text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
|---|---|
Helen Keller walked into a bar... And a wall, and a chair, and a table. | 1,303 |
Breaker, Breaker There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley, a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles.
It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, and per usual Spencer and Sprinkles were in her way. After countless times of foot prints on her perfectly clean floors, Shirley broke down and sent Spencer and Sprinkles outside to occupy themselves.
It was about forty-five minuets later, and Shirley was dusting the blinds. As she's dusting she's sees Spencer and Sprinkles sitting on the curb in front of the house. She thought 'How cute'. As she watched, she saw Spencer throw some M&M's in the air catch them in his mouth, pick up Sprinkles lift Sprinkles tail up, and lick, He then proceeded to scoot one foot down the curb. Shirley couldn't believe what she saw.. She proceeded to watch him do it again; throw the M&M's up, catch them in his mouth, pick the cat up, lift its tail, lick, and scoot down the curb a foot.
Shirley being very appalled ran outside. She asked Spencer with a tone only a confused mother could have " What in the holy hell are you doing?!?!"
Spencer replied "Well, Mama Im playing trucker. Poppin Pills, licking pussy, and moving down the road". | 1,304 |
Ethel was visiting her friend Martha at her home for the first time. Ethel exclaimed "You have such a beautiful home, Martha. I especially like those 3 fancy vases on your mantle."
Martha replied "Those aren't vases, they're urns... this one is my first husband Bill, this one is my second husband Jim, and that one is my third husband Ted"
Ethel replied with a very whiny voice, "Uh, that's so unfair. I've never been married and you have husbands to burn!". | 1,305 |
Olympic Gold medalist Picabo Street retired from sports to work in the hospital. A doctor has a patient in need of intensive care and cannot find her. The doctor calls her station and she answers, "Picabo, ICU." | 1,306 |
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed.
The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.”
The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.” | 1,307 |
You’ve got a friend and in me I bet gay couples take the term “you’ve got a friend in me” to a whole new level | 1,308 |
I guess I’m a hipster. I’ve been self-isolating for years already! | 1,309 |
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
A drug dealer can’t. | 1,310 |
Weight loss There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter. A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you." | 1,311 |
What do straight guys and animal crackers both have in common? They both come in a box! | 1,312 |
This corona virus, eh? Heard about this guy who got mugged the other day.. They didn’t even have a weapon. Just threatened to cough on him. | 1,313 |
There was a young lady. There was a young lady from Yale,
who offered her body for sale.
To be kind to the blind,
she engraved her behind,
with detailed instructions in braille! | 1,314 |
You either die a T. Rex Or live long enough to become a chicken | 1,315 |
Donald Trump tested negative for the Coronavirus He only tested positive for the Chinesevirus | 1,316 |
All tiktoker's should be comedians They should know what unemployment feels like | 1,317 |
When my mom say her girlfriend she's talking about her best friend. When my dad says his girlfriend everyone at the dinner table gets quite and my mom runs off crying. | 1,318 |
I was digging in my garden and i found buried treasure. I thought to go tell my wife but then I remembered why I was digging. | 1,319 |
After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th. A big 10-4, if you will. | 1,320 |
Why can't pilots dress well? Their clothes are too plane | 1,321 |
Trump foresees Covid In 2017 he tweeted "Covfefe" but virus is really named Covid. He almost predicted the future. | 1,322 |
There are two types of people in the world. 1. those who can extrapolate from insufficient information. | 1,323 |
A man with no arms and legs was sun bathing on the beach. A beautiful blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.
“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.
Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.
“Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?”
“No.” He says.
She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss.
Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past.
“Oh you poor thing...Have you ever been fucked?”
“No.”
“Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.” | 1,324 |
What did the two blind grandmas say when they meet each other fro the first time in 20 years? Long time no see | 1,325 |
Me playing basketball is like me playing pool I only make shots for the wrong team | 1,326 |
Millenials: OK Boomer COVID: KO Boomer | 1,327 |
Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness Now it's a double aunt tundra | 1,328 |
Donald Trump finally delivers his presidential promise! America First *cough cough* | 1,329 |
A mixed blessing... Many professionals are getting hurt by this quarantine, but at least hookers aren’t getting screwed! | 1,330 |
I have a date with a girl who loves Nirvana. She asked me what to wear on our date next week. I told her, "Come as you are." | 1,331 |
Corona virus It's like pasta.
Made by the Chinese.
Spread by the Italians.
Made unreasonably large by the Americans. | 1,332 |
What is a language that has never been spoken? Sign Language | 1,334 |
What is the difference between a Priest and a pediatrician? One of them has a license to touch kids. | 1,335 |
So there's a new strain of Coronavirus that effects Hipsters... You probably haven't heard of it. | 1,336 |
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right. The statistician shouts, "We got him!" Netflix shouts to the statistician, "Your documentary is coming!" | 1,337 |
So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?" | 1,338 |
Joe Biden met with the Queen of England and politely asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government, are there any tips you can give me?” “Well” the Queen replied “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people”
Biden frowned and asked, “How do I know if the people around me are truly intelligent?”
The Queen laughed and told him “Oh that’s easy; just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle!”
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom and said “Please send Boris Johnson I’m here.” I
The Prime Minister walked in and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”
The Queen replied, “Answer me this. Your mother and father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it”
Without any hesitation, he answered “It would be me”
The Queen turned to Joe and said “See, you must surround yourself with people like that”
Joe flew back to America wanting to ask the people he surrounded himself that question.
He gets home and says to his wife, “Hey honey, I have a question for you”
She asks “What is it?”
He replies “I forgot” | 1,339 |
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.
Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.
"Watson... as you look up into the night sky, what do you deduce?"
Watson rubs his bleary eyes, unsure what to make of Sherlocks sudden midnight curiosity. He rolls over and stares up into the sky, which was lit up with a million stars like diamonds on black velvet.
Watson responds. "Well Holmes, as I stare into the cosmos, I can see that we are on a spinning ball in an infathomable expanse of nothing. The vast emptiness of space and scale of the universe leaves me feeling incredibly tiny, and therefore I deduce that our lives are small and insignificant in the greater scheme of things."
Holmes ponders this deep and insightful response for a moment. Rarely is Watson so articulate with his feelings.
He turns to Watson, and with a sigh, he says.
"Watson you blithering idiot.... Somebody has stolen our tent" | 1,340 |
What kind of spells could a succubus wizardess cast that would be useful? The DM asked. The player replied "I cast Clap Cheeks on the enemy!" | 1,341 |
Which US president would enjoy Netflix the most? BINGEamin Franklin. | 1,342 |
She wants triplets, I want twins... Unless we go to bed, will never know who wins!! | 1,343 |
Want to hear a good knock knock joke? Too bad, there aren't any. | 1,344 |
Why can’t dislexic people tell jokes? Cause they punch up the fuckline | 1,345 |
What do sprinters eat before a race Nothing they fast | 1,346 |
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job." The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!" | 1,347 |
Two women are in a saloon Woman 1: "Girl, I have such a headache."
Woman 2: "I'll tell you my secret: whenever I have a bad headache, I let my husband kiss me; first on the forehead, then my lips. He then caresses my shoulders for a couple of minutes... And then we fuck."
Woman 1: "So where is he?" | 1,348 |
What do strippers call girls that they work with ? A co-twerker.. | 1,349 |
With the coronavirus, Scorpion is now saying... "Stay over there!" | 1,350 |
As the new Baptist minister berated the congregation 'Yea be there any among you who commit adultery.' 'May your tongue cleave to da ruf o yo moufh.' | 1,351 |
What is Hermes Conrad’s favourite day? Mon-day. | 1,352 |
Are you a minecraft fence? Because I can’t get over you | 1,353 |
I just got my Huwaei home assistant. I asked it for information on cataracts, and I started getting ads for luxury cars. | 1,354 |
Before a ski race there was an avalanche Before a ski race there was an avalanche and all the skiers have been killed so, the next morning one of the widow's come to identify her dead husband.
They open the first coffin, she shakes her head. They open the second, she shakes her head again. But then they open the third coffin and she nods, "That's him, thank god, at least he came in third". | 1,355 |
My wife just got me a card that said “Get Better Soon” I’m not sick at all. She just thinks I need to get better. | 1,356 |
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either. | 1,357 |
1 Wish Each A group of three fatties are hangin' out.
The first one Is very assertive.
The second one is ashamed of his weight.
The third is a comedian.
The group of friends are on their monthly walk together when they stumble on upon a teapot half-buried in the dirt. The assertive one pushes ahead and digs up the teapot and out pops a magical genie.
"You have one wish each for freeing me from my eternal prison," said the magical genie.
The friend ashamed of his weight was quick to make his wish. "I wish to be slim and fit."
"Your wish has been granted." The magical genie waved his hands and the wish was granted. The guy ashamed of his weight was now slim and fit.
The comedian is dying with laughter.
The assertive one, bewildered at the comedians amusement went next. "I wish to be slim and fit like that guy."
"Your wish is granted," again the genie waved his hands and the assertive man was slim and fit.
The comedian is rolling around on the ground face red of laughter. The two others waited impatiently, for the comedian to make his wish, pestering him to hurry up.
The comedian, still wheezing hysterically, said in a high pitched voice, "I wish... I wish that my friends are transformed fatter than they were before they made their wishes!" | 1,358 |
The new digital TP alternative is here: ButtCoin In light of the nation wide toilet paper shortages, this crapto-currency is going to take on the world by storm.
We are currently looking for Butt Miners if you're interested.
(No, this isn't really an off topic crypto post, it's a joke) | 1,359 |
Spanish doctor works at my hospital. Never wears PPE, never washes his hands. Just dips his fingers in black ink constantly. It's a bit weird, so I ask him how he stays safe and what the ink is for. He just smiles and says:
"No one infects the Spanish ink physician" | 1,360 |
A man walks into a bar A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete.
He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road." | 1,361 |
A cow ran away from home We had a lot of beef between each other. | 1,362 |
Did you hear about the man whose pants fell down in the virology lab? He exposed himself to the coronavirus. | 1,363 |
Guy goes to a $5 whore... goes back home and he finds out he has crabs. The next day he goes back to complain. She says... What did you expect for $5... Lobster? | 1,364 |
A bug is flying around and get smashed into a car window. What was the last thing to go through his head? His ass. | 1,365 |
Boris Johnson is sending out 30 million letters... I hope he’s not licked the envelopes. | 1,366 |
What did Vlad the Impaler call the Ottomans? A shish kebab. | 1,367 |
Someone toilet papered my house last night Now it’s worth $875,000 | 1,368 |
I went to the doctor for a bad gout attack After assessing the severity of my gout, he reached into his coat pocket to grab pen to write me prescription. Instead of a pen, he had a rectal thermometer in his hand. I laughed and pointed. He said, “Oh dear. Appears some asshole has my pen.” | 1,369 |
A group of cannibals were picking fights at me today. Guess they all wanted a piece of me. | 1,370 |
Two blondes are in a dog park One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"
The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?" | 1,371 |
So Daft Punk is performing in the UK Some heckler shouts from the audience, "you're a bunch of fools".
To which they respond, "Are you calling us daft, punk?". | 1,372 |
Revenge of the blonde A blonde got fed up with blonde jokes
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered. | 1,373 |
What's green on top, mostly orange, and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. | 1,374 |
I’m socially distancing myself from my old computer It’s full of viruses | 1,375 |
A positron walks into a bar And it’s annihilated j | 1,376 |
Houston, we have a problem... If Apple owned the ISS it would spell disaster for other spacecraft that wanted to dock with it. | 1,377 |
A proud father After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts | 1,378 |
I just realized why millennials are so at ease in this pandemic. They weren't going anywhere anyway. | 1,379 |
Just going to stop at 7/11 to pick up some corona And maybe I'll buy a bottle of beer as well. | 1,380 |
Why did the book fly off of the bookcase? Because it is a flying book haha | 1,381 |
Instead of calling them “carriers.” Instead of calling people who go out in groups or otherwise ignore safe procedures around the coronavirus and then become carriers of the virus shouldn’t be called just “carriers”, I think it would be more effective to get them to think about their actions and how now carrying the virus can spread it to grandma, so instead they should be called “spreaders”, but then people would confuse them with your mom. | 1,382 |
Two best friends make a deal. The one of them who die first will visit the second one to tell him about the afterworld. And one day a few years later friend 1 died.
When friend 2 found out, he stayed up late every following night, remembering the promise. And finally on the midnight of the third night a weak voice is heard.
"Bro, do you hear me?"
"Yes, I hear you." answer the man. "Are you in the afterlife? How is it like?"
"It's not bad. We start the day with light breakfast - vegetables. Then I have sex several hours straight. After this it comes a little lunch - veggies again, and then sex until the nightfall."
"And this is Heaven, or Hell?"
"Bro, I'm a rabbit!" | 1,383 |
Fuckers canceled Passover. Plague or something. | 1,384 |
if you know a kid age 14-18 in an extracurricular mountaineering club tell them they should call it "Peaked In High School" | 1,385 |
The boss caught an employee drinking at work. He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".
They both laughed a lot, and he got fired. | 1,386 |
Being Muslim is tough Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae. | 1,387 |
She was a two paper bag girl. One for her head and one for your head in case her one fell off. | 1,388 |
I’ve been eating poorly since the beginning of quarantine... You could say I’m going to gain the Covid 19 | 1,389 |
Six chemists walk into a bar “What’ll it be?” asks the bartender.
“I’ll just have a water,” says the first chemist.
“You know, make mine a water, too,” says the second.
“As for myself,” says the third chemist, “I’ll have a glass of hydrogen hydroxide.”
“Ooh,” says the fourth chemist, “I’ll have a hydrogen hydroxide, too.”
The fifth chemist says, “I’m in the mood for just a simple glass of H2O.”
The sixth chemist says, “I think I’ll have an H2O, too.”
“Coming right up,” says the bartender. He returns a few minutes later with five glasses of water and a bottle of hair bleach. | 1,390 |
I think there's a shark after me. What makes you say that, chum? | 1,391 |
Whats red and invisible? Tomato behind a corner | 1,392 |
My friend was taking a test when suddenly a shooter came and killed him. The teacher said,”sadly, he has passed.” I said,”well thats great news, he passed!!” | 1,393 |
How does a coffee rimshot sound Bodum tss! | 1,394 |
Donald Trump is having afternoon tea with the Queen of England. “Queenie” he says “from now on, I want to be called Emperor Donald J Trump.”
“Well, you can’t be an emperor Donald, I’m sorry” replies the Queen
“Well, there was this French guy - Napoleon - great guy, I think my Uncle knew him, very smart, and he was an emperor” replies the Don
The Queen has a sip of tea to suppress a giggle, before saying “Well that’s because he ruled an Empire”
“Ok, so he was an Emperor because he had an Empire?” Don asks slowly
“Yes”
“Ok, well I don’t have an empire yet...” replies Donald “so how about I am called a King?”
“Well Donald, you don’t have a Kingdom, so I can’t call you a King..”
At this point the Don is getting frustrated. “Queenie, this is ridiculous, if I don’t have an empire, and can’t be an emperor, and I don’t have a kingdom, and can’t be called a king, then what can I be called?”
The Queen pauses for a moment, take a look at Philip and then replies “Well, Donald, you are in charge of a country...” | 1,395 |
What is a major ramification of social distancing? Homeless people will have a harder time panhandling for money. | 1,396 |
Why does the mineature jalepeño need to wear a sweater? Because it's a little chilly. | 1,397 |
Trump quickly steps outside the ski lodge for a leak Donald Trump travels to Aspen with the whole cabinet for a ski break and one evening, after having a few beers, he decides to step outside for some fresh air and a leak. As he is relieving himself, the clouds open up, and in the white moonlight, clear as day, Trump can see yellow writing in the snow:
"FUCK TRUMP!
Trump blows a gasket, stomps inside, goes in a blind tirade : WHO WAS IT? WHO PEED "FUCK TRUMP!" IN THE SNOW! NOBODY LEAVES UNTIL I KNOW!
... Crickets ...
"Fine, I'll find out and there will be hell to pay" Trump orders the secret service to take a sample from the yellow snow and a DNA sample from everyone inside. Next day, the head of Secret Service is summoned.
"And?"asks Trump"where are the results".
Head of Secret Service: "The investigation is concluded, but you may not want to know the result".
Trump: "I want to know
Secret Service: "we analysed the urine sample, and the result is a 100% match with Mike Pence"
Trump: "That backstabbing, cheating, no good SOB! I'll have him fired by tonight!"
Secret Service: "there's more
Trump: "whatdoyoumean there's more?
Secret Service "it came back as a 100% match: It's Betsy DeVos' handwriting" | 1,398 |
Breaking self-isolation is against my religion. It's right there in the Ten Commandments: "Thou shalt not Covid". | 1,399 |
What do you call a Soviet coronavirus? TSARS Covid-19. | 1,400 |
Why don’t the Chinese play cricket? >!Because they would eat the bat!< | 1,401 |
Jim opens a new Tattoo Place in a town and all the people of the town rush to see it. They are all excited to get tattoos..on their arms, hands, neck.. some even on their backs.
Jim, being a nice guy like he always is, offers a discount of 50% on the fees thinking they all might agree to get more.
Everyone happily gets more than one tatto. Jim makes a hefty profit by the end of his first day.
The word spreads around quickly and people in nearby towns and villages also come to Jim's place for tattoos. Many of them get weird tattoos on their foreheads, fingers, cheeks, ankles, shoulders too as it was 'Jim's Temporary Tattoo Place'.
After 3 weeks, they all return to get them removed now that they are not funny anymore or because the jokes got old.
They are shocked to find the place empty! They go to the sheriff and complain about it.
The sheriff bursts into laughter. When the people ask what seems so funny to him, he says, 'Jim fooled you all! It was a temporary place'!!! | 1,402 |
Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off. | 1,403 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.