout , and I found myself admiring its sheer nerve . Boyd's script has some good lines . When Van Epp tells someone " I am a hoarder ! " , he replies : " That's one syllable too many ! " . Surprisingly , she is amused rather than offended . As Van Epp , Shepherd is deliciously evil , purring like a cat throughout . I warmed to her straight away ! The investigators though are depicted as a daft lot - the young Windsor Davies is among them - and it is impossible to like or care about any of them . Tim Barrett ( known mainly for sitcoms such as ' Terry & June ' ) acquits himself well as the sexually repressed birdwatcher . Of course this is not in the same league as ' The Avengers ' ( nor ' Adam Adamant Lives ! ' for that matter ) because it lacks both excitement and charm . The original audience certainly thought so - it was axed after only four episodes . |
401,573 | 7,743,887 | 161,174 | 9 | I've got hair on my chest and Susan's got boobs ! | ' The Fosters ' was the first British sitcom to star an all-black cast . A year after it ended , London Weekend Television gave us ' Mixed Blessings ' , written by Sid Green , a former gag man for Morecambe and Wise . The premise is this : university graduates Thomas Simpson ( the late Christopher Blake ) and Susan Lambert ( Muriel Odunton ) are in love and have secretly married . After the honeymoon , they face the unenviable task of informing their parents . Though both English , Thomas is white and Susan is black . Predictably , their respective new in-laws are not happy with the situation . Thomas ' mother , the dimwitted Annie ( Sylvia Kay ) , has a habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time . On meeting Matilda ( Carmen Monro ) and William Lambert ( Stefan Kalipha ) , she asks : " Were you ever slaves ? " . Another time , she innocently quips in their presence : " I believe in calling a spade a spade ! " . At which point , Thomas rolls his eyes in despair . Thomas and Susan initially live with his liberally minded Aunt Dorothy ( the priceless Joan Sanderson ) , before acquiring their own flat , where they are scrutinised by the local busybody , Mrs . Beasley ( the late Pauline Delany ) . Susan's job as a social worker provides their major source of income , until Thomas finally gets work . After three seasons , this popular series bowed out on a high note with Susan giving birth . Compared to ' Love Thy Neighbour ' and ' Till Death Us Do Part ' , this was very gentle stuff indeed . Though Thomas and Susan's families disliked one another , we saw little of the hatred which defined Eddie Booth's relationship with Bill Reynolds . They were affable old fogeys rather than ranting bigots . Racist language was conspicuously absent . After the initial episodes , the characters got used to one another , and the show settled into a cosy , domestic sitcom . The opening credits symbolised the format by featuring a wedding cake half white and half black . There were complaints , but by and large ' Mixed Blessings ' was regarded positively . I . T . V . even sold it to the West Indies . Which makes it all the more strange why it is rarely ( if ever ) mentioned on retro programmes . I can only assume that it is because it does not tally with the myth that the ' 70's was the golden age of the casually racist sitcom . The catchy theme song was sung by Christopher Blake , and written by Peter Davison , his co-star in the I . T . V . drama ' Love For Lydia ' . |
401,044 | 7,743,887 | 612,778 | 9 | When Thieves Collide ! | Back in the U . S . A . , Mundy is approached at the airport by a sexy blonde who tells him that a man in a phone booth has a gun trained on him . She orders him to get on a plane bound for Geneva . He gives his would-be kidnappers the slip and reports back to Noah Bain . The S . I . A . chief has a new mission for him - to break into the safe of a man named Bjornsen and steal N . A . T . O . defence secrets before he can sell them to the highest bidder . In Geneva , Mundy meets the blonde again , and her boyfriend , George Palmer , also a thief . He is also planning on breaking into the same safe , but for a different reason - to steal a valuable necklace . . . Likable Bill Bixby guests here as ' Palmer ' , a fellow thief . The actor was best known at that time for the sitcom ' My Favourite Martian ' , and would go on to star in ' The Magician ' and ' The Incredible Hulk ' . The best moments feature Palmer and Mundy trying to out-con one another . At one point , Mundy even uses fake police to attempt to deport his rival ! There's no actual battleship here , only a model one in Bjornsen's villa , and this is where the valuables are . Favourite moment - Palmer and Mundy duking it out in a hotel room while the blonde ( never named , incidentally ) sits watching them , calmly eating an apple ! |
401,424 | 7,743,887 | 70,984 | 9 | Ahoy There Shipmates ! | Appearing recently on an I . T . V . - 1 documentary about L . W . T . ' s ' Doctor ' series , producer Humphrey Barclay said : " ' Doctor At Sea ' sank without trace . Nobody wanted it , nobody talks about it now . " . I think he was being unduly harsh . I like the show , and am happy to talk about it anytime to anyone . It followed the successful ' In Charge ' ( which ran for two seasons ) , and marked the first time the doctors left the St . Swithins ' hospital since ' At Large ' . Dick Stuart-Clark has messed up once too often , and Loftus finally gives him the sack . Duncan resigns in protest . They sign up as ship's doctors for a two-month voyage on the cruise ship M . S . Begonia . But there is a small detail they failed to check on . The captain is one Norman Loftus , twin brother of Professor Sir Geoffrey . This piece of invention enabled the writers to lose Loftus and yet keep him . The first episode ' Sir John & Baby Doc ' provides effective transition between the old and new series . Rather than just let Paul Collier and Lawrence Bingham be quietly forgotten , an issue was made of their leaving . A wonderful sequence has Duncan and Dick looking back at their student days . In reality , Richard O'Sullivan had left to take up residence with Paula Wilcox and Sally Thomsett in ' Man About The House ' , while George Layton became ' Bombardier Solomons ' in ' It Ain't Half Hot Mum ' . As the weeks rolled by , the doctors had to contend with batty passengers , sick crewmen , a snooty Purser ( superbly played by the late John Grieve ) , an Entertainments Officer ( Bob Todd ) whose moods swing alarmingly from depression to euphoria , and a stowaway ( David Jason ) . Duncan even got to lead a mutiny ! As Captain Norman , Ernest Clark was virtually indistinguishable from his twin , except for a beard . Elisabeth Counsell provided glamour as ' Nurse Joyce Wynton ' . Foreign locales featured in the show for the first time . With all these plus points , why isn't ' At Sea ' as well remembered as the others ? The absence of Bingham and Collier disappointed fans , no doubt about it , on top of which you can only do so many plots aboard a ship . The show got into trouble with the episode ' In A Little Spanish Town ' in which Duncan was falsely accused of rape . Whatever the reason , when the show ended , it was decided to send Duncan and Dick back to St . Swithins . Not as good as ' At Large ' or ' In Charge perhaps , but miles better than ' Down Under ' and ' At The Top ' . |
400,719 | 7,743,887 | 916,156 | 9 | To Sea Or Not To Sea ? | A fancy dress party to mark the end of the M . S . Begonia's voyage is interrupted by an emergency operation . The Purser , dressed as Hitler , gives blood . Duncan is fed up of being a ship's doctor . Falling out with Dick , he returns to St . Swithin's alone to plead with Professor Sir Geoffrey Loftus for his old job back , but finds the hospital cold and unfriendly . No-one remembers either him or Dick , and the new intake of doctors are creepier than Bingham . With time running out , the doctors must decide what to do with their futures . . . The final ' At Sea ' sees the welcome return of the Loftus we all know and love - Professor Sir Geoffrey . When Duncan gets out of a taxi , sees the hospital , and gives a big grin , the audience is grinning along with him . The unnamed doctor played by the late Christopher Mitchell ( better known as ' Gunner Parkins ' of ' It Ain't ' Alf Hot , Mum ' fame ) is Bingham to a tee , and one wonders if he was originally offered the role of ' Dr . Gascoigne ' in ' On The Go ' . Bingham has gone to Highcross . Why , the rotten sneak ! Professor Sir Geoffrey Loftus offers the doctors their old jobs back , but they elect instead to return to the ship , leaving the door open for a second season of ' At Sea ' . It never appeared , possibly as a consequence of the expense incurred by Dick and Duncan's Mediterranean adventures , the row over ' In A Little Spanish Town ' , or a feeling that the show simply was not as funny away from St . Swithins . Whatever , when ' On The Go ' got underway the next year , it saw the lads back on dry land . ' At Sea ' was an enjoyable series on the whole , if not quite up to the standard of its predecessor . George Layton and Richard O'Sullivan were missed , but John Grieve's ' Purser ' and Bob Todd's ' Entertainments Officer ' ( strangely absent from the final episode ) provided some compensation . Funniest moment - Dick , dressed as Dracula , asking the Purser if he like to donate blood ! Second funniest moment - Dick and Duncan conducting the interviews for their replacements on the ship . The successful applicant does a runner when they imply they are gay ! |
401,647 | 7,743,887 | 66,669 | 9 | Harmless Fun From A More Innocent Age | ' Here Come The Double Deckers ! ' premiered on B . B . C . - T . V . in 1970 and was repeated virtually every summer for years thereafter . Nobody objected because it was a thumping good show ; a high-spirited comic version of Enid Blyton's ' Secret Seven ' , replete with singing , dancing , and lots of slapstick . If anyone fell over , they'd never be hurt . The gang came in all shapes and sizes , so the viewers could find at least one kid to identify with . I used to wonder how the gang had gotten together , and why we never saw their parents . A show like this could never be made now . With the Government getting tough on obesity amongst children , Doughnut would be out for a start . Secondly , parents would be bound to object to the sight of children in an old bus , clearly in imminent danger from the exhaust fumes . As for Albert the road sweeper , he'd probably be targeted by a ' News Of The World ' style witch hunt . ' Double Deckers ' is a charming relic from a bygone era when kids were allowed to be kids . |
401,431 | 7,743,887 | 759,867 | 9 | Four Away ! | Albert makes a steak and kidney pie for tea . Alas , his culinary skills are hardly in the Delia Smith class , involving the use of a beer bottle as a rolling pin , and his dentures to make a pattern round the edge of the crust . Harold takes one bite , and encounters a tooth . It isn't his , either . Harold has purchased an old snooker table , and has it installed in the living room . It takes up so much room it is virtually impossible to have a decent game . Furthermore , Harold does not appear to be very good at it , potting the cue ball each time he attempts a shot . Albert , on the other hand , turns out to be a brilliant snooker player . As he loses game after game , Harold becomes angrier and angrier . Finally , he flips , and , after moving the table into the yard , insist they continue to play even in the middle of a storm . . . ' Pot Black ' was one of a batch of ' Steptoe ' episodes wiped by the B . B . C . in the ' 70's ( why , for heaven's sake ? ) , only to be later recovered , thanks to Ray Galton , who had the good sense to record them using an early form of V . C . R . Of all the recovered episodes , this is the one that I think suffers most from only existing in monochrome . The colours of the snooker balls cannot be seen , making the action around the table somewhat hard-going . What keeps it afloat are , as you would expect , the performances of the cast . As was the case with the later ' A Star Is Born ' , Harold embarks on a new hobby , only to be outclassed by his father . Funniest moment - faced with a difficult shot , Harold goes outside and leans in through the window ! |
400,984 | 7,743,887 | 803,375 | 9 | The gerboa . . . is an animal ! | 5C's imaginations are fired up by a wildlife documentary . Mr . Hedges suggest they ' adopt ' one of the animals at the local zoo . They choose a ' gerboa ' , a small , jumping rodent more commonly known as a ' desert rat ' . They christen it Norman . Naturally , Potter is not happy about the situation . The class grow to love the animal - Maureen even makes a woollen garment for it to wear in winter - but then Mr . Hedges receives bad news - ' Norman ' has passed away , and it falls on him to have to inform 5C . . . One of the great things about ' Please Sir ! ' was the quality of the writing . In many ways , it was more like a soap , with story lines carrying over from one episode to the next . Here Mr . Cromwell and Smithy are still not speaking to one another , a state of affairs begun in the previous episode when Smithy was relieved of his duties as ' Sports Master ' . Other sitcoms would have quietly ditched the idea . Despite the sad ending , the episode skillfully avoids sentimentality . To cheer up 5C , Hedges takes them round the zoo . Maureen and Mr . Hedges get to ride a camel ( providing her with a golden opportunity to wrap her arms round him ! ) , Abbott is menaced by a rhino , and Dennis walks out with a chimpanzee on his arm ! Funniest moment - Potter corrects Abbott's spelling after the latter has daubed graffiti , then realises that it is his own name ! |
401,144 | 7,743,887 | 803,373 | 9 | Who is Sylvia ? What is she ? | Doris Ewell is invited by relatives to go and live in Australia . She accepts . To her amazement , Mr . Cromwell laughs when she tells him the news , so in revenge she snips off the heads of his flowers . 5C are besides with themselves with glee at the thought of ' Rotten ' Ewell emigrating . Even the teachers , particularly Mr . Price , cannot wait to see the back of her . Only Mr . Hedges , it seems , is prepared to express sorrow over her impending departure . . . Joan Sanderson takes centre-stage in this episode , and marvellous she is too , definitely one of the programme's major assets . We have all met snooty teachers like ' Miss Ewell ' at some point in our childhoods . However , the script allows her to become more sympathetic than usual , particularly when she cries after losing her cool with 5C . Funniest moment - it has to be Miss Ewell's doomed attempt to turn 5C into a choir . At one point , she ropes Mr . Hedges in . As he warbles " Who is Sylvia ? What is she ? " , his voice suddenly switches from baritone to soprano ! |
400,911 | 7,743,887 | 68,742 | 9 | Before Daniel , There Was John ! | The late James Mitchell is best remembered as the creator of ' Callan ' , a long-running television spy series that starred Edward Woodward . Not so well remembered is a quartet of novels he wrote featuring another spy - John Craig of ' Department K ' . These were ' The Man Who Sold Death ' , ' Die Rich Die Happy ' , ' The Money That Money Can't Buy ' and ' The Innocent Bystanders ' . The latter was filmed in 1972 , starring my fellow countryman , the late , great Stanley Baker . A scientist called Kaplan has escaped from a Siberian work-camp , and gone to ground in Turkey . Kaplan is close to perfecting a means of transforming arid desert into tropical rain-forests . U . S . Intelligence agency Group Three wants him but , fearing a security leak , cannot use its own men , so its head Blake ( Dana Andrews ) calls on Loomis ( Donald Pleasence ) of Britain's ' Department K ' . Loomis sends for John Craig , a tough , hard-as-nails agent who suffered torture on his last mission and is now considered expendable . He uses Craig as a decoy , while two other agents , Royce ( Derren Nesbitt ) and Benson ( Sue Lloyd ) carry out the assignment . Craig's first inkling that something is badly wrong comes when he visits New York and finds that the gun he had been promised by Loomis has not been provided . At the apartment block where Kaplan's brother's lives , he is brutally attacked . Then Group Three pick up Craig and subject him to a mock torture session . Craig is so psychologically disturbed that he cracks even though he is experiencing no physical pain . A Group Three agent ( Cec Linder ) comes up with an interesting analogy : " You can take a knife and sharpen it and sharpen it until it will cut anything , including silk scarves . Then one day you drop it on a stone floor . The knife still cuts , but the silk scarves are safe . " . ' Innocent Bystanders ' begins rather like ' A Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovitch ' , but following a pitched gun battle moves to London . As Loomis and Blake stroll through the city , they exchange information , and this is intercut with shots of Craig and Benson firing at targets . This change in styles is rather disconcerting , but fun . Good editing by Alan Patillo , best known for his work on Gerry Anderson's television shows . As John Craig , Baker is reminiscent of another with that surname - Daniel . Like the most recent incarnation of 007 , Craig is good at his job , but not infallible . He was a karate black belt in the books but that is not mentioned here . The fights in this movie are Bond-like . I wish the producers had resisted the temptation to trendify Craig though . His white suits , long hair and ' Yosser Hughes'-style moustache would doubtless make this film a hilarious experience for modern audiences . Geraldine Chaplin is a surprising choice for the role of ' Miriam Loman ' , the American girl whom Craig kidnaps and takes with to Turkey . I say surprising because , how can I put this , she is rather . . . plain . The glamour is provided by Sue Lloyd as ' Benson ' . As ' Loomis ' , the late Donald Pleasence gives a chilling performance , even his request for gooseberry fool and custard sounds unnerving . Derren Nesbitt's ' Royce ' seems to have been modelled on ' Toby Meres ' from ' Callan ' . Like Meres , Royce is young , hot-headed , and keen to show his superiority over the older man Craig . Warren Mitchell plays another of his funny foreigners , an Australian barman named ' Omar ' , who habitually refers to Craig as ' pommy bastard ' . The director was Peter Collinson , responsible for the original ( and best ) version of ' The Italian Job ' . He keeps the whole thing moving nicely , sprinting from one exciting set-piece to another . This is not a Bond-style adventure as such ( no gadgets etc . ) , but John Keating's music at times evokes Bond . When Craig enters a bank vault , for example , you think that the title theme from ' Thunderball ' is about to intrude on the soundtrack . The song - ' What Makes The Man ? ' - is in the middle of the film , and would have worked had it not been ' sung ' by its lyricist , the late Norman ' Hurricane ' Smith , the world's worst vocalist . ' Innocent Bystanders ' is hard to come by , but for fans of Stanley Baker and ' 70's spy thrillers is worth seeking out . As are the James Mitchell books ( credited to James Munro ) . One wishes that they had also been filmed , with Baker again as ' Craig ' . |
401,181 | 7,743,887 | 81,883 | 9 | But I'm Telling You The Plot ! | The British public adored the late Kenny Everett , and it is not hard to see why . He was naturally funny , able to make the corniest of jokes ( and Barry Cryer and Ray Cameron supplied him with quite a few ) seem hysterical . After his massively successful Thames T . V . series came to an end ( Kenny was apparently unhappy at budget cuts , which amongst other things resulted in the removal of the ' Captain Kremmen ' cartoons . The sketches had to be done from then on as live action with himself playing ' Kremmen ' and Anna Dawson as ' Carla ' . Also it was put head-to-head with the B . B . C . ' s ' Top Of The Pops ' on Thursday nights ) , Kenny returned in triumph to the corporation that had once sacked him for cracking a joke about a transport minister's wife . His B . B . C . show was more or less the same except for the addition of a laugh-track . Instead of Arlene Phillips ' ' Hot Gossip ' , Kenny's new ace card was the stunning Brazillian-born beauty Cleo Rocos . Other girls in the show were Kate Rabette ( later to play ' Cissy Meldrum ' in the sitcom ' You Rang My Lord ? ' ) , Paula Wootton , and Lesley Ann Sommers . But Cleo made the biggest impact , particularly when as ' Miss Whiplash ' she was seen giving a chained Lionel Blair a taste of the leather lash . The quick fire bawdy humour was retained . Kenny's new characters included punk rocker ' Gizzard Puke ' , ' Julian Mince ' , a Hooray Henry of the first order , agony-aunt ' Verity Treacle ' , and the accident-prone D . I . Y . man Reg Prescott ( whose mishaps with saws and hammers were unusually gory for prime-time television ! ) , Marcel Wave , Morris Mimer and Cupid Stunt ( try saying that after a few drinks ! ) . A regular item of the 1985 series was ' Dallasty ' , a hilarious spoof of the U . S . soaps ' Dallas ' and ' Dynasty ' with Kenny playing most of the roles . One person who did not get the joke was Nina Myskow , then T . V . critic of ' The News Of The World ' and a vocal supporter of glossy U . S . soaps . Perhaps the last line in the closing credits had something to do with it : CREATIVE REALISATIONASSOCIATES PRODUCTION A later series spoofed the Australian soap ' Neighbours ' ( as ' Cobbers ' ) with the entire cast in swim wear , save for Kenny , who wore a suit at all times . Ray Cameron left eventually , and was replaced by David Renwick and Andrew Marshall , who came up with ' Bo Diddley Of The Legion ' . Another memorable sketch had Kenny as Rod Stewart , whose derrière keeps expanding to such an extent that he eventually lifts off . ' The Kenny Everett Television Show ' was a happy one . Stars of the calibre of Joanna Lumley , Richard Johnson , Billy Connolly , Pamela Stephenson , Cannon & Ball , John Wells , Terry Wogan , Tim Brooke-Taylor , Gareth Hunt , and Toyah Wilcox were keen to go on and join in the fun . Two hit records came out on the back of the show : the charmingly titled ' Snot Rap ' in 1983 and ' Snot Rap Part 2 ' in 1985 . In 1988 , Kenny quit to return to his first love - radio . Though he made guest appearances on various game shows ( and even fronted one of his own called ' Brainstorm ' ) , he scaled down his television work . He died in 1995 . Say what you will about Kenny , but British television was a far better place when he was around . After all , his show was ' all done in the best possible taste ! ' . |
400,806 | 7,743,887 | 590,996 | 9 | I don't know what you mean , Miss ! | The Goodies launch their own newspaper - The Clarion & Globe - with middling results . Bill's heart is just not in it . As ace reporter , he is hopelessly incompetent , missing major scoops such as a bank robbery , a fire and Prime Minister Harold Wilson streaking . Tim discovers that Bill is in love with the stunning Mildred Makepeace , daughter of a fabulously wealthy ( and notoriously miserable ) property tycoon . Mr . Makepeace has issued a public challenge - anyone who can make him laugh can have the hand of his daughter in marriage . Bill tries , and fails , so Tim and Graeme sack him . Who do they replace him with ? None other than the object of his desire - Mildred herself . . . Sometimes known as ' Fleet Street Goodies ' , this episode is less concerned with bashing the press , and more with Bill's infatuation with Mildred ( though its conveniently forgotten at the end ) . ' Mildred ' is played by the stunning Tessa Wyatt , later to co-star opposite Richard O'Sullivan in ' Robin's Nest ' . She gets some good scenes , notably her crude attempt to chat up Tim , which embarrasses him . ' Mr . Makepeace ' is Roland McLeod , who by now had guested in so many episodes as to be almost a regular . Karin McCarthy , who plays ' Katie Pimple ' , a thinly-disguised Katie Boyle , was appearing at that time in I . T . V . ' s ' The Squirrels ' , written by Eric Chappell . Several scenes - notably the ' Eurovision Raving Loony Contest ' - were used in a B . B . C . Horizon documentary about special effects entitled ' How On Earth Did They Do That ? ' . Funniest moment - Bill trying to commit suicide by laying in front of a moving buzz-saw . Tim and Graeme throw the controls into reverse , but then the buzz-saw gets loose and chases them ! |
401,212 | 7,743,887 | 590,998 | 9 | The Last Dodo ! | Tim and Graeme are members of ' The Endangered Species Club ' - a brigade of whiskered , upper class toffs who love to shoot anything that moves . So Bill sets up ' The Anti-Endangered Species Club ' , dedicated to the preservation of wildlife , and finds a Dodo , long thought to be extinct . The Dodo makes a nuisance of itself round the Goodies ' office by defecating and breaking wind constantly , so Bill places it in a special ' Dodo Sanctuary ' . Tim and Graeme help Bill try to get the bird to fly and , when their attempts fail miserably , resort to desperate measures . . . I was reminded of this recently when watching the I . T . V . sci-fi drama ' Primeval ' . The Goodies return to a subject they last tackled in the ' A-Hunting We Will Go ' episode from Season 3 - the sport of kings a . k . a . hunting . Once again its practitioners are depicted as drunken old fools who walk with a bow-legged gait and speak incoherently . Its interesting to see Bill showing an interest in birds , bearing in mind he's best known for wildlife programmes these days . The Dodo is about as convincing as ' Basil The Rat ' from ' Fawlty Towers ' , but blessed with a superb vocalization from Percy Edwards . It could not have been easy for him to imitate a long-dead species of bird . Funniest moment - the Dodo , at the controls of an airborne Sopwith Camel , striking back at the Endangered Species Club with bullets and bombs ! |
401,373 | 7,743,887 | 590,999 | 9 | Worms ? Full of protein ! | Desperate for some good , old fashioned home cooking , the Goodies visit Uncle Tom's farm . From a control room not unlike the bridge of the U . S . S . Enterprise , Uncle Tom uses modern technology to carry out such traditional duties as mucking out the pigsty and milking the cows . The Goodies volunteer to help out with the chores , and discover Uncle Tom has been selectively breeding animals - his cows can produce milk on tap simply by pumping their tails , whilst his duck pies run about on tiny webbed feet . Determined to put a stop to this madness , the Goodies set about ruining his produce . . . The main difference between comedy past and present is apparent in this episode . The Goodies wreck a modern idea , simply because they prefer the traditional way . Today the reverse would probably happen . The recent debate about genetically modified food has made this a lot less dated than it should . As Uncle Tom , John Le Mesurier acts as though he's just walked off the set of ' Dad's Army ' , no bad thing it has to be said . Andrea Lawrence , seen as a sexy barmaid in a spoof beer commercial , played the same role in the original . Funniest moment - the Goodies serving customers with ' tampered ' food such as flying sausages and rock-hard steak ! |
401,392 | 7,743,887 | 590,986 | 9 | That's All Folks ! | Pet shop owner Graeme sells Tim a ' Barbara Woodhouse ' dog training kit , which turns him into a facsimile of the eccentric lady herself . But when Tim calls out " Walkies ! " in the park , his dog ignores him . However , passers-by respond to the command . Tim and Graeme begin a new business - to sell people who act just like animals . One of these is Bill , dressed as a cocker spaniel . As a result of the success of their business venture , real pets are no longer in demand , so Graeme sets up a new kind of restaurant - ' The Rumbling Tum ' - whose menu consists of dogs and cats . But the ' animals ' come to resent being treated badly , and turn on Graeme . Bill becomes a canine ' Spartacus ' . . . The final episode of the disappointing London Weekend series is a cracking return to form for the lads from Cricklewood , even if the basic idea seems similar to one they did two years earlier at the B . B . C . - the superb ' Animals ' . There's an oddly touching moment as Bill , in his dog guise , reminds his master ( Tim ) that he loved him once . The climax in which the ' animals ' chase Graeme is reminiscent of the finale of H . G . Wells ' ' The Island Of Dr . Moreau ' . Funniest moment - in the restaurant , Graeme offers Tim a Twiglet . As Tim takes a bite , Graeme tells him it is in fact a stick insect ! For the Goodies , this was indeed the end of the road . Disappointing ratings ensured they did not get another season ( perhaps a later time slot would have helped ) . ' Animals ' appears to suggest that they had overcome the teething troubles caused by the change-over , and were ready to roll again . I do not accept the oft-repeated charge that their humour became outdated . ' The Two Ronnies ' ran until 1987 , ' The Morecambe & Wise Show ' until 1984 ( only ending because of Eric's death ) and Alf Garnett was successfully resurrected in 1985 . There were plenty of juicy comic targets for the lads to aim at in the ' 80's - Ronald Reagan , Heavy Metal , the New Romantics , ' Dallas ' , ' The A-Team ' , and films such as ' Rambo ' ( one can easily visualise a ' Goodies ' version of ' Rambo ' - it would probably have been called ' Timbo ' ) . But they were not given the chance to lampoon the decade . That job went to a new show called ' Spitting Image ' . . . In 1984 , L . W . T . repeated ' The Goodies ' on Sunday afternoons , and the B . B . C . rather graciously included ' Kitten Kong ' as part of a retrospective in 1986 . More recently , ' Beanstalk ' was part of a 2004 Boxing Day comedy retrospective on ' Five ' , the lads reunited for ' The Return Of The Goodies ' one-off on B . B . C . - 2 a year later , followed soon afterwards by a timely reshowing of ' Winter Olympics ' . That appears to be it , folks . |
401,177 | 7,743,887 | 803,384 | 9 | Heavy Petting ! | Miss Petting tries to interest 5C in dancing , but the only music they want to gyrate to is the latest Top 10 . As her depression worsens , Mr . Hurst tries to cheer her up by asking her round his place for dinner that evening . She accepts , only to then discover he is married . Daisy , meanwhile , is not having much luck with men either , and asks Miss Petting for advice . As the headmaster prepares to star in an amateur production of ' The Mikardo ' , he seems to be getting along well with Miss Petting . Talk of romance is in the air . Celia fixes a date for Daisy with a member of her family . Both women are in for terrible disappointments come the opening night . . . A better than average episode , thanks to Esmonde and Larbey's script which focuses on the previously neglected characters of ' Miss Petting ' and ' Daisy ' . Both are mirror images of each other ; plain , lacking in confidence , and unable to attract the opposite sex . Vivienne Martin's emotionally overwrought ' Gloria ' seems to be a prototype for ' Carole ' from ' The Brittas Empire ' . Eventually , both women are brutally let down . Miss Petting discovers Cromwell only wants her as a dogsbody , while Daisy's date turns out to be . . . a boy . Nice gentle pathos , not too overdone . Unfortunately , the episode ends before ' The Mikardo ' can get underway , so we can only guess at how well Mr . Cromwell's performance was received . Funniest moment - Miss Petting's bizarre singing voice which must surely rival Hyacinth Bucket's ! |
401,354 | 7,743,887 | 590,991 | 9 | Nanny Knows Best ! | The Goodies are out of work , with no offers of employment forthcoming . Then a creepy elderly couple hires them to act as nanny ( Tim ) , cook ( Bill ) , and gardener ( Graeme ) for one day . They entrust the Goodies with the responsibility of caring for Cecily , their niece . Cecily claims to be the heir to a vast family fortune her aunt and uncle are determined to possess . Even if it means resorting to murder . . . The only ' Goodies ' episode to give me nightmares ( Tim wasn't alone in having hysterics on seeing Cecily's last nanny reduced to a grinning skeleton in a rocking chair . Not even ' Psycho ' had that effect on me . ) . This is a delightfully demented episode , containing some terrific film sequences , most notably Graeme in the garden ( no pun intended ! ) , and Tim taking Cecily out to play . Ann Way was ' Mrs . Hall ' in the ' Fawlty Towers ' classic ' Gourmet Night ' , while Jill Riddick , who plays ' Cecily ' , was familiar to viewers as Wendy Craig's daughter ' Amanda ' in ' Not In Front Of The Children ' . Funniest moment - Tim running with a kite , and falling in the river ! |
401,171 | 7,743,887 | 803,381 | 9 | High Noon For Price ! | Terry's dad is out of jail following a six month stretch for armed robbery ( actually , he'd tried to steal a handbag in a busy high street ) . Terry boasts in a school essay that his dad intends beating up Mr . Price in revenge for him giving evidence at the trial . When Price hears of this , he is terrified . But he need not be . Mr . Stringer wants to go straight , and has forgiven Mr . Price , much to Terry's disgust . Back at Fenn Street School , Mr . Cromwell is having problems with an new intercom system . Price sends for an electrician . When he arrives , his surly manner convinces Potter he is really Mr . Stringer . . . Tony Bilbow picks up a thread begun in ' False Alarms ' . Barry is worried that he will lose face in front of his friends , but in a clever ending Price sustains a mild electrical shock whilst poking about in a fuse box . 5C thinks he has gotten his come-uppance . The late Jack Watson , who plays the electrician , appeared in numerous television shows and films , including the role of the sergeant-major in ' The Wild Geese ' . Funniest moment - Price's futile attempts to hide from the man he thinks is Stringer . |
400,893 | 7,743,887 | 803,378 | 9 | The barbarians are at the gates of Fenn Street . ! | Hedges ' latest plan to turn 5C into towering intellectual geniuses is the creation of a library , open after school hours and supervised by Potter . The caretaker isn't keen on the idea though . With him out of the way , the class are free to use the place for non-curricular activities , such as smoking and drinking . The teacher works out what they are up to and leaves behind a message on the library tape recorder , promising to throttle them using the elastic from Maureen's knickers . Hearing this , they flee from the room . More trouble comes when Hedges finds the place vandalised , and wrongly assumes that 5C are responsible . Duffy and co . track down the real culprits - a gang of yobs from 5B , led by Graham Webster , out for revenge for having earlier been brutally evicted from the library by Duffy . With a visit from the Board Of Governors imminent , Hedges tries to get the room tidy in time . . . Very good episode this . I well remember my own school library and what a joy it was to be asked to help catalogue the books therein - it usually meant a welcome respite from normal English lessons . I took dozens of books home with me , most on the subject of space exploration and astronomy , causing my teacher to assume I would become a rocket scientist when I left school . Things did not work out quite as planned - I became a chef instead ! All the cast are put to good use here , particularly Deryck Guyler's ' Potter ' and his suspicions that 5C might be smoking ' that Carnaby rubbish ' ( cannabis ) . I would love to know how 5C managed to smuggle the crates of beer into the school though ! Funniest moment - Hedges ' blustering attempts to keep the bigwigs out of the library . Second funniest moment - the look on his face when his recorded message is replayed in front of them ! |
400,617 | 7,743,887 | 803,379 | 9 | Show Us Your Belly Buttons ! | Hedges is appalled by the poor quality of the sex education 5C is receiving . Price has been using rabbits to explain the subject , leaving the class either ignorant or indifferent . Frankie is among the former ; his mother has told him that the sex act involves the belly button ( navel ) . The teacher resolves to tell Frankie the truth , but Cromwell threatens to suspend him . After much wrestling with his conscience , Hedges does so . Cromwell tries to carry out his threat , but finds himself up against the rest of the teachers , including - surprisingly - Doris Ewell . . . I do not recall sex education classes taking place at my local school , if there were any , I could not have been there that day . It was a touchy subject , with some schools adopting a Victorian moralistic stance akin to Cromwell's . This is one of John Alderton's best performances as Hedges , as it brings him into conflict with the school system . While not actually losing his temper , he is plainly horrified at Price's primitive teaching methods . Episodes like this were never attempted again after Alderton's departure , which possibly explains why the show was cancelled when it was . Funniest moment - Potter stripping wallpaper from what he believes to be Hedges ' new flat . Actually , it isn't , and everyone else is next door ! |
401,175 | 7,743,887 | 803,376 | 9 | Charity Begins At Fenn Street ! | Fenn Street School has raised a surprisingly large amount of money for charity as the result of a sponsored walk . Mr . Cromwell plans to hand it over to a bigwig named Sir Giles at a special ceremony . Then disaster strikes - the money goes missing from Cromwell's safe . Being the sort of person he is , Potter immediately suspects a pair of Irish builders currently working on the premises . In actual fact , the thief is Terry , protesting at being made to walk such a long distance for no reward . But he loses the money too . . . Quite a good episode this ( penned by Rowley and Baker ) in which all the cast members are put to good use , even Mr . Hurst . There's a neat twist at the end too . ' Sir Giles ' is played by Lockwood West , father of Timothy . Overall it feels like a throwback to the style of earlier seasons , and suggests that the changes were at last starting to work . Pity it happened too late to save the show . Funniest moment - Miss Petting fainting as the money is discovered to be missing . |
400,993 | 7,743,887 | 413,300 | 9 | Much Better Than Expected | Usually in movie franchises ( particularly superhero ones ) the third film is the one where it starts to run out of steam . This was certainly true of ' Superman 3 ' and ' Batman Forever ' - though a very enjoyable movie - was not as good as the two preceding it . So it was with some trepidation that I sat down to watch ' Spider-Man 3 ' . The first two were excellent , so how would this compare ? Very well indeed , I thought . Picking up on a plot strand from the last one , Harry Osborn is told by the ghost of his dead father that Peter Parker killed him , and that he is Spider-Man . Harry decides to carry on the family legacy by becoming the new Green Goblin . Elsewhere , a criminal named Flint Marko breaks out of prison and takes refuge in a secret testing area where he is exposed to radiation . As a result , he now has the ability to turn his body to sand . I remember ' The Sandman ' from the comics so it was good to see the character being visualised so accurately , even down to the green striped shirt . Spidey's problems are not over yet . A strange creature from outer space attaches itself to Parker while he sleeps and creates a black version of his costume which , when worn , brings out the dark side of his character , enabling Tobey Maguire to have some fun with the role . Parker sees the love of his life , Mary Jane Watson , in a new musical play on Broadway , and makes plans to ask her to marry him . But that day will have to wait . . . These diverse plot strands converge at the end in a breathtaking finale . Its pointless describing the action scenes but needless to say they are exciting indeed . The giant-sized Sandman is a truly terrifying creation . As Spidey wryly observes : " where do these guys come from ? " . Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Durst turn in their usual fine performances . The presence of ' Gwen Stacy ' did startle me somewhat though . I found myself muttering : " don't go near any bridges ! " whenever she was on screen . Stan Lee makes his usual brief cameo - nuff said ! What makes these films special though is not so much the C . G . I . but the love and care with which Sam Raimi has brought to the material . You get the impression they are not made simply for the money . At times you can almost see the comic-book pages being turned . As someone who read the Lee / Ditko originals as a boy , I was pleased with this movie . I do not know whether any more ' Spider-Man ' films will be made , but if this turns out to be the last , the series has ended on a very high note indeed . |
401,239 | 7,743,887 | 81,888 | 9 | Gee Whiz ! | U . F . O . buff Des Kinvig ( Tony Haygarth ) runs a shabby electrical shop somewhere in London . He is married to the dog-loving Netta ( Patsy Rowlands ) , and his best friend is Jim Piper ( Colin Jeavons ) , a wild-eyed loon who thinks the Government are covering up the existence of extra-terrestrial beings . One of Des ' regular customers is the beautiful but bad tempered Miss Griffin ( Prunella Gee ) . Unable to sleep one night , he takes his dog ' Cuddly ' for a walk , and encounters a flying saucer on the common . Aboard are weird-looking aliens along with - surprise , surprise - Miss Griffin , clad in sexy futuristic clothes . The ship has come from Mercury , the interior of which is hollow . The people there are descended from inhabitants of the lost city of Atlantis . Des helps them fix their ship , and it lifts off . So begins the first in a series of bizarre adventures for the electrician . . . ' Kinvig ' was the creation of Nigel Kneale , renowned as the author of the legendary ' Quatermass ' sci-fi serials for the B . B . C . In 1981 , he tried his hand at comedy - with somewhat patchy results . The idea for ' Kinvig ' was good , but alas he was not too hot at writing funny lines for the characters . The canned laughter did not help matters either . The series was shown on I . T . V . a few months after the B . B . C . ' s ' Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy ' . But whereas that programme already had an established fan base , ' Kinvig ' was left to sink or swim . It was screened on Friday evenings , directly after a U . S . import called ' Spider-Man ' starring Nicholas Hammond . The ' Spider-Man ' audience could not get its head around ' Kinvig ' , while the kind of viewers appreciative of cult comedy would not have been watching at that time . One or two I . T . V . regions yanked the show from peak-time and dumped it in a graveyard slot . It was never repeated , but came out on D . V . D . a while back . I suspect that had Kneale not written it , it would not have seen the light of the day . The cast are wonderful , particularly Tony Haygarth ( remember him as the ball-scratching ' P . C . Wilmot ' from ' Rosie ' ? ) as ' Kinvig ' , with dear Patsy Rowlands as ' Netta ' , and the splendid Colin Jeavons ( hilarious as ' Mr . Shadrach in ' Billy Liar ' ) as ' Jim ' . Prunella Gee , one of the sexiest ladies ever to grace the television screen , looked fabulous in her revealing sci-fi outfits . Patrick Newell , ' Mother ' from ' The Avengers ' , popped up as ' Mr . Horsley ' of the Bingleton Borough Council , whom Kinvig and Jim suspect of being an alien called a Xux . Simon Williams , of ' Upstairs Downstairs ' , is virtually unrecognizable as ' Buddo ' . It was never made clear whether Kinvig's close encounters with Miss Griffin were real or imaginary , but I do not think it seriously hurt the show . Kneale's hidden agenda was to poke fun at sci-fi buffs and U . F . O . freaks . He was only partially successful . Watching the show again recently , I found it amusing rather than funny . Nevertheless , its a pity that it did not get a second season . ' Red Dwarf ' was not much better in its first year , but improved over time . Michael Grade - no lover of sci-fi as his axing of ' Dr . Who ' a few years later proved - was not prepared to give ' Kinvig ' a chance . A quick mention of Nigel Hess ' superb music , he also worked on ' End Of Part One ' and ' Whoops Apocalypse ' . |
400,682 | 7,743,887 | 706,350 | 9 | Enter : Maya | One of the aggravating things about ' 1999 ' Year 2 was how it began promisingly then went rapidly downhill . The opener - ' The Metamorph ' - was by Johnny Byrne , one of the show's key writers , and directed by the reliable Charles Crichton . Set some years after the events of ' The Testament of Arkadia ' , it begins with an Eagle scouting a volcano-infested planet in search of titanium . Having found it , the Alphans are elated , but then a crisis develops . A ball of light pursues and envelops the Eagle , spiriting it off to goodness knows where . Annette Torens ( Anouska Hempel ) , wife of one of the pilots , faints ( makes a nice change from Sandra ) . Down on the planet , in his underground lair , is Mentor ( Brian Blessed giving his usual understated performance ) , creator of the biological computer ' Psyche ' . To bring the dead world back to life , Mentor is kidnapping alien pilots and draining them of intelligence . He has such a fate in mind for the Alphans . But his vivacious daughter Maya ( Catherine Schell ) is not about to let him to do this . I like this episode as it does what it says on the tin . It is action-packed , colourful and entertaining . The absence of Barry Morse's ' Professor Bergman ' is noticeable ( it would have been like Leonard Nimoy quitting ' Star Trek ' after Season 1 ) though , along with Paul Morrow ( Prentis Hancock ) , and David Kano ( Clifton James ) . Instead of Morrow , we get the late Tony Anholt as ' Tony Verdeschi ' . Where was he during Year 1 ? The script originally mentioned Bergman as having died because of a faulty space-suit , but this was deleted . However , Michael Butterworth's novelisation retains the reference . Brian Ball's Powys Media novel ' Survival ' gives a different explanation for Bergman's disappearance - benign aliens took him ( though the Alphans think he is dead ! ) . As ' Maya ' , Catherine Schell is sexy and charming , even though the arrival of the character effectively moved the show away from science fiction and into the realm of comic-strip fantasy . How nice it would have been if they could have had her and yet retained Bergman . Barry Gray's lush orchestral sounds were replaced by Derek Wadsworth's more contemporary music , resulting in the show often sounding like ' The Protectors ' . So a thumbs-up from me for ' The Metamorph ' , but what a pity the show did not live up to this standard ( especially when Fred Freiberger - the Ronald D . Moore of his day - got his hands on a typewriter ! ) . Incidentally , this was later combined with ' Space Warp ' to make a ' movie ' entitled ' Cosmic Princess ' . |
401,053 | 7,743,887 | 66,765 | 9 | I'm a lumberjack , and I'm O . K . . . . | This was the Pythons ' first attempt at a movie - made when the series was still in production - and , while in no way comparable to later classics such as ' Holy Grail ' and ' Life Of Brian ' , its good fun , and a lot better than many of the films-based-on-T . V . sitcoms made around at that time . Playboy club boss Victor Lownes put up the money , thinking the film had the potential to be a cult hit in the U . S . A . But it was not . For one thing , it was badly promoted ( John Cleese remembers seeing a strange poster of a grinning snake with a hat on . Just the sort of thing calculated to set box-office tills ringing , of course ) and anyway the Americans were hardly likely to go and see a film based on a show which ( at that point ) they had not seen . ' And Now ' is an anthology of sketches from the first two ' Monty Python ' series . Unlike ' The Best Of Benny Hill ' ( which reused original television material ) these were remakes . They included ' Crunchy Frog ' , ' Upper Class Twit Of The Year Show ' , ' Marriage Guidance Councillor ' , ' The Lumberjack Song ' , ' Sir George Head ' , ' Hungarian Phrase Book ' ' Blackmail ' , ' Self-Defence Class ' , ' Nudge Nudge ' and ' Hell's Grannies ' . Some of the items benefited from the move to film , such as ' Funniest Joke In The World ' , while others fell flat , most notably ' The Parrot Sketch ' . Michael Palin was to have reprised his role as the disgusting ' Ken Shabby ' , but Lownes insisted that the sequence be dropped . Terry Jones ' Nude Organist is seen for the first time , he went on to become a regular feature of the series . The Pythons came to regard the film as an embarrassment as it was basically a rehash of old material , but it was successful in establishing that Python humour could work on the big screen . When they made ' Holy Grail ' three years later , they were much more confidant and self-assured . In the days before the availability of Python on video and D . V . D . this film was the only reminder of the group's genius . Now its somewhat redundant , but still worth viewing . Funniest moment - tough one , this . I'll go for Palin's rendition of ' The Lumberjack Song ' mainly because I love the shocked looks on the faces of the mounties as the full meaning of the lyrics hits home . Oh , and Connie Booth is sexy too ! One complaint though - how on Earth did they manage to leave out the ' Ministry Of Silly Walks ' ? |
401,405 | 7,743,887 | 73,062 | 9 | The Goodies Movie ? | Failing spectacularly in various bids for pop stardom , the Goodies become the super-group of all time by stealing ideas from the likes of ' Wizzard ' , ' The Osmonds ' and ' The Rubettes ' . So successful are they that the Queen gives them O . B . E . ' s during a rainstorm at Buckingham Palace . A new dance called ' The Bounce ' is all the rage , and the Goodies run for Parliament as ' The Bounce Party ' , but are soundly beaten by a party which outlaws enjoyment . . . ' Goodiemania ' swept Britain in 1975 . After four successful series , and a regular spot on ' Englebert & The Young Generation ' , ' The Goodies ' suddenly crossed over from cult status to mainstream . With a new , post-watershed slot ( 9 p . m . ) , its ratings went into the stratosphere . ' The Goodies ' were voted ahead of ' The Two Ronnies ' and ' Morecambe & Wise ' in a newspaper poll to find the nation's funniest comedy team , while their books and records sold by the truckload . How did it happen ? Its been suggested that the cancellation of ' Monty Python ' the previous year helped . All the Pythoniacs who'd previously dismissed ' The Goodies ' as a kids ' show tuned in , and saw it wasn't really that much different . I think this explanation tells only half the story . The fact is the fifth season was simply brilliant . ' The Movies ' , ' Kung Fu Kapers ' , ' Bunfight At The O . K . Tearooms ' , ' The End ' and ' Scatty Safari ' are outstanding examples of the show . ' Goodies Rule-O . K . ? ' was a fitting climax to a wonderful year for the team . It wasn't the first Christmas special they'd made ; ' The Goodies ' Travelling Five-Minute Christmas ' holds that honour , but was the first not to be Christmas-themed . It has no unifying plot , it simply moves from one bizarre happening to another , any one of which would have made for a typical episode - the overall effect is akin to watching one of those compilations made from the ' Carry On ' films . As a result , ' O . K . ' never enjoyed the popularity as say , ' The Goodies & The Beanstalk ' . In fact I remember it being repeated only the once . A number of gags about Harold Wilson ( the then Prime Minister ) resulted in ' O . K . ' looking dated only a short time after its original broadcast ( he resigned in 1976 ) . Even so , there's a lot of fun to be had here and it provides a tantalizing glimpse of what a ' Goodies ' feature film might have looked like . Funniest moment - it has to be the Goodies ' battle with Dougal from ' The Magic Roundabout ' ! Amazing , even after all these years ! |
401,043 | 7,743,887 | 90,729 | 9 | Yo , Biggles ! | Cards on the table time - I have not read the ' Biggles ' books by Captain W . E . Johns . I remember seeing them on sale in the children's book department of W . H . Smiths back in the 1970's , but never plucked up the courage to actually buy one . I was more into the ' Nick Carter - Killmaster ' novels . I assumed the ' Biggles ' books to be jingoistic relics from the days when England was alleged to have ruled the waves ( and skies ) , the sort of stories Grandad read as a boy . But that was then . Around the end of the decade , a feature film was mooted , starring John Cleese in the title role . Though it would have been interesting seeing the star of one flying circus in yet another , it never happened . Dudley Moore's name next came up in connection with the project . Fine if they wanted to send up the character , but not for an allegedly straight adaptation . Appearing on Granada's ' Clapperboard ' to talk about the Robert Powell version of ' The Thirty-Nine Steps ' ( which he had adapted ) , writer Michael Robson stated that he was currently working on a screenplay for ' Biggles ' . As he said it , he looked faintly embarrassed . The problem in bringing ' Biggles ' to the Silver Screen was that the character ( indeed the genre ) had been sent up rotten over the years by , amongst other things , ' Monty Python ' , ' Ripping Yarns ' , and Russ Abbot . Just put a comedian in a World War One flying suit ( with goggles ) give him a handlebar moustache , make him talk thus : " Wizard Prang ! What larks ! Shot down two Fokkers over the Channel . One did a belly flop over the teddy bear ! " and the audience would be certain to die laughing . In 1986 , a ' Biggles ' movie finally appeared . The writers decided to bring in a sci-fi element in an effort to grab some of the ' Back To The Future ' audience . It starts in the then-present day with Jim Ferguson , an ad man based in New York , who is being stalked by a mysterious Englishman , Colonel Raymond , played by the great Peter Cushing ( in what turned out to be his last role ) . Ferguson keeps jumping back in time for no apparent reason , to 1917 , where he meets flying ace James Bigglesworth , or ' Biggles ' for short . Biggles has discovered that the Germans have invented a new sonic device capable of mass destruction . So back and forth goes poor old Jim . One minute he's in N . Y . extolling the virtues of T . V . dinners , the next up to his neck in blood and mud in W . W . 1 France , working alongside Biggles , who apparently is his ' time twin ' . In one amusing scene , Jim dresses as a W . W . 1 soldier and waits in his hotel room to be blasted back to Biggles ' side , but it never happens . A cleaner finds him the next morning and laughs at him . Neil Dickson is not on screen enough of the time to warrant his top billing , which is a pity as he's terrific in the role of ' Biggles ' . Most of the film is devoted to Alex Hyde-White ( son of Wilfrid ) as ' Jim ' . He's okay , but I wish that the focus of the story was more on the title character . The action scenes , while not as good as those of say ' Raiders Of The Lost Ark ' , are nevertheless exciting . One particularly good moment has a helicopter containing Biggles and Jim winding up in 1917 , where it comes in handy against the Germans . There's also a very emotional scene in 1986 where elderly Colonel Raymond is reunited with Biggles , the latter not having aged a day since they last met . Overall this is an enjoyable romp , but it is a shame that its makers did not have the confidence to make this a real ' Biggles ' movie , instead of trying to shoehorn him into a daft sci-fi story . Ironically , the 1917 scenes have dated far less badly than the 1980's stuff . The rock soundtrack was another mistake . The director was John Hough , whose other credits include ' The Legend Of Hell House ' and the Hammer movie ' Twins Of Evil ' , as well as episodes of ' The Avengers ' television series . ' Biggles ' was dumped on by critics and ignored by the public when it came out , but now seems quite charming . Interestingly , around the time of its release , I spotted a young boy coming out of a library with a heavy looking book - an omnibus edition of ' Biggles ' . If the film , for all its faults , inspired someone to seek out and read the original stories then it could not have been a waste of time after all . I may give them a go myself one day . |
401,104 | 7,743,887 | 617,036 | 9 | The Girl From Nowhere | At Dr . Denholt's clinic , suicide victim Jane Brown is resuscitated using an experimental drug . Her memory gone , she cannot tell anyone why she took her own life . All anyone knows is that she was found in a seedy hotel room , crouched before a gas fire . To remain alive , Jane must receive regular injections of the drug . Paul Amory is entrusted with the task of looking after her . As weeks pass , her intelligence levels increase , and fragments of her memory come back . He begins to fall for her . But , in Cambridge , she panics and , fleeing from Paul , attempts to gas herself again . There is a mystery here , one which Paul is determined to solve . . . Anthony Skene penned one of the best ' Prisoner ' episodes - ' A , B & C ' - which funnily enough also opened with a sheet-covered body taken to a laboratory and given an experimental drug . Remove the fantasy element and this psychological drama could easily have fitted into A . B . C . ' s ' The Human Jungle ' . Good central performance from Stefanie Powers as the child-like ' Jane ' . Its a pity that she did not get more decent roles , instead of being mired in the quagmire of ' Hart To Hart ' for years . Also in the cast is the late Alan McNaughton , who appeared in ' The Avengers ' and the Granada sitcom ' Yanks Go Home ' . Nice location shooting in Cambridge , and a pleasant soundtrack by Bob Leaper . |
400,968 | 7,743,887 | 617,035 | 9 | Dennis & His Dummy ! | Albert Baker is trapped in a world of romantic fantasy . But his attempts to play the great lover backfire each time . Falling out with his current girlfriend , he walks home alone . In the display window of a London department store , he spots an unusually attractive dummy . It comes to life , and smiles at him . So smitten is Albert that he gets a job at the store as a dresser . He calls the dummy ' Eve ' , and in his imagination they act out every romantic situation imaginable . For the first time in his life , he is happy . But Mr . Royal , his boss , announces his intention to replace the store's stock of dummies , meaning that Eve is bound for the furnace . . . Adapted from the story ' Special Delivery ' by John Collier , ' Eve ' sounds like an ideal premise for a comedy , and indeed there is some amusement to be had in watching the Dennis Waterman character romancing Eve in soft focus and slow motion , but the episode also works as a study in psychology . ' Albert ' goes insane because his dreams won't come true , and his madness leads him to ( accidentally ) commit murder . When Eve comes to life , she is played by the beautiful American actress Carol Lynley , and though mostly mute manages to convey emotion using a variety of expressions and gestures . Dennis Waterman was a good five years or so away from ' The Sweeney ' and a decade before ' Minder ' . He is excellent as ' Albert ' , at times reminding one of Tom Courtenay's ' Billy Liar ' . That wonderful actor Michael Gough plays ' Mr . Royal ' . One question though - how did Albert manage to get Eve away from London without attracting attention ? The premise of shop window dummies coming to life was also explored in the ' Twilight Zone ' episode ' The After Hours ' , as well as the ' Dr . Who ' classic ' Spearhead From Space ' . ' Eve ' is more whimsical , but no less gripping , and ends on a tragic note . |
400,876 | 7,743,887 | 698,847 | 9 | Anarchy In The U . K . | ' Shades Of Greene ' was an I . T . V . anthology series based on the works of Graham Greene . The episode which most sticks in my mind was the last of the first season - ' The Destructors ' - which was adapted by the recently deceased John Mortimer and directed by Michael Apted . Set in ' 50's Britain , it tells the story of Trevor ( Nicholas Drake ) , a young grammar school boy , who is both unloved by his parents and friendless . His main hobby is British military history . Trevor is keen to be ' a big fish in a small pond ' and so he becomes a member of a gang of ruffians ( among them a pre-'Quadrophenia ' Phil Daniels ) . He does not fit in with them initially . They laugh at his posh-sounding name , necessitating a change to the harder sounding ' Big T ' . Trevor comes up with a plan - namely to break into the home of an old age pensioner when he is away on holiday and trash the place . This they do . Cups are broken , books torn up , pictures smashed , even the old man's war medals are callously stamped on . Everything the man ever owned is destroyed . Throughout the carnage , Trevor is in full command , spurring his ' army ' on to ever greater acts of vandalism . When the old man returns , he is understandably horrified , but as there were no witnesses no-one is formally charged . Trevor returns to school . The gang follows him there and yell at him through the railings , demanding more leadership , but he completely ignores them . His moment of glory is over . There were protests galore when this was first screened . Many felt it was an incitement to youngsters to commit copy-cat crimes . It did not happen though as ' Shades Of Greene ' had little appeal for the young . I recall being shocked at the trashing of the old man's home - it had a savagery that I had never seen on television before . These boys were determined to destroy everything he valued , and did so . And no-one got caught or punished for it . The political subtext was plain for all to see . By wrecking the old man's house , Trevor and his gang were in effect conducting their own ' revolution ' against the establishment . However one wished to interpret it , ' The Destructors ' was a disturbing and memorable piece of television . |
401,106 | 7,743,887 | 617,049 | 9 | Programmed To Kill | Inga Madison is the creator of ' Computex ' , a computer with the ability to think faster than the human mind . Her husband , Ralph , suspects her of having an affair with the handsome Stuart Crosbie , and hires a private detective to keep tabs on her . His worst fears are confirmed . Ralph uses Computex to devise an ingenious method of murdering Inga , in such a way that it appears accidental . When Inga next tries to enter the Computex building , the security system will short-circuit , causing her to be electrocuted . But something goes wrong . Ralph is killed instead . . . Computers with big egos were very much in vogue in late ' 60's film and television . Stanley Kubrick's ' 2001 : A Space Odyssey ' had HAL-9000 killing the crew of a ship bound for Jupiter ; ' Colossus : The Forbin Project ' warned of the dangers of entrusting nuclear defence systems to machines . Here ' Computex ' , ostensibly used to plot a murder , begins acting independently of orders . As one would expect , the technology now looks prehistoric , but its a gripping story all the same . Future ' Dallas ' star Barbara Bel Geddes occupies the role of ' Inga Madison ' . Sue Lloyd , of ' The Baron ' , is her associate ' Barbara Rossiter ' . Jack Hedley , who plays insurance investigator ' Adam Frost ' , was reunited with writer Michael J . Bird in 1977 for the romantic thriller ' Who Pays The Ferryman ? ' . Allan Cuthbertson , a . k . a . ' Ralph Madison ' , was in numerous dramas and comedies , usually cast as smooth villains , as well as appearing ( as himself ) in ' The Tommy Cooper Hour ' . Directed by Rex Firkin , future executive producer of ' Budgie ' . |
401,569 | 7,743,887 | 617,048 | 9 | Stalked By The Seaside ! | Barbara King , a young American woman , checks in at the Beach Hotel , Hastings . Unfortunately , her hopes for a peaceful holiday ( she is recovering from a breakdown brought on by over-work and a failed romance ) fade almost immediately . As she sleeps , a mysterious figure in hat and glasses enters her room , and approaches the bed . By the time she has attracted help , the stranger is gone . Suspicion falls on Mr . Plimmer , a middle-aged man staying with his wife . But the Plimmers move out a day later . Barbara learns that the husband of the hotel's owner , Joan Walker , went insane years ago and had to be put away . Could he be lurking somewhere about the house , possibly hiding in the permanently locked room next to the linen cupboard ? Written by Alfred Shaughnessy , later to write for ' Upstairs , Downstairs ' , this is a suspenseful episode , benefitting from nice location work and good performances , especially the late Kay Walsh as the alcoholic landlady , and Geoffrey ' Catweazle ' Bayldon as creepy ' Mr . Plimmer ' . Its never explained though just what Barbara is doing in England in the first place . Patty Duke gives an adequate performance . Spot The Future Star ; ' Peggy ' the maid is played by Sally James , she of ' The Almost Legendary Pop Interviews ' from the ' 70's children's show ' Tiswas ' . Its tempting to think the Phantom Flan Flinger might be the stalker , but that theory does not hold water ( rather like the buckets Sally and Chris Tarrant used to wield ) . The denouement is not really much of a surprise ( not many suspects on view for a start ) , and the final wrap-up scene evokes ' Psycho ' . The title refers to the fact that Barbara is the last visitor of the holiday season . |
401,107 | 7,743,887 | 617,047 | 9 | Death Behind Glass | Jimmy Rintoul wishes to become a composer , but his prospective manager , the trendy Rollo Verdew , has no money to promote him . Noticing Jimmy's dead butterfly collection ( he kills them by means of a jar he calls a ' killing bottle ' ) , an evil idea forms in Rollo's mind . He invites Jimmy to stay at his wealthy brother Randolph's country house . Randolph is somewhat unbalanced . He will kill anyone - or anything - he knows has been cruel to living things . Rollo is gambling on Randolph losing his mind on seeing Jimmy demonstrating the killing bottle . With him put away for life , the estate will be entirely his . . . Based on a story by L . P . Hartley , this tale of murder , madness , and greed is pretty offbeat . It never occurs to Randolph that murder is in itself an act of cruelty . The ending - in which Rollo has a change of heart following a hastily blurted-out ultimatum from his girlfriend - is rather unconvincing . As I have not read the original short story , I do not know if Julian Bond was faithful to it or not . There's no American guest-star in this episode . Roddy McDowall was familiar enough across the Atlantic ( in films such as ' Planet Of The Apes ' ) to take the lead here , while future ' Doctor In The House ' star Barry Evans plays the naive ' Jimmy ' . William Marlowe steals the show as the deranged ' Randolph ' , a man outwardly normal until he sees cruelty displayed towards animals or even insects . The scene in which Jimmy puts the butterfly in the killing bottle as the others look on is disturbing even now . |
400,967 | 7,743,887 | 617,046 | 9 | The Jerry Crown Affair ! | London-based private detective Jerry Crown is handsome , intelligent , and a wow with the ladies . About the only thing he is not is rich . Joyce , his present girlfriend , works as secretary to a fabulously wealthy American widow by the name of Leona Gillings , a devout believer in the supernatural . Leona wishes to communicate with her late husband Howard , but is fearful of being taken for a ride by the numerous fakes and fraudsters purporting to be mediums . Jerry accompanies her to a séance , and exposes a carefully worked-out scam . Leona is impressed with his shrewdness , and soon the couple grow very close . But Jerry is a bit of a fraud himself , seeing Leona as his meal ticket . Even Joyce is disgusted by his deceit . Then Jerry meets his match in the shape of Miss Sarah Prinn , a genuine spiritualist . . . The name ' Robert Bloch ' has become ( for obvious reasons ) synonymous with that of his most famous novel ' Psycho ' . He also penned a number of original screenplays and television scripts ( including the ' Catspaw ' episode of ' Star Trek ' ) , of which this is one . It was directed by Roy Ward Baker , one of Hammer's best directors . Two years later , they worked together again on the Amicus multi-storey horror picture ' Asylum ' . Tom Adams , future star of ' The Enigma Files ' , plays Jerry Crown , a private eye bent on fleecing his rich client . Adams brings to the character the same laconic style he brought to the role of secret agent ' Charles Vine ' . I could have cheerfully watched him all day exposing fraudulent spiritualists . A series starring Adams as ' Jerry Crown ' would definitely have been welcomed by me . Of course , the conclusion of this story made such a notion impossible . Julie Harris , who plays ' Leona ' , was no stranger to tales of the supernatural , having appeared in Robert Wise's classic ' The Haunting ' in 1963 . Estelle Parsons , a . k . a . ' Miss Sarah Prinn ' , starred opposite Boris Karloff in Michael Reeves ' cult classic ' The Sorcerers ' two years earlier . |
401,570 | 7,743,887 | 617,044 | 9 | A Portrait Of Evil | Wartime London . Crichton , a young serviceman , rushes home to tell fiancé Alison Benedict the good news - he has obtained leave and a marriage licence . He finds her in bed with an American . Shocked , he runs off . Moments later , the house is partially destroyed in an air raid . Years pass . The rebuilt property is sold to Jon Holden , an American artist , and his girlfriend Kit Beaumont . Jon becomes fascinated by a portrait of a beautiful woman on the living room wall . It is of the late Alison . Though dead for twenty-five years , her presence can still be felt there . Jon finds a scarf impregnated with her favourite scent . Kit cuts herself on a nail sticking out of a wooden box - it had been taken out a short time before . She slips on the stairs and takes a nasty fall . Are these merely accidents - or deliberate ? Jon himself undergoes a change of personality , becoming moody and withdrawn . He spends his time sketching Alison . Despite never having met her , the likeness is uncanny . . . The late Robert Lansing stars as ' Jon Holden ' . He would go on to be ' Control ' in the ' 80's action show ' The Equaliser ' starring Edward Woodward . His girlfriend , Kit , is played by the scrumptious Gabrielle Drake . I do not know whether it was deliberate or not , but here the actress looks dowdy , a contrast to her later role as ' Lieutenant Gay Ellis ' in Gerry Anderson's ' U . F . O . ' . Maybe that silver suit and purple wig helped . Amongst the cast is John Fraser as their friend ' Derek ' . Fraser appeared in countless films and television shows over the years , amongst them the ' Dr . Who ' story ' Logopolis ' ( Tom Baker's final story ) as ' The Monitor . Future ' Eastenders ' star Gretchen Franklin plays the housekeeper Mrs . Barrett . Don Chaffey achieves some disturbing imagery , such as the blood from Kit's arm dripping into a sink and slowly filling the screen . We never really get to see Alison . She's seen only from behind and her mocking laughter fails to evoke any menace . The pictures were by Brenda Dury . The ending can be seen coming a mile off . I was hoping that Kit would destroy the portrait and thus break Alison's hold over Jon . No such luck . An engaging instalment , all the same . |
401,122 | 7,743,887 | 617,043 | 9 | Man Or Monster ? | Charles and Margaret Wilson have a teenage son they refer to only as ' Boy ' . He is a mutant , the next stage in human evolution . Outwardly he is perfectly normal , except for a curious lack of fingernails . He is blessed ( cursed ? ) with strange psychic powers - he can make people do what he wants just by thinking about it . ' Boy ' is being hunted by those wishing to study him . The Wilsons are constantly moving from one place to another , they can never settle down anywhere for long because the authorities are on their trail . He meets and is attracted to Paula Wilde , a struggling American actress . She introduces him to her greedy agent Sonny , who sees ' Boy ' as a meal ticket . . . This intriguing David Campton story was not new to television viewers ; the B . B . C . ' s highly regarded ' Out Of The Unknown ' did an adaptation in 1965 starring Richard O'Callaghan as ' Boy ' with Justine Lord as ' Paula ' . Not having seen that earlier version , I cannot make comparisons . Like the Marvel Comic ' The X-Men ' , ' Stranger ' touches on the theme of mutants - people who look like us but who are different - and how they are regarded with fear and mistrust by an uncomprehending Mankind . Anthony Corlan ( later to change his surname to ' Higgins ' ) gives a moody , compelling performance as the tormented ' Boy ' . He later appeared in Hammer's ' Vampire Circus ' . American actress Janice Rule ( a talented lady who sadly never got the roles she deserved ) is excellent as the object of his affections . Also in the cast are Glynn Edwards ( ' Dave ' the barman from ' Minder ' ) and Gerald Sim ( the vicar in ' To The Manor Born ' ) . Directed by Peter Duffell , whose other television credits include ' Strange Report ' and ' Man In A Suitcase ' . |
400,962 | 7,743,887 | 617,040 | 9 | Beware ' The Whelp ' ! | Teacher Craig Miller is surprised when his pupil Rodney Blake makes an unusually good sketch . The boy had previously displayed no artistic ability whatever . When Blake is attacked in class , he stares at his attacker in an unnerving manner - the terrified boy crashes through a window . Miller and another teacher , Jill Collins , explore Blake's background . His parents came from Australia , and adopted Rodney when they moved to England . Rodney is one of identical quins , each living with different families , each blessed with a remarkable talent , such as the ability to draw , or play the piano . A psychic link connects the boys - when one feels anger , they all do . Rather more worryingly , they are equipped with terrifying mental powers - they can make people believe they are seeing what is not really there . Steven , one of the boys , lives in the wilds like an animal , and terrorises the local community . He is thoroughly evil , and appears to be controlling his brothers . . . Unusually , this episode was adapted not from a short story , but a novel - and a rather good one - by Leslie P . Davies . Watching it now its hard not to be reminded of ' Village Of The Damned ' or ' The Omen ' - although that latter movie was a good six years in the future when this was made . Rather than turning out to be sons of Satan , the boys are the product of Nazi genetic experiments . Roderick and Barnaby Shaw play the quins ( with a little help from nifty camera trickery ) . Michael Tolan is the teacher ' Craig Miller ' . He was no stranger to sci-fi , having appeared in the ' Outer Limits ' classic ' The Zanti Misfits ' . Nanette Newman , very pretty but alas the worst actress of all time , is ' Jill Collins ' - her performance seems to be a dry run for the one she gave in ' The Stepford Wives ' . Good old Michael Ripper , a Hammer regular , plays ( what else ? ) a publican . Directed by James Hill , responsible for ' Born Free ' and one of the best episodes of ' The Avengers ' - ' A Touch Of Brimstone ' . |
401,048 | 7,743,887 | 612,728 | 9 | We don't want you to spy . . . we want you to steal ! | In a hotel in Lisbon , two sinister looking men enter an elevator , one with a briefcase chained to his wrist . When the doors open , a third man - wearing a mask and carrying a gun - backs out , the briefcase now in his possession . Another man , also armed , approaches him from behind . The would-be thief hands the case over before trying to make a break for it . He falls down the elevator shaft . Four S . I . A . agents have died while attempting to discover what is in the diplomatic pouch of a foreign power . Noah Bain decides to recruit from outside the organisation ; as a cop , he arrested notorious cat burglar Alexander Mundy , so he paroles him and installs him in a lavish house with three beautiful girls for company . There's just one catch - each room is fitted out with cameras and microphones , making sex impossible for Mundy unless he wants an audience . Aboard a plane , Mundy poses as a loud tourist . He douses the lights long enough for him to switch cases with the Embassy officials . They come after him , and , with guns blazing , chase him across the airfield . Mundy escapes by clinging onto the undercarriage of a landing plane . The pouch held photographs of S . I . A . agents ; obviously someone in the organisation has gone bad . Noah is more interested in the fact that Mundy's actions have triggered an international incident . He tries to have Mundy returned to jail , but with the help of glamorous S . I . A . agent Clare Vickers , the thief escapes and sets out to discover who the traitor is . . . Produced under the title ' Magnificent Thief ' , this is the pilot to the popular thriller series ' It Takes A Thief ' , which starred Robert Wagner as burglar turned reluctant spy ' Alexander Mundy ' and Malachi Throne as spy chief ' Noah Bain ' . It is one of those shows which although successful at the time appears to have been virtually forgotten here in the U . K . While ' Batman ' and ' Star Trek ' have been endlessly repeated since the 1960's , this has been left to gather dust on a shelf . One could be forgiven for assuming that the reason for this is that the show itself is not terribly good , but a viewing of the pilot immediately shoots down that theory . Directed by Leslie Stevens ( creator of ' The Outer Limits ' ) , with a script by him and Roland Kibbee , this is a stylish T . V . movie , rather like ' Mission : Impossible ' only more fun . Robert Wagner brings charm to the role of ' Mundy ' , an incorrigible rogue in the mold of Roger Moore's ' The Saint ' . As his boss , Malachi Throne is equally impressive . John Saxon is as menacing as ever as the ( disfigured ) villain . ' Clare Vickers ' ( if this had been a British film , just imagine what fun the hero could have had with a name like that ! ) is played by sex-bomb Senta Berger , whose other contributions to the genre include ' The Quiller Memorandum ' and the Matt Helm picture ' The Ambushers ' . In cameo guest roles are James Drury and Doug McClure ( stars of the Western series ' The Virginian ' ) as airport ticket officers , while a pre ' Airplane ! ' Leslie Neilsen deadpans as an S . I . A . security officer . Susan Saint James ( future ' MacMillan & Wife ' co-star ) is seen as a stewardess . Some good set-pieces include the briefcase theft , airport chase , and climactic shoot-out at Expo 68 . Its surprisingly violent for a T . V . movie too , with one of the bad-guys getting a javelin in the chest . But its Wagner's laid-back performance which makes the whole thing such enjoyable viewing . This was made as just the television spy craze ( which began with ' The Man From U . N . C . L . E ' ) was winding down , which meant that thriller shows were edging their way back to reality . The ingredients for a hit television show were put in place , and ' It Takes A Thief ' did not disappoint , running for three seasons . |
400,823 | 7,743,887 | 283,396 | 9 | I'm Dreaming Of A Blue ( Peter ) Christmas | This was a lame excuse to run the bits that didn't get into ' I Love The ' 70's ' the previous summer . Again the Z-listers were trotted out to tell us what they once got for Christmas , or rather what they would have got had they been alive then . The main attraction for us forty-somethings was seeing John Noakes , Peter Purves and Valerie Singleton again , acting as though they'd never been away from ' Blue Peter ' . As a matter of fact , the Titanic Three enjoyed the reunion so much they wanted to do a nostalgia series , but the mean old B . B . C . wouldn't let them . I suppose its asking too much for a nostalgia show to actually exhibit affection for the past , as young people - who these shows are mostly aimed at - are so full of spite and hatred they won't watch anything about the ' 70's unless its done with a sneer . It wasn't until Channel 5's 2006 series ' The 70's : The Decade That Was ' that an honest depiction of the era was finally presented . About time too . Only an idiot would dismiss an entire decade as rubbish . |
401,189 | 7,743,887 | 103,577 | 9 | Virtually Forgotten | ' Virtual Murder ' crept into the B . B . C . - 1 schedules in the summer of 1992 where , unsurprisingly , it went unnoticed . A brave attempt to do an offbeat mystery series in the manner of ' The Avengers ' , it starred the late Nicholas Clay as Dr . John Cornelius , a brilliant professor who specialises in investigating baffling crimes ( such as someone using a sonic device to melt great works of art , or a man dressed as Santa dumping a skeleton in a police station ) , assisted by glamorous Samantha Valentine ( Kim Thomson ) . Cornelius got through six cases before the B . B . C . called time . Its cancellation was a great shame ; Clay and Thomson had sexual chemistry , the scripts were clever ( Philip Martin of ' Gangsters ' fame wrote one : ' Meltdown To Murder ' ) and guest-stars included Bernard Bresslaw , Julian Clary , Hywel Bennett , Richard Todd , and Tony Robinson . ' A Torch For Silverado ' featured the late Jon Pertwee in his last television role . To add insult to injury , this fine show has yet to appear on U . K . Gold , much less D . V . D . |
401,658 | 7,743,887 | 395,829 | 9 | Excellent Comedy | An egg-timer full of eggs . That was the curious image which opened ' After That , This ' week after week , and it set the tone for what followed . More whimsical than satirical , the sketches tried to ape ' Python ' slightly by dispensing with punchlines . In one , Bron disrupts a dinner party by pretending to be a cat . In another , Bird finds Bron dying of thirst in the desert and instead of going for help indulges in vacuous upper-class chit-chat . Another , told in the form of opera , has Bron's masseuse fretting that the client she has just made love to ( Fowlds ) might be her long-lost son . My favourite featured Bron as Fanny Cradock , playing at being a T . V . surgeon , with Bird as her inebriated husband Johnny . The humour was more sophisticated than what else was on offer at the time , and everyone played their parts brilliantly , particularly Bron , whose breathtaking talent for detailed comic characterisations was never used to better effect than here . |
400,978 | 7,743,887 | 71,057 | 9 | Eric Chappell's Forgotten Sitcom | I hope ' The Squirrels ' never return . It drove me nuts ! went a letter in ' The People ' newspaper in 1976 . I suppose it was inevitable that someone would make a crack like that , about a show with such a daft title . Writer / creator Eric Chappell described it as being about ' the paranoia and lust for promotion of white-collar workers in confined spaces . " . He based the show on his experiences as a travelling auditor with the East Midlands Electricity Board . It was his first sitcom hit , the pilot being screened just ahead of the first series of ' Rising Damp ' . Set in the accounts department of International Rentals , a television hire company , it focused on the lives of a motley group of characters ; ' Mr . Fletcher ' was the boss , splendidly played by Bernard Hepton ( his first T . V . role since ' Colditz ' ) as a bow-tied , bespectacled lecher , his underling was the nervous ' Rex ' ( the wonderful Ken Jones from ' Porridge ' ) , ' Harry ' ( Phil Silvers-lookalike Alan David ) was always on the make , and then there was ' Burke ' ( Ellis Jones from the children's sitcom ' Pardon My Genie ' ) who read Dracula comics when he was meant to be working . Being a ' 70's sitcom with an office setting , there just had to be a sexy secretary , and was - ' Carol ' ( Karin McCarthy ) , whom Fletcher was always lusting after . Rex was married to downtrodden but sympathetic Susan ( Patsy Rowlands - who was also in ' Bless This House ' when this was made ) . In one episode , Rex had to attend a company conference , which meant him spending time away from home . Susan dutifully packed his belongs , and then secretly followed him to ensure he got up to no naughty business . In another , Rex got so fed up that he resigned , before applying for a similar job . He later found that it was his old job he was applying for . In yet another , Rex meets an old friend and rival ( Philip Madoc ) whom has fallen on hard times and is forced to play ' The Sugar Balls Man ' for a breakfast cereal company . Wanting to get time off to watch cricket on television in another episode , Rex feigns illness , only to do the job too well - everyone back at the office thinks he has died . It was a standard sitcom , though good fun , boasting a good cast and some wonderful lines . When Harry complains about Rex's habit of having his hair cut on the firm's time , Rex responds : " Why not ? It grows on the firm's time ! " . The only annoying aspect was the obvious canned laughter - a problem that dogged all sitcoms made by A . T . V . After two seasons , Chappell relinquished the writing duties to others , such as future ' Grange Hill ' creator Phil Redmond , actor Kenneth Cope , and Alan Hackney . In 1991 , Yorkshire Television remade it as ' Fiddlers Three ' starring Peter Davison and Paula Wilcox , but it was nowhere near as good . Apart from the pilot , the show still exists , and may be seen by a new audience someday . I just hope no-one expects it to be anything like ' The Office ' . Why do I have the awful feeling that ' Fiddlers Three ' will see the light of D . V . D . first ? |
401,521 | 7,743,887 | 75,561 | 9 | ' The Professionals ' Was The Real McCoy | Alongside ' The Sweeney ' , ' The Professionals ' is probably the best-remembered British action series of the 1970's . It was created by Brian Clemens , and followed hot on the heels of ' The New Avengers ' . Martin Shaw and Lewis Collins had appeared together in an episode ( ' Obsession ' ) . I was not immediately won over by ' The Professionals ' . I had the impression that Clemens had taken some left-over ' New Avengers ' scripts , scrubbed out the names ' Steed ' , ' Gambit ' and ' Purdey ' , and substituted ' Bodie ' , ' Doyle ' , and ' Cowley ' . Certainly the Russian agents in ' The Female Factor ' looked and sounded like they had come straight from that show . Even some of Laurie Johnson's incidental music sounded indistinguishable . I was not alone in my cynicism . A letter writer to ' The People ' newspaper soon after its debut claimed that ' Gordon Jackson was badly miscast ' and that the show was basically ' the poor man's Starsky & Hutch ' . The hit U . S . show starring David Soul and Paul Michael Glaser was declining in popularity in the U . K . as ' The Professionals ' debuted . I recall my school friends suddenly raving about this new show and going silent on the subject of Huggy Bear's pals . Despite initial misgivings , I stuck with ' The Professionals ' and am glad that I did because it improved as it went along . The ratings went up in spite of tough competition from B . B . C . - 1's equally violent ' Gangsters ' . Later on it would be pitted against the popular private eye drama ' Shoestring ' . The premise was this ; George Cowley ( Gordon Jackson ) is the head of C15 , an organisation set up to combat terrorism . His top agents are Bodie ( Lewis Collins ) and Doyle ( Martin Shaw ) . That was really all there was to it . The show boasted lots of exciting action ( violent even by today's standards ) , guest-stars such as a pre-'Not The Nine O'Clock News ' Pamela Stephenson , one of the best theme tunes ever , a pair of personable leads , and some pretty good scripts . Particularly memorable were ' In The Public Interest ' in which C15 investigates an ( unnamed ) city where a zero tolerance policy to crime has unfortunately given rise to massive police corruption ; and ' The Rack ' where C15's very existence is questioned , and Cowley has to make an impassioned plea to a court to preserve the anonymity of an informer . ' Heroes ' had witnesses to a robbery coming under threat from the underworld when a newspaper foolishly printed their names . One episode - ' Klansman ' - dealt with racism and was deemed too controversial to broadcast . Shaw and Collins made a good team , and Jackson gave solid support in what was basically a thankless role . The show predictably drew complaints on account of its violence , but fans seemed not to mind . Yes , it took a simplistic approach to serious issues such as terrorism , and there was virtually no character development , but it managed to be good entertainment . It ran for five years in all , totalling 57 episodes . ' The Two Ronnies ' did a funny parody called ' Tinker , Taylor , Smiley , Doyle ' in which Ronnie Corbett's ' Doyle ' got a new partner in the shape of Ronnie Barker's mild-mannered ' George Smiley ' . And , of course , ' The Comic Strip Presents ' gave us ' The Bullshitters ' ! Though repeats were blocked for many years by Martin Shaw , ' The Professionals ' is now to be found on ' I . T . V . - 4 ' ( with heavily edited editions going out in afternoon slots ) and before that , ' Granada Plus ' . Despite changing public tastes , its popularity has endured . With the arrival of ' Life On Mars ' on B . B . C . - 1 in 2006 , the genre of hard-bitten ' 70's crime telly was effectively exhumed . Viewers could once again see men being men , and women either being shot , beaten up or taken to bed . ' The Professionals ' though was the real McCoy . |
401,216 | 7,743,887 | 675,781 | 9 | The End Of An Era | Its 5C's last day at Fenn St . School and , as you'd expect , they can't wait to see the back of the place . Hedges asks Price to be best man at his forthcoming wedding and , in so doing , offends Potter , who had had his heart set on the job . To console the caretaker , Hedges offers him the role of Chief Usher , assuring him it is a more important responsibility . Hedges also manages to upset 5C when he says he plans to forget them . In revenge , they lock him in Potter's boiler room . As assembly gets underway , Hedges attempts to signal his predicament by tapping on the pipes . . . The final episode of Season Three effectively marked the end of the show's golden era , and though the gang resurfaced in the ' And Everyone Came Too ' Christmas Special ( in which Hedges finally married Penny ) , the movie , the fourth season episode ' Old Fennians Day ' ( with Carol Hawkins replacing Penny Spencer as ' Sharon ' ) , and the spin-off series , things would never be the same at Fenn Street School again . The climax is virtually identical to the finale of ' To Sir With Love ' ( Hedges is given a present by his class , and meets one of the new intake ) , though without the sentimentality . Funniest moment - Hedges emerging from the boiler room smack in the middle of Mr . Cromwell's address to the school ! |
401,218 | 7,743,887 | 675,783 | 9 | My Dad Won't Let Me Work At The Brewery ! | With 5C's time at Fenn St . School drawing to a close , the pupils have to start thinking about work . To everyone's amazement , Frankie lands a job in a private detective agency - but as a tea-boy . It does not stop him from fantasising about being Humphrey Bogart , however . After failing to secure a job , Dennis is demoralised , so Mr . Hedges decides to help him . Noticing that he is good with animals , the kindly teacher suggests he work as stable boy at a local brewery . The owner agrees to give him a three-month trial . Dennis is elated - but there's a fly in the ointment . Dennis ' father is dead against the idea , on account of the fact that one of the brewery's pubs refused him credit . Angered , Mr . Hedges prepares for a showdown with the drunken , violent David Dunstable . . . The seeds of ' The Fenn Street Gang ' were sown with this episode . It does seem odd that two seemingly unemployable pupils should get jobs so quickly ! Mr . Dunstable's unreasonable behaviour upsets not just Hedges , but everyone in the school . Duffy is ready to beat seven bells out of him , while both Mr . Price and Miss Ewell call him a ' bastard ' ( an uncommon word in a prime-time sitcom in those days ) . Hedges ' rage boils over and , for a moment , it looks as though the mild-mannered teacher is going to turn violent . Ultimately though , its Dennis who breaks his drunkard father's nose , bringing about a reluctant change of heart . Its a unusually powerful scene . Fine acting from John Alderton , Peter Bayliss and Peter Denyer here . Funniest moment - Abbott turning up for school as ' Hank Abbott - Private Eye ' ! |
401,073 | 7,743,887 | 675,776 | 9 | What Did You Do In The War , Mr . Potter ? | Potter is a member of the local Old Comrades Association , where he bores everyone by blathering on about his war experiences . The only reason he gets selected to lead the forthcoming veterans ' parade is that no-one had the nerve to blackball him . Exactly how true Potter's experiences are will soon be put to the test as his old commanding officer at El Alamein - Bell - shows up at Fenn Street School , demanding to see him . The caretaker is terrified , and with good reason . Bell is the only man alive who knows that he panicked under fire and fled . . . A good Esmonde / Larbey episode , reminiscent of the ' Dad's Army ' story ' The Two And A Half Feathers ' ( in which Corporal Jones ' honour and integrity was under question ) . Luckily for Potter , Bell only wants a regimental photo , nothing else . Very little of 5C here ; they appear briefly in a short scene with Smithy but that's about it . Ffitchett-Brown leaves to take up teaching in Africa . He had not been in the show for very long , and no attempt whatever was made to develop his character or even replicate the relationship Hedges had with the original 5C . Apart from occasionally goosing Doris Ewell , he might as well not have been there . Joe Gladwin - ' Stan ' from ' Nearest & Dearest ' and future ' Last Of The Summer Wine ' cast member - is one of the veterans . Funniest moment - Potter proudly marching at the head of the veterans ' parade , before leading them down a cul-de-sac ! |
401,574 | 7,743,887 | 304,207 | 9 | Who's that walking across my sky ? | A regular feature on ' The Benny Hill show ' for years were ' spoof outtakes ' - moments of television when things would , for whatever reason , go wrong . A door refusing to open , an actor fumbling his lines , a bit of scenery collapsing , that sort of thing . These ' quickies ' were very funny and hugely popular . Then , in 1977 , London Weekend Television broadcast ' It'll Be Alright On The Night ' which was more of the same . Only with a difference . The outtakes were real ! Taken from the archives of motion pictures , news broadcasts and television productions , ' Night ' was a glorious celebration of disaster , boasting clips that would become classics . The girl singer whose mermaid costume slips in the middle of her number , exposing her naked breasts . ' John-Boy Walton ' exclaiming excitedly : " They're gonna hang him by his balls ! " ( I wonder what the original line was ? ) . ' Grandma Walton ' spilling soup over the cast . A trailer for ' Bouquet Of Barbed Wire ' ( a notorious drama about incest , starring Frank Finlay ) being overlaid by one for ' The Muppet Show ' ( how hard it was to tell the difference ! ) . A trailer for ' Within These Walls ' ( a British drama set in a women's prison ) interrupted by a commercial featuring singing , dancing puppets called ' The Yogurt Kids ' . A Irishman gives an interview to a reporter , but talks so fast no-one understands a word he says ! An actor filming a scene in a fake WW2 plane is thrown when someone walks in front of the backdrop supposed to represent the sky ( hence the quote above ) . An American reporter talks to camera , unaware that behind him a man is exposing himself on air ! Denis Norden introduced the programme in his usual urbane manner ( though I could never work out why he had an empty clip board on his person ! ) . The show proved a big ratings success for I . T . V . and further shows were assured . Amongst the best of the later outtakes : ' Professionals ' Martin Shaw falling out of the back of a moving van ! Peter Sellers giggling when someone farts in a crowded lift in ' Revenge Of The Pink Panther ' . A lengthy local news item in which a man revisits the area where he planted some trees a decade earlier , and fails to recall the exact spot , then breaks his spade ! My favourite though was the young American girl who , when asked for her opinion of Christmas , replied : " I think they should have it every year ! " . As Richard Littlejohn would say , you could not make it up ! |
401,076 | 7,743,887 | 675,777 | 9 | The Gang's All Here ! ( Well , Almost ) | Its Cromwell's maddest idea yet ; Eton has Old Etonians , so why not have Fenn Street School ' Old Fennians ' ? A special reunion day for former pupils is planned . A blue and green ' Old Fennian ' tie goes on sale , and teachers compete to see who can come up with the best school song . But on Old Fennians Day , only a handful shows up - amongst them Duffy , Sharon , Dennis , Craven , Maureen and Frankie . As the entries are performed , they respond with predictable derision . Finally , they unveil a little song of their own , sung to the tune of ' Deutchland Uber Alles ' . . . The return of the old 5C was welcome if not entirely unexpected . The new look show was losing viewers , and this was clearly an act of desperation . It was hardly the ' big ' reunion it should have been , however - the old 5C hadn't been away long enough for their return to seem special and besides , two of the ' old ' pupils had not been in the show before . Malcolm McFee , who played ' Craven ' , was unavailable for the first series of ' The Fenn Street Gang ' so his place was taken by Leon Vitali ( McFee returned for subsequent seasons ) . The sultry Penny Spencer , the original ' Sharon Eversleigh ' , was fired for asking for a pay rise . Her role went to the equally attractive Carol Hawkins . If nothing else , Tony Bilbow's episode showed up just how poorer ' Please Sir ! ' was without the old guard . The former 5C taking their places at their old desks is a great moment , and enabled them to effectively pass the baton to their successors . This is the best episode of Season 4 , and would have been better still had they managed to get John Alderton back . When Maureen looks at Hedges ' empty chair and wails - " That's where he used to sit ! " - the audience knows just how she feels . Funniest moment - the horrified looks on the teachers ' faces as the old gang perform their ditty ! |
401,139 | 7,743,887 | 675,779 | 9 | Food , Inglorious Food ! | Mrs . Savage is the chief cook at Fenn Street School , and the one thing that pupils and teachers can all agree on is that her food is absolutely terrible . The only person unaware of this is Mr . Cromwell , mainly because Potter has been substituting his meals with ones made by his wife Ruby . The wily caretaker has a scam going ; in return for keeping Mrs . Savage in the job , he gets free groceries . When Hedges ventures into the kitchens to confront the cook , she loses her temper and resigns . The new cook is far better . But once again Potter conceals the truth from the headmaster by swapping his dinner . Mr . Cromwell reinstates Mrs . Savage , much to the disgust of the school . . . I was lucky . The standard of food at my school was uniformly excellent . We did not have a ' Mrs . Savage ' slaving over our stoves . The lady herself is played by the late Pat Nye , the only woman who could conceivably have given Peggy Mount a run for her money in the ' battleaxe ' stakes . ' On The Buses ' fans may remember her as ' Mrs . Blake ' from the Season 7 episode ' The Visit ' . As well as being a bullying , bad-tempered cow , her lack of hygiene is deplorable . Note the scene where she shakes her hair all over the stew , before complaining there are hairs in it ! Jo Rowbottom is seen as sexy barmaid ' Elsie ' . A few years later , she would play James Beck's wife in the Ronald Wolfe & Ronald Chesney scripted I . T . V . sitcom ' Romany Jones ' . Funniest moment - Hedges and Price looking forward to a pie in their local , only to discover the new cook is none other than Mrs . Savage ! |
400,621 | 7,743,887 | 135,736 | 9 | June ! | One of the most unfairly maligned programmes of all time , ' Terry & June ' was also one of the most popular sitcoms of the ' 70's and ' 80's . It started life as ' Happy Ever After ' , but when Eric Merriman decided he didn't want to write any more , it changed into this , hence the dropping of ' Aunt Lucy ' and the Fletcher's becoming the Medford's . Yes , it was cosy , domestic , middle-class stuff ; the plots ran the gamut of clichés from the boss coming to dinner , the vicar organising a jumble sale , and unwanted relatives coming to stay for the weekend . It was certainly not ' dreadful lazy comedy ' . As for it being ' not clever ' , it was not meant to be . It was funny and well performed , and that was enough ! I too loved the ' alternative ' boom of the ' 80's ( ' Spitting Image ' , ' Black Adder ' , ' The Young Ones ' etc . ) but also enjoyed conventional stuff such as this . If nothing else , it provided alternative comedy with something to be an alternative to . I found it sad though when the likes of Ben Elton took against both this and Benny Hill . Well , family oriented comedy has all but vanished from our screens , but where has it left us ? Take a look at the latest T . V . schedules . All soaps and reality dross . The few comedies left are aimed at teenagers , meaning they are jam packed with swearing , bodily function jokes , and explicit sexual references . And they are not remotely funny either . The ' alternative comedy ' boom was good in many ways , but had a dark side . It made conventional sitcoms appear old fashioned , drove away talented writers and performers such as Spike Milligan , and ultimately led to such unspeakable drivel as ' Little Britain ' and ' Tittybangbang ' ( heaven help us ) . If it ain't broke , don't fix it ! |
401,163 | 7,743,887 | 641,199 | 9 | The Man With The Deadly Stick | This episode gave British viewers an early sighting of Felicity Kendal ( billed as ' Kendall ' ) , then aged 20 . As one of the millions of males who lusted after her when she scrubbed fireplaces in ' The Good Life ' , I have no hesitation in listing this among my favourite ' Suitcase ' adventures , and not just because of her . It was penned by Victor Canning , author of spy thrillers such as ' The Limbo Line ' and ' Castle Minerva ' . Kendal plays ' Marcelle Robart ' , a young , blind Frenchwoman , something of a recluse . In the teaser , she reads aloud from a Braille book , before hearing heavy footsteps on the stairs . The parrots shriek in their cages . An unknown intruder murders her stepmother ( Gillian Lind ) , and makes off with her jewellery . Noticing an ad in a local paper requesting information about the murder , McGill offers to take on the case . He is warned off by both the police and Henri Thibaud ( Marius Goring ) . Marcelle's only contact with the outside world comes with the special concerts she holds for her blind friends each month . Presents are given out . What she does not know is that they contain not soap , tobacco or chocolates but narcotics . . . As the blind girl , Felicity is terrific , both innocent and attractive . Marcelle's initial distrust of McGill soon turns to something resembling affection , though it is never overtly stated whether or not it has progressed beyond the platonic . Marius Goring , a marvellous character actor , played ' The Expert ' in the B . B . C . series of that name ( a British version of ' Quincey M . E . ' ) , and makes a suitably flamboyant villain , equipped with a cane that doubles as a shotgun . Keith Marsh , who plays ' Leon ' , is best known for comedy roles such as ' Jacko ' in ' Love Thy Neighbour ' . Michael Bates , future star ' Last Of The Summer Wine ' and ' It Ain't Half Hot Mum ' pops up briefly as ' Delacroix ' . Jeremy Summers , the director , worked on ' The Saint ' and ' The Baron ' , and directed a number of movies , including the Tony Hancock classic ' The Punch & Judy Man ' . If it strikes you as odd that Madame Robart's murderer chooses not to eliminate Marcelle also ( though blind , she is still capable of identifying the culprit , albeit by his footsteps ) bear in mind that she was crucial to the criminals ' operation . Without her , there would have been no special concerts . In the final scene , she is so horrified at having been exploited by drug dealers she contemplates a return to a life of solitude , but McGill urges her to live life to the full . In contrast to the series ' usual downbeat endings , this one offers hopeful optimism . |
400,633 | 7,743,887 | 641,215 | 9 | In Search Of Venus | This episode opens in 1944 , as British and German soldiers fight it out in San Vincenzo , Italy . Foley ( Harold Goodwin ) becomes fascinated by a painting he sees in a bombed-out art gallery , so he takes it . It is none other than Sandro Botticelli's ' Head Of Venus ' , and is worth an absolute fortune . In 1967 , art connoisseur Gilchrist ( Annette Carell ) is approached by Kershaw ( Bernard Lee ) , a seedy character who clings to the delusion that he is still an officer and a gentleman . He claims he knows where the painting is , and wants her to lend him £200 to buy it . Foley is now suffering from dementia and in a home for ex-servicemen . His ex-landlady sold the picture for next to nothing to a junk shop . Gilchrist decides to cut Kershaw out of the deal . She hires McGill to find the painting . . . Donald Jonson wrote several ' Danger Man ' episodes , including ' Colony Three ' ( which many believe inspired ' The Prisoner ' ) . This story could have started life as a ' Baron ' caper , but makes a good ' Suitcase ' adventure . The Botticelli - Head Of Venus actually existed ( exists ? ) , and remains missing to this day . If you have it in your attic , congratulations . The theme here is greed . What people are prepared to do in order to become rich . Bernard Lee , who plays ' Kershaw ' , was the first and best ' M ' in the James Bond movies . Priscilla Morgan , cast as ' Mavis ' ( his girlfriend and Foley's ex-landlady ) , is the real-life wife of actor Clive Dunn . Annette Carell a . k . a . ' Gilchrist ' ( it is hinted that she and Mac may have had an affair in the past ) , made her penultimate television appearance here - she died later that year . ' Prisoner ' fans will recall her as ' B ' from the classic episode ' A , B & C ' . David Garfield , seen as Gilchrist's butler , was resident gangster ' Ronnie Lynch ' in the later series of John Sullivan's ' Citizen Smith ' . Though the painting everyone is after ultimately turns out to be a fake , Mac gives it to Foley so that he can spend the rest of his days admiring it - the only pleasure he has left in his life , a nice gesture on Mac's part . |
401,305 | 7,743,887 | 641,212 | 9 | Wild Child | Sue Mandel ( Judy Geeson ) is young , beautiful , and rich . Also a bit of a rebel . Her father ( George A . Cooper ) becomes concerned about the company she has fallen into , namely a pair of upper-class confidence tricksters named Colin ( Peter Blythe ) and Charles ( David Cole ) . Pretending to be her friends , they are secretly breaking into her father's safe , and helping themselves to his money . Wishing to avoid a scandal , Mandel sends for McGill . The ex-American agent decides to play the con men at their own game , by romancing the girl from under their noses . The ploy works . Sue is genuinely fascinated by Mac . Sensing that the golden goose is slipping away from them , Charles and Colin challenge Mac to a no-holds barred game of poker . . . Ah , Judy Geeson . A lady I had a big crush on in my youth . She is gorgeous in this , whether it be in swim-suit or fully dressed . Sue knows that Colin and Charles are crooks , and doesn't care . All she is interested in is aggravating her father , who has been too busy making money to care about her . As cads go , Charles and Colin are like younger versions of the bad guys in ' The Rotters ' episode of ' The Avengers ' . Sue's dad is clearly of working class origin , which probably explains his distrust of anyone of higher breeding . It is never explained whether Charles survives the climactic fight with Mac . One of the great things about this show was that , like real life , problems would not be neatly tied up at the end of very episode . Though Mac has saved Mandel's money , Sue is not particularly grateful , running off somewhere else to do the wild child act all over again . Mandel's relationship with his daughter is no better than it was before . Jacqueline Pearce is seen briefly as ' Miss Brown ' , one of Colin's former victims . Best known for portraying ' Servalan ' in the B . B . C . sci-fi drama ' Blake's Seven ' , she would resurface in ' Suitcase ' ( in a much larger role ) in ' Somebody Loses , Somebody . . . Wins ? ' . Ian McCulloch , cast as ' Kemp ' , later played ' Greg Preston ' in the original ( and best ) ' Survivors ' . George A . Cooper , a . k . a . ' Mandel ' , is best known for comedy roles , such as ' Mr . Fisher ' in ' Billy Liar ' . John Clive , seen as the hotel receptionist , is also a noted supporting actor , and voiced ' John Lennon ' in the animated Beatles film ' Yellow Submarine ' . Terrance Donovan , father of Jason , also has a small role in this . McGill's trick with the coin was something I attempted on many occasions , but somehow never mastered . |
400,792 | 7,743,887 | 555,205 | 9 | That'll teach him to call on Ash Wednesday ! | A year after the excellent ' Holiday With Strings ' , Les Dawson was back for more Hancockian capers , courtesy of Ray Galton and Alan Simpson . Les goes to a psychiatrist as he is incredibly depressed . Also there are a man so shy he hides behind a newspaper ( only his eyes are visible through a hole ) , a mad Colonel ( Campbell Singer ) who keeps ripping pictures of stately homes out of magazines and a kleptomaniac ( Hilda Fenemore ) who tries to steal Les ' helmet . The psychiatrist ( Jack May ) asks Les why he is depressed , and he lists all the world's ills , including Gay Lib and Max Bygraves . But the session does not help Les - he leaves more depressed than when he went in . He goes back to his dingy rundown flat ( which resembles Rigsby's in ' Rising Damp ' ) and takes to bed where he chain smokes and eats constantly . When he finally gets up , he has to use a broom to clean the mattress . He gets a pair of unwelcome visitors - a vicar ( whom he gets rid of by tipping an ashtray over his head ) and an effeminate health visitor who has brought along a bowl of coq au vin . Yes , its Roy Barrowclough again . He would pop up in almost every episode , but as a different character presumably because each time they meet Les does not recognise him . Campbell Singer was ' The Lodger ' in the ' On The Buses ' episode of that name , while Jack May played ' William E . Simms ' in the ' 60's adventure series ' Adam Adamant Lives ! ' . Hilda Fenemore has played more housewives than I care to remember . Funniest moment - Roy climbs into bed with Les , and asks : " Do you like coq au vin " ( putting extra emphasis on the ' coq ' ) to which Les , misunderstanding him , replies : " Not if I can avoid it ! " . |
401,080 | 7,743,887 | 145,638 | 9 | C'mon , We're Putting On The Nonsense . . . | In the pre-'Tiswas ' early ' 70's , I . T . V . filled up Saturday mornings with repeats of ' Captain Scarlet & The Mysterons ' , as well as American imports like ' H . R . Pufnstuf ' ( starring the late Jack Wild ) , ' Elephant Boy ' , and , of course , ' Tomfoolery ' ( though it was actually made in Britain ) . To give it its full title , ' The Tomfoolery Show ' was a Rankin-Bass ( also responsible for ' Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer ' and ' Frosty The Snowman ' ) animated sketch show based on poems by Edward Lear and Lewis Carroll , such as ' The Owl & The Pussycat ' and ' The Courtship of The Yonghy Bonghy Bo ' . ' Yonghy ' , incidentally the only vaguely normal looking character in the show , shared billing with ' The Scroobious Snake ' ( who wore a straw hat and bow tie ) , ' The Enthusiastic Elephant ' ( who talked like W . C . Fields ) , ' Fastidious Fish ' ( who lived in a goldfish bowl and moved around on stilts ) , ' The Umbrageous Umbrella Maker ' ( whose face was permanently obscured by a brolly ) , and a hyperactive bird who kept flapping about and going ' Don't worry ! Don't worry ! ' . These ludicrous characters were like something out of a nightmare and yet were indisputably funny . Much of the humour raided classic comedy films such as ' Hellzapoppin ' and those of Abbott & Costello ( their famous ' Fliegel Street ' skit was recreated by the Enthusiastic Elephant ) . Amongst the regular items was ' Brainy Lecture ' , where quite useless facts would be presented in a deadly serious manner . Typical ' Tomfoolery ' moment : a General is giving his troops a final briefing before the commencement of battle . GENERAL ( in a low voice ) : We attack the Grimbo-Grumbo at dawn . SOLDIER ( also in a low voice ) ; Sir , where are the Grimbo-Grumbo ? GENERAL ( still in a low voice ) : One hundred miles away . SOLDIER ( raising his voice to a near-shout ) : One hundred miles away ? Then why are we whispering ? GENERAL ( in an even lower voice ) : Sorry . I've got a sore throat . If Spike Milligan's ' Q ' series had been a cartoon , it would have looked very much like ' Tomfoolery ' . The anarchic humour , the revelling in silliness for its own sake , the daft sound effects , all had a Milliganeque feel . Spike's own ' The Ning Nang Nong ' would have fitted perfectly into the show . The songs were great too ; one went like this : ' Bibbedy-bobbedy , that makes good sense , good old nonsense . Bibbedy-bobbedy , ladies and gents , pennies are pence to me . " ( you had to be there , folks ) . Voices were provided by Peter Hawkins ( who also did ' Captain Pugwash ' and ' the Daleks ' ) and Bernard Spear . Needless to say , this was a show I loved , more so than ' The Banana Splits ' which was on the B . B . C . at the same time . Surprisingly , it is still not available on D . V . D . , though clips are to be found on ' You Tube ' . Great nostalgia ! |
400,635 | 7,743,887 | 641,204 | 9 | Terror In An English Village | Dying peripatetic agent John Gilsen ( John Carson ) has information that could put one of the world's biggest drug networks out of business for good . Naturally , they are not happy about this , so their killers pursue him relentlessly across the globe . Peters ( James Villiers ) , the head of the network , comes up with a novel idea to smoke Gilsen out . He dispatches the champagne-swigging biker Lucas Guardino ( Derren Nesbitt ) along with other assorted hoods to Gilsen's home - a small English country village - to create an atmosphere of terror . Each night , locals are roughed up , property is damaged , and fires started ( sounds like my home town on an average night ! ) . The police force consists of one tubby bloke ( Norman Mitchell ) on a bike , so the bad guys have a field day . They then go one step further by hiring MacGill ! Mac's investigations draw a dead end , the locals are uncooperative . He does not know why his employers want Gilsen so badly , but when a Scotland Yard detective named Hedley ( Gerald Sim ) and C . I . A . agent Kane ( John Brandon ) show up in the area , he begins to have doubts about their motives . . . Another good Edmund Ward episode . Unusually violent for the time , with Mac on the receiving end of another beating and in the climax the locals turn on the gangsters , pulverising them ( nothing like a good old fashioned lynch mob when it comes to meting out some honest justice , is there ? ) . Peters , unlike your average drug pusher , enjoys a high standard of living - quaffing expensive food and drink while making philosophical speeches about the nature of drug addiction : " They ( the addicts ) are on a stupid trip to a dreamland that doesn't exist . And we sell tickets ! " . Another strong cast - John Carson was in ' The Gilded Cage ' episode of ' The Champions ' and the Hammer classic ' Plague Of The Zombies ' amongst other things , James Villiers was the ' Chief Of Staff ' in the 1981 Bond movie ' For Your Eyes Only ' , Derren Nesbitt was ' New Number Two ' in ' The Prisoner ' adventure ' Its Your Funeral ' , and Noel Howlett , well cast as a Vicar , went on to play ' Mr . Cromwell ' in the sitcom ' Please Sir ! ' . Larry Martyn ( credited here as ' Martin ' ) was ' Mr . Mash ' in ' Are You Being Served ? ' . Filmed in the village of Fulmer , some 2-3 miles from Pinewood . It was also seen in ' The Persuaders ! ' and the underrated ' Strange Report ' . Gerald Sim's ' Hedley ' reappeared in another ' Suitcase ' exploit - ' Burden Of Proof ' - also penned by Ward . |
400,629 | 7,743,887 | 641,203 | 9 | Target : McGill | Mac is leaving a pub in the company of his current girlfriend Moira ( Rosemary Nicols ) and his drunken American chum Willard ( Donald Sutherland ) when a car races by , and the driver calls out : " Mariocki , we are going to kill you ! " . Mac shouts back : " You crazy idiot . . . my name's McGill ! " . Later , Mac gets a phone call repeating the mysterious death threat . A suit that does not belong to him is delivered at his flat , the name ' Mariocki ' inscribed on the collar . Then he is sent a wreath bearing the inscription : ' Mariocki Midnight ' . So who is Mariocki , and why is Mac being threatened ? It could not come at a worse time for him as he is currently in a serious relationship . Perhaps the answer lies in the past ? 1967 was a good year for Donald Sutherland . He was one of ' The Dirty Dozen ' ( that year's biggest movie ) , and ' Kelly's Heroes ' and ' MASH ' were just around the corner . He appeared in a few I . T . C . shows , such as ' The Champions ' episode ' Shadow Of The Panther ' and no less than two editions of ' Suitcase ' ( he was also in ' The Superlative Seven ' from A . B . C . ' s ' The Avengers ' ) . Here he plays the drunken , snivelling Willard , who seems to be Mac's friend only to betray him to his enemies . Rosemary Nicols , later to play ' Annabelle Hurst ' in ' Department S ' , is ' Moira ' ( looking somewhat heavier and with a different hairstyle ) . The final shot of a tearful Moira running away from Mac's flat tells us their relationship is at an end . When Mac realises who his would-be killers are ( a gang of drug pushers he busted in Beirut in his C . I . A . days ) , we get a startling flashback . Had a second season been commissioned perhaps we might have seen an entire episode along similar lines . Robert Urquhart makes the second ( his first was in ' The Bridge ' ) of two appearances as seedy Fleet Street man ' Jarvis ' , only this time he is credited . It is excitingly done , smoothly directed by Charles Crichton , and features a nice car chase through the dark streets of London ( not quite ' Bullitt ' standard . but good enough ) . When H . T . V . showed ' Suitcase ' in a late-night Tuesday slot in the mid-to-late ' 80's , they pulled this episode at the eleventh hour to make way for an unscheduled rugby match . Unfortunately , it did not go out later in the run . A year later , one wet Sunday afternoon , I switched on the television expecting to find rugby and guess what was on ? This very episode ! And it was half way over to boot . Luckily when I . T . C . Home Video began issuing ' Suitcase ' in the early ' 90's , this was one of the first episodes they put out . Sally Geeson , future ' Bless This House ' star , has a cough-and-spit role as a shop assistant . |
401,168 | 7,743,887 | 641,224 | 9 | Caught in the web ! | With space exploration becoming more and more commonplace , an international committee is set up to define legalities concerning the new territory . One such committee member is Dr . James Norbert ( Ray MacAnally ) , a brilliant American lawyer with a fondness for drink . However , a special interest group wants to delay the proposals by at least a decade , and to this end , blackmail Dr . Norbert with photos that show him , amongst other things , hitting a bartender , and in bed with a prostitute . Horrified that his daughter might see the pictures , he calls in McGill to find out who the blackmailers are . Mac travels to Manchester and begins searching for a bar that resembles the one shown in the photo . It turns out to be Gulliver's , run by sinister Joe Gulliver ( John Savident ) . McGill is warned to keep away from the place . On leaving , he is picked up by a limousine containing the urbane Simon Croft ( Simon Oates ) , who represents a consortium of financiers . He offers Mac a wad of money to keep his mouth shut . . . Written by Edmund Ward , this again has McGill caught in a crossfire of intrigue . If you thought the G20 summit a waste of time and money , what about the idea of a committee set up to determine laws for outer space ? Any excuse to have a junket these lawyers . The consortium's reason for wanting to delay the outcome is to give them time to get into a position whereby they can profit . You must remember that in 1966 the idea that bases could one day be put on the Moon or stations in orbit seemed not only possible but probable . It would make sense that someone would try and exploit the new territory , resorting to blackmail and physical violence . As ' Norbert ' , the late Ray McAnally gives his usual brilliant performance . Initially , the character refuses to comply with the blackmailers ' demands but , by the end , terrified of losing both his reputation and daughter's love , backs down . The last shot is of him gazing at a whisky bottle , the source of his troubles . Simon Oates , who plays ' Croft ' , starred in the sci-fi drama ' Doomwatch ' four years later . Ralph Michael , cast as ' Sir Giles ' , was ' The Dean ' in the sitcoms ' Doctor In The House ' and ' Doctor At Large ' . John Savident - nightclub owner ' Gulliver ' - is better known now as ' Fred Elliott ' in ' Coronation Street ' . |
401,220 | 7,743,887 | 563,091 | 9 | Appendicitis ! | The students are attending a lecture on appendicitis given by Dr . Crowfoot ( John Warner ) , a man so clumsy as to give Frank Spencer competition . He is also unbelievably boring . Paul changes the time on the clock so that they can all leave early . Mike develops the symptoms of appendicitis , and requires an operation . Unfortunately , the surgeon is none other than Crowfoot . . . Another Garden / Oddie penned episode , enlivened by the presence of the underrated John Warner as the accident-prone ' Crowfoot ' , whom his students refer to disparagingly as ' Crowsfeet ' . The actor would go on to play ' Surgeon Lieutenant Wyckham ' in the very funny ' In Charge ' episode ' Hello Sailor ! ' . He also played Arthur Lowe's put upon neighbour ' Tolly ' in Roy Clarke's ' Potter ' . Harry Shacklock is seen as patient ' Mr . Wimberly ' , a role he reprised in episodes of ' At Large ' and ' In Charge ' . He must have had a thing about hospitals ! When laying the table in their digs , the students recreate the famous ' Dr . Kildare ' theme , complete with pauses ( which is where the credits would have been ! ) . Funniest moment - Crowfoot emerging from the operating theatre , and , finding one of his contact lenses missing , assumes he has left it inside Upton ! |
400,988 | 7,743,887 | 563,102 | 9 | Kipper Ties & Stethoscopes ! | The second episode of ' Doctor In The House ' was the first of many written by Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie . Garden , like Graham Chapman , was a qualified doctor in real life , and thus was able to draw on his own experiences . It was rare in 1969 to see a sitcom in which the cast was predominantly young , hence George Layton's description of ' House ' as ' the ' Friends ' of its day ' . Barry Evans and Robin Nedwell made a good double act . Ditto Geoffrey Davies and George Layton . Simon Cuff and Martin Shaw made their debuts here and , to be honest , did the show no favours . Shaw had the good sense to realise this and got out after one series , while Cuff left after two . The students came across for the most part as a bunch of drunken hooligans , constantly playing childish pranks such as stealing mascots and putting chamber pots on statues , thus incurring the wrath of The Dean and Professor Loftus . The issue of sex rears its ugly head for the first time . After settling down to life at St . Swithins , Upton goes to the Common Room where he is so appalled at the ungallant behaviour displayed towards a pretty nurse called Alice that he rounds angrily on his fellow students : " You silly bastards ! " ( strong language for that time ) . He takes Alice to his room to dry her dress ( Evans threw beer over it ) . But the others have put whips , bras and Briddock's rude pictures where they can easily be seen to make Alice think Upton is into B . D . S . M . Realising the students are only next door , Alice and Upton pretend to have sex . The voyeurs cannot believe what they are hearing . . . Lovely Julia Foster makes her only appearance in the ' Doctor ' series as ' Alice ' . Her other television roles include ' Moll Flanders ' ( 1976 ) , and the short-lived 1977 comedy thriller ' Wilde Alliance ' ( a show I liked a lot at the time ) in which she played Amy Wilde , wife of successful novelist Rupert ( John Stride ) . Funniest moment - the students , shocked by the sound of Upton cracking a whip , fall off the table on which they had been standing ! |
400,956 | 7,743,887 | 563,103 | 9 | Students In Soho ! | St . Swithins has lost at rugby ( again ) so the students decide to commiserate by going to a Soho strip-club . When they try to gain entry they are told by the doorman that they first have to apply for membership . Luckily who should happen along but Dick and he signs them in . Upton is furious to learn that Dick has used his name as an alias . The show gets underway . Upton is transfixed at the spectacle of undressing females . One stripper in particular , Rita , is dressed as a traffic warden , disrobing to the Beatles ' ' Lovely Rita Meter Maid ' . Suddenly , she faints . The students get her to St . Swithins , where she becomes an instant attraction for the randy doctors . Acting on a suggestion by Upton , Rita decides to become a nurse . . . It is never overtly stated but Upton's fascination with Rita seems to be that of the inexperienced male for the more sexually mature woman . Rits has been around the block a few times , and probably knows more about the human body than he does . His suggestion that she become a nurse may be motivated by his desire to keep her within his orbit . But she eventually decides to return to her original profession . One wonders if the role of ' Rita ' was originally intended for Diana Dors . Jan Rossini , who plays her , is very like Dors physically . Funniest Moment - when the stripper collapses , the club manager asks the audience : " Is there a doctor in the house ? " and the entire front row stands up ! |
401,303 | 7,743,887 | 641,219 | 9 | Guarding Rufus | Another adventure for McGill , the ex-C . I . A . agent turned private detective . Mac's latest job comes from an unexpected source - the police ! They want him to keep London gangster Rufus Blake ( George Sewell ) alive for 24 hours so that he can testify against his brothers at the Old Bailey . Tired of being treated like a dogsbody , Rufus wishes to put them away for life , and help himself to the money they have stashed away in a Swiss bank . But Rudyard ( Robin Bailey ) , the Blake brothers ' crooked lawyer , has hired hoods to perform a job of murder . Rufus has refused police protection , which is how McGill comes to be his bodyguard . With all the hotels under surveillance , Mac takes Rufus to several locations in London , including a botanical gardens . . . One of my favourite ' Suitcase ' episodes , despite the absurdities in the plot . You would think Mac would take Rufus to the quietest part of London and keep him there for a day , but if that had happened it would have been a dull story , hence the pair behave like tourists . The police tell Mac not to use his gun if attacked . " Use your fists ! " , says one copper . What are the attackers likely to be armed with - peashooters ? Valerie ( Lois Daine ) does not know Rufus is a villain ( she thinks he is a commercial traveller ) even though the story of the Blake brothers ' trial has been in all the papers . The Blake Brothers are loosely based on the Krays , who would have still been at large when this was made . I wonder if they saw it and if so what they thought . Great cast including the urbane Robin Bailey as ' Rudyard ' ( totally unrecognisable as ' Uncle Mort ' from ' I Didn't Know You Cared ' ) , George Sewell's ' Rufus ' surely must have been the inspiration for ' Frankie Abbott ' from ' Please Sir ! ' ( he swaggers and brags about what a hard man he is , but as soon as a gun is pointed at him he crumples into a snivelling wreck ) , future ' Sweeney ' boss Garfield Morgan is one of the coppers , with James Grout and Mark Eden as two others . ' Monty Python ' fans will spot Carol Cleveland as ' Miss Dinsdale ' ( now there's a Pythonesque name if ever I heard one ! ) , Rudyard's secretary . The script was by Edmund Ward , who wrote several other episodes of this show as well as going on to create ' The Main Chance ' with John Stride and ' The Hanged Man ' starring Colin Blakely . The director , Gerry O'Hara , also worked on ' The Avengers ' and ' The Professionals ' . There's an amusing moment when Mac and Rufus attend an afternoon concert in which two old age pensioners are singing . The woman ( Grace Arnold ) is so hopelessly off-key the only way she'd have sounded on were if Les Dawson were playing the piano . The depiction of the police and London underworld is more ' Dixon Of Dock Green ' than say ' The Sweeney ' ( which was seven years away ) , but it is still good entertainment , particularly if like me you adore watching anything featuring Swinging ' 60's London in all its glory . |
400,783 | 7,743,887 | 563,098 | 9 | I've got appendicitis ! | The students are watching a drag act in a nightclub . Their exams are fast approaching , hence this is to be their last ' bit of fun ' before the rigours of studying set in . Studying in St . Swithins is not easy , however , with the students constantly dashing about , and sexy Helga proving a distraction . There is one bit of good news on the horizon , though - Loftus will be in Australia for the next three weeks , and therefore won't be on hand to supervise . So they think . Striding into the students ' bar , Loftus proudly announces he is sending someone else in his place , and will be able to do the exams after all . A wave of terror sweeps over Upton and co . . . The final episode of the first season of ' In The House ' provides an effective conclusion , with the students having to ( temporarily ) knuckle down and begin acting like prospective doctors . The finals would not be for another year , hence if the sitcom was a hit , the possibility for a follow-up series was there . As it turned out , this is exactly what happened . Michael MacKenzie had appeared in ' Getting The Bird ' as ' Second Medic ' . Here his character - if it is the same one - is named ' Mickleton ' . Two characters did not survive beyond the first season . ' Huw Evans ' , played by Martin Shaw , was one , and Yutte Stensgaard's ' Helga ' the other . Evans did however made a brief return to St . Swithins in the ' At Large ' episode ' Mother & Father Doing Well ' . Barry Cryer never wrote for the show again , although Graham Chapman stayed on board until the second run of ' In Charge ' , teaming up with first Bernard McKenna and then Douglas Adams ( for one episode of ' On The Go ' ) . During the studies , Dick suggests a mnemonic system as an easy way to remember medical facts . It would be employed again in the ' On The Go ' episode ' Learning By Heart ' . The drag act is Patrick Fyffe , who a few years later hit the big time as one half of ' Hinge & Bracket ' - as the waspish ' Dame Hilda ' . Funniest moment - Duncan nearly starting a fire in the examination room . |
400,798 | 7,743,887 | 563,099 | 9 | I'll do the cooking ! | Distracted by the noises of the hospital , Mike decides to move out and search for lodgings . His first attempt is a disaster ; a sexy young woman ( Clare Shenstone ) tries to seduce him by pretending to be ill so he can examine her . When her mother returns , she sees what looks like him trying to strangle her . His next port of call is no better ; the door is answered by a gay man who makes no secret of his interest in Upton . The next place he visits is inhabited by two dotty old ladies ( Betty Hare and May Warden ) . Upton is told he can have the room as soon as the previous occupant has left . He glances round and sees the bare feet of a corpse sticking out from under bedclothes . Panicking , he runs off to catch a bus . Things look up when he calls on Scottish widow Mrs . Muir ( Renee Houston ) . The room is spacious , cheap , and clean , everything he has been looking for . But he does not yet know there is a catch ; the other students are interested in it too . . . The fourth episode of ' House ' is pretty good , benefiting from a change of location ( not much of St . Swithins here ) , and a guest appearance from the talented Renee Houston , who was in one of my favourite movies : ' The Horse's Mouth ' starring Alec Guinness . Yutte Stensgaard , as ever , looks incredible , whether it be in the bath or stepping over the students in her night-clothes as they try to get some sleep . Funniest moment - the girl's mother searching Mike's belongings . Opening a box on top of the wardrobe , she shrieks as a skeleton falls out ! ( Although Graeme Garden was quoted as saying no gags from the movie were used , this one is similar to a famous scene where Dr . Simon Sparrow ( Dirk Bogarde ) gets on a bus with a package , which turns out to contain a skeleton . Perhaps Graeme thought the gag too good to leave out completely ) . |
401,637 | 7,743,887 | 563,097 | 9 | A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Cemetery | Upton and Duncan are fed up because the nurses won't go out with them . Collier suggests they buy a car - and knows where he can lay his hands on a cheap one . Unfortunately , it turns out to be a hearse . Parking outside the St . Swithins ' mortuary , Collier goes to fetch the others , but an over-efficient mortician puts a coffin in the vehicle . Not realising it is there , the students then drive off . When they discover they have an extra passenger on board , they think of ways to get rid of him . In the meantime , the mortician has phoned the police to report that a body has gone missing en route to the cemetery . . . Very funny episode by Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie . In many ways , this is a forerunner to the celebrated ' The Kipper & The Corpse ' episode of ' Fawlty Towers ' . Director David Askey milks every last drop of black comedy out of the ghoulish premise . On the down side , its a little uncomfortable to watch now , with the knowledge that neither Robin Nedwell and Barry Evans are with us any longer . Funniest moment - the ' corpse ' coming to life ! Actually , its only a curious poacher . |
401,069 | 7,743,887 | 563,076 | 9 | I think we have made a hideous mistake ! | While Loftus awaits to be officially confirmed for a knighthood , he receives some surprising news from his wife . She is bored at home and wishes to return to full-time nursing . He is dead against the idea , but she goes through with it anyway . Lady Cornford's daughter , Annabel , also wishes to be a nurse at St . Swithins . On her first day , she meets Duncan , and they are mutually attracted to each other . But she accidentally lets slip that she had dined with Loftus a few nights before . Duncan jumps to the wrong conclusion . A wicked rumour spreads round the hospital that Annabel and Loftus are conducting an affair . . . Angharad Rees had played ' Frances ' in the ' Doctor In The House ' episode ' Getting The Bird ' , here she returns as a different character . ' Annabel ' would make several appearances in the second season of ' Charge ' . This episode is more like a Whitehall farce , with misunderstandings piling on top of misunderstandings , angry wives , and pretty girls in their underwear . But its one of the best written episodes of the entire series , and the cast throw themselves into the piece with commendable enthusiasm , even if the notion of Loftus as ' Casanova ' is a little hard to swallow , and Richard O'Sullivan's ' Bingham ' is utterly wasted . Funniest moment - Loftus ' anger on finding Waring with Annabel . |
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