text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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What do you call a man who thinks he's a gentleman but is actually a dick? A genital-man. | 575,480 |
What do you call Santa without toys? A lost Clause | 575,481 |
How do nuns go to bed? Out of habit. | 575,482 |
What ringtone have you got? Murphy asked Paddy, "What ringtone have you got?"
Paddy said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown | 575,483 |
What's an African's least favourite hat? A bowler | 575,484 |
What's the best thing about fucking 93 year olds? NOTHING!!! | 575,485 |
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the gov... | 575,486 |
Slept with a girl who had eczema last night The sex was alright but her tits were cracking! | 575,487 |
Why did the pervert cross the road? He couldn't get his cock out of the chicken | 575,488 |
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Who are we kidding, feminists can't change anything. | 575,489 |
DRINKING BUDDIES Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you ... | 575,490 |
It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later. | 575,491 |
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One deer turns to the other and says "Man, I cant believe i blew 30 bucks in there" | 575,492 |
77 Q: Why is 77 better than 69?
A: You get eight more. | 575,493 |
Did you here about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months. | 575,494 |
What do a baby and an Etch A Sketch have in common? If you don't like it, you just shake it and start over. | 575,495 |
Internet Explorer Chrome and Firefox are popular web browsers.
Internet Explorer is the most popular web browser to install Chrome or Firefox with. | 575,496 |
April showers bring May flowers, but do you know what May flowers brings? Pilgrims. | 575,497 |
There was a Scottish painter... There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big rest... | 575,498 |
Knock knock. Who's at the door? *silence* | 575,499 |
What did Jay Z say to Beyonce after having an ice cream shoved up his arse? I'm feeling a bit sorbet. | 575,500 |
Hygiene is important. Some people don't know the meaning of hygiene. There I was with my Friend, in the cemetery, digging up a corpse to fuck it up its arse. After we managed to dig it up and have our way with it, my Friend says: "What if the police come, take sperm samples and find out it was us? Let's destroy the evi... | 575,501 |
Rah rah ree, kick 'em in the knee! Rah rah rass, kick 'em in the... Other knee. *Teehee* | 575,502 |
The best way to find a female chromosome They're always asking y | 575,503 |
How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get down off a duck. | 575,504 |
My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I could build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta! | 575,505 |
I watched an owl comedian the other day. He was a hoot! | 575,507 |
What Makes ISIS Spread Faster Than The Internet? An Airstrike. | 575,508 |
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died today There will be no coffin at his funeral. | 575,509 |
A woman on the radio... A woman on the radio decides to announce her unborn son's name live. She makes a big deal about it and let's it out.
Macon Wood | 575,510 |
Mary Poppins Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but ... | 575,511 |
Why did the sperm cross the road? I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning. | 575,512 |
I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her. | 575,513 |
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday | 575,514 |
What did the witch say ... What did the witch say when she answered the phone?
"Hello." | 575,516 |
A regular walks into the hair salon… I recognized him even before he announced his name; I knew he would want colouring and a contrasting shade for highlights. My assistant would have to get everything ready, so when he said "My name is Inigo Montoya" I shouted out, "Prepare two dyes!" | 575,517 |
Did you know that FDR's collection of pet kangaroos were purposely written out of the history books? Shocking, I know. I couldn't imagine how his roosafelt. | 575,518 |
What did the doctor say to the man that broke his arm? Be patient | 575,519 |
What has two wings and a halo? A chinese man on the phone! Wing wing, halo? | 575,520 |
Finally decided to throw away my favourite pair of socks but then i got cold feet | 575,521 |
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb None. Who needs a lightbulb when there's a glass ceiling. | 575,522 |
There are only five things we need in life.. There are only five things we need in life:
1.Good friends,
2: Good job,
3: Good sleep,
4: Good food &
5: Good __uck.
Whatever you're thinking is right. | 575,523 |
So the other day i saw a beaver begging by the side d the river But I didn't give a dam | 575,524 |
When will a proper female AI be made? When we invent NANDOR logic gates | 575,525 |
Magic lamp "found a magic lamp the other day" I said to my friend
"really, what did you wish for" he replied
"well, the Genie said that I had 2 options. Either a really large penis or photogenic memory"
"So which did you choose?"
I can't remember. | 575,526 |
G-r-l-ammer My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammar.)
| 575,527 |
Two deer walk into a gay bar... 1 hour later they leave and one says to the other,
"damn I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in that place" | 575,528 |
What do you call a mexican cyclops? Juan Eye. | 575,529 |
So I was screwing this chick in the ass the other day when she turns around and says, "How did I get myself into such a precarious situation?" I said, "Where did a 9 year old learn the word 'precarious?'" | 575,530 |
Funny Definition of communication Teacher To Student: What is definition of communication ?
Student: I can define only last part of definition.
Teacher: Yes Define.
Student: and this is called communication. | 575,531 |
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Sylvester Stallone wanted to dress up as classical composers for Halloween? "You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach." | 575,532 |
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear (buccaneer). | 575,533 |
Why did the black man go to the golf-club on Sunday afternoon? Because he had a membership. | 575,534 |
Why Hitler died? Because he saw the gas facture. | 575,535 |
I got a phone call from a girl saying "Come over! No one's home!" I went over and no one was home
-Rodney Dangerfield | 575,536 |
[NSFW] Little johnny asks his mom... "Mom, why does granma have an oyster between her legs?" And his mom replies,"What? What oyster?" Perplexed, she goes to the living room only to find Granma sprawled buck naked over the sofa. So she explains to Johny,"Son that's not an oyster. It's a very special thing all women have... | 575,537 |
if I'm ever trying to murder someone... If I'm ever trying to murder someone and they're getting away, I'm just gonna yell "WAIT! YOU'RE ON SCARE TACTICS!"
and as they come back laughing I'll stab them 47 times in the chest. | 575,538 |
What do I say every time I make a comment? A comment a day keeps the karma away! | 575,540 |
"If you woke up with your pants at your ankles and your ass covered in vasoline, would you tell anybody?" Guy #2: "No."
Guy #1: "Just wondering.... Wanna go camping?" | 575,541 |
A blonde and a lawyer A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game i... | 575,543 |
What do you call a rising poll? Upvote | 575,544 |
What's the worst part about cumming in 2 mintues? Spooning. | 575,545 |
Religious Pick-up Lines [NSFW] Girl, did you take Hebrew? 'Cause later you're gonna be takin' some of my he-brew!
Girl, do you know the Benediction? 'Cause my name's Ben, and you're gonna be Ben-addicted!
Girl, are you a Calvinist? 'Cause you're gonna be a taking-off-my-Calvins-ist!
Girl, are you a Muslim? 'Cause I ... | 575,546 |
A businessman is getting on a flight... A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to ... | 575,547 |
Drake Lyrics I was running and I stubbed my fuckin toe, you know how that shit go, I went down to the floor | 575,548 |
A pirate walked into a bar... A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I g... | 575,549 |
My wife asked me what happened to the hamster. My wife asked me what happened to the hamster.
I told her I put Red Bull in its water bottle
"Oh, so you're going to tell me it grew wings and flew away?"
"No," I said. "It died." | 575,550 |
A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural... A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of t... | 575,551 |
I love being healthy by eating tomatoes. They always taste like Double Quarter Pounders with cheese. | 575,552 |
Not to brag, but in high school, I was really good at basketball. I was good enough to play with all of the really good black kids during gym. And at such a socially awkward stage of my life, it felt amazing to be accepted by another race, another culture. However, my team would get really mad at me when I would pass t... | 575,553 |
Do brothels do tight arse Tuesday? And is it cheaper or more expensive? | 575,554 |
What's a pirate's favorite letter? The P. If the P was taken away, he would be irate | 575,555 |
How do you make a holy water? Put it in a pot and boil the hell out of it. | 575,557 |
What do you call the wafers you eat at church? Jeez-its | 575,558 |
The interesting thing about the Royal wedding is ... .....
exactly .... | 575,559 |
Why don't old people have sex? Have you ever opened up a grilled cheese? | 575,560 |
Why are gametes so popular? Because sex cells! | 575,561 |
What do you call a despotic penis potato? A dictator | 575,563 |
[NSFW] What does a gay vampire say? "i want to suck your cock"
*say it with a Romanian accent | 575,564 |
That went swimmingly And I can't swim. | 575,565 |
I sat down and watched this movie with Nicolas Cage the other day... We talked through the whole movie and he is actually a pretty cool guy. | 575,566 |
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. It can't come to you anyway. | 575,567 |
Roddy vs Uncle Milty How about a Hollywood joke? Roddy McDowell was known as one of the biggest gay cocksmen in all of Hollywood. He ran into Uncle Milty Milton Berle, another legendary gay goliath at some restaurant. They jibber jabbered about it and then made a bet and agreed to compare their schemeckles. So they wen... | 575,568 |
You know what jokes are the worst? Lesbian jokes. Those are for pussies. | 575,569 |
I'm a firm believer in the phrase "If you want something done right, do it yourself" That's why I masturbate. | 575,570 |
Who's the biggest bitch in a whole wide world? OPs mom | 575,571 |
Why do ladies prefer 77 over 69? Because it's eight more. | 575,572 |
Messy people must see reality shows differently They must see shows like "hoarders" as people with a bunch of cool stuff and douche bags throwing it away | 575,573 |
So I asked my Doctor, "Doctor, what are we going to do about this dangerous virus from Africa?" He said, "I don't know, he has two more years in office.” | 575,574 |
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off. | 575,575 |
Cake day: How many scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: I don't know, I'm no scientist | 575,576 |
So I was doing donuts in my car.. And a cop pulls me over. Now I know what you're thinking, who names their dog Donuts? | 575,577 |
Want to hear a joke? Ok
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints | 575,578 |
New Girlfriend (30) (*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh,Julia, because I just added the song "Julia" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
[**Laugh here**]
| 575,579 |
I often wondered why so many cars would line up behind one another on so many stop lights; when, the other 2 lanes were wiiide open. Then I realized, when you're high, this makes perfect sense. It's much easier to drive when following another car so naturally they stack up after another just like I was about to do at ... | 575,580 |
How do Jews celebrate Christmas? By dancing around the cash register singing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" | 575,581 |
pedophile do you think pedophiles get depressed when they see a pregnant women walk into planned parenthood?
| 575,582 |
Whats the best way to watch porn? In double HD. | 575,583 |
How does a pirate reenact Travis Bickle's speech? Are you talking to me? | 575,584 |
What sentence is counterclockwise? "She left the down right up there." | 575,585 |
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