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A joke I made up when I was 5. What’s yellow, white, green, and brown? A schoolbus with a dirty diaper. | 1,905 |
In the spirit of old jokes going around: What runs faster hot or cold? Hot, because everyone can catch a cold.
*INFECTED* | 1,906 |
"Orion's belt is a big waste of space" Terrible joke. Only 3 stars. | 1,907 |
Girlfriend joke Oh yeah just remembered, I dont have one | 1,908 |
Is Reddit really gonna argue over the color of the upvote arrow? I can make it blue if you need me to. | 1,909 |
A man with a fancy watch was riding the subway, with a woman next to him puked on his watch. "Not on my watch!" | 1,910 |
Once I was a male who was trapped inside a female's body. Then I was born. | 1,911 |
You know that dude who played the Joker, right? He's starring in a new zombie flick. The Joaquin Dead. | 1,912 |
R. Kelly has asked to be released from prison after being concerned about catching COVID-19. I bet if it was COVID-13 he wouldn't mind catching it at all. | 1,913 |
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet.
We're outta bread: be back in five minutes. | 1,914 |
Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time. As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.
"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."
The first man steps forward.
"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floor apartment to another man's clothes at the foot of you and your wife's bed. I didn't have to imagine, and I didn't stand for it. I had to look for this bastard. So I ran around, searching high and low, until I found someone hanging on to the window sill. I hit his fingers until he falls all six stories but he somehow survives by falling onto some trash bags. I grab the nearest heavy object-which happens to be the refrigerator-and throw it down at him. In my anger, I didn't realize that the plug had wrapped around my ankle, so I ended up falling to my death."
"Well," said Peter, "Normally we don't allow murderers in here, but I think it was for a righteous enough reason. You pass."
As the first man walks into Heaven, the second man steps forward.
"Imagine this. You're a window washer, doing your rounds on the seventh floor of an apartment building. You slip and fall, but somehow you catch yourself on the window sill of the floor below. All of a sudden, this random asshat starts smashing at your fingers. Anyways, I fell and my life flashed before my eyes. By some miraculous fate, I was somehow safe! I had landed on some garbage bags and survived. Then I look up and see a fridge falling from the sky."
Peter laughed. "Well, I don't think you did anything particularly wrong. You can come in."
As the second man entered the gates, Saint Peter turned to the last man. "What about you?"
"So imagine you've just finished fuckin' some dude's wife. Then you hide in the refrigerator." | 1,915 |
My dad is a magician. His greatest trick is cutting people in half. I have three brothers and a half. | 1,916 |
Why did the English prime minister get coronavirus? Because he waited too long for a lockdown. | 1,917 |
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day. | 1,918 |
Coronavirus in NY My wife's sister called today. She is 79 years old and lives in Middletown, NY. She is a retired Registered Nurse. NY City is desperate for trained medical staff. She said, "the state of New York had contacted her about a temporary assignment in NY City."
Posted the above in a reddit coronavirus thread. Received this autoreply from [hotlinehelpbot](https://www.reddit.com/user/hotlinehelpbot/)
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please reach out. You can find help at a National Suicide Prevention Lifeline | 1,919 |
White priest goes and lives with an African tribe. He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further.
"Ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"
"Mmm yes"
"See they are all white, but that one black one?"
"Mmm yes"
"Does that help you to understand?"
"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep" | 1,920 |
Do you want to know what happened to the suicidal teddy bear? He couldn't do it he was too soft. | 1,921 |
So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them. | 1,922 |
What do you call a depressed optimist? A neutralist. | 1,923 |
A chemist and a mathematician are going camping in the woods. Night begins to fall and the sun starts to set. They begin to get cold and hungry. The mathematician gets the idea to start a campfire for warmth and cooking. The problem is that they do not have any wood. The chemist then suggests to go out and find some loose twigs and burn them.
As they venture out, the chemist hits the jackpot. Hundreds of stumps of wood are stacked up in a pile near their campsite. The difference between this wood is that it’s placed there for campers. None of the wood there came from the trees in the forest that they were camping in. He comes back with some wood and tells the mathematician about it.
“Check this out. I found a huge pile of wood up north of our campsite not very far away. We can take just a few stumps and we will be good for campfire fuel for the rest of the time we are here.”
The mathematician hesitated but the chemist ignores him and continues to take wood from the mysterious free pile.
When the chemist gets back he sees the mathematician with some wood and an axe. Curious about what’s going on the chemist asks him about it.
Chemist: “Where did you get that wood? Why do you have an axe with you?”
Mathematician: “I used the axe to get some wood from some nearby trees.”
Chemist: “You’re killing trees for no reason. Why wouldn’t you just take from the abundance of wood in the huge pile that I’ve been getting it from?”
Mathematician: “Because I prefer natural logs.” | 1,924 |
A 75 year old millionaire marries a sexy 25 year old... The honeymoon arrives and the young woman thinks
'I'm going to kill the old man with Sex right in the first night'
so she lies naked beside him on the bed.
The old man excuses himself to the bathroom to get ready and comes back with a rubber on his penis, earplugs in his ears and a clothes peg on his nose.
'what the...' asks the bride bewildered.
The man looks at her and says:
'there are two things that ruin the mood for me: the screams of a woman and the smell of burnt rubber' | 1,925 |
What do you call a British girl who likes to keep track of things? a Tally Hoe. | 1,926 |
I just married a trophy wife.. Her ears stick out and she has a list of previous boyfriends tattooed down her back... | 1,927 |
I like my salad how I like my woman All vegetables | 1,928 |
UK Government to buy 10,000 ventilators from Dyson. I just hope they dont suck. | 1,929 |
I have a crippling porn addiction i’ll finish the joke when i get back. | 1,930 |
A priest just started spraying holy water on people with reckless abandon It was a blessacre! | 1,931 |
Last week i launched a book aimed at 9 to 12 year olds.. Today i hit one of the little shits with it.. | 1,932 |
As a kid i was really mean to my kid brother, i once convinced him to swallow a torch.. It was worth it just to see his little face light up.. | 1,933 |
I used to be a fortune teller but i was really bad at it as i could only predict really bad winter storms.. Turns out i was using a snow globe... | 1,934 |
my son is a male trapped in a female body he'll be born in may. | 1,935 |
Upon discovery of some sandstone deposits in a dried-up river, Mr. Watson questioned Sherlock Holmes on how he could be so sure it's sandstone. "Why, it's sedimentary, my dear Watson!" | 1,936 |
What is your next travel destination? - Las Kitchenas
- Los Lounges
- Santa Bedroomes
- Porto Gardenas
- Los bed
- Costa Del Balconia
- La Rotonda De Sofa
- Casa de Toilette | 1,937 |
well when I said I was a positive guy I meant COVID-19
(shamelessly stolen from Frankie Boyle) | 1,938 |
dog get pregnant from a chicken, what are their son's first words? poodle doodle doo | 1,939 |
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts! | 1,940 |
This one is a good one A man goes into the doctors office to get his physical. The doctor asks him to pull his pants down to check his crotch area. The man quickly warns him about the fact that he has 5 penises. Confused, the doctor asks the man how his underwear fits. The man says that they fit like a glove. | 1,941 |
If you dress up a pug like gru from despicable me You get a group hug. | 1,942 |
I really need to get something off my chest It’s your mom. Get the crane. | 1,943 |
New quarantine pickup line: Hey baby, just call me COVID-19, because I want to be inside you for 14 days without you knowing.
Was told this was inappropriate at work. | 1,944 |
I was walking down my street the other day when I realised everybody's drives were full, as well as all the on street parking Looks like an outbreak of car owner virus | 1,945 |
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... In reality it's because I banged her mom. | 1,946 |
How do Russian cows say “why”? Pochemooooooo | 1,947 |
What did the rooster say upon seeing a coq au vin dish? Now I’m certain alcohol kills | 1,948 |
Should you sacrifice yourself whilst trying to escape a burning building, or put your life before someone else's? It doesn't matter, no one will ever speak to you after the incident either way. | 1,949 |
How do bodybuilders combat coronavirus? Whey Isolate | 1,950 |
What's the point of the quarantine? We are all going to die from a meteor in April anyway. | 1,951 |
My girlfriend's brother had a baby. You want aunts? 'Cause that's how you get aunts. | 1,952 |
Anyone else feel like this covid thing is like the fast and the furious? No one really knows why we got so many sequels.... but they're really.started to get bad | 1,953 |
Knock knock Who’s there?
Beer.
Beer who?
Beer dear and open the door please. | 1,954 |
PSA: check Expiry dates My grocery store was out of my favorite OJ, so I had to buy an off brand. It was TERRIBLE. Upon taking a closer look, the expiration date was March 11!
I suppose I could blame the grocery store, for failing to check & rotate store shelves. But those folks are under a lot of stress right now. So, I only have my shelf to blame. | 1,955 |
I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform. She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread! | 1,956 |
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore. | 1,957 |
What do pirates consider the C word? Landlubber | 1,958 |
Why are all sea shanties sung and not spoken? because sea rap is crap | 1,959 |
I love you. "I love you, Mom."
"What?"
"I love you, Mom."
"I heard you the first time, I just wanted to hear it again." | 1,960 |
There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months In 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens. | 1,961 |
A performer on stage asks his audience if anyone there has ever seen a ghost. Some people in the audience raise their hand.
The performer continues and asks if anyone present had ever spoken to a ghost.
Only a few people raise their hand.
The performer then asks if anyone in the audience has ever had sexual relations with a ghost.
An old man at the back of the audience raises his hand and so the performer repeats "sir you had sex with a ghost"
To which the old man replies " oh sorry, i thought you said goat" | 1,962 |
To all patients infected with COVID-19 I know times are tough and you're going through a lot now but always remember this during this dark hours:
Stay positive. | 1,963 |
Is sex work? A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
"pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work .
A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the
time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them." | 1,964 |
Jesus needs to get back on the cross And take one for the team | 1,965 |
Advice from scientist who spent moths in solitude in South Pole. It's OK to talk to penguins. You need to worry when they start to talk to you back. | 1,966 |
Boris Johnson has just tested positive for corona virus. He’s been placed on the new Dyson ventilator we are pleased to say he’s picking up nicely. | 1,967 |
What do John Cena and my son have in common. I can't see both of them. | 1,968 |
Husbands and fathers are like God in only one way Nobody listens. | 1,969 |
I know why there is so much incest in Alabama. Since you can’t serve on a jury for a family member, you can avoid jury duty by being related to everybody | 1,970 |
Me: You're so sweet Girl: How's that?
Me: cause you as thicc as syrup | 1,971 |
What do we call people’s longer hair due to the virus? Frovid-19 | 1,972 |
Why doesn’t Bernie Sanders like hand sanitizer? Because it protects the 0.01% | 1,973 |
Dealerships are having a great sale right now I keep hearing about a model year end Covid19 close out event | 1,974 |
I asked a blonde if my indicator was working the other day... She said, "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no." | 1,975 |
"The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?" "Of course we will. We're Progressive." | 1,976 |
What do lesbians and turtles have in common? They both choke on plastic... | 1,977 |
If you get an e-mail from the CDC about tins of pork being contaminated with COVID-19, don’t open it. It’s Spam. | 1,978 |
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19... Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician? | 1,979 |
The girlfriend joke Nevermind, you wouldn't get it | 1,980 |
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. | 1,981 |
A farmer had three daughters, all of whom had dates on the same night. The first date knocks on the door and says to the farmer,
“Hello, I’m Eddy and I’m here to take Betty out for a plate of spaghetti.”
The farmer lets them go.
The next date comes to the door and says,
“Hello, I’m Beau and I’m here to take Flo to the show.”
The farmer lets them go.
The third date comes to the door and says,
“Hello, I’m Chuck...”
So the farmer shot him. | 1,982 |
He asked: how do you feel about sex? She replied: well I like it infrequently.
He said: is that one word or two? | 1,983 |
A woman asks her husband where he’s taking them for their 20th anniversary “To Japan,” replies her husband.
“Oh my! That’s wonderful!” said the woman with extreme joy. She then asked, “and where will you take us for our 30th anniversary?”
“I’ll go pick you up.” | 1,984 |
Day 5 of quarantine: fought with myself I’m not talking to me | 1,985 |
I'd like to thank my dad for coming... Without him I wouldn't be here | 1,986 |
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. | 1,987 |
What do you call a pear grown in the arctic? A polar pear. | 1,988 |
Why did caveman drag their woman by the hair? Because if they dragged them by their feet they’d fill up with dirt! | 1,989 |
My Prophecy class just got cancelled Due to unforeseen circumstances | 1,990 |
Mike Bloomberg, The Farmer As I sit here thankful that Mike Bloomberg is no longer in the running I can't help but to think about the comment he made about being able to teach anyone to be a farmer in ten minutes.
Well Mikey I can teach anyone how to be a politician in one minute, just stand next to any hard working American citizen, reach into his pockets and grab as much as you can, then blame Donald Trump. | 1,991 |
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver!
*drops mic* | 1,992 |
My wife is a nurse practitioner and was laid off today. I couldn't be happier. | 1,993 |
Toilet paper hoarding mystery has been solved. When one person sneezes nine shit themselves. | 1,994 |
Flatten the curve Of life expectancy | 1,995 |
I once tried my hand at flash photography... I still don’t have a picture of him. | 1,996 |
What's the similarity between life and a Spiderman movie? Both ends in the graveyard. | 1,997 |
In today's news, the Corona Virus has struck again infecting almost all of India. They are now Indian Pale Ails. | 1,998 |
I threw a boomerang a few years ago, and it never came back. Now I live in constant fear. | 1,999 |
The United States just surpassed China in total number of cases of Coronavirus worldwide. At least now we can say we're number one in the world at something. | 2,000 |
Why can’t the Pope be cremated? Because he’s alive | 2,001 |
Want to know why everyone drinks alcohol? Because blow is fucking expensive | 2,002 |
Parish Priest The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a B#tch fish!'
'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B#tch!'
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a B#tch I've ever seen'
'Yes, it is a big Son of a B#tch. What should I do with it?'
'Why, eat it, of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a B#tch!'
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
'Take a look at this big Son of a B#tch I caught!'
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B#tch fish!'
'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B#tch?'
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B#tch for his dinner.
'I'll even clean the Son of a B#tch', she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
'What are you doing Sister?'
'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B#tch for the new Bishop's Dinner'
'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B#tch Fish.'
'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a B#tch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a B#tch.'
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
'I caught that Son of a B#tch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
'And I cleaned the Son of a B#tch!' exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a B#tch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You mother f---ers are my kind of people!'
Reply | 2,003 |
I really made my spouse angry when I opened the shower curtain and yelled "peek a boobs!" He says he's been going to the gym and I really need to be more supportive. | 2,004 |
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