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I went to a zoo once and there was only one dog there. It was a Shih Tzu | 3,512 |
Working at home, I've had a chance to clean out the cabinets... The spices in my cabinet were so old I had to throw them out.
What a waste of thyme! | 3,513 |
My school got clothes because of the coronavirus Man it socks. | 3,514 |
My wife left me because I’m insecure She said ‘you have no job, no motivation, its been 10 years and we still live in a studio apartment. I’ve been sleeping with your best friend, Im taking the kids. This is your fault’.
But hey, she at least came back from her coffee run | 3,515 |
A dad has three sons. The three sons always tries to get girlfriends in the dumbest ways possible. What do you call the three sons? The Simpsons | 3,516 |
My friend calls the tires of his car "Boots." So when he starts hydroplaning, he calls it The "boot scoot boogie" | 3,517 |
There's a plane with 5 passengers on board. Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a 10-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump says I need one: “I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to make America great again.” Takes one and jumps.
Johnson says, ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps.
The Pope says, ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.
Angela says to the ten year old: “You can have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, yours is only just starting.”
The 10-year-old replies: “Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my school bag.”’ | 3,518 |
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, you snibbling little sexist. | 3,519 |
I finally realized why the coronavirus is spreading in the U.S. It's because of Mass Achoo Sets. | 3,520 |
On a cold winter's morning Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.” | 3,521 |
North Korea discovered a capsule that stops Corona Virus 45 ACP capsule | 3,522 |
“Welcome to Planets Anonymous” said Jupiter. ”We have a new member with us..” “Well, hi guys, I’m Earth, and I’ve been clean over a month!” | 3,523 |
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo | 3,524 |
I met a woman today with trees for boobs I think it would be hard to breastfeed, woodentit? | 3,525 |
A dating profile reads... Single woman with Lysol and hand sanitizer seeking single man with two-ply toilet paper for good, clean fun. | 3,526 |
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised | 3,527 |
I got Covid-18. It’s just diarrhea so I’m good. | 3,528 |
What begins with an 'M' and ends with an 'arriage'? Miscarriage.
this joke never gets old, just like the child | 3,529 |
Baby shower A bukkake is technically a baby shower | 3,530 |
A trucker is driving his regular route from St Louis to New Orleans He’s passing through Arkansas and it’s raining buckets outside. The trucker pulls over at a small gas station in the middle of nowhere, deciding to take a short break and wait for the rain to pass. He heads inside and is greeted by the store clerk. The clerk is a dirty looking man in his mid fifties wearing tattered jeans and a stained T-shirt.
“Boy, it sure is coming down out there. Would you happen to know if the rain’s supposed to let up anytime soon?” asks the trucker. The store clerk pauses, then proceeds to shove his hand down the back of his jeans and stick his index finger up his ass. He swirls it around for a moment before pulling it out and popping it in his mouth.
The trucker is frozen in shock as the clerk stands there sucking on his finger with a furrowed brow, as if deep in thought. Finally, he takes his finger out of his mouth and replies loudly in a thick country accent, “Half an hour! Sun’s gon’ come out in bout half an hour.”
The trucker, still shocked, takes a seat in the corner and decides to wait and see if the clerk is correct. Sure enough, 30 minutes later the rain stops and the sun starts shining through the clouds. The trucker approaches the clerk again “That was incredible, how could you tell that the rain would stop?” The clerk smiles and says “I checked the weather this morning”. | 3,531 |
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?" | 3,532 |
Border security stopped a man with TP hanging out of his butt They're unsure if he was smuggling it into the country, or he's just wiping too hard. | 3,533 |
Some kids are so stupid ..... The friend of my sister have a son 3-4 years old , whom she brings to our home. He is really adorable.
So we have this gate which if you want to enter, you have to lift your legs 2-3 feet high. Whenever she brings him, she lifts him and they both enter the home.
This one time I was watching them both as they were walking really fast towards our home and stopped at our gate because she had some stuff in her hands. I saw the sons face he was very confused because everytime they came they never stopped for a second she, lifted her son and they entered the home.
It felt like he was thinking "whenever I come in front of this gate I always get uplifted automatically and enter the gate" and was waiting to get lifted. | 3,534 |
Just heard on the news that some supermarkets are severely restricting how many of a particular item you can buy! Woolworths > 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - 500g pack of rice, 1 - Ppack of toilet paper;
Coles > 1- pack of toilet paper, 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - Can of beans;
Aldi > 1 - MIG welder, 1 - Ladies sports bra, 1 - 2m tall garden trellis | 3,535 |
What do you call a dessert that lets anyone eat it? A pan-cake. | 3,536 |
I think I have a spreading addiction to drinking beer. It may be the Coronavirus.
(Sorry if repost) | 3,537 |
*Visits Doctor* Doctor: Put your phone outside !!
Me: Why ?
Doctor: It’s Apple !! | 3,538 |
What do Jedi use to open PDF files? Adobe wan kenobi | 3,539 |
Do you know what is the hardest after a breakup? The fridge | 3,540 |
Chinese government has shown their hypocrisy yet again. They have exported to the whole world, yet when they learn that few of their new Corona cases are imported, they start throwing tantrums! | 3,541 |
There was a long queue when I'm entering the supermarket. The guards were checking the temperature of each customer's forehead with a IR thermometer before admitting them inside. Finally it was the turn of the old guy in front of me. He was reluctant at first but comply nervously.
Upon entering the market, I saw him scratching his head with a blurry face in front of an aisle. I approached him in case he need some help and asked if he was ok.
He turned towards me and said, "Curse them, the beamed my with that blasted thingy and now I forgot what my wife asked me to buy". | 3,542 |
"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you. So make sure you let everyone know to far cough. | 3,543 |
What's a vampire's favourite fruit? Blood orange. | 3,544 |
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps.
Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps.
The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.
Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting."
The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag." | 3,545 |
What did one magician say to another magician when the latter performed a bad trick Abra-kada-Bruh. | 3,546 |
When I was young my mother would wake up early to remove the crusts from my sandwiches.... .... She really hated me, she knew they were my favourite part. | 3,547 |
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now | 3,548 |
I don’t need to practice social distancing. I have already mastered it in 6th grade. | 3,549 |
The boredom of self isolation. Did you know that if you rest one of your testacles on top of a beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it will be slowly drawn inside.
If you did know this and you know how to get it out again, please let me know........
.......Urgently. | 3,550 |
Doctor Doctor! My penis has turned orange! Doctor: What have you been doing?
Me: Eating Cheetos and watching porn. | 3,551 |
I used to have sex with men who had small dicks Now I'm not sure if I have it in me. | 3,552 |
People that work in nuclear power plants are the least trendy people I know Plus, they have no idea how to dress and are not fissionable at all! | 3,553 |
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?! | 3,554 |
What did the fish yell as it collided with a wall mid-swim? DAMN! | 3,555 |
What's the difference between a baseball game and a female dog mending a wound? One is a pitching batch. | 3,556 |
Antisocial It seems that my antisocial behaviour has become the accepted norm. | 3,557 |
Jokes A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!" | 3,558 |
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because they would look funny with 6 inches. | 3,559 |
Social distancing is actually helping me with my dating life and getting me closer to women than ever now women come within 6 feet of me where before they wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. | 3,560 |
Damm girl, are you the coronavirus Because you killing me and fucking everyone else | 3,561 |
What do you call it when three trees have sex? A treesome | 3,562 |
Napoleon: *starts invasion* All of Europe: "Napoleon!"
Russia: "NapoleOFF" | 3,563 |
There are two kinds of handshakes... One for others and one for yourself | 3,564 |
I went to the doctor for hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair" | 3,565 |
I can’t believe Timpsons are closed I thought they were key workers | 3,566 |
My life Just my life | 3,567 |
They say Chuck Norris can kill 50 with his voice alone. But only a wuhan master can kill tens of thousands and shutdown the global economy with a sneeze. | 3,568 |
The stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer buys a new one.
Once he's arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says,"Listen here, Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!"
The old rooster says, "C'mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We'll stay in the back?"
The new rooster is adamant "No way! All the hens are mine!".
The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he'll leave and let the new rooster take over.
The only catch is that since the old rooster isn't in very good shape, he needs a head start.
So the roosters line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off.
As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is just in front of him. He is so close to beating him. He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.
That's when the farmer looks up from the front porch and sees the two roosters; he takes out his gun, shoots the new rooster in the head, and says,
"Damn! Third gay rooster this week!" | 3,569 |
Doctors advice Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the bordom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives. So I looked through the house to find all the things i've started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. | 3,570 |
My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee | 3,571 |
Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
Labrador retriever sitting there.
You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young..I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.....but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. Ten dollars,' the guy says.
Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'. | 3,572 |
What is Ms. Pacman's favourite kitchen utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok... | 3,573 |
Doctor: I’m afraid you have cancer and alzheimer’s Man: Doc, what’s alzheimer’s?
Doctor: it’s a disease that slowly destroys your memory and mental function. I understand this can be rough to go through and we have resources for you if you need them.
Man: Well at least i don’t have cancer | 3,574 |
a guy and a girl are on a date and they walk past a pond full of swans... ... the girl says "hey, i gotta tell you i can talk to animals" so the guy is like "no way thats insane, prove it!" so the girl turns towards the pond and yells " HEY SWAN, FUCK YOU! ". | 3,575 |
New Job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for
me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm .
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am , and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm ,
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am ?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours,
we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that." | 3,576 |
Quarantine day #(x+1) Even the food I eat would be less hygienic than I am. | 3,577 |
A Guy Is fed up with his case of intestinal Worms He decided its about time to have things checked out.
He goes and visits his local doctor, the doctor prescribes him medication.
He heads home and and struggles for weeks, to no avail.
He goes and visits a famous diagnostician, who tells him that the worms have grown far too strong for regular medicine, and that the only person that can fix his issues a Tanzanian monk who lives in a cottage on one of the highest African peaks.
The guy makes the arrangements and flies out seeking the monk.
After what seems the longest hike, he slowly opens the door to the monks room, the monk takes a look at him and interrupts him before he speaks.
" You have worms, you must procure a fresh water melon, cut it half, drop your undergarments and squat over it, the scout worm will come out, see the fresh fruit, and after consulting with the wise worm queen, they will migrate from your bowels to the fruit"
The guy seemed pretty convinced as it was a logical approach, with little else to lose, he decides to fly back home and try the remedy.
He hops to his local deli, buys a fresh watermelon and heads home.
He cuts the melon in half, drops his undergarments and squats over it, the scout worm comes out looks at the fresh fruit, and crawls back in, " the queen must see this" the worm exclaims, the queen soon comes out, looks at the watermelon and exclaims " Alright bois! Bring it UP!" | 3,578 |
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 3 months in prison 5 years ago He's yet to finish his sentence | 3,579 |
A highschool is having a talent show The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.
A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.
The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller." | 3,580 |
Can someone please check in with Mark Knopfler? I've heard he's in Dire straits. | 3,581 |
My personal driver has died recently Guess I'll have to update the driver | 3,582 |
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people Then it exploded | 3,583 |
I’ve noticed that my friends have been quite distant lately *cough* | 3,584 |
Good Cook. Little Johnny and his friend decide to have lunch together. Both of them take out their lunch boxes and Little Johnny starts eating straightway.
His friend asks, "Don't you pray before having food? I always do and so does my dad."
Little Johnny replies, "No. My mom is a good cook". | 3,585 |
Covid-19 Pickup Lines
Covid-19 cancelling everything except my love for you. | 3,586 |
There's love without sex, there's sex without love And there's you, without both | 3,587 |
You know why the pancake king lost his kingdom? Cuz he was usyruped. | 3,588 |
The only sport on right now is the game between the ocean and the beach It's tide | 3,589 |
So Canada has declared that they aren’t sending athletes to the Olympics this year. Why start now? | 3,590 |
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,
so make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste
and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass
out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is
tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his
wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink
Tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you
drink from the bottle." | 3,591 |
I was unable to beat my masturbation addiction for a long time... But now that I named my penis "masturbation addiction" its become surprising easy... | 3,592 |
I made a video about Covid-19... It went viral. | 3,593 |
Two hikers in the woods see a bear charging toward them... One immediately pulls a pair of running shoes out of his backpack, throws off his hiking shoes and starts putting them on. The other one asks: "You really think you're going to outrun the bear with those sneakers???"
​
He answered: "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you!" | 3,594 |
A man goes to a fortune teller's house for advice. He knocks on the door.
"Who's there?"
He walks away, disappointed. | 3,595 |
I told my wife she was drawing her eye brows to high She looked suprise | 3,596 |
My wife: a jellyfish stung me! quick, pee on it! Me: this is for stinging my wife! *pees on jellyfish* | 3,597 |
Who should direct the eventual Coronavirus movie where people are barefoot inside their homes? Quentin Quarantino | 3,598 |
Nobody seems to know Ryan Everywhere I read WHO's Ryan | 3,599 |
Have you heard of murphey's law? It's "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong".
Have you heard of Cole's law?It's thinly sliced cabbage | 3,600 |
This whole "Don't touch your eyes" thing is a cause for concern. I'm losing touch with my sense of (aqueous) humour. | 3,601 |
What does California and a granola bar have in common? They are filled with fruits, nuts, and flakes | 3,602 |
The Queen issues a message to the nation, urging everyone to come together The Queen issues a message to the nation, urging everyone to come together
​
​
​
Doesn't she understand what social distancing means? | 3,603 |
Kid Ink walks into a barbershop The barber isn’t in tune with modern pop culture, only knowing bits and pieces, so he doesn’t recognize the rapper.
Kid Ink decides to take advantage of this and play a harmless prank.
Kid Ink sits down in the barber chair. The barber, wanting to get to know his client better, breaks the ice by asking him his name.
Kid Ink responds and says “My name is Drake.”
The barber, not knowing how Drake looks like, is shocked and asks if that’s true.
The rapper laughs it off, and responds “No, I’m just Kid Ink”. | 3,604 |
Dad’s advice some years ago; “If you get into a fight in the pub, put a snooker ball in your sock.” Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk! | 3,605 |
Hey girl, did you test positive for COVID-19? Because I feel like I should socially distance myself from you. | 3,606 |
Why was the Multi Level Marketer in Egypt? Because he was building a pyramid. | 3,607 |
Hey girl, are you a toaster? Cuz I wanna turn you on and put you in my bath. | 3,608 |
My doctor told me that the coronavirus cure wasn’t ready yet. It told him to hurry it up because... Everybody wants to be a kung-flu fighter | 3,609 |
Got a bad case of corona bottom fell out and every one shattered | 3,610 |
I went to get my eyes tested the other day... The clinical was named 'Asif Eye Care'.
Worst service ever!!!
Nobody gives a fuck about anything there!!! | 3,611 |
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