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Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Well, you don't have alzheimers, but you are a pervert! | 4,013 |
Why is it called reddit Because it's full of repostst | 4,014 |
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken | 4,015 |
We hired a landscape gardener for some work But he said my garden was portrait and he couldn't help. | 4,016 |
3 guys end up at the pearly gates... St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley Davidson. The third guy gets asked the same question as the first two people and responds never. St. Peter says, “Good job staying faithful,” and hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. A little while later while riding the streets of Heaven the first guy in the Honda Civic rolls by the third guy in the Rolls Royce. The first guy notices the third guy crying and asks, “Why are you crying, you are enjoying your after life in a Rolls Royce, while I am stuck in a Honda Civic.” The third guy responds, “I am crying because I saw my wife, she was on a skateboard.” | 4,017 |
Kenny Rogers Is it too early to say that Kenny Rogers took this whole social distancing thing too far? | 4,018 |
Covid-19 has hit many businesses pretty hard, the food industry has adapted by exclusively delivering but one business could end up going bankrupt because of this... DiGiornos | 4,020 |
What does Kylie Jenner and a Disney princess have in common? They're both made by the hands of others. | 4,021 |
A guy said to his friend: "I got so fat recently, and I don't know why" "Well, I noticed. Have you been overeating? You're not like that."
"Nah, man. I think the government is trying to kill me, injecting fat on me or something. The government is probably scared of what I know."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I haven't been eating that much, It's so weird. Because of that, I haven't been to the bathroom in weeks."
"That's it, the government is not doing anything to you. You're just full of shit." | 4,022 |
What do you call an A.I that can detect if you've just had sex? Facial recognition software | 4,023 |
Love is like corn dog Bitches would only want my weiner if I got the bread | 4,024 |
Two girls are speaking and one tearfully confesses: \- Oh, Jane, I've a problem: I've never been eaten because my pussy smells a lot like onion.
\- I think you're in luck: I have a friend, Tony, who can't smell absolutely anything. And seeing how beautiful you are, I'm sure you will get along well.
The girl calls the boy, they meet to go for a walk, go to the movies, go to dinner ... an evening so perfect that they end up sharing a taxi to go home. When the taxi arrives at the girl's house, she mischievously tells the boy that if he wants to go up to his house to have a last drink, and the boy accepts. They have a glass of wine, another glass, one thing ends up leading to another and they go to bed. They turn off the lights and go with the preliminaries, kisses, caresses, and finally he ends up going down with great delight of the girl. But in a minute he stops and, sticking his head out from her legs, he says to the girl:
\- Hey, this smells a lot like onion, right?
\- How? My friend told me that you couldn't smell anything.
And the boy answers:
\- And I can't, but MY EYES ARE FUCKING WATERING!!! | 4,025 |
A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning. They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.
He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy.
She's loving every minute of it as they return to their hotel. They check in and decide to go to the poker floor for some gambling before heading up to their room. They play a few hands, win a little and the husband excuses himself to go the bathroom.
Unfortunately, a new, fairly naive employee is running the concierge desk and finds the woman by herself. He mentions to her that the room is now ready and that Dumbo was already delivered. Since she had no idea what he was talking about as the husband handled booking everything she just assumed it was some exciting surprise.
The husband comes back and she motions it's time to head up to bed with a suggesting wink.
As they get to their room, a massive sprawling suite, the husband tells her he has two more surprises for her. There is a strange smell in the suite but it's beautiful and overlooks the strip. They head out to the balcony and on ice is their favorite wine from their honeymoon. They start to loosen their clothing and really relax into the evening... it's getting quite steamy between the two.
The husband says, ok I have one more surprise, wait here. Five minutes later, he calls out for her to come to the bathroom. He's set the stage as he has lit candles and a warm bubble bath poured with smooth jazz playing in the background. They begin to undress but suddenly there is a knock on the door.
The husband winks at his wife. He goes to answer the door and tells her to get in the tub.
The night of surprises continue as the husband walks back in with a naked man. The wife gasps and is very confused. The husband begins to tell her about some very surprising, erotic fantasies he has had about a threesome. She continues to have a very confused look on her face. Shes never had a night like this in all 15 years of her marriage.
Seeing that his wife isn't into this, he asks the man to give them a second. He leans over to the tub and says, "Is everything ok? I thought you would be into this. Maybe I read this wrong but I thought I might like it too."
She stares at him and that loving gaze he saw earlier in the night turned into a glare.
Several awkward moments of silence pass and the suspense is upsetting to the husband. He thinks to himself, "what was i thinking..." "does she think I am homosexual?" "Am I?" "Did I just screw up 15 perfect years of marriage??"
"Please say something!" He pleads.
She raises her arms in disbelief.
"Are we not going to talk about the elephant in the room?" | 4,026 |
How much credit does Planned Parenthood get for the help they provide women? Just a portion. | 4,027 |
Cleveland Browns fan to Donald Trump: According to your definition of what winning looks like We are World Champions several times over! | 4,028 |
People have told me that 60 is the new 40. The Cop i just talked to did not have that point of view. | 4,029 |
My ex had an accident and I told the paramedics the wrong blood type. Now she’ll finally learn about rejection. | 4,030 |
I hope Terry Fox's cross country treks in the Marathon of Hope was an inspiration to all not to skip-leg day. | 4,031 |
Do I have Alzheimer's? Cuz I don't remember asking | 4,032 |
We're getting ready to move and I just got all our junk out of the attic One less thing hanging over my head | 4,033 |
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? Cancer.
I’m just kidding he hasn’t opened it yet. | 4,034 |
I'm having a quarantine party None of you are invited | 4,035 |
How do you catch a hound? With a basset-net | 4,036 |
As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect. | 4,037 |
My dad has been missing for weeks now So, a long time ago, my father went missing. I don't know where he went. I called the police, and they sent out a search team for him. A couple days later, they still haven't found him. Weeks, months, years, go by... Still no dad. "I can't believe I lost dad," I whisper to myself. "I'm sorry, dad..."
All of a sudden, I hear something behind me. I was home alone at the time so I went straight to the assumption that someone was in here when they shouldn't be. I look around my house, nobody. But, then, I feel something touch my shoulder. I shiver. And I hear a familiar voice. It says... "Hi, sorry. I'm dad." | 4,038 |
How do desk fans avoid Coronavirus? They self-oscillate. | 4,039 |
What did the seamstress say to the other seamstress who looked upset? What seams to be the problem? | 4,040 |
Still a weird time to be a Ventriloquist | 4,041 |
You think the lines at the grocery store are long? Just wait until you see the wait time to schedule an appointment with your obstetrician this fall! | 4,042 |
1970: Houston we have a problem 2020: Houston you have a problem | 4,043 |
What do you call a navy pilot? A flying seaman.
I'm so sorry, randon thought and nowhere else to put it. | 4,044 |
The quickest way to get a Covid-19 test in the US Cough on a rich person and wait for their results. | 4,045 |
How do you milk a sheep? Release a new iPhone. | 4,046 |
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video... He was super psyched, until he realized the pizza guy was Rocco Steele. | 4,047 |
I’m not really a believer But then I saw her face | 4,048 |
Why is the football stadium so windy? Because of all the fans | 4,049 |
What did the boomer ghost say the millennial ghost? "Get a life." | 4,050 |
How many mob men does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the bulb. One to watch and one to shoot the witness | 4,051 |
Bartender: "What'll ya have?" Blonde: "Bring me a beer."
Bartender: "Anheuser-Busch?"
Blonde: "Fine. And how's your penis?" | 4,052 |
'Where's Wally' celebration day! Event expected to draw large crowds. | 4,053 |
After months of impatience, close to losing all hope...my package finally came in the mail! My wife will be so happy, if I can ever pull these bills apart. | 4,054 |
As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines. But let me give it a shot. | 4,055 |
A man goes for a jog during the COVID quarantine He runs past the park and notices a group of 3 kids sitting in a tight circle with their shoes touching in the center. He then notices another group of 3 kids doing the same thing near the first group. Confused, he yells at them "hey aren't you kids supposed to be following the social distancing policy?". One of the kids yells back "we are sir, we are sitting 6 feet apart" as they point to their shoes. | 4,056 |
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we'd still be in the Garden of Eden They would have eaten the serpent | 4,057 |
Do you know what really makes me happy? Dopamine | 4,058 |
My young child is feeling sick Fortunately he's only showing minor symptoms | 4,059 |
An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”
Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision from there”.
So the old man shows him Hell and everybody's gambling and drinking and drugging and whoring and playing heavy metal music and having the time of their life it seems. “Pretty sweet!” the guy goes, but the old man goes "okay now let's show you Heaven," and he's whisked away and he shows him a scene in the clouds where everybody's meditating and doing yoga thinking and reading and doing good works and playing the harp and...
And then the old man then goes, “ well what'll It Be Heaven or Hell?” And the guy goes, "That's the no-brainer of a lifetime, Hell please!” so the old man obliges and he's immediatly whisked him to Hell where he was cast into a pit of sulfur and a thousand demons torment him non-stop and in between the third demon and the fouth demon boning him up the ass with a hedge trimmer the guy screams in agony "What the actual fuck !! This is not what I was promised this is not what I was shown!!!! " and one of the demons who was watching goes , “oh you saw the demo version". | 4,060 |
A poor man asks a rich man "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself.”
Credit to u / NotKirk333 | 4,061 |
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough. You make me sick. | 4,062 |
The government issued a decree to mass produce ventilators for COVID-19 patients. Operation Last Gasp | 4,063 |
I wanted to be a stand-up commedian But they just laughed me off stage. | 4,064 |
A priest rabbi and a chihuahua walk into a blood bank. The receptionist asks can I help you?
The chihuahua says I think I might be a type O! | 4,065 |
A man walked into an apple store and see a brand new product on display He walks up to the genius bar and asks one of the employees
"Is that a car"
"Yes it is" replys the employee
"How much is it" reply's the man
"It starts at 5,000 Dollars" says the employee with a smile
"I would like to buy it" answers the man.
"Just so you know the price only includes the suspension" said the employee
"But you said it only said it costs 5,000" said the man confused
"You misheard sir, I said it *starts* at 5,000 every thing costs extra" replied the employee "let me explain the pricing for you, you can get either our aluminum suspension for 7,500, our steal suspension for 15,000, or our premium carbon fiber suspension for 35,000" said the employee
The man reply's "I get the carbon fiber suspension"
"Okay, now would you like tires sir, each one costs 1,000" said the employee
"Yea, yea I'll get the tires"
"Okay now would you like to buy rims, we have 2 types stainless steal in mat black or silver for 2,200 and carbon fiber in the same colors for 11,100."
"I guess the carbon fiber in mat black" the man reply's
"Good choice let's move on, would you like would you like to add windows, we have Cristal clear for 18,400 or apple secure for 67,000"
"I guess secure so no one looks in" he replies
"Great you have a few more things and I'll caculate the price. Would you like to add a stearing wheel for 45,000"
"Yes, I'll need one to drive it so I'll take the damn wheel"
"Sir you don't need to tell at me, so would you like moter for 110,000"
"For fucks sake YES I'll take the damn moter" he replies pissed off
"Sir Don't take that tone with me but I know your busy so I'll go quick. We're now at the luxury's, would you like air-" he gets interrupted as the man says "I'll take all of the pointless luxury's."
"Ok great, give me a minute to add up you total"
The man waits for his Total to be added. After 3 min passed the employee walks back up to him and says "I added up your Total and it is 964,100"
"HOW IN THE FUCK IS IT 964,100"
"well you did get all of the luxury's"
"And what were they, you what I don't care, how do I pay"
"Before you pay would you like to buy Apple Care to insure your car" the employee asks
"Fine, how much is it" he ask
"For the price you paid that will be 289,230 or 12,050.25 a month"
"I'll just pay it all now"
"Okay great, your new total is 1,253,330"
"Take my God damn money" yells the man
The man fills out the nessary paper for the car and leave the store and he hears the voice of the employee yell
"SEE YOU NEXT YEAR" | 4,066 |
Due to the TP shortage I'm down to using one square per wipe This shituation is getting on the hand | 4,067 |
Do me a favor, stay far from labor. Remember, thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor. | 4,068 |
The son comes home and tells happily: "Mum, we compared our willy at school today" "And guess what? I got the biggest one of all!"
​
To which the mother replies: "I hope so, my son. After all, you are the teacher." | 4,069 |
Three guys are about to get shot. One yells, "tornado!" and runs away.
Another one yells, "Earthquake!" and runs away.
The last one yells, "fire!" and gets shot. | 4,070 |
Why don't churches have wifi? Because they don't like competing with an invisible force that actually works. | 4,071 |
A woman and her husband have a great sex life. Every night they would have sex at 5:15, then suddenly she gets the corona virus. She quarantines herself, is given drugs to fight the virus and after 3 weeks, she is cleared to resume her normal life. In her intestines the 3 remaining virus cells are discussing where they are going to hide knowing death was imminent. The first cell says "I'm going to go to her inner ear, the drugs will never get me there". The second cell says "I'm going to hide at the tip of her toe, the drugs will never get me there". Finally, the last one says, "I'm going to go to her vagina and hide there". "Vagina" says one, why there? "Because, he said when that train pulls out at 5:15 tonight, I'm gonna be on it". | 4,072 |
My wife has been watching porn to learn new ways to spice up our sex life. The other night she laid down in bed and remained completely motionless while we made love. I asked what she was doing. She said “it’s called ‘buffering’ honey”. | 4,073 |
All countries got Covid-19 But China got it right off the bat | 4,074 |
What do you call a Lion who acts like a simp? A “Simp”a!
You know... “Simba”? | 4,075 |
Tipping point What did the leper say to the hooker??
"Keep the tip." | 4,076 |
A man with a foot fetish has a certain favourite model. Or rather, had.
See, he just met his estranged half sister for the first time yesterday, and realized...her high heels looked awfully familiar. Upon asking whether she had ever modeled, she confirmed his suspicions, just before she realized exactly why he was asking.
Suffice it to say, the meeting did not go well, and they didn't get back in touch.
Talk about getting off on the wrong foot. | 4,077 |
First Rule of Corona Flu self-isolation If you can't reach it from the couch
You don't need it. | 4,078 |
The Husband Store A new store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. | 4,079 |
Fatties in love Michael Moore and his new love Whoopie Goldberg are sitting on the couch, watching tv.
She starts running her hands through his belly fat, tickle and massage his upper body, to which he said:
"That feels frisky, baby - so romantic! You want to get it on?"
She replies: "No, I am looking for the remote" | 4,080 |
$10 is $10 Joe and his wife Martha went to the annual show every year and each time Joe would say: “Martha, I’d like to ride in that plane.”
And every year Martha would reply: “I know Joe, but that plane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.”
One year Joe and Martha went to the fair and he said: “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that plane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied: “Joe, that plane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.”
The pilot overheard them and said: “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s $10.” Joe and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Joe: “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Joe replied: “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10.” | 4,081 |
A German engineer approaches his Italian colleague... "Give me iron and steel and I'll build you an aircraft carrier!"
The Italian says, "Give me your sister and I'll make you the crew." | 4,082 |
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes She gave me a hug | 4,083 |
What do you call a superhero whose power is misjudging the height of jumps? Splatman | 4,084 |
What is it called when you lose by more than one foot? Defeat. | 4,085 |
What type of jokes can you tell during quarantine? >!Inside Jokes.!< | 4,086 |
My friend told me that an ironer was a good way to get rid of wrinkles He was right but now I don't have skin and was given a 5000 dollar hospital bill | 4,087 |
People made fun of how lame it was when the aliens in 'war of the worlds' died from a plague well look who's laughing now | 4,088 |
Osama Bin Laden is 6'5 This guy was playing for the wrong New York Jets. | 4,089 |
My first year of college gained a lot of weight I wasn’t watching what I eat. They called it the “freshman 15”. After a week of quarantine I realize I am well on my way to putting on even more weight. I call it the COVID 19. | 4,090 |
Turns out the Republicans were right If you ignore your problems they really do eventually go away | 4,091 |
Don't worry guys, when we look back on 2020 we'll say it was pretty sick. | 4,092 |
I got robbed last week Then got my ass beat by the second robber for giving all my money to the first robber.
She wasn't playing. | 4,093 |
This is my rifle, this is my gun... There’s an old military habit of soldiers relating their penis to a firearm. In theory, this is meant to project power and masculinity. Personally, I think it does the opposite. It’s just a pee-shooter. | 4,094 |
You ever get caught masterbating in the shower? Pretty good hiding spot isnt it ;) | 4,095 |
Two guy friends are planning how to market their new product Friend 1: “Should I make a folded informative pamphlet that we can hand out to potential customers?”
Friend 2: “Bro, sure!” | 4,096 |
Corona virus has changed everything but my sex life... Still at least 6’ away from any person while having it. | 4,097 |
Philippine Condoms President Trump called President Duterte of the Philippines with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a national disaster!"
"Donald, the Filipino people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied Duterte. "I do need your help," said Donald. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Duterte. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Donald.
"Yes?" said Duterte.
Showing off, Donald said, "Could the condoms be red, white, and blue in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"
"No problem," replied Duterte, with that, Duterte hung up and called the owner of Philippine Prophilactic. "I need a favor, you've got to make 100,000,000 condoms right away and send them to the White House." "Consider it done Mr. President," said the owner of Philippine Prophilactics. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white and blue in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Duterte, "on each one, print 'MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES, SIZE-SMALL' ." | 4,098 |
What happens when the CIA goes to sleep? they go undercover | 4,099 |
What’s the different between Paul Walker and my computer? When my computer crashes I actually give a fuck | 4,100 |
Grocery store aisles have been wiped clean of toilet paper #nopunintended | 4,101 |
What did the communist who was tired of walking say to the capitalist? "Give me a piggy back ride!"
I'll see myself out | 4,102 |
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. Don’t know why. | 4,103 |
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is. Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy. | 4,104 |
Contender for worst joke of the day: What do you call the offspring of farm chickens? Children of the Cornish Hens.
Would have been 'better' if I had remembered to write it correctly... (eye roll).
Was supposed to be: What do you call the evil offspring of farm chickens?
Ah well... that's why you don't write distracted. *Though, I just did* | 4,105 |
My brother moved to Dublin to start up a gym for eunuchs... Yeah, he called it "Cockless and Muscles". | 4,106 |
Broom What does a broom sound like?
Broom broom | 4,107 |
A clown goes crazy and starts murdering everybody with a cast-iron skillet. Don't get the joke? It's deadpan humor. | 4,108 |
Quarantine? More like Borrantine | 4,109 |
Jeff asks his mom if he can go swimming J: Mooooom can i go swimming, they are opening the 3m jumping tower today.
M: ok
* Jeff comes home with a broken arm *
The next day Jeff asks:
Mooooom can I go swimming, they are opening the 5m jumping tower today.
M: ok, but be careful
* Jeff comes home with a broken leg *
The next day jeff asks:
Mooooom can I go swimming, they are letting the water in today. | 4,110 |
Coffin maker's new slogan If you're coughin' you need a coffin | 4,111 |
The lights went out while I were in the bathroom I couldn't see a shit | 4,112 |
A man goes to his girlfriend's home. As usual, he cracked a funny joke.
A guy under her bed laughed harder than her. | 4,113 |
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