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You guys hear about the hungry clock? It went back for a seconds.. | 3,211 |
I just came to the realisation I have a fetish for figuring things out | 3,212 |
Me: According to the World Health Organization... My dad: WHO? | 3,213 |
Was wondering why all the problem seems to be appearing in 2020? Because we were short sighted all along! | 3,214 |
A chinese, an Italian and an American walk into a bar They shouldn't have done that. Now they all have covid-19 | 3,215 |
What do you call smart person in America? A tourist. | 3,216 |
Hey ya know what the good thing about schools shutting down is? We might hit a new record for longest time without a school shooting! | 3,217 |
A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn’t stop at the stop sign?
**“It’s the same thing,” the lawyer stated, “I don’t believe there is a difference between stop and slow down.”**
**“Allow me to prove it to you,” the policeman said. He asks the lawyer to step out of his car and suddenly starts hitting him with his baton.**
**After a lot of pain that the lawyer endured, the policeman asked him, “Now do you want me to stop, or slow down?”** | 3,218 |
What do you call a baby ent? Infantry (Infant-tree) | 3,219 |
My wife and I have been arguing about whether we want kids Our son is taking it really hard | 3,220 |
What currency do they use in outerspace? Starbucks | 3,221 |
Funny how our death... Was was also made in China. | 3,222 |
2 balloons are in the dessert One says to the other: watch out! A cactussss | 3,223 |
A man was praying to God He said, "God!?" God responded, "Yes?" And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead," God said. "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "A million years to me is only a second." "Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny." So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure! Just a second." | 3,224 |
It's a great time to be an introvert. I've been practicing social distancing for so long that Sasquatch has a blurry picture of me hanging on his wall. | 3,225 |
How do I keep track of Coronavirus? I-taly | 3,226 |
Wow Interesting Coronavirus has actually lowered the overall death toll in Chicago | 3,227 |
My grief counselor. Just died of the corona. Luckily he was so good I don't give a shit. | 3,228 |
Due to quarantine, many Alabama parents are home-schooling their kids [NSFW] In related news, there has been a spike of police investigations of teachers having sex with their students | 3,229 |
It do be like that airport security ask a black man if he has a 9mm he says no sir they let him through then A white man walks up the security guard says fuck it you can go through then an Asian man walks up the security guard asked him do you have a 9 mm Asian answers no but I’m close 8mm so far got ruler I can check | 3,230 |
What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? A widow.
(a joke my 13 year old daughter told me) | 3,231 |
What's round on both ends and high in the middle? Ohio | 3,232 |
I like my women like I like my coronavirus 19 and ready to spread | 3,233 |
NSFW My friend stopped over the other day So I took the toilet paper off the hanger and left a dildo in its place.
If he thinks he's getting my TP he can go fuck himself ! | 3,234 |
What do you call a sad bird? A cyanocitta cristata | 3,235 |
I recently bought a vibrator figured I'd shake things up | 3,236 |
There is some truth to the adage that money can't buy you love... But it can buy a mansion, a yacht, a sports car, and a Bermudian island. After that, you're beating love off with a stick. | 3,237 |
A courteous murderer tells a Californian that he'll be there in 8 days to kill her, so she decides to go buy a gun for protection... She went to the gun store and asked for "one automatic assault weapon please, with extra clips."
The clerk said "Uh...well if you want a gun, there's a 10 day waiting period." | 3,238 |
The name’s Man. Human. | 3,239 |
A man contracts a Minecraft Prion He says, "Mama mia! A pizza pie a pizza die!". | 3,240 |
Bear and a Rabbit talking about the toilet paper shortage,... The bear says, "It sucks being out of toilet paper. Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?
The rabbit says, "No, not really."
The bear says, "Thanks", and wipes his ass with the rabbit. | 3,241 |
Small talk The year is 2097. In the midst of a nuclear war, two babies are sent from Earth in a pod to an empty SpaceX bunker on Mars in the hopes they will survive and continue the human race.
After years in isolation and with packaged food becoming scarce, the young humans decided to venture out onto the planet’s surface and try to establish a civilization.
They began drilling through the crust and discovered lakes of water, something they’d never seen before. Soon they were planting crops and irrigating water to the surface where new life forms were created and thriving.
Then, one day as they were digging up their harvest, one of them noticed something completely foreign and amazing in the sky: A cloud. The human stared in awe at this massive spectacle floating through the barren Mars atmosphere. After a while, the cloud neared and began drizzling water all across their fields.
With haste, the first human raced back to the bunker and exclaimed, “It’s happening, just like the books said it would! It’s raining!”
The second human, not raising his eyes from the paper, lowered his coffee and replied, “We needed it.” | 3,242 |
My daughter complained that the new school uniform is too slutty But I said that she needs to be homeschooled until the lockdown ends.. | 3,243 |
California on lockdown California has decided to lock down its cities. Many queued to get the Covid-19 test. After queuing for hours, one guy told the person next to him and said “I can’t take it anymore, I am going to kill Trump, please save the queue space for me”.
After a few hours, he came back to his queued space. The guy asked him,” Have you killed Trump?” He replied, “The queue is even longer than here!”
*not mine, just sharing | 3,244 |
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles in your pants. | 3,245 |
I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers. It's called On and On Anon. | 3,246 |
Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's... ...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's. | 3,247 |
Christians are always wearing a cross and hoping for Jesus to return. Well, is the first thing you would want to see if you were Jesus is a cross? | 3,248 |
Shame a girl for her breast size and I’ll push you into traffic. Who’s flat now? | 3,249 |
One day my family and I were sitting in a restaurant and looked out the window And there was a car driving a pool down the street. My dad turned to my sister and said, “Now that’s what I call a carpool!”
Just one of those dad jokes that are funny on context and in the moment | 3,250 |
Everyone in the world is washing their hands for what the Chinese ate.
The interesting part is no one knows what the hell they ate. | 3,251 |
As soon as I read this, it reminded me of a joke. You. | 3,252 |
What has gone down since carona virus has showed up? School Shootings | 3,253 |
Prague just installed new Covid-19 testing stations. They named them Czech points. | 3,254 |
I saw a couple walking and holding hands during the quarantine.. It mad me sad to see two people hate each other so much. | 3,255 |
Why can't we play Go Fish? Because we are under quarantine and can't go anywhere. | 3,256 |
Reddit upvoted me because i was insecure. No, wait. it was just because i reposted the same joke for the 276,169th time earlier today. | 3,257 |
Do you know who was the greatest casualty of Covid-19? Anti Vaxxers
I bet they are praying non stop for a cure | 3,258 |
What do you call a wet phone? A “red” ghost. | 3,259 |
No one in Antarctica has the Corona virus Because they are so ice-o-lated
(actually seen this joke one of my buddies posted. Thought it was a good dad joke) | 3,260 |
The real reason I dont like shaking people's hands now isn't because of the virus... It's because everyone is out of toilet paper.... | 3,261 |
Two kids are on a video call The first kid asks: "what does your dad *do* all day now that he's off work?"
The second kid shrugs and says "beats me!" | 3,262 |
Jon Snow was killed by a bunch of crows..... ....or should I say murdered. | 3,263 |
Irish Man Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher... The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.. He pulls him up and
asks the drunk,' Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, OI haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have
you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, OI I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again --- But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again
asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?' | 3,264 |
What's brown and not very heavy? Light brown. | 3,265 |
When a woman is ugly, put a bag over her head When she’s hideous get two bags. One over her head, and a second bag over your own head in case her bag falls off. | 3,266 |
A guy in an alley tried to sell me his kidney stones. I said that's a hard pass for me. | 3,267 |
Hats off to all of the insurance companies helping out with the crisis! Oh, I guess all of our hats are staying on. | 3,268 |
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket? Officer: It was a moving violation. | 3,269 |
Cellphones Don't Fear the Beeper Even when they ring and they ring and they ring. | 3,270 |
Dating Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.." | 3,271 |
You don't get a vaccine for this disease You get a coronation | 3,272 |
I have been socially distant from other people for the last 25 years But now there seems to be another reason why nobody wants to come near me. | 3,273 |
When McDonald’s reopens They can run an advertising campaign based on the return of the mac | 3,274 |
Since school's at home we have to write about something we appreciate in our house.... I'm calling it "My Toilet" paper | 3,275 |
What did the professor say when his student asked if pyramids were essentially squares? Yes, but only up to a point. | 3,276 |
What do you call a hole full of hobos? A Bumhole | 3,277 |
Good social distancing practice Is one wet fart away, eat lots of cabbage and let's beat Covid-19 | 3,278 |
Philosophers only want one thing, and it is disgussing. | 3,279 |
I really hope Kim Jong Un doesn’t get the coronavirus Because then he’d be Kim Jong Ill | 3,280 |
Why don't the Clintons like Jehovah's Witnesses? The Clintons don't like ANY witn | 3,281 |
Two men walk into a restaurant and grab a table One of them says to the waitress, "I think I'll have some H2O," he says. The other one agrees. "I'll have some H2O too." | 3,282 |
What do you get if you cross 27 knives and a pizza? Little ceaser’s. | 3,283 |
What did the cowboy car salesman say to the other cowboy car salesman? Haudi | 3,284 |
what kind of sex does James Bond have James Bondage | 3,285 |
I'm really trying to spread positivity But once I test positive I'm told not to spread it | 3,286 |
Went to the doctor's the other day for a check up and told me i must stop eating bacon As it brings me out in rashers | 3,287 |
Life is like golf The less strokes the better | 3,288 |
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!”
The priest says: “No son, you’re not.”
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!”
Then the priest says: “No son, you’re not.”
Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.”
He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says: “Jesus Christ, you’re back again?!” | 3,289 |
What do you get when you put 10 millipedes together? A centipede :D | 3,290 |
A working girl is hot and heavy into a date with a client. She keeps laughing uncontrollably so her date stops having relations with her long enough to ask her what the fuck is sooo funny.
Oh don't worry about it sweety, it's just an inside joke. | 3,291 |
I heard Harvey Weinstein caught the coronavirus Not surprising, he wasn't exactly known for his social distancing. | 3,292 |
Pirate So a pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says “how are you doing pirate? haven’t seen you in a long time“
The pirate says “doing great, just came back from a very successful series of raids”
The bartender says “really!? You look terrible. What happened to your leg?“
The pirate says “oh... I was on the deck of a ship preparing to swing to the enemies deck, when a cannonball blew my leg clean off. But the peg leg works great“
The bartender still perplexed asks “well what about your arm?“
The pirate says “I was in a sword fight and lunged and stabbed my opponent in his chest, unfortunately, he was able to cut my arm off in the process. But the hook works great“
The bartender is still confused and thus asks “What about your eye?“
The pirate says “well I was on the deck of my ship looking up and a bird pooped in my eye“
The bartender looks at him and says “how did that cause you to lose your eye?“
The Pirate says “well it was my first day with the hook!“ | 3,293 |
A woman walks into a pet shop looking to buy a parrot. "Do you have any parrots for sale?" asks the woman.
"We only have one left," replies the shopkeeper. "But I must warn you she has a filthy mouth. Take a listen."
The shopkeeper lifts a blanket off a cage to reveal the parrot, who instantly starts squawking, "My name's Bella and I want to fuck all day!"
The woman is a little surprised by the language but tells the shopkeeper, "Oh, don't worry. I have two parrots at home and all they do is pray. I'm sure they can teach her the error of her ways."
The woman buys the parrot and takes her home. She takes the blanketed cage into her house and sets it down near another cage containing two parrots, both perched silently praying.
The woman lifts the blanket off the cage and instantly the squawking begins. "My name's Bella and I want to fuck all day!"
The two parrots in the other cage both stop praying and slowly turn to look at each other. After a few moments of silence one of the parrot whispers, "I fucking told you, we just had to pray hard enough." | 3,294 |
As I was having sex with my vegetarian girlfriend... she said, "Let's 69!"
"OK," I said, "but you don't eat meat."
"No, I just like the gravy." | 3,295 |
How many COVID confirmed cases does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, no 4! It's 8 now! 16! The number just keeps going up! | 3,296 |
Today I caught a centipede! 99 more and I'll have a dollarpede | 3,297 |
Good bakers use real butter.. So that there is no margarine for error. | 3,298 |
What do you call karate for amputees? Partial arts | 3,299 |
Wanna hear a funny Joke? Quarantine. Oh wait, it’s an inside joke, so you wouldn’t get it. | 3,300 |
Social Distancing is important, it’s right there in the Bible. Commandment #10 : Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor’s wife | 3,301 |
Flummoxed, I asked my wife, "Honey, the kids don't want to eat their vegetables. What do you want me to do?" She shouted back from the other room, "That's fine. Just throw them out, dear!" Later, I told them, "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!" as I helped them pack their suitcases... | 3,302 |
Where did Elvis buy his coleslaw? Where did Elvis buy his coleslaw?
In the Nettooooooo.... | 3,303 |
Say what you will about this administration's delayed response to Covid10 ... but it sure has solved the problem of school shootings in the US. | 3,304 |
I sued the airline for losing my luggage. Did I win? I lost the case. | 3,305 |
I couldn't believe it when my wife answered her phone during sex. I was so angry that I hung up. | 3,306 |
Who can drink 20 liters of gas? Jerry can. | 3,307 |
Q: What's the name of the Muppets episode where Gonzo kicked Kermit in the crotch? A: Green Achers | 3,308 |
A martial arts competition is taking place There is a line to practice kicks, grapples and throws. But something’s missing.... | 3,309 |
Tekashi69 has been tested positive for COVID-19 In other news, the virus seems to be cooperating with scientists | 3,310 |
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