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What do you call a German that is blind? A not - see | 3,713 |
What's the hardest part about being vegan? Waking up at 5 every morning to milk the almonds. | 3,714 |
Apparently the tinnitus help line is down today... ...I tried calling but it just keeps ringing | 3,715 |
3 Jews are in a concentration camp. The Nazi officer asks the first one "how high can you jump?"
" 1 meter " says the first Jew. The officer gives him some bread and water and asks the second Jew the same question. "I can jump 2 meters high" . "Not bad" says the officer and gives him wine and fish. The third Jew thinking that he got the gist of the game proudly announces that he can jump 4 meters high.
The Nazi officer shouts "SHOOT HIM HE CAN JUMP OVER THE FENCE" | 3,716 |
A teacher asked her class, "What is sex?" Johnny got up and said, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination to increase the population of the next generation.
"Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" | 3,717 |
Was going to throw a party next week but thanks to covid 19 It’s up in the air. | 3,718 |
Working in retail right now must feel like a zombie apocalypse... ...because one wrong move and you alert the hoard | 3,719 |
I'm going to start growing and selling chili peppers this summer I hear it's a hot commodity | 3,720 |
What did cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass. | 3,721 |
What do you call it when you have 20 crows, but one dies of coronavirus? CORVID-19 | 3,722 |
I wanted to make a social distancing joke. But this is as close as I could get. | 3,723 |
"Father, why is my name 'Rose'? "Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital."
"Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?"
"Yes it is."
"eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh"
"Quiet, Brick" | 3,724 |
Looks like I'll have to wait for that new movie "Constipation" ... it hasn't come out yet | 3,725 |
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the Old West. If only the cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone else. | 3,726 |
My wife only lets me have sex doggy-style I have to sit up and beg while she rolls over and plays dead. | 3,727 |
Yo Mama’s so fat. There’s flat mama theories about her. | 3,728 |
why are basketball players who suck at dribbling a high risk for covid 19? because they've traveled recently | 3,729 |
Did you hear of the new Jewish rapper that was too cheap to buy fancy jewelry, cars, etc? His name is Lil Steep | 3,730 |
Son: why is my sister's name Paris? Dad: because she was concieved in Paris.
Son: oh, thanks dad.
Dad: No problem, Quarantine. | 3,731 |
Do you like fish sticks What are you a gay fish? | 3,732 |
When Bird Blu came along no one cared. They said 'Yeah sure, I'll start preparing for pandemics... When pigs fly!' They really should have prepared more for Covid-19 though, cause...
Swine Flu!!! | 3,733 |
We might eventually get herd immunity But what about hoard immunity? | 3,734 |
What do you say when you’re running late for your quarantine? Isolate. | 3,735 |
The people in netherland are stocking up with toilet paper and weed For shits and giggles. | 3,736 |
I went trick or treating as Gandhi I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy" | 3,737 |
- Mommie, what is a Canadian? \- It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie. | 3,738 |
Couple having problem in the bedroom So he takes matter into his own hand | 3,739 |
What do you call someone with mismatching socks during a threesome? Bisocksual | 3,740 |
How do you get a toilet to laugh? You tell it a shitty joke. | 3,741 |
So there’s this Scientist named Rick, and he turns himself into a pickle. You *could* call him Rickle. | 3,742 |
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex
drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it." | 3,743 |
A woman calls her mother and says: "Mom, I've got a new boyfriend. His name is Jim and he's a postman in your neighbourhood." - Jim? But he could be your father!
- Yes, he is a bit old, but age is just a number!
- Darling, I don't think you understand what I mean... | 3,744 |
What is going to be a popular name for the boomers after the Covid-19? Covid? Corona? Whuham? | 3,745 |
My dog hijacked my Reddit account and told everyone where we live. TIL: Never adopt a Doxxhund. | 3,746 |
Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
... Peer pressure | 3,747 |
Donald Trump, the Pope, the oldest man in the world and a 10 year old are all on a plane when it is about to crash. Donald Trump reaches for the boys backpack when the German Pilot regained control of the plane and says ‘no jokes’ | 3,748 |
Dark humor is like toilet paper Not everyone gets it | 3,749 |
I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow dung as fuel But I think it's bullshit | 3,750 |
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly. It’s a little drum attic. | 3,751 |
A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle
When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him.
The guy looks at his situation...and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!"Just then, the clouds above opened, and a bright light shined down upon him..and he heard a great, thunderous, but calm voice, and he said, "No, my son..you are NOT fucked. Pick up the large rock at your feet, and strike the man in front of you with all your might".The young man doesn't hesitate. He reaches down, picks up the rock, draws back and hits the chief right in the head.The chief just falls backwards, dead. Plop.The tribesmen all look at the chief, and then look at the young man, with a total look of stunned disbelief.Then the voice from above speaks again.."*NOW* you're fucked". | 3,752 |
R. Kelly has just tested negative for Covid 19 Bet if it was Covid 15 he'd be all over that though. | 3,753 |
I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM... [locks door] | 3,754 |
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation? Mumbai | 3,755 |
19 and 20 got into a fight 21 | 3,756 |
Two cannibals killed a man in the jungle
And started eating their victim, one starting at the head and the other starting at the feet.
After a while, the cannibal who had started at the feet asked his friend, "How are you doing?"
"I'm having a ball!" came the reply.
"Slow down, you're eating too fast!" | 3,757 |
Stay-in-place has been enacted in order to flatten the curve... Doing nothing, though, has resulted in my curve growing exponentially. | 3,758 |
Trying to get six feet away from my wife.
She thinks I am digging a swimming pool. | 3,759 |
My girlfriend is like the iPhone 9 It doesn’t exists | 3,760 |
A man goes to a whorehouse but he’s short on cash.. ...he only has 20 bucks!
Madame: that would get you a chicken but if you’re really horny, I think that’ll do, she has a great ass and it’s $15
Guy: that’s ok get me the chicken
The madame takes him to a room where there’s a big chicken tied to a post, so he says what the hell and goes to business and fucks the chicken.
Next day, guy is still horny, but he now only has $5
He decides to go again to the same brothel to see if there’s something for him.
Madame: wtf? Only $5? Well, come with me
She takes him to a room full of guys jerking off watching thru peepholes in the wall, charges the guy $5 and leaves
So the guy asks another
- hey, is that a great movie?
- no movie, live show!
- really! What’s it about? Lesbians? Foursomes? Midgets? Milfs?
- don’t know, always a different one! Yesterday there was a guy fucking a chicken! | 3,761 |
Someone just stole some grass from my garden Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf | 3,762 |
A blonde a brunette and a redhead are running away from some killers... ... when they find themselves at the end of a dead end ally. They see 3 burlap sacks and hop in. The killers come over wondering where the ladies are and see the sacks.
One of the killers goes up the the brunettes bag and kicks it. “Woof woof” says the brunette. The killer then says “oh there’s just dogs in that bag.”
He goes up to the redheads bag and kicks it. “Meow meow” says the redhead. The killer then “says oh there’s just cats in that bag.”
Finally he goes to the blondes bag and kicks it. The blond say “potatoes”
---
Heard this one from my math teacher a while back. Sorry if it’s a repost but I though y’all would get a _kick_ out of it! ;) | 3,763 |
A monkey and a cue ball A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the
bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some
sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and
grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's
amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and
somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and
said, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't
worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill,
paid for the stuff the monkey ate and
left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and
had his monkey with him. He ordered a
drink and the monkey started running
around the bar. The monkey found a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it
out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and
again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out
and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what
that filthy ape just did?"
"No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry
and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled
them out and ate them."
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever
since he had to shit out that cue ball, he
measures everything first." | 3,764 |
What di the little boy say to the catholic priest Choke me father | 3,765 |
How do you get an Irishman on a roof? Tell them the drinks are on the house. | 3,766 |
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive." | 3,767 |
a prince was put under a spell so that he could speak one word per year. if he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.
one day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. he refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her "my darling". but then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. at the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited yet another four years. finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said "my darling, i love you! will you marry me?"
and the lady responded, "pardon?" | 3,768 |
I haven't seen shelves this empty Since Paris Hilton showed me her personal library | 3,769 |
WARNING to people on Facebook, There is a link going round claiming to be a live performance from Chris Martin in his home, Do NOT click this link as it will take you to a live performance from Chris Martin in his home. | 3,770 |
I wanted to make a joke about gay people... But it didn’t come out | 3,771 |
2016-2017-2018-2019... 20Quarantine | 3,772 |
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor... "Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital! | 3,773 |
As a Georgia Pacific dedicated truck driver... I’m not sure how I feel about being a hoarding enabler | 3,774 |
Why is the fish the sexiest creature alive ? because it's a pussy magnet | 3,775 |
What was Obito favorite part about being high? Getting stoned. | 3,776 |
"There is no i in team" said the phone But there is in iPhone! | 3,777 |
If you enter the store and there is a huge queue don’t be upset, just greet them Buongiorno! | 3,778 |
Is it solipsistic in here? Or is it just me? | 3,779 |
Choice Never laugh at your girlfriend’s choices.
You’re one of them. | 3,780 |
Girlfriend I said, “I love you so much. I could never live without you.”
My girlfriend giggled and asked, “Is that you talking or the beer?”
I said, “It’s me talking to the beer…” | 3,781 |
What's a cowboys favourite car Haudi | 3,782 |
Don’t believe everything that comes out the backside of a cow. Half of its bullshit. | 3,783 |
What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination? Back to being plain ol' BernOuts | 3,784 |
A “Yo Mama” joke Yo mama so ugly that the government moved Halloween to her birthday. | 3,785 |
I went to the cemetery today... I knew every body there would be 6 feet away from me. | 3,786 |
Only artists will get this joke You know why I can never find my non-photo pencil
Because it's really hard to see | 3,787 |
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend. None of you are invited | 3,788 |
Why did Rand Paul delay the vote on the COVID-19 response? He wasn't sure how to vote and wanted to wait until he was positive. | 3,789 |
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for his miserable summer. | 3,790 |
1 in every 5 people is Chinese I know that I'm not Chinese, and my parents aren't Chinese.
So it's either my brother Li Xiu Ying, or my brother Kyle.
I think it's Kyle. | 3,791 |
Neighbours make so much noise with their frantic sex They need to calm the fuck down. | 3,792 |
What do you call a musical concert that uses cutlery? A forkestra | 3,793 |
What's your favourite Roald Dahl book? Mine's "Ma~". | 3,794 |
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats.
The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"
Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."
The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.
The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!" | 3,795 |
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I'd like to see a dessert menu. I said "No, that's the last thing I want". | 3,796 |
People always ask if I'm thirteen or fourteen. But I'm actually quaranteen | 3,797 |
My sisters were playing Concentration The topic was mythical creatures
My sister said "Dad". | 3,798 |
If you receive an email with the subject ‘Knock Knock’... Don’t open it, it’s just Jehovah’s Witnesses working from home! | 3,799 |
The best person in the world is the one who studies cheese graters Why? Because they're the grateist. | 3,800 |
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat. | 3,801 |
My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager. I guess she found out about me and the babysitter. | 3,802 |
Joke I heard today Friend: I put the sexy in dyslexia.
Me:...
Friend:....
Me:....
Friend:... Wait | 3,803 |
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week. I don’t know how much she charges, | 3,804 |
I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..." And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango. | 3,805 |
I know a guy who has wrapped himself in foil for 3 days. He thought he had to self insulate. | 3,806 |
I finally got laid.... ...off from work for 3 months... | 3,807 |
I asked my locksmith why he wasn't at home self isolating. He told me he was a key worker. | 3,808 |
What happens when a dildo gets set on fire? It experiences *burning sensation* | 3,809 |
I forehead started feeling warm last night. I was scared until I realized it was just a Saturday Night Fever. Ah-ah-ah-I'm Staying Alive, Staying Alive.
​
Hope you all are well and safe.
\*My forehead | 3,810 |
Why don’t orphans like to play baseball? Because they don’t know where home is. | 3,811 |
They tell us to tap elbows instead of shaking hands. Then they tell us to sneeze into our elbows. | 3,812 |
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