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This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic. Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020. | 3,110 |
What do condoms and hand soap have in common? Nobody uses them | 3,111 |
Mickey Mouse finds himself in front of a divorce hearing.. Judge " Mr. Mouse I can't see on these grounds to grant the divorce on the fact Miney Mouse is fucking silly"
Mickey Mouse " Your honor I never said she was fucking silly I said she was fucking Goofy"
One my dad loves to tell from time to time. | 3,112 |
My wife rolled a blunt using my to-do list! She is high on my list of priorities!
​
Credit to : The Chive | 3,113 |
My Doctor told me to take 2 tablets every 4 hours It got me fucking banned from PC world | 3,114 |
People are staying at home during Coronavirus That mean you can jaywalking without getting cought | 3,115 |
There are 10 types of people in this world.. Those who understand binary, and those who do not. | 3,116 |
Catholics and Christians have waited generations for Jesus' return. Little did they know that though he's been here all along. Because he's brown | 3,117 |
A former mathematician who now works as a security guard is on night watch at a prison. That night all the inmates break out. What did the guard tell his boss? “There was a Prism-break” | 3,118 |
My wife keeps saying she married an idiot but I have no idea who she's talking about | 3,119 |
Why was the animal unhappy? **Why was the dog unhappy?**
He had a ruff week.
**Why was the cat unhappy?**
His life wasn't purrfect.
**Why was the turtle unhappy?**
His brother was a shellout.
**Why was the crustacean unhappy?**
His mother's been a real crab lately.
**Why was the crawdad unhappy?**
His family was really shellfish.
**Why was the whale unhappy?**
He had no porpoise in life. | 3,120 |
Have you heard of Boyle's Law? It's a law stating that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.
Now building on top of that, have you ever heard of Cole's Law?
It's a salad dish of raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise | 3,121 |
My class was clapping at an ambulance... So the other day, me and my class mates were on a field trip and we saw a fire truck and an ambulance pass by. Then, all of a sudden,they started clapping. Why? Someone could be dying, a house could be on fire, and ya know what? They clapped. Idiots. | 3,122 |
I give 110 percent! That’s why I was fired from my job as a cashier. | 3,123 |
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar And says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the guy who shot my Pa!” | 3,124 |
Canada’s prime minster says all Canadian’s need to stay home, only leaving for groceries and medicine Ontario premier says nearly everything is essential giving Canadians reasons to leave their homes | 3,125 |
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there either. | 3,126 |
Students, for your science exam you will be required to create a vacuum. No pressure. | 3,127 |
If they close the grocery stores we’ll have to hunt for our food. I don’t even know where Doritos live. | 3,128 |
Noone in Antarctica has COVID19 because.. They are ice-o-lated. | 3,129 |
My friends laughed when I said I could be a comedian Well they aren't laughing now! | 3,130 |
My house got TP'd yesterday It's now been assessed at $875,000. | 3,131 |
What's the difference between March and May? 999 milion cases. | 3,132 |
My take on a shaggy dog story A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”
He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.
“Here you go,” says the barman, “have a chat with him yourself. He’s still for sale - five quid.”
“Hello.” Says the cat.
“Wow, you really can talk!” The man says.
“Oh yes, buy me a pint and packet of pork scratchings and I’ll tell you all about it.” So the man buys the cat a pint and some scratchies.
“It all began,” the cat begins after taking a long drink, “back in the 1860s. India, don’t you know. I was The viceroy’s pet. Went everywhere with him, watched the birth of a great nation. Marvellous really. One day I met this ancient yogi who taught me the secrets of the universe - infinite bliss, how to communicate in any language, immortality, the lot. I studied under him for weeks and weeks. Well, after that I couldn’t stay confined to the Raj for much longer and took off on an extended quest; travelled through Asia and ended up in Novograd, Russia. Beastly cold place - don’t go, take it from me. There was this tall beardy chap, Radputin or something his name was. Anyway, I convinced him it would be a grand idea to get in with the tsarina, gullible little thing but quite rich and I’d picked up a liking for caviar and bolly by then. Then I got bored again and wandered off halfway through one of their many parties.”
The cat has another deep drink and looks meaningfully at his nearly empty glass.
“Another one?” The man says.
“Splendid! So, I left the tsars and that wild eyed Georgian fellow to get on with whatever they were doing and made my way along the Danube to Central Europe. Ended up in this coffee shop in Vienna, inhabited by the strangest types. One of them, painter he said he was but they were dreadful really, took kindly to me. I tried to encourage him by shredding his papers and shitting in his shoes but he just got angrier and angrier. One day I brought him back a half dead mouse as a treat and he just flipped, started going on about “untermensch” and “filthy mausen” infesting the land. Quite put the willies up me, so I fucked off again. Luckily Avi Lieberwitz came by just at that moment to check how Ad was doing. I heard them playing about all the way down the road.
I don’t remember much of the next few years- got in with a bad crowd. I started hanging out on this airforce base and some of the yanks there sort of adopted me as a mascot. It was alright I suppose. One night I was out for a stroll when I came upon this great big wall, all grey and new. I hopped up on it to have a look and you wouldn’t believe what I saw on the other side. This whole family was there, hiding in the shadows. The man had a ladder and he placed it up against the wall and held it steady while his wife climbed up. Now I now about ladders - you’re supposed to weave in and out of the bottom rungs, making a yowling noise while it shakes and quivers. I’ve just started my routine when the man goes to kick me - I mean the nerve of him! So I hissed and spit and clawed his shins until he let go of the ladder and it fell with a crash. Then there were all these bright lights and shouting voices so I ran away before the banging started.”
The man is sitting there gobsmacked at this point.
“Ahem.”
“Oh right.” The man gestures for the barman who pours another pint for the cat.
“Go on, what happened next?”
“Really old boy? Ok. So there was this greasy fellow on the airforce base, Elvis something or other. He took me in and when he eventually finished his service he took me back to Tennessee. Great place. Good music, good food, more ladies than you can shake your tail at. Anyway I developed this irritation in my anal glands which left me walking rather oddly. I’d sort of strut, shifting my weight about so as not to leak anywhere. He thought this was great fun, we spent ages together, him with his guitar, me prowling, stiff legged across the floor in time to the beat.”
The cat stopped again.
“I’ve got to go for a slash. Watch my stuff, yeah?”
“Sure, of course!” After the cat has left he calls the barman over again. “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What a life story! And all from a real TALKING cat!”
“Mm. yeah, whatever.” The barman mutters gloomily.
“What are you talking about! This is incredible! Why does no one else know about this?” The man stops and pauses briefly, thinking hard.
“And why are you selling him so cheaply?”
The barman gives a weary sigh and plonks the glass he is polishing down on the bar. He looks over at the man.
“You wanna know why I want rid of him?”
“Yes, of course!”
“Because it’s all bullshit, he never did any of that stuff and the little prick never buys his round.” | 3,133 |
Why hoard toilet paper when there is an easy one step recipe to cook your own? Brown one side. | 3,134 |
What's the diffrence between redheads and bricks the bricks always gets laid | 3,135 |
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED ​
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl! | 3,136 |
During quarantine - Lonely at home I am lonely at home quarantined:
Day 1. Oh, that's nice.
Day 3. I read books and rest.
Day 5. I bingwatched "Friends".
Day 7. I talked to the washing machine, but I had worse days.
Day 9. My washing machine is angry. I never had worse days.
Day 11. I'm fine… So-so… Probably… Well, I guess according to my cat I am fine.
Day 13. My mind and subconscious mind have been drinking wine for three hours and singing "Star-Spangled Banner".
Day 15. I have no fever. So at least Chocko - my mixer - told me.
Day 17. I befriended the washing machine and finally stopped crying. Now I'm just laughing .. for what I don't know too ...
Day 19. The camel that I grow in my bathroom told me that it was no longer wrapped in one place, so I would walk it a little on the terrace.
Day 21. Dumbledore is in my living room and peels peppers. I am helping him. We're fine.
Day 23. I dreamed of Donald Trump. He told me to not go anywhere, then slapped me and became Kim Jong-Un. I woke up calm.
Day 25. My seven chakras turned out to be fourteen. How did I know? I caught them in my bedroom hugging each other.
Day 32. Today my washing machine, mixer and camel were offended and now no one but the cat is talking to me.
Day 40. Quarantine was extended today. The good news is that the cat caught a mouse that speaks French and cooks. I'm not going to be hungry anymore.
Day 44. Me and the antenna on the top of the roof have a secret connection. Basically, she goes out with the Cable, but what shall I do. Love does not ask.
Day 50. The cat found out about our relationship and told the Cable. No one talks to me now.
Day 98. The aliens came to Earth, but they do not let them in the country, because they do not have Visas and need to be quarantined for 120 days.
Day 108. I came to enlightenment. This isolation helped me connect to space. From there, I was told that Dwayne Johnson and Madonna are KGB agents, and that Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un are Siamese twins, but they do not know that the Lord is American.
Day 110 and ... Is it night ... I ate the cat, mouse and camel. I also tried to eat the mixer, but I broke a tooth.
DAY 120 and… I watched the news… I took a rope and decided to do bungee from the terrace… but… The last thing I hear after it cuts and I break my neck is how they announce that quarantine is lifting…
Day 1 at the hospital. I lie in plaster, and Dumbledore brings me juices and fruit.
Life is good again… | 3,137 |
Girl with glasses I once told a girl she better without her glasses on. She took them off and said; you look better aswell. | 3,138 |
What kind of guitar strings did Kurt Cobain use? 12 gauge | 3,139 |
What do you call a surgical operation to remove a magician's powers? A misdirectomy. | 3,140 |
Being homeless makes you get into fights on a daily basis But it’s water under the bridge | 3,141 |
Why is Covid-19 Spread around the world? Because the rest of the Covids were 18 and below, so the Church decided to keep them. | 3,142 |
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge." "Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients." | 3,143 |
What was the dentist doing in Panama? Looking for the Root Canal! | 3,144 |
I wanted to donate to the Ocean Cleanup project so I threw some money in the water | 3,145 |
My girlfriend always makes me feel bad when she tells me to take out the trash. I know it’s been a while since our last date but we’re in a quarantine! | 3,146 |
Food taste better if you add love they say Thats why moms food taste like shit | 3,147 |
My girlfriend just told me that she never worries about me cheating on here because I only hang out with guys To which I answer: if there is a Will, there is a way | 3,148 |
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..." | 3,150 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? Social distancing | 3,151 |
Doctor Doctor can I Bath? Doctor doctor can I Bath with diarrhea?
If that's enough to fill the bathtub... | 3,152 |
Masturbating in 2020 isn't what I was expecting I spend more time washing my hands before I rub one out than I do after. | 3,153 |
A species of animal was discovered to now only eat the flesh of those infected with covid. Apparently, they're coronavorous. | 3,154 |
A Roman Centurion Went into a Tavern,
Held up 2 fingers and said
"5 beers please." | 3,155 |
There are 10 types of people in this word: those who understand binary, and those who don’t | 3,156 |
I was bored, and I found a spider on the wall. So, I started to talk to him. He said he was a web developer. | 3,157 |
Thanks to gaming i graduated last year Without gaming i would have graduated 3 years ago. | 3,158 |
What do Coronavirus and Kim Kardashian have in common? Kim fucked one guy and it went viral...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Coronavirus went viral and fucked everyone | 3,159 |
Social distancing... oh you mean the thing I've been doing my entire life due to my extreme introvertedness and low self-esteem and self confidence that I have trouble looking people in the eye and getting to close for fear of having to interact with them?
Yeah I think I can manage.
The joke is my life. | 3,160 |
Who directed 2020? Quentin Quarantino | 3,161 |
How can you tell the difference between a new redditor and an old redditor Edit: Thanks for all the upvotes and awards! | 3,162 |
I could tell you a joke about paper.. But it’s terrible! | 3,163 |
Urgent update.. everyone please uninstall and reinstall 2020.. It has a deadly virus! | 3,164 |
Day 3 of quarantine Struck up A conversation today with a spider at home whilst dusting. he's actually a really cool guy. found out he's a web designer. | 3,165 |
I came home yesterday to find my roommate balls deep in the Planters guy. I said "Are you fucking nuts".
He replied, "They're actually legumes". | 3,166 |
Two mice meet and start chatting “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.
“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”
“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!” | 3,167 |
Two cows are standing in a field om a sunny day One cow says to the other “Have you heard about the new COVID-19 disease that’s been going around?”
The other cow replied “It doesn’t bother me. I’m a fishtank.” | 3,168 |
My wife likes to talk after sex But she didn’t have to call me from her hotel room | 3,169 |
What is coronavirus’ favorite drink? Cough-E | 3,170 |
You know why Pan was so good with the nymphs? Because he was always so fauny.
((This is a very niche joke haha)) | 3,171 |
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica? Because everyone is ice-o-lated. | 3,172 |
40th Birthday
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond
necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much." | 3,173 |
I Just Got Arrested for Being a Potential Cannibal! because I told someone I was gong to eat some Ladies Thumb.
​
(its an edible plants' common name, latin name; Polygonum persicaria)
# | 3,174 |
What do you call a female junkie with superpowers? A heroin-e | 3,175 |
At a job interview, Interviewer: There’s a gap in your CV. What were you doing in 2020?
Me: I was washing my hands... | 3,176 |
The COVID-19 pandemic is probably going to lead to a new baby boom parented by Millenials... Baby Boomers 2: Electric Boogaloo | 3,177 |
Where did Lucy go during the bombing? Everywhere. | 3,178 |
Monkey and the Password Only the monkey knew the admin password in office. One day, it did not show up for work. Office workers recoiled in horror. An irate client demanded: "When can you ship this consignment?" Shrugged the manager: "No monkey, no talk!" | 3,179 |
How do you get 50 little old ladies to scream FUCK at the same time? Have the 51st scream BINGO! | 3,180 |
If you receive an email with the title "DING DONG", do not open it!!! It's the Jehovah's witnesses, working from home | 3,181 |
A man is walking a cow upstairs to the roof so he can slaughter it and eat it. He's tiring himself in the process as its very difficult to walk a cow upstairs. Another man sees him struggling and asks:
"Hey why are you taking the cow upstairs? You can just slaughter it on the ground!"
The first man replies:
"My knife is upstairs!" | 3,182 |
Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa Even his marriage was relative. | 3,183 |
Horse walks into a bar Just wanted to tell you guys about the origin of walks into a bar jokes.
Bartenders are widely known as compassionate men who listen to each man who walks into the bar. So they'd begin with "why the long face?" and make each man speak. But one day a horse walks into the bar and the bartender, by habit, asks it "why the long face?"
That's it guys. That's how it all began! | 3,184 |
If Hillary Rodham were to marry Sir Edmund instead of Bill, she would be known as Hillary Hillary. | 3,185 |
I went to pick up the bag of horse hair I had ordered Shopkeeper: we are out of horse hair but I do have this nice bag of prevaricating goose feathers
Me: I ordered horse hair. I am *not* taking this lying down! | 3,186 |
Shelter in place? Like dude, could'a called it yesterday when I was at the bar! Now I'm at the Zoo in the funking monkey house! | 3,187 |
never argue with a woman who reads.....It”s likely she can also think.
In th AM husband returns the boat to their lakeside cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game warden in his boat.He pulls alongside the woman and says "Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book ." she replies. "You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her. "I'm sorry officer but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." The warden says "Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." To which she replies "If you do that I'll have to charge you with sexual assault." "But I haven't even touched you!" says the warden. "That's true," she says "but you have all the equipment...for all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am" and he left. | 3,188 |
Chicken walking down the road with a book under her wing Walks past a frog saying: “Book, book, book, book, book”
Frog responds: “Reddit” | 3,189 |
A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus.... In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends." | 3,190 |
Don't cough near me! People must not cough near you.
They must cough far away.
If you hear someone coughing, tell them to…..
far cough | 3,191 |
Two roommate's Two roommate's are chilling in their apartment
One of them is a canable.
"Hey do we got any ice cream in the fridge?"
"No we only got Ben and Jerry" | 3,192 |
Isolation lockdown started Going to sit down and watch the Irishman. By the time the credits roll I can line up for corona virus vaccine. | 3,193 |
If COVID-19 is a virus Then why do we have online school? | 3,194 |
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!” | 3,195 |
Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW) A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help.
"Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?"
"Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000."
So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would."
"Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing."
So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too."
"Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores." | 3,196 |
Do you want to know depressed I am? Well, I'm so depressed that I- lost interest and my motivation to kill myself | 3,197 |
They said a mask and gloves are enough to go to the grocery store They were wrong. Everybody else was wearing clothes. | 3,198 |
Now is not the time to surround yourself with positive people | 3,199 |
99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people | 3,200 |
A few weeks ago my sister took a trip to Italy Looking back, that was a Sicily decision | 3,201 |
Knock knock! ”Knock! Knock!”
"Who's there?"
"Ach"
"Ach who?"
"Please, go get checked"
PS - I hope this ain't done before. | 3,202 |
I recently met up with a talking Owl. Suffice to say, he's a real hoot! | 3,203 |
Gamer Girlz Damn girl, are you good at video games? Because you just switched me to hard mode. | 3,204 |
How are food and dark humor alike? Not everyone gets it. | 3,205 |
With the Coronavirus lockdown going on I was almost arrested just for running around in the park! Granted I was naked, but clothes are itchy. | 3,206 |
When two sock puppets really like each other... It’s not just sox, they make glove. | 3,207 |
I don't like to brag but Yeah I don't like to brag. | 3,208 |
Did you hear about the Trump supporter’s failed suicide attempt? Fake noose. | 3,209 |
I just opened a packet of ham, it said "POLISH TASTE" on the label. ...it tastes of polish. | 3,210 |
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