text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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What's R.Kelly's Achilles heel? Whatever size heels 16 year old girls wear.
Came up with that joke all on my own. | 1,101 |
My whole body is changing during lockdown The button on my Jeans have started social distancing from each other. | 1,102 |
This cowboy walks into a German car showroom, And he says "Audi!" | 1,103 |
How much fun can you have with communism? Ours of fun | 1,104 |
Why do rich people like golf? It’s not very taxing. | 1,105 |
What do you call a genetically engineered cow? A Mootant | 1,106 |
Whats 1000x better then instagram? instakilogram | 1,107 |
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. | 1,108 |
Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head... Seems like a no-brainer to me | 1,109 |
Why can't you ever visit Marc Maron's island in animal crossing? Because he wants to lock the gates! | 1,110 |
Why couldn't the 11-year-old go to see the pirate movie? Coronavirus. | 1,111 |
A man and his dog walk into a bar The man tells the bartender, "I bet you $100 that this is a talking dog."
The bartender says, "Ok, if it is a talking dog, I will give you $100. But if it isn't, then you give me $100 and I'll throw you and the dog out that window."
The man looks to the dog and says, "Ok, boy: what i... | 1,112 |
A Russian, an Ameican, and a British admiral... ...were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
The Russian said “ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sail... | 1,113 |
Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer For good clean fun | 1,114 |
Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding. I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all. | 1,115 |
Jesus to the Maitre D at the last supper: “I’d like a table for 26 please.”
Maitre D: “But there’s only 13 of you.”
Jesus: “Yes, but we’d all like to sit on the same side.” | 1,116 |
What's a cold's favorite brand of popcorn? Act II | 1,117 |
I hate when people say Trump isn't taking the threat of coronavirus seriously His brain cells have been self isolating for years | 1,119 |
What’s the most dangerous move a UFC fighter can make against another in a fight? The Cough | 1,120 |
I’m fucking funny... My girlfriend tells I’m a joke in bed. | 1,121 |
I told a joke about Corona to my friends nobody laughed but they all got it | 1,122 |
I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other. It seemed like there was some beef between them | 1,123 |
Had a wheelbarrow full of horse shit fill with rainwater last night. And whaddya know? We have shit-tea water. | 1,124 |
I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before. I think it has roomba-toid arthritis. | 1,125 |
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names? Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski
Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.
To a lesser b... | 1,126 |
My grandma’s dirty joke Little Ms. Muffin sat on Pinocchio’s face
“Lie to me” she says. | 1,127 |
My mom said it's too soon to make coronavirus jokes But if we wait any longer, it'll be a disaster! | 1,128 |
What do you call a woman who is feeling snuggly after sex? a cab | 1,129 |
What is the most powerful word in English? Yawn | 1,130 |
Why dis Harry Potter ride a Nimbus 2000? He missed his old room | 1,131 |
What pokemon is made of a SR latch and a NOR gate? A SNOR latch. | 1,132 |
Did I tell you about my friend in Africa named Dwayne? I haven’t seen him in a while.
I miss Dwayne... down in Africa. | 1,133 |
Never, ever ask a woman her age; a man his salary. And an electron's position and momentum simultaneously, to Heisenberg. | 1,134 |
A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island... They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually sh... | 1,135 |
The pope's traffic stop The pope is on tour in the United States. He's sitting in the back of the popemobile, and he says to himself, "You know, this is really getting to be a drag. Every day it's the same crowds, the same homily." Then a light bulb goes on. He says, "Driver, pull over. I'm going to drive for a while. ... | 1,136 |
Due to the rising threat of the global pandemic, famed Hollywood actor Christopher Walken is promoting awareness.. ..By changing his name to Christopher Stay-in. | 1,137 |
I'm too scared to get tested for Coronavirus So I got the roundabout Coronavirus test. I call my friend Brian.
"Brian, do you know anyone who has Coronavirus?"
"No"
"Cool, cause you know me."
-Mitch Hedberg sort of | 1,138 |
Jungle Drums
An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"... | 1,139 |
I have an online friend who likes wordplay as much as I do. We've never met in person, but we like to exchange groan-inducing jokes by Email. We're pun pals. | 1,140 |
The sound of beer bottles shattering gives me anxiety. It reminds me of how my dad used to not even recycle. | 1,141 |
How would you summarize the uniqueness and symptoms of coronavirus in a single sentence? ...coronavirus takes your breath away | 1,142 |
Have you been to Italy recently? (Somewhat mean) I heard that it was pretty sick. | 1,143 |
The year is 2050 The year is 2050, health technologies have developed faster than ever, brain transplant is now possible and almost every hospital can conduct such surgery.
A man consults his physician to change into a better brain. The physician lists the brains the hospital offers and their corresponding price:
"... | 1,144 |
What is the difference between the Coronavirus and a scat fetish? I do not have the Coronavirus. | 1,145 |
Feeling a little quirky When I was younger the police asked me, "Can you describe to us the robber?"
I probably should have helped catch the guy, but I had a lot more fun seeing the look on that sketch artist's face as he slowly drew himself. | 1,146 |
A doctor tries to get a pro-vaxxer to vaccinate her kid but runs into a surprising problem A doctor was doing a checkup on a two year old kid who was new to the neighbourhood, and was shocked to find that according to the vaccination records, the kid was not vaccinated. Assuming that the mom was one of those anti-vaxxe... | 1,147 |
A man couldn’t figure out how to do his jigsaw He seemed quite puzzled | 1,148 |
A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation. A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a comp... | 1,149 |
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness? **Me:** I use bad words
**Interviewer: *[laughing]*:** that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
**Me:** well that’s extrusively harbilary to hear | 1,150 |
Bosnian X-Files In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.
Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.
Time passed on and people contin... | 1,151 |
I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle I bought a bottle of Vodka and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought it might fall off the bicycle and the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the vodka before I left the store.
It turned out to be a good decision because I fe... | 1,152 |
[NSFW] Support Group A guy went to his Premature Ejaculation Support Group meeting this morning.
Found out it’s tomorrow. | 1,153 |
What is a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
Your welcome | 1,154 |
I’ve Been waiting for the perfect time I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown. | 1,155 |
I used to think my sculpture fetish was normal... ...but then I hit rock bottom. | 1,156 |
What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment. | 1,157 |
Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!! | 1,158 |
My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies to have with our coffee and get infected with corona, or to just have coffee by itself.
​
In the end we decided to go to the store, because you know...... | 1,159 |
They say that peeing after sex reduces the risks of UTIs Only if you pull out first. | 1,160 |
I got in touch with my inner self today That's the last time I'll buy 1-ply toilet paper at the dollar store. | 1,161 |
What did the drug addict say to the other drug addict? High | 1,162 |
My girlfriend once gave up sex for lent I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday | 1,163 |
Why do cows wear bells? Cause their horns don’t work. | 1,164 |
What do you call a straight woman with a strap on? Peggy | 1,165 |
I started having an affair with a married woman. As an eligible bachelor, I started to have an affair with a married woman. We kept our activities discrete in order to avoid detection from her husband. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday in the evening because that’s when her husband is supposed to be out working.
Unfo... | 1,166 |
A wish from a genie A man from germany, Henrman , one from france, Marco, and one from belgium , Steven, are stranded on an island. Sundenly a genie appears an he says: "each one of you can make one wish".
Herman says: "I feel really lonely, I want to be with my wife".
The genie teleports him from the island to his h... | 1,167 |
Life for us redditors is like a 3D printer. Most of us don’t have one. | 1,168 |
A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small ... | 1,169 |
I haven't spoken to my wife for two weeks. Dave calls a car dealership.
Salesman, "Hi Dave, you still want to trade in your wife?"
Dave, "I haven't spoken to my wife for two weeks."
Salesman, "She mad at you?"
Dave, "Nah, I didn't want to interrupt her." | 1,170 |
I'm giving up alcohol for the duration of this quarantine. Wait. I wrote that wrong.
I'm giving up. Alcohol for the duration of this quarantine. | 1,171 |
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, laying in front of someone's door? Matt. | 1,172 |
Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelli... | 1,173 |
5G isn't dangerous! Just don't sniff it all at once...duh. | 1,174 |
The Clever Old Man One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond,as he hadn't been there for a while,and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some food.
As he neared the pond,he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny ... | 1,175 |
The teacher says "Johnny, your word for today is Euphoria. Please use it in a sentence." "Euphoria is what I want to feel when I'm really excited and happy."
"Very good Johnny!"
"Yeah, I used to think I'd be excited and happy to fuck you or one of the other three gorgeous teachers in this school. Now I know I'd rath... | 1,176 |
[At an autopsy] Doctor 1: You know, I have been practicing my ventriloquism. Doctor 2: Now is definitely not a good time.
Corpse: Aw, come on! | 1,177 |
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem." Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity." | 1,178 |
The government is asking me to list all of my household’s favorite M. Night Shyamalan movies It’s The Sixth Census. | 1,179 |
While the world is fighting the Coronavirus... Georgia is fighting the Pollenesian sneezes.
Little local humor. Pollen count is nearly 6000 today. | 1,180 |
They name a virus after a beer, and what do we do? Whine. | 1,181 |
What's the difference between a well-dressed person on a unicycle or a poorly-dressed person on a bicycle? Attire | 1,182 |
What is your go to never fail joke for parties? I assume that this will become nsfw, but we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it. | 1,183 |
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time? ...it was Luke warm. | 1,184 |
What’s the difference between a Taliban camp and a Pakistani school? I don’t actually know I just fly the drone. | 1,185 |
What did John Cena say while he was doing a charity event at a school for the blind? You can't see me.
~credit:Jacksfilms | 1,186 |
I like my women like I like my pandemics. [nsfw] 19 and spread wide. | 1,188 |
Governor Cuomo of New York has introduced strict social distancing measures All New Yorkers must stand 440 metres apart at all times - in other words, the equivalent of an Empire State building height's worth away from each other. | 1,189 |
Many essential-oil stores have shut down. The state deemed them non essential. | 1,190 |
New Viagra commercial. HEIP I’ve hired a prostitute and I can’t get up. | 1,191 |
RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the... | 1,192 |
My friends stopped coming to our D&D nights due to me always masturbating under the table Guess I'll just play with myself from now on. | 1,193 |
I bet Nobody will get this joke Because nobody sorts by "New" | 1,194 |
First day on the job. Fresh out of journalism school, the rookie journalist bounds up to the editor hungry for a story to go after.
The editor says I'll give you an easy one for your first day. Go out into the community and bring me back a feel good human interest story. We need a bit of cheering up!
The reporter he... | 1,195 |
My gf was mad at me the other day for having no sense of direction So i packed my stuff and right | 1,196 |
What do you call a frenchmen wearing sandals? Phillipe pheloppe | 1,197 |
What do you call a jehova witness from china? Ding dong | 1,198 |
What do you say to a haemophiliac who gets cured? Coagulations! | 1,199 |
Donald Trump is having a meeting with his health advisors about the COVID-19 outbreak... The lead advisor tells him "Mr president, more international people are testing positive in the United States every day. Today alone, 50 Brazilian people have confirmed cases."
"Oh my god, that's awful!", Trump replies, ".....how ... | 1,200 |
I wondered why the truck was getting bigger and then it hit me | 1,201 |
What did hitler chew? Bubble gum you filthy f*ck | 1,202 |
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