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What's R.Kelly's Achilles heel? Whatever size heels 16 year old girls wear.
Came up with that joke all on my own. | 1,101 |
My whole body is changing during lockdown The button on my Jeans have started social distancing from each other. | 1,102 |
This cowboy walks into a German car showroom, And he says "Audi!" | 1,103 |
How much fun can you have with communism? Ours of fun | 1,104 |
Why do rich people like golf? It’s not very taxing. | 1,105 |
What do you call a genetically engineered cow? A Mootant | 1,106 |
Whats 1000x better then instagram? instakilogram | 1,107 |
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. | 1,108 |
Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head... Seems like a no-brainer to me | 1,109 |
Why can't you ever visit Marc Maron's island in animal crossing? Because he wants to lock the gates! | 1,110 |
Why couldn't the 11-year-old go to see the pirate movie? Coronavirus. | 1,111 |
A man and his dog walk into a bar The man tells the bartender, "I bet you $100 that this is a talking dog."
The bartender says, "Ok, if it is a talking dog, I will give you $100. But if it isn't, then you give me $100 and I'll throw you and the dog out that window."
The man looks to the dog and says, "Ok, boy: what is on top of a house?"
The dog barks: "Roof!"
The man asks, "How does sandpaper feel?"
The dog barks: "Rough!"
The man asks,"Who's the greatest baseball player?"
The dog barks: "Ruth!"
The bartender says,"I'm not falling for that!" And he throws the two of them through the window.
As the man is laying there covered in broken glass, the dog gets up and says, "Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?" | 1,112 |
A Russian, an Ameican, and a British admiral... ...were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
The Russian said “ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says “ That gentleman is courage"
The American says that's nothing.He calls over a PO and says “ I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps of the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says “ That gentleman is courage"
The British admiral says “ That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says “You can fuck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says “ And that gentleman is courage" | 1,113 |
Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer For good clean fun | 1,114 |
Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding. I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all. | 1,115 |
Jesus to the Maitre D at the last supper: “I’d like a table for 26 please.”
Maitre D: “But there’s only 13 of you.”
Jesus: “Yes, but we’d all like to sit on the same side.” | 1,116 |
What's a cold's favorite brand of popcorn? Act II | 1,117 |
I hate when people say Trump isn't taking the threat of coronavirus seriously His brain cells have been self isolating for years | 1,119 |
What’s the most dangerous move a UFC fighter can make against another in a fight? The Cough | 1,120 |
I’m fucking funny... My girlfriend tells I’m a joke in bed. | 1,121 |
I told a joke about Corona to my friends nobody laughed but they all got it | 1,122 |
I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other. It seemed like there was some beef between them | 1,123 |
Had a wheelbarrow full of horse shit fill with rainwater last night. And whaddya know? We have shit-tea water. | 1,124 |
I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before. I think it has roomba-toid arthritis. | 1,125 |
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names? Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski
Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.
To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards. | 1,126 |
My grandma’s dirty joke Little Ms. Muffin sat on Pinocchio’s face
“Lie to me” she says. | 1,127 |
My mom said it's too soon to make coronavirus jokes But if we wait any longer, it'll be a disaster! | 1,128 |
What do you call a woman who is feeling snuggly after sex? a cab | 1,129 |
What is the most powerful word in English? Yawn | 1,130 |
Why dis Harry Potter ride a Nimbus 2000? He missed his old room | 1,131 |
What pokemon is made of a SR latch and a NOR gate? A SNOR latch. | 1,132 |
Did I tell you about my friend in Africa named Dwayne? I haven’t seen him in a while.
I miss Dwayne... down in Africa. | 1,133 |
Never, ever ask a woman her age; a man his salary. And an electron's position and momentum simultaneously, to Heisenberg. | 1,134 |
A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island... They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, youll do anything id like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.
"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!" | 1,135 |
The pope's traffic stop The pope is on tour in the United States. He's sitting in the back of the popemobile, and he says to himself, "You know, this is really getting to be a drag. Every day it's the same crowds, the same homily." Then a light bulb goes on. He says, "Driver, pull over. I'm going to drive for a while. You sit back here. Help yourself to the minibar."
So the pope is doing about 85, and sure enough, the blue lights flash. The state trooper says, "Your Holiness, do you know why I pulled you over?" And the pope says, "Man, I ain't gonna try and bullshit you. I was probably doing a bit over the limit back there."
So the trooper takes the pope's registration back to his cruiser and radios his sergeant. "I got a situation here," he says.
"What, did you pull the mayor over again? I thought I warned you about that," the sergeant says. "No," says the trooper. "It's worse than that."
"Well, what, did you pull the governor over?" says the sergeant. "No," says the trooper. "It's worse than that.
"Holy moley, did you pull the President over?" says the sergeant. "No ... worse than that."
"What could possibly be worse than pulling over the President?" the sergeant demands. And the trooper says, "Well, I don't know. But he's got the pope for his driver." | 1,136 |
Due to the rising threat of the global pandemic, famed Hollywood actor Christopher Walken is promoting awareness.. ..By changing his name to Christopher Stay-in. | 1,137 |
I'm too scared to get tested for Coronavirus So I got the roundabout Coronavirus test. I call my friend Brian.
"Brian, do you know anyone who has Coronavirus?"
"No"
"Cool, cause you know me."
-Mitch Hedberg sort of | 1,138 |
Jungle Drums
An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"
The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."
As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"
Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo." | 1,139 |
I have an online friend who likes wordplay as much as I do. We've never met in person, but we like to exchange groan-inducing jokes by Email. We're pun pals. | 1,140 |
The sound of beer bottles shattering gives me anxiety. It reminds me of how my dad used to not even recycle. | 1,141 |
How would you summarize the uniqueness and symptoms of coronavirus in a single sentence? ...coronavirus takes your breath away | 1,142 |
Have you been to Italy recently? (Somewhat mean) I heard that it was pretty sick. | 1,143 |
The year is 2050 The year is 2050, health technologies have developed faster than ever, brain transplant is now possible and almost every hospital can conduct such surgery.
A man consults his physician to change into a better brain. The physician lists the brains the hospital offers and their corresponding price:
"Here is the brain of a person with a bachelor's degree in chemistry; the price is $25,000."
"Here is the brain of a person with a master's degree in biomedical science; the price is $50,000."
"Here is the brain of a feminist; the price is $1,000,000."
The man is surprised by how much the brain of a feminist costs, so he asks, "Why does the feminist's brain cost so much, is it because a feminist is a lot smarter than a person with a master's degree in biomedical science?"
The physician answers, "Hell no! Do you know how many feminists do we have to kill to put together a complete brain?" | 1,144 |
What is the difference between the Coronavirus and a scat fetish? I do not have the Coronavirus. | 1,145 |
Feeling a little quirky When I was younger the police asked me, "Can you describe to us the robber?"
I probably should have helped catch the guy, but I had a lot more fun seeing the look on that sketch artist's face as he slowly drew himself. | 1,146 |
A doctor tries to get a pro-vaxxer to vaccinate her kid but runs into a surprising problem A doctor was doing a checkup on a two year old kid who was new to the neighbourhood, and was shocked to find that according to the vaccination records, the kid was not vaccinated. Assuming that the mom was one of those anti-vaxxers, he prepares a number of pro-vaccination pamphlets to prepare to convince her to the benefits of vaccination.
The mom says, "I don't need pro-vaccination pamphlets. I'm 100% pro-vaccination."
Relieved, the doctor said: "Well, then I'll administer the vaccines right away."
However, the mom said: "No need. The kid is already vaccinated."
The doctor said: "No, I assure you that according to official records, your kid is most certainly not vaccinated. Do you have any documents proving the child is vaccinated?"
The mom said: "Yes, the proof is that my child is alive."
The doctor was like: "Pardon me?"
The mom explains: "Vaccines saves lives, and children without vaccines die. It is hard, scientific fact that no child can survive without vaccination, so the fact my child is alive proves he is vaccinated."
The doctor said: "I'm sorry, but you must have heard some misinformation. Vaccines greatly increase a child's survival rate, but child could survive without vaccines. A child being alive is not proof that he or she is vaccinated."
The mom was shocked: "I can't believe they would let an ANTI-VAXXER be a doctor! You're one of those idiots that believe children could survive without vaccines? What do you take me for, an idiot? You are the reason all these children don't get vaccinated. Not only should you lose your license, you should go to jail."
The doctor said: "No, ma'am. I'm very pro-vaccination. I've performed thousands of vaccinations just last year. I'm just sticking to the facts. You need to get your child vaccinated."
The mom screamed: "We have an anti-vax doctor in the house! He's trying to convince me that children can survive without vaccines!!"
The entire hospital went up in arms. What? An anti-vaxxer doctor working in the hospital spreading misinformation?
The entire hospital chanted: "Throw him out! Throw him out!"
After they threw out the doctor and everyone who supported him, the hospital thanked the mother for her service in helping spreading the benefits of vaccination.
"Remember, vaccination saves lives." Said the mother. "But we have much work to do. We must inform everyone that children couldn't survive without vaccines. The problem is much bigger than us."
Pondering about how to spread the message, someone gets an idea.
"Why don't we flood reddit with anti-vax jokes, and label anyone who disagrees with us an an anti-vaxxer?"
"Sounds like a great idea."
And here we are. | 1,147 |
A man couldn’t figure out how to do his jigsaw He seemed quite puzzled | 1,148 |
A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation. A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a complex procedure?” The nurse says “Oh, I’m sure he’ll finger it out”. | 1,149 |
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness? **Me:** I use bad words
**Interviewer: *[laughing]*:** that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
**Me:** well that’s extrusively harbilary to hear | 1,150 |
Bosnian X-Files In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.
Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.
Time passed on and people continued to die. Every Friday at 11 PM, exactly the same time, always in the same bed... Some doctors started believing something supernatural had been happening.
They decided to form an expert group to determine what on earth was going on.
So on the next Friday, few minutes before 11 PM, many specialists and medical experts gathered around "the haunted bed". They even called alternative medicine practitioners. *"Who knows, maybe they can help solve the mystery."*
Some of them had crucifixes and Bibles, holy water, some of them brought Kurans, one even brought a garlic. They, of course, had medical textbooks as well.
When clock marked 11th hour, Rasema entered the room. She was the new cleaning lady. She was surprised to see all the people but she went on with her job. She wanted to show how hard working she was! She unplugged one of the life supporting machines to plug in the vacuum cleaner. | 1,151 |
I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle I bought a bottle of Vodka and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought it might fall off the bicycle and the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the vodka before I left the store.
It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home | 1,152 |
[NSFW] Support Group A guy went to his Premature Ejaculation Support Group meeting this morning.
Found out it’s tomorrow. | 1,153 |
What is a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
Your welcome | 1,154 |
I’ve Been waiting for the perfect time I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown. | 1,155 |
I used to think my sculpture fetish was normal... ...but then I hit rock bottom. | 1,156 |
What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment. | 1,157 |
Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!! | 1,158 |
My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies to have with our coffee and get infected with corona, or to just have coffee by itself.
​
In the end we decided to go to the store, because you know... you have to risk it for the biscuit. | 1,159 |
They say that peeing after sex reduces the risks of UTIs Only if you pull out first. | 1,160 |
I got in touch with my inner self today That's the last time I'll buy 1-ply toilet paper at the dollar store. | 1,161 |
What did the drug addict say to the other drug addict? High | 1,162 |
My girlfriend once gave up sex for lent I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday | 1,163 |
Why do cows wear bells? Cause their horns don’t work. | 1,164 |
What do you call a straight woman with a strap on? Peggy | 1,165 |
I started having an affair with a married woman. As an eligible bachelor, I started to have an affair with a married woman. We kept our activities discrete in order to avoid detection from her husband. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday in the evening because that’s when her husband is supposed to be out working.
Unfortunately, the husband came home early and caught the two of us in bed. The woman was absolutely terrified, and the husband was livid and looked ready to cause harm to the woman.
“What the hell are you doing here!?” he demanded to know.
“Please, the fault is all mine,” I explain, “I was the one that answered her ad in the newspaper.” | 1,166 |
A wish from a genie A man from germany, Henrman , one from france, Marco, and one from belgium , Steven, are stranded on an island. Sundenly a genie appears an he says: "each one of you can make one wish".
Herman says: "I feel really lonely, I want to be with my wife".
The genie teleports him from the island to his home.
Marco is second and says: "I feel lonely too, could you please bring me to my wife and children".
So the genie also teleports him back to home.
Now it's Steven's turn, he says: "I'm lonely too, I really miss my new friends, could you bring Herman and Marco to me"
So the genie teleports Herman and Marco back to the island. | 1,167 |
Life for us redditors is like a 3D printer. Most of us don’t have one. | 1,168 |
A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead - with an even uglier woman.
When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead.
This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women.
The Irishman replies “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself “Fucking income tax” | 1,169 |
I haven't spoken to my wife for two weeks. Dave calls a car dealership.
Salesman, "Hi Dave, you still want to trade in your wife?"
Dave, "I haven't spoken to my wife for two weeks."
Salesman, "She mad at you?"
Dave, "Nah, I didn't want to interrupt her." | 1,170 |
I'm giving up alcohol for the duration of this quarantine. Wait. I wrote that wrong.
I'm giving up. Alcohol for the duration of this quarantine. | 1,171 |
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, laying in front of someone's door? Matt. | 1,172 |
Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion, so the kings decided to go to war.
The first kingdom is very wealthy, and has a grand army of thousands of Knights in shining armour with state of the art squires and weaponry, expertly trained killing machines.
The second kingdom is moderately well off, and has several hundred Knights in standard armour with enough squires to get by, but all willing in heart and mind.
The third kingdom is very poor, and has only one elderly Knight with his great grandson for a squire, in rusty centuries old armour.
On the eve before the battle, each kingdom decides to have a celebration for the great deeds that are about to be done.
The first kingdom has a great banquet that no words can give justice to, a massive, endless hall of food and delight, dancers and jesters and bards as plentiful as the fine wine and boar that accompanies them.
The second kingdom has not nearly as grand an occasion, but makes the most of what they have, making up for the lack of fine food and entertainment with enough ale to knock out an elephant.
The third kingdom has but scraps to make do with. In fact, so little food do they have that there is only enough for the Knight and boy squire alone to have a feast (a feast by their standards, at least). The elderly Knight is too weak and tired to get up, so the squire prepares the meal. He decides to cook a stew, so hangs a pot over a fire with a noose and cooks what they have into a small broth.
Finally, the great day dawns. The kings did not sleep through the night, and sent their generals to ready their armies. The world sat on tenterhooks.
However, fate had taken a strange turn. The armies from the first and second kingdoms had drunk so much in their revels that not one remained conscious, much to the fury of their leaders. And in the third kingdom, the elderly Knight's back had perished due to old age. The kings were left speechless. There was only one option.
The squires must go to war.
So on the battlefield, a hundred thousand squires in tunics too big for them and wooden swords trampled the ground beneath them as they came to the edge. One gigantic behemoth of an army met the other small but willing force at the peak of the lake.
And the squire of the third kingdom faced them all.
The battle began. Heads were clubbed in, backs broken, knees twisted, hair pulled, and slowly the numbers remaining dwindled. As the hours swept by and the body piles grew high, the kings and their people watched in the greatest suspense the lake ever knew.
And as the sun set, and the dust cleared, finally, a single figure stood atop the mountain of bodies beneath him, victorious. The squire of the third kingdom had won.
This goes to show that the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is greater than the sum of the squires of the other two sides of the triangle. | 1,173 |
5G isn't dangerous! Just don't sniff it all at once...duh. | 1,174 |
The Clever Old Man One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond,as he hadn't been there for a while,and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some food.
As he neared the pond,he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him"we are not coming out untill you leave!"
The old man frowned,"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."Holding up the bucket he said," I'm here to feed the alligator." | 1,175 |
The teacher says "Johnny, your word for today is Euphoria. Please use it in a sentence." "Euphoria is what I want to feel when I'm really excited and happy."
"Very good Johnny!"
"Yeah, I used to think I'd be excited and happy to fuck you or one of the other three gorgeous teachers in this school. Now I know I'd rather fuck EUPHORIA" | 1,176 |
[At an autopsy] Doctor 1: You know, I have been practicing my ventriloquism. Doctor 2: Now is definitely not a good time.
Corpse: Aw, come on! | 1,177 |
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem." Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity." | 1,178 |
The government is asking me to list all of my household’s favorite M. Night Shyamalan movies It’s The Sixth Census. | 1,179 |
While the world is fighting the Coronavirus... Georgia is fighting the Pollenesian sneezes.
Little local humor. Pollen count is nearly 6000 today. | 1,180 |
They name a virus after a beer, and what do we do? Whine. | 1,181 |
What's the difference between a well-dressed person on a unicycle or a poorly-dressed person on a bicycle? Attire | 1,182 |
What is your go to never fail joke for parties? I assume that this will become nsfw, but we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it. | 1,183 |
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time? ...it was Luke warm. | 1,184 |
What’s the difference between a Taliban camp and a Pakistani school? I don’t actually know I just fly the drone. | 1,185 |
What did John Cena say while he was doing a charity event at a school for the blind? You can't see me.
~credit:Jacksfilms | 1,186 |
I like my women like I like my pandemics. [nsfw] 19 and spread wide. | 1,188 |
Governor Cuomo of New York has introduced strict social distancing measures All New Yorkers must stand 440 metres apart at all times - in other words, the equivalent of an Empire State building height's worth away from each other. | 1,189 |
Many essential-oil stores have shut down. The state deemed them non essential. | 1,190 |
New Viagra commercial. HEIP I’ve hired a prostitute and I can’t get up. | 1,191 |
RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out. | 1,192 |
My friends stopped coming to our D&D nights due to me always masturbating under the table Guess I'll just play with myself from now on. | 1,193 |
I bet Nobody will get this joke Because nobody sorts by "New" | 1,194 |
First day on the job. Fresh out of journalism school, the rookie journalist bounds up to the editor hungry for a story to go after.
The editor says I'll give you an easy one for your first day. Go out into the community and bring me back a feel good human interest story. We need a bit of cheering up!
The reporter head out into the community and comes across a farmer at the the side of the road mending a fence.
Hello good sir! I'm a reporter looking for a story.
I was wondering if you could tell me a story that made you happy?
Well young man, one time, the farmer down the road lost a sheep. We got a posse, went out, found it, fucked it and brought it back.
What! I can't print that! Your talking bestiality here! The reporter exclaimed!
Do you have any other stories?
Well young man, one time, the farmer down the road lost his wife. We got a posse, went out, found her fu...WAY! WAH! HOLD ON WHAAAT?!! Hold on there if that's going where I think, I definitely can't print that says the reporter.
Exasperated the reporter finally asks, do you have any sad stories by any chance?
The old man stares thoughtfully for a bit and then replies;
One time, I got lost.... | 1,195 |
My gf was mad at me the other day for having no sense of direction So i packed my stuff and right | 1,196 |
What do you call a frenchmen wearing sandals? Phillipe pheloppe | 1,197 |
What do you call a jehova witness from china? Ding dong | 1,198 |
What do you say to a haemophiliac who gets cured? Coagulations! | 1,199 |
Donald Trump is having a meeting with his health advisors about the COVID-19 outbreak... The lead advisor tells him "Mr president, more international people are testing positive in the United States every day. Today alone, 50 Brazilian people have confirmed cases."
"Oh my god, that's awful!", Trump replies, ".....how many is a brazillion?" | 1,200 |
I wondered why the truck was getting bigger and then it hit me | 1,201 |
What did hitler chew? Bubble gum you filthy f*ck | 1,202 |
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