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Tim The Train Expert Long read but worth!
There was this man named Tim and Tim comes from a long line of train conductors. His father was a train conductor and so was his father before him. But as Tim grew up he realized that was not his passion but the pressure from his family to follow in his fathers footsteps was t... | 575,687 |
Today in alternate-dimensional history! Cher was killed today after being involved in a tragic skiing accident in Colorado's Rocky Mountains. Her husband Sonny Bono was quoted as saying
"I totally could have dodged that tree. I'm an expert skier." | 575,688 |
what's black and white and altogether catchy? Ebony and ivory. | 575,689 |
I saw a poor lady... I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she was poor, she only had 60p in her purse. | 575,690 |
My son sounds like a goat when he cries. He's just a little kid. | 575,691 |
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor. | 575,692 |
AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her ... | 575,693 |
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it | 575,694 |
I lost my watch at a party once... turns out some guy was stepping on top of it. He was also sexually harassing my girlfriend. I walked over and punched him straight in the face. No one messes with my girl, not on my watch. | 575,695 |
A guy and his family are on safari... And they're traveling across Africa. they see the Giraffes, in all their majestic awkwardness, and they see the lions, with their intimidating beauty. The family then comes upon a herd of Elephants, and the child notices that one of the baby elephants is standing with his paw in th... | 575,696 |
"Breaking News" The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis" | 575,697 |
I could never fist a girl My hand would always be reaching for a Pringle. | 575,698 |
How do you keep a vegan from eating all your dairy? Invite two of them. | 575,699 |
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense. | 575,700 |
I was asked by a feminist how I viewed lesbian relationships.. "In HD" was NOT the right answer... | 575,701 |
Where does Sean Connery sit? In the toilet. | 575,702 |
Drunk Husband A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swi... | 575,703 |
[NSFW] What do people in Arkansas say after having sex? Get off me pa you're crushing my smokes | 575,704 |
Dream Job My dream job is cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing. | 575,705 |
Why is Batman undefeatable? Because he was coached by Liam Neeson. | 575,706 |
Whats the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man? Refrigerators don't fart when you pull the meat out. | 575,707 |
A pregnant woman during a bank robery [translated from dutch, sorry if anything is translated wrong]
A pregnant woman goes to a bank to collect the money for the ultrasound she is gonna have soon, when all of the sudden the bank gets robbed. 3 armed guys run into the bank shouting everyone to get down. The woman, bein... | 575,708 |
3 rabbits go camping... Foot, foot foot, and foot foot foot. Foot gets sick so foot foot and foot foot foot take foot to the doctor . The doctor says foots going to die. So foot foot and foot foot foot bury foot. So foot foot and foot foot foot go camping. Foot foot gets sick. So foot foot foot takes foot foot to the d... | 575,709 |
What do you call a gay milkman? Dairy Queen | 575,710 |
What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ... | 575,711 |
Why didn't Hitler go to strip clubs? Because he didn't like poles. | 575,712 |
A patient lying in bed hears a knock on the door. "Come in".
A nurse enters, pulls off the blanket, pulls off patients underpants. shaves his pubic area, flips him over, inserts the rectal pill, pulls the blanket back and about to leave. The patient weakly asks "Um, nurse, can I ask you one question? Why did you knoc... | 575,713 |
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back." | 575,714 |
Why cant you trust atoms? Because they make up everything | 575,715 |
Riff on another joke (difference between being hungry and horny) There was a joke recently posted here on the difference between being hungry and horny. Answer: depends where you put the cucumber.
Well, what if you're both hungry AND horny?
Answer: have the cucumber for breakfast and a pickle for lunch... | 575,716 |
For those who get Jewish humor... A kindergarden class is asked to do some drawing. The teacher approaches a 5-year-old girl in the class and asks her what she's drawing.
"I'm drawing God," she says.
The teacher smiles. "But no one knows what God looks like."
"They will in 5 minutes." | 575,717 |
I'm writing a film about a cannibal undead tax exile who plays drums, eats your mother and then is sick. It's a nondomtomtomnomnommomvomromzomcom | 575,718 |
I'm in a band called Arrogant Rat We're like Modest Mouse but way better | 575,719 |
Vegetable Jokes Do you guys want to hear my vegetable jokes?... Never mind. They're way too corny. | 575,720 |
What's the kinkiest leafy green? Collared Greens | 575,721 |
My housemate threw milk on me... how dairy. | 575,722 |
The ghost on the toilet Pit is at his grandparents house, (pit is a boy, like 10 years old?
Grandmother goes to toilet, on the toilet a ghost says: I am the ghost of food and blooood!
Grandmother runs out the toilet while screaming
Granddad goes to toilet, in the toilet the ghost says: I am the ghost of food and blo... | 575,723 |
When is the best time to have an orgy? [SFW] On a Blue Monday. | 575,724 |
What did Peyton Manning said to his younger brother about the new NFL rule? ELI5 (explain me like I am five) | 575,725 |
What did Dave Grohl say when someone stole his Greek food? There goes my gyroooo | 575,726 |
Polish Farmers Two Polish Farmers are talking about how to make more money, and Polish Farmer 1 notes that he is going to start raising Chickens for more income.
When the chickens arrive, Polish Farmer 1 digs 50 holes in a neat row, and buries the chickens up to their necks. He waters them, and within a day, they are... | 575,727 |
A german tourist. A german tourist arrives at Warsaw airport.
The immigration office asks: ‘’Occupation?’’. The german responds: ‘’No, just holiday’' | 575,728 |
Bear Remover A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a sho... | 575,729 |
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids! | 575,730 |
What shoes does Brad wear? Loafers! | 575,731 |
What if Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job getting rid of pests? He would be the ExTerminator. | 575,732 |
Don't joke about 9/11. My father died that day.
I clearly remember what the last words he said to me were.
''Allahu Akbar''
| 575,733 |
I was wondering why my tap water was cloudy... But then it became clear to me. | 575,734 |
McCain to run again at 78 Pretty sure he's gonna walk | 575,735 |
What "YSK" means? Everyone keeps telling me that I should know... | 575,736 |
NSSSA -National Stutter Association. | 575,737 |
The Future generation teens Son : Dad, upgrade our Internet plan, I can't watch HD porn
Dad : When I was your age, I used to masturbate to 3gp videos. | 575,738 |
A prisoner was cleaning the walls in his cell with a flannel... ...when the prisoner in the next cell asked if he can use it. "Sure," the first prisoner said and he gave him it. This struck up a conversation and the first prisoner asked, "So how did you end up in here mate?"
"Well," he replied, "It's a funny story. I ... | 575,740 |
My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Countdown with them "What's that?", I replied, "Dracula's retarded brother?" | 575,742 |
the Cab ride A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York.
A stark naked woman jumped out from behind a bush, opened the back door of the cab and demanded to be taken to the airport.
The cab driver kept looking back at his passenger in the rear view mirror, and she became irritated and said, ... | 575,743 |
Vacation in the alps This is a translation/version of a joke from a Swedish movie. I take no credit in its creation.
A Swedish family of four is on vacation in the Austrian alps. The mother is in a gift-shop when her daughter bursts in.
>- Mom! Mom! Dad's in the hospital with a broken arm, a cracked rib and a broken... | 575,745 |
Vegan ribs are actually delicious! The hardest part is hunting down the vegan. | 575,746 |
The school year is like a burrito... After 3 quarters you're full but you have to keep going even though it's all falling apart. | 575,747 |
What is a pirate's favourite letter? He doesn't have one. He's illiterate. | 575,748 |
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.... and Michael Jackson liked to molest little boys. | 575,749 |
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? -Walking.
-JK, Rowling | 575,750 |
In my class today a feminist announced "I don't think anything is gender based." I replied "Not true, genitalia is gender based." Checkmate. | 575,751 |
WoW Related* Frost mage Made this up a few years ago. Was in a few AUS guilds but not sure my joke really spread. Anyway here it is.
Why don't you fight a Kiwi Frost Mage?
Cause once he sheeps you, you're fucked.
| 575,752 |
I don't care if a human is male or female, Black or white, European, American, or Asian, they all taste the same. | 575,753 |
How do you eat an elephant? Poached | 575,754 |
Two hunters are in the woods... Two hunters were in the woods, when one collapsed. He didn't seem to be breathing. The other called the emergency number and said, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." After a second of silence on the hunter's e... | 575,755 |
What did one priest say to the other priest? "Do you know where my son is?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I'm a necrophiliac." | 575,756 |
While scrolling the front page I saw the most annoying thread ever It was coming out of the sweater I was wearing. That was my favorite sweater. | 575,757 |
A scholar and the village drunkard gets into a friendly competition of who's smarter... The people gather at the field outside of the village waiting for the showdown to take place.
The scholar says, "The rules are simple, we both will communicate each other without using words. Once one person cannot interpret the o... | 575,758 |
A feminist told me I really need to take a Women's Studies class. I told her "There is no way I'm going to spend a semester studying a broad." | 575,759 |
I have decided to open a bakery store. So that I can make dough by making dough. | 575,760 |
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? They're really good at it. | 575,761 |
A one word joke "Lithp" | 575,762 |
Boobs My wife has eczema all over her chest.
She's got a cracking pair of boobs. | 575,763 |
I stopped a chicken from committing suicide! But then I got hungry. | 575,764 |
Saw HBO were going to be making a new TV show set in an airport... They had to cancel it though as the pilot didn't take off. | 575,765 |
If I had a dollar for every dollar I had... I would be a counterfeiter. | 575,766 |
Two redditors walk into a bar First said: "I will take one up"
Second took a pen and paper, wrote a few words and left.
First one looked confused. He reached to the paper and found written "/r/dadjokes" | 575,767 |
Why did Jesus take three days to resurrect after dying on the cross? Because the date wasn't nailed down. | 575,768 |
How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish? Clickbait. | 575,769 |
I said to my girlfriend, " Please get me a newspaper. " I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what fucking hit it. | 575,770 |
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar ... | 575,771 |
In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air? God damn inflation. | 575,772 |
[NSFW] I was going to tell a joke about anal sex... ...butt fuck it! | 575,773 |
Dad : Hey son, do you wanna hear a joke? Son : Sure!
Dad : Sex
Son : I don't get it..
Dad : And you never will
| 575,774 |
Whats green, has six legs and if it falls from a tree it will kill you? A snooker table | 575,775 |
Police officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I'm just as
confused as you are. | 575,776 |
logician joke (hard to get) 3 logicians walk into a bar. The blonde bartender smiles and says with a mock sigh,
'Hmmm.. Logicians again. I think you're all cute, but you're not ALL going to try to pick me up, are you?'
The first logician says: 'I don't know - maybe?' and looks at the other two.
The second logician ... | 575,777 |
An impotent man... ... named his dick Magikarp. Because it's useless and can only splash. | 575,778 |
Why should a woman President never masturbate? Reports that she has her finger on The Button would cause panic. | 575,779 |
I just got a haircut, but I'm not sure I like it. When I stood up from the barber's chair, I felt extremely lightheaded. | 575,780 |
One of the oldest jokes I know from my childhood [Translated from dutch, so there might be some spelling errors]
A man walks in a bar and sees a big jar with money. He asks the barkeeper "what is the jar for?". The barkeeper says "If you put 5 dollar in the jar, I will give you three challenges, if you complete all th... | 575,781 |
DUMB DRUNK A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!"
So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your... | 575,782 |
"How dare you judge her size..." "The woman has had three children!"
"For lunch?" | 575,783 |
How do you hide an elephant up a cheery tree? Put it in the tree and paint it's balls red.
What's the loudest noise in the world?
A giraffe eating cherries
Edit: not a cheery tree...cherry | 575,784 |
I had this weird dream yesterday... I had this weird dream yesterday. It started off pretty cool; I saw a clone of me walk by. By the way, when I say "clone", I mean my EXACT copy. So I decided to follow him for a bit. Then, I saw another clone walk by. And another. And another. It looked like everybody was me!
Turn... | 575,785 |
What's red, white and blue? Autoerotic Asphyxiation | 575,786 |
What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike? The asphalt. | 575,787 |
A cow climbs a coconut tree.. A cow climbs a coconut tree.
Coconut Tree: "Hey cow, what the hell are you doing?"
Cow: "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo\*cough* \*cough*.. Sorry about that."
Cow: "Anyways I'm climbing a coconut tree."
Coconut Tree (Slightly annoyed): "I can see that.. but why?"
Cow glares at the coconut tree wi... | 575,788 |
What do you call a fish with no "eyes"? Fsh | 575,789 |
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