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My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do"I am in my early s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.\
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?" | "Hello. Even though legally you are an adult, it is a matter of courtesy to respect the homes of your parents. As long as you live there, you should be considerate of their needs. At the same time, there should be conversation about what each of you considers appropriate as it pertains to communication between a parent and an adult (even though you are still her offspring). This will require openness, honesty, and a willingness to give from both sides in a respectful way. Healthy boundaries can be established and honored when each is willing to do their part in this new relationship. Your mother knows you are an adult, but has not had as many years of treating you like one. So mentally and emotionally this will take some time for her to adapt. Share your concerns with her, and see if you can come up with a set of rules that you both can honor. It will be a great stepping stone for both of you as you move into this new chapter together as you begin relating a little differently.Reach out for help to a counselor if needed. You don't have to sort this out on your own. And lastly, take good care of yourself in the process. You are moving through some exciting times in your life. The more you can have support as you explore new events, the better you might feel less stressed.Warm regards.", | "You're among many millennials who live with their parents due to financial reasons.Does your mother mean rules pertaining to the way your family household organizes its daily or does she mean something else?Every household needs rules as responsibilities to keep the house clean, who does the grocery shopping, the way costs are distributed for this and all the other carrying charges \'a0and tasks of maintaining the house in decent order, as well as respecting the privacy and noise level requests of others who live in the home.This set of responsibilities applies whenever more than one person lives with another person.Have you tried simply telling your mom that you're willing to be a responsible household member and that you prefer to keep the details of the way you live the rest of your life, to yourself?This would show respect to your mom and start the discussion as to the areas of your life you feel deserve privacy and how you would like to handle when your right to run your own life overlaps with any household duties.", |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do"I am in my early s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.\
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?" | "Unfortunately I think most of us have heard this, so you are not alone. \'a0If you are still under her roof she has leverage as to what her expectations are while you are living there. \'a0I would consider therapy for the both of you to see if there could be a middle ground that could be agreed upon. \'a0Often times a 3rd party can help with conflict. \'a0If there is no resolution then I would look to get creative in finding a place of your own.", | "Unfortunately you seem to have yourself in a double bind. By living with your mom she is not going to stop her attempts at what you perceive as ""controlling"". There is no use in trying to debate or get her to ""see your point"". As long as your there and you personalize her attempts at control, then you will find yourself frustrated and resentful. Try to find an extra job or a roommate so that you can do the natural process of moving on out.www.lifecounselingorlando.com", |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do"I am in my early s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.\
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?" | "Unfortunately you seem to have yourself in a double bind. By living with your mom she is not going to stop her attempts at what you perceive as ""controlling"". There is no use in trying to debate or get her to ""see your point"". As long as your there and you personalize her attempts at control, then you will find yourself frustrated and resentful. Try to find an extra job or a roommate so that you can do the natural process of moving on out.www.lifecounselingorlando.com", | "Hello. It sounds like you and your parents are not balanced in your communication and awareness\'a0of\'a0expectations. Your growth is not only reflected in your ability to understand and apply new knowledge and skills, it is also reflective of your parents acceptance of your understanding and application. Have you tried talking with your parents to let them know your concerns?This talking is best when face to face and during non active conflict ( can't begin stating rules during an argument, etc). Sometimes it is even helpful to write down ways you feel you can be supported by them\'a0and supportive to them. Maybe share this list or reflective piece with\'a0them to review, or use when communicating the expectations. Unfortunately, until there are clear expectations stated and expressed, the scale will be uneven and frustrations will increase. Dr. T", |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do"I am in my early s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.\
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?" | "Unfortunately you seem to have yourself in a double bind. By living with your mom she is not going to stop her attempts at what you perceive as ""controlling"". There is no use in trying to debate or get her to ""see your point"". As long as your there and you personalize her attempts at control, then you will find yourself frustrated and resentful. Try to find an extra job or a roommate so that you can do the natural process of moving on out.www.lifecounselingorlando.com", | "That is a really tough situation that a lot of young people are experiencing right now. The first thing to under is that you can\'92t change who your parents are and cannot change their behavior. The thing to keep in mind is that you can control your responses and actions. \'a0You may need to keep living at home with them for the next few months or years and the best way to do this is to have a plan. The second thing is to keep in mind that their controlling behavior is most likely not about based your behavior. Controlling parents are often driven by their concept of what will keep their children safe and happy. Unfortunately this is not always accurate but keep in mind it is not a personal attack. \'a0There are ways you can deal with controlling parents \'96 and most of them require creating a plan of action.Examples of action plans:Decide in advance how you\'92ll calmly and rationally respond to your parents when you feel they\'92re trying to control youArrange to phone a friend or trusted adult when you feel like you\'92re losing controlTalk in person to an adult you trust. There aren\'92t any quick tips on how to deal with parents who want to control you; you need to find strategies that are geared to your specific family situation. Get specific coping tips from books about family dynamics, such as:Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan ForwardCutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard HalpernA counselor can be a good resource and provide support and guidance about issues addressing normal growth and development during periods of transition.", |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do"I am in my early s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.\
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?" | "Unfortunately you seem to have yourself in a double bind. By living with your mom she is not going to stop her attempts at what you perceive as ""controlling"". There is no use in trying to debate or get her to ""see your point"". As long as your there and you personalize her attempts at control, then you will find yourself frustrated and resentful. Try to find an extra job or a roommate so that you can do the natural process of moving on out.www.lifecounselingorlando.com", | "You're among many millennials who live with their parents due to financial reasons.Does your mother mean rules pertaining to the way your family household organizes its daily or does she mean something else?Every household needs rules as responsibilities to keep the house clean, who does the grocery shopping, the way costs are distributed for this and all the other carrying charges \'a0and tasks of maintaining the house in decent order, as well as respecting the privacy and noise level requests of others who live in the home.This set of responsibilities applies whenever more than one person lives with another person.Have you tried simply telling your mom that you're willing to be a responsible household member and that you prefer to keep the details of the way you live the rest of your life, to yourself?This would show respect to your mom and start the discussion as to the areas of your life you feel deserve privacy and how you would like to handle when your right to run your own life overlaps with any household duties.", |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do"I am in my early s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.\
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?" | "Unfortunately I think most of us have heard this, so you are not alone. \'a0If you are still under her roof she has leverage as to what her expectations are while you are living there. \'a0I would consider therapy for the both of you to see if there could be a middle ground that could be agreed upon. \'a0Often times a 3rd party can help with conflict. \'a0If there is no resolution then I would look to get creative in finding a place of your own.", | "Hello. It sounds like you and your parents are not balanced in your communication and awareness\'a0of\'a0expectations. Your growth is not only reflected in your ability to understand and apply new knowledge and skills, it is also reflective of your parents acceptance of your understanding and application. Have you tried talking with your parents to let them know your concerns?This talking is best when face to face and during non active conflict ( can't begin stating rules during an argument, etc). Sometimes it is even helpful to write down ways you feel you can be supported by them\'a0and supportive to them. Maybe share this list or reflective piece with\'a0them to review, or use when communicating the expectations. Unfortunately, until there are clear expectations stated and expressed, the scale will be uneven and frustrations will increase. Dr. T", |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do"I am in my early s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.\
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?" | "Unfortunately I think most of us have heard this, so you are not alone. \'a0If you are still under her roof she has leverage as to what her expectations are while you are living there. \'a0I would consider therapy for the both of you to see if there could be a middle ground that could be agreed upon. \'a0Often times a 3rd party can help with conflict. \'a0If there is no resolution then I would look to get creative in finding a place of your own.", | "That is a really tough situation that a lot of young people are experiencing right now. The first thing to under is that you can\'92t change who your parents are and cannot change their behavior. The thing to keep in mind is that you can control your responses and actions. \'a0You may need to keep living at home with them for the next few months or years and the best way to do this is to have a plan. The second thing is to keep in mind that their controlling behavior is most likely not about based your behavior. Controlling parents are often driven by their concept of what will keep their children safe and happy. Unfortunately this is not always accurate but keep in mind it is not a personal attack. \'a0There are ways you can deal with controlling parents \'96 and most of them require creating a plan of action.Examples of action plans:Decide in advance how you\'92ll calmly and rationally respond to your parents when you feel they\'92re trying to control youArrange to phone a friend or trusted adult when you feel like you\'92re losing controlTalk in person to an adult you trust. There aren\'92t any quick tips on how to deal with parents who want to control you; you need to find strategies that are geared to your specific family situation. Get specific coping tips from books about family dynamics, such as:Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan ForwardCutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard HalpernA counselor can be a good resource and provide support and guidance about issues addressing normal growth and development during periods of transition.", |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do"I am in my early s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.\
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?" | "Unfortunately I think most of us have heard this, so you are not alone. \'a0If you are still under her roof she has leverage as to what her expectations are while you are living there. \'a0I would consider therapy for the both of you to see if there could be a middle ground that could be agreed upon. \'a0Often times a 3rd party can help with conflict. \'a0If there is no resolution then I would look to get creative in finding a place of your own.", | "You're among many millennials who live with their parents due to financial reasons.Does your mother mean rules pertaining to the way your family household organizes its daily or does she mean something else?Every household needs rules as responsibilities to keep the house clean, who does the grocery shopping, the way costs are distributed for this and all the other carrying charges \'a0and tasks of maintaining the house in decent order, as well as respecting the privacy and noise level requests of others who live in the home.This set of responsibilities applies whenever more than one person lives with another person.Have you tried simply telling your mom that you're willing to be a responsible household member and that you prefer to keep the details of the way you live the rest of your life, to yourself?This would show respect to your mom and start the discussion as to the areas of your life you feel deserve privacy and how you would like to handle when your right to run your own life overlaps with any household duties.", |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do"I am in my early s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.\
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?" | "Hello. It sounds like you and your parents are not balanced in your communication and awareness\'a0of\'a0expectations. Your growth is not only reflected in your ability to understand and apply new knowledge and skills, it is also reflective of your parents acceptance of your understanding and application. Have you tried talking with your parents to let them know your concerns?This talking is best when face to face and during non active conflict ( can't begin stating rules during an argument, etc). Sometimes it is even helpful to write down ways you feel you can be supported by them\'a0and supportive to them. Maybe share this list or reflective piece with\'a0them to review, or use when communicating the expectations. Unfortunately, until there are clear expectations stated and expressed, the scale will be uneven and frustrations will increase. Dr. T", | "That is a really tough situation that a lot of young people are experiencing right now. The first thing to under is that you can\'92t change who your parents are and cannot change their behavior. The thing to keep in mind is that you can control your responses and actions. \'a0You may need to keep living at home with them for the next few months or years and the best way to do this is to have a plan. The second thing is to keep in mind that their controlling behavior is most likely not about based your behavior. Controlling parents are often driven by their concept of what will keep their children safe and happy. Unfortunately this is not always accurate but keep in mind it is not a personal attack. \'a0There are ways you can deal with controlling parents \'96 and most of them require creating a plan of action.Examples of action plans:Decide in advance how you\'92ll calmly and rationally respond to your parents when you feel they\'92re trying to control youArrange to phone a friend or trusted adult when you feel like you\'92re losing controlTalk in person to an adult you trust. There aren\'92t any quick tips on how to deal with parents who want to control you; you need to find strategies that are geared to your specific family situation. Get specific coping tips from books about family dynamics, such as:Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan ForwardCutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard HalpernA counselor can be a good resource and provide support and guidance about issues addressing normal growth and development during periods of transition.", |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do"I am in my early s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.\
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?" | "Hello. It sounds like you and your parents are not balanced in your communication and awareness\'a0of\'a0expectations. Your growth is not only reflected in your ability to understand and apply new knowledge and skills, it is also reflective of your parents acceptance of your understanding and application. Have you tried talking with your parents to let them know your concerns?This talking is best when face to face and during non active conflict ( can't begin stating rules during an argument, etc). Sometimes it is even helpful to write down ways you feel you can be supported by them\'a0and supportive to them. Maybe share this list or reflective piece with\'a0them to review, or use when communicating the expectations. Unfortunately, until there are clear expectations stated and expressed, the scale will be uneven and frustrations will increase. Dr. T", | "You're among many millennials who live with their parents due to financial reasons.Does your mother mean rules pertaining to the way your family household organizes its daily or does she mean something else?Every household needs rules as responsibilities to keep the house clean, who does the grocery shopping, the way costs are distributed for this and all the other carrying charges \'a0and tasks of maintaining the house in decent order, as well as respecting the privacy and noise level requests of others who live in the home.This set of responsibilities applies whenever more than one person lives with another person.Have you tried simply telling your mom that you're willing to be a responsible household member and that you prefer to keep the details of the way you live the rest of your life, to yourself?This would show respect to your mom and start the discussion as to the areas of your life you feel deserve privacy and how you would like to handle when your right to run your own life overlaps with any household duties.", |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do"I am in my early s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.\
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?" | "That is a really tough situation that a lot of young people are experiencing right now. The first thing to under is that you can\'92t change who your parents are and cannot change their behavior. The thing to keep in mind is that you can control your responses and actions. \'a0You may need to keep living at home with them for the next few months or years and the best way to do this is to have a plan. The second thing is to keep in mind that their controlling behavior is most likely not about based your behavior. Controlling parents are often driven by their concept of what will keep their children safe and happy. Unfortunately this is not always accurate but keep in mind it is not a personal attack. \'a0There are ways you can deal with controlling parents \'96 and most of them require creating a plan of action.Examples of action plans:Decide in advance how you\'92ll calmly and rationally respond to your parents when you feel they\'92re trying to control youArrange to phone a friend or trusted adult when you feel like you\'92re losing controlTalk in person to an adult you trust. There aren\'92t any quick tips on how to deal with parents who want to control you; you need to find strategies that are geared to your specific family situation. Get specific coping tips from books about family dynamics, such as:Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan ForwardCutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard HalpernA counselor can be a good resource and provide support and guidance about issues addressing normal growth and development during periods of transition.", | "You're among many millennials who live with their parents due to financial reasons.Does your mother mean rules pertaining to the way your family household organizes its daily or does she mean something else?Every household needs rules as responsibilities to keep the house clean, who does the grocery shopping, the way costs are distributed for this and all the other carrying charges \'a0and tasks of maintaining the house in decent order, as well as respecting the privacy and noise level requests of others who live in the home.This set of responsibilities applies whenever more than one person lives with another person.Have you tried simply telling your mom that you're willing to be a responsible household member and that you prefer to keep the details of the way you live the rest of your life, to yourself?This would show respect to your mom and start the discussion as to the areas of your life you feel deserve privacy and how you would like to handle when your right to run your own life overlaps with any household duties.", |
My toddler wants her daddy to die when she's mad at him"I told her that if daddy dies we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die." | "Toddlers don't have the intellectual capacity to conceptualize.Better to find out why she wants daddy to die than explain the future consequences of death to your toddler.A person must be around 9, possibly 8 years old before absorbing the potential effects of an action taken in present time.Pretty much your toddler demonstrated to you here age appropriate and limited understanding of the loss of a parent, by crying that you weren't able to magically make her father disappear.Also, please pay attention and form your own opinions as to the reasons why your toddler would wish her father's death.She may be pointing out that the father behaves in frightening or harmful ways towards her.", | "It's normal for a child to be so angry she wanted someone to die, but this seems to be heading into a dangerous realm. I think it would be wise to have her seen by a child psychologist just to rule out anything more serious.", |
Should my step-daughters be told that their step-father has a child pornography addiction?"My husband\'s ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He by his own admission is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband\'s ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has ""repented."" It is a constant strain on my husband knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite." | "The information from the other therapists here is sound and prudent. There are what sounds to be real legal (is this man a RSO [registered sex offender]; is he prohibited from being in proximity to minors? use/possession of child porn violates any # of state and federal statues...) and safety issues at play here. Your husband's daughters have an immediate ""need to know"" and this can be done developmentally-contextual, factually and in a non-shaming fashion.\'a0I would further counsel that you and your husband (his daughters welfare is at stake) seek immediate legal counsel.\'a0The ex-wife here seems to be between a ""rock and a hard place"" of her own creation -- she desperately needs care, treatment for herself.\'a0Resources for Your Consideration: 1) | "Lorain, you're correct that your husband's ex-wife is (seriously) minimizing this problem. I have a very strong opinion here. In my book, the safety of children trumps potentially insulting or hurting the feelings of adults.\'a0Of course the girls should be told, because they have the right to know. Their voice is not the only one I'm concerned about here though. I believe your husband has the right to insist that his daughters be in a safe home, and there is clear evidence this man is not safe.\'a0This woman is putting her own comfort (she simply doesn't want to deal with her partner's situation, her own fears, or anyone else's needs) above the safety of two vulnerable girls. Honestly, if it was me, my kids wouldn't be even visiting that home with that man present, ""repented"" or not. It's not worth the risk. If she decides to stay with him, the natural consequence of having a known perpetrator in your home is not having access to vulnerable children in that same home.", |
My son plays alone at recessIs this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? | "I recommend asking your son about the reasons he chooses to play alone at recess. If he is happy on his own and you know he has some friends, I would not be very concerned. However, there may be bullying going on at school. In the case of bullying, it may be a situation where you as his parent will need to step in.", | "My son plays alone at recess.Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?Every mom is the expert on their children\'92s behavior.\'a0 First of all, I suggest checking with your son, asking him if he is happy while playing alone, or does he complain that no one wants to play with him?\'a0 Does he plays alone in school, but is social in other environments, with family or neighbors?Playing alone is healthy for children, it helps them to be independent and confident, it allows them to explore their environment and use their imagination, among other benefits. \'a0On the other hand, it is also important to develop social skills early on and become confident in our skills as we grow.\'a0 Children go through stages of exploration until they develop a sense of \'93social confidence\'94. Depending on your son\'92s age, he might need some input or advice.\'a0 Provide the opportunity to interact with other children, without pushing it.\'a0 Take him to the park to play with a friend or to children\'92s activities in your neighborhood. \'a0Later ask him, what did he thought\'a0of the activity, and if he enjoyed playing there.\'a0 Children also follow their parent\'92s model, so you can encourage social interaction by greeting other and asking your son to do the same, ask him to receive the guests who come to the house with you and sit to enjoy the conversation.\'a0If you notice any shakiness, becoming tearful, anxious or aggressive when approaching social encounters, you may want to talk to the school counselor or children\'92s therapist to evaluate those symptoms and rule out any behavioral problems or social anxiety.Mi hijo juega solo en el receso.\'bfDeber\'eda preocuparme al respecto?\'a0 \'bfDeber\'eda hacer algo al respecto?Cada mama es experta en la conducta de sus hijos. \'a0Primero que nada te sugiero que revises con tu hijo y le preguntes si \'e9l se siente contento jugando solo, o si se queja porque nadie quiere jugar con \'e9l.\'a0\'a0 Observa si \'e9l juega solo en la escuela, pero es sociable en otros ambientes como con la familia\'a0 o los vecinos.\'a0Jugar solo puede ser saludable para los ni\'f1os, les ayudo a ser independientes, desarrollan sentido de seguridad, y les permite explorar su ambiente y utilizar su imaginaci\'f3n, entre otros beneficios.Por otro lado, tambi\'e9n es importante desarrollar destrezas sociales y perfeccionarlas con la pr\'e1ctica.\'a0\'a0 Los ni\'f1os van por etapas de exploraci\'f3n y prueba hasta que desarrollan un nivel de confianza en sus destrezas sociales.\'a0 Dependiendo de la edad de tu hijo, puede que el necesite algunos consejos.\'a0 Prov\'e9ele la oportunidad de interactuar con otros ni\'f1os, sin obligarlo. Ya sea yendo al parque a jugar con vecinos, o a actividades comunitarias infantiles con alg\'fan amigo.\'a0 Luego preg\'fantale como le pareci\'f3 la actividad y si le gusto compartir all\'ed. \'a0Tambi\'e9n recuerda que los ni\'f1os siguen el modelo de sus padres, as\'ed que puedes motivarlo invit\'e1ndolo a que salude a otros despu\'e9s de ti, o invit\'e1ndolo a recibir a la visita que llega a la casa y que los acompa\'f1e durante la conversaci\'f3n.Si observas que tu hijo est\'e1 nervioso, lloroso, o agresivo cuando se acerca alguna actividad social, consulta con el consejero escolar o un consejero infantil para evaluar sus s\'edntomas y descarta cualquier problema de conducta o ansiedad.", |
My son plays alone at recessIs this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? | "My son plays alone at recess.Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?Every mom is the expert on their children\'92s behavior.\'a0 First of all, I suggest checking with your son, asking him if he is happy while playing alone, or does he complain that no one wants to play with him?\'a0 Does he plays alone in school, but is social in other environments, with family or neighbors?Playing alone is healthy for children, it helps them to be independent and confident, it allows them to explore their environment and use their imagination, among other benefits. \'a0On the other hand, it is also important to develop social skills early on and become confident in our skills as we grow.\'a0 Children go through stages of exploration until they develop a sense of \'93social confidence\'94. Depending on your son\'92s age, he might need some input or advice.\'a0 Provide the opportunity to interact with other children, without pushing it.\'a0 Take him to the park to play with a friend or to children\'92s activities in your neighborhood. \'a0Later ask him, what did he thought\'a0of the activity, and if he enjoyed playing there.\'a0 Children also follow their parent\'92s model, so you can encourage social interaction by greeting other and asking your son to do the same, ask him to receive the guests who come to the house with you and sit to enjoy the conversation.\'a0If you notice any shakiness, becoming tearful, anxious or aggressive when approaching social encounters, you may want to talk to the school counselor or children\'92s therapist to evaluate those symptoms and rule out any behavioral problems or social anxiety.Mi hijo juega solo en el receso.\'bfDeber\'eda preocuparme al respecto?\'a0 \'bfDeber\'eda hacer algo al respecto?Cada mama es experta en la conducta de sus hijos. \'a0Primero que nada te sugiero que revises con tu hijo y le preguntes si \'e9l se siente contento jugando solo, o si se queja porque nadie quiere jugar con \'e9l.\'a0\'a0 Observa si \'e9l juega solo en la escuela, pero es sociable en otros ambientes como con la familia\'a0 o los vecinos.\'a0Jugar solo puede ser saludable para los ni\'f1os, les ayudo a ser independientes, desarrollan sentido de seguridad, y les permite explorar su ambiente y utilizar su imaginaci\'f3n, entre otros beneficios.Por otro lado, tambi\'e9n es importante desarrollar destrezas sociales y perfeccionarlas con la pr\'e1ctica.\'a0\'a0 Los ni\'f1os van por etapas de exploraci\'f3n y prueba hasta que desarrollan un nivel de confianza en sus destrezas sociales.\'a0 Dependiendo de la edad de tu hijo, puede que el necesite algunos consejos.\'a0 Prov\'e9ele la oportunidad de interactuar con otros ni\'f1os, sin obligarlo. Ya sea yendo al parque a jugar con vecinos, o a actividades comunitarias infantiles con alg\'fan amigo.\'a0 Luego preg\'fantale como le pareci\'f3 la actividad y si le gusto compartir all\'ed. \'a0Tambi\'e9n recuerda que los ni\'f1os siguen el modelo de sus padres, as\'ed que puedes motivarlo invit\'e1ndolo a que salude a otros despu\'e9s de ti, o invit\'e1ndolo a recibir a la visita que llega a la casa y que los acompa\'f1e durante la conversaci\'f3n.Si observas que tu hijo est\'e1 nervioso, lloroso, o agresivo cuando se acerca alguna actividad social, consulta con el consejero escolar o un consejero infantil para evaluar sus s\'edntomas y descarta cualquier problema de conducta o ansiedad.", | "Humans are social creatures so this can be an alarming thing for a parent to deal with, just like adults children are not the same and some children are more social than others, if he plays alone at recess (all the time) it would worry myself as well, however recess is only one domain of life, does he have friends outside of school or daycare? Does he socialize in other situations or is it just at recess where this occurs? If this is a global problem occurring at other social times it may be indicative of something deeper going on, if perhaps it is occurring ""just during recess"" it could be something else altogether. I would request reports from all teachers and caregivers concerning socialization and make a choice on whether or not to evaluate further.Hope this helps,C", |
My son plays alone at recessIs this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? | "My son plays alone at recess.Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?Every mom is the expert on their children\'92s behavior.\'a0 First of all, I suggest checking with your son, asking him if he is happy while playing alone, or does he complain that no one wants to play with him?\'a0 Does he plays alone in school, but is social in other environments, with family or neighbors?Playing alone is healthy for children, it helps them to be independent and confident, it allows them to explore their environment and use their imagination, among other benefits. \'a0On the other hand, it is also important to develop social skills early on and become confident in our skills as we grow.\'a0 Children go through stages of exploration until they develop a sense of \'93social confidence\'94. Depending on your son\'92s age, he might need some input or advice.\'a0 Provide the opportunity to interact with other children, without pushing it.\'a0 Take him to the park to play with a friend or to children\'92s activities in your neighborhood. \'a0Later ask him, what did he thought\'a0of the activity, and if he enjoyed playing there.\'a0 Children also follow their parent\'92s model, so you can encourage social interaction by greeting other and asking your son to do the same, ask him to receive the guests who come to the house with you and sit to enjoy the conversation.\'a0If you notice any shakiness, becoming tearful, anxious or aggressive when approaching social encounters, you may want to talk to the school counselor or children\'92s therapist to evaluate those symptoms and rule out any behavioral problems or social anxiety.Mi hijo juega solo en el receso.\'bfDeber\'eda preocuparme al respecto?\'a0 \'bfDeber\'eda hacer algo al respecto?Cada mama es experta en la conducta de sus hijos. \'a0Primero que nada te sugiero que revises con tu hijo y le preguntes si \'e9l se siente contento jugando solo, o si se queja porque nadie quiere jugar con \'e9l.\'a0\'a0 Observa si \'e9l juega solo en la escuela, pero es sociable en otros ambientes como con la familia\'a0 o los vecinos.\'a0Jugar solo puede ser saludable para los ni\'f1os, les ayudo a ser independientes, desarrollan sentido de seguridad, y les permite explorar su ambiente y utilizar su imaginaci\'f3n, entre otros beneficios.Por otro lado, tambi\'e9n es importante desarrollar destrezas sociales y perfeccionarlas con la pr\'e1ctica.\'a0\'a0 Los ni\'f1os van por etapas de exploraci\'f3n y prueba hasta que desarrollan un nivel de confianza en sus destrezas sociales.\'a0 Dependiendo de la edad de tu hijo, puede que el necesite algunos consejos.\'a0 Prov\'e9ele la oportunidad de interactuar con otros ni\'f1os, sin obligarlo. Ya sea yendo al parque a jugar con vecinos, o a actividades comunitarias infantiles con alg\'fan amigo.\'a0 Luego preg\'fantale como le pareci\'f3 la actividad y si le gusto compartir all\'ed. \'a0Tambi\'e9n recuerda que los ni\'f1os siguen el modelo de sus padres, as\'ed que puedes motivarlo invit\'e1ndolo a que salude a otros despu\'e9s de ti, o invit\'e1ndolo a recibir a la visita que llega a la casa y que los acompa\'f1e durante la conversaci\'f3n.Si observas que tu hijo est\'e1 nervioso, lloroso, o agresivo cuando se acerca alguna actividad social, consulta con el consejero escolar o un consejero infantil para evaluar sus s\'edntomas y descarta cualquier problema de conducta o ansiedad.", | "The answer depends on how the other areas of your son's life are doing.Is he happy or does he seem happy, playing alone during recess?Does he have friends in other social circles besides the students whom he's with at recess?How is his academic progress?How is his social integration among his classmates?Are there any special or unusual circumstances in the home and family environment?Go through this list to form a fuller idea of whether your son simply likes alone time and takes this option during recess, or if any if the above areas show stress or difficulty for him and which need to be further understood and handled.", |
My son plays alone at recessIs this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? | "I recommend asking your son about the reasons he chooses to play alone at recess. If he is happy on his own and you know he has some friends, I would not be very concerned. However, there may be bullying going on at school. In the case of bullying, it may be a situation where you as his parent will need to step in.", | "Humans are social creatures so this can be an alarming thing for a parent to deal with, just like adults children are not the same and some children are more social than others, if he plays alone at recess (all the time) it would worry myself as well, however recess is only one domain of life, does he have friends outside of school or daycare? Does he socialize in other situations or is it just at recess where this occurs? If this is a global problem occurring at other social times it may be indicative of something deeper going on, if perhaps it is occurring ""just during recess"" it could be something else altogether. I would request reports from all teachers and caregivers concerning socialization and make a choice on whether or not to evaluate further.Hope this helps,C", |
My son plays alone at recessIs this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? | "I recommend asking your son about the reasons he chooses to play alone at recess. If he is happy on his own and you know he has some friends, I would not be very concerned. However, there may be bullying going on at school. In the case of bullying, it may be a situation where you as his parent will need to step in.", | "The answer depends on how the other areas of your son's life are doing.Is he happy or does he seem happy, playing alone during recess?Does he have friends in other social circles besides the students whom he's with at recess?How is his academic progress?How is his social integration among his classmates?Are there any special or unusual circumstances in the home and family environment?Go through this list to form a fuller idea of whether your son simply likes alone time and takes this option during recess, or if any if the above areas show stress or difficulty for him and which need to be further understood and handled.", |
My son plays alone at recessIs this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? | "The answer depends on how the other areas of your son's life are doing.Is he happy or does he seem happy, playing alone during recess?Does he have friends in other social circles besides the students whom he's with at recess?How is his academic progress?How is his social integration among his classmates?Are there any special or unusual circumstances in the home and family environment?Go through this list to form a fuller idea of whether your son simply likes alone time and takes this option during recess, or if any if the above areas show stress or difficulty for him and which need to be further understood and handled.", | "Humans are social creatures so this can be an alarming thing for a parent to deal with, just like adults children are not the same and some children are more social than others, if he plays alone at recess (all the time) it would worry myself as well, however recess is only one domain of life, does he have friends outside of school or daycare? Does he socialize in other situations or is it just at recess where this occurs? If this is a global problem occurring at other social times it may be indicative of something deeper going on, if perhaps it is occurring ""just during recess"" it could be something else altogether. I would request reports from all teachers and caregivers concerning socialization and make a choice on whether or not to evaluate further.Hope this helps,C", |
"My daughter calls me crazy and I\'m not sure how to handle that""I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their s. My youngest age continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past years as a single mom. I don\'t deny them a relationship with their dad but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I\'m not sure how to handle this." | "Hi, I understand what you're going through. Your daughters favor him because he has done no wrong in their eyes. Im guessing they lived with you? Growing up I was the same way.. I favoured my dad, thinking he has done no wrong. He also abused my mother multiple times, and that never came to mind. kids like their other parent more mainly because they don't see them everyday, and they usually buy them everything they want, because all he does it pay child support (by force) and then spoil their kids to make them happy. You seem like a great mom, don't doubt yourself.", | "It sounds really difficult to know that your daughter may be ""choosing"" her dad over you, perhaps I can help by saying her intense emotional reactions towards you actually acknowledge how much safer and connected she feels towards you. We tend to have big emotions around those we care for most. I would suggest to let her know how hard it is to hear that, and sad it make you feel at times, and that this is hard for everyone. Expressing your feelings to here, will allow her to express hers too.", |
"How do I cope with ""never being good enough?""""I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put % in to every thing. I'm worn out I've worked on all of my family relationships I'm doing great in school I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from. Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?" | "It sounds like you are aware of your positive traits but you\'a0are struggling with someone who does not acknowledge nor celebrate your efforts or achievements.\'a0\'a0 It seems like that is affecting your inner voice, which allows you to accept yourself for who you are.My suggestion is to explore that relationship\'a0and decide if that person\'92s opinion should determine how you feel about yourself. \'a0\'a0If this is an important relationship, you could communicate to this person how the lack of positive feedback is affecting you.\'a0 Then, work on spending more time with those who value you, and can give you praise, encouragement, and constructive criticism.\'a0 Also, explore your religious beliefs, and what is they say about who you are as a person.\'a0 Finally, explore with a Counselor your inner voice and try to figure out if the negative message is settling in and harming your self-esteem.\'a0\'a0 Through therapy, you could learn to self-compassion and acceptance wich will help your self esteem.\'bfC\'f3mo manejo el sentirme que \'93no soy suficiente bueno\'94?Siempre me dicen que no soy suficientemente bueno o no trato lo suficiente.\'a0 Yo pongo el 100% en todo.\'a0 Estoy agotado, he trabajado en todas mis relaciones, estoy muy bien en la escuela, trato bien a las personas que lo necesitan.\'a0 Me aferro a mis creencias religiosas y dejo espacio para los errores, y aprendo de otros para no tener que cometer los mismos.\'a0 Aun as\'ed no soy suficiente y nada de lo que hago funciona, me siento desesperanzado.\'a0 \'bfAlguna idea o sugerencia?Al parecer estas consiente de tus caracter\'edsticas positivas, pero est\'e1s teniendo \'a0dificultad con alguien que no reconoce tus esfuerzos, ni logros, y eso est\'e1 afectando esa voz interior que te permite aceptar quien eres.Mi sugerencia es que explores esa relaci\'f3n y analices si la opini\'f3n de esta persona va a determinar c\'f3mo te valoras a ti mismo.\'a0 Si es una relaci\'f3n valiosa, puedes comunicarle a la persona en cuesti\'f3n como te afecta la falta de comentarios y opiniones positivas. \'a0\'a0Luego enf\'f3cate en pasar m\'e1s tiempo con personas que te valoran, te dan halagos, te motivan y te aconsejan.\'a0 Tambi\'e9n explora que dice tu religi\'f3n sobre qui\'e9n eres como persona y cu\'e1l es tu valor.\'a0 Y por \'faltimo, explora con tu Consejero si ese mensaje negativo esta afectando tu autoestima.\'a0 A trav\'e9s de la terapia puedes aprender tecnicas auto compasi\'f3n y aceptaci\'f3n que ayudaran a fortalecerte.", | "The feeling of never feeling good enough usually stems from our early relationship with our\'a0parents or significant role models who made us to feel we were never good enough to meet their standards. In the healing process, you'll need to work on discovering the root source of where these thoughts and feelings come from and then learn to accept yourself just as you are unconditionally. I'd be pleased to help you in this process. I provide online private counseling through proventherapy.com. Dr. Rachelle Vaughan", |
"How do I cope with ""never being good enough?""""I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put % in to every thing. I'm worn out I've worked on all of my family relationships I'm doing great in school I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from. Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?" | "The feeling of never feeling good enough usually stems from our early relationship with our\'a0parents or significant role models who made us to feel we were never good enough to meet their standards. In the healing process, you'll need to work on discovering the root source of where these thoughts and feelings come from and then learn to accept yourself just as you are unconditionally. I'd be pleased to help you in this process. I provide online private counseling through proventherapy.com. Dr. Rachelle Vaughan", | "Hi, I'm Amelia! Oh, this is a common problem, unfortunately! Let me say first of all, that doing more, giving more, loving more, performing more will never provide you with a sense of worth. Nor will it satisfy those that are critical and judgmental. I am so sorry to hear that this is what you've heard all your life! You are a human BEING not a human DOING.If you can get yourself in counseling with a trusted therapist who will accept you, encourage you, hear you and support you, you can begin to work on what truth worth is. \'a0My best to you!", |
"How do I cope with ""never being good enough?""""I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put % in to every thing. I'm worn out I've worked on all of my family relationships I'm doing great in school I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from. Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?" | "It sounds like you are aware of your positive traits but you\'a0are struggling with someone who does not acknowledge nor celebrate your efforts or achievements.\'a0\'a0 It seems like that is affecting your inner voice, which allows you to accept yourself for who you are.My suggestion is to explore that relationship\'a0and decide if that person\'92s opinion should determine how you feel about yourself. \'a0\'a0If this is an important relationship, you could communicate to this person how the lack of positive feedback is affecting you.\'a0 Then, work on spending more time with those who value you, and can give you praise, encouragement, and constructive criticism.\'a0 Also, explore your religious beliefs, and what is they say about who you are as a person.\'a0 Finally, explore with a Counselor your inner voice and try to figure out if the negative message is settling in and harming your self-esteem.\'a0\'a0 Through therapy, you could learn to self-compassion and acceptance wich will help your self esteem.\'bfC\'f3mo manejo el sentirme que \'93no soy suficiente bueno\'94?Siempre me dicen que no soy suficientemente bueno o no trato lo suficiente.\'a0 Yo pongo el 100% en todo.\'a0 Estoy agotado, he trabajado en todas mis relaciones, estoy muy bien en la escuela, trato bien a las personas que lo necesitan.\'a0 Me aferro a mis creencias religiosas y dejo espacio para los errores, y aprendo de otros para no tener que cometer los mismos.\'a0 Aun as\'ed no soy suficiente y nada de lo que hago funciona, me siento desesperanzado.\'a0 \'bfAlguna idea o sugerencia?Al parecer estas consiente de tus caracter\'edsticas positivas, pero est\'e1s teniendo \'a0dificultad con alguien que no reconoce tus esfuerzos, ni logros, y eso est\'e1 afectando esa voz interior que te permite aceptar quien eres.Mi sugerencia es que explores esa relaci\'f3n y analices si la opini\'f3n de esta persona va a determinar c\'f3mo te valoras a ti mismo.\'a0 Si es una relaci\'f3n valiosa, puedes comunicarle a la persona en cuesti\'f3n como te afecta la falta de comentarios y opiniones positivas. \'a0\'a0Luego enf\'f3cate en pasar m\'e1s tiempo con personas que te valoran, te dan halagos, te motivan y te aconsejan.\'a0 Tambi\'e9n explora que dice tu religi\'f3n sobre qui\'e9n eres como persona y cu\'e1l es tu valor.\'a0 Y por \'faltimo, explora con tu Consejero si ese mensaje negativo esta afectando tu autoestima.\'a0 A trav\'e9s de la terapia puedes aprender tecnicas auto compasi\'f3n y aceptaci\'f3n que ayudaran a fortalecerte.", | "Hi, I'm Amelia! Oh, this is a common problem, unfortunately! Let me say first of all, that doing more, giving more, loving more, performing more will never provide you with a sense of worth. Nor will it satisfy those that are critical and judgmental. I am so sorry to hear that this is what you've heard all your life! You are a human BEING not a human DOING.If you can get yourself in counseling with a trusted therapist who will accept you, encourage you, hear you and support you, you can begin to work on what truth worth is. \'a0My best to you!", |
I feel like I failed myselfMy grandma had a stroke and passed away recently. I lost my home and job. I'm looking but haven't found a job. I've been binge watching television and binge eating. | "Wow, you got hit with some serious stuff all at once. Work, relationships, and housing/security are major needs for us and to lose all that at once has got to affect you. When things go wrong, it is natural for us to look for blame----and the easiest person for us to blame is ourselves. Put that with grief and you've got a recipe for feeling awful. We can start feeling so low as to want to check out with things like food, and TV as you described. It can take time for us to move to self-forgiveness, and self-kindness in order to start moving forward again. I wonder what you can do right now to improve your situation? I also wonder if you may be willing to seek counseling to help you work through some of this, to help with your perspective, and to assist in your grieving process. Just reading these 3 sentences, I get the sense of you being a nice person. I hope you can show that kind of kindness to yourself in your healing.", | "Please practice being kind to yourself!! You lost your grandmother, your home and your job! \'a0Huge changes have just taken place and it would be challenging for anyone to be unfazed. \'a0And having said that, you wrote that you have been looking for a job, so that tells me that you have most definitely not failed yourself. Try taking it one day at a time. I encourage you to recognize (and even accept) that you're going through a particularly difficult time and that everything is temporary. \'a0When we are in something, it's difficult sometimes to see the light at the end of the tunnel. \'a0Maybe you could allow yourself the grief that you are feeling, be in the tunnel, and trust that you will come through the tunnel to the other side. \'a0Be gentle and loving to yourself.", |
I Sometimes I feel like I hate myselfI feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident? | "Self love and self acceptance is something that many of my clients struggle with, so I can assure you that you are not alone. We are bombarded by media and advertisements everyday that try to sell us things to make us somehow better, thus leading us to believe that we are not enough. Unfortunately, I believe that low self esteem is a social epidemic.On a more personal level, do you have any sense of what types of messages you have received in your life that have led to these self defeating thoughts? For example, did a parent or another loved one criticize you or put you down often? Were you bulled in school? Has a romantic partner emotionally abused you? Usually, there are factors such as these which insidiously lead to low self esteem and self loathing. Once you can identify some of the factors that lead to your self hatred, you can make a decision to not let these things from your past have such power over you any more. You learn to take control of how you feel about yourself, rather than letting others dictate that for you.\'a0I do think it is possible to heal from self hatred. It doesn't happen over night, and it takes time and effort. It is about re-training your brain to focus on your strengths rather than on your weaknesses. None of us are ever going to be perfect, and if we look for a flaw we are bound to find one (or two, or three...). Try keeping a self esteem journal. Every night, write down three things that you were proud of that day about yourself. Try reciting positive affirmations every day (such as ""I am lovable and beautiful just the way that I am today""), to re-program your mind into thinking highly of yourself, rather than poorly.", | "Self-doubt and self-hatred are such common and unpleasant experiences and really worth \'a0understanding! Therapy with the right person can really help. When in your life do you feel the most confident? What gets in the way of you accepting and loving yourself (big question!). You can and will uncover that confident self!", |
I Sometimes I feel like I hate myselfI feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident? | "The most important word here is ""sometimes."" I know it is quite painful, and I can imagine that at times this pain doesn't feel like it will subside. But it sounds like it is not all the time, which means we can easily say that this ""hate myself"" experience is one part of you. There are many other parts, if you give them some space to also ""speak up,"" that will offer you more positive regard, trust me on that. Generally speaking, we just don't know how to listen to those parts, because......it is the ""I hate myself"" part that is our inner critic. And often, our inner critic has developed a lot of strength throughout our life because of how we've depended on it for certain things. Sounds crazy, but in actuality, some of the most ""successful"" people, in work mainly, are those that have strong inner critics. They use these critics to motivate themselves, but with people, and in relationships, and in our relationship with ourselves, it completely backfires, because relationships are far more dynamic processes than ""doing well at work.""So, try to acknowledge that the inner critic is one part of you, that you've learned to give a lot of space to. But, if you sit with even a remotely positive feeling you have, it can also be given the space to speak up and grow, just like the critic has over time.", | "Self-doubt and self-hatred are such common and unpleasant experiences and really worth \'a0understanding! Therapy with the right person can really help. When in your life do you feel the most confident? What gets in the way of you accepting and loving yourself (big question!). You can and will uncover that confident self!", |
I Sometimes I feel like I hate myselfI feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident? | "The answer would require a more in-depth knowledge of you and your situation.\'a0A lot of times, these feelings are the result of the people in your life treating you a certain way. You internalize it and accept it as your reality.\'a0The first step is to evaluate the people close to you, especially your parents. Even if you are an adult, think back to your childhood. Children who grow up in an unstable home often grow up to be adults with insecurities and emotional problems. The obvious, such as being abused, can certainly lead to a person having little to no confidence and self esteem, but there are other situations that might surprise you to hear they can be damaging to a person.You may have never been physically or sexually abused, but what about emotionally? Were you yelled at, berated, put down? Were you told you'd never amount to anything? Were you compared to siblings and felt like you always fell short, couldn't live up to expectations? When you hear something over and over again, you start to believe it.Maybe you weren't yelled at. Maybe it was the opposite. Studies show that children who grow up with a parent who is depressed show signs of emotional neglect. A chronically depressed mother, for example, may have seemed cold, detached, emotionless. She may have been less likely to show interest in a child's life, not give praise for accomplishments or show support by going to ballgames or performances.\'a0If one of your family members were chronically ill while you were growing up, chances are, a lot of the attention went to them, which could have led to your needs not being met.Any of these situations could cause a person to grow up feeling unimportant, unheard, unloved, or like they don't matter.Maybe nothing I've described here fits your situation. If you can't pinpoint what has caused you to feel this way on your own, a counselor can help.I am not saying ""blame it on your parents"" or telling you there's nothing you can do to change it! Quite the opposite! Understanding WHY you feel that way is a first step towards making the changes needed to feel better. Cognitive behavior therapy focuses on cognition - figure out the WHY. Then behavior - the HOW.", | "Self-doubt and self-hatred are such common and unpleasant experiences and really worth \'a0understanding! Therapy with the right person can really help. When in your life do you feel the most confident? What gets in the way of you accepting and loving yourself (big question!). You can and will uncover that confident self!", |
I Sometimes I feel like I hate myselfI feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident? | "This happens slowly and can be done.You already are at the first step of realizing that you hate yourself, not that the feelings of self-loathing are the best of what you're able to expect from life.A way to start building confidence is to pay close attention to the way you handle interactions and make decisions.If you start to notice what you'd like from an interaction, and afterwards, reflect on how well you handled yourself, especially with any unexpected circumstances, you'll build confidence in your ability to be good at something.Do you know why you hate yourself?This answer may help you address within yourself , a new type self talk which has more positives in it than what you've been accustomed to telling yourself.", | "Self-doubt and self-hatred are such common and unpleasant experiences and really worth \'a0understanding! Therapy with the right person can really help. When in your life do you feel the most confident? What gets in the way of you accepting and loving yourself (big question!). You can and will uncover that confident self!", |
I Sometimes I feel like I hate myselfI feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident? | "The most important word here is ""sometimes."" I know it is quite painful, and I can imagine that at times this pain doesn't feel like it will subside. But it sounds like it is not all the time, which means we can easily say that this ""hate myself"" experience is one part of you. There are many other parts, if you give them some space to also ""speak up,"" that will offer you more positive regard, trust me on that. Generally speaking, we just don't know how to listen to those parts, because......it is the ""I hate myself"" part that is our inner critic. And often, our inner critic has developed a lot of strength throughout our life because of how we've depended on it for certain things. Sounds crazy, but in actuality, some of the most ""successful"" people, in work mainly, are those that have strong inner critics. They use these critics to motivate themselves, but with people, and in relationships, and in our relationship with ourselves, it completely backfires, because relationships are far more dynamic processes than ""doing well at work.""So, try to acknowledge that the inner critic is one part of you, that you've learned to give a lot of space to. But, if you sit with even a remotely positive feeling you have, it can also be given the space to speak up and grow, just like the critic has over time.", | "Self love and self acceptance is something that many of my clients struggle with, so I can assure you that you are not alone. We are bombarded by media and advertisements everyday that try to sell us things to make us somehow better, thus leading us to believe that we are not enough. Unfortunately, I believe that low self esteem is a social epidemic.On a more personal level, do you have any sense of what types of messages you have received in your life that have led to these self defeating thoughts? For example, did a parent or another loved one criticize you or put you down often? Were you bulled in school? Has a romantic partner emotionally abused you? Usually, there are factors such as these which insidiously lead to low self esteem and self loathing. Once you can identify some of the factors that lead to your self hatred, you can make a decision to not let these things from your past have such power over you any more. You learn to take control of how you feel about yourself, rather than letting others dictate that for you.\'a0I do think it is possible to heal from self hatred. It doesn't happen over night, and it takes time and effort. It is about re-training your brain to focus on your strengths rather than on your weaknesses. None of us are ever going to be perfect, and if we look for a flaw we are bound to find one (or two, or three...). Try keeping a self esteem journal. Every night, write down three things that you were proud of that day about yourself. Try reciting positive affirmations every day (such as ""I am lovable and beautiful just the way that I am today""), to re-program your mind into thinking highly of yourself, rather than poorly.", |
I Sometimes I feel like I hate myselfI feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident? | "The answer would require a more in-depth knowledge of you and your situation.\'a0A lot of times, these feelings are the result of the people in your life treating you a certain way. You internalize it and accept it as your reality.\'a0The first step is to evaluate the people close to you, especially your parents. Even if you are an adult, think back to your childhood. Children who grow up in an unstable home often grow up to be adults with insecurities and emotional problems. The obvious, such as being abused, can certainly lead to a person having little to no confidence and self esteem, but there are other situations that might surprise you to hear they can be damaging to a person.You may have never been physically or sexually abused, but what about emotionally? Were you yelled at, berated, put down? Were you told you'd never amount to anything? Were you compared to siblings and felt like you always fell short, couldn't live up to expectations? When you hear something over and over again, you start to believe it.Maybe you weren't yelled at. Maybe it was the opposite. Studies show that children who grow up with a parent who is depressed show signs of emotional neglect. A chronically depressed mother, for example, may have seemed cold, detached, emotionless. She may have been less likely to show interest in a child's life, not give praise for accomplishments or show support by going to ballgames or performances.\'a0If one of your family members were chronically ill while you were growing up, chances are, a lot of the attention went to them, which could have led to your needs not being met.Any of these situations could cause a person to grow up feeling unimportant, unheard, unloved, or like they don't matter.Maybe nothing I've described here fits your situation. If you can't pinpoint what has caused you to feel this way on your own, a counselor can help.I am not saying ""blame it on your parents"" or telling you there's nothing you can do to change it! Quite the opposite! Understanding WHY you feel that way is a first step towards making the changes needed to feel better. Cognitive behavior therapy focuses on cognition - figure out the WHY. Then behavior - the HOW.", | "Self love and self acceptance is something that many of my clients struggle with, so I can assure you that you are not alone. We are bombarded by media and advertisements everyday that try to sell us things to make us somehow better, thus leading us to believe that we are not enough. Unfortunately, I believe that low self esteem is a social epidemic.On a more personal level, do you have any sense of what types of messages you have received in your life that have led to these self defeating thoughts? For example, did a parent or another loved one criticize you or put you down often? Were you bulled in school? Has a romantic partner emotionally abused you? Usually, there are factors such as these which insidiously lead to low self esteem and self loathing. Once you can identify some of the factors that lead to your self hatred, you can make a decision to not let these things from your past have such power over you any more. You learn to take control of how you feel about yourself, rather than letting others dictate that for you.\'a0I do think it is possible to heal from self hatred. It doesn't happen over night, and it takes time and effort. It is about re-training your brain to focus on your strengths rather than on your weaknesses. None of us are ever going to be perfect, and if we look for a flaw we are bound to find one (or two, or three...). Try keeping a self esteem journal. Every night, write down three things that you were proud of that day about yourself. Try reciting positive affirmations every day (such as ""I am lovable and beautiful just the way that I am today""), to re-program your mind into thinking highly of yourself, rather than poorly.", |
I Sometimes I feel like I hate myselfI feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident? | "This happens slowly and can be done.You already are at the first step of realizing that you hate yourself, not that the feelings of self-loathing are the best of what you're able to expect from life.A way to start building confidence is to pay close attention to the way you handle interactions and make decisions.If you start to notice what you'd like from an interaction, and afterwards, reflect on how well you handled yourself, especially with any unexpected circumstances, you'll build confidence in your ability to be good at something.Do you know why you hate yourself?This answer may help you address within yourself , a new type self talk which has more positives in it than what you've been accustomed to telling yourself.", | "Self love and self acceptance is something that many of my clients struggle with, so I can assure you that you are not alone. We are bombarded by media and advertisements everyday that try to sell us things to make us somehow better, thus leading us to believe that we are not enough. Unfortunately, I believe that low self esteem is a social epidemic.On a more personal level, do you have any sense of what types of messages you have received in your life that have led to these self defeating thoughts? For example, did a parent or another loved one criticize you or put you down often? Were you bulled in school? Has a romantic partner emotionally abused you? Usually, there are factors such as these which insidiously lead to low self esteem and self loathing. Once you can identify some of the factors that lead to your self hatred, you can make a decision to not let these things from your past have such power over you any more. You learn to take control of how you feel about yourself, rather than letting others dictate that for you.\'a0I do think it is possible to heal from self hatred. It doesn't happen over night, and it takes time and effort. It is about re-training your brain to focus on your strengths rather than on your weaknesses. None of us are ever going to be perfect, and if we look for a flaw we are bound to find one (or two, or three...). Try keeping a self esteem journal. Every night, write down three things that you were proud of that day about yourself. Try reciting positive affirmations every day (such as ""I am lovable and beautiful just the way that I am today""), to re-program your mind into thinking highly of yourself, rather than poorly.", |
I Sometimes I feel like I hate myselfI feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident? | "The most important word here is ""sometimes."" I know it is quite painful, and I can imagine that at times this pain doesn't feel like it will subside. But it sounds like it is not all the time, which means we can easily say that this ""hate myself"" experience is one part of you. There are many other parts, if you give them some space to also ""speak up,"" that will offer you more positive regard, trust me on that. Generally speaking, we just don't know how to listen to those parts, because......it is the ""I hate myself"" part that is our inner critic. And often, our inner critic has developed a lot of strength throughout our life because of how we've depended on it for certain things. Sounds crazy, but in actuality, some of the most ""successful"" people, in work mainly, are those that have strong inner critics. They use these critics to motivate themselves, but with people, and in relationships, and in our relationship with ourselves, it completely backfires, because relationships are far more dynamic processes than ""doing well at work.""So, try to acknowledge that the inner critic is one part of you, that you've learned to give a lot of space to. But, if you sit with even a remotely positive feeling you have, it can also be given the space to speak up and grow, just like the critic has over time.", | "The answer would require a more in-depth knowledge of you and your situation.\'a0A lot of times, these feelings are the result of the people in your life treating you a certain way. You internalize it and accept it as your reality.\'a0The first step is to evaluate the people close to you, especially your parents. Even if you are an adult, think back to your childhood. Children who grow up in an unstable home often grow up to be adults with insecurities and emotional problems. The obvious, such as being abused, can certainly lead to a person having little to no confidence and self esteem, but there are other situations that might surprise you to hear they can be damaging to a person.You may have never been physically or sexually abused, but what about emotionally? Were you yelled at, berated, put down? Were you told you'd never amount to anything? Were you compared to siblings and felt like you always fell short, couldn't live up to expectations? When you hear something over and over again, you start to believe it.Maybe you weren't yelled at. Maybe it was the opposite. Studies show that children who grow up with a parent who is depressed show signs of emotional neglect. A chronically depressed mother, for example, may have seemed cold, detached, emotionless. She may have been less likely to show interest in a child's life, not give praise for accomplishments or show support by going to ballgames or performances.\'a0If one of your family members were chronically ill while you were growing up, chances are, a lot of the attention went to them, which could have led to your needs not being met.Any of these situations could cause a person to grow up feeling unimportant, unheard, unloved, or like they don't matter.Maybe nothing I've described here fits your situation. If you can't pinpoint what has caused you to feel this way on your own, a counselor can help.I am not saying ""blame it on your parents"" or telling you there's nothing you can do to change it! Quite the opposite! Understanding WHY you feel that way is a first step towards making the changes needed to feel better. Cognitive behavior therapy focuses on cognition - figure out the WHY. Then behavior - the HOW.", |
I Sometimes I feel like I hate myselfI feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident? | "This happens slowly and can be done.You already are at the first step of realizing that you hate yourself, not that the feelings of self-loathing are the best of what you're able to expect from life.A way to start building confidence is to pay close attention to the way you handle interactions and make decisions.If you start to notice what you'd like from an interaction, and afterwards, reflect on how well you handled yourself, especially with any unexpected circumstances, you'll build confidence in your ability to be good at something.Do you know why you hate yourself?This answer may help you address within yourself , a new type self talk which has more positives in it than what you've been accustomed to telling yourself.", | "The most important word here is ""sometimes."" I know it is quite painful, and I can imagine that at times this pain doesn't feel like it will subside. But it sounds like it is not all the time, which means we can easily say that this ""hate myself"" experience is one part of you. There are many other parts, if you give them some space to also ""speak up,"" that will offer you more positive regard, trust me on that. Generally speaking, we just don't know how to listen to those parts, because......it is the ""I hate myself"" part that is our inner critic. And often, our inner critic has developed a lot of strength throughout our life because of how we've depended on it for certain things. Sounds crazy, but in actuality, some of the most ""successful"" people, in work mainly, are those that have strong inner critics. They use these critics to motivate themselves, but with people, and in relationships, and in our relationship with ourselves, it completely backfires, because relationships are far more dynamic processes than ""doing well at work.""So, try to acknowledge that the inner critic is one part of you, that you've learned to give a lot of space to. But, if you sit with even a remotely positive feeling you have, it can also be given the space to speak up and grow, just like the critic has over time.", |
I Sometimes I feel like I hate myselfI feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident? | "This happens slowly and can be done.You already are at the first step of realizing that you hate yourself, not that the feelings of self-loathing are the best of what you're able to expect from life.A way to start building confidence is to pay close attention to the way you handle interactions and make decisions.If you start to notice what you'd like from an interaction, and afterwards, reflect on how well you handled yourself, especially with any unexpected circumstances, you'll build confidence in your ability to be good at something.Do you know why you hate yourself?This answer may help you address within yourself , a new type self talk which has more positives in it than what you've been accustomed to telling yourself.", | "The answer would require a more in-depth knowledge of you and your situation.\'a0A lot of times, these feelings are the result of the people in your life treating you a certain way. You internalize it and accept it as your reality.\'a0The first step is to evaluate the people close to you, especially your parents. Even if you are an adult, think back to your childhood. Children who grow up in an unstable home often grow up to be adults with insecurities and emotional problems. The obvious, such as being abused, can certainly lead to a person having little to no confidence and self esteem, but there are other situations that might surprise you to hear they can be damaging to a person.You may have never been physically or sexually abused, but what about emotionally? Were you yelled at, berated, put down? Were you told you'd never amount to anything? Were you compared to siblings and felt like you always fell short, couldn't live up to expectations? When you hear something over and over again, you start to believe it.Maybe you weren't yelled at. Maybe it was the opposite. Studies show that children who grow up with a parent who is depressed show signs of emotional neglect. A chronically depressed mother, for example, may have seemed cold, detached, emotionless. She may have been less likely to show interest in a child's life, not give praise for accomplishments or show support by going to ballgames or performances.\'a0If one of your family members were chronically ill while you were growing up, chances are, a lot of the attention went to them, which could have led to your needs not being met.Any of these situations could cause a person to grow up feeling unimportant, unheard, unloved, or like they don't matter.Maybe nothing I've described here fits your situation. If you can't pinpoint what has caused you to feel this way on your own, a counselor can help.I am not saying ""blame it on your parents"" or telling you there's nothing you can do to change it! Quite the opposite! Understanding WHY you feel that way is a first step towards making the changes needed to feel better. Cognitive behavior therapy focuses on cognition - figure out the WHY. Then behavior - the HOW.", |
How do I handle being wanted in a relationship when I'm used to feeling unwanted?"I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us." | "Hi! Thank you for your question. It's tough to be in a healthy and loving relationship when we believe we are not worth it. Quite often being in such a relationship is very uncomfortable as it goes against everything we believe about ourselves.\'a0First, I want to say you are very brave to open up yourself to the relationship with this wonderful woman you met.\'a0Second, I would like to invite you to treat yourself with compassion as you are entering this unknown territory for yourself. Doing something new and totally unfamiliar can be scary, so it's vital that you are kind and gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that what you are doing is scary and uncomfortable and that it will take some time to get used to it.\'a0Don't judge yourself and force yourself to feel a certain way. It's important that you are patient with yourself and tolerant of your discomfort. With time, space, kindness, and tolerance your discomfort and fear will start to dissolve. Invite your new partner to also relate to your feelings in the open and compassionate way.\'a0The worst thing that you or your partner can do is to rush your feelings, pressure you to feel in a different way or to say that there is something wrong with you cause you feel a certain way. Please be gentle with yourself and celebrate and acknowledge every small victory. Every time you do something little, like holding hands or receive a compliment and it no longer scares you as it did a week ago - celebrate that progress!", | "You're in a lot of good company and it's great that you're in a positive relationship. Congratulations!I often hear people talk about loving yourself and self esteem. We often seem to blame ourselves for not ""loving ourselves"" enough or put ourselves down for having low self esteem. It seems to me that since we are essentially socially beings and in fact, need each other for our survival, we really know who we are through our many interactions with others and with our environment. In other words, you can't just snap your fingers and voila! now I love myself, where there was an empty space or self-doubt before. We grow that warm coal inside ourselves through the friction of contact with others who value and validate us. \'a0Allow yourself to be patient with yourself as you experience this new relationship. You are learning a new model of who you are and how you fit into the world. What a marvelous gift for you!\'a0You may also have fears that the current joys may be temporary or unreliable. These fears of loss may get in your way, however understandable. If you are truly close to your companion, you can share with her that you are loving your relationship but sometimes fear it will go away and sometimes have trouble really trusting it. Such a conversation may bring you both closer.\'a0Hang in there. You're working on co-creating a new normal with a great woman.", |
How do I handle being wanted in a relationship when I'm used to feeling unwanted?"I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us." | "This can be really anxiety-producing when you have not felt it before. It may be helpful to work through some of this with a local therapist so you can get more specific ideas.Some other things that come to my mind are maybe talking about spending about 10 minutes or so discussing how you are feeling and seeing if your partner is willing to listen. Then you could ask questions about how she would react if you were doing something she did not like. This allows you to react to information she is actually giving you rather than your perceptions that sound like they are different than what she is trying to tell you. This gives you the power to receive the messages that she is sending to you.I would also wonder where you have learned that there wasn't much good out there for you and how you can stay present in the moment when you are with your girlfriend and see that she wants to be there with you. Perhaps you could look at what makes you feel emotionally safe and trusting with her and focus on that. You could even remind yourself ""okay, I'm here with [name of girlfriend] and this is okay when I'm with her.""We all have different levels of defenses in situations in which different people. It's common for people to see these things as black and white (either totally open or very self-protective. In reality, it's much more like a rainbow and the different shades of color that are available in the rainbow spectrum of white light (it's not really Just red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet that we all know, but an infinite spectrum of shades of colors that fade from one into the next). You can change your level of defensiveness with your girlfriend depending upon the location you are in, the mood you are both in, the subject, etc. There are infinite numbers of choices and you can experiment.Another thing that could help is to communicate about communication. If one of you uses a phrase that triggers something from earlier in your life or is really uncomfortable, you could discuss that. If she says certain things that make you feel really comfortable, you could discuss that as well.Hopefully you can learn more about yourselves and each other at the same time.", | "You're in a lot of good company and it's great that you're in a positive relationship. Congratulations!I often hear people talk about loving yourself and self esteem. We often seem to blame ourselves for not ""loving ourselves"" enough or put ourselves down for having low self esteem. It seems to me that since we are essentially socially beings and in fact, need each other for our survival, we really know who we are through our many interactions with others and with our environment. In other words, you can't just snap your fingers and voila! now I love myself, where there was an empty space or self-doubt before. We grow that warm coal inside ourselves through the friction of contact with others who value and validate us. \'a0Allow yourself to be patient with yourself as you experience this new relationship. You are learning a new model of who you are and how you fit into the world. What a marvelous gift for you!\'a0You may also have fears that the current joys may be temporary or unreliable. These fears of loss may get in your way, however understandable. If you are truly close to your companion, you can share with her that you are loving your relationship but sometimes fear it will go away and sometimes have trouble really trusting it. Such a conversation may bring you both closer.\'a0Hang in there. You're working on co-creating a new normal with a great woman.", |
How do I handle being wanted in a relationship when I'm used to feeling unwanted?"I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us." | "This can be really anxiety-producing when you have not felt it before. It may be helpful to work through some of this with a local therapist so you can get more specific ideas.Some other things that come to my mind are maybe talking about spending about 10 minutes or so discussing how you are feeling and seeing if your partner is willing to listen. Then you could ask questions about how she would react if you were doing something she did not like. This allows you to react to information she is actually giving you rather than your perceptions that sound like they are different than what she is trying to tell you. This gives you the power to receive the messages that she is sending to you.I would also wonder where you have learned that there wasn't much good out there for you and how you can stay present in the moment when you are with your girlfriend and see that she wants to be there with you. Perhaps you could look at what makes you feel emotionally safe and trusting with her and focus on that. You could even remind yourself ""okay, I'm here with [name of girlfriend] and this is okay when I'm with her.""We all have different levels of defenses in situations in which different people. It's common for people to see these things as black and white (either totally open or very self-protective. In reality, it's much more like a rainbow and the different shades of color that are available in the rainbow spectrum of white light (it's not really Just red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet that we all know, but an infinite spectrum of shades of colors that fade from one into the next). You can change your level of defensiveness with your girlfriend depending upon the location you are in, the mood you are both in, the subject, etc. There are infinite numbers of choices and you can experiment.Another thing that could help is to communicate about communication. If one of you uses a phrase that triggers something from earlier in your life or is really uncomfortable, you could discuss that. If she says certain things that make you feel really comfortable, you could discuss that as well.Hopefully you can learn more about yourselves and each other at the same time.", | "Hi! Thank you for your question. It's tough to be in a healthy and loving relationship when we believe we are not worth it. Quite often being in such a relationship is very uncomfortable as it goes against everything we believe about ourselves.\'a0First, I want to say you are very brave to open up yourself to the relationship with this wonderful woman you met.\'a0Second, I would like to invite you to treat yourself with compassion as you are entering this unknown territory for yourself. Doing something new and totally unfamiliar can be scary, so it's vital that you are kind and gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that what you are doing is scary and uncomfortable and that it will take some time to get used to it.\'a0Don't judge yourself and force yourself to feel a certain way. It's important that you are patient with yourself and tolerant of your discomfort. With time, space, kindness, and tolerance your discomfort and fear will start to dissolve. Invite your new partner to also relate to your feelings in the open and compassionate way.\'a0The worst thing that you or your partner can do is to rush your feelings, pressure you to feel in a different way or to say that there is something wrong with you cause you feel a certain way. Please be gentle with yourself and celebrate and acknowledge every small victory. Every time you do something little, like holding hands or receive a compliment and it no longer scares you as it did a week ago - celebrate that progress!", |
Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend?"I'm a male in my s. My girlfriend is in her late s. She's great. She's funny and smart she has a big heart and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It\'s mostly my fault I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole ""If you love them let them go"" but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can\'t break up with her. I\'m literally trapped." | "Are you possibly mixing up an impulse to nurture and protect someone, such as by offering housing, and your own need to feel loved and appreciated as a romantic partner?Maybe your feeling of jealousy is really your awareness of a reasonable need to be loved by a partner.Even though you are quite detailed in your description of your partner, one piece which is missing, is whether you feel you are loved by her.Maybe too, what she considers your insecurity, is really her unwillgness to love you.It's always easier to put distance between two people by insulting them.I hope this gives you a few new ways to look at your situation.A few therapy sessions, either by yourself or together w your gf, would give you more chance to know more deeply what it is you are facing.", | "It sounds like there are assumptions being made regarding how she feels about you and why she is with you. I would not suggest breaking up with her without first attempting to resolve your own issues. You may not only regret your decision, but might find that the exact same problem arises in future relationships. I would recommend seeing a therapist who can help you figure out what is at the root of all of this. By learning about your own insecurities and where they come from, you can expect to discover new ways of responding and relating to others, which will likely impact your relationship in a positive manner.", |
My relationship is suffering from severe abandonment issues"I feel as though I'm suffering severe abandonment issues stemming from childhood. I convince myself I'm not worthy of happiness and I\'m always afraid I'm doing something wrong. It's as if I create little scenarios in my mind and I start to believe them." | "I\'92m glad that you are reaching out for help. What you are experiencing is common for people who have experienced abuse, neglect, or other forms of trauma. When people experience trauma they develop a feeling of shame and start becoming self critical. Therapy can help regulate these thoughts and feelings of abandonment so they are not so overwhelming. Negative self talk can be extremely \'a0exhausting. You are already starting the healing process by becoming self aware and seeking help.\'a0Best wishesKatrina Whitehead MA LPCC", | "I would like to offer my compassion that you are struggling with with these feelings. With the information provided and not knowing what your childhood was like or what you've experienced, I will say that from my experience working with people, these feelings are normal, and a normal part \'a0of the process \'a0of healing and just by posting your question tells me you're aware and desire to change this. Very good! I commend your strength. Your feelings are not uncommon and the feelings of abandonment, or second guessing or loss of happiness are also not uncommon. \'a0It's also not uncommon for these issues to arise and trickle into our adult life and relationships.\'a0Again, with little information about your situation, it is hard to give an exact answer. However, those who have experienced a dysfunctional childhood or trauma, often present with the issues and feelings you've described. The great news, is that with good therapy, you can regain your happiness, self worth and begin to feel \'a0empowered, you deserve to be happy. Be patient, gentle and kind \'a0to yourself. I would encourage you to begin with searching for a licensed therapist in your area, maybe go for a consultation session \'a0and simply see how your feel about it. Therapy can be incredibly helpful and life changing. I wish you the very best!\'a0Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC", |
How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | "First I think we have to acknowledge that you are doing something amazing.\'a0 You are putting yourself out there and becoming a Water Safety Instructor.\'a0\'a0 We often times will focus on the negative and forget about the positive.\'a0 Next, you had an incident where someone pointed something out which may have caused embarrassment.\'a0 Whether or not it was malicious on his part I think the important thing to focus on is what is called ""Common Humanity"".\'a0 Common Humanity is one of the three elements of self-compassion.\'a0 Common humanity essentially recognizes that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience.\'a0 While you may have had this embarrassing moment at this time, that boy may have had an embarrassing moment another day.\'a0 We all have embarrassing moments.\'a0 When we recognize that we do not suffer in isolation then we are able to move past that suffering.\'a0 Additionally another element to self-compassion is self-kindness.\'a0 My question is why must you forgive yourself?\'a0 Rather, be kind to yourself for learning an amazing new talent.", | "As far as I can tell, you received unwanted attention, but you didn't do anything wrong. \'a0What did your instructor say? Anything? If the outfit was not appropriate then the instructor should tell you--If he/she didn't then assume the swimsuit was okay, but the gentleman in the class wanted your attention and took it upon himself to comment, in order to get that attention. \'a0If you don't want his attention then you have a couple of choices--wear a shirt \'a0over the swim top, find an inexpensive swim top to replace the one you have, or wear what you have as long as the instructor doesn't say anything, and if you get unwanted attention say in as confident, slightly loud, voice as you can muster. \'a0""I don't appreciate your critique of what I'm wearing, we're here to take a class, let's just focus on that. Then, \'a0Turn on your heel and walk away.", |
How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | "First I think we have to acknowledge that you are doing something amazing.\'a0 You are putting yourself out there and becoming a Water Safety Instructor.\'a0\'a0 We often times will focus on the negative and forget about the positive.\'a0 Next, you had an incident where someone pointed something out which may have caused embarrassment.\'a0 Whether or not it was malicious on his part I think the important thing to focus on is what is called ""Common Humanity"".\'a0 Common Humanity is one of the three elements of self-compassion.\'a0 Common humanity essentially recognizes that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience.\'a0 While you may have had this embarrassing moment at this time, that boy may have had an embarrassing moment another day.\'a0 We all have embarrassing moments.\'a0 When we recognize that we do not suffer in isolation then we are able to move past that suffering.\'a0 Additionally another element to self-compassion is self-kindness.\'a0 My question is why must you forgive yourself?\'a0 Rather, be kind to yourself for learning an amazing new talent.", | "Everybody does something or a few things in their life which looking back, the person wishes they hadn't.The key to feeling better is to realize that as long as you learn something for the future from your mistake, then you will be doing all that any human being is capable of doing.Your mistake sounds genuine, not that you were deliberately trying to create a stir or harm yourself or anyone.Now that this student in your class pointed out your mistake, you will learn to notice the appearance of your swimwear.Put in context that feeling foolish for doing something embarrassing means that overall, you generally do most activity in your life, in non-foolish ways.The incident would only bother someone who generally is responsible. \'a0The mistake is a contrast with what is usual behavior for you.I hope you'll enjoy swimsuit shopping and find a beautiful bargain!", |
How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | "First I think we have to acknowledge that you are doing something amazing.\'a0 You are putting yourself out there and becoming a Water Safety Instructor.\'a0\'a0 We often times will focus on the negative and forget about the positive.\'a0 Next, you had an incident where someone pointed something out which may have caused embarrassment.\'a0 Whether or not it was malicious on his part I think the important thing to focus on is what is called ""Common Humanity"".\'a0 Common Humanity is one of the three elements of self-compassion.\'a0 Common humanity essentially recognizes that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience.\'a0 While you may have had this embarrassing moment at this time, that boy may have had an embarrassing moment another day.\'a0 We all have embarrassing moments.\'a0 When we recognize that we do not suffer in isolation then we are able to move past that suffering.\'a0 Additionally another element to self-compassion is self-kindness.\'a0 My question is why must you forgive yourself?\'a0 Rather, be kind to yourself for learning an amazing new talent.", | "Sometimes we make ourselves feel worse with our own thoughts about things we can't change. We know that it is possible to overcome embarrassment and self-blame, but why does it seem so difficult to overcome it sometimes? If you tune into your own thoughts, or your ""internal dialogue"", you'll notice that your thoughts are connected to your feelings. So people who are holding onto embarrassment and self-blame often have thoughts like, ""How could I do that?"", ""I looked so stupid!"" ""Now people saw things I did not want them to see!"" If we tune in more, we might notice we are thinking that this is terrible, horrible, and that we cannot deal with it. These are self-sabotaging thoughts that lead to shame, self-blame and embarrassment. If you look at the evidence, you can find more rational thoughts such as, "" We all make mistakes"", ""People can look all different ways at different time - this incident does not define me!"" and ""If someone has a bad image or thought about me, it is really OK! People have all kinds of thoughts about other people, and it does not have to be a major problem."" When you practice your rational thoughts often and replace the negative ones, you will start to feel better, more confident and your embarrassment will decrease quickly.", |
How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | "First I think we have to acknowledge that you are doing something amazing.\'a0 You are putting yourself out there and becoming a Water Safety Instructor.\'a0\'a0 We often times will focus on the negative and forget about the positive.\'a0 Next, you had an incident where someone pointed something out which may have caused embarrassment.\'a0 Whether or not it was malicious on his part I think the important thing to focus on is what is called ""Common Humanity"".\'a0 Common Humanity is one of the three elements of self-compassion.\'a0 Common humanity essentially recognizes that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience.\'a0 While you may have had this embarrassing moment at this time, that boy may have had an embarrassing moment another day.\'a0 We all have embarrassing moments.\'a0 When we recognize that we do not suffer in isolation then we are able to move past that suffering.\'a0 Additionally another element to self-compassion is self-kindness.\'a0 My question is why must you forgive yourself?\'a0 Rather, be kind to yourself for learning an amazing new talent.", | "First of all, congratulations to you on becoming a Water Safety Instructor.As far as how to forgive yourself, this is probably one of the toughest things that we ask of ourselves, no matter the subject. On the other hand, it sounds like the location of the mistake means that after you get through the class, you won't see the same people much longer, so hopefully the embarrassment will be temporary.As far as the class, maybe you can give yourself compassion for the idea that we all make mistakes and it certainly sounds like it wasn't intentional. I think we have all had a swimsuit shift in unwanted direction.Trying to make sure that the same thing doesn't happen again would probably be helpful, but it sounds like you are already doing that. Something else you could do is think of something you can say to yourself when someone says something embarrassing about that occurrence, such as ""it was an accident and I have fixed it now.""You may find some helpful tips here\'a0 |
How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | "As far as I can tell, you received unwanted attention, but you didn't do anything wrong. \'a0What did your instructor say? Anything? If the outfit was not appropriate then the instructor should tell you--If he/she didn't then assume the swimsuit was okay, but the gentleman in the class wanted your attention and took it upon himself to comment, in order to get that attention. \'a0If you don't want his attention then you have a couple of choices--wear a shirt \'a0over the swim top, find an inexpensive swim top to replace the one you have, or wear what you have as long as the instructor doesn't say anything, and if you get unwanted attention say in as confident, slightly loud, voice as you can muster. \'a0""I don't appreciate your critique of what I'm wearing, we're here to take a class, let's just focus on that. Then, \'a0Turn on your heel and walk away.", | "Everybody does something or a few things in their life which looking back, the person wishes they hadn't.The key to feeling better is to realize that as long as you learn something for the future from your mistake, then you will be doing all that any human being is capable of doing.Your mistake sounds genuine, not that you were deliberately trying to create a stir or harm yourself or anyone.Now that this student in your class pointed out your mistake, you will learn to notice the appearance of your swimwear.Put in context that feeling foolish for doing something embarrassing means that overall, you generally do most activity in your life, in non-foolish ways.The incident would only bother someone who generally is responsible. \'a0The mistake is a contrast with what is usual behavior for you.I hope you'll enjoy swimsuit shopping and find a beautiful bargain!", |
How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | "Sometimes we make ourselves feel worse with our own thoughts about things we can't change. We know that it is possible to overcome embarrassment and self-blame, but why does it seem so difficult to overcome it sometimes? If you tune into your own thoughts, or your ""internal dialogue"", you'll notice that your thoughts are connected to your feelings. So people who are holding onto embarrassment and self-blame often have thoughts like, ""How could I do that?"", ""I looked so stupid!"" ""Now people saw things I did not want them to see!"" If we tune in more, we might notice we are thinking that this is terrible, horrible, and that we cannot deal with it. These are self-sabotaging thoughts that lead to shame, self-blame and embarrassment. If you look at the evidence, you can find more rational thoughts such as, "" We all make mistakes"", ""People can look all different ways at different time - this incident does not define me!"" and ""If someone has a bad image or thought about me, it is really OK! People have all kinds of thoughts about other people, and it does not have to be a major problem."" When you practice your rational thoughts often and replace the negative ones, you will start to feel better, more confident and your embarrassment will decrease quickly.", | "As far as I can tell, you received unwanted attention, but you didn't do anything wrong. \'a0What did your instructor say? Anything? If the outfit was not appropriate then the instructor should tell you--If he/she didn't then assume the swimsuit was okay, but the gentleman in the class wanted your attention and took it upon himself to comment, in order to get that attention. \'a0If you don't want his attention then you have a couple of choices--wear a shirt \'a0over the swim top, find an inexpensive swim top to replace the one you have, or wear what you have as long as the instructor doesn't say anything, and if you get unwanted attention say in as confident, slightly loud, voice as you can muster. \'a0""I don't appreciate your critique of what I'm wearing, we're here to take a class, let's just focus on that. Then, \'a0Turn on your heel and walk away.", |
How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | "As far as I can tell, you received unwanted attention, but you didn't do anything wrong. \'a0What did your instructor say? Anything? If the outfit was not appropriate then the instructor should tell you--If he/she didn't then assume the swimsuit was okay, but the gentleman in the class wanted your attention and took it upon himself to comment, in order to get that attention. \'a0If you don't want his attention then you have a couple of choices--wear a shirt \'a0over the swim top, find an inexpensive swim top to replace the one you have, or wear what you have as long as the instructor doesn't say anything, and if you get unwanted attention say in as confident, slightly loud, voice as you can muster. \'a0""I don't appreciate your critique of what I'm wearing, we're here to take a class, let's just focus on that. Then, \'a0Turn on your heel and walk away.", | "First of all, congratulations to you on becoming a Water Safety Instructor.As far as how to forgive yourself, this is probably one of the toughest things that we ask of ourselves, no matter the subject. On the other hand, it sounds like the location of the mistake means that after you get through the class, you won't see the same people much longer, so hopefully the embarrassment will be temporary.As far as the class, maybe you can give yourself compassion for the idea that we all make mistakes and it certainly sounds like it wasn't intentional. I think we have all had a swimsuit shift in unwanted direction.Trying to make sure that the same thing doesn't happen again would probably be helpful, but it sounds like you are already doing that. Something else you could do is think of something you can say to yourself when someone says something embarrassing about that occurrence, such as ""it was an accident and I have fixed it now.""You may find some helpful tips here\'a0 |
How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | "Sometimes we make ourselves feel worse with our own thoughts about things we can't change. We know that it is possible to overcome embarrassment and self-blame, but why does it seem so difficult to overcome it sometimes? If you tune into your own thoughts, or your ""internal dialogue"", you'll notice that your thoughts are connected to your feelings. So people who are holding onto embarrassment and self-blame often have thoughts like, ""How could I do that?"", ""I looked so stupid!"" ""Now people saw things I did not want them to see!"" If we tune in more, we might notice we are thinking that this is terrible, horrible, and that we cannot deal with it. These are self-sabotaging thoughts that lead to shame, self-blame and embarrassment. If you look at the evidence, you can find more rational thoughts such as, "" We all make mistakes"", ""People can look all different ways at different time - this incident does not define me!"" and ""If someone has a bad image or thought about me, it is really OK! People have all kinds of thoughts about other people, and it does not have to be a major problem."" When you practice your rational thoughts often and replace the negative ones, you will start to feel better, more confident and your embarrassment will decrease quickly.", | "Everybody does something or a few things in their life which looking back, the person wishes they hadn't.The key to feeling better is to realize that as long as you learn something for the future from your mistake, then you will be doing all that any human being is capable of doing.Your mistake sounds genuine, not that you were deliberately trying to create a stir or harm yourself or anyone.Now that this student in your class pointed out your mistake, you will learn to notice the appearance of your swimwear.Put in context that feeling foolish for doing something embarrassing means that overall, you generally do most activity in your life, in non-foolish ways.The incident would only bother someone who generally is responsible. \'a0The mistake is a contrast with what is usual behavior for you.I hope you'll enjoy swimsuit shopping and find a beautiful bargain!", |
How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | "First of all, congratulations to you on becoming a Water Safety Instructor.As far as how to forgive yourself, this is probably one of the toughest things that we ask of ourselves, no matter the subject. On the other hand, it sounds like the location of the mistake means that after you get through the class, you won't see the same people much longer, so hopefully the embarrassment will be temporary.As far as the class, maybe you can give yourself compassion for the idea that we all make mistakes and it certainly sounds like it wasn't intentional. I think we have all had a swimsuit shift in unwanted direction.Trying to make sure that the same thing doesn't happen again would probably be helpful, but it sounds like you are already doing that. Something else you could do is think of something you can say to yourself when someone says something embarrassing about that occurrence, such as ""it was an accident and I have fixed it now.""You may find some helpful tips here\'a0 | "Everybody does something or a few things in their life which looking back, the person wishes they hadn't.The key to feeling better is to realize that as long as you learn something for the future from your mistake, then you will be doing all that any human being is capable of doing.Your mistake sounds genuine, not that you were deliberately trying to create a stir or harm yourself or anyone.Now that this student in your class pointed out your mistake, you will learn to notice the appearance of your swimwear.Put in context that feeling foolish for doing something embarrassing means that overall, you generally do most activity in your life, in non-foolish ways.The incident would only bother someone who generally is responsible. \'a0The mistake is a contrast with what is usual behavior for you.I hope you'll enjoy swimsuit shopping and find a beautiful bargain!", |
How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | "Sometimes we make ourselves feel worse with our own thoughts about things we can't change. We know that it is possible to overcome embarrassment and self-blame, but why does it seem so difficult to overcome it sometimes? If you tune into your own thoughts, or your ""internal dialogue"", you'll notice that your thoughts are connected to your feelings. So people who are holding onto embarrassment and self-blame often have thoughts like, ""How could I do that?"", ""I looked so stupid!"" ""Now people saw things I did not want them to see!"" If we tune in more, we might notice we are thinking that this is terrible, horrible, and that we cannot deal with it. These are self-sabotaging thoughts that lead to shame, self-blame and embarrassment. If you look at the evidence, you can find more rational thoughts such as, "" We all make mistakes"", ""People can look all different ways at different time - this incident does not define me!"" and ""If someone has a bad image or thought about me, it is really OK! People have all kinds of thoughts about other people, and it does not have to be a major problem."" When you practice your rational thoughts often and replace the negative ones, you will start to feel better, more confident and your embarrassment will decrease quickly.", | "First of all, congratulations to you on becoming a Water Safety Instructor.As far as how to forgive yourself, this is probably one of the toughest things that we ask of ourselves, no matter the subject. On the other hand, it sounds like the location of the mistake means that after you get through the class, you won't see the same people much longer, so hopefully the embarrassment will be temporary.As far as the class, maybe you can give yourself compassion for the idea that we all make mistakes and it certainly sounds like it wasn't intentional. I think we have all had a swimsuit shift in unwanted direction.Trying to make sure that the same thing doesn't happen again would probably be helpful, but it sounds like you are already doing that. Something else you could do is think of something you can say to yourself when someone says something embarrassing about that occurrence, such as ""it was an accident and I have fixed it now.""You may find some helpful tips here\'a0 |
I am very self conscious about my bodyOn the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. How do I fix this? | "Wear baggy clothes to disguise the problem and if you do this for a long enough time, then your friends may forget what size boobs you have.Can you tell your parents what you wrote here? \'a0If yes, then maybe they will be empathetic and this always helps.They may also agree to not make any comments about your boobs when you wear the bigger bra around your friends when they visit you at home.Also, its possible your friends already have questioned why you wore a bigger bra than your boobs. \'a0Maybe they saw what was going on the whole time during the school year and felt too awkward to tell you.", | "Sometimes we let our insecurities get the best of us, causing us to make some interesting choices.\'a0Honesty is always the best policy, but honesty comes with risk. \'a0Perhaps you may want to start with your family first, explaining to them what you have done and why. \'a0Perhaps they can help you to practice talking about your insecurities with your friends.\'a0Another way is to start, slowly, to dress more and more like yourself and your true body shape. Some of your ""friends"" may make fun of you, true, but then you must ask yourself...why do you want to be friends with people like that?", |
How can I forgive myself?"Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me." | "Realize that you are human, not perfect and will make the wrong decisions at times.\'a0\'a0 That is OK, we all have.\'a0 However, the best way is to say OK, I did it, learned from it, will not do that again.\'a0 EVER!!!\'a0 You can get pass it; grow from it.\'a0 Unfortunately, we forgive others faster than we do ourselves because we hold ourselves to higher standards or expected better behavior from ourselves.\'a0 It can be embarrassing, hurtful, almost unforgiving at times.\'a0 But how do you forgive yourself? Take a Deep Breathe..... and then acknowledge that you did something wrong, acknowledge it, and say to self,\'a0 ""I forgive me"".\'a0 Just like you would say to someone else.\'a0\'a0 This starts the process of forgiving. Also ask yourself these questions: \'a0 What lesson did I learn?\'a0 What would I have done differently?\'a0 What will be a trigger that will make me do that again, if I happened to be weak or tempted?\'a0 Avoid or prepare for those triggers....\'a0\'a0Forgiving yourself will set you free from the prison you have put yourself in.\'a0 You would start back living.", | "A lot of times it is not about forgiveness but learning from experiences. As an example, as a child we continously fall in an effort to learn how to walk. Then when we begin walking we know we have to put one foot in front of the other in order to move forward. Experiences allow us to grow, find a balance and what to do and what not to do in order to move forward. On the positive side you now know the consequences as for your actions not to take the same course. Forgiveness comes with time as you ""learn how to walk again.""", |
How can I forgive myself?"Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me." | "A lot of times it is not about forgiveness but learning from experiences. As an example, as a child we continously fall in an effort to learn how to walk. Then when we begin walking we know we have to put one foot in front of the other in order to move forward. Experiences allow us to grow, find a balance and what to do and what not to do in order to move forward. On the positive side you now know the consequences as for your actions not to take the same course. Forgiveness comes with time as you ""learn how to walk again.""", | "What a beautiful discussion of guilt and shame Lynda offers! Those\
two demons start out as pesky and little when we are young, then grow with us to\
become quite formidable. I'd like to throw in a technique I learned from Randy\
Rausch (author of\'a0The Last Lecture)\'a0called The 3-Step Apology.\
I teach this important bit of wisdom to my clients when they need to apologize\
to someone else but more importantly when they need to forgive themselves.Yes, when we have trouble forgiving ourselves we sometimes forget\
that there is part of us that just doesn't know how to apologize effectively.\
Here goes:Step One: Say what you did and the damage it caused.Step Two: Say you're sorry and accept full\
responsibility (no excuses, no explanation, no defensiveness: \'93It was all my\
fault.\'94)Step\
Three: Ask what you can do to repair the damage.Step Three is the one many of us didn\'92t learn growing up. And when\
we add it to an apology, we are usually surprised that the penalty is as light\
as it is. Of course, sometimes the apology is not accepted and no way to atone\
is offered. So be it, we can\'92t control this. But if we are apologizing to\
ourselves, we can. There is always a way to make amends if we put our heart\
into it.\
Give this a try the next time you\'92re reluctant to let yourself off\
the hook. You might surprise yourself when how benevolent you can be when\
invited.", |
How can I forgive myself?"Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me." | "A lot of times it is not about forgiveness but learning from experiences. As an example, as a child we continously fall in an effort to learn how to walk. Then when we begin walking we know we have to put one foot in front of the other in order to move forward. Experiences allow us to grow, find a balance and what to do and what not to do in order to move forward. On the positive side you now know the consequences as for your actions not to take the same course. Forgiveness comes with time as you ""learn how to walk again.""", | "Hi Ohio, I totally get how it can be more difficult to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. My guess is that you tend to come down too hard on yourself a lot. That's a huge barrier to happiness that you can work to reduce. I'll get you started.You feel shame in a debilitating way that is probably way out of proportion to the incident. Is it triggering some old shame?\'a0Unfortunately, a lot of adults use shame as a motivator for kids. It doesn't work. When\'a0was the first time you remember feeling a lot of shame, as in ""I'm bad"", or\'a0""I'm worthless""? Is there a younger version of you who is still feeling shame over something that wasn't your fault? Sometimes shame shadows are connected to an absent or hurtful parent, sexual abuse or some family loss or trauma.\'a0If so, picture yourself at that age. Can you tell your child self that whatever horrible thing happened to them isn't their fault? Can you have compassion for that child who first felt shame or had shame heaped on them?\'a0That's your first goal...to go to the source of the shame and heal that child's wound with compassion. What happens to children is never their fault (and fault is a pretty useless concept anyway).Once you take the layers of old ""I'm bad"" shame off, the load is lighter and you can use self talk to further reduce the shame. Here are some things you can say to yourself...every day...I'm human and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect.I can have compassion for my mistakes.I can feel proud that I'm facing my mistake and making things right.I deserve forgiveness and compassion, and I have that for other people too.There's no purpose to holding on to shame.I can learn from my mistakes and move forward.Everyone makes mistakes.Other people don't want me to carry this shame around.I don't need shame to remind me not to do it again. I've figured that out.Shame tries to convince you that you need to carry ""it"" around in order to prevent further mistakes. Poppycock. \'a0You've learned your lesson, now you can move forward to other mistakes. Sorry...but you're human and you'll keeping making... hopefully different, glorious mistakes. Embrace the learning. Lean into the experiences of life. It's all juicy stuff, and you're in good company; we're all in the same position of being mortal.", |
How can I forgive myself?"Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me." | "Realize that you are human, not perfect and will make the wrong decisions at times.\'a0\'a0 That is OK, we all have.\'a0 However, the best way is to say OK, I did it, learned from it, will not do that again.\'a0 EVER!!!\'a0 You can get pass it; grow from it.\'a0 Unfortunately, we forgive others faster than we do ourselves because we hold ourselves to higher standards or expected better behavior from ourselves.\'a0 It can be embarrassing, hurtful, almost unforgiving at times.\'a0 But how do you forgive yourself? Take a Deep Breathe..... and then acknowledge that you did something wrong, acknowledge it, and say to self,\'a0 ""I forgive me"".\'a0 Just like you would say to someone else.\'a0\'a0 This starts the process of forgiving. Also ask yourself these questions: \'a0 What lesson did I learn?\'a0 What would I have done differently?\'a0 What will be a trigger that will make me do that again, if I happened to be weak or tempted?\'a0 Avoid or prepare for those triggers....\'a0\'a0Forgiving yourself will set you free from the prison you have put yourself in.\'a0 You would start back living.", | "What a beautiful discussion of guilt and shame Lynda offers! Those\
two demons start out as pesky and little when we are young, then grow with us to\
become quite formidable. I'd like to throw in a technique I learned from Randy\
Rausch (author of\'a0The Last Lecture)\'a0called The 3-Step Apology.\
I teach this important bit of wisdom to my clients when they need to apologize\
to someone else but more importantly when they need to forgive themselves.Yes, when we have trouble forgiving ourselves we sometimes forget\
that there is part of us that just doesn't know how to apologize effectively.\
Here goes:Step One: Say what you did and the damage it caused.Step Two: Say you're sorry and accept full\
responsibility (no excuses, no explanation, no defensiveness: \'93It was all my\
fault.\'94)Step\
Three: Ask what you can do to repair the damage.Step Three is the one many of us didn\'92t learn growing up. And when\
we add it to an apology, we are usually surprised that the penalty is as light\
as it is. Of course, sometimes the apology is not accepted and no way to atone\
is offered. So be it, we can\'92t control this. But if we are apologizing to\
ourselves, we can. There is always a way to make amends if we put our heart\
into it.\
Give this a try the next time you\'92re reluctant to let yourself off\
the hook. You might surprise yourself when how benevolent you can be when\
invited.", |
How can I forgive myself?"Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me." | "Realize that you are human, not perfect and will make the wrong decisions at times.\'a0\'a0 That is OK, we all have.\'a0 However, the best way is to say OK, I did it, learned from it, will not do that again.\'a0 EVER!!!\'a0 You can get pass it; grow from it.\'a0 Unfortunately, we forgive others faster than we do ourselves because we hold ourselves to higher standards or expected better behavior from ourselves.\'a0 It can be embarrassing, hurtful, almost unforgiving at times.\'a0 But how do you forgive yourself? Take a Deep Breathe..... and then acknowledge that you did something wrong, acknowledge it, and say to self,\'a0 ""I forgive me"".\'a0 Just like you would say to someone else.\'a0\'a0 This starts the process of forgiving. Also ask yourself these questions: \'a0 What lesson did I learn?\'a0 What would I have done differently?\'a0 What will be a trigger that will make me do that again, if I happened to be weak or tempted?\'a0 Avoid or prepare for those triggers....\'a0\'a0Forgiving yourself will set you free from the prison you have put yourself in.\'a0 You would start back living.", | "Hi Ohio, I totally get how it can be more difficult to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. My guess is that you tend to come down too hard on yourself a lot. That's a huge barrier to happiness that you can work to reduce. I'll get you started.You feel shame in a debilitating way that is probably way out of proportion to the incident. Is it triggering some old shame?\'a0Unfortunately, a lot of adults use shame as a motivator for kids. It doesn't work. When\'a0was the first time you remember feeling a lot of shame, as in ""I'm bad"", or\'a0""I'm worthless""? Is there a younger version of you who is still feeling shame over something that wasn't your fault? Sometimes shame shadows are connected to an absent or hurtful parent, sexual abuse or some family loss or trauma.\'a0If so, picture yourself at that age. Can you tell your child self that whatever horrible thing happened to them isn't their fault? Can you have compassion for that child who first felt shame or had shame heaped on them?\'a0That's your first goal...to go to the source of the shame and heal that child's wound with compassion. What happens to children is never their fault (and fault is a pretty useless concept anyway).Once you take the layers of old ""I'm bad"" shame off, the load is lighter and you can use self talk to further reduce the shame. Here are some things you can say to yourself...every day...I'm human and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect.I can have compassion for my mistakes.I can feel proud that I'm facing my mistake and making things right.I deserve forgiveness and compassion, and I have that for other people too.There's no purpose to holding on to shame.I can learn from my mistakes and move forward.Everyone makes mistakes.Other people don't want me to carry this shame around.I don't need shame to remind me not to do it again. I've figured that out.Shame tries to convince you that you need to carry ""it"" around in order to prevent further mistakes. Poppycock. \'a0You've learned your lesson, now you can move forward to other mistakes. Sorry...but you're human and you'll keeping making... hopefully different, glorious mistakes. Embrace the learning. Lean into the experiences of life. It's all juicy stuff, and you're in good company; we're all in the same position of being mortal.", |
How can I forgive myself?"Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me." | "What a beautiful discussion of guilt and shame Lynda offers! Those\
two demons start out as pesky and little when we are young, then grow with us to\
become quite formidable. I'd like to throw in a technique I learned from Randy\
Rausch (author of\'a0The Last Lecture)\'a0called The 3-Step Apology.\
I teach this important bit of wisdom to my clients when they need to apologize\
to someone else but more importantly when they need to forgive themselves.Yes, when we have trouble forgiving ourselves we sometimes forget\
that there is part of us that just doesn't know how to apologize effectively.\
Here goes:Step One: Say what you did and the damage it caused.Step Two: Say you're sorry and accept full\
responsibility (no excuses, no explanation, no defensiveness: \'93It was all my\
fault.\'94)Step\
Three: Ask what you can do to repair the damage.Step Three is the one many of us didn\'92t learn growing up. And when\
we add it to an apology, we are usually surprised that the penalty is as light\
as it is. Of course, sometimes the apology is not accepted and no way to atone\
is offered. So be it, we can\'92t control this. But if we are apologizing to\
ourselves, we can. There is always a way to make amends if we put our heart\
into it.\
Give this a try the next time you\'92re reluctant to let yourself off\
the hook. You might surprise yourself when how benevolent you can be when\
invited.", | "Hi Ohio, I totally get how it can be more difficult to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. My guess is that you tend to come down too hard on yourself a lot. That's a huge barrier to happiness that you can work to reduce. I'll get you started.You feel shame in a debilitating way that is probably way out of proportion to the incident. Is it triggering some old shame?\'a0Unfortunately, a lot of adults use shame as a motivator for kids. It doesn't work. When\'a0was the first time you remember feeling a lot of shame, as in ""I'm bad"", or\'a0""I'm worthless""? Is there a younger version of you who is still feeling shame over something that wasn't your fault? Sometimes shame shadows are connected to an absent or hurtful parent, sexual abuse or some family loss or trauma.\'a0If so, picture yourself at that age. Can you tell your child self that whatever horrible thing happened to them isn't their fault? Can you have compassion for that child who first felt shame or had shame heaped on them?\'a0That's your first goal...to go to the source of the shame and heal that child's wound with compassion. What happens to children is never their fault (and fault is a pretty useless concept anyway).Once you take the layers of old ""I'm bad"" shame off, the load is lighter and you can use self talk to further reduce the shame. Here are some things you can say to yourself...every day...I'm human and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect.I can have compassion for my mistakes.I can feel proud that I'm facing my mistake and making things right.I deserve forgiveness and compassion, and I have that for other people too.There's no purpose to holding on to shame.I can learn from my mistakes and move forward.Everyone makes mistakes.Other people don't want me to carry this shame around.I don't need shame to remind me not to do it again. I've figured that out.Shame tries to convince you that you need to carry ""it"" around in order to prevent further mistakes. Poppycock. \'a0You've learned your lesson, now you can move forward to other mistakes. Sorry...but you're human and you'll keeping making... hopefully different, glorious mistakes. Embrace the learning. Lean into the experiences of life. It's all juicy stuff, and you're in good company; we're all in the same position of being mortal.", |
Am I going to be alone forever?I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone. | "I'm glad you're aware of how you honestly feel. \'a0Knowing one's personal truth is always the first step in finding what is necessary to be and develop.Reflect a little more on the type of care you'd like in your life.""Care"" means anything from checking in on someone to deep, intimate connection between two people.Knowing your own definition of ""care"" is the first step to know what is necessary for you to recognize what you'd like attracting.It is much easier to attract what we'd like if we are clear on what this is.", | "As social creatures, we humans all long for deep human connection. To know that we belong and are part of something larger. It is so important to us that when we feel alone - it can feel almost unbearable. You are not alone in feeling alone. While it can take time to build deep relationships there are moments in each day where we have the opportunity to interact with other people who may also feel lonely and scared and want to be seen and acknowledged. I wonder what it might be like for you if you took on an experiment of trying to really see the people around you and make little attempts to acknowledge and connect with them - fellow humans on this journey of life. A ""good morning"" at the bus stop or really looking at the person who you buy your groceries from or thanking or complimenting someone for something that you notice and appreciate. While this is not a substitute for close relationships these moments of real connection with the people who we share our communities with can go a long way to realizing that we are not as alone as we may have thought.", |
How do I get my sex drive back after my rape?"I was raped by multiple men and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have sex with my wife." | "I am very sorry to hear about your rapes. \'a0Traumatic events, such as rape, can have some lasting effects. \'a0Issues with sex drive are one of these effects. \'a0Therapy can help to decrease the impact that traumatic events have upon our lives as we process through some of our experiences. \'a0 EMDR can be a particularly effective modality of treatment to address this issues. \'a0I would also encourage you to have an honest conversation with your wife about this concern. \'a0Sometimes it is helpful to have that conversation with a therapist so that the therapist can help educate \'a0your wife in regards to effects of trauma. \'a0This may help her understand that your feelings are more about the trauma and less about her as a person. \'a0Best of luck to you!", | "I'm sorry for your being taken advantage of and for all the negative feelings created by being exploited.If you have not already explained to your wife about what caused your great distress, then please consider doing this. \'a0A conversation that happens in a safe relationship, will give her a chance of being supportive to you. \'a0And, the discussion may relieve some of the bad feelings toward yourself which you currently feel.In its most positive light, you and your wife can build a new sex life based on the loving foundation you develop from talking with one another in this deeper way.It will certainly distinguish your love based sex life with your wife, from sex as a violation of your body by other people.There are also behavior therapists who would set a program of building tolerance for sex as part of your usual life.These programs usually work for a short while only, unless the person also clears out the deeper levels of fear and hurt from being victimized.Good luck in progressing to feeling that your sex drive is back!", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to.", | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "That's a loaded question.\'a0 Typically, if we are contemplating if we should or not, it is for a reason.\'a0 To really come to a place of decision, you need to know where you are right now, what is not working, what the potential resolution would be and if it is realistic.\'a0 If you can answer those questions, you may gain some insight.\'a0 \'a0If it is realistic and your boyfriend is on the same page, seek help putting a plan in motion for resolution.\'a0 And I mention him being on the same page because if he is not, then it will never come to fruiting.\'a0 Without much other information, this is this is a solid approach.", | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", | "The decision to end a relationship is difficult. There are a few questions you might want to ask yourself like, ""Why am I asking myself if i should end it?"", ""What else am I looking for in a relationship that this one doesn't give me?"", ""is my boyfriend willing to discuss my doubts and willing to work at making this relationship better?"", ""Is he abusive in any way?"" These are just a few questionsto think through in order to make this decision. Also talk to a trusted friend and see they're point of view of your relationship. Sometimes talking it over can help you think out loud and you're friend can point out details you can't thought about. Talking to a therapist is also a good option as a therapist can hello you figure out what you are looking for and address any issues that need to be addressed.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", | "The decision to end a relationship is often very difficult. It is important that you are aware of your personal ""deal breakers"". Some common deal breakers are abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional) or substance abuse; however, anything that is detrimental to your well being can be considered a deal breaker. I know of a young woman who broke up with her boyfriend because he decided to adopt a pet cat and she is highly allergic. For her, having a cat was a deal breaker !Healthy relationships enhance personal growth, and\'a0 we enhance our spiritual and emotional wellbeing by collaborating with our partner to work through problems and overcome challenges. My guess is that you would not be questioning whether or not to end your relationship if things were going smoothly. Are you both equally invested in finding a resolution to whatever is troubling you?An excellent book on relationship ambivalence is ""Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay"" by Mira Kirshenbaum. By the last chapter you will have the answers that you seek.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", | "Previous counselors have discussed very good points about your situation so I would like just to confirm what seems essential to me on this topic.\'a0When you ask yourself this question, it shows you are not happy or have doubts about the way things have evolved so far. Relationships require time and work for them to develop, grow and flourish as healthy and fulfilling ones for both partners. This is a key factor, ""reciprocity"". Without both of you sharing the same core values, beliefs, expectations and lifestyles; without you having a good level of compatibility in your personalities and feeling understood, protected, cared by, supported and loved by each other, there is no way you could truly feel and experience a mutually healthy, meaningful and fulfilling relationship for the long run.\'a0What has attracted you to each other is good and meaningful enough to empower and support you for the long run? Many people focus too much on looks, financial benefits or other external factors, which are important but cannot build a healthy, mature and fulfilling lifelong relationship. This does not mean many couples do not willingly choose these types of relationship since truly believing those are their top priorities. What they ignore, is that with time, life challenges, issues and pain, temptations and appealing alternatives around those external factors, their relationships would not cope very well but would get gradually or suddenly undermined.\'a0Be honest with yourself, reflect on what you truly need, want, and expect from a boyfriend and life partner. Ask yourself if this person has what it takes to meet those expectations and satisfy those needs and if you are also a very good match for him, since there is no way the relationship works unless it does for both of you. So while one person could feel blessed by having such a wonderful partner, the other could feel frustrated, or just not truly fulfilled, passionate or happy with her/his partner.\'a0Long-term relationships require a lot, and when I talk about sharing same core factors, I mean truly feeling being a good match to each other at the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels, and around all the other roles life\'a0 involves, related to lifestyle as social life, habits, dreams, preferences, etc.Then there is a lot to reflect on by yourself, to carefully evaluate in yourself based on what you already know about you and this person. Then you would be able to tell yourself if you truly want to continue or not with this person. If you feel you do, then you have to talk to him and make sure he feels the same way. In a scenario where you doubt if you should tell him about this or that, as another counselor suggested, out of fear of any form of abuse or retaliation, those would be serious enough to show you this could never truly work. If your fears are more about being misunderstood and judged, then you still have to work on developing open and honest communication with him, as long as what you expect is something truly healthy and worthy.\'a0Many people look for and stay in relationships because they prefer that to be alone, by themselves, thus they end using relationships to feel better about themselves and their lives, to bring some feelings of happiness and company. The problem, is that if those are the initial core reasons to start or stay in a relationship, this can never truly evolve into anything healthy and mutually fulfilling, unless the person works on herself/himself to meet those personal needs and resolve those personal issues, which would enable her to work on self and with the other person in the relationship.\'a0Finally, I want to mention what I shared in a past article on this subject; namely, you need to assess if your boyfriend has been really consistent in his words and actions, otherwise, lack of honesty, accountability and/or respect, would never lead to anything worthy in any type of relationships. Also, we are all human beings, and that means we are no perfect, and we need to work on ourselves to make improvements. Relationships are a means to keep growing as individuals supporting each other to become better versions of ourselves, without manipulation, neglect or abuse. Thus while on one hand, healthy love means embracing the whole persona with strengths and weaknesses, on the other hand, it is fully incompatible with tolerating and/or enabling what is distorted or dysfunctional against that person or against ourselves. This is why both persons need to be willing and ready to work on making changes and improvements as necessary. Without this, it would be hopeless and helpless to expect things would be just fine with time, they would not, they would just get worse.\'a0So let's take one step at a time, reflect on what you feel, need and want now and for the future, assess how well this person is able and willing to work on that, and dialogue to make sure you are both fully aware, understood and clear about your relationship and how well it could make your lives better. If professional support is needed, and both are willing to take it, please do not delay it. If one refuses necessary support, then face reality and come to terms with what it is showing you. Trust more actions than words, set and keep healthy boundaries, and take into account what life experiences show you, as well as feedback and counsel from those mature and truly caring people who know you while pushing away what is superficial, biased or too rushed.Thank you for sharing.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", | "Deciding to end a relationship is a big question that deserves your full care and attention.\'a0 One of the first questions you may ask of yourself and consider for your boyfriend is whether you are both willing to work on the relationship.\'a0 A relationship, no matter how great or hard, can't work unless both people are invested in working on it.\'a0 This means that both people are willing to take responsibility and work on their on stuff when things are hard rather than blaming the other.\'a0 If one of you is not willing or able to work at this then the relationship can't really grow or get better.\'a0 Perhaps spend some time really asking yourself if you this is the person you want to work on things with.\'a0 All relationships are hard and require care and attention and also ask us to really take responsibility for what we contribute.\'a0 This should be done in a relationship where you want to do this work for yourself and the other.\'a0 Also, if you are fully in and ready to do the work but your partner isn't.\'a0 If they say things like ""this is just how I am"" or ""we have problems because of your issues"" then you also may want to really slow down and consider if this will be workable.\'a0 You and your boyfriend need to be invested and committed to the relationship even when things are hard.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", | "Deciding to end a relationship is never easy, especially if there is not any strong reason or incident standing out to help define the unhappiness in the relationship, such as infidelity or abuse.\'a0 All relationships go through low periods where one or both people may feel unhappy in the relationship, this is normal.\'a0 What I tell my clients when they are facing this decision is to spend some time and imagine your life without the person in it.\'a0 What do you feel when you imagine your life without your boyfriend?\'a0 Do you see yourself as being happier, having more freedom?\'a0 When you think of life without him do you feel a weight lift off your shoulders?\'a0 Is it easier to breathe?\'a0 Don't rush into any decision about leaving the relationship.\'a0 Take as much time as you need to fully understand what it is you are feeling right now.\'a0 Ask yourself if some of the unhappiness in the relationship can change, if it is likely to change.\'a0 Only when you are confident in your decision to leave should you then have the discussion about leaving the relationship.\'a0 I hope this answer gives you some ways of thinking through how to make that very tough decision.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", | "Hi there, that's a big question and really something no one can answer except you. Here are some things to consider to help you make your decision.What is leading you to ask the question? Has something happened recently or repeatedly that is making you question your relationship? If so, what is it. Can you rank it on a scale from 1-10, 1 being not a big deal and 10 being a deal breaker. What are your deal breakers and has he violated any of them? What are your reasons for being with him? How would you feel without him? How does he make you feel on a daily basis? Is there any abuse in the relationship (physical, emotional, psychological)? - if the answer to this question is yes - please seek immediate help. In addition to thinking about your relationship on your own, have you talked with your boyfriend about how you're feeling? If it is safe to do so, honest, open communication might help you get some more clarity. You don't have to say ""I'm thinking about breaking up with you,"" but you can say something along the lines of, ""I'm having some doubts about our relationship. Can we talk about us?"" If you want to stay with him, maybe you can work on your relationship together? Going to couples counseling could also be an option for you.If you decide that the relationship is not working, think about how you would like to be broken up with and if possible, try to come from a place of kindness and understanding.\'a0\'a0As always, I'm happy to provide more guidance if you'd like. Good luck with you decision.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", | "That you are questioning if you should end your relationship with your boyfriend tells me that you are unhappy with him. Spend sometime by yourself exploring the reasons for that unhappiness. Are these things likely to change or not?", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", | "Without knowing the details, it would be very difficult to say! But, that's also the point of my response. Because even with the details, it's very hard to say, as no one is experiencing the relationship in your shoes, except for you. It might be helpful to process this in therapy, or with your boyfriend directly and voice your concerns about the relationship. In any successful relationship, the research has shown that openness in communication is vital.That all being said, I would also add, with a lot of curiosity...if you have to ask the question, does that say something about what you feel is the quality of the relationship?", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?", | "If you're asking the question, then probably you are pretty close to ending your relationship.Make a list of what you don't like and then decide whether you'd like to tell these topics to your boyfriend as a discussion about your relationship.He may have similar feelings and together the two of you may figure out new ways to be loving with each other.If you've presented your needs and no change results, then ask yourself if you can be happy with him, given what you now realize about him and your feelings.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "That's a loaded question.\'a0 Typically, if we are contemplating if we should or not, it is for a reason.\'a0 To really come to a place of decision, you need to know where you are right now, what is not working, what the potential resolution would be and if it is realistic.\'a0 If you can answer those questions, you may gain some insight.\'a0 \'a0If it is realistic and your boyfriend is on the same page, seek help putting a plan in motion for resolution.\'a0 And I mention him being on the same page because if he is not, then it will never come to fruiting.\'a0 Without much other information, this is this is a solid approach.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "The decision to end a relationship is difficult. There are a few questions you might want to ask yourself like, ""Why am I asking myself if i should end it?"", ""What else am I looking for in a relationship that this one doesn't give me?"", ""is my boyfriend willing to discuss my doubts and willing to work at making this relationship better?"", ""Is he abusive in any way?"" These are just a few questionsto think through in order to make this decision. Also talk to a trusted friend and see they're point of view of your relationship. Sometimes talking it over can help you think out loud and you're friend can point out details you can't thought about. Talking to a therapist is also a good option as a therapist can hello you figure out what you are looking for and address any issues that need to be addressed.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "The decision to end a relationship is often very difficult. It is important that you are aware of your personal ""deal breakers"". Some common deal breakers are abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional) or substance abuse; however, anything that is detrimental to your well being can be considered a deal breaker. I know of a young woman who broke up with her boyfriend because he decided to adopt a pet cat and she is highly allergic. For her, having a cat was a deal breaker !Healthy relationships enhance personal growth, and\'a0 we enhance our spiritual and emotional wellbeing by collaborating with our partner to work through problems and overcome challenges. My guess is that you would not be questioning whether or not to end your relationship if things were going smoothly. Are you both equally invested in finding a resolution to whatever is troubling you?An excellent book on relationship ambivalence is ""Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay"" by Mira Kirshenbaum. By the last chapter you will have the answers that you seek.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "Previous counselors have discussed very good points about your situation so I would like just to confirm what seems essential to me on this topic.\'a0When you ask yourself this question, it shows you are not happy or have doubts about the way things have evolved so far. Relationships require time and work for them to develop, grow and flourish as healthy and fulfilling ones for both partners. This is a key factor, ""reciprocity"". Without both of you sharing the same core values, beliefs, expectations and lifestyles; without you having a good level of compatibility in your personalities and feeling understood, protected, cared by, supported and loved by each other, there is no way you could truly feel and experience a mutually healthy, meaningful and fulfilling relationship for the long run.\'a0What has attracted you to each other is good and meaningful enough to empower and support you for the long run? Many people focus too much on looks, financial benefits or other external factors, which are important but cannot build a healthy, mature and fulfilling lifelong relationship. This does not mean many couples do not willingly choose these types of relationship since truly believing those are their top priorities. What they ignore, is that with time, life challenges, issues and pain, temptations and appealing alternatives around those external factors, their relationships would not cope very well but would get gradually or suddenly undermined.\'a0Be honest with yourself, reflect on what you truly need, want, and expect from a boyfriend and life partner. Ask yourself if this person has what it takes to meet those expectations and satisfy those needs and if you are also a very good match for him, since there is no way the relationship works unless it does for both of you. So while one person could feel blessed by having such a wonderful partner, the other could feel frustrated, or just not truly fulfilled, passionate or happy with her/his partner.\'a0Long-term relationships require a lot, and when I talk about sharing same core factors, I mean truly feeling being a good match to each other at the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels, and around all the other roles life\'a0 involves, related to lifestyle as social life, habits, dreams, preferences, etc.Then there is a lot to reflect on by yourself, to carefully evaluate in yourself based on what you already know about you and this person. Then you would be able to tell yourself if you truly want to continue or not with this person. If you feel you do, then you have to talk to him and make sure he feels the same way. In a scenario where you doubt if you should tell him about this or that, as another counselor suggested, out of fear of any form of abuse or retaliation, those would be serious enough to show you this could never truly work. If your fears are more about being misunderstood and judged, then you still have to work on developing open and honest communication with him, as long as what you expect is something truly healthy and worthy.\'a0Many people look for and stay in relationships because they prefer that to be alone, by themselves, thus they end using relationships to feel better about themselves and their lives, to bring some feelings of happiness and company. The problem, is that if those are the initial core reasons to start or stay in a relationship, this can never truly evolve into anything healthy and mutually fulfilling, unless the person works on herself/himself to meet those personal needs and resolve those personal issues, which would enable her to work on self and with the other person in the relationship.\'a0Finally, I want to mention what I shared in a past article on this subject; namely, you need to assess if your boyfriend has been really consistent in his words and actions, otherwise, lack of honesty, accountability and/or respect, would never lead to anything worthy in any type of relationships. Also, we are all human beings, and that means we are no perfect, and we need to work on ourselves to make improvements. Relationships are a means to keep growing as individuals supporting each other to become better versions of ourselves, without manipulation, neglect or abuse. Thus while on one hand, healthy love means embracing the whole persona with strengths and weaknesses, on the other hand, it is fully incompatible with tolerating and/or enabling what is distorted or dysfunctional against that person or against ourselves. This is why both persons need to be willing and ready to work on making changes and improvements as necessary. Without this, it would be hopeless and helpless to expect things would be just fine with time, they would not, they would just get worse.\'a0So let's take one step at a time, reflect on what you feel, need and want now and for the future, assess how well this person is able and willing to work on that, and dialogue to make sure you are both fully aware, understood and clear about your relationship and how well it could make your lives better. If professional support is needed, and both are willing to take it, please do not delay it. If one refuses necessary support, then face reality and come to terms with what it is showing you. Trust more actions than words, set and keep healthy boundaries, and take into account what life experiences show you, as well as feedback and counsel from those mature and truly caring people who know you while pushing away what is superficial, biased or too rushed.Thank you for sharing.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "Deciding to end a relationship is a big question that deserves your full care and attention.\'a0 One of the first questions you may ask of yourself and consider for your boyfriend is whether you are both willing to work on the relationship.\'a0 A relationship, no matter how great or hard, can't work unless both people are invested in working on it.\'a0 This means that both people are willing to take responsibility and work on their on stuff when things are hard rather than blaming the other.\'a0 If one of you is not willing or able to work at this then the relationship can't really grow or get better.\'a0 Perhaps spend some time really asking yourself if you this is the person you want to work on things with.\'a0 All relationships are hard and require care and attention and also ask us to really take responsibility for what we contribute.\'a0 This should be done in a relationship where you want to do this work for yourself and the other.\'a0 Also, if you are fully in and ready to do the work but your partner isn't.\'a0 If they say things like ""this is just how I am"" or ""we have problems because of your issues"" then you also may want to really slow down and consider if this will be workable.\'a0 You and your boyfriend need to be invested and committed to the relationship even when things are hard.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "Deciding to end a relationship is never easy, especially if there is not any strong reason or incident standing out to help define the unhappiness in the relationship, such as infidelity or abuse.\'a0 All relationships go through low periods where one or both people may feel unhappy in the relationship, this is normal.\'a0 What I tell my clients when they are facing this decision is to spend some time and imagine your life without the person in it.\'a0 What do you feel when you imagine your life without your boyfriend?\'a0 Do you see yourself as being happier, having more freedom?\'a0 When you think of life without him do you feel a weight lift off your shoulders?\'a0 Is it easier to breathe?\'a0 Don't rush into any decision about leaving the relationship.\'a0 Take as much time as you need to fully understand what it is you are feeling right now.\'a0 Ask yourself if some of the unhappiness in the relationship can change, if it is likely to change.\'a0 Only when you are confident in your decision to leave should you then have the discussion about leaving the relationship.\'a0 I hope this answer gives you some ways of thinking through how to make that very tough decision.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "Hi there, that's a big question and really something no one can answer except you. Here are some things to consider to help you make your decision.What is leading you to ask the question? Has something happened recently or repeatedly that is making you question your relationship? If so, what is it. Can you rank it on a scale from 1-10, 1 being not a big deal and 10 being a deal breaker. What are your deal breakers and has he violated any of them? What are your reasons for being with him? How would you feel without him? How does he make you feel on a daily basis? Is there any abuse in the relationship (physical, emotional, psychological)? - if the answer to this question is yes - please seek immediate help. In addition to thinking about your relationship on your own, have you talked with your boyfriend about how you're feeling? If it is safe to do so, honest, open communication might help you get some more clarity. You don't have to say ""I'm thinking about breaking up with you,"" but you can say something along the lines of, ""I'm having some doubts about our relationship. Can we talk about us?"" If you want to stay with him, maybe you can work on your relationship together? Going to couples counseling could also be an option for you.If you decide that the relationship is not working, think about how you would like to be broken up with and if possible, try to come from a place of kindness and understanding.\'a0\'a0As always, I'm happy to provide more guidance if you'd like. Good luck with you decision.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "That you are questioning if you should end your relationship with your boyfriend tells me that you are unhappy with him. Spend sometime by yourself exploring the reasons for that unhappiness. Are these things likely to change or not?", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "Without knowing the details, it would be very difficult to say! But, that's also the point of my response. Because even with the details, it's very hard to say, as no one is experiencing the relationship in your shoes, except for you. It might be helpful to process this in therapy, or with your boyfriend directly and voice your concerns about the relationship. In any successful relationship, the research has shown that openness in communication is vital.That all being said, I would also add, with a lot of curiosity...if you have to ask the question, does that say something about what you feel is the quality of the relationship?", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues\'a0 and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best., | "If you're asking the question, then probably you are pretty close to ending your relationship.Make a list of what you don't like and then decide whether you'd like to tell these topics to your boyfriend as a discussion about your relationship.He may have similar feelings and together the two of you may figure out new ways to be loving with each other.If you've presented your needs and no change results, then ask yourself if you can be happy with him, given what you now realize about him and your feelings.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to.", | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "That's a loaded question.\'a0 Typically, if we are contemplating if we should or not, it is for a reason.\'a0 To really come to a place of decision, you need to know where you are right now, what is not working, what the potential resolution would be and if it is realistic.\'a0 If you can answer those questions, you may gain some insight.\'a0 \'a0If it is realistic and your boyfriend is on the same page, seek help putting a plan in motion for resolution.\'a0 And I mention him being on the same page because if he is not, then it will never come to fruiting.\'a0 Without much other information, this is this is a solid approach.", | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", | "The decision to end a relationship is difficult. There are a few questions you might want to ask yourself like, ""Why am I asking myself if i should end it?"", ""What else am I looking for in a relationship that this one doesn't give me?"", ""is my boyfriend willing to discuss my doubts and willing to work at making this relationship better?"", ""Is he abusive in any way?"" These are just a few questionsto think through in order to make this decision. Also talk to a trusted friend and see they're point of view of your relationship. Sometimes talking it over can help you think out loud and you're friend can point out details you can't thought about. Talking to a therapist is also a good option as a therapist can hello you figure out what you are looking for and address any issues that need to be addressed.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", | "The decision to end a relationship is often very difficult. It is important that you are aware of your personal ""deal breakers"". Some common deal breakers are abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional) or substance abuse; however, anything that is detrimental to your well being can be considered a deal breaker. I know of a young woman who broke up with her boyfriend because he decided to adopt a pet cat and she is highly allergic. For her, having a cat was a deal breaker !Healthy relationships enhance personal growth, and\'a0 we enhance our spiritual and emotional wellbeing by collaborating with our partner to work through problems and overcome challenges. My guess is that you would not be questioning whether or not to end your relationship if things were going smoothly. Are you both equally invested in finding a resolution to whatever is troubling you?An excellent book on relationship ambivalence is ""Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay"" by Mira Kirshenbaum. By the last chapter you will have the answers that you seek.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", | "Previous counselors have discussed very good points about your situation so I would like just to confirm what seems essential to me on this topic.\'a0When you ask yourself this question, it shows you are not happy or have doubts about the way things have evolved so far. Relationships require time and work for them to develop, grow and flourish as healthy and fulfilling ones for both partners. This is a key factor, ""reciprocity"". Without both of you sharing the same core values, beliefs, expectations and lifestyles; without you having a good level of compatibility in your personalities and feeling understood, protected, cared by, supported and loved by each other, there is no way you could truly feel and experience a mutually healthy, meaningful and fulfilling relationship for the long run.\'a0What has attracted you to each other is good and meaningful enough to empower and support you for the long run? Many people focus too much on looks, financial benefits or other external factors, which are important but cannot build a healthy, mature and fulfilling lifelong relationship. This does not mean many couples do not willingly choose these types of relationship since truly believing those are their top priorities. What they ignore, is that with time, life challenges, issues and pain, temptations and appealing alternatives around those external factors, their relationships would not cope very well but would get gradually or suddenly undermined.\'a0Be honest with yourself, reflect on what you truly need, want, and expect from a boyfriend and life partner. Ask yourself if this person has what it takes to meet those expectations and satisfy those needs and if you are also a very good match for him, since there is no way the relationship works unless it does for both of you. So while one person could feel blessed by having such a wonderful partner, the other could feel frustrated, or just not truly fulfilled, passionate or happy with her/his partner.\'a0Long-term relationships require a lot, and when I talk about sharing same core factors, I mean truly feeling being a good match to each other at the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels, and around all the other roles life\'a0 involves, related to lifestyle as social life, habits, dreams, preferences, etc.Then there is a lot to reflect on by yourself, to carefully evaluate in yourself based on what you already know about you and this person. Then you would be able to tell yourself if you truly want to continue or not with this person. If you feel you do, then you have to talk to him and make sure he feels the same way. In a scenario where you doubt if you should tell him about this or that, as another counselor suggested, out of fear of any form of abuse or retaliation, those would be serious enough to show you this could never truly work. If your fears are more about being misunderstood and judged, then you still have to work on developing open and honest communication with him, as long as what you expect is something truly healthy and worthy.\'a0Many people look for and stay in relationships because they prefer that to be alone, by themselves, thus they end using relationships to feel better about themselves and their lives, to bring some feelings of happiness and company. The problem, is that if those are the initial core reasons to start or stay in a relationship, this can never truly evolve into anything healthy and mutually fulfilling, unless the person works on herself/himself to meet those personal needs and resolve those personal issues, which would enable her to work on self and with the other person in the relationship.\'a0Finally, I want to mention what I shared in a past article on this subject; namely, you need to assess if your boyfriend has been really consistent in his words and actions, otherwise, lack of honesty, accountability and/or respect, would never lead to anything worthy in any type of relationships. Also, we are all human beings, and that means we are no perfect, and we need to work on ourselves to make improvements. Relationships are a means to keep growing as individuals supporting each other to become better versions of ourselves, without manipulation, neglect or abuse. Thus while on one hand, healthy love means embracing the whole persona with strengths and weaknesses, on the other hand, it is fully incompatible with tolerating and/or enabling what is distorted or dysfunctional against that person or against ourselves. This is why both persons need to be willing and ready to work on making changes and improvements as necessary. Without this, it would be hopeless and helpless to expect things would be just fine with time, they would not, they would just get worse.\'a0So let's take one step at a time, reflect on what you feel, need and want now and for the future, assess how well this person is able and willing to work on that, and dialogue to make sure you are both fully aware, understood and clear about your relationship and how well it could make your lives better. If professional support is needed, and both are willing to take it, please do not delay it. If one refuses necessary support, then face reality and come to terms with what it is showing you. Trust more actions than words, set and keep healthy boundaries, and take into account what life experiences show you, as well as feedback and counsel from those mature and truly caring people who know you while pushing away what is superficial, biased or too rushed.Thank you for sharing.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", | "Deciding to end a relationship is a big question that deserves your full care and attention.\'a0 One of the first questions you may ask of yourself and consider for your boyfriend is whether you are both willing to work on the relationship.\'a0 A relationship, no matter how great or hard, can't work unless both people are invested in working on it.\'a0 This means that both people are willing to take responsibility and work on their on stuff when things are hard rather than blaming the other.\'a0 If one of you is not willing or able to work at this then the relationship can't really grow or get better.\'a0 Perhaps spend some time really asking yourself if you this is the person you want to work on things with.\'a0 All relationships are hard and require care and attention and also ask us to really take responsibility for what we contribute.\'a0 This should be done in a relationship where you want to do this work for yourself and the other.\'a0 Also, if you are fully in and ready to do the work but your partner isn't.\'a0 If they say things like ""this is just how I am"" or ""we have problems because of your issues"" then you also may want to really slow down and consider if this will be workable.\'a0 You and your boyfriend need to be invested and committed to the relationship even when things are hard.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", | "Deciding to end a relationship is never easy, especially if there is not any strong reason or incident standing out to help define the unhappiness in the relationship, such as infidelity or abuse.\'a0 All relationships go through low periods where one or both people may feel unhappy in the relationship, this is normal.\'a0 What I tell my clients when they are facing this decision is to spend some time and imagine your life without the person in it.\'a0 What do you feel when you imagine your life without your boyfriend?\'a0 Do you see yourself as being happier, having more freedom?\'a0 When you think of life without him do you feel a weight lift off your shoulders?\'a0 Is it easier to breathe?\'a0 Don't rush into any decision about leaving the relationship.\'a0 Take as much time as you need to fully understand what it is you are feeling right now.\'a0 Ask yourself if some of the unhappiness in the relationship can change, if it is likely to change.\'a0 Only when you are confident in your decision to leave should you then have the discussion about leaving the relationship.\'a0 I hope this answer gives you some ways of thinking through how to make that very tough decision.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", | "Hi there, that's a big question and really something no one can answer except you. Here are some things to consider to help you make your decision.What is leading you to ask the question? Has something happened recently or repeatedly that is making you question your relationship? If so, what is it. Can you rank it on a scale from 1-10, 1 being not a big deal and 10 being a deal breaker. What are your deal breakers and has he violated any of them? What are your reasons for being with him? How would you feel without him? How does he make you feel on a daily basis? Is there any abuse in the relationship (physical, emotional, psychological)? - if the answer to this question is yes - please seek immediate help. In addition to thinking about your relationship on your own, have you talked with your boyfriend about how you're feeling? If it is safe to do so, honest, open communication might help you get some more clarity. You don't have to say ""I'm thinking about breaking up with you,"" but you can say something along the lines of, ""I'm having some doubts about our relationship. Can we talk about us?"" If you want to stay with him, maybe you can work on your relationship together? Going to couples counseling could also be an option for you.If you decide that the relationship is not working, think about how you would like to be broken up with and if possible, try to come from a place of kindness and understanding.\'a0\'a0As always, I'm happy to provide more guidance if you'd like. Good luck with you decision.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", | "That you are questioning if you should end your relationship with your boyfriend tells me that you are unhappy with him. Spend sometime by yourself exploring the reasons for that unhappiness. Are these things likely to change or not?", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", | "Without knowing the details, it would be very difficult to say! But, that's also the point of my response. Because even with the details, it's very hard to say, as no one is experiencing the relationship in your shoes, except for you. It might be helpful to process this in therapy, or with your boyfriend directly and voice your concerns about the relationship. In any successful relationship, the research has shown that openness in communication is vital.That all being said, I would also add, with a lot of curiosity...if you have to ask the question, does that say something about what you feel is the quality of the relationship?", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.\'a0 My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.\'a0 Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.\'a0 The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.\'a0 Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.\'a0 This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.\'a0Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling", | "If you're asking the question, then probably you are pretty close to ending your relationship.Make a list of what you don't like and then decide whether you'd like to tell these topics to your boyfriend as a discussion about your relationship.He may have similar feelings and together the two of you may figure out new ways to be loving with each other.If you've presented your needs and no change results, then ask yourself if you can be happy with him, given what you now realize about him and your feelings.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to.", | "That's a loaded question.\'a0 Typically, if we are contemplating if we should or not, it is for a reason.\'a0 To really come to a place of decision, you need to know where you are right now, what is not working, what the potential resolution would be and if it is realistic.\'a0 If you can answer those questions, you may gain some insight.\'a0 \'a0If it is realistic and your boyfriend is on the same page, seek help putting a plan in motion for resolution.\'a0 And I mention him being on the same page because if he is not, then it will never come to fruiting.\'a0 Without much other information, this is this is a solid approach.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to.", | "The decision to end a relationship is difficult. There are a few questions you might want to ask yourself like, ""Why am I asking myself if i should end it?"", ""What else am I looking for in a relationship that this one doesn't give me?"", ""is my boyfriend willing to discuss my doubts and willing to work at making this relationship better?"", ""Is he abusive in any way?"" These are just a few questionsto think through in order to make this decision. Also talk to a trusted friend and see they're point of view of your relationship. Sometimes talking it over can help you think out loud and you're friend can point out details you can't thought about. Talking to a therapist is also a good option as a therapist can hello you figure out what you are looking for and address any issues that need to be addressed.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to.", | "The decision to end a relationship is often very difficult. It is important that you are aware of your personal ""deal breakers"". Some common deal breakers are abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional) or substance abuse; however, anything that is detrimental to your well being can be considered a deal breaker. I know of a young woman who broke up with her boyfriend because he decided to adopt a pet cat and she is highly allergic. For her, having a cat was a deal breaker !Healthy relationships enhance personal growth, and\'a0 we enhance our spiritual and emotional wellbeing by collaborating with our partner to work through problems and overcome challenges. My guess is that you would not be questioning whether or not to end your relationship if things were going smoothly. Are you both equally invested in finding a resolution to whatever is troubling you?An excellent book on relationship ambivalence is ""Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay"" by Mira Kirshenbaum. By the last chapter you will have the answers that you seek.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to.", | "Previous counselors have discussed very good points about your situation so I would like just to confirm what seems essential to me on this topic.\'a0When you ask yourself this question, it shows you are not happy or have doubts about the way things have evolved so far. Relationships require time and work for them to develop, grow and flourish as healthy and fulfilling ones for both partners. This is a key factor, ""reciprocity"". Without both of you sharing the same core values, beliefs, expectations and lifestyles; without you having a good level of compatibility in your personalities and feeling understood, protected, cared by, supported and loved by each other, there is no way you could truly feel and experience a mutually healthy, meaningful and fulfilling relationship for the long run.\'a0What has attracted you to each other is good and meaningful enough to empower and support you for the long run? Many people focus too much on looks, financial benefits or other external factors, which are important but cannot build a healthy, mature and fulfilling lifelong relationship. This does not mean many couples do not willingly choose these types of relationship since truly believing those are their top priorities. What they ignore, is that with time, life challenges, issues and pain, temptations and appealing alternatives around those external factors, their relationships would not cope very well but would get gradually or suddenly undermined.\'a0Be honest with yourself, reflect on what you truly need, want, and expect from a boyfriend and life partner. Ask yourself if this person has what it takes to meet those expectations and satisfy those needs and if you are also a very good match for him, since there is no way the relationship works unless it does for both of you. So while one person could feel blessed by having such a wonderful partner, the other could feel frustrated, or just not truly fulfilled, passionate or happy with her/his partner.\'a0Long-term relationships require a lot, and when I talk about sharing same core factors, I mean truly feeling being a good match to each other at the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels, and around all the other roles life\'a0 involves, related to lifestyle as social life, habits, dreams, preferences, etc.Then there is a lot to reflect on by yourself, to carefully evaluate in yourself based on what you already know about you and this person. Then you would be able to tell yourself if you truly want to continue or not with this person. If you feel you do, then you have to talk to him and make sure he feels the same way. In a scenario where you doubt if you should tell him about this or that, as another counselor suggested, out of fear of any form of abuse or retaliation, those would be serious enough to show you this could never truly work. If your fears are more about being misunderstood and judged, then you still have to work on developing open and honest communication with him, as long as what you expect is something truly healthy and worthy.\'a0Many people look for and stay in relationships because they prefer that to be alone, by themselves, thus they end using relationships to feel better about themselves and their lives, to bring some feelings of happiness and company. The problem, is that if those are the initial core reasons to start or stay in a relationship, this can never truly evolve into anything healthy and mutually fulfilling, unless the person works on herself/himself to meet those personal needs and resolve those personal issues, which would enable her to work on self and with the other person in the relationship.\'a0Finally, I want to mention what I shared in a past article on this subject; namely, you need to assess if your boyfriend has been really consistent in his words and actions, otherwise, lack of honesty, accountability and/or respect, would never lead to anything worthy in any type of relationships. Also, we are all human beings, and that means we are no perfect, and we need to work on ourselves to make improvements. Relationships are a means to keep growing as individuals supporting each other to become better versions of ourselves, without manipulation, neglect or abuse. Thus while on one hand, healthy love means embracing the whole persona with strengths and weaknesses, on the other hand, it is fully incompatible with tolerating and/or enabling what is distorted or dysfunctional against that person or against ourselves. This is why both persons need to be willing and ready to work on making changes and improvements as necessary. Without this, it would be hopeless and helpless to expect things would be just fine with time, they would not, they would just get worse.\'a0So let's take one step at a time, reflect on what you feel, need and want now and for the future, assess how well this person is able and willing to work on that, and dialogue to make sure you are both fully aware, understood and clear about your relationship and how well it could make your lives better. If professional support is needed, and both are willing to take it, please do not delay it. If one refuses necessary support, then face reality and come to terms with what it is showing you. Trust more actions than words, set and keep healthy boundaries, and take into account what life experiences show you, as well as feedback and counsel from those mature and truly caring people who know you while pushing away what is superficial, biased or too rushed.Thank you for sharing.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to.", | "Deciding to end a relationship is a big question that deserves your full care and attention.\'a0 One of the first questions you may ask of yourself and consider for your boyfriend is whether you are both willing to work on the relationship.\'a0 A relationship, no matter how great or hard, can't work unless both people are invested in working on it.\'a0 This means that both people are willing to take responsibility and work on their on stuff when things are hard rather than blaming the other.\'a0 If one of you is not willing or able to work at this then the relationship can't really grow or get better.\'a0 Perhaps spend some time really asking yourself if you this is the person you want to work on things with.\'a0 All relationships are hard and require care and attention and also ask us to really take responsibility for what we contribute.\'a0 This should be done in a relationship where you want to do this work for yourself and the other.\'a0 Also, if you are fully in and ready to do the work but your partner isn't.\'a0 If they say things like ""this is just how I am"" or ""we have problems because of your issues"" then you also may want to really slow down and consider if this will be workable.\'a0 You and your boyfriend need to be invested and committed to the relationship even when things are hard.", |
Should I end it?How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? | "This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to.", | "Deciding to end a relationship is never easy, especially if there is not any strong reason or incident standing out to help define the unhappiness in the relationship, such as infidelity or abuse.\'a0 All relationships go through low periods where one or both people may feel unhappy in the relationship, this is normal.\'a0 What I tell my clients when they are facing this decision is to spend some time and imagine your life without the person in it.\'a0 What do you feel when you imagine your life without your boyfriend?\'a0 Do you see yourself as being happier, having more freedom?\'a0 When you think of life without him do you feel a weight lift off your shoulders?\'a0 Is it easier to breathe?\'a0 Don't rush into any decision about leaving the relationship.\'a0 Take as much time as you need to fully understand what it is you are feeling right now.\'a0 Ask yourself if some of the unhappiness in the relationship can change, if it is likely to change.\'a0 Only when you are confident in your decision to leave should you then have the discussion about leaving the relationship.\'a0 I hope this answer gives you some ways of thinking through how to make that very tough decision.", |
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