text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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I’m dating a girl who works at the cemetery She digs it | 3,412 |
A homeless guy walks into a bar and stays there for 14 days. | 3,413 |
Chuck Norris went to a job interview, but when he left he was still unemployed The manager's answers to his questions weren't satisfactory | 3,414 |
I was feeling depressed so i called my friend and talked for some time Now we both are in depression | 3,415 |
Remove Dem from pandemic And all you have is panic | 3,416 |
I ate a donkey last night. It tasted like ass. | 3,417 |
My dad is a social distancing champion!!! I havent seen him since 2005 | 3,418 |
So I just beat up a light bulb... I bet it really hertz | 3,419 |
Have you seen all the talk on social media and the internet about COVID-19? It’s gone viral. | 3,420 |
How about a quick? I was entertaining a Texan friend at my favorite restaurant. The gorgeous waitress came up and asked what we would like. I nodded to my friend to order. In his Texan drawl, he said, “Well, Darlin’, how about a quickie?” She slapped him with all her might and walked away in a huff. I looked at my stunned friend and explained, “It’s pronounced quiche.” | 3,421 |
What do humans and desserts have in common? No one likes the very rich ones. | 3,422 |
3rd day of quarantine and I just spoke with my wife. She’s actually pretty cool! | 3,423 |
I heard their coming out with a new reality TV show... ... "American Idle" | 3,424 |
I just went outside and walked in the streets My wanted level suddenly increased to six stars | 3,425 |
What do you call a road in Eastern Europe named after an old woman who thinks far too much of herself but is unsure of her gender? The Trans-Sylvia-SoVain-ian Highway | 3,426 |
I had a zing about quarantine, but you wouldn’t get it It’s an inside joke | 3,427 |
Why doesn't Waldo get any donations? He only uses GoFindMe! | 3,428 |
I fell in love with someone who lives in Korea I think they're my Seoulmate. | 3,429 |
Man: can you cook? Woman: can you change the oil in my car? Man: not on an empty stomach | 3,430 |
Pressing times. Shit, I think my calculators broken. | 3,431 |
I tried to make Indian sourdough but that was a naan starter. | 3,432 |
I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too. People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first! | 3,433 |
If you ever need some black humour to get you through this tough period. Just remember that there's a beech in Australia called Darwin which, today, is fucking full . | 3,434 |
An insecure engaged man wants to prove his devotion An insecure engaged man wants to prove his devotion to his wife by getting her name tattooed on his penis. His fiance has been with many black men and he felt like he couldn't measure up to them.
He went to his local parlor and explained his idea, and the tattoo artist said "I've done this before, you'll need to become erect." The artist gave him some mags and twenty minutes later, the man had WENDY up his shaft. Afterwards, he noticed he could only see W-Y while not erect. He shrugged it off, thinking she would only see it while he's aroused.
Excited to have an intimate night, he took his fiance out to a fancy dinner to set the mood. After a drink he excused himself to the restroom, stood in the middle of three urinals and went. A large black man then took the urinal next to him, and followed suit. Difficult to resist, the man took a quick peek at the black man's dong and noticed an identical "W-Y".
The man, curious and angry, stood tall and said "what the fuck man, did you date Wendy too?" The black man sees him looking at his tattoo, and says "oh no man, I don't know her."
"Well what does your cock say?
"It says 'Welcome to California, have a nice day.'" | 3,435 |
Whats a lesbians favorite dinosaur? ilicalottapuss | 3,436 |
What’s the opposite of isolate? You so early | 3,437 |
A waiter walks over to a Jewish women's table and asks.... Is anything okay? | 3,438 |
Bartender: "hey, you look sad, what's up?" Bartender: "hey, you look sad, what's up?"
Customer : "I just found out my wife's sleeping with another man, so I've decided to drink myself to death"
Bartender: "sorry, but I can't help you in killing yourself"
Customer: "then what would you have done in my situation?"
Bartender: "if I found out my wife was sleeping with another man, I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill that guy!"
Customer: "that's a great idea. Thanks." and runs out of the bar.
After a couple of hours
Bartender: "Hey, so did you kill the guy?"
Customer: "no, I slept with your wife. Vodka please" | 3,439 |
This self isolation is so bad,I've been crushing on my room mate and we've been married twenty years! | 3,440 |
Never date a professional tennis player Love means nothing to them | 3,441 |
Light travels faster than sound That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak | 3,442 |
I'm about to piss off a whole entire religious group with this one.
Just kidding. | 3,443 |
Dr. Feelgood I was using this new telemed procedure with my General Practitioner this morning and he wanted to give me a routine physical. Everything was going just fine and dandy until he showed me how to test my reflexes by tapping on his knee with a little hammer.
Unfortunately, I only had a 15-pound sledgehammer handy and now I am waiting to telemed with an orthopedic surgeon, but I understand my session with my G.P. has gone viral and they now want me to start my own YouTube channel called "Dr. Feelgood."
I am not looking forward to my telemed session with my proctologist. | 3,444 |
My son just asked me for help with his trigonometry schoolwork While he fetched his books, I snuck out the back door and started a new life up in the mountains somewhere. | 3,445 |
A man walks into a bar with a frog in his shirt pocket.. The man sits down and says to the bartender,
"Give me a pitcher of beer and a clean ashtray so my buddy here can drink."
Now taking the frog from his pocket and placing it on the bar. Puzzled but intrigued the bartender fills his request.
Time passes and people are glancing at him. Eventually an attractive blonde approaches him and says,
"WOW, your frog drinks beer? That's kinda amazing! What else does he do?"
The man looks around nervously, leans in and replies quietly,
"Well between me and you, the weirdest thing he likes to do is eat pussy."
The woman scoffs and goes back to drinking with her group.
Time passes and it's close to bar closing. The blonde is visibly intoxicated and still intrigued by the frog. She reapproches the man and drunkenly says,
"I'm going to call your bluff. I don't think your frog knows how to eat pussy."
So they go back to her place, she undresses and kicks her leg up on the coffee table and he places the frog in front of her.
The frog is just sitting there. The woman quips,
"See I told you..."
The man replies with a look of anticipation on his face,
"No, no, just give him a minute to warm up."
Minutes pass and the woman has become frustrated.
"He's not going to, I knew he wouldn't." She said to him.
"Well I guess you're right." Said the man in a defeated tone.
Finally the man picks up the frog and says,
"I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time." | 3,446 |
How do you catch a rare bird? Unique up on it. | 3,447 |
I'm only shopping at Home Hardware from now on, I don't want to catch a Rona Virus | 3,448 |
www.chronicconjunctivitisrelief.com Now that's a site for sore eyes. | 3,449 |
What do you say to a woman with a black eye? Nothing, she's already been told once. | 3,450 |
I asked the priest if the church would be open for Easter Sunday He said "No, there are no *mass* gatherings" | 3,451 |
I don't know why people are so against genetically modified food.. I had a really nice leg of salmon the other day. | 3,452 |
The Parrot and the Magician The captain of a cruise ship had a parrot. The magician hated the parrot with intensity. Every time he would do a show, the captain would come watch, along with his bird. Eventually after watching enough shows the parrot started to learn the routines and the tricks behind them.
"The lady is under the box! The lady is under the box!"
"The rabbit is under the hat! The rabbit is under the hat!"
"There are two coins in the cup! There are two coins in the cup!"
This went on for 2 weeks, and the magician was finally fed up and about to quit, so he went to do his final show.
Right when the magician went up on stage, the boat crashed into an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the ocean. Everyone was dead. Everyone... except the magician... and as he floated on a plank of wood a bird flew and landed on the plank. The magician looked up and saw the parrot.
The magician stared at the parrot. The parrot stared at the magician. For 20 minutes they just stared hard at each other. Until finally the parrot said,
"I give up. I give up. Where the fuck is the ship."
​
PS - My dad told me this joke when I was a kid. It's stupid, but hopefully some of you get a laugh and tell your kids. | 3,453 |
My New Year's Resolution was losing 9kg 15 more to go! | 3,454 |
Finland has just closed their borders No one will be crossing the finish line | 3,455 |
I call my girlfriend PlayStation because she’s almost 5 | 3,456 |
“Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband last night?” “She’s that blonde chick Reese something?”
“Witherspoon?”
“No, with her knife” | 3,457 |
I'm not bored from being in quarantine But isnt it funny a bag of rice can have 6892 grains of rice while other has 6929! | 3,458 |
"Jack, did you do good on your test?" "Of course I did, I sat next to the smart kid" | 3,459 |
For those whose wedding got cancelled due to virus. Be wise because God giving you second chance.. | 3,460 |
In the stock market today.... Charmin Toilet Paper touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean. | 3,461 |
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here." I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday." | 3,462 |
The stock market is down 30%... Yo mama must have skipped a meal | 3,463 |
The more I stay at home... ...the more I look like a homeless person. | 3,464 |
Two men are on an escalator The first man suddenly leans back hitting the second man.
The second man then punches the first man and they fight.
A third man watching says" That escalated pretty quickly."
His wife says " wow. They brought this to a whole new level."
A fourth man who was watching the fight attentively says " This fight has been a huge letdown" | 3,465 |
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank. | 3,466 |
Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're.... ...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak. | 3,467 |
What do my drum and my wife have in common? I beat them both to make them work | 3,468 |
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak | 3,469 |
When i was a kid i was scared of the dentist. He was peadophile.
He gave me a lot of fillings. | 3,470 |
I just invented a new word! I call it plagiarism | 3,471 |
My FWB reminded me of my mother today So I guess he's an F now. | 3,472 |
All countries will get the corona virus eventually... China just got it right off the bat...
Edit : Thanks for the 1k guys... | 3,473 |
What does the Boogie Man call his lady in bed? A snotty girl | 3,474 |
What is a rich Chinese person called? Kaching! | 3,475 |
What did one fractal say to another fractal? “Luke, I’m your father.” | 3,476 |
To everyone going on more hikes during the COVID-19 quarentine: Make sure you're checking yourself for ticks. You wouldnt want Corona with Lyme! | 3,477 |
Day 5 of Quarantine: I got so bored that I checked out all of the profiles on Facebook. 2 of my friends have the same boyfriend. | 3,478 |
Why do farmers have better game than most men? Because they’ve been spreading their seed all day. | 3,479 |
Donald trump
.... and Hitler | 3,480 |
Right now everyone in Cleveland is taking social distancing very seriously. No one is even down by the lake. It's Erie | 3,481 |
What do you call a fish that murdered someone? Gill-ty | 3,482 |
My wife left me because she said I’m too cocky I told her “don’t let the door hit you on your way back in” | 3,483 |
I hate how everybody has to put a label on everything....Religious, liberal, conservative, old, young. Thats why I'm going to label myself a Non-labeler. | 3,484 |
What does a narcissistic cowboy say? Mee-haw. | 3,485 |
I wear headphones now when I masturbate It's mostly to drown out the voices on the bus.
People saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver"
I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday" | 3,486 |
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person "Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945 | 3,487 |
REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it! | 3,488 |
Must be horrifying to have a shower when you're a magician You never know if your bathroom is still going to be there when you pull back the shower curtain. | 3,489 |
A bear and a hare suddenly found a genie in the forest The genie says: "Ok, guys, since there are two of you and I'm feeling a bit generous, I grant each of you three wishes. Ask me anything!"
The bear asks in disbelief: "You really can grant any wish? Like anything I want?"
"Sure", the genie says
"The I want all the male bears in this whole forests to turn into females"
"Granted" says the genie and immediately the forest bears were all transformed
The hare then says: " And I want a fast motorcycle". Suddenly it appears out of thin air
The bear laughs at the hare and starts to get greedy. "I want all male bears in this whole country to be turned into female bears!"
The hare just says " And I want a motorcycle helmet". And "BAM" it appears right on the seat
The bear then asks: "Genie, I want all the male bears int the whole world to be turned into female bears, so that I'll be the only male bear!"
"And your last wish is granted, weird guy", says the genie. "And what is your last wish" he asks the hare.
The hare wears the helmet, sits on the motorcycle, starts the engine and say: "I want the bear to become gay!" | 3,490 |
Three women are about to be executed One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She, too, escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "Fire!! | 3,491 |
A ten year old girl met Donald Trump and said I take away 3 words " Winning, Loser, and Tremendous " from your vocabulary. What are you???
He was speechless | 3,492 |
What did the police officer say to the perp holding a rotten, purple vegetable? Drop that funky beet!
What did the police officer say to the perp holding Allen Ginsberg?
Drop that funky beat! | 3,493 |
Fastest way to kill a circus ? Go straight for the juggler. | 3,494 |
North Korea has discovered the most Effective vaccine for Covid-19 They are calling it " One Bullet Vaccine " | 3,495 |
Why is it better to be friends with a PS4 player than a PC Player The PS4 player knows how to console you | 3,496 |
My neighbours are hearing good music. And no, I'm not turning down the volume of my radio. | 3,497 |
The positive news of the day Harvey Weinstein | 3,498 |
A policeman knocked on my door this morning... ...but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car." | 3,499 |
We are being deceived ... I just found out that one bag of rice had 738 more berries than the other. | 3,500 |
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins. She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl.
So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.
At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive | 3,501 |
Why do the Scottish where kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away! | 3,502 |
Why is EA the worst gaming company in America? Because Ubisoft is in France. | 3,503 |
Why there are so many reposts here? Because Repostsleuthbot is banned!! | 3,504 |
What happens when a flat-earther and an anti-vaxxer have a baby, who reaches adulthood in 2020? They ignore social distancing orders, saying they'll be okay and COVID-19 won't kill them because they're young. | 3,505 |
How many airlines does Poland have? A LOT | 3,506 |
Ever since people have been social distancing themselves from others... ...the strip club has been less enjoyable. | 3,507 |
A skeleton walks into a bar “I’d like a beer and a mop.” | 3,508 |
Two angels were assigned to giving names to the lengths of time After creating the names for the year, the month, the week and the hour, they still needed a name for the 24 hour period, but since they had done so much already, they decided to pack their things up and call it a day | 3,509 |
If Coronavirus isnt caused by the beer.... Then why do I keep hearing about all these cases?
Credit to Al Lowe. | 3,510 |
Why was Eve the first carpenter? She made Adam's banana stand
​
^(Sorry) | 3,511 |
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