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**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Oh, so you mean you use distraction to manage painful or negative emotions. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's right. I do that. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. And I'm still with you. I just don't like the prick, so I minimize my attention, and all I do is I look away while they do the initial prick. And then I'm fine. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. They usually use my left arm, and I'm looking right. And they're so quick with it too, thankfully... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** I know. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** They really are. And it's very painless these days. I mean, there's nothing painful about it, it's just I don't like it. I'd prefer not to pay attention to it... So I cue up some distractions. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. I do want to sort of clarify, when we're talking about these distractions as being good, that people have more of the concept of them. Daniel Goleman, which I'm not sure if you're familiar with him, but he wrote Emotional Intelligence... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yes. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** And he's now got the book Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence... Ironically. So he talks about sensory distractions and emotional distractions. Sensory distractions as being things happening around you, i.e. that sort of bottom-up processing, what you're taking in from the outside in...... |
So when we use distractions to help us, or very much in this case of managing more of the emotional distractions, and going "I don't want to hear the chatter that my brain is telling me around whatever situation or feeling that I have..." So now I'm going to go "Whoop!" and I'm going to pivot my attention, just like yo... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's right. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[43:45\] ...so that I am not focused on that thing that feels aversive to me. And I think this is so much at the heart of change, when people realize "Oh, you mean I don't have to just wallow in the feeling?" No. No, change it. Change the channel of what you're focusing on. So imagine the... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. Barbados. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yes, yes. So apart from the negative emotions that we all encounter, the other time that distraction is actually sometimes helpful is with falling asleep. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Oh, yes. I use very often -- and I'm actually not sure if it's a good thing, having done it for so long. I almost have to be distracted to fall asleep. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Well, tell me what you do. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** No. I don't wanna tell you. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[laughs\] |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I'm just kidding. I'll tell you. Mostly it's listening to usually a conversation or a book on a deep subject. If it's something that's stimulating, that really catches my attention, it's hard. So it's a two-way sword. Sometimes I really enjoy listening to books on physics. Different astrophysics, or... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** And this is exactly why I asked you, because you just nailed both sides of how it can be helpful and how it can be harmful in that context. You don't want the arousal to be the attention, so to speak (when I talk about arousal) that your attention gets piqued to the degree that you're like... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** This might be a deeper subject, so let's maybe pin this one for a future topic, because it is pretty deep... But I'll just say four letters: ASMR. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** ASMR. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Have you heard of this ASMR? |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** No. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[46:16\] It's Auditory Sensory... MR. I don't know what the MR stands for. But it's essentially people -- it's huge; it's huge in this distraction to fall asleep scenario. ASMR essentially is some sort of audio sensory thing that you can listen to, that's like maybe crackling of tinfoil, or differe... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** So that you can fall asleep. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. Or relax. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Oh, okay. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** It could be a sensory deprivation tank where you're doing zero sensory, or some of that sensory... Essentially, it's a relaxful state sometimes to sleep. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Well, this is why I love these conversations, because they always promote further conversations, and this sense of discovery. I know there's a lot I wanna dive into around sleep, because we've referenced it briefly in other episodes... But a lot of people struggle with it, and part of it h... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, exactly. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Or ironically, count backward in sets of threes, from 100. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Oh yeah, because you've gotta really think about that, and then your brain gets distracted, and it's like, "What was that, three or four...?" and you just fall asleep. \[laughter\] It's funny. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** It is. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I've done that before, too. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** It is. So for people to recognize -- I want people to begin to practice and to experiment how might you go about it this week, and go "What am I putting my attention on?" What does that feel like to me? Do I like it? Is it aversive and I'm like "Oh no, I need to change that channel in my m... |
So maybe consider how you might focus on something at the outset of your day, to go "This is where I'm gonna focus." You could say "I'm gonna focus on looking for tulips" or "I wanna find red cars", or "I wanna find the number three." Make it a playful exercise, so that you can begin to see the power of your own attent... |
• Conflict is a natural part of life, arising from differences in thoughts, attitudes, understanding, interests, requirements, and perceptions. |
• Misalignment of expectations and clarity can lead to conflict. |
• Conflict can be navigated by arming people with tools, focusing on connection rather than confrontation. |
• Connection and relationship are key to resolving conflict. |
• Conflict is a skill that can be learned and developed over time, rather than being hardwired into individuals. |
• Practicing communication and navigation skills can help individuals become more comfortable dealing with conflict. |
• Lack of clarity and expectation can contribute to conflict |
• Misaligned expectations lead to conflict when unclear communication is used instead of clear boundaries |
• Internal conflict often leads to external conflict in relationships |
• Perception plays a significant role in conflict, including how people perceive others and themselves |
• Awareness is key in navigating conflict and understanding the complexities of perception |
• Anonymous assessments to provide feedback on team members' attitudes and skills |
• The importance of self-awareness and feedback loops in personal growth and development |
• Group therapy and its effectiveness in providing a safe space for people to share their thoughts and feelings about others |
• Conflict phases: prelude, triggering event, initiation, differentiation, and resolution |
• Compound pain and the amplification of stress and challenges due to past experiences |
• The overlap between physical and social pain in how the brain processes it |
• Staying in the middle phase (initiation) can lead to repeated conflicts and other problems |
• Differentiation phase is necessary for conflict resolution, where people voice their differences and reasons for conflict are raised |
• Conflict multiplier: staying in the initiation phase can multiply conflict in other areas of life |
• Importance of moving on from the initiation phase to the differentiation phase for resolution |
• Mediation as a possible option for resolving conflicts when parties cannot resolve it themselves |
• Focus on finding options for resolution, not just on emotions or "winning" |
• The importance of compromise and patience in conflict resolution |
• Conflict management skills discussed include active listening, emotional intelligence, patience, impartiality, positivity, and open communication. |
• Irreparable conflict is acknowledged as a possibility when parties are unwilling to connect or resolve issues. |
• Closure or resolution can be achieved even in the absence of direct conflict resolution through personal choice and self-care. |
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