text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
|---|---|
A man and women are talking The man, an older gentleman, possibly British in descent, says to the woman, "Ay bruv, ya see that crumpets on tha table over there?"
The woman is confused, "But sir there is no table anywhere."
The man replies, "why blimey ya just might be right. I have had visions of crumpets ever since the accident"
The women taken aback now, "oh dear! That sounds terrible. What happened?"
"Ay, I accidentally saw a table with crumpets on it" | 3,010 |
A perfect cure for corona: Tell corona that you are serious, you love it and that you want to spend the rest of your life with corona. You will not hear from corona ever again. | 3,011 |
4 British men go on a fishing trip However, the boat ends up getting stranded into nowhere before crashing into an island.
All the men are starving, and one eventually dies due to this. The 3 other men decide to eat their friend in order to survive and scramble over which part they will eat.
One of the men exclaims “Alright, there’s only one way of settling this. We must eat a body part depending on the team we support. So I support Liverpool, I’ll eat the liver.”
A second man says “I support Hearts, so I’ll eat the heart.”
The third man says “OH NO, I SUPPORT ARSENAL!” | 3,012 |
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day But look at me now, I'm saving the world. | 3,013 |
The Dads were wrong... None of us had 2020 vision going into this year! | 3,014 |
I haven't told my wife that I'm an objectophilic pyromaniac... .. but I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. | 3,015 |
What do you call a zebra without stripes An albino horse | 3,016 |
Thirty-second olympics postponed. I didn’t realise there were that many sports you could do in thirty seconds? | 3,017 |
Two aliens are talking about a desolate planet Earth... The first alien asks : " How did all the humans die?"
The second alien says : "They used so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out." | 3,018 |
A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room. The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?' | 3,019 |
I got a job as a janitor at a casino It's a lot of shit to deal with | 3,020 |
My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize. And now, with this coronavirus thing... | 3,021 |
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that he had a dream... In that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.
"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.
"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket." | 3,022 |
Aren't you the son of the goatf*cker? Neehehe...! | 3,023 |
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears 9 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian | 3,024 |
When a male ISIS terrorist go to heaven, they meet 10.000 virgins. They are all male ISIS terrorists. | 3,025 |
I told my husband I made a yeast bread in 30 minutes.... He asked for proof. | 3,026 |
A guy is really thirsty Walking home, this guy is really thirsty wants to have a beer, walks into the first bar he sees, realizes it’s a gay bar, but still wants the beer, so goes to the bar and says to the bartender can i get a beer. Bartender says ok, but first you have to tell me the name of your penis, you know mine is Nike, you know Just Do It, the guy thinks for a second, still wants the beer and then says to the bartender, mine is Secret, you know strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. | 3,027 |
Does Taylor Swift wipe after going poo? No, she just shakes it off.
PS: please share the tp everyone. | 3,028 |
I have finally completed my PhD in Literary Criticism... And I beg you not to speak of the irony. | 3,029 |
A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins. Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.
A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, they say, just grab one, it's what we do. After a while, he warms to the idea and makes them promise not to laugh at him. Solemnly, they all promise not too.
Around dusk that night, he takes their advice and sure enough sees a couple of them out there. But when he returns to camp, they're all rolling around laughing at him. Incensed, he yells, "but you *promised!*" To which they reply, "we didn't know you'd pick the *ugliest one!* | 3,030 |
What is the oldest age at which someone can get a circumcision? I just want to know the cut-off date. | 3,031 |
A plane is landing and slams into the ground a bit roughly... The Captain comes on the intercom. “Ladies and Gentleman, on behalf of the entire crew we would like to apologize for the rough landing you just experienced.”
“However, I want to ensure you that it was not my fault.”
“Additionally, it was not the co-pilot’s fault either.”
“It was the asphalt.” | 3,032 |
A nazi walks into a bar He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!"
The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!"
Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction.
The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".
The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving.
Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"
The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar" | 3,033 |
Honey you are exhibiting the signs of Covid-19, I observed the symptoms when I went down on you and there was a new sudden lack of taste or smell. | 3,034 |
You know why social distancing is 6’? The ladies prefer it | 3,035 |
PSA: During the Coronavirus outbreak be sure to practice safe sex by using.... The doggy style position.
In case your woman starts coughing, she will be facing the wall. | 3,036 |
Since working out and getting a better job women no longer avoid me like the plague Now they avoid me like Covid - 19 | 3,037 |
Trump recommends taking chloroquine phosphate. Anyone who listens will be given a posthumous degree in biology from Trump University and a guarantee the Coronavirus will not kill them. | 3,038 |
Yo Mama So Fat,... She must self quarntine in two different houses. | 3,039 |
Costco is out of Cat Litter. Are people getting that desperate? | 3,040 |
Alien1: So how did the earthlings die? Alien2: They had so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out! | 3,041 |
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate I now live in constant fear | 3,042 |
Apparently Zombies don't care about eating brains They want to buy toilet paper. | 3,043 |
I have broken something inside my body that sounded important but I can’t afford to go to work the doctors. I guess I’m broke. | 3,044 |
A guy got an Interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay $20
Boss: welcome on board | 3,045 |
Yo mama so fat. She has more chins than a Chinese phone book | 3,046 |
Don't step out! Be careful when you step outside home, recession is around every corner! | 3,047 |
What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's? You get to laugh at all the reposts on this sub, every time. | 3,048 |
I got caught masturbating with a pickle. I was Gherkin off | 3,049 |
An English gentleman was waiting at a bus stop... ...standing next to him was a very attractive woman in a very short dress. A sudden breeze caused her dress to fly up revealing she had no panties on. The English gentleman witnessed this and being a bit flustered said, "Bit airy, isn't it"
The woman replied, "What were you expecting? Feathers?" | 3,050 |
Since we're all stuck at home during this plague, I decided to take an online course in running a funeral home. I'm majoring in Necronomics. | 3,051 |
The little builder A cute golden-haired pre-schooler notices that they are building a house next door, and she starts hanging around the site and asking the builders about everything they are doing. They think she's adorable, so they find her a little hard hat and hi-vis, and they set her up in a corner of the yard with a pile of sand and a hosepipe to play with. Every so often one of the builders goes over with a bucket and asks her to "mix up some cement" for them, and she comes back every day for a week so on Friday they all put a pound in an envelope and they tell her it's her "wages", and when her Mummy sees it they go off to the post office to open her first savings account.
The post office lady asks where she got all this money from, and the little girl explains that she has been building a house. "That's nice, will you be building one next week as well?" asks the post office lady. "Yes," says the little girl, "if those wankers at Jewson get their fingers out of their arses in time to get the shit to us by ten, otherwise we might as well all fuck off down the pub." | 3,052 |
I Have no problem admitting when I am wrong. Like that one time I got married. | 3,053 |
My boss says he can't afford to pay me during this pandemic... But luckily he says I can work for exposure. | 3,054 |
I think I have fallen for Corona Virus It took my breath away. | 3,055 |
I spilled my cerveza in my laptop last night Now it has a coronavirus | 3,056 |
I should have checked.... Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Whiteout.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction!. | 3,057 |
I don't understand why my girlfriend complains about how long I last in bed. Twenty seconds of washing my hands felt like an eternity. | 3,058 |
What do you call deer that like having sex in public? Elkhibitionists | 3,059 |
What did Kim Jong Un say when his father died? His Korea was over!!! | 3,060 |
A cowboy gets captured by American Indians They take him to a teepee and tie him up and say in three days you will die. Each day we will grant you one request. Today is day one. What is your first request?
The cowboy simply says, “I want to talk to my horse.”
The Indian says okay, brings his horse. The cowboy whispers something in the horses ear and then the horse begins to Gallop away. At sunset, the horse returns with a beautiful brunette woman on his back. The Cowboys shrugs, takes the woman into the TEepee and make passionate love to her all night.
On the second day, the Indian asked the cowboy what his second request is and the cowboy simply says, “I want to talk to my horse.“
He whispers something in the horses ear and the horse takes off and returns at sunset except this time he has a beautiful blonde woman. The Cowboy shrugs and takes the woman into the TEepee.
on the third and final morning the Indian comes to the cowboy and says today is your last request, what would you like?
The cowboy simply says, I just want to talk to my horse. When the horse arrives the cowboy goes up to it and instead of whispering in his ear looks the horse right in the eyes and says “God dammit, I said posse!” | 3,061 |
(NSFW) So I bought some new male chickens to put on my farm. I just got them home today. It was a successful cock transplant. | 3,062 |
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive... It's called a wedding cake. | 3,063 |
"You've been diagnosed with cancer and alzheimers" "Well, at least I don't have cancer" | 3,064 |
What do you call a pregnant Lara Croft's husband? A Womb Raider!!!
PS: Quarantine = Time for Dad jokes | 3,065 |
Good Girls, Bad Girls and Naughty Girls Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don’t wear any
Naughty girls don’t really give a shit
Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don’t say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.
(Saw this from a 2003 mail forwarding chain when I was cleaning my yahoo mail) | 3,066 |
I was told my soul is going to Hell. It isn't like the burn could make it much blacker | 3,067 |
How do you get a squirrel down a tree? Pull down your pants and show him your nuts | 3,068 |
The kids in my neighborhood are so rich They are still TPing houses. | 3,069 |
A farmer went to the farmers market to sell some chickens and a duck. He had a few chickens to sell along with his pet duck he was quite fond of.
By the end of the day, he’s sold all, but one of his chickens so he started to pack up his stand along with his pet duck.
As he’s packing up for the day, a little old woman comes up and says, “I’m just a poor widow and it would mean the world to me if I had a chicken so I’d have eggs for food.”
The farmer figured he had plenty of chickens back at the farm and it had been a profitable day. He kindly gave her the chicken.
A well dressed gentlemen saw this and didn’t want to pass up on a potential opportunity. He approached the farmer as well and declared, “I’m afraid I’m all out of money for the day, but I saw you give the old woman a chicken and wondered if you’d be willing to part with the duck as well. I’d love to have a good duck for dinner tonight.”
The farmer replied, “I don’t give a duck.” | 3,070 |
Even The Proclaimers have been affected by the coronavirus The government has urged them to restrict their walk to 5 miles | 3,071 |
Interesting how there aren’t any cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica Must be because of ice-o-lation | 3,072 |
When I was a boy, my dad told me the great thing about America is that anyone could be elected a governor, senator, or even the President! I'm starting to believe him. | 3,073 |
Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club Thank you all for coming. | 3,074 |
It must be tough being a standup comedian these days.... Because of the quarantine, they can only tell inside jokes. | 3,075 |
Why did the musician never play quietly? Pianissimo wasn't his forte. | 3,076 |
Short Story A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied. | 3,077 |
A person was standing in line to get tested for COVID-19 A person was standing in line to get tested for COVID-19. He waited all afternoon and got fed up. Losing his patience He told the person in front of him,"Hold my place in line, I'm going to shoot Trump." The person then left,later in the evening when the person returned,the man holding his place asked,"Did you shoot Trump?".
He said," No the line was longer there." | 3,078 |
Melons A gynecologist at a convention takes the podium and says -gentlemen I wish to announce an amazing discovery,I’ve recently discovered a clitoris that resembles a watermelon
Impossible shouts a fellow gynecologist-no clitoris could be that big
Actually says the speaker I was talking about the taste | 3,079 |
Self isolation is like a Norwegian prison it's nice but you're not allowed to leave the building. | 3,080 |
A notice from the Psychiatric Association Dear citizens,
During the QUARANTINE time it is considered normal to talk to your plants and pots.
Kindly contact us only if they reply. | 3,081 |
A Roman walks into a bar A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “5 beers please” | 3,082 |
I beat my wife. That was the punchline. | 3,083 |
Dave was walking along the beach and saw a beautiful lamp wash up. He rubbed it and a marvelous Genie popped out and his mother-in-law, Cathy, appeared.
The Genie stated, you have three wishes, but be careful what you wish for.. and whatever you get, your mother-in-law will get double. Cathy snickered at him and started rubbing her hands together. "It's about time you contributed to this family, Dave."
Dave rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath to her. He turned to the Genie and said, "I wish for 100 million dollars!" The Genie snapped his fingers and suddenly a massive mound of cash appeared... but Cathy's mound was twice as big and she said, "Dave you idiot, why not wish for a billion dollars or a trillion dollars. I should have known you'd screw this up."
Again, Dave rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. "For my second wish, I want to be the most powerful man in the world!" The Genie snapped his fingers and said, done, but now Cathy is twice as powerful as you."
Cathy snickered and said, "Well the halfwit got one right. I'll straighten you out yet."
Dave again rolled his eyes and started cursing under his breath... then a smile came across his face. "For my final wish, I wish for you to beat me half to death." | 3,084 |
Every one is complaining about social distancing.. ...but it's fine. Over time, it will become social speeding. | 3,085 |
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't matter. They still reject the light. | 3,086 |
Today I feel like a million bucks... I've lost all my interest in the stock market. | 3,087 |
A young man buys a brand-new bike He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and rides off on his new best friend.
After 300 kilometres of touring fun, his bike begins to stutter and eventually breaks down. The man finds himself in the middle of nowhere and walks to the nearest farm. The farmer, who is working outside on the land, greets him and asks if he stays for dinner, awaiting the truck who'll pick up his bike for reparation. Eagerly the man agrees.
Inside he meets the farmers wife and their beautiful daughter. When he walks into the kitchen, he's astounded by the biggest pile of dirty dishes he has ever seen. 'We have one dinner rule', the farmer says. 'Whoever speaks during dinner, has to do the dishes.'
Dinner is served and everyone is enjoying the meal in total silence. When desert comes, the farmers daughter takes off her top, and starts frisking the man. In about two minutes they are making love, right there on the table. Nobody utters a word.
After they finish, the farmers wife gets under the table, and blows the man like he's never been blown before. Right after she climbs on his lap, and rides him like a bull. Still, nobody has said a word.
When she's done, the man lights a sigarette and peeks out of the window. He notices it's started drizzling outside, and remembers his bike is out in the open. He jolts up, grabs the vaseline and bolts to the front door, only to find it locked.
He sprints back into the kitchen, making wild armgestures to the farmer, pointing outside, to the door and to his tiny jar of vaseline. The farmer, white with fear, then says: 'Allright allright, I'll do the dishes!' | 3,088 |
What do you call an orphans family photo? A selfie | 3,089 |
Why is a Corona virus nurse like an Ayatollah preaching to 14 years olds? They both deal with quarantines.
(Qur'an teens, for the guy in the back who was just about to type WTF.) | 3,090 |
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia It's the fear of long words. | 3,091 |
2 dudes sitting in a hot tub, 6 feet apart cuz they're not treating this like some kind of joke. they're taking social distancing very seriously in attempt to stop the spread of this virus. | 3,092 |
A tooth brush sales man with a speech impediment (named Tom) Goes to the annual toothbrush convention and see the best tooth brush salesman making a speech. After the speech Tom goes up to the best salesman and asks how he did it. The salesman replies “you need a gimmick”
“a gimmick? “
The next year at the tooth brush convention Tom is giving the speech as the best tooth brush salesman. last years best salesman asks how he did it and Tom replies “I got a gimmick” after lots of pleading from last years best salesman Tom says “ ok I’ll tell you, I would sell chips and dip, after someone tried som they would say It tastes like shit I would say it is shit, wanna buy a toothbrush? | 3,093 |
Army soldiers can't comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement. But everyone in the Navy can fathom it. | 3,094 |
Putin calls Trump and tells him "Donald, I saw a strange dream... I saw America, all this beautiful country you know... And on every house I saw a poster."
"And what was written on the posters?", Trump asked.
"The United States of Russia."
Trump says, "You know, Vladimir, I'm very glad you called. Believe me or not, but last night I also saw a dream... I saw a great Moscow, and it was even more beautiful than it is now, happy people everywhere and there was a huge poster on every house."
"What was written on the posters?", Putin asked.
Trump replied, "I do not know. I can't read Ukrainian." | 3,095 |
Yo momma so stupid...... She thinks a "Fruit roll up" is a gay drive by...... | 3,096 |
Why would an actor want to break a leg? Becuase the set always has a cast | 3,097 |
A get away on my cake day! Quarantine | 3,098 |
The Germans never mess around with things Even their humor is no laughing matter. | 3,099 |
I was fired from my job for giving 110 per cent Apparently if you’re a cashier that’s ‘fraud.’ | 3,100 |
"It's been a slow week" Said the guy holding a Free Hugs sign | 3,101 |
Statistically speaking 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy | 3,102 |
A man saw a real-life pirate walking down the street, and asked him what kind of leg he had. The pirate replied, "Wooden you like to know." | 3,103 |
Locksmiths still have to do their jobs, despite the current pandemic They are key workers, after all. | 3,104 |
Day 2 at Quarantine I've been unemployed for 6 months. | 3,105 |
Have you heard about the Olympics in 2020? Me neither | 3,106 |
If you're working from home on a laptop or PC, make sure you wear gloves and a face mask. You don't want to catch one of those computer viruses. | 3,107 |
With all this stress regarding the coronavirus pandemic, I’ve decided to plan a getaway to Italy for the weekend. I hear it’s really breathtaking over there! | 3,108 |
Due to the quarantine... I'll only be telling inside jokes | 3,109 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.