text stringlengths 0 2.26k |
|---|
**Adam Stacoviak:** Oh, yeah. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[15:40\] Right? I find myself saying this with my family a number of times, of like "Hey, I'm not upset with you. You did not do anything wrong. Mom is stressed because of X, Y or Z", so that they can be like "Whew! Alright..." But it provides for their clarity, because in their mind, they're... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's right... Which does beg a question of perception, too. So if it begins within... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Sure. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** So what comes from within comes out, and that's people's perception of you. What do you think about the perception also being -- the perception you, essentially... Your teammate, your family. Your team members are your family, or your co-workers are your team, your family, in that regard. So how can... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Sure. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** ...in addition to also how people perceive me. Because people's opinion of me is not always known by me, right? |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Sure. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** And if I know that perception of me in a way that's respectful and loving, I might be 1) open to hear it, and 2) willing to change as a result of it... Which starts to erode that conflict back down to connection. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. It's interesting, because there's multiple facets to that question, in going "The perception, and even if I clarify it, they do 1) have to be open, but 2) there has to be some degree of understanding of the way in which their perspective is also biased by themselves..." Because it's not ... |
So perception is very much this sort of puzzle interfacing our environment with our genes, with our past experience, that is ever-changing. And this is why awareness is so helpful when it comes to navigating conflict. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. Well, on that note of awareness, the reason why I asked you this question is from a story, and it's actually somebody I have as a sales coach, and just life coach, I suppose, and business coach in general. His name is coach Michael Bert; awesome dude, but he used to be a girls basketball coach... |
That allowed everyone on the team to have sort of an awareness of what others thoughts of them, so that there was that awareness, that change, and it was very eye-opening. And they went on to win season after season after season... But it's that lesson he learned, of like "If I know and if they know how others see them... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Totally. Adam, you just identified how and why group therapy can be really effective. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Okay, great. I didn't know that. Give me my doctorate, Mireille. I want it! |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[20:05\] \[laughs\] The other people in the group get to tell you about you, or sort of provide an example for how you interface with other people, and it's like "Oh, you mean that's how I didn't see anything maladaptive or wrong with what I was doing or how I was interacting", but when you d... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Well, having been a gymnastics coach, you must also know that athletes like to video themselves doing whatever they do, so that they can scrutinize themselves. And that's essentially what that gives you; it gives you a lens from which you can be viewed in a way that's loving, respectful, and I would... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Exactly, exactly. So if I can broaden this, going "How do we get to conflict?" and it's been articulated there are sort of five phases to conflict... There's what we'd call the prelude to conflict, then there's a triggering event, an initiation phase, a differentiation phase, and then a resolu... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** So this is essentially a map to conflict. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. Like, what are the steps or stages. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. Point A, to point B, to point C. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. Just like a map, if I wanted to get from here to Boston - these are the roads I could take. So prelude to conflict involves all the factors that could possibly arise among individuals - lack of coordination, difference in interests, similarity in terms of cultural, religious, education ... |
to be \*drum roll\* the triggering event. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yes, okay... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** So no conflict arises on its own, there has to be some sort of event or interaction that transpires, which goes "Boom! That set me off." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, Boom is often the triggering event. Sometimes it's a "Bang!", sometimes it's "Zing-pow!" |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[laughs\] Right? Yes. Touché! And much of this could be, in the workplace, criticism. Like, you're giving a presentation, and somebody criticizes you, or -- I mean, it could not be a criticism, but it doesn't mean you didn't hear it as a criticism, because that's how your brain processes data... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** It's so contextual, too. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah, it is. There are all sorts of things, and much of what I talk about with patience in the process of therapy is helping them recognize what things got hit in those sort of triggering events. Sometimes I describe it like the one broken leg/two broken leg phenomenon - somebody could have a ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[24:22\] Yeah... The second event or the additional events are amplified as a result of -- it's compound pain, essentially. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Very well said, yes. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Similar to the way you compound interest, it's probably the same... "Well, because I have pain elsewhere that's similar to this - well, this pain is more, because I've got a lot of pain. I've got a pain when I go home, I've got a pain when I come to work", and it's just like "Do I have pain everywhe... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. And interestingly enough, there's been some research really around the overlap of physical pain and social pain. Part of the way that our brain processes that is similar. So legit, it hurts. So of course we're going to be reactive to pain, because it's innate in our bodies to help us na... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** A lot of this stuff happens -- at least the prelude and the triggering event can often be silent. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Sure. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** These two events could have already occurred, or point to the map if we're using it as a map analogy, and you could have already passed these waypoints, with little to no awareness of them. And what happens then is the Boom happens, and maybe the argument happens, or the slap in the face if it's phy... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Sure. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** ...you know, not so nice words are said, character assassinations are happening in front of other people... And it's even worse if others observe it, too. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right? Yes... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Conflict while in public or in front of other peers can be very bad, very bad. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. And so really at the heart of this is - you know, there's energy, so there's emotion involved, so there has to be some degree of self-regulation then in navigating the conflict. So after we've got this triggering event, then we've got the initiation phase. It's the phase when the confli... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** What this tells me though is that if you're at the initiation phase and you see this, this is the visible part of the iceberg, so to speak, understand that there's more beneath this part of the phase, and the fact that you've had some other things happening. So if this is around wisdom and awareness... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yup. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** You've already got the bread and the lettuce potentially beforehand, beneath you have some ketchup and mustard etc. and some more bread. You're in the middle. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right, which - I don't think any of us really wanna stay there. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** No. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** And this can lead to a lot of other problems, because if I can't continue on in these phases and I'm stuck in this sort of initiation, or I feel like it's on repeat... You know, it could be like "I don't wanna go back to work", or welcome anxiety, because I'm trying to not encounter that which... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[28:06\] Yeah, absolutely. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** So we've gotta move on to what you said, the differentiation phase, where people voice their differences, and the reasons for the conflict are raised in that phase. In the workplace this will look different than, say, between significant romantic partners. I'm gonna share a few more details if... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yes, yes. Can we put on repeat though what you had mentioned about staying in the middle there? Because I think one important point to drop is that if you put the initiation phase on repeat, or maybe even the differentiating -- maybe even this phase too, potentially... But if that's on repeat, other... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.