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Tim The Train Expert Long read but worth!
There was this man named Tim and Tim comes from a long line of train conductors. His father was a train conductor and so was his father before him. But as Tim grew up he realized that was not his passion but the pressure from his family to follow in his fathers footsteps was too great, so after Tim graduated high school he enrolled in training in hopes to be hired at a train station. After a few years of going through this training school and failing many attempts, Tim finally passed and got his credentials. He was hired right off the bat at a successful train station as a train conductor. Of course since Tim was so bad at his job he did not do very well. The first train he is on crashes and kills 19 people due to his incompetence. He was fired and charges were brought up against him. Tim, living in like Russia or somewhere, was sentenced to death the next day. But before they kill him, they asked what he wanted from his last meal. Since Tim obviously did not want to die this way he thought of a clever way to stall his execution by asking for an outrageous last meal. He asked for a specific ancient chinese rice recipe only obtainable from a vendor in China, sacred beef from a cow in India, and a blue apple from Nigeria. The Russian government, although upset about it, jumped on this list as fast as they could because they really wanted to execute this guy that killed 19 people! So the Russian diplomats went off to China and found a very old Chinese man and asked for his family’s ancient chinese rice recipe, and of course the Chinese man would never give it up to these foreigners and he was even offended by their asking for it and felt it would bring shame to his family. The Russian diplomats offered the Chinese man $5,000 and he immediately accepted the offer. Then the Russian diplomats went off to India to grab some sacred beef from a cow. The Hindus are disgusted that they want to kill one of their sacred cows to give to a criminal and they want to imprison the Russian trespassers, but then the Russians offered them $5,000 as well, and they accepted it immediately too. Now finally the Russians are off to Nigeria for the blue apple and the same deal happens. The Russians want Tim dead so bad that they offered the same deal to the Nigerians, $5000 for the blue apple. They accept and now the Russians are off back to the prison to kill Tim, he eats his last meal as slow as he could and when he finished they hooked up to the chair. They pull the lever and shock him, but Tim doesn’t die. The Russians are confused and they believe its an act of God so they release him. Now that Tim is out of prison he needs to get a job and since he really only knows how to be in one line of work, he goes back to get a job at another train station and a train conductor. Tim is a creature of repetition and so on his first train, it crashes again and killed 36 people this time due to his mistakes. The Russian government seriously wants this guy dead so they put him back onto death row and ask him what he wanted to his 2nd last meal. Tim still didn’t want to die so he asked for the same meal again! Although reluctant the Russian diplomats are off again and start by going to China and see the old man again, but to their surprise he wasn’t there, and in his place was a significantly younger Chinese man. The Russians approach him and asked where was the old man. The rice vendor informs them that was his father that passed away after he sold them his rice and now he is in charge of his shop. The Russians ask him if they can have some of the rice for their prisoner and the young chinese man curses them out saying that they are the reason his father died and he would never give them his rice. The Russians offer him $10,000 and he accepted it without thought. Now onto the quest for beef. The Russians go back to India and asked the Monks to give them more beef. When asked, the Monks tell the Russians that they made the Gods very angry at them so this time they would have to do a sacred dancing ritual to honor and sacrifice the cow. After days of learning the dance and meditating the Russians leave with their beef and go on back to Nigeria. This time they did not want to offer any money to the Nigerians so the Russians simply stole the apple. They brought all the supplies back to the prison in Russia and gave them to Tim. He eats and enjoys then is put back into the chair. The Russians being afraid of another act from God shock him anyways and sure enough the shock to his head doesn’t kill him so they release him. Now Tim is out and is unemployed because no one will hire this idiot, but his father was able to convince his boss to hire him as another train conductor. Of course his first train crashes again and killed 59 people! Tim is now used to being on death row tries to think of another last meal he can request to stall for even longer. He asked again for the rice and the beef, but instead of the blue apple, he wants a giant mango from Australia. The Russian Diplomats are off once more, but this time they aren’t dealing with shit. They go to China and murdered the vendor and stole the rice. They go to India and murdered all the Monks and stole the cows. They go to Australia and shake down a giant mango that crushes and kills their outback guide. They hurry back to the prison shove the food down Tim’s throat and strap him to the chair. The Russians highly doubt that the third time will go wrong. They pull the lever and nothing happens! They pull it twice! Three times! Nothing! They finally ask Tim, “WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!”, Tim has a puzzled look on his face and responds, “I do not know.. I guess I’m just a bad conductor”. | 575,687 |
Today in alternate-dimensional history! Cher was killed today after being involved in a tragic skiing accident in Colorado's Rocky Mountains. Her husband Sonny Bono was quoted as saying
"I totally could have dodged that tree. I'm an expert skier." | 575,688 |
what's black and white and altogether catchy? Ebony and ivory. | 575,689 |
I saw a poor lady... I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she was poor, she only had 60p in her purse. | 575,690 |
My son sounds like a goat when he cries. He's just a little kid. | 575,691 |
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor. | 575,692 |
AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so
you may as well tell me now.
'Was it Maria Minetti?'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her..'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
Joey Pagano, I admire your zipped lip,
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides
over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
4 months vacation and five good leads. | 575,693 |
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it | 575,694 |
I lost my watch at a party once... turns out some guy was stepping on top of it. He was also sexually harassing my girlfriend. I walked over and punched him straight in the face. No one messes with my girl, not on my watch. | 575,695 |
A guy and his family are on safari... And they're traveling across Africa. they see the Giraffes, in all their majestic awkwardness, and they see the lions, with their intimidating beauty. The family then comes upon a herd of Elephants, and the child notices that one of the baby elephants is standing with his paw in the air, like he's injured. Without thinking, the kid jumps out of the Jeep, and runs up to the elephant. Turns out theres a large stick wedged in his paw. The young child pulls the stick out, and the elephant wraps him up in his trunk, lifts him waaaaaay up in the air, and lets out a big elephant roar, and puts him down.
Fast forward a few years, and the kid has grown up and has a family of his own, as kids tend to do. One day he decides to take his family to the zoo, and they see the polar bears, all pent up and sad looking. And they see the Tigers, looking terrifying as shit, and they finally come to the elephant enclosure. The father is pointing out the elephant tusks and whatnot, when he notices something, a familiar face if you will. without thinking about it, he jumps over the fence, and races up to this one full grown elephant. He stands face-to-face with the elephant, and touches his paw. The elephant wraps him up in his trunk, lifts him waaaaay up into the air, and lets out a mighty elephant roar... then tramples the guy to death. So I guess it wasn't the same elephant. | 575,696 |
"Breaking News" The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis" | 575,697 |
I could never fist a girl My hand would always be reaching for a Pringle. | 575,698 |
How do you keep a vegan from eating all your dairy? Invite two of them. | 575,699 |
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense. | 575,700 |
I was asked by a feminist how I viewed lesbian relationships.. "In HD" was NOT the right answer... | 575,701 |
Where does Sean Connery sit? In the toilet. | 575,702 |
Drunk Husband A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes
to bed in his drunken stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much it helps to keep your mouth shut?" | 575,703 |
[NSFW] What do people in Arkansas say after having sex? Get off me pa you're crushing my smokes | 575,704 |
Dream Job My dream job is cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing. | 575,705 |
Why is Batman undefeatable? Because he was coached by Liam Neeson. | 575,706 |
Whats the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man? Refrigerators don't fart when you pull the meat out. | 575,707 |
A pregnant woman during a bank robery [translated from dutch, sorry if anything is translated wrong]
A pregnant woman goes to a bank to collect the money for the ultrasound she is gonna have soon, when all of the sudden the bank gets robbed. 3 armed guys run into the bank shouting everyone to get down. The woman, being pregnant, can't get down that easy. One of the armed guys panics and thinks she is resisting, so he shoots her and hits her multiple times in her belly. Thankfully, the woman survives, and she gets rushed to the hospital. After everything seems fine, the doctors decide she should have her ultrasound. The doctor see's that she is gonna give birth to 3 children 2 girls and 1 boy, BUT, they all have been hit by a bullet. However, the doctor thinks that it'll be fine and at some point of their lives, the bullets will come out.
So, a few years later, one of the girls comes crying to her mother "Mommy, I just peed and when I wanted to flush the toilet, there was a bullet in the water" so her mom calms her down and explains the Bank robbery story. After this the girl is calmed down but still a bit worried. A few weeks later, the other girl comes running and crying to her mom. Before she can even speak, her mom says "let me guess, you went to the toilet and found a bullet?" "yes mommy, how do you know?" and to her, the mom too explains the armed robbery story. But then a few months later the boy comes crying to his mom, so before he can speak she says "let me guess, you were doing some business in the toilet when there was a bullet inside of it?" "NO" the boy replies, "I was jerking off and all of the sudden I shot our dog"
EDIT: Changed echo to ultrasound | 575,708 |
3 rabbits go camping... Foot, foot foot, and foot foot foot. Foot gets sick so foot foot and foot foot foot take foot to the doctor . The doctor says foots going to die. So foot foot and foot foot foot bury foot. So foot foot and foot foot foot go camping. Foot foot gets sick. So foot foot foot takes foot foot to the doctor. The doctor says foot foots going to die. Foot foot foot says foot foot can't die, we already have one foot in the grave. | 575,709 |
What do you call a gay milkman? Dairy Queen | 575,710 |
What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ... | 575,711 |
Why didn't Hitler go to strip clubs? Because he didn't like poles. | 575,712 |
A patient lying in bed hears a knock on the door. "Come in".
A nurse enters, pulls off the blanket, pulls off patients underpants. shaves his pubic area, flips him over, inserts the rectal pill, pulls the blanket back and about to leave. The patient weakly asks "Um, nurse, can I ask you one question? Why did you knock?"
| 575,713 |
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back." | 575,714 |
Why cant you trust atoms? Because they make up everything | 575,715 |
Riff on another joke (difference between being hungry and horny) There was a joke recently posted here on the difference between being hungry and horny. Answer: depends where you put the cucumber.
Well, what if you're both hungry AND horny?
Answer: have the cucumber for breakfast and a pickle for lunch... | 575,716 |
For those who get Jewish humor... A kindergarden class is asked to do some drawing. The teacher approaches a 5-year-old girl in the class and asks her what she's drawing.
"I'm drawing God," she says.
The teacher smiles. "But no one knows what God looks like."
"They will in 5 minutes." | 575,717 |
I'm writing a film about a cannibal undead tax exile who plays drums, eats your mother and then is sick. It's a nondomtomtomnomnommomvomromzomcom | 575,718 |
I'm in a band called Arrogant Rat We're like Modest Mouse but way better | 575,719 |
Vegetable Jokes Do you guys want to hear my vegetable jokes?... Never mind. They're way too corny. | 575,720 |
What's the kinkiest leafy green? Collared Greens | 575,721 |
My housemate threw milk on me... how dairy. | 575,722 |
The ghost on the toilet Pit is at his grandparents house, (pit is a boy, like 10 years old?
Grandmother goes to toilet, on the toilet a ghost says: I am the ghost of food and blooood!
Grandmother runs out the toilet while screaming
Granddad goes to toilet, in the toilet the ghost says: I am the ghost of food and bloood!
Granddad runs out the toilet while screaming.
Pit goes to the toilet, the ghosts says: I am the ghost of food and blooood!, Pit replys with: "And i am Pit who is taking a shit"!
Sorry for bad grammar, english is not my native language | 575,723 |
When is the best time to have an orgy? [SFW] On a Blue Monday. | 575,724 |
What did Peyton Manning said to his younger brother about the new NFL rule? ELI5 (explain me like I am five) | 575,725 |
What did Dave Grohl say when someone stole his Greek food? There goes my gyroooo | 575,726 |
Polish Farmers Two Polish Farmers are talking about how to make more money, and Polish Farmer 1 notes that he is going to start raising Chickens for more income.
When the chickens arrive, Polish Farmer 1 digs 50 holes in a neat row, and buries the chickens up to their necks. He waters them, and within a day, they are all dead.
He asks Polish Farmer 2 what he did wrong? Polish Farmer 2 looks at the dead chickens, and says, "you planted them wrong."
So, Polish Farmer 1 buys more chickens, digs more holes, and this time, plants them head first into the soil, buries them, and waters them. Within a day, all the chickens are dead.
Polish Farmer 1 talks with Polish Farmer 2 and says, "how is this wrong, no one else has dead chickens?" Farmer 2 says, "Lets call Krakow University, they have an agriculture school, they will know how to fix this".
So they call the school, and tell them everything they have done, planting chickens by the feet, planting chickens by the head, all dead chickens. There is a LONG pause. And finally, the university replies:
"We're going to need a soil sample" | 575,727 |
A german tourist. A german tourist arrives at Warsaw airport.
The immigration office asks: ‘’Occupation?’’. The german responds: ‘’No, just holiday’' | 575,728 |
Bear Remover A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." | 575,729 |
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids! | 575,730 |
What shoes does Brad wear? Loafers! | 575,731 |
What if Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job getting rid of pests? He would be the ExTerminator. | 575,732 |
Don't joke about 9/11. My father died that day.
I clearly remember what the last words he said to me were.
''Allahu Akbar''
| 575,733 |
I was wondering why my tap water was cloudy... But then it became clear to me. | 575,734 |
McCain to run again at 78 Pretty sure he's gonna walk | 575,735 |
What "YSK" means? Everyone keeps telling me that I should know... | 575,736 |
NSSSA -National Stutter Association. | 575,737 |
The Future generation teens Son : Dad, upgrade our Internet plan, I can't watch HD porn
Dad : When I was your age, I used to masturbate to 3gp videos. | 575,738 |
A prisoner was cleaning the walls in his cell with a flannel... ...when the prisoner in the next cell asked if he can use it. "Sure," the first prisoner said and he gave him it. This struck up a conversation and the first prisoner asked, "So how did you end up in here mate?"
"Well," he replied, "It's a funny story. I was low on cash and saw a guy walking down the street and mugged him. Stole his money and everything. The sad thing is though, he only had two pence, so basically I'm in here for stealing two pence."
"Wow," the first prisoner responded, "that's exactly the same reason why I'm in here as well."
A third prisoner leaned out of his cell, "Hey mate, can you pass me that flannel? My cell wall is dirty." The second prisoner handed him the flannel and asked him how he got inside. "Stole two pence from this man," he responded.
When the third prisoner had finished, he handed the flannel back to the first prisoner and when he looked at it he saw that it was all black, dirty and could never be used again.
I suppose the moral to this story is: twopenny crooks spoil the cloth. | 575,740 |
My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Countdown with them "What's that?", I replied, "Dracula's retarded brother?" | 575,742 |
the Cab ride A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York.
A stark naked woman jumped out from behind a bush, opened the back door of the cab and demanded to be taken to the airport.
The cab driver kept looking back at his passenger in the rear view mirror, and she became irritated and said, "Why do you keep staring at me?"
The cab driver replied, "Well, you don't have any clothes on and no place to carry any money and I am wondering how you are going to pay your fare?"
The woman opened her legs and pointed to her crotch and said, "How about me paying with this?"
The cab driver looked back at the woman and said, "Do you have anything smaller?" | 575,743 |
Vacation in the alps This is a translation/version of a joke from a Swedish movie. I take no credit in its creation.
A Swedish family of four is on vacation in the Austrian alps. The mother is in a gift-shop when her daughter bursts in.
>- Mom! Mom! Dad's in the hospital with a broken arm, a cracked rib and a broken nose!
>- What!? Did he hurt himself while skiing again?
>- No ... He got into an argument with a German who cut in line to the ski lift.
>- What happened?
>- Well, at first, he called the German "Liftwaffe". And then he said he couldn't believe anyone would be that cocky after losing two world wars.
>- Wait a minute ... Did dad really say all that in German?
>- No ... I translated it for him! | 575,745 |
Vegan ribs are actually delicious! The hardest part is hunting down the vegan. | 575,746 |
The school year is like a burrito... After 3 quarters you're full but you have to keep going even though it's all falling apart. | 575,747 |
What is a pirate's favourite letter? He doesn't have one. He's illiterate. | 575,748 |
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.... and Michael Jackson liked to molest little boys. | 575,749 |
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? -Walking.
-JK, Rowling | 575,750 |
In my class today a feminist announced "I don't think anything is gender based." I replied "Not true, genitalia is gender based." Checkmate. | 575,751 |
WoW Related* Frost mage Made this up a few years ago. Was in a few AUS guilds but not sure my joke really spread. Anyway here it is.
Why don't you fight a Kiwi Frost Mage?
Cause once he sheeps you, you're fucked.
| 575,752 |
I don't care if a human is male or female, Black or white, European, American, or Asian, they all taste the same. | 575,753 |
How do you eat an elephant? Poached | 575,754 |
Two hunters are in the woods... Two hunters were in the woods, when one collapsed. He didn't seem to be breathing. The other called the emergency number and said, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." After a second of silence on the hunter's end, the operator heard a gunshot. The hunter came back on the phone and said, ""OK, now what?" | 575,755 |
What did one priest say to the other priest? "Do you know where my son is?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I'm a necrophiliac." | 575,756 |
While scrolling the front page I saw the most annoying thread ever It was coming out of the sweater I was wearing. That was my favorite sweater. | 575,757 |
A scholar and the village drunkard gets into a friendly competition of who's smarter... The people gather at the field outside of the village waiting for the showdown to take place.
The scholar says, "The rules are simple, we both will communicate each other without using words. Once one person cannot interpret the other, he loses."
The two met in face to face while others watch.
The scholar says, "I'll start."
He raises 1 finger in front of the drunkard's face. The drunkard retaliates by raising two fingers (like a peace sign).
The scholar raises a fist in front of the drunkard's face. The drunkard raises a fist and put his other palm under the elbow, whilst shaking the fist.
The scholar gives him an 'ok' sign (creating a circle with index finger and thumb). The drunkard put his palms together like a prayer and raises it in the air while letting the palms separate.
The scholar looks at him confused not knowing what to do. After muttering "Whaaaat? What?" under his breath, he turns to everyone and says, I admit defeat. And slowly turn to walk away.
The villagers ran to the scholar saying, "What happened? What happened? What did he say to you?"
The scholar replied, "I started by saying Unity" and he said, "Diversity". Then I said, "Power". And he said, "Absolute POWER". Then I said, "World Domniation. An.. and... I don't know. I don't know what he meant by that." Saddened and ashamed he walked away.
All the villagers now ran to the drunkard asking, "What happened? You won. What did he say to you?"
The drunkard says, "I don't know man. This fucking queer comes to me and tell me that he wants to stick ONE finger up my ass. Hell no, I told him I'm gonna stick TWO fingers up his ass. He has the balls to tell me that he's gonna shove his FIST up my ass? I told him I'm gonna shove my whole FOREARM in his ass. He told me that my asshole is too small. I told him I'll make it BIG!"
-The End
P.S: Its my first post guys. This joke is better delivered than read IMO. I hope ya'll enjoy. | 575,758 |
A feminist told me I really need to take a Women's Studies class. I told her "There is no way I'm going to spend a semester studying a broad." | 575,759 |
I have decided to open a bakery store. So that I can make dough by making dough. | 575,760 |
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? They're really good at it. | 575,761 |
A one word joke "Lithp" | 575,762 |
Boobs My wife has eczema all over her chest.
She's got a cracking pair of boobs. | 575,763 |
I stopped a chicken from committing suicide! But then I got hungry. | 575,764 |
Saw HBO were going to be making a new TV show set in an airport... They had to cancel it though as the pilot didn't take off. | 575,765 |
If I had a dollar for every dollar I had... I would be a counterfeiter. | 575,766 |
Two redditors walk into a bar First said: "I will take one up"
Second took a pen and paper, wrote a few words and left.
First one looked confused. He reached to the paper and found written "/r/dadjokes" | 575,767 |
Why did Jesus take three days to resurrect after dying on the cross? Because the date wasn't nailed down. | 575,768 |
How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish? Clickbait. | 575,769 |
I said to my girlfriend, " Please get me a newspaper. " I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what fucking hit it. | 575,770 |
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living." | 575,771 |
In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air? God damn inflation. | 575,772 |
[NSFW] I was going to tell a joke about anal sex... ...butt fuck it! | 575,773 |
Dad : Hey son, do you wanna hear a joke? Son : Sure!
Dad : Sex
Son : I don't get it..
Dad : And you never will
| 575,774 |
Whats green, has six legs and if it falls from a tree it will kill you? A snooker table | 575,775 |
Police officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I'm just as
confused as you are. | 575,776 |
logician joke (hard to get) 3 logicians walk into a bar. The blonde bartender smiles and says with a mock sigh,
'Hmmm.. Logicians again. I think you're all cute, but you're not ALL going to try to pick me up, are you?'
The first logician says: 'I don't know - maybe?' and looks at the other two.
The second logician says, 'I don't know - maybe?' and looks at the third one.
The third logician says, 'Well, looks like we are!' and orders four beers." | 575,777 |
An impotent man... ... named his dick Magikarp. Because it's useless and can only splash. | 575,778 |
Why should a woman President never masturbate? Reports that she has her finger on The Button would cause panic. | 575,779 |
I just got a haircut, but I'm not sure I like it. When I stood up from the barber's chair, I felt extremely lightheaded. | 575,780 |
One of the oldest jokes I know from my childhood [Translated from dutch, so there might be some spelling errors]
A man walks in a bar and sees a big jar with money. He asks the barkeeper "what is the jar for?". The barkeeper says "If you put 5 dollar in the jar, I will give you three challenges, if you complete all three challenges you will get the entire jar!". The man is a bit courageous so he puts 5 dollars in the jar. The barkeeper says "great, these are the three challenges; first you have to chug this entire bottle of wodka, if you move a muscle or can't keep it in you lose. If you've done that, you've to pull a tooth from a big bulldog with a toothache outside. And your last challenge is to have sex with the old lady upstairs. She is old and has never had sex in her entire life so you have to give her that pleasure."
So the man takes the bottle of wodka and chugs the entire bottle as if it's water. After that the man is pretty drunk and stumbles outside to the bulldog. The barkeeper hears a lot of noise and a lot of barking and yapping. After 5 minutes the man walks back in and says "I've done it, now where is that old lady with the toothache?". | 575,781 |
DUMB DRUNK A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!"
So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"
He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill." | 575,782 |
"How dare you judge her size..." "The woman has had three children!"
"For lunch?" | 575,783 |
How do you hide an elephant up a cheery tree? Put it in the tree and paint it's balls red.
What's the loudest noise in the world?
A giraffe eating cherries
Edit: not a cheery tree...cherry | 575,784 |
I had this weird dream yesterday... I had this weird dream yesterday. It started off pretty cool; I saw a clone of me walk by. By the way, when I say "clone", I mean my EXACT copy. So I decided to follow him for a bit. Then, I saw another clone walk by. And another. And another. It looked like everybody was me!
Turns out I was just in China. | 575,785 |
What's red, white and blue? Autoerotic Asphyxiation | 575,786 |
What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike? The asphalt. | 575,787 |
A cow climbs a coconut tree.. A cow climbs a coconut tree.
Coconut Tree: "Hey cow, what the hell are you doing?"
Cow: "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo\*cough* \*cough*.. Sorry about that."
Cow: "Anyways I'm climbing a coconut tree."
Coconut Tree (Slightly annoyed): "I can see that.. but why?"
Cow glares at the coconut tree with a puzzled look.
Cow: "Why I came to eat apples of course."
Coconut Tree: "But cow... I'm a coconut tree..."
Cow: "It's ok, I brought some from home."
| 575,788 |
What do you call a fish with no "eyes"? Fsh | 575,789 |
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