text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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what did anakin say to padme can i touch your naboobs | 1,203 |
To shave your scrotum with a straight razor... ... you really need to have balls. | 1,204 |
I would tell you what clandestine means... but I keep its definition secret. | 1,205 |
How do bees keep safe at home during a Corona lockdown? Stay in a hive!
Stay in a hive!
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Stay in a hiiiiiiiiiiiive.... | 1,206 |
What do you call a girl wearing camouflage? Heidi. | 1,207 |
My first sexual experience was scary... I was all alone! | 1,208 |
What was Morgan Freeman called before the civil war? Morgan | 1,209 |
People often ask me what happened after I contacted the coronavirus. What can I say, it works for me. | 1,210 |
Chuck Norris got in contact with the coronavirus. Now the coronavirus spreads Chuck Norris. | 1,211 |
Just saw a sheep fight a cow Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood | 1,212 |
Why did star wars 4-6 come before 1-3 Because in charge of planning, Yoda was | 1,213 |
As a bad translator once said The road is the destination. | 1,214 |
My father once told me... ..."If you don't drink, don't smoke and don't go with women, you'll live a long time. Well, it will feel like a long time". | 1,215 |
Does anyone know what this Japanese rice wine is called? I can't remember the name, for Heaven's sake. | 1,216 |
Skill testing question: How many meters does a squirrel run in a week (7 days) if he travels at 25km/h and on average spends 4.5hs a day running. Answer: Zero as he is stuck at home self isolating.
As far as I know this is OC. | 1,217 |
Three people walk into a bar... Thats it, thats the joke. Stay home, stay safe. | 1,218 |
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed ten Communists... ...and then the grenade went off. | 1,219 |
I just did something that took a lot of balls. I used them as a Newton's cradle. | 1,220 |
Am I even here? Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. | 1,221 |
Two fish were swimming together in the river. Suddenly, they swam headfirst into a concrete wall.
One fish turned to the other and said, "Damn." | 1,222 |
I walked into a pet store and asked for six bees The cashier counted out seven and handed them to me.
I asked 'why the extra bee?'
She said it was free-bee. | 1,223 |
Did you know atoms don't touch each other that means we have never touched anything in our lives So no officer i did not punch that kid | 1,224 |
If a man in his late 40s knocks on your door... saying they need to wank you off and collect your semen for a COVID-19 test, IT IS A CON.
I feel like a fucking idiot | 1,225 |
Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said: "You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo" | 1,226 |
When I looked at the state of my hair, I despaired. I just wanted to curl up and dye now. | 1,227 |
I just asked my wife to put a nurses outfit on She said why? Are you feeling horny?
I said no, we need bread and milk | 1,228 |
The European Union is like a bad boss. If everything goes well it’s thanks to it but if something goes wrong it’s your fault. | 1,229 |
Hey girl you wanna go to Ireland Cos you're Dublin the size of this cock | 1,230 |
Ever since the quarantine my kids have been banging on the door and been staring at it crying... They're begging me to let them in, but I've told them that rules are rules. | 1,231 |
Just so you all know This is very difficult for me to say | 1,232 |
What to you call the quadruple amputee on your doorstep? Matt.
What do you call him when he's in the pool?
Bob.
What do you call him when he's nailed to the wall?
Art.
What do you call him if he's in a pile of leaves?
Russell. | 1,233 |
It takes leather balls to play rugby Attention arcade game players: please don't eat the urinal cakes. | 1,234 |
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months. | 1,235 |
So, three men, Jack, Bill, and Josh, go on a trip to a jungle... They came across a tribe, and got trapped and taken in by them.
The tribesmen bring the three of them to their leader. Their leader tells them, "I want each of you to find me ten fruits-- any fruit, as long as it's the same kind. If you can do that, I will set you free. Do you accept?"
Of course, they all do. They set off.
Jack was the first to come back. He had oranges. He showed it to the leader, and the leader nodded.
"Now," the leader said, "I want you to put all of those up your ass-- and if you make a face, any face, we will behead you. If you can do so without making a face, we will let you go."
Jack did so. The first one was okay, he didn't make any face, but when he got to the second one, he winced, and the tribesmen beheaded him.
Jack watched Bill enter the room with the leader from the afterlife. Bill walked in with berries, and the leader told him the same thing. He did so, making it to nine, when suddenly, he burst out laughing. And of course, the tribesmen beheaded him.
In the afterlife, Jack shouted to Bill, who was still laughing, "what the hell, dude? You could've made it! Why'd you start laughing."
And in tears, Bill replied, "I saw Josh walk in with pineapples." | 1,236 |
Trump was right about Coronavirus When Trump said that the cases would be at zero soon, he probably meant that the number of cases would have LOTS of zeros soon. | 1,237 |
What sound does Baby Yoda make? Gaagaa-googoo | 1,238 |
Coronavirus response plan The owner of my gym just sent out a more detailed, thoughtful, and clinically valid response to the pandemic than has so far been issued by the President of the United States. | 1,239 |
Instead of the Freshman Fifteen We're all about to get the Covid-19.
Where we gain 19 pounds from staying indoors during quarantine, not exercising. | 1,240 |
Coronavirus diary: Day two without televised sports. I found a young lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she's my wife. She seems nice. | 1,241 |
Knock knock joke *Knock knock*
"Who's there?"
"......" | 1,242 |
So I started dating my high school girlfriend again. It just felt right now that I've come out as gay, and she has transitioned into a guy. | 1,243 |
It's hard to establish when this novel Coronavirus will be over. We'd have preferred a short story. | 1,244 |
Excerpts from the diary of pets **Excerpts from the diary of a dog:**
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
**Excerpts from the diary of a cat:**
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... | 1,245 |
Work from home during lock down Customer on the phone: That's unacceptable, I would like to speak to your superior.
Employee: Moooom! | 1,246 |
The Japanese invented a thief catching robot. After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.
The news Broke out.
Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.
The Americans, also impressed ordered the robot. Under 3 hours after its deployment in NYC the robot caught nearly 100 thieves.
The Indians, already facing massive complaints of thievery and muggings, decided to give it a try.
After deploying the robot in Mumbai under 30 minutes the robot got stolen. | 1,247 |
Three men arive at the gates of heaven There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story.
The first man steps forward and says: i came home early from work today and found my wife naked in bed she told me that she was waiting for me to come home but i didnt belive her i checked all the regular spots the closet behind the door but i couldnt find him. so i went out on the balcony to get some fresh air because this had been a stressfull day but as soon as i open the door i saw that motherfucker habging on the outside of the fence so obviusly i started hitting his hands but he wouldnt let go so i went innside and got a hammer i continued to hit him with that and eventualy he let go but he landed in a bush and survived so i went back inn draged the fridge out on the balcony and tiped it over the edge after that i died of a heart attack because of all the stress.
The gatekeeper agrees that this was a pretty horibke way to die and lets the first man in to heaven then he asks the second man how he died. The second man answers:
So every day i do some workout on my balcony but today i fell over the edge and started falling but i was fortunate enough to grab onto the balcony below mine so naturaly i started climbing up to try not to fall the remaining 17 floors but before i even start to climb a man comes out on the balcony and sees me hanging there he gets realy angry and starts hiting my hands but i managed to hold on then the madman walks inside and gets a hammer when he started hiting my fingers with that i couldnt hold on anymore so i fell but landed in a bush and survived but the the lunetic went inside and got his fridge witch he dropt on me and i died
The gatekeeper agreed that this was a terrible way to die so he let him in to heaven. He askes the third guy how he died and the third guy answers
so imagine this: your totaly naked inside a fridge | 1,248 |
“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.” “Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?” | 1,249 |
You shouldn't drink water while studying. It decreases concentration. | 1,250 |
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you start opening windows. | 1,251 |
One guy, "Have you been on a trip recently?" Another guy, "Yes, three in fact. Last month I fell over a sidewalk while really high in Barcelona." | 1,252 |
Why does Santa not have kids Because he only comes once a year | 1,253 |
My mate called me yesterday... And he said to me, "Hey, mate, someone's banging my wife!"
I asked him, "How do you know?"
He responded, "Because I'm standing right behind him right now and he's on the phone while doing it..."
Needless to say we're not friends anymore. | 1,254 |
Safety critical software I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical software.
I need to be engaging, bring in the audience, and make it all feel personal and real. As usual, I started off with a pretty standard presentation, introducing myself, establishing credibility, talking about the subject matter. But about 15 minutes in, I had everyone in the audience stand up, then I outline a new, hypothetical project and tell them they must evaluate it. I gave them the specifications of an aircraft and a deadline at which the project must be completed. I then told them I would ask them a few questions, and if their answer was "no", they could sit down, but if their answer was "yes", they remain standing.
"Would your marketing department would sell this package?" Everybody remained standing.
"Could your team deliver this on time?" About half of the audience sat down.
At this point, I knew I had them. "Would you be willing to put yourself, your friends, and your family on this plane's first flight?" At this point, the audience kind of grins at each other sheepishly, and slowly everyone sits down. But this time, one man remained standing. I saw this as a great opportunity, fully expecting a discussion about software testing, or something like that, so I asked him, "You, sir! Tell me, why is that you alone among all of these people have the courage and confidence to put your loved ones on the line?"
To which he responded, "If my team wrote that software, the plane would never get off the ground!" | 1,255 |
I made a terrible mistake this morning. I got out of bed. | 1,256 |
A girl phoned me the other day, "Come on over, there is nobody home" I went over.....there was nobody home. | 1,257 |
What do you call a gathering of 30 people? 4 weddings and a funeral. | 1,258 |
Why can’t people in Antarctica get the corona virus? Because they’re ice-olated. | 1,259 |
If Mr. Vince Mcmahon and Donald Trump had a baby! It would be called McDonald's. | 1,260 |
I’m stuck in quarantine all alone with a deck of cards. I guess you could say I’m in solitaire confinement. | 1,261 |
Real Life Photoshop “The media advertises unrealistic portrayals of beauty.”
~ Said some bitch wearing makeup. | 1,262 |
Tithing A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are discussing tithing. They draw a circle in chalk on the pavement below them.
The Catholic says: "We should take the money and throw it in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we give to God."
The Protestant says: "No, we should throw it in the air and whatever lands outside the circle we give to God."
The Jew says: “No, we throw it in the air; whatever God wants, He keeps!” | 1,263 |
The piano at the church stopped working last week Total organ failure | 1,264 |
What's a common trait among men who came out of the closet later in life? They're all xbox fans | 1,265 |
Why are porn actresses always in a hurry. Because they working against the cock. | 1,266 |
What comes before part B? Partaaaaaaaay! | 1,267 |
Does anyone know any good tree puns? I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar. | 1,268 |
Did you hear all the Major League Baseball teams shut down? Apparently you can get COVID-19 from bats. | 1,269 |
The one natural satellite that every male bee loves but always forgets The Honey-moon | 1,270 |
I was afraid that my friend where stupid enough to bring over corona... but then I remembered that he is Bud Wiser! | 1,271 |
Wanna hear something depressing? A pull. | 1,272 |
What was Muhammad Ali's favorite way to spend a Sunday? Eat box and sleep. | 1,273 |
have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom" By Willie Maykit
Co-authored by Betty Wont
Illustrated by Andy Didnt | 1,274 |
Trump went outside and saw his shadow today... We're in for six more weeks of quarantine. | 1,275 |
Learning from Construction workers *long* So a boy is home from school one day, and he's driving his mother nuts. Finally she gets fed up and tells him to go across the street where they are doing construction on a house, and not to come home until he learns something.
A few hours pass, and the boy comes home. The mother asks "Did you learn anything?" And the boy replies "Yes mom, I learned how to install a door!" the mother says "That's great, so tell me how do you install a door?"
The son takes a deep breath and then blurts out "Well first you need to find the asshole who took the tape measure, and then you need to measure the fucking frame, and then you need to make sure the fat lazy fuck bought the right size door, and the other asshole actually made the frame right. And then chances are the fucking pins wont line up when you put the fucking door in the frame, so you need to hammer that sonnofabitch until the fucking piece of shit slams in. And THAT'S how you install a door"
Flabbergasted and furious, the mother screams at her son "GO TO YOUR ROOM AND WAIT FOR YOU FATHER TO GET HOME!". The son hangs his head and obeys, going upstairs to wait.
An hour or so passes and his father comes upstairs. "Son, I heard you learned something today?"
The son happily nods his head "Yeah dad! I learned how to install a door!"
The father looked confused. "Well that sounds harmless, maybe your mother is overreacting. Ok son, tell me what you told your mother."
The son smiled, took a big breath, and exclaimed "Well first you need to find the asshole who took the tape measure, and then you need to measure the fucking frame, and then you need to make sure the fat lazy fuck bought the right size door, and the other asshole actually made the frame right. And then chances are the fucking pins wont line up when you put the fucking door in the frame, so you need to hammer that sonnofabitch until the fucking piece of shit slams in. And THAT'S how you install a door"
The father's face turned bright red with anger. He pointed out the door and yelled "That's IT! Go outside and bring me a switch!"
The boy stood defiantly and said "Fuck you dad, that's the Electricians job!"
\*note. back in the day a switch was a flexible thin stick that assholes beat their kids with.\* | 1,276 |
I tried to play Plague.Inc on my computer, but it wouldn’t let me I had to turn off my antivirus | 1,277 |
Our government is safe during the Coronavirus Human to Lizard transmission has yet to be proven. | 1,278 |
What do you call a group of dogs having sex? A Corgy! | 1,279 |
Allow me to de-introduce myself My name is [redacted] | 1,280 |
How do you make a couple of pounds of fat look better? Add nipples on them | 1,281 |
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I’m not sure to be honest, but the flag is a big plus! | 1,282 |
My dad must be taking this social distancing thing really seriously I haven't seen him in 20 years | 1,283 |
It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp: I call it a marsh mellow. | 1,284 |
What time is it when you see sixteen dogs running down the street? Fifteen after one. | 1,285 |
The Corona Virus is like my virginity My uncle has it.
(I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.) | 1,286 |
Why do 80% of Chinese people get cataracts? Because the other 20% drive Rincoln’s | 1,287 |
All this coronavirus talk is driving me nuts! I'm going batshit crazy! | 1,288 |
Genue: What us yoir funal wush ? "U wush U were yoi" | 1,289 |
How would a gay man could remove his condom after having safe sex with his partner? Farting | 1,290 |
People are selling off their automobiles in droves... They don’t want to catch that car owner virus. | 1,291 |
What do you call a musician who carries grain for living? Hall n' oates. | 1,292 |
City slicker buys an old farm There was a gentlemen from the city who decided he wanted to live a simpler life. He buys an old empty farm. Going to the local general store by his new homestead, he asks where he can get some animals. The owner tells him to go to Old Man Murphy’s farm down the road a ways and he will get him all set up with a few animals. Excited the man heads over to the farm. Upon meeting, Old Man Murphy says to the gentleman I can definitely tell you’re a city slicker- Don’t worry, in time you’ll settle in and be just like one of us. The gentleman than asks well, how about that little hen over there. Maybe I can purchase it from you. Surely that would be a great animal to start with. Old Man Murphy says sure, I’ll sell you that one. But, just so you know young hens are actually called pullets. The gentleman sees a donkey off to the side and says well, that looks like a great animal to have at my new farm they are actually called an ass, right? How about I buy him from you. Old Man Murphy says now you’re starting to sound like a farmer. Yes, I’ll sell him to you but, he’s kind of stubborn. Sometimes he just lays down and won’t move. If you scratch on his back a bit he will get right back up and moving. Lastly, the gentleman says well no farm would be complete without a rooster. How about that one right there. Old Man Murphy says sure but, just so you know a rooster is actually called a cock. The gentlemen says oh yeah that makes sense. He thanks Old Man Murphy and starts the walk back to his own farm holding the birds and leading the donkey. About halfway back to his farm the donkey lays down in the middle of the road when suddenly a shiny red sports car pulls up with a beautiful woman driving. A little aggravated that she can’t pass by because of the animal blocking her way. She scoffs at the gentleman. He looks at her and said I’ll get him out of the way in just minute ma’am but, I need a favor to make that happen. She hesitantly says ok. The gentleman says.... will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass? | 1,293 |
A Korean man is wanted for questioning after his wife was found dead in their family home. He is the Seoul suspect. | 1,294 |
So i seen the guy from the fantastic four movies at the gas station the other day.. You know the human torch, i tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming. | 1,295 |
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where. | 1,296 |
My wife left me because I am insecure... No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee. | 1,297 |
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on... I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand. | 1,298 |
When is a dog not a dog? When it's walking down the sidewalk and it suddenly turns into a front yard gate. | 1,299 |
I tell my wife, "I love you," but she keeps talking about this other man. I don't know who this "Hugh Moore" is, but she always says she loves him instead. | 1,300 |
A man walked into a tuxedo store... A man walked into a tuxedo store, looking to buy a suit for an upcoming party. A saleswoman walked over to assist him.
“Hello sir, how may I help you?” she asked.
“I’m looking for a tuxedo,” he replied.
The saleswoman then brought over a few suits to offer to the man.
“Here. This is a navy blue suit. How do you like it?” the saleswoman asked.
“That looks terrible. I do not want that,” the man said, shaking his head.
“How about this? A nice, grey suit,” the saleswoman questioned.
“Ew! That is really atrocious!” the man groaned, recoiling in disgust.
The saleswoman, her temper now rising, held up a black tuxedo and asked, “How about this sir?”
The man yelled, “No! That looks so bad!”
Finally, now unable to control herself, the saleswoman shouted back, “Fine! Suit yourself!” | 1,301 |
A kid talking to his dad. Son: Hey dad, I had my first blow job last weekend.
Dad: That’s my boy, how was it?
Son: it was pretty good but I do have a question.
Dad: What’s that?
Son: How do you get the taste out of your mouth? | 1,302 |
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