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In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine wi... | 1,505 |
I want my rapper name to be 'Delayed Rambo'... so that one day i can perform with A$AP Rocky. | 1,506 |
What do upholstery and Ex-Lax have in common? They can both soften your stool. | 1,507 |
Let us all take a moment and remember those good old days. When stepping outside the home wasn't considered a criminal offence. | 1,508 |
I walked into a bar and ordered a Corona. The bartender sneezed in my face and charged me $5.75 plus tip. | 1,509 |
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything: Stamps = Lickie Stickie
Defibrillators = Hearty Starty
Bumble Bees = Fuzzy Buzzy
Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby
Bra = Breastie Nestie
Fork = Stabby Grabby
Socks = Feetie Heatie
Hippo = Floatie Bloatie
Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy | 1,510 |
Head Larger Than The Shaft... Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with ... | 1,511 |
Did you hear about the deaf lady that got corona virus? Neither did she. | 1,512 |
Fun animal fact: You can take a cow up the stairs but not down Think of the poor bastard who found it out the hard way | 1,513 |
These days, everyone is practicing social distancing do they don't get sick. I hear incels are just called cels now. | 1,514 |
Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck. Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.
The first one says "Every morning I wake up at 6:00. At 6:30 I piss for half an hour, just standing there as piss dribbles out. At 7:00 I shit fo... | 1,515 |
What did the statue order from the bar A stiff drink | 1,516 |
WHEN CATS ARE SAD Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another. | 1,517 |
The Septic Tank My uncle works on septic tanks. One time he got hired by a small business (in an even smaller town), to fix a grinder pump that stopped working. He dug it up and inspected it, and come to find out it was jammed and clogged with crap. So after he installed the new one, the business owner asked what cause... | 1,518 |
If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear.... ... do you think Greece would help? | 1,519 |
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? Follow the fresh prints. | 1,520 |
How did I figure out that I need a girlfriend? My default browser is incognito mode | 1,521 |
I wish I could come out as gay to my father It would be a lot easier if I knew where to find him first | 1,522 |
Inner Peace Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus while staying at home we should focus on inner peace. We all could use more calm in our lives and to achieve this we should always finish things we start. We looked through our house to find things we’d started and hadn’t finished, so finished off a bott... | 1,523 |
[Dark] Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Cuz she had no arms | 1,524 |
Why are companies asking for such big bailouts, when the population needs it the most? Don't they know the money will come up to them in a trickle up economy? | 1,525 |
Warning: When I came back from a walk this morning I realised I might have touched something infectious, so I duly scrubbed and washed. Then I noticed that my hand had turned bright red and was feeling really hot. What was worse, each of my fingers had grown two little horns on the top. I tell you, that's the last time... | 1,526 |
I've heard its social etiquette to make jokes about a community only if you are a part of that particular community. For example, only gay people can joke about gay jokes, only black people can make jokes about black people.
Anyway, these two paedophiles walk into a bar..... | 1,527 |
A bartender has a drink ready for his customer every evening. He’s a doctor and every time he finishes work he comes to the bar for a hazelnut daiquiri. One night, the bar is all out of hazelnuts. The bartender rummages through the inventory but is only able to find hickory nuts. He improvises a drink in the nick of ti... | 1,528 |
Police are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog. | 1,529 |
The Perfect Son
Friend 1 - I have the perfect son.
Friend 2 - Does he smoke?
Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
Friend 2 - Does he drink whiskey?
Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
Friend 2 - Does he ever come home late?
Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
Friend 2 - I guess you really do have the perfect son. Ho... | 1,530 |
My father ladies and gentlemen... So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's... | 1,531 |
When folk hero William Tell died his story... Wasiam Told. | 1,532 |
A dad tells his son that he wants him to marry a girl of his choice. “No” replies the son.
“The girl is Bill Gates’ daughter” says the dad.
“Ok then” replies the son.
The dad goes to Bill Gates
“Can your daughter marry my son?” asks the dad.
“No” replies Bill Gates.
“But my son is the CEO of World Bank” said the dad.
“... | 1,533 |
What do you call a planet that poops-- Uranus | 1,534 |
What happens when you get a virus-related sickness? It goes viral on Twitter! | 1,535 |
Soooo... Fortnite is pretty good | 1,536 |
Four Fathers at the Bar Father A, Father B, Father C and Father D were at the bar, enjoying their drinks and happily conversing about their successes in life.
With a bladder full of liquid, Father D went to the toilet to take a shit.
As the conversation continued between the others, it diverted towards how successfu... | 1,537 |
Paul Simon and Julio knew where it's at.. "..Goodbye to Rosie, the Queen of Corona". | 1,538 |
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb ? Only one if the lightbulb really wants to change | 1,539 |
Do you know why the yuppies' favorite animal is the whale It has a dedicated blowhole | 1,540 |
Which two letters are delicious? C and Y | 1,541 |
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? Together we can stop this shit. | 1,542 |
I don't usually tell anal jokes Butt fuck it | 1,543 |
What’s a cats favourite console The pspspspspspspsps4 | 1,544 |
Two boxers light up a blunt After a couple hours, both of them are pretty damn high, they start telling each other stories. One of them says, "Oh man, the other day I went on the craziest date with my wife. I got home after practice and told her to get ready. A couple minutes later we head out into that beautiful fores... | 1,545 |
Coronavirus Spelled Backwards is... surivanoroc
It sounds like a freaking Warlock spell.
Like: Surivanoroc, Surivanoroc, SURIVANOROC
It’s weird. | 1,546 |
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can ... | 1,547 |
Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown Only essential oils can be bought. | 1,548 |
What did former Alabama Senator Roy Moore say about coronavirus? It's called COVID-19, means I ain't gettin' it. | 1,549 |
Two chemists walk into a bar One says "I'll have a glass of H2O", and the second one says "I'll have a glass of H2O too". They get their drinks, and drink away. Suddenly, the second chemist dies. | 1,550 |
I can't believe infertility is such a big problem in this day & age It's conceivable! | 1,551 |
Bi Polar I hate being bi polar its amazing | 1,552 |
What do you call post malone when he is in quarantine Post Malone-ly | 1,553 |
Today, I'm setting out to recapture my lost youth. I could've sworn I locked the basement door. | 1,554 |
I've got the memory of an elephant, i remember this one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.. | 1,555 |
I went this morning to my premature ejaculators support group Turns out the meeting is tomorrow... | 1,556 |
I've just hired a landscape gardener, but he couldn't help me out As my garden was portrait... | 1,557 |
A 12 year old girl was watching tv home alone late at night when suddenly the phone rang She picked up the phone and a deep voice said 'I am the man with the bleeding finger and I'm two blocks away from you'. Thinking it was a prank she hung up the phone and went back to watching tv. A few minutes later the phone rang ... | 1,558 |
I found out this morning that my grief councillor has died, He was that good i don't really care.... | 1,559 |
A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes | 1,560 |
panda So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do.
Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin'
So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some beers and is approached by ... | 1,561 |
Great, now when I go to the doctor my bill is going to be incredibly high Seen by an incredibly brave, but heretofore undervalued nurse........$25,000. | 1,562 |
Clinton’s Presidency Will be forever known as sex between the Bushes. | 1,563 |
I'm glad that in these hard times, people aren't resorting to petty racism. I would've expected a lot more hate crimes against bats. | 1,564 |
Quarantine going good so far I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer. | 1,565 |
Two Dragons walk into a Bar One says "It's getting Hot in here"
The other "Shut your mouth" | 1,566 |
I have been studying Russian with my friends and i realized we change b's into v's in the accent My friends ask me if i still want to study russian and i said "If being russian makes my b's into v's then soviet."
I was shot down by the FBI the next day. | 1,567 |
Breaking bad GOT: I'm the best Tv Series of all time!
Breaking Bad : Hold my Meth | 1,568 |
A Roman walks into a bar holds up two fingers and says “Five beers, please.” | 1,569 |
How do you make a pound of fat look good? Put a nipple on it | 1,570 |
Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
The first brother is the strongest.
"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.
"You see tha... | 1,571 |
Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed but it’s all water under the fridge now
Credit u/kelly240361 | 1,572 |
What skill do you need to become a world class poker player? sit on your butt for a long time. | 1,573 |
Quarantine Problem During this whole quarantine situation, I have been very bored. So to pass the time I have been eating a lot of food. Naturally the more food I've eaten the more times I've had to use the restroom. So as a result I've been using toilet paper at a more frequent rate.
Here's the problem: I have eaten... | 1,574 |
Biology Test Biology Teacher : Everybody draw female reproductive organ.
*One girl felt shy and looked down*
A boy shouted : Mam, she's copying. | 1,575 |
A guy walks into a supermarket to buy some dog food. After he puts the dog food at the cash register the cashier replies: "Sorry, you must prove that you have a dog to purchase that. It's a new rule". Angry, the guy leaves.
The next day he comes to the supermarket to buy cat food. At the cash register, the cashier re... | 1,576 |
What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord? Gsus | 1,577 |
My dad asked me if I was even listening to what he was saying. That's one weird way to start a conversation. | 1,578 |
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot… Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee... | 1,579 |
I told my friends that i had a date with a really attractive girl.... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too. | 1,580 |
What did the greek ham say to the cheese regarding his new motorcycle ? Kaska Vali ? | 1,581 |
The interview Interviewer: It says here that you really fast with numbers, so what's 14×21?.
Interviewee: 63.
Interviewer: That's not even close.
Interviewee: yeah, but it was quick. | 1,582 |
Covid-19 USA politics Dr. Anthony Fauci: Trump's desire to reopen the country by Easter is an "aspirational projection".
President Donald J. Trump: You mention my ass and my projections one more time and you're fired! | 1,583 |
Appearantly cucumbers are good for your memory. A friend of mine stuck one up his ass 20 years ago and he still remembers it. | 1,584 |
I organised a surprise bukkake party for my girlfriend.... All my mates came.
You should’ve seen her face. | 1,585 |
A mother is unsure about her depressed son's well-being She asks him to clarify that he will not commit suicide, the boy tries to reassure her and replies:
"Don't worry mom! Suicide is the last thing I'd do!" | 1,586 |
I want my women to be like my Covid 19 and easy to get | 1,587 |
I was at a bar and I went up to the bartender and bet him $100 I could piss into the cup without spilling a drop on the table. So he agreed and I ended up pissing all over the bar table. He called me a sucker and he asked me, "how could you even think you'd win the bet? You stupid?"
Then I told him, "I bet my friend a... | 1,588 |
If you donate a kidney everybody loves you and you’re a total hero.
But try donating five kidneys – people start yelling, police gets called – sheesh. | 1,589 |
He'll never make it Ireland on lock down due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told...‘ Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 pm it's SHOOT TO KILL!!!
On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds an... | 1,590 |
Masterbating competition There were three guys masterbating. Whoever came last would win. The first guy came within two minutes. The second guy came in four minutes. The third guy went on for twenty nine minutes and when he finally came a block of cheese came out. | 1,591 |
Pillow fight The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.
I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions. | 1,592 |
A single sperm has about 37.5 mb of data in it. That would mean a single ejaculation would be a transfer of about 1.587 tb worth of data That’s a lot of information to swallow, I know. | 1,593 |
A man walks into his hometown bar, walked up to the bartender and was offered a deal. The bartender offered, “If you can slap the steak that’s hung from the ceiling, drinks are on the house. If you can’t, then tonight’s drinks are on you”.
The man considered for a long while before replying, “Nah, the steaks are too h... | 1,594 |
In the sole kingdom in the world...... A princess is trapped in a dragon's den Prince: come out Dragon!
*dragon comes out with a cup of coffee in it's hand.
Dragon: tf are u doin here?
Prince: I'm gonna slay you and marry the princess!
Dragon:*thinks for a while and spits coffee* | 1,595 |
Heard this a long time ago. One day while I was walking back home passing a mental hospital for children and behind the fence I heard a bunch of kids yelling, "twelve...twelve...twelve..." so naturally I was curious. Then I found a tiny opening on the fence. As soon as I looked through it, someone poked me in the eye w... | 1,596 |
Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though... This is just the tip of the iceberg. | 1,597 |
What do you call a Black man on the moon An astronaut. | 1,598 |
Always wear little bells around your neck to ward off wild animals... when in bear country and carry pepper spray... know the difference between black and grizzly bear scat... Black bear scat will be full of pine nuts and berries... Grizzly scat smells like pepper spray and has little bells in it... | 1,599 |
A Rabbi, an Irish and a Jew walk into a bar... $5000 Fine. | 1,600 |
A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails. The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's ex... | 1,601 |
Looks like everybody caught Cornholio virus... ...bought all the TP for their bungholes. | 1,602 |
I left my Chinese dumplings to cool on a third floor window ledge. The police arrested me for wonton endangerment. | 1,603 |
Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater ...than submarines in the sky? | 1,604 |
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