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Two biological brothers were fighting One called the other a "son of a b*tch"... | 3,913 |
At the cemetery At the cemetery, the Gravedigger digs quietly and puffs from his cigarette from time to time.
From a nearby grave, a hand pops out and soon the other hand emerges too. The Gravedigger, minding his own business, keeps on digging and smoking peacefully.
Not after long the dead rises completely, rotten flesh all over and with a hideous grimace on his face. The Gravedigger keeps on digging and smoking peacefully.
The dead rushes at him, screaming, and tries to scare the Gravedigger but he barely gives a look at the creature and keeps on digging and smoking peacefully.
Seeing there\`s no way to scare the Gravedigger, the dead heads for the cemetery wall and tries to jump over.
Suddenly a shovel hits the nape of the dead so hard he falls down in shock.
The Gravedigger: "We joke, we laugh, but we don\`t leave the premises".
\#StayAtHome | 3,914 |
There's an organised display of appreciation for our emergency workers planned on the 26th March, called "Clap for our Carers".
If it's any help, I've already given the housekeeper gonorrhea. | 3,915 |
Social distancing People say I have always been a big prick. This social distancing doesn’t seem to be a big deal to me. | 3,916 |
The real joke would be.... All the leaders telling us, April fool MADAFAKAS and telling us that Corona was a lie. | 3,917 |
My neighbor sells home security systems, he's pretty good at it too. If nobody's home, he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table | 3,918 |
I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool 5x0=0 | 3,919 |
A man from the US with COVID-19 is the in an Australian hospital. He looks at the nurse and says, "Did I come here to die?"
The nurse turns and replies, "No, you came here yestaday"
edit: sorry for the title | 3,920 |
According to his biography, Bob Marley's two favourite interests were fashion and comedy. Or, as he called them, Get Up and Stand Up. | 3,921 |
A man goes to a brothel. The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied,
"I wan to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam.
He replied,
"No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row."
"Where are you from?"
The man replied,
" New Brunswick ."
"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ."
"I know." the man said.
"Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance." | 3,922 |
Half nuts I weigh 200 pounds. Each one of my balls weigh 50 pounds. | 3,923 |
What's the difference between a fitness blog and a porn site? One's all about proteins, whilst the other is more about amateur teens | 3,924 |
What do you call a guy with a rabbit in his ass? Warren | 3,925 |
Now that we're all self-isolating, the children just stand there looking miserably through the window. But I think they should be grateful that I'm passing food out through the letterbox to them three times a day. | 3,926 |
An asteroid might hit the Earth next month, and I figured out why everyone is collecting toilet papers Because paper beats rock. | 3,927 |
If being beautiful was a crime I would only be arrested for fifth degree murder | 3,928 |
There were too many pencils that they made a whole state. It was named Pencilvania. | 3,929 |
I worked out how Coronavirus is going to kill me. After weeks of confinement, my wife is going to club me for being a dick. | 3,930 |
I'm concerned that my uncle won't survive the ICU, but he must be the luckiest man in the world. He'll get a blowjob for the rest of his life. | 3,931 |
[OC] What do you call the mum with the most kids in the world? Maximum. What do you call a mum with just 1 child? Minimum. What do you call a woman with no kids? Optimum.
Happy mother's day! | 3,932 |
Dear diary, day 5 of quarantine... Enjoying the sweet salty taste of my ankle, but damn if these teeth aren’t gnawing. | 3,933 |
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people Now I am at the hospital. | 3,934 |
If we stand closely together to fight the virus that will give us unherd-of immunity. | 3,935 |
What's the similarity between a person in coma and a vegan person? They're both in vegetative state. | 3,936 |
Donald Trump refers to the Coronavirus as the “Chinese Virus” because... ... he’s had enough of the Spanish Flu | 3,937 |
What is green in yellow? A leaf inside a taxi | 3,938 |
Coronavirus Pandemic Day 17 If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing human interaction but I have my dogs.. for now.. (I'm soaking their food in BBQ sauce in an attempt to marinate them from the inside in case I have to eat them) . I fear dark days ahead. News is all bad. Neighbors have attempted to leap from windows to their death, (or near death... most have single story homes so they are badly bruised). Blew through most Netflix series so may have to rewatch some again..Basic Survival is a definite challenge. I vow to persevere to the end, I am a survivor! Please, if there is life out there, communicate with me to help preserve my sanity.. | 3,939 |
Coronavirus Did you get it? | 3,940 |
Out pops a genie... A guy is walking along the beach one day and stubs his toe. He looks down to see what he hit, and it was a bottle. He opens it up and out pops a genie. “I’ve been in here 10,000 years and for releasing me, I’m going to grant you 3 wishes! However, there is a catch. Whatever you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
Guy- Man, I hate my ex-wife... Well, she left me homeless when she left. I’ve had to crash with friends, but I’d like a new house.
Genie- Done! You have an enormous mansion on top of the mountain overlooking the ocean. Your ex-wife has 2 new houses.
Guy- Damn! Well, between what she took and the legal fees, I’m broke and struggling to make ends meet. I wish I had a million dollars.
Genie- Done! You have a million dollars in your bank account. Your ex-wife has 2 million dollars.
Guy- Shit! I HATE my ex-wife!
Genie- For your last wish?
Guy- *Thinking for a moment* Beat me half to death! | 3,941 |
I was having a beer at the bar when a mate walks in, panicked He sits down next to me and tells me he’s left his sidekick in the car, because she drives him absolutely mad and he really needed a break.
I chuckled at his irresponsible behavior before he tells me “I told her I’d be back in a few minutes, but all lights in my car are broken anyway, can’t you go keep her busy for a little while?”
Me, having a few beers down already, agreed and before I knew it she’s on top of me in the backseat.
A few minutes later a cop starts knocking on the window, frustrated, shining a light into the car and telling us to calm down.
“Don’t worry, it’s my wife” I say
“Oh, well then that’s alright, I didn’t know it was your wife”
“Yeah... no me neither” | 3,942 |
I can’t believe some people don’t eat the crust like seriously. wtf?? It’s PART OF THE FOOD. I get that the inside of the coconut tastes better but that’s no reason to neglect the rest. | 3,943 |
A check from the President! I feel like a porn star. | 3,944 |
How do you get a toilet to laugh? You tell it a shitty joke. | 3,945 |
What do sex workers like to smoke? Asscrack. | 3,946 |
What do construction workers like to smoke? Sidewalk crack. | 3,947 |
Being bored quarantined at home, I ordered one prostitute after the other. Now I have hordes of hoarded whores. | 3,948 |
What do you call it when coronavirus entires your body through your butt instead of your face A Coronascopy | 3,949 |
Did you know you can order prostitutes now? Yeah, I just got this app called whoredash.. | 3,950 |
Nice to know that the most famous and celebrated duo in Country & Western music were still close after all these years. I mean Dolly Parton's boobs, not Dolly and Kenny Rogers. | 3,951 |
“Daddy, why is my sister called Paris?” “Because she was conceived in Paris” “Thanks for explaining Daddy”....... “No problem Lockdown” | 3,952 |
You know what everyone sucks at? Giving head | 3,953 |
Ex-Wife Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't". | 3,954 |
Why does the coronavirus not go to Russia? Because in Russia, the virus contracts you. | 3,955 |
A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"
The man mumbles, "first blowjob."
The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.
The man downs all nine in a row.
The bartender still smiling says, "hey, make it an even ten. On the house."
The man shakes his head, "no thanks. If the first nine didn't wash out the taste, I doubt one more would help." | 3,956 |
If you know any poltergeist in need of a job, please send them my way I have a moving company that could use some entities that have experience moving furniture. | 3,957 |
Two musicians, violating social distancing I was annoyed to see two musicians together today, violating social distancing. They were counting: one repeated "1 2 3, 1 2 3,"…; the other, "1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5,"… "Hey!", I said, "It's unsafe, so close together!" "No worries", they replied, "we have two meters between us." | 3,958 |
You know why the Cold War REALLY went on for so long? Cause Russia kept Stalin. | 3,959 |
A doctor walks into a bar... Bartender says "Order out only, no beer."
Doctor replies, "No worries, I got Corona at work."
Note: Not sure if this is funny or insensitive. All due respect to the world's healthcare professionals. Just figured I'd try to lighten the mood. | 3,960 |
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic. | 3,961 |
Why was Peter parker promoted in his IT job? Because ever since the spider bit him he became the best at web designing | 3,962 |
No quitin' quarentino jokes Or am I early? | 3,963 |
A lion tamer had quit without notice and the circus manager needed someone to replace him for the next night's show. He out an ad in the local paper and the next morning two applicants showed up outside his office. One was a rather ordinary looking young man and the other was a rather ravishing red headed beauty. Neither one of them looked very much like a lion trainer, but the manager was desperate.
"All right" he said, "here's a whip, a chair and a gun. Let's see what you can do with big Leo over there. We'll let you have the first try, miss, but be careful- he's a mean one."
The ravishing redhead strode past the whip, the chair and the gun, and empty handed, fearlessly entered the cage.
Big Leo, snarling, then came charging across the cage towards her with a ferocious road. When the lion was almost upon her, the girl threw open her coat. Underneath she was stark naked. Leo skidded to a stop and crawled the rest of the way on his belly; he nuzzled the girl's feet with his nose, purred and licked her trim ankles.
The astonished circus manager grinned happily and turned to the pop-eyed young man. "Well, young fella," he asked, "think you can top THAT? "
"Yeah ?" panted the applicant, "Just get that stupid lion out of there," | 3,964 |
A man is lucky to be alive after being thrown off an escalator that malfunctioned and sped up to 100km/h Wow that escalated quickly
Went from 0 to 100 real quick | 3,965 |
What's another name for cumming inside a woman? Loading the dishwasher | 3,966 |
There’s a cow and her three calves grazing in a pasture... ...The first calf asks her ma, “Why am I named Daisy?” The cow smiles and says, “Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head.” The second calf says “Oh, oh! Why am I named Rose?” The cow replies, “Because when you were born, a rose landed on your head.” The third cow trots over and says, “WhY iS mY nAmE CiNdErBlOcK?!” | 3,967 |
What's the difference between hitting someone with a car and getting hit by a car? The name written on the death certificate. | 3,968 |
Dark comedy is like clean water. Not everyone gets it. | 3,969 |
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community... If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!' | 3,970 |
While the employee was working from home, the client requested.... ....to speak to someone with higher authority
Employee (to wife): “Darling, someone wants to speak with you!” | 3,971 |
Two factory workers talking:
Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: “And how would you do that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: “Where are you going?”
The man says: “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.” | 3,972 |
Why are we using sunscreen to combat the sun? Because the sun is ultraviolent! | 3,973 |
People tell me I look like my dad. He’s blind too :( | 3,974 |
If you don't know the price of nuclear power wait until you see the Cherno bill. | 3,975 |
Three men are on a boat with cigarettes Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So one man throws one cigarette off and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter. | 3,976 |
Two men were waiting in an alleyway at midnight... They have been watching a guy who goes in that alleyway every midnight and they've decided tonight is the night they would rob their victim. However, the guy didn't appear in the usual spot at the usual time.
Man 1: Hey dude, what do you think happened to that guy?
Man 2: Beats me.
Man 1: *sigh* I hope he's doing okay. | 3,977 |
I saw a man juggling while swimming in shark infested waters... ...it sure does take a lot of balls to do something like that! | 3,978 |
After testing positive in Tuscaloosa, my uncle Reamus ran out of ICU naked into the woods... He checked back in two days later, covered in tick bites. I asked him what the hell he was thinking.
He replied, "Well... your Daddy's gonna die the way he lived: Corona and Lyme" | 3,979 |
Mimics!!! The party walks into the bar. They all draw their weapons as they come inside, then they sit and order food and drinks. ''Why did you draw your weapons entering my bar?" asks the bartender. "mimics" the party's leader answers. The bartender laughs, the party laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table. | 3,980 |
Golden Wedding Secret A husband and wife were coming up on their 50th wedding anniversary, and the wife had grown curious about a box under their bed. It had a lock on it, and had been present ever since she married him. On the night of their golden wedding anniversary, the wife decided it was time she found out what was inside it.
Wife: "Dear, we've been married for 50 years now, and all this time you've kept this locked box under our bed. I think it's about time you told me what was inside it."
Husband: "Alright, but you have to promise you won't get angry."
Wife: "We've been married 50 years now, when have you known me to get angry?"
So the husband took out a key and brought the box out from under the bed. He opened the box and revealed three eggs and a massive stack of bank notes.
Wife: "Look at all that money! What are those three eggs for?"
Husband: "Well, on the night of our wedding I made a decision that every time I was unfaithful to you during our marriage I would buy an egg and place it inside this box."
Wife: "In 50 years you've only been unfaithful three times. That's not bad. What about the money?"
Husband: "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them." | 3,981 |
I tried to get a job teaching meditation But I didn't have a good inner view | 3,982 |
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus | 3,983 |
I might be dying My hair tonight since there’s nothing else to do. | 3,984 |
My wife thinks I should become a spy... She says I'm naturally good at moving in and out unnoticed. | 3,985 |
Why do they call the Fed Chair "Frosty?" He makes things go BRRRRRRRRRRRRR | 3,986 |
Good news, everyone! It's been reported by the MSM that Elizabeth Warren tested positive for the coronavirus. But she's going to be ok, because they only found 1/1024th trace of it.
God Bless America! | 3,987 |
Technically Alcohol is a solution | 3,988 |
So a bloke goes to the doctor, complaining his dick keeps dribbling after he finishes pissing After a brief examination, the doctors announces he has a solution.
"Hold still while I pluck one of your nose hairs", he says.
The man thinks it's weird, but if it will stop his dick dribbling, he'll do anything.
"Now, I'm just going to graft this nose hair onto the end of your penis. It's a new procedure they say works very well".
The doctor applies applies a local anaesthetic and quickly completes the procedure. The man, somewhat bewildered asks, "how is this supposed to work? This is crazy".
The doctor smiles and tells him to try out the new appendage, pointing the man to the toilet.
"This is bullshit", thinks the man. So he goes to the toilet and has a nice, long piss. "Here we go, it's just gonna keep dribbling", he thinks.
Sure enough, he shakes off the last drop and instantly he can feel it start to dribble - but just at that moment, his dick lets out a monumental....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
SNNIIIIIIIFFFFF! | 3,989 |
A mumble rapper gets out of prison Everyone starts praising them for finally finishing a sentence. | 3,990 |
I ordered Door Dash tonight. When the guy got to my house he skipped to the door. Looks like my Dasher is more like a Prancer. | 3,991 |
A toothbrush was alone at home It left it's holder and went to the end of the bathroom countertop. Then, it felt a dark power and quit for the day.
The next day, the toothbrush went to the bathroom door and felt a dark power. It quit.
The next day, it went to the kitchen and felt a dark power and quit.
"One day, I'll figure out what this is!"
I guess you can call it a sleuthbrush! | 3,992 |
Driving is a lot of like sex. When you’re a teenager, you’re excited to do it.
When you’re 40, you don’t really look forward to doing it much anymore.
If you can’t afford rent, you might do it for work. | 3,993 |
I'm COVID-19 positive and was just released from the ICU. Best blowjob of my life. | 3,994 |
Did you hear about the football referee who used a record player to finish the game? He called the vinyl whistle | 3,995 |
Kenny Rogers passed away. He died of scarlet fever. | 3,996 |
“Dad, why is my sister named Paris” “Because we conceived her in Paris”
“Oh ok Dad, thanks”
“You are welcome Quarantine.” | 3,997 |
My friend always lives by this Motto "Surround yourself with positive people" They tested him positive yesterday. Get well soon my friend! | 3,998 |
What's black and white and hungry? Kenny Rogers' dog... | 3,999 |
What do you call it when two short people 69 competitively? ea sports | 4,000 |
I got a little bored in self isolation and... did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame at the base, eventually it gets sucked inside......
If you've done this and know how to get it out, message me please....
Urgently!!! | 4,001 |
Due to the viral outbreak, a high school prom goes into mandatory lock-down. QuaranTeen-Pregnancy rates skyrocket. | 4,002 |
People who had 2020 vision Why didn't you warn us? | 4,003 |
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday. They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore. | 4,004 |
"Dyslexa?" "Play Alexspacito." | 4,005 |
Farmers have this social distancing thing mastered... Guess you could say they’re outstanding in their field | 4,006 |
With all this quarantine, I have far too much time to watch TV at the moment Lucky there's a Family Guy | 4,007 |
It must be a hard time for homosexuals searching for partners Most of them are not coming out. | 4,008 |
I asked my friend, “Hey, did you read that article about a social media platform that has some very toxic people, very questionable virtual communities, and people that come together to do amazing things?” He replies: “Yeah, I Reddit.” | 4,009 |
Do you want me to post a dynamite joke? This one's a dud, so I refuse. | 4,010 |
Do You Like Pussycats?
Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir," how are you?
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree, he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" | 4,011 |
What do you call an indecisive toddler? Maybe Shark | 4,012 |
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