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At the baseball game, I was wondering why the ball was looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. | 3,612 |
My friend asked me if i speak caveman one time I turned to him and said, “I’m speaking to one right now” | 3,613 |
With everybody freaking out about conserving toilet paper, I figured I'd try and do my part... So I started doing opioids. | 3,614 |
My life feels like a circle now! There's no point. | 3,615 |
Told my wife she reminds me of a Russian Doll She said “because of my beautiful skin?”
I said “No, you’re full of yourself.” | 3,616 |
Grandpa’s Social Distancing “I don’t care about social distancing!” My grandpa said.
Now he’s practicing six feet of social distancing from the ground. | 3,617 |
Ever hear of that NBA player named Druff? Think his first name is Dan... They say he’s Head & Shoulders above the competition! | 3,618 |
What do you get when you cross a black person with a jewish person? Ben Harper | 3,619 |
You're either with us or against us I'm at home | 3,620 |
Harvey Weinstein has coronavirus Must suck to have something invade your body against your will. | 3,621 |
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger working at a grocery store and I asked him.... "Where can I find the toilet paper?"
He replied, "Aisle B, back." | 3,622 |
What Momma buffalo said to her son before leaving? Bison. | 3,623 |
I'm reading a pretty interesting book right now. It's a long fictional story about how there are only two people on Earth, but their mysterious captor keeps them naked and hungry.
They read it in churches a lot. | 3,624 |
So dude wins the lottery... ...comes home. Bursts through the front door beaming!
"Honey! Pack your bags! I hit the jackpot! 323 MILLION DOLLARS!", he exclaims!
His wife begins reeling from the information. Almost fainting she says, "We won the lottery?! Oh my goodness, dear! Where should I pack for? The tropics? Las Vegas? The south of France? OH! Maybe Moscow?! Oh my love where are we going?!"
"I don't care where you pack for just get the fuck outta my house woman!" | 3,625 |
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An Investigator. | 3,626 |
Family Thanksgiving was never the same True story:
We were all sitting starting thanksgiving dinner and someone cracked open the soda, it hissed and my mom goes "that's just air escaping" and without pause I said "that's what she said"
Everyone lost it. | 3,627 |
Master, why does my ability not improve? Kung Fu student asks his teacher: "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training." | 3,628 |
What’s The Difference Between a Priest And Acne? Acne Waits Till You’re Thirteen To Come On Your Face. | 3,629 |
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, Too bad none of them work | 3,630 |
I like my women like I like my donuts. Filled with cream and ready to eat | 3,631 |
My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike. | 3,632 |
I'm gonna make an adult website for gardeners it's gonna be called hydropornic | 3,633 |
When I go to someone's house, they tell me to make myself at home. The first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like vistors. | 3,634 |
This family seemed angry with me when i asked them if they wanted their order fried or boiled... Anyways, I didnt like working in the cremation center | 3,635 |
Doctor: You really need to stop masturbating... Me: Why Doc?
Doctor: Because it's really hard to examine you while you are doing that | 3,636 |
Jesus: takes someones glass of water and turns it into wine The person drinks it
Jesus: you just drank my blood bruh, do you know who my dad is? | 3,637 |
Tonight has that erry zombie pre-apocalyptic feel to it... With all the non stop scary news on tv about covid, lights down low, the fire place popping and burning, all the kids beating on the front door, screaming “Let us in! We are hungry! blah blah blah” It’s just so real feeling. Like I’m literally sitting right here. | 3,638 |
I just noticed....... I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal. | 3,639 |
Where do a rappers go when they get corona virus? E R E R | 3,640 |
Day 3 of quarantine: Haven’t had sex in 6 months. | 3,641 |
Are you drunk under aged? No whisky was aged 23 years. | 3,642 |
If you're in Key West and drop your wallet... Kick it to Marathon before you pick it up. | 3,643 |
Today, I am revealing the three unwritten rules of comedy 1.
2.
3. | 3,644 |
I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6' away. | 3,645 |
Damm girl, are you the coronavirus? Because you piss me off and I want you to go away. | 3,646 |
THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up, throws back his hood with a flourish and cries "Ha-ha, I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!" | 3,647 |
When Hitler started invading other countries, nail salons and nail polish companies started to go out of business He used to much Polish Remover that people just stopped painting their nails | 3,648 |
What do u call a dandelion that used to be a rose? A transplant | 3,649 |
Got an old French war rifle for sale. Great condition. It's never been fired, and only dropped once. | 3,650 |
Epitaphs of the Famous * Al Jolson - Constantly shit-faced
* Helen Keller - Never missed the chance to get blind
* Liberace - Great on the piano, sucked on the organ | 3,651 |
A convo out of context Me: 2 holes, Both expelling air at the same time!
My dad: Lovely.
My mom: Lemme guess, the flu?
Me: No, Coffee and Red Bull
Only piece of context is we’re talking about a guy being shot in a show | 3,652 |
If your uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, Would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant? | 3,653 |
A difficult marriage. A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his muddy shoes in. They never tried to make each other happy anymore; it was just too much effort, and they were both tired.
They tried counseling and therapy, and they were given many things to try. They set aside one night a week for date night, but they could never agree what to eat or what movie to watch. They made a list of chores, but could never agree who should be responsible for which chores. They tried to spend time with friends, but could never agree who's friends they would visit.
Eventually the husband starting drinking. He would spend each night after work going to bars just so he wouldn't have to face going home. The wife started spending more time online chatting with strangers and fantasizing about meetups. The times they did spend together were filled with yelling and arguing.
The husband starting carrying a flask with him wherever he went. He would wake up and immediately start drinking, and he wouldn't stop until he passed out at night. He could hardly remember what it felt like to be sober.
The wife move from conversations online to coffee dates to motel infidelities. She never felt so alive as she did when driving to have sex with a stranger, and she never felt so worthless and dead inside as she did on the drive home.
The husband and wife decided enough was enough. They would get divorced before the relationship became violent. They spent months fighting each other and arguing about who would get each little thing they owned. They brought in lawyers to fight for custody over simple things like the tennis rackets and the silverware set. They argued until the last minute before they turned in the paperwork the day before their court date.
That day was just like all the others. The husband woke up, still a little drunk from the night before, and hit the bottle before speaking a word. The wife dolled herself up in the hopes she may meet a mysterious stranger at the courthouse and feel something other than sorrow. They got in the car and set out.
The husband had barely pulled the car out of the driveway when the arguments started. He was drunk, but refused to let his wife drive. She hated his driving and wanted to listen to her music. It wasn't long before his anger got the best of him and he started driving erratically. He slammed on the gas and swerved around a corner. Their car smashed into a parked Honda. The airbags deployed as smoke billowed out of the engine. The car caught fire, and the husband and wife struggled to free themselves from the wreckage. The owner of the Honda arrived just in time to pull the couple from the burning car.
Having been through a near death experience, the couple began to apologize for the first time in years through streaming tears and muffled sobs. The husband would stop drinking and help with the dishes. The wife would spend less time focused on herself and more time supporting her husband and the stress of his job. They were both sorry for the things they had done to each other. They decided they would work together, support each other, and try to make the relationship work.
Two weeks later, the husband and wife were having lunch with their mutual friends. They were sober, honest, happy, in love, and most of all they were not arguing. Their friends noticed the clear difference in the relationship and said, "Wow! It seems like you guys are doing so much better!"
The husband smiled at his wife and looked to their friends. He took a deep breath and said, "Our lives are changed, and we couldn't be happier, and it's all because we finally struck an Accord." | 3,654 |
What did Douglas Adams respond with after telling him your favourite toy story character? Forky too | 3,655 |
Has anyone seen Jake from State Farm? Is anyone else care State Farm is gaslighting us? Or is this one of those Mandela Effect situations? | 3,656 |
Quarantine day seven: I haven't talked to anyone in three weeks | 3,657 |
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? A Church. | 3,658 |
Why can't Kylo Ren get COVID-19? Because he's ben solo. | 3,659 |
You can’t turn a hoe into a house wife, but the coronavirus can | 3,660 |
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'
- Emo Philips | 3,661 |
Harvey Weinstein tests positive for coronavirus while in jail. He probably thought 19 in COVID-19 meant age. | 3,662 |
My four year old asked me where babies come from. I told him, a stork brings them. Then he said, what kind of pervert fucks a bird? | 3,663 |
My family treats me like a God They forget that I exist unless they want something | 3,664 |
Why do pickup trucks have so much sex? It's easy to get in their bed. | 3,665 |
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners But catscan | 3,666 |
Time for the biggest joke on the internet! *sigh*..... me | 3,667 |
A friend of mine has Corona... He isn't over 21 so should I report him to the police? | 3,668 |
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "don't do it!" He said, "nobody loves me." I said, "God loves
you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a
Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A
Christian." I said, "Me too!
Protestant or Catholic?" He said,
"Protestant." I said, "Me too! What
franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said,
"Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern
Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I
said, "Me too! Northern Conservative
Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative
Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern
Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He
said, "Northern Conservative Baptist
Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
"Northern Conservative Baptist Great
Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern
Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region
Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern
Conservative Baptist Great Lakes
Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die,
heretic!" And I pushed him off! | 3,669 |
Hey Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No son | 3,670 |
What do a jellyfish attack and spicing up a relationship have in common? They are both reasons I pissed on my wife. | 3,671 |
Been in self-isolation for the last week. Don't think it worked. Starting to feel a bit batty | 3,672 |
How far apart should people in Los Angeles stay during the pandemic? SoCal distance. | 3,673 |
Found out my cousin is a vegetarian now. The lengths he goes to have his wife swallow. | 3,674 |
The phrase that’ll be least likely to be used right now That went viral | 3,675 |
The army and the navy were looking for new recruits, when two boll weevil brothers showed up. The older brother had worked in Hollywood as the go-to guy whenever an insect was needed in a movie, while the other brother had never amounted to much.
The army recruited the older brother, while the navy recruited the younger brother. That day, the navy won a battle, while the army lost a battle.
And the moral of the story is, when in the military, always go with the lesser of two weevils. | 3,676 |
Millennial milestone: I finally moved out of my parents and moved in with my girlfriend. Her parents were supportive, too... They even let us bring food upstairs. | 3,677 |
What do you call a drug dealer's yacht? A speed boat. | 3,678 |
I bought some cheap single ply toilet paper the other day, and the brand name was Om. When I used it I really felt in touch with my inner self. | 3,679 |
What do you do if you are quarantine and stuck in the oval office? Netflix and Bill | 3,680 |
What did the priest say when COVID-19 asked for refuge in his church? Come back with a KIDOV 1-9 and maybe we can talk | 3,681 |
My Grandma laughed when I told her to stay six feet away from me. Now the closet we'll ever be is six feet | 3,682 |
What would Martin Luther King Jr be if he were white? Alive | 3,683 |
Harvey Weinstein tests positive for Coronavirus.... ...And Herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhoea, crabs and papilloma virus. | 3,684 |
Why was it messy when the elephant crossed the road? There were a lot of squished chickens | 3,685 |
What do you call an Irish Breakfast? A six pack and a potato. | 3,686 |
I hope this virus doesn't spread to Antarctica... I heard the local populous couldn't fly out of there even if they wanted to. | 3,687 |
My gay friend just came out a couple of weeks ago. Now the whole world is telling them to go back and stay inside. | 3,688 |
Supermarket cashiers must be really traumatized if they land in the ICU Beep, beep, beep... | 3,689 |
If someone has the banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on their wall That's a big red flag | 3,690 |
What does a 70 year old lady have between her breasts that a 20 year old lady doesn't have? Her bellybutton. | 3,691 |
What do you call a rock climbing weather man? A "climb it" specialist. | 3,693 |
So I sent this girl a dick Guy 1: " So I sent this girl a dick pic"
Guy 2: "Nice"
Guy 1: "And she sent one back, what should I say"
Guy 2: " Uh...What do you think"
Guy 1: "Why is it bigger than mine" | 3,694 |
Fun fact of the day Social distancing is just another excuse for people to ignore you twice as much. | 3,695 |
I thought about what my parents did before the internet. I asked my 18 siblings and they don't know either. | 3,696 |
Did you hear how much Tom Brady paid for his new piercings? A Buccaneer. | 3,697 |
Day 10 in quarantine The vacuum cleaner won't stop looking me in the eyes when I'm cumming
And I'm starting to like it... | 3,698 |
What happens if you run out of toilet paper that people are so scared of? you'll have to get your hands dirty | 3,699 |
Did you know that to make a crib that meets Federal standards, it takes at least 763 nails? But it only takes one screw to fill it. | 3,700 |
My friends mom counted over two in Spanish and died. You could say it was an Overdos. | 3,701 |
Do you want to hear a dad jokes? That's too bad, they have to come naturally. And that's how I became a dad. | 3,702 |
Have you guys heard about the second strain of the Corona virus? It's called Modelo. | 3,703 |
Stone-age While Fred the caveman was just relaxing after a tedious hunt, his wife came running to him, all in tears. "Fred, come quick, a sabre-toothed tiger just entered my mothers cave!"
Quite calm, Fred took another sip from his beer and said "So what? Who the hell cares what happens to a sabre-toothed tiger?" | 3,704 |
What do you call it when you give a gold award to a joke? Comedy gold. | 3,705 |
A man goes to a brothel and asks for a unique experience. A man goes to a brothel and asks for a unique experience.
The madam introduces him to a working woman with a glass eye whom brings him to her room.
Once there, she pops the glass eye out of the socket and tells the man to insert his penis in the orifice and thrust in and out.
Following her instruction, he soon reaches the most intense orgasm of his life.
"Thank you," he says, giving her an extra $20 as his seminal fluid drips out of her eye. "I will definitely be coming back to see you again soon, and on a regular basis."
"Great," she replies. "I'll keep an eye out for you. | 3,706 |
I've never done drugs. The only thing I'm getting higher on is the FBI Most Wanted List. | 3,707 |
I've told my employees to not worry about the quarentine. My landlord can wait for the rent and I can pay their wages until they die as long as they die next week | 3,708 |
Should I get COVID-19? or should I wait until COVID-20 comes out? | 3,709 |
My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game He got life. | 3,710 |
What do you call a group of homosexuals that join the Army of Northern Virginia? The Stonewall Brigade | 3,711 |
When I heard DJI had its worst day in history. I thought a bunch of drones failed. | 3,712 |
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