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Why doesn't Ganondorf like using the internet? There are too many Links. | 4,114 |
I wear a 40 sized shoe So yea I got big socks | 4,115 |
The alphabet in 2021: ABDFGHJKLMNOQSVWXYZ. There will be no more ER, ICU, or TP. | 4,116 |
Me: Dad, can I be frank?... And if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be real pissed! Dad: That seems fair, gonnaberealpissed. | 4,117 |
I hate early funerals. I'm just not a mo(u)rning person. | 4,118 |
Wanna know the difference between COVID-19 and my Posts One actually leaves New | 4,119 |
Why does no one tell jokes about Mexicans? Because then they would be the ones crossing the line. | 4,120 |
I went out for the newspaper but it wasn't there yet. I guess I was ahead of the times | 4,121 |
Corona User Acquisition Graph If only my app could acquire users as fast as corona I would really be killing it. | 4,122 |
Going down on a woman on her period is a good way to get egg on your face. | 4,123 |
My girlfriend asked me why I changed the VPN to Italy.
I told her my goals were simply beyond her imagination!
Edit : "Get it? Cause Italy has free pornhub premium? Funny I know." | 4,124 |
I've been around the world alot... But never Italy, I heard you can chill with a bottle of Corona there though | 4,125 |
My uncle just came home from China. He was eating a granola bar and he sneezed. Pieces of granola came out of his nose and mouth. I think he has the granola virus. | 4,126 |
Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81 In a statement to confused reporters, Kenny Loggins was quoted as saying “I’m alright, Don’t nobody worry bout me”
(It’s a Caddyshack joke) | 4,127 |
What do you call a vsco girl that gets hit by a car? Sksksquished. | 4,128 |
Ya know, this virus has got me so panicked that I'm thinking about moving to Northern Canada... I heard up there they have Nunavut. | 4,129 |
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. ​
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on. | 4,130 |
Have you heard of the new dating app for women? One swipe and a charming, intelligent, handsome man arrives at your doorstep 25-45 minutes later. You can even track his progress getting to you with a map overlay. He arrives in a three piece suit with a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
It's called 'Skip the Douches' | 4,131 |
New York asked the CDC for 100,000 COVID test kits "10,000 test kits?!" says the CDC, "We don't have 1,000 test kits! What do you need 100 test kits for? Here's 10 test kits, and split 'em with New Jersey." | 4,132 |
Me and the bois where playing Minecraft So me and the bois were playing Minecraft right then little Pete yells THERES A CREEPER IN MY PANTS which leads to us all screaming. Turns out that little Pete was just jerking his meat.
That little shit. | 4,133 |
Been running out of bar soap over the last few days... today we finished our last one. Honestly I'm not that disappointed, stuff tasted like shit. | 4,134 |
My state needs to enforce a statewide lockdown.... ....so that PornHub can offer us the free premium service! | 4,135 |
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video... He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy. | 4,136 |
Quarantine Don’t get it?
That’s because it’s an inside joke | 4,137 |
My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true. Ex gon give it to ya | 4,138 |
How to catch a rabbit Hide in the bushes and try to sound like a lettuce | 4,139 |
The relationship between a teenager and his parents is just like the relationship between US and Russia Cold War | 4,140 |
Pain... I made up a joke. "On a scale of 1 to 10, where is your pain located?" | 4,141 |
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!" | 4,142 |
Two women meets in the afterlife, \-Hello, My name is Mia!
\-Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die?
\-Well... I froze to death.
\-Oh my.. what a terrible way to die!
\-Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die?
\-I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television.
\-What happened after?
\-I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack.
(Mia starts to laugh)
\-What's so funny?
\-Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive! | 4,143 |
Corona virus update.. My house has never been so clean | 4,144 |
Kim Jong Un likes his jokes like his citizens. Perfectly executed. | 4,145 |
Last night, me and my girlfriend watched 3 movies back to back. Luckily, i was the one facing the tv. | 4,146 |
Eleventh Husband
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" | 4,147 |
There were 3 moles living in a hole... One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses." | 4,148 |
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a super hero other one is a command. | 4,149 |
Kenny Rogers died He picked a fine time to leave us. | 4,150 |
In the near future the world is a wasteland consumed by the coronavirus... Countries have collapsed into chaotic anarchist colonies, cities have been engulfed by greenery and animals, vital supplies are fought over like packs of wolves and a fighting couple plagued with exhaustion and starvation try to escape the apocalyptic horror. They suddenly catch sight of a man holding a toolbox with goggles on. He strangely looks very clean as if this pandemic never touched him in the slightest. "Hey! Who are you?! Can you help us?!" calls the couple. "Yes! I started this pandemic and I will end it!" he answers. "What?! You did?! Why did you fucking do this?! How do you expect to end this?!" the couple gasp, angrily. The man smiles and pulls out a black shiny object. "To show you the power of flex tape...I SAWED THIS WORLD IN HALF!" | 4,151 |
If you were born on 9/11 noone can say they forgot your birthday | 4,152 |
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers The Times are rough | 4,153 |
My buddy just said: "I really don't get this toilet paper thing. I mean, how could they even eat so much, that it'd be necessary to take that many dumps?" I replied: "Yeah, I know, goddamned wankers" | 4,154 |
What do you call a baby ocelot? An ocelittle. | 4,155 |
My girlfriend just broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair... Well guess who came crawling back. | 4,156 |
Breaking news KIM JONG UN just lost 50 lbs He is now addressed as Slim Jong Un | 4,157 |
COVID-19 jokes are like pasta: They're inspired by the italians, come in many forms, and redditors don't know how to make them from scratch. | 4,158 |
I heard that social distancing is important now *So
I'm
adding
extra
space
after
each
word
I
type
now
on
social
media | 4,159 |
The Coronavirus is somewhat like The Diary of Anne Frank... ... but she had to stay inside to avoid Germans. | 4,160 |
Teacher: What's the most important punctuation mark? Little Johnny: The period?
Teacher: Correct. Can you tell me why?
Little Johnny: I'm not sure, but when my sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack , and the next door neighbor shot himself. | 4,161 |
Why was the nun kicked out of the church? Because of her dirty habit | 4,162 |
Where do a lot of good meats come from? Bacon pigs | 4,163 |
You don't need a parachute to go sky diving you only need a parachute to go skydiving twice. | 4,164 |
Why did the Eskimo not go to the party? Because he got cold feet | 4,165 |
Who’s Amber? And why does she always describe my car? | 4,166 |
When do men stop mastrubating? A few seconds after starting. | 4,167 |
What did Kenny Rogers say after crashing his car? You picked a fine time to leave me Loose Wheel | 4,168 |
Why don’t witches wear panties? They need to grab the broom somehow. | 4,169 |
What's the similarity between a dentist and an engineering graduate? Both like plaques | 4,170 |
Sir Mixalot was wrong. Silicon parts are made for non-stick cooking ware. | 4,171 |
Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself Sick Pence none the richer | 4,172 |
Why was it obvious that a double amputee was the last one to exit a UK pub? He was legless | 4,173 |
THEY ARE VIOLATING OUR RIGHTS! Left handed people into BDSM: (sad face) | 4,174 |
Why wasn’t the lumberjack scared of the tree? It was all bark and no bite! | 4,175 |
One thing we can say about Kenny Rogers... He certainly knew when to fold ‘em. | 4,176 |
I'm the Lord of Presents, my name is: Sir Prize!! | 4,177 |
Why did the old man fall in the well? He couldn’t see that well | 4,178 |
Rihanna just donated $5,000,000 to Coronavirus relief through her foundation. I wonder what her mascara’s going to do. | 4,179 |
Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors Are you with me shofar? | 4,180 |
Tinder is simple geometry If you have good lines you'll get good curves | 4,181 |
The other day I tried an escape room called depression And I did not escape | 4,182 |
How to prevent idiots from hoarding toilet paper? Call it corona paper. | 4,183 |
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. | 4,184 |
The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project. The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want. | 4,185 |
My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus RIP uncle Jim. | 4,186 |
Man 1: Have you gotten coronavirus yet? Man 2: That depends, do the symptoms include oozing sores on your genitalia?
Man 1: No!
Man 2: What a relief! | 4,187 |
You may have heard of the Freshman 15 I’m currently on the Quarantine 14 | 4,188 |
Joke How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
​
You give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from | 4,189 |
List of names that now have a grouping You know how a group of dogs is a pack or a group of Giraffes is a tower? here's a bunch of human names to play with that same concept!
A group of Paiges is a book
A group of Tylers is a roof
A group of Barrys is a bush
A group of Joshs is a joke
A group of Floras is a shop
A group of Michaels are angels
A group of brandons are also a roof. If you have Brandons and Tylers in the same room, they make a house
A group of Skylers are a cloud
A group of Richards is either a power or a power plant
A group of people with colours as names are a paint
A group of Nova's are a universe
A group of Jessica's is a gift
A group of Chrystal's are a gem
A group of Miles is a highway
A group of Johns is considered a urinal or a bathroom
A group of Misty's is a storm
A group of Ashs are considered an urn
​
If you have anymore, post them below! | 4,190 |
So I'm sting on this auto massage chair..... And I swear to God every couple of seconds I'd feel something touch my ass. I mean theres two ways to look at it. I can sue the chair for molesting me, or a dollar is a dollar. Personally, I'll just not use the chair again...... unless it buys me a drink first. | 4,191 |
The girlfriend knew this coronavirus was serious... ...when the malls closed. | 4,192 |
"Write down your password" ​
*"penis"*
Sorry, you password is too short. | 4,193 |
the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please.", the barman said
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage. "I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again". "OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1." | 4,194 |
Bill was running a little late on his mortgage so he borrowed some cash from a friend and headed to the bank. When he got to the bank he was surprised to see that they had a new safety policy in place that required you to be naked to enter. So he stripped down and got in line to see a teller.
It had been a little while for Bill, so seeing all these naked people was getting him aroused.
After a few minutes in line Bill finally makes it to the teller, hands her the cash, and lets her know that he needs to pay his mortgage.
“Sorry” says the teller, “but our policy doesn’t allow for us to accept hard bills.” | 4,195 |
"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet "But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases" replied the random guy on the Internet.
"No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…" | 4,196 |
What religion do baby cows follower? They are calfolic | 4,197 |
My neighbor and I have been arguing for weeks about who has the more assets So I TP'd his house. | 4,198 |
My ex wife still misses me But her aim is getting better! | 4,199 |
I want to thank you all for showing up for the party today The social distancing party was a success! | 4,200 |
If you want to live drama-free, you should move to India. They don't have beef with anyone. | 4,201 |
RIP Kenny Rogers. He knew when to walk away. | 4,202 |
Teachers is ten years Covid! Sit down and leave Corona alone! | 4,203 |
If you roll a pencil down a hill.. ..is it still stationary? | 4,204 |
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home. He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.
“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”
He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.
“Shit!”
He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground.
“This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!”
When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses.
“Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!”
It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp.
As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him.
“Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and...”
“Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.” | 4,205 |
Why did the labradoodle bite its owner? Because he was cross | 4,206 |
Some motherfucker took a shit When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three. | 4,207 |
Did you know there is a type of duck that dies after having sex for the first time? .
.
.
At least the one I fucked did. | 4,208 |
Wanna know who loves you the most you wife or your dog? Lock both in a car trunk for about an hour and see which one is happy to see you when you open it. | 4,209 |
Have you ever heard two panda bears having sex? It sounds like pandamonium. | 4,210 |
The body does a lot of things automatically, like breathing *MANUAL BREATHING ACTIVATED* | 4,211 |
I spent a month in Spain one time, but I hated it. It was a mes. | 4,212 |
What is NSFW? The office | 4,213 |
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