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• The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode instrument identifies five major styles of conflict management: collaborating, competing, avoiding, accommodating, and compromising. |
• Collaborating is seen as a preferred style for long-term relationships and outcomes, involving a combination of assertiveness and cooperation. |
• Styles of conflict management: compromising, collaborating, accommodating, competing, avoiding |
• Priorities in conflict management: relationship, time, assertiveness |
• Compromising style: finding a mutually acceptable solution with some assertiveness |
• Accommodating style: prioritizing the relationship and sacrificing one's own needs |
• Competing style: being assertive and uncooperative, prioritizing winning over relationships |
• Avoiding style: sidestepping or withdrawing from conflict, often due to fear of confrontation |
• Conflict escalation: ignoring issues can lead to long-term resentment and gridlock in relationships |
• The concept of "punting" conflict and its effects |
• Importance of active listening and clarifying in conflict resolution |
• Using "I" statements instead of "you" statements in communication |
• Prioritizing connection and relationship over being right |
• The role of disconnection and the importance of staying open and connected to others |
• Interpersonal neurobiology and the impact of relationships on brain development and pain regulation |
• Developing mindsight for self-awareness |
• Using openness, objectivity, and observation to understand oneself and others |
• Understanding the interconnectedness of individuals' emotional states |
• The impact of one person's emotions on others in relationships |
• Developing skills to manage one's own emotions for improved relationships |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Adam, have you ever encountered any conflict of sorts? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Well, I think if you're living, you've encountered conflict. It's part of life, conflict... But yes, definitely. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** It's a part of everyday life, to some degree or another, right? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Well, I think if you're dealing with people, when it comes down to -- I mean, we're all dealing with people, right? It's kind of weird to say that. But to me, it's a misalignment of expectation and clarity. If there's clarity and there's expectation, you're not avoiding conflict, you're sort of roun... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[laughs\] I love that. I've found this definition out of a management study guide, and it said "Conflict is defined as a clash between individuals arising out of a difference in thought process, attitudes, understanding, interests, requirements, and even sometimes perceptions." It sort of wra... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. I wrote a version of that, my own version... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** The Adam version. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, I've always been kind of good at defining things without a definition, without a dictionary nearby... And people are always complimenting me about it, but I'm not sure if this suits or not... I just said it's a misalignment. Conflict happens when there's a misalignment of expectation with anot... |
\[04:06\] The tension that sort of happens between people when that misalignment or that difference is occurring, that tension is the conflict. And then the conversations that occur after that are a result of the attempts at this resolution. It's really a tough thing, it really is. Conflict happens, and navigating it i... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. Interestingly enough, the other thing that we sort of -- the thread that gets pulled in is relationship... Because while we can have internal conflict, much of the conflict that is also problematic, be it in the workplace, at home, is in relationships... Because who's the same person? An... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Exactly, nobody. Nobody has the same of anything. We're all unique in that way, and that's the cool thing, too; we have different perspectives. And when we say dealing with conflict, it's more like arming people out there with certain tools. The first tool is "It's gonna happen." So not so much how ... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** In having this discussion I think it's really important that we note that we both come from different perspectives (ironically), and neither one of us is expert on the totality of conflict. I have more expertise, per se, or information as relative to what we call intra-personal conflict. So th... |
At the heart of the process of psychotherapy is helping people get back to a place of resonance, or sort of working with themselves, as opposed to really being stuck in two different places, two different desires or different feelings without being able to navigate that well. And Adam, you come from the school of hard ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yes. Bloody knuckles. Been there, done that. Lots of conflict... So much so that people who know me and love me say that I enjoy confrontation. And I think it's because I've dealt with a lot. I wouldn't call myself an expert by any means, but more so just a tried and true student at the school of ha... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yup. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[07:54\] And I'm not an expert at all the terms, terminology, resolution processes, names for those things... But if you ask me, I will have an opinion on how to resolve it. So that's where I say my knuckles are bloody, and man, do they hurt. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** I think that it's really interesting, especially with people who probably manage teams, that this is more at the forefront of their repertoire of skills. And what I love in having these conversations is recognizing how many things are actually more a skill, as opposed to hardwired into us when... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, I think for me - very personally - I think I'm very hardwired, but I think there's also the skill level. I can totally agree there's skill that you can acquire there. I've just never been comfortable with unresolved situations. So not even just conflicts, but situations. Maybe that is conflict... |
And if there's one thing to give the audience is that you're gonna deal with conflict. If you're breathing right now, you know; you've dealt with conflict, I'm sure you have... And just to get comfortable with finding ways to navigate it better. That's the one core takeaway this show should represent - you're gonna dea... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. And by connection, you're talking relationship, right? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right, right. We're connected, we're social species etc, we're gonna be connected... So how can we maintain that connection? |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Well, I'm glad that you highlighted that you're more prone to try to hash things out because of how it feels to leave things unsettled... Because we do all have personal proclivities as based on genetic predispositions, personality traits and whatnot, that can say "Hey, I'm more comfortable in... |
But I wanna go back to what you said about the lack of clarity and expectation is one of the key things that can be a contributing factor to starting conflict... Because if there's just ambiguity around what the relationship is -- could you imagine if I was like "Hey, Adam, do you wanna take a trip to Fiji?" And that's... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Maybe someday... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right? \[laughs\] |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Maybe someday, for what reason... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Who's going? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Exactly. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Who's paying for it? How long am I gonna go...? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, definitely who's paying for it... Yeah. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** And that's why it's so significant. When you don't have clarity, it's like, "Um, I'm not sure that I can answer that", and now I feel the pressure to respond to you, but I don't know that I can give you an answer, because you haven't given me adequate data in order to do so. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[12:09\] Right. That's actually the one conflict that I find myself -- and I learned this lesson from a good friend named Matt a while back... He's the person who taught me this lesson, and I will never forget it; it was essentially that the main conflict I have ever deal with has been somebody did... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** In some cases it was where I was over them as a manager, or in leadership of some sort, and... Or maybe even just lateral peers; I'm not sure that even really matters... But more so that I had an expectation that wasn't clear to them, and they were at fault maybe to their knowledge, not to their kno... |
The lesson there to learn is you can't be angry with somebody for doing something wrong, or incorrectly in quotes, based upon your own opinion of what's correct. Because that's what conflict is. It's like "You're wrong, I'm right etc. You're incorrect." But if you didn't make it clear, if the expectation wasn't clear, ... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** So you're right whenever the expectation is clear, not the other way around. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. You know, I love having these dialogues, because my mental framework moves the word "expectation" over into the word "boundaries". Because in my field, I'm working with people and going "Hey, how can you develop clear boundaries around what you expect, both of yourself, what you're gonn... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, exactly... And that's really, I think, where maybe I would say the most common conflict occurs, is that misalignment of that sharing, I suppose even. If the clarity is you telling them your expectation, the lack of clarity is you keeping it. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. And interestingly enough too, much of external conflict or conflict in relationships comes from internal conflict. |
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