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Rich man and poor man.
A rich man and a poor man were sitting in a bar after a long of day of Birthday shopping for the wife. The rich man was kind of loud and full of himself and was feeling pretty good too.. He started small talk with the poor man next him and thought he’d show off a bit.
He said, “I’m so rich, I’m going to make my wife soo happy tmro. I got here TWO presents!”
Poor man says “ oh yeah... that’s nice, what?”
Rich man “ I got her shinny new corvette, and if she doesn’t like that, I got her a diamond necklace!” “How about that?!!!”
Poor man thought to himself for second and said “ you know what, I also got my wife two presents as well.”
Rich man scoffed “ oh yeah!”
Poor man “ yeah, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo”
Rich man, “ you got her what?”
Poor man “ yeah, I got her a pair of slippers, and if she doesn’t like that, she can go Phuc herself!” | 2,005 |
What do you call the slums in Italy? Spaghetto | 2,006 |
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip | 2,007 |
What type of milk did Lewis Hamilton feed his babies? The formula one | 2,008 |
Why should you not drink water during chemistry class? Coz it decreases your concentration. | 2,009 |
I went to my ex’s funeral she died in a crash her parents ask if I could so I did as they were closing the casket I saw her one last time. Let’s just call it an Xbox | 2,010 |
The US wants to keep the first place in every field, making China quite nervous. Even in the confirmed cases of coronavirus. | 2,011 |
A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it... Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?
Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?
Man: Will you just try the soup.
Waiter: Is it too hot?
Man: Will you just try the soup
Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?
Man: Will you just try the damned soup son
Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...
Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP!
Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.
Man: Exactly. | 2,012 |
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven. When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma." | 2,013 |
A GUY GOES TO SEE HIS PSYCHIATRIST DRESSED ONLY IN BUBBLE WRAP. WHEN HE GETS THERE HE ASKED THE PSYCH, CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME? THE PSYCH SAYS NO, I’M SORRY, I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOUR NUTS. | 2,014 |
What is the difference between a circus and Amsterdam One is a cunning array of stunts, the other is a stunning array of cunts | 2,015 |
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000." | 2,016 |
What do you call it when you sleep with a random Mexican? Juan night stand | 2,017 |
When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures." | 2,018 |
Why does the U.S have the Starbucks closed but not Dunkin Donuts during the virus outbreak? Because everyone knows that America runs on Dunkin'. | 2,019 |
Old man and the prostitute [NSFW] A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.
She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"
The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."
Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... "
Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.
When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...."
"...pay you" replied the old man. | 2,020 |
Why are there so many annoying characters in the Star Wars series? George Lucas left the door ajar jar. | 2,021 |
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!" | 2,022 |
If a snake who is on reddit has to comment a repost, how would it do it? Repossssssssst | 2,023 |
If a snake who is on reddit has to comment a repost, how would it do it? Repossssssssst | 2,024 |
I know it sucks but at least i tried My ex worked at a delivery company but working made her hungry, so i got groceries and *Fed ex* | 2,025 |
You should make like the coronavirus And get all over this hard surface. | 2,026 |
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
"What colour?" she asked.
He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked.
"Twenty-four dollars."
"Expensive, but ok," he thought.
All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears? | 2,027 |
I'm exhausted. Just came back from the hospital. My girlfriend was in a bad way. Tonight the doctors told me that she urgently needed a blood transfusion and I had no idea what blood type she was. Obviously she saw my panic, and god bless her, with her last breath she reassured me by saying, "Be positive. Be positive." For her, I was. I'll miss her | 2,028 |
Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with her. He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him.
The doctor said, "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she may die happy."
Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a great idea. He went in and they talked for about 3 hours.
After awhile he asked her if there was anything that he could do for her. She thought for a little bit and said, "Make love to me. Eat my pussy.... Fuck me like you never have before..."
He thought this was a little much in her condition, but since It might be one of the last times he sees her he decided to comply.
The next day he came in, and her doctor said that she was much better, and he should do whatever he did yesterday.
Well.. he walked in and they talked, and she requested they make passionate love again, and again he complied.
After about 5 days of this she had fully recovered, and was able to go home. She walked into the living room to find that Joe was crying.
She said, "What's the matter? I'm fine now. You have nothing to worry about."
He replied, "I know, but all this time I can't stop thinking that I should have saved your sister." | 2,029 |
A black kid, white kid, Mexican kid, and Asian kid go to school. Who's the school shooter? .
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The guy with the gun
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But I like the way you think | 2,030 |
Alabama Where family affairs are family affairs. | 2,031 |
Was thinking about making a joke about COVID19... But I don't want it to go viral | 2,032 |
Coronavirus outbreak is actually good news for America. School shooting incidents decrease drammatically in 2020. | 2,033 |
As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned into butterflies... That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass. | 2,034 |
A Lady Pregnant with Triplets walks down the street A Lady Pregnant with Triplets walks down the street and while passing a store a robber comes running out and shoots her 3 times in the stomach. She is rushed off to hospital and the doctor evaluates the situation and says the babies are fine and he opts not to operate on the kids as she could lose them.
So 16 years later, the first daughter comes into the room crying and the mother asks whats wrong. She narrates to the mother that she was taking a pee and a bullet fell out, the mother understands and comforts the daughter and tells the daughter the story of 16 years ago
A week later the second daughter comes into the room crying and the mother asks whats wrong, the second daughter also narrates the experience of taking a pee and a bullet fell out. Mother again comforts her daughter and tells the story of 16 years ago
A week later the son comes into the room crying and the mother immediately comforts him and says let me guess you were taking a pee and a bullet fell out? To which the son replies no mom... I was taking a wank and I shot the dog. | 2,035 |
Good news, you can't get infected if you don't have a license... It's only a car-ownavirus | 2,036 |
Corona cases in North Korea are represented in binary. Number of cases is either 1 or 0 | 2,037 |
An elderly Sicilian with only one arm needs to fill out a form that asks for his disability. What disability does he fill in the form? Speech impairment. | 2,038 |
Don't believe what your school bully tells you. Always take it with a grain of assault. | 2,039 |
Why are blind men often married to quite beautiful women? Murphy's law. | 2,040 |
Are you a mask? Because I want you on my face. | 2,041 |
What do you call a very small bottle of soda? Minnesota. | 2,042 |
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. | 2,043 |
What is the best way to loose weight and keep it off? Become an amputee | 2,044 |
I was so high last night that when I saw the first lightning strike out my window, I thought someone was taking pictures of me masturbating. | 2,045 |
Then there was the handicapped honors student in our school. Since kindergarten his dad had given him a quarter and a pat on the head for each A he got. By the time he graduated, he had $500 in the bank and a flat head. | 2,046 |
A trip to the zoo Mom: Did you have a good time at the zoo today, Junior?
Junior: Yes I did. Dad liked it too. Especially when one of the animals came in at twenty-to-one! | 2,047 |
Man needs some talcum powder Customer: Do you have talcum powder?
Pharmacist: Yes sir. Please walk this way.
Customer: If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder! | 2,048 |
Post Malone has canceled his tour. Does that make him postpone malone?
Btw, did you notice this is a rePOST? | 2,049 |
In America everything is bigger Even the amount of Corona cases. | 2,050 |
If April showers bring mayflowers, what do mayflowers bring? Pilgrims | 2,051 |
What's the name of Charlie Sheen's favorite porn movie? Two and a Half Men | 2,052 |
I can't even. Explains why I'm odd. | 2,053 |
Did you hear about the bank robbers who managed to evade the police but lost one of their associates from the northern UK? They got away scot-free | 2,054 |
The world wide quarantines harm wildlife The WWF reports that the party animal has already gone extinct. | 2,055 |
I think the Stimulus Package is a sick April Fools joke. It’s a Stimu-LIE!!! | 2,056 |
I was talking to my girl the other day, and I told her I came up with a poetic analogy for our relationship. “You’re like my phone case,” I told her.
“Aww, what does that mean?”
“I paid $20 just to fuck you up.” | 2,057 |
Stop saying your life is a joke! A joke has meaning. | 2,058 |
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom? Imprisonment up to 15 years in an international detainment facility. | 2,059 |
Why was the tomato red? Cause it saw the salad dressing. | 2,060 |
How many jokes about Indian food do you know? Naan. | 2,061 |
Put this with the song from the Lego Movie "Everything Is Awesome" Everything is cancelled,
everything is cancelled 'cause of COVID-19,
Everything is cancelled,
Because of quarantine.
You're welcome | 2,062 |
In the movie cars everyone's eyes are on their windshield, but what about their headlights. Headlights are for their blushing cheeks.
Like when they blush the headlights turn on.
And they always blush RIDING in the night....ALWAYS | 2,063 |
A bunch of Two's walked into a bar and everybody hated on them for no reason. Did I say two's? Sorry, I meant Jews. | 2,064 |
Donald Trump: Melania, I've been so good today, everyone is saying so. Not one sweet has passed my beautiful puckered lips. I'm doing so so good ont diet. Melania: Stop lying to me, Donald. I saw you eating a cupcake just a few minutes ago.
Donald: No no no! You have it all wrong. I've been so good, no one has ever been gooder than me. I'm the goodliest boy in the whole world!
Melania: The crumbs are still in your teeth and on your lap! How do you explain that?
Donald: It's a lie! A horrible lie! The cupcake. It was a hoaxtess! | 2,065 |
A barely NSFW joke for ya! Whats the most sensitive body part when your masturbating?
Your ears. | 2,066 |
Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day. Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year! | 2,067 |
I feel bad for Jehovah's Witnesses It must be hard for them to stay home and mind their fucking business. | 2,068 |
What's a dinosaur which recently had anal called? A Mega-sore-ass. | 2,069 |
The quarantine isn't funny to a lot of people... It's an inside joke. | 2,070 |
My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."
She responded, "How 'bout now?" | 2,071 |
I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp. Can I get an F in the chat guys? | 2,072 |
What do you call a clairvoyant dwarf on the run? A small medium at large.
Disclaimer: like everything on this sub, this was stolen from elsewhere | 2,073 |
What was Hitler's, Stalin's, and Pol Pot's favorite drink? Genocider | 2,074 |
Today, My wife told me she was leaving me while I did the laundry Man, was that a downy | 2,075 |
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules. | 2,076 |
If I had a nickel every time I was confused I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from? | 2,077 |
So I was was walking through the grocery store When I noticed, that the spice spice section had a free sample section where you could smell the herbs. Being curious, I decided to try it out. I found one herb particularly intriguing. One of them would smell divine, where as the other would smell like dumpster truck on fire.
I guess they had the best of thymes and the worst of thymes. | 2,078 |
Waiter: How did you find your food sir?? Waiter: How did you find your food sir??
Me: It was actually good.
Waiter: Well you know exactly that's not what I mean
Me: Well the other waiter told me where you hid it. | 2,079 |
The German chancellor Angela Merkel is asked why she isn't afraid of the coronavirus: "Is it because you have the most ICUs?" "No," she replies, "it's because we have the biggest crematoria." | 2,080 |
My doctor asked me what my blood type was, I said O- He asked, "Are you sure?"
I said, "Oh, I'm positive!" | 2,081 |
I don't have enough bandwidth to connect to PornHub Now my Fitbit will think I'm lazy | 2,082 |
Coronavirus too our jobs! It took er jerbs!!
Tookerjebss!!! | 2,083 |
Why does Tony the Tiger eat Frosted Flakes? Cause it's cold in Siberia. | 2,084 |
No woman I cry Q: What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
A: Poookkkeeeemmooonnn | 2,085 |
A plane joke There are five people on a plane, a professor, the CEO of a big tech company, a king of a small country, a priest, and a young boy. The plane is losing altitude very fast and there are 4 parachutes on board. The professor proclaims that he should have one because he is important because he needs to teach the next generation so he takes one and jump. The CEO says that he needs one because he is about to make a huge breakthrough that could bring humanity forward hundreds of years so he takes one and jumps. The king proclaims that he needs one because his people and country would be doomed without him so he jumps off with the parachute. The priest notice that there was only one parishute left and throws it off the plane. The boy yells "what have you done now where both going to die" the priest whispers "don't worry" while taking off his shirt and he said "their gone now you can head to the Vatican" | 2,086 |
I'll never marry a tennis player Love means nothing to them | 2,087 |
Girl, you can’t spell virus... ...without U and I. | 2,088 |
So this crazy old guy starts ranting at me today... He tells me that "this is all Obama's fault because of the avian swine flu!"
I walked away thinking, "I'll believe that when pigs fly." | 2,089 |
Girl, you can’t spell quarantine.., ...without U-R-A-Q-T | 2,090 |
Why did John Cena's porn career failed? According to the cameramen of pornhub, he started great but when it was time to do the money shot, no one could ever see him coming. | 2,091 |
Cows and corona People! Cow poop fights corona! How you wonder?
When you wake up tomorrow morning, dip your hands into cow poop. If you walk outside, you’ll get more than 6 feet of social distancing, nobody will want to talk to you, and you’re definitely going to wash your hands before you eat (I hope). So, go on, elbow deep. | 2,092 |
Dating a blind woman is easy, You know they won't be seeing anyone else. | 2,093 |
Whats the difference between a TJ Maxx/Marshalls and goodwill? The smell | 2,094 |
Why has Queen Elizabeth II still not contract COVID-19? Because she drinks immortali-tea! | 2,095 |
The pharmacist handed Trump a bottle of sand. Bristling with irritation, Trump demanded: "What on earth are you trying to sell me?"
Unruffled, the pharmacist said: "That's sand sanitizer..." | 2,096 |
Knock knock Who's there?
Water
Water who?
Water you doing stepbro | 2,097 |
Why do girl scout cookies taste so good? child labor | 2,098 |
Everyone in Southern California goes to the beach and starts cussing at each other. After that they all lay down (6 feet apart) to get a tan, then they break into song. It’s good to see SoCal dis tan sing. | 2,099 |
NSFW Rooster likes to fuck. OK so there's this farmer and he has a rooster, and this rooster loves to fuck. The farmer comes out of the house one morning and finds all his chickens have been fucked to death by this rooster. He says to the rooster, "if you don't stop fucking like this you're going to kill yourself" . The rooster says, "nah man, you're crazy, ain't nothing wrong with fucking" . The next day comes and the farmer goes outside and all his cows have been fucked to death by the rooster again. He goes up to the rooster and tells him again, "if you don't stop fucking like this you're going to kill yourself" . The rooster responds the same way, "no way, you're crazy, ain't nothing wrong with fucking". This goes on a few more days til all the horses, the pigs, even the dog, had been fucked to death. The farmer thinking that everything will calm down now is shocked, when he goes out the next day and see buzzards circling in the sky. He runs towards them and sees the rooster stretched out on the ground. He falls to his knees and says, "damn it rooster I told you that all that fucking was going to kill you"! The rooster opens one eye, points toward the sky, "shhhh pussy". | 2,100 |
Arab A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body," said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?"
His father replied, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shit? | 2,101 |
What does Richard Curtis have in common with a group of 30 people? They make up Four Weddings and a Funeral | 2,102 |
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?" | 2,103 |
Apparently, Antarctica doesn’t have any cases of Covid-19 yet. I suspect it’s because they’re so ice-o-lated. | 2,104 |
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