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I came up with a new pickup line If I could rearrange you alphabet, I’d put U next to D | 3,813 |
A Viagra shipment has been stolen The police are searching for hardened criminals. | 3,814 |
Marten the Mallard likes shoes, but is loyal to only one brand... Duck Martens | 3,815 |
My religion is Euphemism. I worship Gosh and his son Gee Whiz, so I won't be darned to heck. | 3,816 |
Moscow, 1970's. Freezing winter. The local butchershop is about to receive a new shipment of meat. The day before, large crowd starts gathering in front of the butchershop. People are equipped with hot tea, warm coats and peacefully start forming a queue.
After a few hours, the butcher steps outside and says: "Unfortunately, we won't be getting enough meat for everyone! The jews must go home!"
The jews orderly pack their things and head home.
A couple more hours pass and the butcher steps out again and says: "Unfortunately, we won't be getting any meat at all! Everyone must go home!"
The dissapointed mass of people slowly starts dispersing and a lone utterance can be heard from the crowd:
"Goddamn jews, they got lucky again!" | 3,817 |
Why did Trump visit the Daytona 500? He’s into racing duh.... why do you think everybody calls him a racist? | 3,818 |
The guardsman, the commissar, and the orks. Preface: In case you are not familiar with the Warhammer universe, if enough orks believe something, reality will warp to make it so. And no... I am not the author of the joke... Do get over it please.
​
Once upon a time, there was a fierce battle raging in the jungle between the Imperial Guard, and the local ork warband. Eventually, they were running so low on supplies that everyone only had the ammo on their person left. Gathering his courage, one of the guardsmen floated the idea of a tactical advance towards the home base to their commissar.
"Sir, at this rate, we will have no ammo left in an hour."
"Don't be ridiculous, soldier! All you need is your faith in the Emperor."
The commissar looked at him disapprovingly, raised his pistol at a charging ork, and yanked it up while shouting BANG! To everyone's surprise, the ork fell to the ground, unmoving.
Emboldened, the soldiers started imitating him as they ran out of ammo, and the orks kept falling. Eventually they were really getting into it, even tossing rocks as grenades, and the battle was soon turning in their favour. Suddenly though, the orks broke through the "fire" and trampled the guardsmen. Before he lost consciousness, the last thing he heard, was the orks' chanting.
"IMMA TANK IMMA TANK IMMA TANK" | 3,819 |
Day 7 of quarantine: Found a stranger in my living room Edit: Just discovered that he's my dad, finally back 13 years after leaving to buy milk. | 3,820 |
Dear Hand sanitizer Can’t touch this!
Regards,
%0.000001 germ | 3,821 |
Why are former Stasi agents the best taxi drivers in Berlin? All you have to do is tell them your name. They already know where you live. | 3,822 |
KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old jewish man reading a book... "What are you reading, old man?" he asks.
"I'm learning hebrew, comrade." replies the old jew.
KGB agent doesn't understand: "What are you learning hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one."
"I'm learning hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moises and Abraham." replies the old man.
"How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell?" asks the KGB agent.
"I already speak russian!" | 3,823 |
I asked my wife if she knew what the Mandela Effect was... She said she thinks she remembers hearing about it when she was a kid, but she isn’t really sure of the details... | 3,824 |
Area 51 You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" | 3,825 |
Three men are captured by natives A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison. The Frenchman cries, "Vive la France!", quaffs the poison, and dies.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest -- everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing?!"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, ya jerk!" | 3,826 |
Rudolf the Red Actual joke I heard on my date yesterday:
So a couple was walking down the streets of Russia, when it began to precipitate.
The man looked at the woman and said, "Its snowing!" And the woman promptly replied, "No dear, it's raining."
They went on arguing back and forth until they came upon a KGB Officer named Rudolf.
They asked him, "Comrade, can you solve this problem for us, tell us please, is it snowing or raining?"
Rudolf pondered this a moment and replied, "It is raining of course."
Joyous in her triumph, the woman looked at the man and said "see! Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!" | 3,827 |
I tried to poop on my neighbour's property. Then the shit hit the fence. | 3,828 |
Why are teenagers odd? Because they literally can't even... | 3,829 |
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both like to pop open a nice cold one. | 3,830 |
What does a squirrel and a therapist have in common? You can get both out of a tree when you pull down your pants and show them ur nuts. | 3,831 |
Coffee filters work for toilet paper but, they're not very absorbent and they make the coffee taste bad. | 3,832 |
Biggest difference between 2019 and 2020 Last year everyone wanted to go viral. | 3,833 |
It’s mayhem outside I got jumped by 6 dwarves Not happy | 3,834 |
A toilet has been confirmed stolen Unfortunately, the police have nothing to go on | 3,835 |
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time... ... and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway." | 3,836 |
What does it take to turn a Trump Supporter into a socialist? $1,000 | 3,837 |
Me Tarzan, you Jane... When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel." | 3,838 |
Today I just got a cvs A Corona virus symptom | 3,839 |
Buying cat treats at Walmart today TRUE STORY. I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food. As I stood in line some lady made a smartass remark to me for coming to the store just for cat treats. I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding the food. Her little girl started crying. I didn't even feel bad. Next time mind your business. | 3,840 |
Had Adam and Eve been Chinese... ...there would have been no Covid-19.
They would have eaten the serpent,
the bat, the pangolin and Satan. | 3,841 |
Did You Hear The One About The Deaf Tire? Neither did he. He was spared. | 3,842 |
I have an addiction to the Hokey Pokey... But I'm turning myself around. | 3,843 |
My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife. | 3,844 |
My mother never attempted to wean me off of breast feeding. Just cut me off entirely one day... as if that first year of college wasn't difficult enough | 3,845 |
People who are calling people xenophobic for calling the Corona virus the Chinese or Wuhan virus are idiotic, what about the Spanish flu is that not xenophobic This man has been arrested and is now on trial for exicution for being racist and xenophobic | 3,846 |
A British mail carrier known for his whistling was found dead this morning Apparently he couldn't carry a tune to save his life | 3,847 |
What's the name of the Russian that just wants to be left alone? Backov | 3,848 |
You know, I never understood why Obama had to give his speeches behind bulletproof glass. I mean, I know he's black and all, but I highly doubt he's going to shoot anyone. | 3,849 |
What do you call a depressed coffee? A depresso | 3,850 |
My raven was feeling sick the other day... Vet said he'd contracted CORVID-19. | 3,851 |
Why are there no fat people in Japan? The last time they had a Fat Man 80,000 people died. | 3,852 |
What does a gay guy say when he fails to get laid? I failed an opportunity to suck seed. | 3,853 |
In 9 month, they'll be a baby boom, you got Gen Z and all that.. .. this next Generation will be called Corronials | 3,854 |
A drug addict often ignored the urgency to pee and chose to do drugs and get high instead. He got kidney stoned. | 3,855 |
Paula Dybala got tested positive for Corona. This proves you need more than a mask to protect yourself from Corona. | 3,856 |
What do a secret agent and a male prostitute have in common? When the job is half done, they both say "I'm in." | 3,857 |
Having sex with someone you know at work is okay. As long as you dont work in a elementary school. | 3,858 |
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center? He was fired for Just Caws | 3,859 |
I recently took a trip down memory lane I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. | 3,860 |
People always ask me whether I’m fifteen or sixteen But in reality I am quaranteen. | 3,861 |
I was on my local bus today. I noticed that they have seats for: pregnant ladies; disabled people and elderly. I though. Who's fucking all these old cripples. | 3,862 |
I’ve heard that the virus has mutated since it started in China It’s now Desperados | 3,863 |
What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby with a clown nose.
What's funnier than a dead baby with a clown nose?
A clown with a dead babys' nose | 3,864 |
Old Couple An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
Is that one word or two?" | 3,865 |
Now that New York's in lock down, what will the Wall Street traders be doing? Insider trading. | 3,866 |
Corona is so popular on the internet right now. You might say it's gone viral. | 3,867 |
Inspiring speech ! I gave an inspiring speech to my company today:
"if you build it, they will come!"
I run a high end dildo factory! | 3,868 |
Is it a sign that I'm gay... ... that every time I look in the mirror, I find myself attractive? Or am I homophobic? | 3,869 |
Guess what is the only test I can get A+ Blood test | 3,870 |
🇨🇦Due to overbooking at doctors offices and emergency rooms There will be free mammograms and free moustache rides at apt 306 | 3,871 |
I don't need to worry about social distancing. Nobody comes near me anyways | 3,872 |
Not related but help I'm stuck in a loophole of reddit everytime I join same jokes and memes if I restart phone or reddit or both nothing still same posts. I'm bored of the same jokes and memes over and over please helP
EDIT: i Am free once again ty u/greenbastard35 i had to reinstall reddit 3 times | 3,873 |
What did the optimist say when he was pushed off a storey building? so far so goo... | 3,874 |
What do you call two guys who engage in sexual activity with someone for money? Brostitutes | 3,875 |
Little boy walks on the FKK beach He sees this nude woman, points to her mouth and asks what is that?
She replies: these are my mouth.
The boy asks if he can smell her mouth.
She agrees and the boy replies that it smells nicely.
After a while he points at her boobs and asks her about them, she tells him that those are boobs and after he asks her if he can smell them she agrees.
He tells her that they smell nice.
The third time he points at her vagina.
She tells him well that's my pussy and allows him to smell it.
The boy says IS IT DEAD?! | 3,876 |
So I was talking to a wrestler today about the virus and its affects on him. He said its hard to grapple with the situation. | 3,877 |
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair | 3,878 |
I was sitting at the bar alone the other day, then a pretty lady asked me if the seat is taken with a gentle smile on her face. So I said “of course not, by all means, have a seat” “Thank you so much”, she replied
And proceeded to take the chair. | 3,879 |
There are three types of people in society. Those who can count.
And those who cant. | 3,880 |
A well-traveled man goes to a strip club When he gets a lap dance from one of the strippers, he asks if she is Chilean
‘Yes, I am!’ she says ‘How did you know?’
‘Well’ says the man ‘Much like Chile, you are tall and slim’
He later gets a lap dance from another stripper, and asks if she is Swiss
‘Yes, I am!’ she says ‘How did you know?’
‘Well’ says the man ‘Much like Switzerland, you have some rather large mountains’
He later gets a lap dance from another stripper, and asks if she is Finnish
‘Yes, I am’ she says ‘Do my blonde hair and green eyes make it obvious?’
‘No’ says the man ‘It’s your forest in the south’ | 3,881 |
A man goes to the doctors office for a check up with his wife once every 10 years Every time he goes his wife sits in with him to make sure he listens to the doctor’s advice.
When the man is 30 the doctor comes in and asks him, do you drink, smoke or have sex? The man replies, “almost every day.” The doctor tells him to cut down on smoking or he’ll die of lung disease by 40. The embarrassed wife says “He’s not a chain smoker but I’ll make sure he cuts back”
When he’s 40, the same doctor comes in and asks again, do you drink, smoke, or have sex? The man replies, I’ve cut down on smoking like you said, but i drink and have sex almost every day still. The doctor says to cut out drinking or his liver will fail by 50. The wife embarrassed again says “He’s not an alcoholic but I’ll make sure he slows down”
When he’s 50 they go back to the same doctor, and he asks him again, do you drink, smoke or have sex? The man replies I cut out smoking and drinking like you said but I still have sex almost every day. The doctor says to cut out sex or his heart will fail by 60. The embarrassed wife again says “He’s not a sex addict, I’ll make sure he takes it easier.”
When he’s 60 the man goes back, but shows up without his wife. The same doctor asked what happened to her. The man replies “She is too old and can’t follow him around anymore.” The doctor asks the man again do you drink, smoke or have sex?
The man replies, I drink and smoke everyday since my wife can’t stop me anymore, but even with my wife so old we still have sex almost everyday. The doctor, curious now, asks how he can still keep up with the sex. The man replies, “Oh it’s very easy. We have sex almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday” | 3,882 |
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits. | 3,883 |
I really like 50 cent Or as we call it in zimbabwe, 40 trillion dollars | 3,884 |
"Ding Dong" If you get an email with the subject "Ding Dong", don't open it!
These emails are from Jehovah's witnesses working from home. | 3,885 |
Covoid-19 walks into a bar. Bartender says we're closed. | 3,886 |
A man walks into an unfamiliar bar He sits down at the bar and sees a pot of cash filled to the brim with notes. As he orders his drink he ask the bartender "what's with the pot of cash?"
The barman replies "we have a 3 tier game going on, winner takes all. £100 entry."
"Just out of curiosity, whats involved?" Asks the stranger.
"Well, first part is, you see the bouncer there? You have to knock him out in one punch. Second part, well we have this rottweiler out back with a dodgy tooth, it needs pulling, but that dog's too vicious for anyone to get close to."
"And the third part?" Enquires the stranger.
"Ah, well, the landlady of this establishment here, she lost her husband a fair few years ago, and has since become a bit of a recluse. Third part is you have to go upstairs, and give her a good old rogering."
The stranger looks at his drink and says "that's ridiculous, you'd have to be bonkers to play".
By pint 7, looking at the pot of cash, the stranger pulls out £100, slams it into the pot, rushes over to the bouncer, and with a clean strike, sends the bouncer flying to the floor unconscious. He makes his way out back with a determined look.
The rest of the bar have seen stage one and excitedly rush to the back door where all they here are barks and thrashing, then followed by yelps and silence. The stranger kicks open the back door, clothes shredded and covered in blood and shouts "Right! Where's this landlady with a dodgy tooth!?" | 3,887 |
Reason for Corona toilet roll hoarding solved One person sneezes and ten people shit themselves. | 3,888 |
Hitler might have been the brains behind the evil Nazi regime.. But Eva was the Braun. | 3,889 |
A man and his wife call about their house on fire So the firefighter says to them was this a gas leak or do you think somebody set it on fire.
Wife: *Looks at husband
Husband: *Looks at wife
They both answered by saying we have a bad relationship with our kid so I think it was Arson | 3,890 |
Working from home can often surprise the people around you look at prostitutes, for example. | 3,891 |
Trump is the kind of guy who, when you go to war... You want him in the other side’s foxhole. | 3,892 |
I don't like it when people shake my hand. They're choking my girlfriend. | 3,893 |
Trump has 2 sides to his brain, the left side and the right side In the left side, there’s nothing right and in the right side, there’s nothing left | 3,894 |
I tried searching for lost medieval servant boy, but all I got was 'page not found'. | 3,895 |
My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail. They called it a "Jury Summons." | 3,896 |
Well that was uncomfortable,..after using the last of the toilet roll I've started using lettuce leaves.. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.. | 3,897 |
Clocks go forward next week, Hopefully at least 6 months | 3,898 |
A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash "What can I get for 5 bucks?
"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."
Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away.
The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"
​
Edit: haha folks, you are amazing!!!
Edit 2: someone is downvoting your hahas. This makes me sad :'(
Edit 3: what a turn! Wholesome Reddit users are silently upvoting all the comments back! (\*pωq\*)
Edit 4: it was awesome observing your collaboration but I have to go to bed now. Can’t wait to count your hahas tomorrow!
Edit 5: good morning awesome haha people! <3 | 3,899 |
Me: My parents conceived me during the Coronavirus outbreak of 2020 Them: "OK, Flumer." | 3,900 |
what is the nickname of jojos mothers jojo mama | 3,901 |
What dose a math teacher say to a student getting a car Make sure to get a car to get a good modal | 3,902 |
Why are men so good at hide and seek? Because it doesn’t matter if you’re ready or not, he will cum. | 3,903 |
What is propaganda? It's when an English person gets a good look at something | 3,904 |
Anniversary Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their
honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ....'Sorry I'm
running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know
how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father.
"The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to
shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then, the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry,
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I
didn't have time to get you anything.."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very
poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very
much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too." | 3,905 |
I asked the woman I was sitting next to on the train, "if I could smell her feet?" She looked at me crazy and said, "NO! That's Gross!"
So I said, "Ah must be your pussy then." | 3,906 |
Damn burglar A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard. | 3,907 |
What do you do if you wanna have a party in space? You planet | 3,908 |
Sister I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot yesterday. I said, “What the hell are you doing, I was going to eat that.” She said, “You can still eat it.” I said, “I know, but now it’s going to taste like carrots.” | 3,909 |
It's cruel that my Wife decides to leave me just because I am terrible with sex Even after I told her, that I am starting to get practical lessons from her hot friends. Why cant she wait until I finish my lessons before making a decision? | 3,910 |
Me: I'm a time traveler **Interviewer:** so tell me something about yourself? | 3,911 |
A man comes home from work and finds his wife in bed with another man. He's furious.
"Idiot! Here you are sleeping while Target next-door is selling toilet paper and they have only 3 rolls left!" | 3,912 |
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