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A new genre of porn has been named. "Outbreak" involves sex under quarantine, breaking quarantine to have sex and fetishizing having sex with the infected.
I gotta admit, it's pretty hot.
104.1°F to be exact. | 4,214 |
A priest walks into a barber’s shop and sits down. The barber gives him a nice haircut. When the priest asks him how much the haircut will cost, the barber replies, “I never charge a man who does God’s work.”
The priest thanks him and the next day the barber finds three bottles of wine on his doorstep.
Later that day, a minister enters his shop to get a haircut. When the barber is done the minister asks him what the damage is. The barber replies, “I never charge a man who does God’s work.”
The minister thanks him and the next day the barber finds three loaves of bread on his doorstep.
Later that day a rabbi walks in and sits down. When the barber is finished and the rabbi inquires about the cost, the barber replies, “I never charge a man who does God’s work.”
The rabbi thanks him and the next day the barber finds three rabbis on his doorstep. | 4,215 |
What do call an agoraphobic adolescent? Quaranteen | 4,216 |
Mom when will the corona virus be over? Mom: shut up and eat your toilet paper | 4,217 |
Everything is made in China even the end of the world.... | 4,218 |
What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in artificial intelligence? Alexus. | 4,219 |
My wife is furious with me after finding the letters I was trying to hide She said she's had it and never wants to play Scrabble with me ever again. | 4,220 |
Puns are like paper. They're tear-able. | 4,221 |
Can you raed this?
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! | 4,222 |
Passwords "Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."
roses
"Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses
"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1fuckingprettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1FUCKINGprettyrose
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1FuckingPrettyRose
"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!
"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow
"Sorry, that password is already in use." | 4,223 |
Omg, the coronavirus has killed 12 Brazilian people! How many is a brazilian? | 4,224 |
IDK why people are in so much horror because of this virus thing going on.... I mean the worst that can happen is >!we'll have to buy a new laptop!< Kuh! Kuh! Aaaaaaaaaa......shooo. Woah. | 4,225 |
how Anti vax people calculate If i have 4 pens and you have 6 apples, how many pancakes fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don't wear hats | 4,226 |
Wall Street A guy was protesting the greed of Wall Street and he was yelling "to arms". So, I kicked him in the nuts.
I thought he said "two arms" and I'm an amputee. | 4,227 |
I've been blessed with an 11 inch dick.. I keep its rotting remains in a box under the stairs.....I call him Harry Cocker | 4,228 |
A guy is driving with his wife a few towns away from home when out of nowhere a cop pulls him over for speeding. The cop says, "do you know why I pulled you over?'' The guy's wife says ''What'd he say?'' "HE SAID, DID I KNOW WHY HE PULLED ME OVER." Then the cop says "you were going 45 in a school zone." "What'd he say?" "HE SAYS I WAS SPEEDING." Then the cop says, "license and registration." "What'd he say?" "HE NEEDS MY LICENSE AND REGISTRATION." The cop's looking the license over and says, "you live in Rockford aye?" "Yup." "Back in the day I dated a gal from Rockford. She had the stinkiest pussy." "What'd he say?" "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YA!" | 4,229 |
I showed my band the lyrics I composed and they said I should be a poet Poet, fireman, accountant, anything but lyricist. | 4,230 |
Why don’t church ladies like chicken? They’re offended by their fowl language. | 4,231 |
My wife asked for help with a puzzle. She said to hand her pieces with rocks and water. I said shore. | 4,232 |
Once i was just exercising .... I heard something. I saw in front of me was a tiger.
I thought that he did not saw me, so I stood still. He started walking towards me. I was frightened. he started running towards me and jumped , BAM I threw the remote and broke the fucking tv screen. | 4,233 |
A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else. This is because scalars aren't vectors. | 4,234 |
Why is a Raven like Donald Trump's pandemic response? Remove the (R) from either a corvid or POTUS and more people would see that it's really a disaster! | 4,235 |
If you have a bad stutter, never accuse your wife of being a "hoarder." Severe head trauma could result. | 4,236 |
A Pakistani cleric issued a new fatwa that orders you to stay in your homes and study the scriptures. As expected, they're calling it the *Quran*tine. | 4,237 |
What do you call a Native American ghost who plays accordian? Polkahauntus | 4,238 |
What is the hardest word for a stutterer to say? I'm gonna guess... "Nicaragua." | 4,239 |
Did you hear about the Tiny Turbine Festival? Probably not, it opened with Little Fan Fair | 4,240 |
My girlfriend caught the bride's bouquet flower on the wedding We have to figure out how we continue dating if she gets married | 4,241 |
High school guys be dating middle schoolers but are late to class Like bro, your worrying about the wrong first period. | 4,242 |
2019 is suing facebook For all the mean stuff facebook said about it | 4,243 |
An Officer stops a drunk man for speeding ticket and He Asks him " How High are you ? " Man - " No officer it's Hi , How are you " | 4,244 |
I have to confess something - I've been hoarding mosquito spray. I know, I know.
I'm Off full. | 4,245 |
Online degrees suck, that’s why I go to an Ivy League school! “Attention students,
Due to the recent outbreak of the coronavirus in or community, we will converting the remainder of the semester to virtual learning. Your instructor will provide you with further details.” | 4,246 |
So I'm covered in glue and that was a mistake? I thought I was supposed to shelter in paste! | 4,247 |
My wife found a new way to get ne to pay attention She says "the motorcycles trash needs to be taken out" or "the boats clothes need to make it into the hamper" or "this weekend card game I'm taking the kids to my parents and filing for a divorce"
I checked the bike and the boat and wanted to tell her they're all set before the card game but she wasnt home. Strange. | 4,248 |
Just got a big Mac Just picked up a Big Mac Meal at the drive-thru. I'm not hungry, I just need the napkins for wiping my arse. | 4,249 |
Anakin and Obi wan having a stand off Anakin: You underestimate my power!
Obi wan: Your watt?
Anakin: Exactly! | 4,250 |
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence. | 4,251 |
I bought a car that grants wishes It's a Lamborgenie | 4,252 |
Sixteen sodium atoms enter a bar Followed by Batman. | 4,253 |
I asked my Teacher what “plethora” meant After she told me I thanked her and told her it meant a lot | 4,254 |
The Federal Government Announced a Ban on Meetings of More than 10 People Fortunately, the 2020 International MENSA Members for Trump Convention will be held, as scheduled, with a few openings remaining. | 4,255 |
Weddings around the world are being cancelled. Thousands of men’s lives will be saved. | 4,256 |
What do you call it when a woman keeps queefing in your face? Cunnilingusts. | 4,257 |
Kid and his Mom are sitting at home ....when there is a knock at the door.
Kid goes and answers it.
"Hey Mum, there's a man here with a bill."
"Don't be silly honey, it must be a duck with a hat on." | 4,258 |
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them. police call it indecent exposure, but whatever. | 4,259 |
Driving down a treacherous highway pass Kenny’s car suddenly veers off an embankment... After coming to a halt he looks at the wreck and realizes the front tire and rim had come off causing the crash. He then sings out “You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel” | 4,260 |
My math teacher called me average... How mean. | 4,261 |
There's a country named after Swiper the Fox. Unfortunately, Dora and Boots said "Swiper, no swiping." Oman | 4,262 |
What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
His shoes | 4,263 |
Jesus saves! Moses invests!
But only Buddha guarantees returns. | 4,264 |
Caught my sister masturbating. She asked me to keep it a secret. I told her to go fuck herself. | 4,265 |
An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip Now everything is back under control.
^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry. | 4,266 |
My car was coughing and spluttering as I started it this morning. It's a Toyota Corona. | 4,267 |
A short fragment of a telephone conversation with psychic "Hello? Have I reached Marty the Psychic?"
"Yes"
"Hello Marty, my name is David"
"I know" | 4,268 |
I've been in self-quarantine for a while, now. Like, 10 years, minimum. | 4,269 |
I always thought that World War III was about the last oil reserves. When it actually will be about the last rolls of toilet paper. | 4,270 |
Trump and Thanos are a bar discussing their plans. They are having a heated discussion when Putin comes in and asks what they are talking about.
Trump : we are going to decimate half the population including Keanu Reaves.
Putin : why Keanau Reaves?
Thanos : see..I told you nobody will care if half the population disappears?
*snap* | 4,271 |
A strongman goes to the Doctor A strongman goes to the Doctor on a Saturday afternoon.
Upon first glance the doctor says, "wow you look quite strong. Let me guess, you have trouble sleeping on the weekends?"
The strongman says "why yes, how did you know?"
The doctor replies "Because sleep is for the week." | 4,272 |
Divorce Attorney
Squeezing Every Last Drop
Out of Ya
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney" | 4,273 |
Last night I hooked up with a girl I met at a club. She seemed nervous about going back to my place, so I told her a few jokes to help her relax. I lolled her into a false sense of security. | 4,274 |
This stock market crash is worse than a divorce I've lost half my money, and my wife is still around. | 4,275 |
What do redditors do when they have the corona virus They spreddit. | 4,276 |
I’ve been told to wear gloves and a mask when I go outside. But I’m still confused - everyone else is wearing clothes. | 4,277 |
Have you see the market for toilet paper these days?! It keeps touching a new bottom. Investors are being wiped clean! Most other paper products are stationary though. Diapers remain unchanged. | 4,278 |
Soon we have to hunt so we can eat ... and I don't know where lasagnas live. | 4,279 |
I got to bang a 10/10 cougar after a night at the club Now I'm banned from the local zoo.. | 4,280 |
The Vistor
There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said," Come in and sit down".
When he sat down I asked, "What do you want to talk about"?
He said, " Damned if I know, I've never got this far before" | 4,281 |
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING"
His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN" | 4,282 |
How is the stock market like sex? I should've pulled out much sooner. | 4,283 |
I feel sorry for the homeless people. What will they do when a curfew comes? | 4,284 |
Why is a bungalow called a bungalow? When the builders were half way through they said "just bung a low roof on it" | 4,285 |
Fact: If you have itchy bum in the evening You will have smelly fingers in the morning | 4,286 |
My best friend died after he was in a car crash and they couldn't work out what blood type he was He kept saying "be positive, be positive" but it's very hard in a situation like that | 4,287 |
I'm surprised crows and ravens aren't looked at with more fear these days. They are Corvids after all. | 4,288 |
I studied bees today I guess you can call it Bee-ology | 4,289 |
I hear Marks and Spencer are embracing the wartime spirit. Personally I think it's a step to far, bit if it takes bombing Germany then so be it. | 4,290 |
Everybody said wearing gloves and a mask os enough while going to the grocery
They lied, everybody also had their clothes on | 4,291 |
When I was born I was given 2 choices. A good memory or a huge dick. I don't remember, what I chose. | 4,292 |
Just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. | 4,293 |
What did the farmer say when he was driving his tractor down the road and his tire fell off? *You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel* | 4,294 |
Why did the Arabs bring raisins to the prom? Cuz they couldn’t get dates… | 4,295 |
Since everybody has now started washing their hands, The peanuts at the bar have lost their taste | 4,296 |
For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife Not made to scale | 4,297 |
Garlic The most effective social distancing enforcer. | 4,298 |
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think | 4,299 |
What happened to mingham after it was on fire? It became Burnmingham | 4,300 |
What do you call the feeling of superiority that some PC players have over console gamers? The PCBro Effect. | 4,301 |
Didn't like shopping there anyway Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO. | 4,302 |
Clocks are all pretty much the same But sometimes the differences are alarming | 4,303 |
If I was an ant, where would I live? In an engine, coz I'd be a coolant | 4,304 |
It always amuses me to think what must have happened in Star Trek over the next three hundred years for a Frenchman like Picard to have an English accent... And not an Arabic one. | 4,305 |
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel!
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour, she replied.
"Great, the husband says, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' | 4,306 |
Why did the chinese stop the Corona virus and the world's struggling to. Because the Chinese are good at Kung-flu fighting | 4,307 |
I thought about posting a Coronavirus joke on here but you won't get it. | 4,308 |
First draft of anything you write is shit. That’s why I start with a second. | 4,309 |
My parents are the funniest people.in the world They made a joke 19 years ago and people are still laughing at it. | 4,310 |
What's the ideal set up to watch acclaimed movies while stuck at home from Corona? A Tent in Quarantino | 4,311 |
What do you get if you cross a canine with a wildlife facility? A Shit Zoo. | 4,312 |
My Grandma and Grandad beat the Coronavirus.... My grandma died last year in January and my grandad died 4 years ago. | 4,313 |
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