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My doctor told me that I’m morbidly obese. I responded “maybe, but I identify as skinny”
I’m trans-fat | 3,311 |
I've heard that if you drink 6 Coronas a night you can't get sick. I think it was the CDC. You know, the Corona Distribution Center. | 3,312 |
A Queen and a Pawn are having a discussing which one of them is more progressive The Queen says: I am both a female and the most powerful piece. Tell me that isn't the definition of empowering.
The Pawn replies: No I am still more progressive than you.
The frustrated Queen asks: Really, and why is that?!
The Pawn calmly answers: If no one is paying me attention I will get a sex change. | 3,313 |
A man wanted to get a wealthy person to notice him So he yelled at the crowd at one in particular.
But he turned the other shiek. | 3,314 |
I'm putting together a live entertainment group Our motto is "We put the fun in funeral" | 3,315 |
Today I threw a gathering of crows at my friend I murdered him | 3,316 |
What do you call a blind German? A not see | 3,317 |
What do you call a guy who knows how to yodel but doesn't? A good neighbor. | 3,318 |
How do you keep an idiot entertained for a minute? >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
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>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< | 3,319 |
They just made a Toy Story porn It’s called “You’ve got a friend in me” | 3,320 |
Nobody asks how coke is doing... It’s always “is Pepsi okay?” | 3,321 |
When is it time to go to the dentist? 2:30 | 3,322 |
A teenager comes home from schooling being very anxious A teenager comes home from school and being very anxious asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But," she cried, "when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?" | 3,323 |
An engineer goes to hell... An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?" | 3,324 |
Canadian Logic If I can hit you with a Hockey Stick...(And I will) You're too close.
\#covid-19 | 3,325 |
What’s the difference between and steak and a rock? One is pretty meaty, the others a little meteor. | 3,326 |
The old saying goes "when in Rome.." Stay at home. | 3,327 |
Local newspapers have proven their worth in the time of crisis Can't wipe with an iPad | 3,328 |
My wife tells me I need to have opinions I agree | 3,329 |
Marriage sex. An 18 year old guy gets married to a 90 year old widow. Someone asks her ‘hey what about the sex’.
She pauses for a moment and replies:
‘if he dies, he dies’. | 3,330 |
I mixxed up the words necrophilia and narcolepsy when talking to my mother accidentally. She said "You didn't pass out at your sisters funeral." | 3,331 |
Earth: Thank you. Bat: You’re welcome. | 3,332 |
A group of mathematicians are at a team building seminar... When during the night a fire breaks out in one of the mathematicians room's. He quickly tears pages out of his notebook lighting them on fire one by one. He then runs down the hall sliding sheets of burning paper under other mathematician's doors.
After the building burns to the ground the fire marshal asks the mathematicians how the fire spread so fast.
He responds. "I thought distributing the problem would lead to finding a solution faster." | 3,333 |
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar... and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it. | 3,334 |
I was going to go to the psychic fair today but it's been postponed due to Unforseen circumstances. | 3,335 |
What’s the best place to go for seasickness? A hospital ship. | 3,336 |
Due to the quarantine.. I will only be telling inside jokes. | 3,337 |
Did you hear about the crow that got sick? It came down with Corvid-19 | 3,338 |
What do you call an armenian reptile Reptilian | 3,339 |
A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said "What did you say?"
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Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before. | 3,340 |
Seeking Legal Advice If you're 70 and your husband coughs and you shoot him...can you claim self defense?
\#covid-19 | 3,341 |
My uncle is an archeologist.. He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from. | 3,342 |
NSFW A guy phones his Doctor worried he has corona virus because his dick is stinging The Doctor says, “well I must say it’s not a symptom I’ve heard of so far. have you been in populated places recently, any family or friends with symptoms, have you been in contact with many people? Group sex with penetration? High temp? Difficulty breathing?”
“No” the guy says.
“Well that’s very odd. What’s your daily routine?” The doctor asks.
“Well” says the guy “I typically get up, go on Reddit and moan about how girls don’t like guys like me, play COD warzone, eat Chili Doritos and masturbate all day” | 3,343 |
What happens when a duck changes from liquid to solid state? It Quackulates!! | 3,344 |
I dunno how this shelter in place is gonna save lives? There are already THREE potential murder victims in this house alone! | 3,345 |
Back home from grocery, a stranger wanted shake hands with me I said "no way dude", he pointed at the camera and said "it's a prank!" | 3,346 |
What do you call a bus full of influencers driving off a cliff ? A good fucking start | 3,347 |
Task force So you guys know how there is a 'task force' for attacking the coronavirus well if if you haven't heard the got a name seal team sick | 3,348 |
Veggies I met a young lady in a bar the other night, we were getting along pretty good so we decided to go back to place a blocks away. When we got there we started kissing and got our cloths off.
I like going down on a lady so started munching on her and all of a sudden I got a green bean in my mouth. I didn’t think anything about, just threw it over my shoulder. Then I got a piece of corn in my mouth. I like corn, I just ate it.
Then I got a piece of asparagus in my mouth. This was just to much. I looked up at her and said,”God damn woman, are you sick or something.”
She said,”No, but the guy that was down there before you was.” | 3,349 |
How can the Easter bunny afford so much candy? It's so rich that all of its meals are 24 karat | 3,350 |
A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy? I don't have one leg and I'm suicidal!"
The man then replies, "I'm not happy! My assholes itchy!"
Edit: grammar | 3,351 |
The supermarket was out of toilet paper! So I had to wipe my ass after I got home. | 3,352 |
I don’t have a fear of heights It’s just that when I’m up real high, I got a problem with gravity | 3,353 |
Melissa Joan Hart to star in a webseries about fun things to do while stuck at home Sabrina, The Quarantine Witch | 3,354 |
Jesus and Moses Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long hair and flowing robes and they just blend in.
Jesus says, “Damn Moses I don’t understand, the last time I was down here people would gather around and praise me.” Moses said, “I know me too. Watch this I’ll show them.”
He walks over, grabs a frisbee And throws it out in the ocean. Walk up to the water, raises his hands and parts the water. He walks out picks up the frisbee, walks back to shore and everyone says, “ Yeah Moses.”
Jesus says that’s pretty good Moses, but watch this.” He grabs the frisbee, throws it out in the ocean, takes off running across the water and just sinks.
Moses walks up to water, raises his hands, parts the water, pulls Jesus up on shore, and pumps the water out of him. Jesus wakes up looks at Moses and says,”I don’t understand Moses, the last time I was down here I used to do this all the time.”
Moses says, “SURE JUSES, BUT THAT’S BEFORE YOU HAD THE HOLES IN YOUR FEET.” | 3,355 |
What's the difference between a Joke and 3 Penises? Your mom can't take a joke | 3,356 |
Why do KGB agents travel in groups of 3? Because they need one to write, one to read and one to keep an eye on those two dangerous intelectuals. | 3,357 |
Two guys chatting in a pub..... One says, "I committed an embarrassing faux pas today. Went to the travel agents to book a holiday. The young girl had the most amazing breasts and I accidentally asked for two Titties on the plane"
His mate replies, "Oh, yes. I did the exact same thing this morning. Meant to ask my wife to pass the cornflakes and accidentally said, 'You fat bitch, you've totally ruined my life'!" | 3,358 |
What If I Told You... You read the title right? | 3,359 |
What do clocks eat? Mostly hour-d'oeuvres, in minute amounts, but they usually take seconds | 3,360 |
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky ! I mean, first I win the lottery and now this | 3,361 |
I don't understand school shooter jokes. Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience. | 3,362 |
Growing up as a gamer I was lead to believe the end times currency would be bullets or bottle caps. Turns out its hand sanitizer and toilet paper. | 3,363 |
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine." | 3,364 |
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor. | 3,365 |
What do you call a house in the middle of nowhere? A WHERE-HOUSE | 3,366 |
My friend inherited a parrot when his brother went abroad. So, My friend inherited a parrot when his brother had to go abroad. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. My friend tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer. Even from in there, he hears him cussing him out. Then the parrot falls silent. The guy thinks Ohh shit I killed him. He opens the freezer. The parrot hops out saying, " Very sorry for how I spoke to you, sir. I just have one question... What did the chicken do?" | 3,367 |
25th anniversary A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in his hand. Next, it was the birthday boy's turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90. | 3,368 |
Yesterday I donated 1000$ for streamer to say my name. Yeah my professor was very shocked... | 3,369 |
Mother of six A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!" | 3,370 |
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the word “coronavirus” this month ... ... I’d be rich enough to afford a test. | 3,371 |
Social distancing I logged on to Facebook the other day only to post on my daughter's wall that she's a horrible dancer.
She asked why I would do such a thing.
I told her because I heard we were supposed to be "social diss dancing" | 3,372 |
Harvey Weinstein infected by COVID-19 But he would have preferred 18. | 3,373 |
Where's the best place to hide a body? page 2 of Google | 3,374 |
Coronavirus is all Gen Z’s fault They wanted everything to go viral, now look what’s happened. | 3,375 |
I knew a guy who hated floors He just thought they were beneath him | 3,376 |
The neutron asked the proton how come he hadn't seen the electron in a while The proton replied he's on vacation. The neutron said are you sure? The proton replied, "I'm positive" | 3,377 |
Ever since the lock-down the wife's been pleasuring herself endlessly to her favourite black movie star. And now shes complaining about a pain in her right arm! I think she has Idris Elbow. | 3,378 |
Dear God, Could we please uninstall 2020 and re-install it???? It has a virus. | 3,379 |
Just to think the Corona Virus started from one bat in China... Talk about the Batterfly Effect | 3,380 |
What’s an ass-eater’s favorite video game? Rimworld | 3,381 |
I used to think I was indecisive... But now I’m not sure. | 3,382 |
Every time I take one of my Healthy Aging brand multivitamins, it doesn't. | 3,383 |
Why are people praising Netflix and Youtube for promising to reduce video quality during the pandemic? Reddit has been doing it for years already. | 3,384 |
Imagine going from the high life. Blowjobs on demand, people at your beck and call. Suddenly, your paycheck disappears, no one wants to come near. You can't even see your own mother. On mother's Day!. Enough about Prince Andrew. How are you keeping?. | 3,385 |
I was at a ISIS party the other day It's safe to say i had a blast | 3,386 |
They know we're isolating, but my mates keep yelling at me to leave the house. They think they're so special just because they're firemen. | 3,387 |
Darmok_____and_____Jalad, at a distance. Darmok, not at a distance. | 3,388 |
What did the ranch say to the refrigerator door? Close the door, I'm dressing! | 3,390 |
Good Doctor
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor
of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in
his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage..
"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works
just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the
really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the
same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to
the mechanic...........
"Try doing it with the engine running.......... | 3,391 |
For the last two weeks I've been walking around dressed in cladding and rubber pipe covering. Turns out I should have been self-isolating. | 3,392 |
What will 2020 be known as? The year of hindsight. | 3,393 |
I wanted to kiss my wife, but with this whole Corona thing, instead I just elbowed her in the face. | 3,394 |
Ties As a birthday present from his mother-in-law, a husband got two ties. Wanting to be a good son-in-law, he wore one of them to the next family dinner. Upon seeing her, he tries a friendly smile, but is met with a disappointed look "So, you didn't like the other one?". | 3,395 |
Sick MotoGp What do you call a sick racer?
Quarantino Rossi | 3,396 |
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!" | 3,397 |
Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *\*Walks away\** | 3,398 |
My love for you is like diarrhea I just can't hold it in | 3,399 |
An immigration officer and her ex A woman walks up to the immigration desk at the airport where she sees her ex husband, an immigration officer.
She walks up to him and asks him to give her the immigration stamp so she can move out of the country.
He rejects her request and asks her to stay in the country.
She says, " I have even cleared the corona virus test and have tested negative, why can't I go?"
The ex-husband says, "Because pigs can't fly." | 3,400 |
I always buy condoms in value packs... More bang for your buck. | 3,401 |
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate? Whoops, my fault. | 3,402 |
What does a dog say when it throws up Barf | 3,403 |
Why did the toilet paper cross the road? The crack on the other side needed some help. | 3,404 |
My wife works as an intern at a pharmacy She told me she had a preceptor.
I didn't know what that was, so with my limited pharmacy knowledge I answered dumbly "Is that someone that works inside a pharmacy that's inside a pharmacy with many deeper levels of pharmacy?"
She slapped me and told me to stop watching movies. | 3,405 |
I was fired from a bank. When a woman asked me to check her balance, I pushed her over. | 3,406 |
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a photographer. But it didn't develop. | 3,407 |
I don't tell people to go to hell anymore I tell them to go lick gas pumps instead. | 3,408 |
How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread? You cut the ends and now have endless bread. | 3,409 |
What is best way to tell a joke on r/jokes Plagiarize. | 3,410 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? To practice self isolation. | 3,411 |
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