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A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed. At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.
One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.
The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.
The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.
In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.
A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.
The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.
After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.
The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner." | 1,705 |
I went to see Elvis last night, but I got there too late Apparently he had left the building | 1,706 |
How does an Indian fan greet Taylor Swift? Namastaytay! | 1,707 |
A local priest was in hell for two weeks. He was quarantined with 15 kids and had to practice social distancing. | 1,708 |
How is the queen still alive? Because she has been drinking imortali-tea. | 1,709 |
What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank? EDIT: Thanks for the gold! | 1,710 |
I'm concerned I might forget to take my salami box with me to work. That would be a wurst case scenario. | 1,711 |
What does a middle eastern man say when his country is being bombed? Oman. | 1,712 |
My friend asked what chord had the notes G, C, and D Like Gsus man! Learn the chord names! | 1,713 |
The fact that all the bars are closed due to coronavirus has some big consequences. I haven’t seen a “walked into a bar” joke here for days now. | 1,714 |
I saw a therapist recently I wasn't a patient, he just did counseling I grew aware | 1,715 |
Marshmallow joke
I'm cooking a marshmallow my grandma said that isn't hot or burnt but I say it what's on the inside that matters couse it is warm in gooy inside | 1,716 |
For Redditors thinking about getting married soon—consider this very carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.. On the other hand, you don’t. | 1,717 |
Why was Mary Magdalene upset with Jesus? Bevause he holy ghosted her. | 1,718 |
What do you call a director who likes to camp inside during a pandemic? Tentin Quarentino | 1,719 |
If you want to get a bunch of tips while working Be a prostitute in a leper colony | 1,720 |
What do you call a corona on it’s period? A michelada | 1,721 |
An English man was trying to teach a Japanese man how to tell time in English... The English man says to the Japanese man, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at the clock and says “it’s 4 o’clock.”
The English man asks again, 30 minutes later, “now what’s the time?” The Japanese man replies with “it’s 4:30 o’clock” the English man and Japanese man celebrate by going to a restaurant.
After an hour of being at the
restaurant, the English man asks the Japanese man again, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at his watch and replies with, “5:30 o’watch.” | 1,722 |
You know how Hellen Keller’s parents punished her? They left the plunger in the toilet. | 1,723 |
A new Chief takes over the Indian tribe.. It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy." | 1,724 |
A VDOT worker walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt. (VDOT is Virginia Department of Transportation)
He walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt, and sits down with the asphalt on the table. The bartender looks awfully strange and say, "Can I help you sir?" The VDOT worker says "Yes, a beer for me, and one for the road." | 1,725 |
Bro, do you want this pamplet? Brochure | 1,726 |
Which x-men member is hated by conservatives? Caitlyn Jenner | 1,727 |
What does a 9volt battery and a girls butthole have in common? You know you shouldn’t, but eventually you’ll put your tongue on it. | 1,728 |
Scientists find a man immune to Covid-19 because of a genetic mutation They conclude that 1/2 of the population in Alabama are immune to Covid-19. | 1,729 |
Johnny Dick goes into the laundry office... ...when suddenly he meets a little kiddo. He screams at the kid why it is there in such night. The kid answers: '
This is because of the blonde. I need more guys.'
The boss answers: 'Okay I'll lick your balls.'
The boy looks clean. So Johnny laughs and pinks him in the kitchen.
The boy asks: Why did you study my bedroom?
Johnny dick answers: Because I keep my kitchen open to others. | 1,730 |
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes. He was a poultry farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken activities. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this backstory? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection. | 1,731 |
How does an Eskimo build a house? Igloos it together! | 1,732 |
Why is coronavirus like Groundhog Day? (The actual day, not the film) If you stick your head outside and encounter another person, you get 6 more weeks of quarantine. | 1,733 |
A symptom of covid is loss of taste My friend should get tested, he dresses terribly | 1,734 |
At first I didn't like my manicure.... but my nails are growing on me. | 1,735 |
9 Inch Pianist A man walks into a bar with a bag. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.
The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to show the bartender an old genie bottle. He rubs it, and out pops an old, dusty genie. The man tells the bartender to make a wish.
The Bartender wishes for 1 million bucks. Lo and Behold, rows of ducks begin walking into the bar and filling the entire area. Frustrated the bartender yells to the man "I wished for a million BUCKS!"
To this the man replied, "Did you think I wanted a 9-inch Pianist?" | 1,736 |
An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious muffins, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery’.
“And sure enough,” he continued. “The fifteenth time around the block, and there it was!” | 1,737 |
So I'm on a plane and the Captain starts his annoying little speech: He goes, "This is your captain speaking, and we will be cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet, (Bla, Bla, Bla)"
After the announcement, he forgets to turn off the intercom, and goes to his copilot, "Man, I could really use a blowjob and a cup of coffee."
As the entire plane hears it, they burst out in laughter and the stewardess runs up to the front of the plane to tell the captain that the mic is still on.
As she is running to the front, a man yells at her, "Hey, don't forget the coffee!" | 1,738 |
The man who invented the cough syrup just died. There will be no coffin at his burial. | 1,739 |
What's the difference between a woman walking out of church and a woman walking out of the shower? One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole | 1,740 |
Queen Elizabeth II changed her name to Hope She wont die because MY HOPE WILL NEVER DIE | 1,741 |
Did you know everyone with coronavirus is a sinner? The Bible reads: "Thou shalt not COVID." | 1,742 |
Stairway to Heaven God expects me to take a stairway to heaven when I can just drive myself on the highway to hell. I have a Prius. | 1,743 |
A Catholic goes to confession during the Season of Lent.... "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I ate meat last Friday during the season of Lent."
The Priest asks, "What type of meat did you eat, my son?"
The man replied, "I made a baloney sandwich, Father."
The Priest chuckled and said, "I wouldn't worry about it, it isn't even real meat!" | 1,744 |
The Seven Dwarfs were in a bathtub feeling happy. So Happy got out. | 1,745 |
What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? It had mittens. | 1,746 |
A hunter shot a deer which ran into someone else's farmyard. The hunter went to retrieve his deer but the farmer said it was his because it was on his property. They argued about it. The farmer finally says: “You’re obviously a city feller, but this isn’t the city. Let’s settle this farm style. We’ll take turns kicking each other in the balls until one of us gives up.” The hunter sees that this is the only way to get his deer, so agrees. The farmer says: “OK, I go first.” He kicks the hunter solidly in the balls. The hunter rolls in agony on the dirt for about 6 minutes and is finally able to struggle to his feet. He says: “Looks like it’s my turn.” The farmer says: “You can take the deer.” | 1,747 |
They said that schizophrenia is an illness and I should take medication. But look who’s over here not lonely during the quarantine! | 1,748 |
What do you call it when Santa’s little helper cuts himself? Elf-harm | 1,749 |
So, in one of his songs, Adam Levine says, "My heart's a stereo". Okay, I can picture it.
But then in another song, he says, "I am a payphone".
Now, hold on.
What? Have you ever seen a payphone with a stereo inside it?
Which is it, Mr. Levine?
I mean, WTF here? LOL! | 1,750 |
After a night of epic lovemaking, what did Thor say to the Valkyrie when she asked for more? I got nuttin' for ya | 1,751 |
You know, we talk about William F. Buckley's "Firing Line", I'm more interested in Donald TRUMP's "firing line"! Ha ha ha, you know, his catchphrase "you're fired", he would say it all the time on his TV show "The Apprentice" He said that line a lot on the show | 1,752 |
What do cashews and prostitutes have in common? It’s an expensive nut. | 1,753 |
What letters can't be found in the alphabet? The ones in mailboxes | 1,754 |
A chihuahua can kill a Great Dane easily by choking it. Depends if the Great Dane is hungry or not. | 1,755 |
Claude the Hypnotist It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for
the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from
his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch
high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been
in my family for six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the
gently swaying watch.
They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into a hundred pieces on
impact.
"SHIT," shouted Claude.
It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Home and
Claude was never invited back again. | 1,756 |
A guy and his pals are going out for some beers Halfway through their night out, the guy meets a beautiful woman. They chat for a bit and eventually she decides she wants to take him home. The guy hesitates for a second, but eventually agrees.
At her place, they have some more alcohol and they start making out. The girl reaches for his belt and tries to unbuckle it, saying: "I don't usually do this on a first date, but I'm willing to make an exception for you"
The guy gets really nervous, stands up, buckles his belt up again, scribbles a note of his phone number and says he has to go meet up with his friends again.
Confused, the next day the woman decides to text him. "Heyy, I really liked having you around yesterday. How about another date tonight?"
The guy agrees. This time, they get in her bed and watch Netflix together. Again, whilst making out, the woman tries to unbuckle his belt, the guy makes up an excuse and leaves again.
And so it goes on. After their seventh date, the woman desperately texts him, asking why he won't have sex with her.
The guy finally confesses the problem. He tells her that he thinks he has a micropenis. She tells him she's been with guys with micropenises before, and that it's okay.
The next time they meet up, the guy finally built up enough courage to get his dick out. The woman looks at it, thinking it's not that bad at all. She looks him in the eye and says:
"I can't believe you've been this embarrassed about such a small thing all this time!" | 1,757 |
Joys of Meth What's the best part of being a Meth-head on Halloween?
​
....it's only 3 more sleeps till Christmas! | 1,758 |
Bartender A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with
my wife." The man says,
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business." | 1,759 |
Why doesn't the media interrupt Trump during live press conferences? They know he doesn't need ANY prodding to say something stupid. | 1,760 |
What kind of show encourages the most hand-washing? Soap operas | 1,761 |
A virgin finally gets married and has no clue what to do in bed
So asks a friend for advice and he says:
Do what ever she does and you will figure it out naturally .
At night his wife comes to bed and starts undressing,
and based on friend advice he does the same.
Then she starts touching her breasts and biting her lips and he mimics her
As she starts touching herself and moaning he does the same too ,
Suddenly she puts her cloths on and storms out ,
Confused and worried husband asks :
where are you going honey ?
She replies :
To find someone to come and fuck us both | 1,762 |
My wife buy’s an air fryer. So, I ask does it make mead and can it’s name be Friar Tuck? | 1,763 |
I have a severe dry cough, fever, and shortness of breath... WebMD *still* thinks I have cancer.
That's not very funny because Covid-19 is not a joke. Stay the fuck at home. | 1,764 |
I beat my girlfriend up Well, I had to be up before her, my shift starts at 7 and she has the day off | 1,765 |
Did you notice that when the animatronics bear from Chucky Cheese went missing Joe Biden announced his run for the Presidency?? | 1,766 |
I found out why Germany is handling the pandemic so well. They wash their Hans. | 1,767 |
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing they fast. | 1,768 |
Due to Coronavirus, we officially now have three days of the week 1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow | 1,769 |
Two suitors issue A young lady had two suitors which exhausted her.
As a solution she went to a fortune teller.
Ma'am, I have two suitors and I have to pick one. So I need you to tell me who's getting lucky?
It's gonna be John, because Jack will marry you. | 1,770 |
90% of the time I know what you want. A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15."
The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"
I replied, "That's my job."
Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."
The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?
I replied, "That's my job."
This time a brunette walked in and I said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
I said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!" | 1,771 |
What does the orchestra conductor yell while felling trees? Timbre! | 1,772 |
Is there any way to put the pin of a grenade back in? Guys, I'm gonna need a quick answer on this one.. | 1,773 |
With all the Coronavirusyou can't just go into a hospital to have a baby any more.. ..instead you get it delivered. | 1,774 |
An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess kilos He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious muffins, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery’.
“And sure enough,” he continued. “The eighth time around the block, there it was!” | 1,775 |
I've found the cure to covid-19!!! It's anti-asian cream! | 1,776 |
My grandpa warned that the Titanic would sink. No one payed attention to him, but he kept on warning until people got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theater. | 1,777 |
The first animal to be mechanically milked must've been pumped. I know it's an old joke, I'm just milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny. | 1,778 |
My friend Victor lost his way now he is Scalar | 1,779 |
Who needs stimulus money When your wife didn't go shopping for two weeks! | 1,780 |
I tried to rickroll everyone on r/Jokes with a link but You know the rules and so do I | 1,781 |
Saw a glute focused fitness class the other day. Less of a boot camp, more like a twerk shop. | 1,782 |
What do you call it when a holy man is on fire? Holy smokes. | 1,783 |
The North Korean Communist Party are professionals when it comes to handling Covid-19 Amidst the Covid-19 pandemic, Kim Jong Un be like “We’ve been putting our country in lockdown for years, it’s been working out great! While the world freaks out from lockdowns, North Koreans be like “lol pssh amateurs, first time?” | 1,784 |
Donald Trump responds to news that two Brazilian politicians have tested positive for COVID-19: *That’s bad news; The worst news; So bad. How many zeros are there in a brazilian?* | 1,785 |
A heartwarming story from the war A boy is walking his dog in an English park when it chases a duck into the river and gets into difficulties. The boy stands on the riverbank screaming for help and crying in panic, when a German PoW on a work detail in a field sees what is happening. "Hey, Tommy, I go help?" he calls out to the guard, and getting the OK he jumps into the river and drags the half-drowned dog to the bank.
He gives the dog a couple of thumps and listens to its chest for a few moments, then says to the boy "Take him home and giff him good rub down with rough towel. Put his basket by ze fire, giff him little bit varm milk if you haff any, maybe *tiny* spoonful of brandy in it. He be fine by tomorrow."
The boys says "Wow! Are you a vet?" and the German says "Vet? I am der fucking soaking!" | 1,786 |
If Corona was a music band, it would be a famous one With a worldwide tour in every country the whole year | 1,787 |
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying. I can also tell when they're standing. | 1,788 |
My local English pub is holding a '6-foot party"... Instead of a yard of ale, all patrons will be expected to drink TWO yards of ale. | 1,789 |
What's the difference between a scout and a Jew? A scout comes back from their camp | 1,790 |
Namaste. Away.
It’s my pandemic greeting. | 1,791 |
Following are the options of the north korean elections A:Kim Jong Un
B:A
C:B
D:C | 1,792 |
I used to live next door to a talking horse We were Neeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigghhhhbours | 1,793 |
My last girlfriend had a lazy eye. We broke up because I caught her seeing someone on the side. | 1,794 |
April 1st Presidential Announcement “Gotcha” | 1,795 |
What do you call Prince Harry and Meghan living in the USA? A Royal aBroad | 1,796 |
Tom Brady left The Patriots His career got deflated. | 1,797 |
How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat? She can now fit into your wive's clothes. | 1,798 |
My parents were murdered And the detective was a duck
Luckily he quacked the case in the end | 1,799 |
The Mercy just docked at the Port of LA It's a beautiful Navy vessel with 1,000 beds, 956 Naval medical staff, and 258 Naval support staff.
With that much staff, they should really consider using Norwegian bar codes to track staff members as they move around the ship and deal with incoming patients.
That way, at the beginning of each shift, we can Scandanavian. | 1,800 |
How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening..... | 1,801 |
If life gives you melons, you have daily sex. | 1,802 |
Some people think it’s soooo fine, that a Sweden - Denmark soccermatch gets abbreviated as SWEDEN But the abbrevition for Finland - Estonia is FINEST! | 1,803 |
Aussie help line Helpline Agent: "G'day mate, Aussie help line ere, what's the problem cobber?
Guy: "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her vagina has completely closed up"
Helpline Agent: "Ah bummer mate!"
Guy: "Cheers mate, I hadn't thought of that, bye!" | 1,804 |
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