text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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what did anakin say to padme can i touch your naboobs | 1,203 |
To shave your scrotum with a straight razor... ... you really need to have balls. | 1,204 |
I would tell you what clandestine means... but I keep its definition secret. | 1,205 |
How do bees keep safe at home during a Corona lockdown? Stay in a hive!
Stay in a hive!
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Stay in a hiiiiiiiiiiiive.... | 1,206 |
What do you call a girl wearing camouflage? Heidi. | 1,207 |
My first sexual experience was scary... I was all alone! | 1,208 |
What was Morgan Freeman called before the civil war? Morgan | 1,209 |
People often ask me what happened after I contacted the coronavirus. What can I say, it works for me. | 1,210 |
Chuck Norris got in contact with the coronavirus. Now the coronavirus spreads Chuck Norris. | 1,211 |
Just saw a sheep fight a cow Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood | 1,212 |
Why did star wars 4-6 come before 1-3 Because in charge of planning, Yoda was | 1,213 |
As a bad translator once said The road is the destination. | 1,214 |
My father once told me... ..."If you don't drink, don't smoke and don't go with women, you'll live a long time. Well, it will feel like a long time". | 1,215 |
Does anyone know what this Japanese rice wine is called? I can't remember the name, for Heaven's sake. | 1,216 |
Skill testing question: How many meters does a squirrel run in a week (7 days) if he travels at 25km/h and on average spends 4.5hs a day running. Answer: Zero as he is stuck at home self isolating.
As far as I know this is OC. | 1,217 |
Three people walk into a bar... Thats it, thats the joke. Stay home, stay safe. | 1,218 |
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed ten Communists... ...and then the grenade went off. | 1,219 |
I just did something that took a lot of balls. I used them as a Newton's cradle. | 1,220 |
Am I even here? Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. | 1,221 |
Two fish were swimming together in the river. Suddenly, they swam headfirst into a concrete wall.
One fish turned to the other and said, "Damn." | 1,222 |
I walked into a pet store and asked for six bees The cashier counted out seven and handed them to me.
I asked 'why the extra bee?'
She said it was free-bee. | 1,223 |
Did you know atoms don't touch each other that means we have never touched anything in our lives So no officer i did not punch that kid | 1,224 |
If a man in his late 40s knocks on your door... saying they need to wank you off and collect your semen for a COVID-19 test, IT IS A CON.
I feel like a fucking idiot | 1,225 |
Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said: "You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo" | 1,226 |
When I looked at the state of my hair, I despaired. I just wanted to curl up and dye now. | 1,227 |
I just asked my wife to put a nurses outfit on She said why? Are you feeling horny?
I said no, we need bread and milk | 1,228 |
The European Union is like a bad boss. If everything goes well it’s thanks to it but if something goes wrong it’s your fault. | 1,229 |
Hey girl you wanna go to Ireland Cos you're Dublin the size of this cock | 1,230 |
Ever since the quarantine my kids have been banging on the door and been staring at it crying... They're begging me to let them in, but I've told them that rules are rules. | 1,231 |
Just so you all know This is very difficult for me to say | 1,232 |
What to you call the quadruple amputee on your doorstep? Matt.
What do you call him when he's in the pool?
Bob.
What do you call him when he's nailed to the wall?
Art.
What do you call him if he's in a pile of leaves?
Russell. | 1,233 |
It takes leather balls to play rugby Attention arcade game players: please don't eat the urinal cakes. | 1,234 |
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months. | 1,235 |
So, three men, Jack, Bill, and Josh, go on a trip to a jungle... They came across a tribe, and got trapped and taken in by them.
The tribesmen bring the three of them to their leader. Their leader tells them, "I want each of you to find me ten fruits-- any fruit, as long as it's the same kind. If you can do that, I wi... | 1,236 |
Trump was right about Coronavirus When Trump said that the cases would be at zero soon, he probably meant that the number of cases would have LOTS of zeros soon. | 1,237 |
What sound does Baby Yoda make? Gaagaa-googoo | 1,238 |
Coronavirus response plan The owner of my gym just sent out a more detailed, thoughtful, and clinically valid response to the pandemic than has so far been issued by the President of the United States. | 1,239 |
Instead of the Freshman Fifteen We're all about to get the Covid-19.
Where we gain 19 pounds from staying indoors during quarantine, not exercising. | 1,240 |
Coronavirus diary: Day two without televised sports. I found a young lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she's my wife. She seems nice. | 1,241 |
Knock knock joke *Knock knock*
"Who's there?"
"......" | 1,242 |
So I started dating my high school girlfriend again. It just felt right now that I've come out as gay, and she has transitioned into a guy. | 1,243 |
It's hard to establish when this novel Coronavirus will be over. We'd have preferred a short story. | 1,244 |
Excerpts from the diary of pets **Excerpts from the diary of a dog:**
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in ... | 1,245 |
Work from home during lock down Customer on the phone: That's unacceptable, I would like to speak to your superior.
Employee: Moooom! | 1,246 |
The Japanese invented a thief catching robot. After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.
The news Broke out.
Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 ho... | 1,247 |
Three men arive at the gates of heaven There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story.
The first man steps forward and says: i came home ... | 1,248 |
“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.” “Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?” | 1,249 |
You shouldn't drink water while studying. It decreases concentration. | 1,250 |
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you start opening windows. | 1,251 |
One guy, "Have you been on a trip recently?" Another guy, "Yes, three in fact. Last month I fell over a sidewalk while really high in Barcelona." | 1,252 |
Why does Santa not have kids Because he only comes once a year | 1,253 |
My mate called me yesterday... And he said to me, "Hey, mate, someone's banging my wife!"
I asked him, "How do you know?"
He responded, "Because I'm standing right behind him right now and he's on the phone while doing it..."
Needless to say we're not friends anymore. | 1,254 |
Safety critical software I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety criti... | 1,255 |
I made a terrible mistake this morning. I got out of bed. | 1,256 |
A girl phoned me the other day, "Come on over, there is nobody home" I went over.....there was nobody home. | 1,257 |
What do you call a gathering of 30 people? 4 weddings and a funeral. | 1,258 |
Why can’t people in Antarctica get the corona virus? Because they’re ice-olated. | 1,259 |
If Mr. Vince Mcmahon and Donald Trump had a baby! It would be called McDonald's. | 1,260 |
I’m stuck in quarantine all alone with a deck of cards. I guess you could say I’m in solitaire confinement. | 1,261 |
Real Life Photoshop “The media advertises unrealistic portrayals of beauty.”
~ Said some bitch wearing makeup. | 1,262 |
Tithing A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are discussing tithing. They draw a circle in chalk on the pavement below them.
The Catholic says: "We should take the money and throw it in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we give to God."
The Protestant says: "No, we should throw it in the air and whateve... | 1,263 |
The piano at the church stopped working last week Total organ failure | 1,264 |
What's a common trait among men who came out of the closet later in life? They're all xbox fans | 1,265 |
Why are porn actresses always in a hurry. Because they working against the cock. | 1,266 |
What comes before part B? Partaaaaaaaay! | 1,267 |
Does anyone know any good tree puns? I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar. | 1,268 |
Did you hear all the Major League Baseball teams shut down? Apparently you can get COVID-19 from bats. | 1,269 |
The one natural satellite that every male bee loves but always forgets The Honey-moon | 1,270 |
I was afraid that my friend where stupid enough to bring over corona... but then I remembered that he is Bud Wiser! | 1,271 |
Wanna hear something depressing? A pull. | 1,272 |
What was Muhammad Ali's favorite way to spend a Sunday? Eat box and sleep. | 1,273 |
have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom" By Willie Maykit
Co-authored by Betty Wont
Illustrated by Andy Didnt | 1,274 |
Trump went outside and saw his shadow today... We're in for six more weeks of quarantine. | 1,275 |
Learning from Construction workers *long* So a boy is home from school one day, and he's driving his mother nuts. Finally she gets fed up and tells him to go across the street where they are doing construction on a house, and not to come home until he learns something.
A few hours pass, and the boy comes home. The mo... | 1,276 |
I tried to play Plague.Inc on my computer, but it wouldn’t let me I had to turn off my antivirus | 1,277 |
Our government is safe during the Coronavirus Human to Lizard transmission has yet to be proven. | 1,278 |
What do you call a group of dogs having sex? A Corgy! | 1,279 |
Allow me to de-introduce myself My name is [redacted] | 1,280 |
How do you make a couple of pounds of fat look better? Add nipples on them | 1,281 |
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I’m not sure to be honest, but the flag is a big plus! | 1,282 |
My dad must be taking this social distancing thing really seriously I haven't seen him in 20 years | 1,283 |
It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp: I call it a marsh mellow. | 1,284 |
What time is it when you see sixteen dogs running down the street? Fifteen after one. | 1,285 |
The Corona Virus is like my virginity My uncle has it.
(I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.) | 1,286 |
Why do 80% of Chinese people get cataracts? Because the other 20% drive Rincoln’s | 1,287 |
All this coronavirus talk is driving me nuts! I'm going batshit crazy! | 1,288 |
Genue: What us yoir funal wush ? "U wush U were yoi" | 1,289 |
How would a gay man could remove his condom after having safe sex with his partner? Farting | 1,290 |
People are selling off their automobiles in droves... They don’t want to catch that car owner virus. | 1,291 |
What do you call a musician who carries grain for living? Hall n' oates. | 1,292 |
City slicker buys an old farm There was a gentlemen from the city who decided he wanted to live a simpler life. He buys an old empty farm. Going to the local general store by his new homestead, he asks where he can get some animals. The owner tells him to go to Old Man Murphy’s farm down the road a ways and he will get... | 1,293 |
A Korean man is wanted for questioning after his wife was found dead in their family home. He is the Seoul suspect. | 1,294 |
So i seen the guy from the fantastic four movies at the gas station the other day.. You know the human torch, i tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming. | 1,295 |
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where. | 1,296 |
My wife left me because I am insecure... No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee. | 1,297 |
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on... I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand. | 1,298 |
When is a dog not a dog? When it's walking down the sidewalk and it suddenly turns into a front yard gate. | 1,299 |
I tell my wife, "I love you," but she keeps talking about this other man. I don't know who this "Hugh Moore" is, but she always says she loves him instead. | 1,300 |
A man walked into a tuxedo store... A man walked into a tuxedo store, looking to buy a suit for an upcoming party. A saleswoman walked over to assist him.
“Hello sir, how may I help you?” she asked.
“I’m looking for a tuxedo,” he replied.
The saleswoman then brought over a few suits to offer to the man.
“Here. Thi... | 1,301 |
A kid talking to his dad. Son: Hey dad, I had my first blow job last weekend.
Dad: That’s my boy, how was it?
Son: it was pretty good but I do have a question.
Dad: What’s that?
Son: How do you get the taste out of your mouth? | 1,302 |
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