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Helen Keller walked into a bar... And a wall, and a chair, and a table. | 1,303 |
Breaker, Breaker There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley, a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles.
It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, and per u... | 1,304 |
Ethel was visiting her friend Martha at her home for the first time. Ethel exclaimed "You have such a beautiful home, Martha. I especially like those 3 fancy vases on your mantle."
Martha replied "Those aren't vases, they're urns... this one is my first husband Bill, this one is my second husband Jim, and that one is... | 1,305 |
Olympic Gold medalist Picabo Street retired from sports to work in the hospital. A doctor has a patient in need of intensive care and cannot find her. The doctor calls her station and she answers, "Picabo, ICU." | 1,306 |
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed.
The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.”... | 1,307 |
You’ve got a friend and in me I bet gay couples take the term “you’ve got a friend in me” to a whole new level | 1,308 |
I guess I’m a hipster. I’ve been self-isolating for years already! | 1,309 |
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
A drug dealer can’t. | 1,310 |
Weight loss There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50... | 1,311 |
What do straight guys and animal crackers both have in common? They both come in a box! | 1,312 |
This corona virus, eh? Heard about this guy who got mugged the other day.. They didn’t even have a weapon. Just threatened to cough on him. | 1,313 |
There was a young lady. There was a young lady from Yale,
who offered her body for sale.
To be kind to the blind,
she engraved her behind,
with detailed instructions in braille! | 1,314 |
You either die a T. Rex Or live long enough to become a chicken | 1,315 |
Donald Trump tested negative for the Coronavirus He only tested positive for the Chinesevirus | 1,316 |
All tiktoker's should be comedians They should know what unemployment feels like | 1,317 |
When my mom say her girlfriend she's talking about her best friend. When my dad says his girlfriend everyone at the dinner table gets quite and my mom runs off crying. | 1,318 |
I was digging in my garden and i found buried treasure. I thought to go tell my wife but then I remembered why I was digging. | 1,319 |
After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th. A big 10-4, if you will. | 1,320 |
Why can't pilots dress well? Their clothes are too plane | 1,321 |
Trump foresees Covid In 2017 he tweeted "Covfefe" but virus is really named Covid. He almost predicted the future. | 1,322 |
There are two types of people in the world. 1. those who can extrapolate from insufficient information. | 1,323 |
A man with no arms and legs was sun bathing on the beach. A beautiful blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.
“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.
Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.
“Aw look ... | 1,324 |
What did the two blind grandmas say when they meet each other fro the first time in 20 years? Long time no see | 1,325 |
Me playing basketball is like me playing pool I only make shots for the wrong team | 1,326 |
Millenials: OK Boomer COVID: KO Boomer | 1,327 |
Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness Now it's a double aunt tundra | 1,328 |
Donald Trump finally delivers his presidential promise! America First *cough cough* | 1,329 |
A mixed blessing... Many professionals are getting hurt by this quarantine, but at least hookers aren’t getting screwed! | 1,330 |
I have a date with a girl who loves Nirvana. She asked me what to wear on our date next week. I told her, "Come as you are." | 1,331 |
Corona virus It's like pasta.
Made by the Chinese.
Spread by the Italians.
Made unreasonably large by the Americans. | 1,332 |
What is a language that has never been spoken? Sign Language | 1,334 |
What is the difference between a Priest and a pediatrician? One of them has a license to touch kids. | 1,335 |
So there's a new strain of Coronavirus that effects Hipsters... You probably haven't heard of it. | 1,336 |
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right. The statistician shouts, "We got him!" Netflix shouts to the statistician, "Your documentary is coming!" | 1,337 |
So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the... | 1,338 |
Joe Biden met with the Queen of England and politely asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government, are there any tips you can give me?” “Well” the Queen replied “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people”
Biden frowned and asked, “How do I know if the people arou... | 1,339 |
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.
Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.
"Wat... | 1,340 |
What kind of spells could a succubus wizardess cast that would be useful? The DM asked. The player replied "I cast Clap Cheeks on the enemy!" | 1,341 |
Which US president would enjoy Netflix the most? BINGEamin Franklin. | 1,342 |
She wants triplets, I want twins... Unless we go to bed, will never know who wins!! | 1,343 |
Want to hear a good knock knock joke? Too bad, there aren't any. | 1,344 |
Why can’t dislexic people tell jokes? Cause they punch up the fuckline | 1,345 |
What do sprinters eat before a race Nothing they fast | 1,346 |
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job." The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor ... | 1,347 |
Two women are in a saloon Woman 1: "Girl, I have such a headache."
Woman 2: "I'll tell you my secret: whenever I have a bad headache, I let my husband kiss me; first on the forehead, then my lips. He then caresses my shoulders for a couple of minutes... And then we fuck."
Woman 1: "So where is he?" | 1,348 |
What do strippers call girls that they work with ? A co-twerker.. | 1,349 |
With the coronavirus, Scorpion is now saying... "Stay over there!" | 1,350 |
As the new Baptist minister berated the congregation 'Yea be there any among you who commit adultery.' 'May your tongue cleave to da ruf o yo moufh.' | 1,351 |
What is Hermes Conrad’s favourite day? Mon-day. | 1,352 |
Are you a minecraft fence? Because I can’t get over you | 1,353 |
I just got my Huwaei home assistant. I asked it for information on cataracts, and I started getting ads for luxury cars. | 1,354 |
Before a ski race there was an avalanche Before a ski race there was an avalanche and all the skiers have been killed so, the next morning one of the widow's come to identify her dead husband.
They open the first coffin, she shakes her head. They open the second, she shakes her head again. But then they open the thi... | 1,355 |
My wife just got me a card that said “Get Better Soon” I’m not sick at all. She just thinks I need to get better. | 1,356 |
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either. | 1,357 |
1 Wish Each A group of three fatties are hangin' out.
The first one Is very assertive.
The second one is ashamed of his weight.
The third is a comedian.
The group of friends are on their monthly walk together when they stumble on upon a teapot half-buried in the dirt. The assertive one pushes ahead and digs up the... | 1,358 |
The new digital TP alternative is here: ButtCoin In light of the nation wide toilet paper shortages, this crapto-currency is going to take on the world by storm.
We are currently looking for Butt Miners if you're interested.
(No, this isn't really an off topic crypto post, it's a joke) | 1,359 |
Spanish doctor works at my hospital. Never wears PPE, never washes his hands. Just dips his fingers in black ink constantly. It's a bit weird, so I ask him how he stays safe and what the ink is for. He just smiles and says:
"No one infects the Spanish ink physician" | 1,360 |
A man walks into a bar A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete.
He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road." | 1,361 |
A cow ran away from home We had a lot of beef between each other. | 1,362 |
Did you hear about the man whose pants fell down in the virology lab? He exposed himself to the coronavirus. | 1,363 |
Guy goes to a $5 whore... goes back home and he finds out he has crabs. The next day he goes back to complain. She says... What did you expect for $5... Lobster? | 1,364 |
A bug is flying around and get smashed into a car window. What was the last thing to go through his head? His ass. | 1,365 |
Boris Johnson is sending out 30 million letters... I hope he’s not licked the envelopes. | 1,366 |
What did Vlad the Impaler call the Ottomans? A shish kebab. | 1,367 |
Someone toilet papered my house last night Now it’s worth $875,000 | 1,368 |
I went to the doctor for a bad gout attack After assessing the severity of my gout, he reached into his coat pocket to grab pen to write me prescription. Instead of a pen, he had a rectal thermometer in his hand. I laughed and pointed. He said, “Oh dear. Appears some asshole has my pen.” | 1,369 |
A group of cannibals were picking fights at me today. Guess they all wanted a piece of me. | 1,370 |
Two blondes are in a dog park One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"
The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?" | 1,371 |
So Daft Punk is performing in the UK Some heckler shouts from the audience, "you're a bunch of fools".
To which they respond, "Are you calling us daft, punk?". | 1,372 |
Revenge of the blonde A blonde got fed up with blonde jokes
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know... | 1,373 |
What's green on top, mostly orange, and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. | 1,374 |
I’m socially distancing myself from my old computer It’s full of viruses | 1,375 |
A positron walks into a bar And it’s annihilated j | 1,376 |
Houston, we have a problem... If Apple owned the ISS it would spell disaster for other spacecraft that wanted to dock with it. | 1,377 |
A proud father After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of wh... | 1,378 |
I just realized why millennials are so at ease in this pandemic. They weren't going anywhere anyway. | 1,379 |
Just going to stop at 7/11 to pick up some corona And maybe I'll buy a bottle of beer as well. | 1,380 |
Why did the book fly off of the bookcase? Because it is a flying book haha | 1,381 |
Instead of calling them “carriers.” Instead of calling people who go out in groups or otherwise ignore safe procedures around the coronavirus and then become carriers of the virus shouldn’t be called just “carriers”, I think it would be more effective to get them to think about their actions and how now carrying the vi... | 1,382 |
Two best friends make a deal. The one of them who die first will visit the second one to tell him about the afterworld. And one day a few years later friend 1 died.
When friend 2 found out, he stayed up late every following night, remembering the promise. And finally on the midnight of the third night a weak voice is ... | 1,383 |
Fuckers canceled Passover. Plague or something. | 1,384 |
if you know a kid age 14-18 in an extracurricular mountaineering club tell them they should call it "Peaked In High School" | 1,385 |
The boss caught an employee drinking at work. He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".
They both laughed a lot, and he got fired. | 1,386 |
Being Muslim is tough Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage... | 1,387 |
She was a two paper bag girl. One for her head and one for your head in case her one fell off. | 1,388 |
I’ve been eating poorly since the beginning of quarantine... You could say I’m going to gain the Covid 19 | 1,389 |
Six chemists walk into a bar “What’ll it be?” asks the bartender.
“I’ll just have a water,” says the first chemist.
“You know, make mine a water, too,” says the second.
“As for myself,” says the third chemist, “I’ll have a glass of hydrogen hydroxide.”
“Ooh,” says the fourth chemist, “I’ll have a hydrogen hydroxide... | 1,390 |
I think there's a shark after me. What makes you say that, chum? | 1,391 |
Whats red and invisible? Tomato behind a corner | 1,392 |
My friend was taking a test when suddenly a shooter came and killed him. The teacher said,”sadly, he has passed.” I said,”well thats great news, he passed!!” | 1,393 |
How does a coffee rimshot sound Bodum tss! | 1,394 |
Donald Trump is having afternoon tea with the Queen of England. “Queenie” he says “from now on, I want to be called Emperor Donald J Trump.”
“Well, you can’t be an emperor Donald, I’m sorry” replies the Queen
“Well, there was this French guy - Napoleon - great guy, I think my Uncle knew him, very smart, and he was an... | 1,395 |
What is a major ramification of social distancing? Homeless people will have a harder time panhandling for money. | 1,396 |
Why does the mineature jalepeño need to wear a sweater? Because it's a little chilly. | 1,397 |
Trump quickly steps outside the ski lodge for a leak Donald Trump travels to Aspen with the whole cabinet for a ski break and one evening, after having a few beers, he decides to step outside for some fresh air and a leak. As he is relieving himself, the clouds open up, and in the white moonlight, clear as day, Trump c... | 1,398 |
Breaking self-isolation is against my religion. It's right there in the Ten Commandments: "Thou shalt not Covid". | 1,399 |
What do you call a Soviet coronavirus? TSARS Covid-19. | 1,400 |
Why don’t the Chinese play cricket? >!Because they would eat the bat!< | 1,401 |
Jim opens a new Tattoo Place in a town and all the people of the town rush to see it. They are all excited to get tattoos..on their arms, hands, neck.. some even on their backs.
Jim, being a nice guy like he always is, offers a discount of 50% on the fees thinking they all might agree to get more.
Everyone happily g... | 1,402 |
Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off. | 1,403 |
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