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My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy I just don't see it myself | 1,404 |
Somebody gave drills to a bunch of monkeys, and now the local military has to practice defending people from them. This is called... ... mandrill drill drill. | 1,405 |
You know how the druid war against the forest ended? They signed a tree-ty. | 1,406 |
Has anyone watched “The Platform” on netflix....? I couldn’t finish it to be honest, it was disturbing on so many levels. | 1,407 |
Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night? Because she's an on-call-ogist | 1,408 |
Day (8) of Isolation. I can't find my reading glasses, so opening food tins has now become a bit of a Lottery. Today's lunch was Custard on Toast. | 1,409 |
What did Keir Dullea say after he was diagnosed with coronavirus? My god, I'm full of SARS. | 1,410 |
Why did the billionaire have his dead body burned on a pyre then sealed in a giant vacuum bag? So that in 1,000 years when they opened him up he'd still be crispy | 1,411 |
I put my hand in his thigh while I'm driving The examiner: *What the fuck are you doing* | 1,412 |
A policeman arrests a well dressed man in a suit and tie, walking down the Main Street of the city talking on his cell. The man has a desk strapped to his back, complete with laptop, printer and filing cabinet. He has a dustbin on his head.
“Hold on councillor, I have a policeman trying to arrest me, and I haven’t got a clue why.” He turns and asks “What are the charges?”
“Impersonating an office, Sir” | 1,413 |
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters. Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much. | 1,414 |
Why can’t a blind Mexican say yes? Because he can’t sí. | 1,415 |
The cops just fined me $1000 when they found a bunch of pot plants in my greenhouse. I guess they were right. People in glass houses shouldn’t get stoned. | 1,416 |
What do Swedish people do when they’re tired? They byawn | 1,417 |
So I walked past a wired fence today Somebody from behind shouted: "Be careful, it might be electrified! If you touch it, you will get the shock of a lifetime!"
I looked the person dead in the eye and without hesitation, I grabbed the fence to prove them wrong
My mother, who was walking next me then told me I was adopted | 1,418 |
What's the least spoken language? Sign language. | 1,419 |
Wife and husband talk about life if she died A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving," he says, "I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I guess so."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand-new. It's going to last a long time. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed." | 1,420 |
I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now | 1,421 |
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night. "Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?" | 1,422 |
You like poop puns?? Their all shitty jokes. | 1,423 |
What do you call a hard working fish? Hyper efishient | 1,424 |
At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing with herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy.
When he became tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!" | 1,425 |
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes. | 1,426 |
A man contracted a rare STD... He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.
He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."
After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have it removed."
"What? I can't just let it be chopped off like that!" Unsatisfied with the doctor's response, the man left the hospital.
Later that week, the man decided to go to a traditional doctor who specialized in natural and herbal remedies. Hopefully they had some better solutions.
The man took off his pants once again. The traditional doctor smiled and said, "Don't worry, you don't need to have it cut off. Hospitals just want to perform surgery every chance they get. Let me give you a prescription for some herbal medicine."
The man let out a big sign of relief. The doctor continued, "Apply these herbs to your nether regions 3 times a day for a week. It should fall off on its own." | 1,427 |
A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
"That smells like shit."
The lady replied:
"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please." | 1,428 |
Why do women have bad shoulders? Purses | 1,429 |
The Dalaï Lama walks into a pizza shop “Can you make me one with everything?” | 1,430 |
I got COVID-19 and it took 10 days for my immune system to finally fight it off. Longest anything made in China's lasted for me. | 1,431 |
COVID-19'S LATEST VICTIM: Post Malone He had to cancel all his concerts and live tours.
For now he is postpone Malone. | 1,433 |
Two Blind man A blind man stays with another friend, also blind, to have a coffee. After a while, the first one takes out a piece of sandpaper, passes it to the other and says: "Look, James, what I found on the street today." The other one touches the paper a little and answers: "But who has written such nonsense?" | 1,434 |
I would tell you a Coronavirus joke But it would take 2 weeks to find out if you get it. | 1,435 |
Did you hear Lightning McQueen died? He had a Cadillac arrest. | 1,436 |
calling the deli during quarantine honey call the deli to see what we can make tonight.
ok! hi, is this the deli?
yes, albertsons deli what can we do for you?
do you have any black forest ham?
no, I'm sorry we're all out of black forest ham.
hmm. do you have any spicy flank chuck?
yeah, we have that. it's $8.99/lb
hmm. that's a bit expensive.
hey, do you have any salmon?
no, sorry we're all out of salmon.
how about hermit crab?
yes, but only a very small amount. | 1,437 |
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers | 1,438 |
My sister had really loud shoes that sounded like a horse, so some family members started calling her that. I could see this was upsetting her. "Guys, we have have to settle this," I said.
"If you think Jessica's a normal girl, say 'Aye,' but if you don't, say 'Neigh.'" | 1,439 |
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis was completely out of the purple. | 1,440 |
Deep at the bottom of the darkest trench off the ocean lives the most feared sea monster to ever exist. The Kraken, Urbutt. | 1,441 |
If all the food runs out we always have each other. ~Hannibal Lecter (Probably) | 1,442 |
Two lesbian vampires have sex. After the deed, one was leaving and said 'see you next month'. | 1,443 |
what's a pirate's favorite country? ARRRRgentina | 1,444 |
plot twist a little girl was praying when her dad walked in. she said “good night grandma good night mom good night dad good bye grandpa”. the next day the grandpa drops dead. the dad decides to ignore what she says last night and continues on with his day. that night the dad walks in his daughters room praying again. she says “good night mom, good night dad, goodbye grandma”. the next day the grandma drops dead. the dad starts to get a little freaked and at night he hears his daughter praying again. she says “good night mom, good bye dad”. the dad I completely freaked out so when he goes to work that day he stays in his office. he is afraid of going home so he stays until closing. he comes home and his wife opens the door. she says “where have you been?” he says “I’ve had a rough day.” the wife says, “you’ve had a rough day? first of all in the morning the mailman drops dead in front of me.” | 1,445 |
Fun-eral There were three men at a buddy's funeral. They were discussing what they wanted people to say when they died. The first man said, "I want people to say he was a very generous man. What about you". The second man said, "I want people to say he was a kind and loving soul". Then, the third man said, "I want people to say 'Hey look, he's moving!'". | 1,446 |
Girl asked if I was big down there. I said that it’s not big or small, it’s a medium… It can talk to ghosts. | 1,447 |
I used to tap dance.... Until I fell into the sink | 1,448 |
Predictions of the relationship fallout of quarantine: In one month divorce rates will spike.
In 9 months birth rates will spike.
In 13 years and nine months we will have quaranteens. | 1,449 |
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus I don't have the coronavirus | 1,450 |
Santa Claus has tested positive. So sorry kids. But hello PS5! | 1,451 |
What does a girl from Kentucky and a dog have in common? They both lick their pa(w)!! | 1,452 |
Another Golfing Woman Joke A comely young blonde decided that she wanted to learn how to golf. So she goes to the pro shop at a course near her home, and signs up for lessons.
Well, she's a natural at it, so after a couple of weeks of instruction, the pro suggests she go out and play 9 holes.
Early the next morning, she's ready for a 7:00 tee time. She tees up the ball and drives it 155 yards right down the fairway.
As she's walking to her lie, however, she gets stung by a bee, and her approach shot to the green is affected by the pain.
She shoots one over par on the hole, but before she tees up on the second hole, the pain from the bee sting is too much for her, and she heads back to the clubhouse.
The pro sees her coming, and runs out, wondering what's wrong. She tells him about the bee sting, and he asks where it happened.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.
The pro nodded sagely and said "I see your problem. Your stance is too wide". | 1,453 |
"I'm going for a light lunch," says my coworker as she heads towards the breakroom. I look up, puzzled, and respond, "You can photosynthesize?!" | 1,454 |
I know it’s important to be optimistic in times like these... ...but I wouldn’t want to be positive when getting the results of a Coronavirus test. | 1,455 |
Dudes that are 240lbs tryna start a rap career Like bro your shirt made XXL before you did | 1,456 |
A German, a French and a Pole go to a bar. $ 2000 fine. | 1,457 |
I'm starting to run low on toilet paper good thing its two sided | 1,458 |
My girlfriend was just like a spicy burrito. It hurt when she left me | 1,459 |
What did the mistress say to entice the termite? "Want to get some wood?" | 1,460 |
Toddlers use crayons to write on walls, teenagers scribble with spray paint, young adults tag friends facebook walls, and... ... cynical adults leave curmudgeon commentary on other social medias !!! | 1,461 |
The story of an a blind alcaholic A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a stool... | 1,462 |
What do you think of a cheese grating company.. selling cheese graters, and one of their ads would a cook in the kitchen grating cheese, with the caption: Make America Grate again. | 1,463 |
Why did Jesus moan? Because he was nailed. | 1,464 |
Corona antidote found finally Anti-Vaxxers, please keep in line! | 1,465 |
Since we have to stay home, I’m setting up my pavilion and projector outside tonight. Watching Pulp Fiction, followed by the Kill Bill movies. It’s a Tent & Quarantino marathon. | 1,466 |
How do you start a rave in space? You have to planet.. | 1,467 |
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? Because his wife is dead. | 1,468 |
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish... The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"
Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!"
POOF
She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?"
Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!"
POOF
Away she went!
The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?"
With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?"
The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!"
And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.
Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week." | 1,469 |
why did the battery get a light sentence for murder he was a criminal battery | 1,470 |
I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple, but it was just a pigment of my imagination. | 1,471 |
Early 90's Video gamer Sonic on mega drive was my first lover....
I would always give it a 'blow' before i started 'playing with it' and only then would i get any pleasure myself. We would go for hours as i knew 'which buttons to press' and i would press them 'in all the right places'. I must admit, it would end up getting really 'hard for me'. The only thing left i needed to do was 'beat it'.
After a while i realised i just couldn't 'finish' and inevitably i ended up 'cheating' to get the job done. It all came to an end when i 'dumped it' for a 'better model', Sonic 2, which would also allow a friend to join in the fun. | 1,472 |
I got kicked out of math class. Apparently, "rinsing your mouth" is the wrong answer to "what comes after 69?" | 1,473 |
Catheters are real pranksters... They're always taking the piss. | 1,474 |
My son got suspended for defending himself against a bully So I went to the school to see why that happened...
“It’s against our policy to hit other students.” Says the principal.
“So you’re telling me that anyone in your school who feels threaten in a situation shouldn’t even fight back?” I say
“Yes”
So I did what any rational adult would do and smacked her. | 1,475 |
Losing 1v1 against my son was tough but, “I fucked your mother!” | 1,476 |
What did communists use before candles? Electricity | 1,477 |
Columbus took the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria to the New World... ...they’re also the most popular names for Dominican hookers in the Bronx. | 1,478 |
Can you guys explain this joke that Siri told me to me? "I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard, but it turns out it's all under control."
I don't get it. Please help.
**update:** Thanks guys! | 1,479 |
What’s do you call a flea market after a rainstorm? A wet market | 1,480 |
How many Chinese does it take to change a lightbulb? Chinese government: “none”. | 1,481 |
A kindergarten teacher was playing a game with her class The game involved little hard candies, handing one of each flavor to every student. She told her students to eat the red ones first, then guess what it tastes like. They all ate the red one and after a few minutes they guessed it tasted like Strawberries, they were correct. Next the teacher had them eat the orange one with the hint
"the answer is in the name."
They ate and guessed it tasted like orange. The green one was tricky, but they were able to guess it was lime. Then the teacher had them eat the clear white ones, these were honey flavored, but the children couldn't tell what it was.
"I'll give you another hint." She told the class. "Sometimes your parents call each other this."
Not a moment later, little Sally had a look of shock and spit hers out in fear.
"Why did you spit yours out Sally?" The teacher asked.
Sally on the verge of tears said loudly to the class. "Because they're assholes!" | 1,482 |
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision | 1,483 |
I just watched Hugh Jackman... Hugh need to turn your webcam off, man. | 1,484 |
In a city unaffected by Covid-19, a japanese, a nigerian and an arabian decided to tell people to stay in quarantine The japanese went first and told politely to the passers-by to going home, to their safety and don't get sick. It didn't work.
The nigerian came right after and shouted "hey I know a way you guys can make a lot of money!". But it also didn't work.
They are about to give up and called the arabian, so he said "ok I'm gonna help you". When was all set up, the arabian turned around and said:
"Wait where are my dynamites?" | 1,485 |
I don't vaccinate my kids and they live to more than 80... That's a lot of days. | 1,486 |
The Three Rabbit Brothers Once upon a time there were three rabbit brothers named Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot.
One day Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot were out in the meadow eating grass. Well Foot ended up eating some bad grass, so Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot took Foot to the hospital. The doctor said "I don't think that Foot is going to make it." That night Foot died.
After the funeral the next day Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot were out in the meadow eating grass. Well Foot Foot ended up eating some bad grass, so Foot Foot Foot took Foot Foot to the hospital. The doctor said "I don't think that Foot Foot is going to make it."
Foot Foot Foot said "I hope he does, because I already got one Foot in the grave." | 1,487 |
Open your mouth and say Ah A beautiful young lady and her old mother went to the doctor.
As they came in to the doctor’s office, he looked at the young lady and said: “Please get undressed and lay down on the bench over there, and we will soon know what is wrong with you”
Her mother said: “No sir, it’s not her, it’s me who is ill. She just took me here.”
The doctor looked over to the old lady and replied: “All right then, please open your mouth and say Ah” | 1,488 |
I use my grandmother's stair lift after every workout because I've been told that's the secret to big muscles, it hasn't really been working, I guess stair rides aren't the answer. | 1,489 |
Horse, walks into a pub.. Bartendender says.."Why the long face?" | 1,490 |
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop "Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk. | 1,491 |
A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate... "It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!"
But then, many people suddenly start yelling at the animals:
"You need to be dealing with the coronavirus crisis Trump, Putin and Jinping!" | 1,492 |
A vegan activist walks into a bar. I only knew he was a vegan activist because he told everyone within two minutes. | 1,493 |
i made a video about the pandemic But i am afraid to release it because it might go viral. | 1,494 |
Every Time You Barge in on Someone in the Bathroom Every time you barge in on someone in the bathroom, you subconsciously (or consciously) decide not to contest for the toilet. | 1,495 |
What's the square root of 69? 8 something. | 1,496 |
Two scientists discover Tungsten Dioxide. One of them says, "OWO, what's this?"
>!The chemical symbol for Tungsten is W!< | 1,497 |
Dark humor is like food Not everyone gets it. | 1,498 |
Why should you spell his name karl marx? He's opposed to capitalization | 1,499 |
My ex and I had a safe word So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe. | 1,500 |
Two friends walk into a bar The bartender greets them with a smile and a “What’ll it be boys?”
Friend one speaks up “You know what? I’m not sure. Got anything special?”
The bartender smiles and tosses him an apple.
“What the hell is this?” He cries.
“Just trust me,” says the bartender with a wink.
After a deep sigh and a quick glance to his buddy, he takes a deep bit from the apple. “Oh my god! Its vodka!” The man exclaims.
The bartender says, ”Now turn it around and bite the other side”
The man excitedly turns the apple and chomps on the other end. “This is amazing! Is that Sprite?”
Friend 2 jumps in, “ No way man, let me try one” Bartender tosses him an apple, the man quickly takes bites from both sides and chews them together “Oh wow, it’s rum and coke!”
Just then a third man sits down at the bar and watches them quizzically. “Where’d y’all get them apples from?”
Friend 1 speaks up, “Hey man you gotta try this,” he points at the bartender, “this guy has apples in any flavor liquor you want!”
Bartender nods and says, “ I have any flavor you want, not just liquor. Skittles, oranges, carrot...” he mumbles while rummaging under the counter.
The third man speaks up, “You got one that tastes like pussy?”
All 4 men exchange glances. “Uhhhh...actually yeah I do” says the bartender, who dutifully digs around the shelves, produces an apple and tosses it to the man.
The man takes a large bite and quickly spits it out, “Oh my god! Thats awful! It tastes like shit!”
Bartender says, “Oh. Turn it around.” | 1,501 |
What do you call Chinese rap? Crap | 1,502 |
My wife really likes to please All day it’s “please do this”, “please do that”. | 1,503 |
An Irish man frees a genie from a bottle The genie pops out and exclaims “3 wishes! Whatever you want I shall grant!”
The Irish man amazed at first says “I wish I had giant mug of beer!”
“Granted!” Says the genie and poof, the beer appears in front of the Irish man.
The Irish mans says “And I wish it would never run out of beer!”
“Granted!” Says the genie, and sure enough the Irish man starts chugging the beer and as soon as he puts it down it refills.
The genie then asks “And what about your third wish?”
The Irish man stops and thinks for a min and finally says “I’ll take another one of these!” | 1,504 |
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