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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
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(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)
(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!) | 4,314 |
One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?" | 4,315 |
A guy is sitting at the doctors office
The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’
Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’
Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.' | 4,316 |
During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper.
As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.
"Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband | 4,317 |
Everytime I go to a wedding my grandpa pokes me and says, " You're Next" So then everytime i go to a funeral with him, i poke him and say, " You're next." | 4,318 |
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me because 6 inches was not enough for her. I told her "Fine next time I'll get you the footlong subway". | 4,319 |
A man walked into a bar and killed everyone.... When police came to arrest him >!he closes the GTA and shut his PC down!< | 4,320 |
A Duck was sitting on the side of the road, thinking about crossing it.. A chicken walks up to him and says, “don’t even think about it mate. You’ll never hear the end of it” | 4,321 |
Young Arnold Schwarzenegger is selected to play a horse in his school play with another kid The costume consists of two parts. The front part and the rear.
So the kid says: "Ok Arnold, I'll be the front."
So Arnold agrees and says: "I'll be back." | 4,322 |
I've decided to combat the Coronavirυs by raising awareness. I spent the day canvassing the street and delivering 10-minute lectures to passerbys about the importance of social isolation, especially if you're feeling sick.
I think I'm making progress. I've already spoken to 50 people today!
I'm especially proud of today's efforts because I woke up with a fever and running nose, but I didn't let that stop me! | 4,323 |
I went to the supermarket and finally found my favorite food! Toilet paper | 4,324 |
A woman tells her therapist that her husband made 2 fat jokes about her the previous day. Husband: That's a lie.
Therapist: Then why would she remember you making them?
Husband: Because elephants never forget. | 4,325 |
So this famous singer was doing a giveaway... The prize was a tablet a brand new phone and 1 minute of singing on stage with this famous singer. So a girl named Jess signed her brother up for the giveaway knowing full well he hates crowds and technology but sure enough he won the contest and he was forced to go on stage with this singer. Boy oh boy was Jess’s brother Sam wishing he could die. He accepted his tablet, phone, and mini concert and left. Sam didn’t want to sing but Samsung. | 4,326 |
Why was the guitarist arrested [NSFW] For fingering D minors | 4,327 |
It's been almost 30 years since my dad died and I think my mom should start seeing someone else... ...she just doesn't turn me on the way she used to. | 4,328 |
My Uber driver told me that he stuffs animals as a side gig He's a Taxi-Dermist. | 4,329 |
I got the roundabout Coronavirus test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has the Coronavirus?" "No? Cool, ‘cause you know me." (Credit Mitch Hedberg- w/modern twist) | 4,330 |
So COVID-19 has been traced back to a single Lemur. Millennials: Yes we know, it’s a boomer flu. | 4,331 |
I have found amazing way to prevent Covid-19 spread Give strong laxative to everyone (except priority workers) who are outside, that way they will stay at home, wash hands more times and use all that TP that they have hoarded. | 4,332 |
How to tell the sex of an ant? Drop it in water...
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats..... | 4,333 |
Good news, you can't get infected if you don't have a license It's only a Car-ownavirus. | 4,334 |
Hey girl, are you the Corona virus? Coz you took my breath away | 4,335 |
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis That priest is in prison now | 4,336 |
For losers, Social Distancing is great. It means every night is like a Friday night. | 4,337 |
Why is a good joke like a good pizza? It’s all in the delivery. | 4,338 |
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM." | 4,339 |
What do you call a clock with no hands, no movement, and no numbers? Not a clock. | 4,340 |
What does my uncle and a gastroenterologist have in common? Both shoved foreign objects up my ass after drugging me. | 4,341 |
During the middle ages the vote count didnt matter Instead your Counts vote mattered | 4,342 |
How do you kiss someone who has COVID-19? With your apocalypse! | 4,343 |
What’s the difference between a sewer grate and a neckbeard? A sewer grate is less of a drain in society. | 4,344 |
Wanted to start panic buying. But I saw my bank account and can only panic. | 4,345 |
What's an estate agents favourite hot beverage? Proper tea | 4,346 |
A town floods and there is a religious man stuck on his ceiling. On the first day a boat with other civilians passes by and asks if they want to go with them to safety. The man replies with “God will supply me and be my savior”. The next day firefighters come by in a rescue boat and asks the man if he wants help. He again replies “God will supply me and be my savior”. On the third day of being on the roof a police boat comes by saying that they are picking up all remaining survivors and the man responds “God will supply me and be my savior”. The next day he wakes up in heaven and asks God why he didn’t save him, God replies with “Dude, I sent you three boats” | 4,347 |
Boss: Why are you asking for a raise? Employee: Well, boss. Somehow my family found out that other people eat 3 meals a day. | 4,348 |
Why did the cow cross the road I dont know or care i just wish he mooooved out the middle | 4,349 |
My dog pooped in the elevator today. Edit - shit that escalated quickly. | 4,350 |
I just took your girl to the Virgin Islands. Now they’re just called the islands | 4,351 |
Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me. | 4,352 |
What do you call it when a girl sends her pussy to the stake in a poker game? Hole-in | 4,353 |
What is Abraham Lincolns least favorite phone box? John Wilkes Booth | 4,354 |
A man is extremely lonely and makes a cup of tea He begins to see the cup of tea as a friend, he begins to care for the cup of tea as his only companion. He stops and thinks “that’s hilarious a pet cup of tea”.
One day, the cup goes missing, and he starts thinking “what could the perpetrator even be charged with.”
The answer: “Petty” Thievery | 4,355 |
I got fired from the unemployment office today my boss said “clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on monday” | 4,356 |
I killed my wife with a woodworking tool. Now she is my ax-wife. | 4,357 |
How do you confuse a fellow stupid redditor? 37 | 4,358 |
In my 20’s i worked in the woods as a lumberjack just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax | 4,359 |
Why do gay people often stay so long in the closet before their coming out? Because it's a dark room. | 4,360 |
I’m working on a new fiction book It’s called *Coronavirus*. That way I can ask people if they’ve read the novel Coronavirus. | 4,361 |
Questions on the new quarantine math test If johnny has 30 watermelons, and is forbidden to contact or interact with any other people for 21 days, how many watermelons is he left with? | 4,362 |
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall by Oasis I said maybe | 4,363 |
Godzilla is destroying a city and eating all sorts of humans. His accomplice Bobzilla shows up with Charlie Brown, Lucy, Schroeder, and Snoopy, offering them to Godzilla..
He quickly says no.
“Bobzilla, you know I have a peanut allergy!” | 4,364 |
The Democrats
A Democrat politician visited a remote little town in the Appalachians and asked the inhabitants what the Democrat party could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the Mayor.. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The Democrat whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all here in these mountains." | 4,365 |
A hunter walks into a gun store... He walks up to the counter and asks the owner for a good scope for his hunting rifle.
The owner says "Check this one out. It's so powerful you can see my house all the way up on the hill over there"
The hunter looks through the scope and exclaims "I can see a lot more than that! There's a couple having sex in there!"
The owner grabs the scope back and looks up the hill at his house. "That fucking whore!" he shouts. He turns around and pulls a rifle off the rack, loads it with ammunition, and mounts the scope. He hands it back to the hunter.
He then says "Tell you what. I want you to take this rifle, put a bullet through that guys dick, and another one through my cheatin' wife's head!! If you do that, I'll give you this rifle and the scope for free!!"
The hunter takes the gun, walks over to the window and takes another look through the scope. After careful consideration, he replies "I think I can do it in one shot." | 4,366 |
There was a time I felt excited for my Cake day. Then I realized I have no joke to share for it. | 4,367 |
Little Ann's necklace, long Little Ann and little Dave were playing in preschool, little Dave noticed little Ann had a ribbon around her neck, little Dave asked her why she wears it, she responded "I like it"
Later on, their parents, by coincidence, enrolled their kids into the same schools again, little Ann and little Dave met again in elementary school, after some time catching up and playing together for weeks, little Dave asked again, again she responded" it's comfortortable and cute"
Later on come junior high, hormones raging, little Dave takes little Ann on their first date, they make out, eat and what not, little Dave ask again, again she responded "it's tradition" so little Dave thinks nothing of it and doesn't press
Here comes high-school, little Dave and little Ann still together on another date at the make out parking lot, little Dave tries to remove her necklace, she politely responds "sorry, I don't take it off, it's just tk comfy" so little Dave is Kool and they continue
Ckme high schoolmates graduation, they say their goodbyes to their friends and family and peacefully break up as they both going to different colleges on different sides of the country, little Dave ask one last time, she responds "if we ever see eachother again after college I'll tell you"
10 years later they both got ohds, little Dave went tk Harvard, lttle Ann went to a&m, they got their lifes on tracks and all the good stuff, they meet again at the high school reunion and reminess, they find each other still single, little Dave Munsters and asks again, again she responds "after a few dates I might mtell you'
A few dates later little Dave asks again, again she responds" it's ceremonial, passed down from father to son and since my dad didn't have a son, he gave it to me his eldest daughter"little Dave thinks of this
Few years later, they got 2 kids and another on its way, little Dave asks why she has never taken it off, again she responds "I'll tell you when the kids are out of the house"
20 yearsater, all the kids are in college and gone, again little Dave asks, she responds "I'll tell you when all our kids give us grand kids"
3 years later, 6 grand kids, they all dropped college moved. Home, little Dave asks again "get the kids out of the house, I don't want a 3 generation family household, get them out and j will tell you'
2 years later, all the kids finishes their degrees and were kicked out for good(Dave sold their stuff, to pay for their college finishs) again little Dave asks, again she responds "okay, I will tell yiu everything about my necklace, but at this years family reunion"
So at the family reunion 3 months later, little Dave asks again, she pulls off her ribbon and her head falls off | 4,368 |
If you had to choose between a nice wife or a new truck Would you get gas or diesel? | 4,369 |
A blind man walks into a bar Because his seeing eye dog stopped to take a piss. | 4,370 |
The Magic Lake There's a magic lake in Canada. People come and shout loud name of a thing, jump into lake, then can transform to anything they want. People transformed to eagle, white bear, tiger, etc. Some people even wish to be sakura, rose.
Some day a guy visited the lake. Suddenly he slipped and shout: "oh SHIT", then plunged down the lake. | 4,371 |
Authorities order full shutdown of toilet lids. No shit. | 4,372 |
Apparently Liquor Stores are, “Essential Business,” in New York City After all, it’s the only way Mayor DeBlasio could manage to make the worst possible decisions in every situation he has ever been in. | 4,373 |
What is the best modern-day dance? The Macorona | 4,374 |
My Gay Parrot! (Kinda crappy I know) So my pet parrot and I have a tight bond. Like, super tight. He's basically my dude, my bro, the cock to my balls you might say. However, I have always made it clear to him that our relationship is far from romantic. Recently though, he began learning to put more complex phrases together and has been using sloppy one liners in an attempt to seduce me. He has always had an extremely potent sex drive, his name is "Busta" (if you catch my drift).
Have you ever been seduced by a parrot before? No?
Well, it is hella weird and kinda perverted given the squawky voice that parrots have. The attempts are very rudimentary and sloppy as a bj from a spider monkey, but there is definitely an attempt to sound natural and sexy. His favorite phrases vary from nonsense such as "Boy you tomato? Cuz Busta wanna hump" to a relatively sophisticated "Guess where I hide food pellets" or even "You. Me. Bang Bang!"
Now, it eventually came to the point that I could no longer simply ignore his advances. (Plus I was getting tired of being woken up to a bird dry humping my foot) Yesterday, I had a sit down with him, it played out something like this.
Me: "Yo, so umm... we gotta talk"
Busta: "You fuck me?"
Me: "NO! See, this is what we gotta talk about man. Listen, You are a damn sexy parrot bro, and any other bird would be lucky to have you. You are charming, confident, and very intelligent. But like bro, I'm not gay. I don't feel for you the same way. Plus I'm a person. My dick would literally destroy you!"
Busta: "Thats the fuckin idea" \*sexy parrot wink\*(you shoulda seen it. freaky as hell)
Me: "NO IT'S NOT!! DON'T YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING!?"
Busta \*looks at his birdie boner in shame\*
Me: "I DONT GIVE A FLYING FUCK!" | 4,375 |
I might have corona I feel less durable and wanna be shipped around the world | 4,376 |
Two golfers are talking at the 19th hole Pete: "My wife calls me 2-putt Pete, my direction is fine but I'm always a few inches short"
Tony: "I hear you, my wife always calls me 2-putt Tony. Length is perfect but my aim is always a couple inches to the side" | 4,377 |
Finally got my hands on a rare book on the history of clocks ...It's about time! | 4,378 |
Went and saw that new invisible Man movie I couldn't see what was so scary. | 4,379 |
Driving home my wife asked if the heated seats were broken. I told her I turned them on for dinner asked what temperature she preheated to. She didn’t think it was as funny as I did. | 4,380 |
My friend asked me if it’s ok to use everyday objects for sexual stimulation. He’s sitting on the fence. | 4,381 |
I told my mom i identified as a helicopter. She said: Props to you. | 4,382 |
The hospitals will be overwhelmed by Corona in January! Corona Babies | 4,383 |
They should wait until next year to do the census Cause it’ll be easier to count | 4,384 |
Correct Grammar
Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar. I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. | 4,385 |
Me: Let's do BBQ this weekend to celebrate the onset of Spring My Daughter: OK, Boomer.
COVID-19 :( | 4,386 |
Imagine this was the governments messing with us.... April 1st comes rolling around, “April fools bitches, we got you soooooo good, now get your ass back to work!” | 4,387 |
I’m having a quarantine party. None of you are invited. | 4,388 |
The sex shop A white woman walks into a sex shop and approaches the counter.
She asks the salesman, "How much for the white dildo?"
He says, "$10."
She says, "How much for the black one?"
He says, "$15."
So she buys the black one.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks the salesman, "How much for the black dildo?"
"$15."
"And how much for the white one?"
"$10."
So she buys the white one.
About an hour later a Polish woman comes in and asks the salesman, "How much for the white dildo?"
"$10."
"How much for the black one?"
"$15."
"And how much for the plaid one?"
"$35."
So she buys the plaid one.
About an hour later the guy's boss returns from lunch and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
And the salesman says, "For ten dollars I sold a black woman a white dildo. For fifteen dollars I sold a white woman a black dildo. And for thirty five dollars I sold a Polish woman a thermos." | 4,389 |
I just found out why people are buying so much toilet paper. An asteroid might hit earth in 2020. Paper beats rock. | 4,390 |
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. | 4,391 |
A man sitting in a bar head down and sobbing Bartender: Hey bud everything ok?
Man: No I'm terrible I caught my wife having sex with my best friend!
Bartender: Omg that's horrible I'm sorry what did you do?
Man: I told her to pack her shit up and get out!
Bartender: Understandable, and your friend?
Man: I chased him downstairs and caught him by the back door trying to escape. Grabbed him around the neck and said BAD DOG! | 4,392 |
What do you call a woman who is self isolating? Quaran-Tina | 4,393 |
They said a mask and gloves was all I needed to go to the grocery store...THEY LIED!... Everybody else had clothes.... | 4,394 |
What sits in a corner and gets smaller and smaller? A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler. | 4,395 |
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly? Half a dog. | 4,396 |
I just got a new puppy and she has schizophrenic... my wife wouldn’t let me name her “crazy bitch” | 4,397 |
Tried the #stayathome challenge today. Turns out my brother comes to visit my wife everyday while I'm at work. | 4,398 |
The shower and the toilet are having a discussion when The toilet yells at the shower "you're so big but such a cry baby!" and the shower replies "and you're so small yet such a shithole!" | 4,399 |
Dad: Hey son, have you heard that joke with the deaf guy and a dumbass? Son: No, what is it?
Dad: I'm sorry, what?
Son: What's the joke?
Dad: I can't hear you.
Son: I hate you. | 4,400 |
A group of telemarketers walked into a bar... they left though. The line was too busy. | 4,401 |
Have you heard the one where an Irishman walks out of a bar? Hey, hey, don't be racist, it could happen. | 4,402 |
People shouldn’t worry about the coronavirus. Considering where it was made, it should break soon. | 4,403 |
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile | 4,404 |
A city boy wants to be a farmer. A young city boy is tired of being cramped up in the city and wants a fresh start out in the green pastures of the country. He sells his belongings and heads to the outer reaches of his state and eventually finds work on a farm.
His first task was to successfully milk a cow. He has no idea what hes doing but doesnt want to ask questions for fear of looking stupid. He grabs his pale and stool finds the nearest cow and begins the milking process. Not even 1 second into it he is beaten senseless by the cow and runs for his life.
The next day despite his injuries he is determined to successfully milk the cow. He tries again but of course fails and is once again beaten senseless by the cow.
The third day he musters the remaining bit of his strength to try again and of almost like clockwork the cow beats him almost into a coma.
The fourth day he goes to the master farmer and confesses that, in fact, he has no experience in farm life and was a city slicker from birth. The old bearded farmer bursts with laughter “I could tell you were from the city from day one!”
“How?” The young man asks.
“You been tuggin on that poor bull for days!” | 4,405 |
An old married couple are in church one Sunday When the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”
The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.” | 4,406 |
How do you make a dog drink? Put it in the blender | 4,407 |
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese? She grated it. | 4,408 |
My girlfriend is like the Miranda Rights. Anything I say can and will be used against me. | 4,409 |
What does a popsicle become when it melts? Sticky. | 4,410 |
What's the difference between a unicorn and a head of cabbage? One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast! | 4,411 |
So... I matched with a Chinese girl on Tinder. Her bio said I like my men like I like my food. My opening message was “I’m Batman!” | 4,412 |
Corona Isn't Trump's Fault, H1n1 wasn't Obama's fault, Sars wasn't Bush's and only a handful of herpes cases were Clinton's fault. | 4,413 |
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