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I had a girlfriend with a parakeet. We had to break up cause it would never shut up. But the bird was cool. | 575,586 |
I just thought of a really funny joke... but I forgot it. | 575,587 |
I have the best prison name Mitochondria | 575,588 |
How do you convert Spanish programming into English? Yes++ | 575,589 |
What do 16 year old boys and drug companies have in common? They are both more worried about getting inside you than being effective once there! | 575,590 |
My friend threw a pebble at me for not giving him the video game he wanted for Christmas... I just said 'Let he who is without sims throw the first stone'. | 575,591 |
What would you say about someone who li kes to tell cancer jokes? That he has a sense of tumor
(Courtesy of twitter.com/sorryforthelolz) | 575,592 |
What do you call an overweight rapper? 2 Chinz | 575,593 |
"A three-legged dog walks into a bar... ...and says to the bartender, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw'."
I don't get it can someone please explain? | 575,594 |
NSFW) Name your James Bond Porno...Go! From Russia With Glove:No Glove = No Love | 575,595 |
I bought some green apples about a week ago I can't believe they're still not ripe | 575,596 |
A priest and a rabbi are walking in the park. The priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "How much do you charge for circumscisions?"
The rabbi responds, "They're free, but I get to keep the tips." | 575,597 |
Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. | 575,598 |
Four Nuns These four nuns were met with a terrible fate and all passed away. When they arrive at the pearly gates, they are greeted by St. Peter. He says to them.
"I'm sure you've all lived holy lives, but before I let you through I want you each to tell me the worst sin you've ever committed."
The first nun shyly says "I once looked at a man's penis..."
St. Peter says "Alright, God forgives you. Come over to this pool of holy water and wash your eyes out."
She does and then walks through.
The second nun walks up
St. Peter asks "What is the worst sin you've ever committed?"
The second nun shyly says "I once touched a mans penis..."
St. Peter replies "Alright, God forgives you. Come over to this pool of holy water and wash your hands."
She does and walks through.
Now, the fourth nun starts shouting "Me next! Me next!"
St. Peter says "Wait your turn."
Insistingly, the fourth nun says "NoNoNo, Me Next! Me Next!"
St. Peter replies "Now why is it that you have to go next?"
The fourth nun says "Because, I want to rinse my mouth out before Sister Ann sticks her ass in that thing!" | 575,599 |
What did Ohio say to Oklahoma? Oh, hi "O".
`ifit'sbaddon'tkillme` | 575,600 |
Blacksmith asked, do you have any experience in horseshoeing? "Yes, I once told a horse to fuck off." | 575,601 |
A football player is about to fail math class An all-star college basketball player is about to fail his math class. If he fails, he can't play in the final game of the year. His coach recognizes the catastrophic impact this will have on the outcome of the game, so he goes to talk to the player's professor. The coach begs the professor to give the student an easy problem on the final exam and the professor agrees. The student walks in and the teacher gives him his final exam orally.
"What is 6 + 6?" The professor asked.
The student is puzzled. He tries counting on his fingers, but there simply aren't enough fingers to count. After a moment of silence, the player speaks up.
"11?"
The coach and the teacher both look distraught and the teacher says "I'm sorry, that's wrong. You fail and cannot play."
"Oh COME ON!" The coach yells. "Give the kid another shot! He was only two off." | 575,602 |
What did Hitler get the Jews for Christmas? Nothing. Jews don't celebrate Christmas. | 575,603 |
The second coming A cardinal rushes into the pope's quarters. "Holy Father, Holy Father! I have some good news and some bad news for you!"
The pope requests he give the good news first.
"I've just received a phone call from Jesus and he has returned to Earth to gather the redeemed for the rapture!"
The pope leaps from his chair in joy. "This is the greatest news in history! What bad news could you have that could possibly overcome my joy!"
"He was calling from Salt Lake City" | 575,604 |
A patient kept complaining about his life-support machine making a weird noise So I tried turning it off and back on again. | 575,605 |
It's the cheese police, you're under arrest. Looks like you've been keeping all your cheddar... In a Swiss bank account. | 575,606 |
Well, that escalated quickly! http://imgur.com/Sjrxt6L | 575,607 |
A rich man and a poor man There once was a rich man and a poor man. Each longed for love and a life to share with another special person. One day they both found just that. Come to find out however, they were each dating the other's sister.
So the rich man, being very protective of his little sister, organized a double date for the couples. While on the date, the rich man couldn't wait any longer and shouted to the poor man, "Anything you do to my sister, I do to your sister!" So the poor man thought for a minute. "Okay," he said and reached down in his pocket, pulled out a dollar and said, "Here sweetie, have my life savings." | 575,608 |
Joe went to a party and met a woman sitting on a wooden chair with 3 small children around her The woman happened to be Joe's long-lost aunt Froda, and upon seeing him, beckoned him to her. Froda told him, "These are my 3 children!"
She pointed to this first one.
"He is Watery."
"Why Watery?" Joe asked her.
"Cause when he was born, a droplet of water fell on his head."
"Hmm"
"This here," she gestured to her daughter, "is Leafy."
"Leafy?" Joe asked her.
"When she was born, a leaf fell on her head."
Suddenly, the 3rd child screamed, "MY FAVORITE COLOR IS POTATO!"
"Shut up Bricky." | 575,609 |
why couldn't the imperial guard sniff out the money trail in skyrim? because of a deviated septim
| 575,610 |
Why don't Pirates get invited to Birthday parties? Because they always steal doubloons | 575,611 |
What is a pirate's favourite letter? Aye. | 575,612 |
What did Einstein text to his friend who he'd see tomorrow? E=MC U L8R | 575,613 |
What's a pirates favorite letter? R, C, I and P are all pretty much equal | 575,614 |
What kind of soda do dogs drink? Barq's Root beer. | 575,615 |
Knock knock Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The Captain. | 575,616 |
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills... A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"
His granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!" | 575,617 |
Why are automatic doors like knights? Because they're chivalrous! | 575,618 |
Yesterday a bird crashed into my window... ..of course that's what I was willing it to do, so everything worked out great. | 575,619 |
The guy who told me I sucked at tennis puns is failing as a comic. Serves him right. | 575,620 |
Insanity? Psychiatric patient attends his appointment with no clothes on, the guy is wrapped in clear plastic. As he enters the psychiatrists office the psychiatrist comments,, " I can see your nuts" | 575,621 |
Request: Original joke about being stuck somewhere Hello people. I am in dire need of a joke about being stuck somewhere. I know it's a broad description, but I am sure most anything will do. Props to it being original. I was hoping to use it in a short film and credit will be given.
Thanks! | 575,622 |
What is a pirates favorite letter? Many think it's R, but his first love be the C. | 575,623 |
How many Africans does it take to change a lightbulb? Five, one to change it, and four to dance around for no fucking reason. | 575,624 |
Beautiful Austria One day, Hitler was sitting on a bench in the alps with some old friends, enjoying the beautiful valley below them.
"Ah, Germany is a wonderful country!", he said.
"But Mein Führer, this is Austria!", said one of the friends.
"Well, NOW it's Austria..." | 575,625 |
Welcome to the BBC. NSFW Welcome to the BBC.
Rape all the children you like, just don't punch a producer. | 575,626 |
Cake day: How many scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Response: I don't know, I'm no scientist. | 575,627 |
A chinese man asks for something in a store... The clerk asks "What do you want?
"One Dulux", the Chinese man replied
"Just one?" asked the clerk
"Yes, just one" the man replied
The clerk handed the man what he had asked for, and then the man left
Minutes later he came back to complain
"What problem do you have, sir?" Asked the clerk
"I never got my paint! I only got this tiny bag!" The chinese man replied
| 575,628 |
What do people wear when they go to a new planet? Terraformal wear. | 575,629 |
Did you know diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans | 575,630 |
3 men go to a strawberry stand... they buy some strawberries.
They get stomach aches from eating the strawberries.
They put on their hats and go off to work with stomach aches | 575,631 |
What's long, green, slimy and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger | 575,632 |
good news, bad news Doctor: I'm afraid I've got good news and bad news
Me: oh dear lord!
Doctor: the bad news is you've only got 1 hour left to live
Me: oh no, that's horrible! what's the good news?
Doctor: I've got a round of golf scheduled with the Mayor in 30 minutes | 575,633 |
What do you get when you cross a onion and a donkey? A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye | 575,634 |
Math teacher teaches his students a shortcut "Is there a shortcut",asked by a student after the teacher showing all the steps of a math problem.
"Yes", the teacher answers,"drive westward and turn left then you will see a McDonald's there." | 575,635 |
So a Baptist a Mormon and atheist are on a space ship flying through the galaxy Suddenly their ship gets caught in the gravitational pull of a supermassive black hole. The Baptist says"Don't worry spaghettification is a myth and God will protect us." The Mormon says "Yes spaghettification is a myth but the spirit of Joseph Smith will protect us." The athiest says "Shut up. Spaghettification is a sound theory and we're all as good as dead." The Baptist was driving the ship sitting at the front so he was the first to undergo the process. Screaming in agony he cries out to God but it's no use. the extreme forces of gravity stretch him to noodle like proportions and he dies. The mormon was the second to pass through , praying to Joseph Smith but it was no use the gravitational forces stretched him to noodle like proportions and he shared the same fate as the Baptist. The Atheist at the back of the ship witnessing the horrible fate of his fellow astronauts screamed in horror but was surprised to find that he passed through the black hole unharmed. Then he realised...
He was already a pastafarian. | 575,636 |
A man comes home from work to the sound of moaning from his wife... ...so he runs upstairs and finds his wife naked in bed. She shouts, "Help, help, I'm having a heart attack!" So the man bolts downstairs and as he reaches the bottom, his son comes up to him. "I saw Uncle Derrick go into Mummy's bedroom with Mum and she started making large groaning noises." So he storms off back upstairs, marches into the wifes bedroom and walks over to the cupboard. he opens it and sees Uncle Derrick huddled in a corner with no clothes on. "Derrick, you've got some explaining to do," the man says to him, "My wife's having a heart attack and all you can do is hide in my closet naked?" | 575,637 |
What do the people at /r/TIFU say when they want proof it actually happened? You better back the fuck up. | 575,638 |
I have proof that my Mom has been cheating on my Dad... I can show you the Xbox messages | 575,639 |
What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table? Gold!
(works better when told - most will interrupt with "Arrrrrrrrrgon!") | 575,640 |
A man saves up to buy a Ferrari He's been saving every dime, every nickel, every dollar he can, and now he finally has enough to buy a brand new Ferrari in one lump sum. For fun, he decides to withdraw the full amount and pay for the car in cash.
He goes to the dealership, goes through all the paperwork, and gives them the money. A few minutes later, the dealer comes out of his office.
"Sir, we have a bit of a problem. You are exactly five cents short of the price."
The man is stunned. "Come on, it's just a nickel!"
"Sorry, but you'll have to pay in full. I can wait if you need to withdraw some money from your account."
"But that's literally all I have right now! Give me a minute..."
He runs outside the dealership and looks around, spying a small cafe next door. An old man sits at a table outside the cafe, sipping a coffee and reading the newspaper. He approaches the old man.
"Excuse me, this might be an odd request," he says, "but can you spare a nickel? I'm trying to buy a Ferrari."
The old man's eyes light up and he starts digging around through his wallet.
"Hang on, I think I got a dime, will you pick one up for me too?!" | 575,641 |
The streets must have been lined with Asians... I ran through all the yellows. | 575,642 |
Why do girls go to the bathroom in groups? Because Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll | 575,643 |
What's a pirates favorite letter? You'd think it's "R" but it's actually the "C". | 575,644 |
Knock knock Who's there.
Nobody.
Nobody who.
(And so concludes this joke from my 3yr old. We think it's pretty good.) | 575,645 |
I'd hate to be stuck behind Satan in the post office... ...for the accursed one takes many forms. | 575,646 |
When Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer, it's called "art" and "music. When I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave Home Depot". | 575,647 |
A man goes to see a wizard and says A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife." | 575,648 |
What causes the worst time for all parties . | 575,649 |
I entered myself into a dick-sucking contest the other night. I blew it. | 575,650 |
What do you call a square that's been beat up? A rekt-tangle | 575,651 |
A 3-year old boy A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied. | 575,652 |
People keep begging me to stop telling old fashioned jokes. Take my wife's pleas.... | 575,653 |
What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? Wipe it off and say you're sorry. | 575,654 |
I like my coffee like I make my women. Hot, and bitter. | 575,655 |
I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me... She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon. | 575,656 |
I've hosted an bukkake party for my girlfriend You should've seen her face | 575,657 |
The roads must have been full of Communists... I kept hitting reds on the way home. | 575,658 |
I wouldn't say I never exercise... Occasionally, my nose runs. | 575,659 |
Stolen Pictures My buddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
"What did you get?" I asked.
"Twenty-six pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over $180,000."
He was crushed when I told him, "Dude, these pictures are from a real estate agent's office!" | 575,660 |
What do you call a rabbit roaming with a pack of lions? One bad ass rabbit. | 575,661 |
Why did the painter from Boston have trouble making friends? He was way too autistic for his own good. | 575,662 |
My mom went to go buy a Christmas tree from the store The man behind the counter said "are you going to put it up yourself?" Mom says "no thats terrible, im going to put it in the family room" | 575,663 |
I heard they were putting Rosa Parks on the new $20 bill The $20 bill will be worth $15 | 575,664 |
Mom, last night when I opened the toilet door, the light went on itself. Idiot, you again peed in the refrigerator! | 575,665 |
A woman goes to her doctor... A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.
How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!" | 575,666 |
My dad walked in while I zoomed in on Street fighter Dad: "Damn son, that girl has some big 'ol titties!"
Me: "Dad.......thats E. Honda"
| 575,667 |
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? Look for the fresh prints. | 575,668 |
What is a Pirate's FAVORITE letter? You'd think it'd be rrrrrrr, but it's the C!! | 575,669 |
Insulting Bus Driver A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'' | 575,670 |
Who names their child Sirhan Sirhan? the CIA | 575,671 |
Jokes What's the best subreddit for dirty jokes? | 575,672 |
A young boy enters a barber shop... A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” | 575,673 |
My dad once told me I would make a great mime... I was speechless. | 575,674 |
Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations? They don't believe in higher powers. | 575,675 |
I was born in the USA... ..some parts imported from China, though. | 575,676 |
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. | 575,677 |
Sexist joke (insulting but funny) What do you call a woman who's lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced! | 575,678 |
The first testicular guard was used in Cricket... The first testicular guard was used in Cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important. | 575,679 |
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word. | 575,681 |
Do you remember that programme about the surfing stuntman? It used to be good but now it's jumped the shark. | 575,682 |
Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters... Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters*
.
.
.
I owe my life to justin.
On march 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash.
One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, So I got up and turned the radio off. | 575,683 |
I thought I could finish this philosophy essay... ...Turns out I Kant. | 575,684 |
There are reports that Kim Jon Un doesn't have a butthole That's because all of his shit comes out of his mouth | 575,685 |
What did the radiographer call her daughter? What did the radiographer call her daughter?
Imogen
| 575,686 |
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