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Every day, we stray further from god... No like seriously! Six feet man! | 1,605 |
What do you call it when lightning mcqueen eats a car? Auto cannibalism | 1,606 |
People say my jokes always make them get diarrhea Well it is a shit joke. | 1,607 |
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother until my mom took the urn from me. | 1,608 |
How does a Korean who teaches Spanish say hello? Annyeonghaseñor | 1,609 |
Just noticed two large bumps on my car battery... Had them tested and one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal. | 1,610 |
Apparently, my coronavirus jokes work very well. People start getting sick of them. | 1,611 |
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction So I packed up my things and right | 1,612 |
A student, who is not a native English speaker was buying He was confused when he saw the words "open here" on a box of laundry soap, so he asked the store clerk,
"Can't I wait until I get home to open it?" | 1,613 |
I asked this beautiful young lady in the bar last night where she had been all my life She looked me over, and replied "Well, for the first half of it, I hadn't been born yet". Then I told her I really wanted to get into her pants, and she said "I don't know why, I already have one a\*\*hole in there". I tell ya I get no respect, no respect at all | 1,614 |
I feel like I can always tell when there’s an Australian commenting on my Reddit posts. Have you ever... ever felt like this? | 1,615 |
A Texan walks into an Irish pub and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”. | 1,616 |
A Doctor’s wife wakes up from a coma... The doctor works with patients coming out of comas, and when they do he typically makes a joke about how the world is ending. Unfortunately, his wife had been put into a medically induced comas for 8 months, and when she finally woke up, she expected a joke from her husband.
“Normally I make a joke about how the a global virus has spread over the world, but now that’s actually happening. Sooooo welcome back?” | 1,617 |
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”
So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.
“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy. | 1,618 |
Seamus was coming out of the pub with his son when he stopped and put an arm around the youngster. He nodded towards the village in front of them and said, “You know, I built half the homes in this village but nobody calls me a homebuilder.”
Then with a wave of his arm, he said, “And I worked on half the roads in this village but nobody calls me a roadbuilder.”
Seamus sighed, put his two hands on his son’s shoulders and, looking him hard in the eye, said, “But you fuck one sheep….” | 1,619 |
Why don't electricians get the virus? Because they never touch their phases. | 1,620 |
I got an email with subject "knock knock" It was Jehovah's witnesses working from home | 1,621 |
Studies show that if you smoke weed you are less likely to get sick. Because of your high gene. | 1,622 |
If Hooters started delivering Would they change their name to knockers? | 1,623 |
It's a good thing JK Rowling discovered writing... Or she sure as hell would have been a serial killer. | 1,624 |
What‘s this COVID-19 thing everyone is talking about? I don‘t get it.
...maybe I should leave the house more often. | 1,625 |
What is the fastest way to shepherd’s bush? Up shepherds leg | 1,626 |
Why does actor Edward Woodward have so many 'D's in his name Without the 'D's would be one of the following:
​
If he had no 'D' (well then he would be a she)
1)E war Woo war
​
If he only had 1 'D'
1)Edwar Woo war
2)E war Woo ward
3)E war Woodwar
4)E ward Woo war
​
If he had 2 'D'
1)Edward Woo war
2)E ward Woodwar
3)E ward Woo ward
4)Edwar Woodwar
5)Edwar Woo ward
6)E war Woodward
​
If he had 3 'D'
1)Edward Woodwar
2)Edward Woo ward
3)E ward Woodward
4)Edwar Woodward
​
He needs the specific amount of 'D's to say his name properly. | 1,627 |
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship. | 1,628 |
Phil Swift doesnt make sex tapes He makes flex tapes | 1,629 |
Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure? Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused. | 1,630 |
Knock knock Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
THAT'S HIM, OFFICER. HE'S INFECTED! | 1,631 |
Where does a fish keep its money? At the riverbank. | 1,632 |
What kind of apples grow on trees? All of them.. dumbass | 1,633 |
My fan sucks Why won't it blow? | 1,634 |
Why did The Rock and his stunt double fall in love? The first time they bumped fists, sparks flew. | 1,635 |
What do you call an adult with an imagination? A schizophrenic.
​
​
Relax it's a joke. | 1,636 |
Inner peace during these uncertain times I heard a doctor on TV say to have inner peace during these uncertain times that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house for things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of Tequila, a bodle of some old Pinot, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.... | 1,637 |
What did one ocean say to the other? Ya I sea you... now quit waving. | 1,638 |
Why do melons hate modern laws? Because they cantaloupe. | 1,639 |
Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P | 1,640 |
Why can't football players wear glasses? Because it's a contact sport | 1,641 |
Ive never been to Central Europe... But I might Czech it out someday. | 1,642 |
What do you need to form a K-Pop group? Plastic mold. | 1,643 |
Marriage is... Marriage is knowing you never want your partner to die, but hating them for chewing too loud.
Edit: You guys, I played a drinkng game last night because, well, why not? I don't even remember posting this. Things are getting awesome over here. | 1,644 |
To be frank, I'd have to change my name. | 1,645 |
What are CDC’s favorite jokes? Inside jokes | 1,646 |
I bought the world's worst thesaurus today. Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible | 1,647 |
The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis
Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.
P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it | 1,648 |
Why did the cum cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on. | 1,649 |
Inspired by another Michael Jackson joke in the thread today . . . How can you tell when Michael Jackson has company over?
Big Wheels in the driveway. | 1,650 |
They kept on bidding... In early 2009, a laboratory decided to do a free giveaway of a virus plushie to the kids in the surrounding region. The plushie had several taped messages inside, telling children how to wash their hands properly and practice proper hygienic standards set bt the WHO.
The parents of the kids were overjoyed to know this, and within days, the plush toy had already sold out.
The laboratory took this as a success and was took over by more requests. They transitioned into a toy company as a result.
In December 2019, one of the plush toys went on auction in Wuhan, China. The proceeds would be donated to an American charity.
The auctioneer spoke. "Alright, our starting price is $100. Anyone have $110? $115?"
One spoke up. "$120!"
"$120, any more? Going once!"
"$150!", a second one popped. A third one came in as quickly as the second, bidding $160. Then a fourth, a fifth...
...
"$2000!" "$2010!", the eighteenth bidder stated.
"It's going good. Anybody else bidding?"
A woman spoke. "$2020!" Another voice popped up beside the person who had said it. It was her father. "Yeah, same."
"Nice. Nobody? Going once, going twice. And... sold for $2020!"
The auction went quite well, and the plush toy went into the hands of the woman and their father.
They were quite hungry afterwards, so they went to the seafood market nearby and bought a bunch of fish.
However, the dather felt sick, and they decided to go back to their hotel room while the woman bought some food for them both.
Over the next few days, the father's condition worsened. Their breathing got worse, they suffered a fever, and it was decided to bring them to the hospital.
After a few days, it was found that he had a new disease, which looked oddly similar to the plushie his daughter had bid for in the auction.
This new disease rapidly spread around the world throughout 2020, becoming a pandemic. After becoming the subject of humiliation, the death of his daughter due to the illness, and various death threats, the father realized the laboratory's possible relation to the disease. He analyzed the plushie, and sure enough, traces of the virus causing the disease were on it. He looked up the company and threatened to sue it.
The story became embedded in myth, and, centuries later, is still the leading myth on how the Virus of 2020 spread across the world.
The man became known not by his name, but by the disease, and the worst mistake he would ever make...
He got Co-bid 19. | 1,651 |
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it’s apparent. | 1,652 |
Recently my girlfriend and i switched positions during sex. I wanted to know how it feels to be penetrated. She wore a strap-on we did did anal. It was great but it was A-Cute pain in the ass. | 1,653 |
Sending my thoughts and prayers To all the home invaders suffering an economic blow since the COVID 19 crisis | 1,654 |
Bit hard to tell this in writing so I'll use phonetic spelling People always ask me, is it pronounced Jeff Gold-bloom or Jeff Gold-blumm?
And I always give the same response...
How dare you talk to me. | 1,655 |
Son, want to hear a funny one? Son: sure
Dad: Quarantine.
Son: why’s that funny?
Dad: it’s an inside joke. | 1,656 |
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore. W.H.O. let the dogs out. | 1,657 |
I started learning Italian recently It's'a going perfecto | 1,658 |
A wife lying on her death bed asks her husband for one last request. Wife: I want to die having sex.
The husband silently nods, knowing what to do.
She died gagging on his penis. | 1,659 |
People still not taking enough precautions are just putting another nail in their cough-in | 1,660 |
Everyone is talking about this new novel Coronavirus I've checked Amazon and all the bookstores near me but nobody has it. | 1,661 |
Parents: "You better go home." Post Malone: "Naw."
Parents: "HOME, MALONE!"
Post Malone: "Yeah aight..." | 1,662 |
How does a biologist check for ghosts? They run an antibody test | 1,663 |
What do you call a guy who keeps bumping into everyone with a massive erection Large hardon collider | 1,664 |
You know, Easter fell on April fool's day last year, but it wasn't the first time Jesus could really pull off a prank. | 1,665 |
144 million people have been recently discovered to get the coronavirus One in Russia got it, so everyone there did. | 1,666 |
Why did the stock of Corn feel isolated? He was on corn teen. | 1,667 |
What do you call a sad noodle? Upsetti spaghetti. | 1,668 |
Soviet joke: A distraught woman shows up at the Doctor's office. "Doctor, I can't take it anymore! There must be something we can do!" Her husband wets the bed nightly (no diapers at the time). Apparently, they have tried all of the possible medications and methods.
"Well, there is one other thing you can do..." says the doctor. "You can attach a hose to his penis and dangle the other end out the window." The wife goes home hopeful and excited.
Several days later, the husband comes in. His face is covered in tears and he's barely holding himself together.
"Well, how's it going?!" asks the doctor hopefully.
"Doctor, you're a murderer!" exclaims the husband. "My wife was looking for the tip at night and fell from the 5th floor window!" | 1,669 |
Everyone has coronavirus One of the symptoms is not having taste. | 1,670 |
What has eyes like a seal, but gills on his face? Seal | 1,671 |
What’s long and yellow and cannot swim? A school bus full of children | 1,672 |
An old man goes up to the meat counter at his local grocery store, asking if there’s any fresh chicken available. The grocer shows him the chicken section, which is filled to the brim. Surprised, the old man can’t help but exclaim: “I haven’t seen this much thigh since I saw a chicken strip!” | 1,673 |
The New Gynecologist One morning, it's time for Karen's yearly checkup on her "lady parts." She drives to the Gynecologist, is shown into an examination room, and prepares for the exam. To her mild upset, her usual Doctor isn't there.
"What happened to Dr. Michaels?"
"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mrs. Lewis, but he retired a couple months ago. I'm Dr. Carradine, and I'll be performing your examination today." The new Dr. gives her a reassuring smile, and she's still uncomfortable but tries to go with it. Dr. Michaels had been getting on in years, after all.
But then it was Dr. Carradine's turn to look uncomfortable as he began the examination. Mrs. Lewis couldn't figure out why that was, but the new Doctor looked visibly upset the entire time.
Finally, she had to know: "Doctor, is there something wrong?"
"Well... no. No, everything's fine..."
As the exam went on, though, the new, young Doctor just didn't lose that look of being perturbed by something going on down there.
"Look, tell me what's going on! Right now!" Karen blurted.
The new Doctor sighed, shook his head, and said, "Well, I... I don't really know how to tell you this. There's nothing *wrong,* exactly, but..."
"But what!"
"Well, it's just that you've got the biggest vagina I've ever seen..."
Well, that was it. Karen was seething. She told Dr. Carradine that the examination was *Over*, got her clothing situated, and stormed out of the office. On her way home, though, she started to calm down and think about it. The doctor hadn't been trying to *insult* her... in fact, he'd gone out of his way to keep his mouth shut about what he was seeing until she blustered him into telling her. She decides she'd better have a look for herself.
She gets home, goes into the bedroom, then lays the full length mirror in the corner on the floor. She undresses and puts one foot on either side of the mirror, then looks down.
Just then, her husband leans around the door frame. "Hi, honey, whatcha doin'?" he asks, curious.
Blushing from her neck all the way up into her hairline, Karen stammers, "I, uhhh, I'm just, um... exercising!"
"Okay," her husband shrugs. "Just be careful you don't fall into that big fuckin' hole in the floor." | 1,674 |
$500!!! A guy and his girlfriend are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The girl is just hopping out so she says, "I'll get it" She goes to the door with just a towel around her.
There's a guy at the front door who looks at the half-naked beauty and says, "My name is Barry,I'll give you $500 to drop the towel"
The girl thinks for a moment and decides, "What the heck". So she drops the towel. The guy gives her the $500 and leaves.
She goes back upstairs where her boyfriend is just getting out of the shower. He asks, "who was at the door?" She says, "Oh, some guy named Barry"
Boyfriend says, "Oh, that's my mate Barry, did he give you the $500 he owes me?" | 1,675 |
An ostrich, a loin, and a giraffe... An ostrich, lion, and giraffe decide to visit the local drinkery after a long day at work.
"I've got the first round!" says the Lion, and they all proceed to enjoy their beverages and talk about their day.
Soon enough their first round of drinks are empty. "Waitress!!" exclaims the ostrich, "Another round for the table!" She quickly delivers their drinks and the merry times begin anew.
Later in the evening, the giraffe is starting to feel the effects of his good times and decides to lay down for a quick nap. Meanwhile, the ostrich loudly asks the waitress to bring them another round before they head out.
As the waitress brings the their drinks she sees something laying on the floor. Without thinking she asks, "Whats that lyin' there?"
The ostrich stifles a chortle and before he can stop himself belts out:
"THAT'S NOT A LION, THAT'S A GIRAFFE"
*Edit: Somehow I misspelled the title, all is lost. | 1,676 |
Why did the guy who lost his dick become apathetic? He just couldn't be fucked anymore. | 1,677 |
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped… "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.
It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?" | 1,678 |
Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist. He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United States and Europe, and had the machine scan every book published since the invention of the printing press. Finally Smith sat down at the console, took a deep breath, and typed, "Is there a God?"
The monitor flickered, the hard drives clicked, and up on the screen came the words, "There is now!" | 1,679 |
A Jewish Man from the Shtetl is trying to get some sleep while some brisk elders are playing backgammon right beneath his bedroom window.
Lying in bed and anxiously eying the ceiling,
he ponders about how he might just find some of that replenishing sleep.
He goes to his window and desperately looks into the crowds. Then he‘s got the brillant gimmick.
He fervently proclaims: “Everyone, I just got message they’re gifting limited amounts of dates at the market.
One buzzes off, targeting the market directly, and all the others follow him shortly.
Lying in bed and triumphantly eying the ceiling,
he has another forejudging brainwave:
“What if they’re really giving out dates for free?” | 1,680 |
Are you an Instagram Challenge? Because I'd like to do you | 1,681 |
I just figured out how to get Covid-19 to not infect me. I'll ask it out on a date, then it will ignore me. | 1,682 |
I went into a brothel in Wales. They charged me twenty quid entry fee and said I could choose one of the girls to spend some time with. But it turned out they had no women at all!
I got fleeced. | 1,683 |
WHO advises people to keep zippers down. So they stop touching their faces. | 1,684 |
Beards... You know, at first I didn't much care for my beard...
But I must say, it's been growing on me! | 1,685 |
Jesus is doing a crossword when he shouts in frustration I'm stuck on 2 across! | 1,686 |
What sound does a hydroflask full of seeds make? *SKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSK* | 1,687 |
Variation of old jokes with music A school orchestra was on the way to a large concert. The bus was flooded with the excited students. It was so crowded in fact, that the conductor could barely keep track of them all.
After the concert, at which they played Symphony No. 3, Op. 44, by Rachmaninoff, they were starting to head back to the school. A tuba player thought it would be funny to hide with the instruments under the bus. The conductor, pre occupied with the many students, didn't keep track of that one player.
Back at the school, one of the other Tubists, who was in on the gag, jokingly said "We must have left him at the concert hall." The conductor, only now realizing that the kid was missing, told everyone to unload the bus, and he would go get the kid.
Once the conductor was already leaving to get the kid, there was a scream. A girl had started to unload her instrument when they saw the Tubists, dead and crushed.
Tl;Dr: There was A flat minor | 1,688 |
So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo... ...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired." | 1,689 |
During boot camp training, a young mathematician is instructed to pull the pin of a grenade, count down from three and then throw. He died by -6. | 1,690 |
Wave joke What did the ocean say to the orca whale when it went on vacation
Nothing it just waved | 1,691 |
I'm a medical doctor in Italy studying the spread of the coronavirus in social units such as neighborhoods. AMA. Whoops, wrong community. | 1,692 |
Breaking news Charlie Sheen has tested positive for every disease except corona virus | 1,693 |
Went out for my state sanctioned, socially distant walk today... ...and I gotta say, a lot of guys seem to measuring six feet the way they measure six inches. | 1,694 |
Deep in the Amazon jungle, a tribe witnessed white people for the first time... ...and immediately regretted installing TikTok. | 1,695 |
What do you call a plastic artist? Vincent Van Legoh | 1,696 |
Bologna is only bologna is it was made in Bologna, Italy Everything else is just phoney bologna. | 1,697 |
I just love that new Tesla smell. That Elon musk. | 1,698 |
Why don’t black people go on cruises? They’re not falling for that trick again. | 1,699 |
Have you heard about the lowballed blowjobs in Wales? They are right under a buck. | 1,700 |
What do you call the Dowtown Abbey butler at age 12? Master Bates | 1,701 |
The famous water joke
So there’s this guy right, and he spends the night with his gf. But the story doesn’t begin there. It begins the morning after.
The man goes to brush his teeth, but he leaves the tap on after he’s done. Then he turns on the shower, but he doesn’t even step inside. He just watches the water run.
So then this guy runs outside and smashes open this fire hydrant. And the streets are flooded and the people around him are soaked and the girl is completely fuming.
And she screams at him:
‘Water you doing’ | 1,702 |
I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today. I dropped my pants and bent over.
They should have said it was a thermal scan! | 1,703 |
What are Jehovah Witnesses' favorite dessert? Hostess Ding Dongs! | 1,704 |
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