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Teacher: * Draws crappy heart on board* "Class, do you know what this is?" Teacher: * Draws crappy heart on board* "Class, do you know what this is?"
Student 1: I think it's an ass."
Student 2: " Yeah, it's an ass."
Teacher: "No! Where do you guys know this? I'm calling the Principal!"
Principal: "Alright guys, why are you messing with the teacher?"
Class: "Us? We're not messing with her."
Principal: Then who drew the ass on the board?"
Teacher: -_- | 575,790 |
Which phone is most sold in Australia? The htc M8.
Oi mate | 575,791 |
Did you know that Pringles were originally used as a laxative, for medicinal purposes? Their original slogan was: "Once you poop, you just can't stop." | 575,792 |
A PROBLEMIC POLEMIC Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who knows why the heck they do anything? | 575,793 |
How could the pimp always easily locate his ho? Because, she really stands out on the street. | 575,794 |
Why are cars faster than motorcycles? Because motorcycles are two tired. | 575,795 |
How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it. | 575,796 |
What would you call Geralt of rivia if he had a sex change? The switcher | 575,797 |
Jokes i need your help I'm on a road trip with a co-worker who hates corny, punny, cheesy and one liner type jokes. I love telling him those sorts of jokes trying to get him to laugh.
I had an idea. If you fine people hit me with some of your favorites, I'll spend the next two days telling him jokes and tell you which ones made him laugh. Please? It would make me laugh just trying. | 575,798 |
What's the difference between Rob Ford and an Ethiopian child? Rob Ford has more than enough to eat at home. | 575,799 |
The Wise Monk & the Student * Student : O holy one, you called me?
* Monk : Yes, I need you to go behind that tree and masturbate.
* Student : (After a few minutes) Done. Anything else that you'd like me to do?
* Monk : Do it again.
* Student : (After a few minutes) It is done, O wise one. Anything else?
* Monk : Do it once more.
* Student : I'm sorry, but I don't think I have any stamina left in me. I can't do it anymore.
* Monk : Good, I need you to drop my wife and daughter off at the beach. | 575,800 |
What do you get if cross seasonings and movie title? The Cumin Centipede! | 575,801 |
I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for HIV... He said 'Just calm down and try to think positive.' | 575,802 |
MASTER PIECE COMEDY Husband & his wife went for Divorce at court.
Judge : U have 3 kids...How will u divide them?
They had long discussion with his wife & said " Ok, sir We will come next year with 1 more"
Joke doesn't end here....
9 months later....They got twins@😛 | 575,803 |
Watson was incredibly horny.... Watson was incredibly horny and had a fetish for intelligence.
So he tells Sherlock this joke and "blows" his mind. | 575,804 |
Popular German "joke" in Belgium Ask a german guy:
Q: Haben sie etwas verloren? (Did you lose something?)
A: "confused" Nein. (No)
Q: Jawohl, den krieg, zweimal! (Yes you did, the war. Twice!)
Proceed to buy him a drink :) | 575,805 |
[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom. Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!
The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure." | 575,806 |
[Original] What do you call it when two Cox company vehicles pull into your driveway? Double penetration. | 575,807 |
So, Apparently 'Human Centipede' Is Getting ANOTHER Sequel. 'Human Turducken' | 575,808 |
INDIAN BRAIN vs JAPANESE BRAIN - By Dr Somdutt Prasad In Japan, in a soap manufacturing company the soap blocks were made,
then wrapped in a wrapping paper automatically on an assembly conveyer belt
and finally packed in cartons...
Many a times it happened that the wrapping machine wrapped the paper without soap. i.e. you had an empty packet without soap.
To rectify this problem the Japanese company bought a X-ray scanner from the US for $60,000 to check on the assembly line whether the container contained soap and wasn't empty.
A similar problem happened at Nirma soaps, in Ahmedabad in INDIA.. Guess what they did????
They bought a bajaj fan costing around Rs.1500/- and placed it on the edge of the assembly line.
The empty wrappers, without soaps just blew away!!!
And You Say Japanese are Advanced in Technology.
We are
INCREDIBLY
BRILLIANT INDIAN BRAINS
Share it
Dont laugh alone | 575,809 |
What has 7 arms and sucks? Def leppard | 575,810 |
What is a Japanese favourite beverage that they don't remember? "Affogato" | 575,811 |
what do u call a native guy with one leg not even | 575,812 |
Moses returns from Mt. Sinai... Moses trudges from Mt. Sinai, tablets in hand, and announces to the assembled multitudes: "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to 10. The bad news is that 'adultery' is still in."
| 575,813 |
A mother walks in on his son playing video games after school. A mother walks in on her son playing video games after school. Frustrated that he was playing games instead of doing his homework she says, "Do you know who Issac Newton is?". The son, without taking his eyes off the TV screen replies, "No, who is he?" and without missing a beat the mother smirks and says, "If you actually paid attention in school you would know!" "Oh, well, do you know who Angela Smith is?". The mother a little taken back replies, "No, I don't, who is she?". The boy smirks and without also missing a beat goes, "Well if you actually paid attention to dad you would know!" | 575,814 |
Two guys and a snake .... This is a true story.
Two good friends, Jerry and Ralph, were out walking in the desert one day when Jerry goes off behind a cactus to take a leak. While he's draining his bladder a snake leaps up and bites him on the end of his dick. Ralph on hearing Jerry's scream runs over and says, "What happened?"
Jerry, who's starting to feel some numbness creeping up along his member explains that a snake bit him on the end of his dick.
"What kind of snake?", Ralph inquires.
"I don't know, spotted ... with flecks of orange, red on it .... fuck, does it matter? Just call a doctor and hurry. I feel like shit."
So Ralph moves off and pulls out his cell and calls his doctor explaining the situation.
The doctor asks, "Did you get a good look at the snake?"
Ralph repeats what Jerry said to which the doctor replied, "Oh my, that's a very poisonous snake. You have to get the venom out as quickly as possible or your friend will die."
"How do I do that?" asked Ralph.
"You're going to have to suck it out with your mouth", the doctor instructed.
"Okay, okay. Thanks Doc", Ralph responds as he quickly hangs up and runs over to his friend Jerry.
Jerry has deteriorated quite a bit by now and is starting to sweat and shake uncontrollably. He sees Ralph running up and in a weakened, anxious voice asks "So? What did the doctor say?"
Ralph looks at his friend and replies "He said you're gonna die."
(A variation on an oldie but goldie joke) | 575,815 |
Why did the old man throw the matress out the window? Dementia | 575,816 |
Pedophilia is wrong. It's Paedophilia. | 575,817 |
Whats the difference between Jesus and his photo? It takes only one nail to hang the photo | 575,818 |
What's the difference between someone who doesn't use their turn signal and Hitler? You know Hitler will turn Reich. | 575,819 |
A scientific joke Q: Why are Curium, Helium, and Barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't Curium or Helium them, you Barium! | 575,820 |
First day at the mental hospital It was a doctor's first day at the mental hospital. One of the other doctors was showing him around and decided to bring him in to see three of the patients. They walked into the first room and there was a man pretending to swing a baseball bat. The new doctor asked him what he was doing.
"I'm babe Ruth. If I hit four home runs, I'm getting out of here"
The doctors write down notes and move on to the next room. There's a man pretending to swing a golf club. The new doctor asked him what he was doing.
"I'm Tiger Woods. If I win the masters today, I'm getting out of here"
The doctors take notes and move on to the third room. They walk in to find a man holding almonds and cashews, masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" The doctor asked.
"I'm fucking nuts. And I'm never getting out of here." | 575,821 |
I just got accepted to film school I just got accepted to film school and now everyone I tell that to always asks me the same question "What kind of movies do you want to make?" Finally I just started answering "Psychological horror." that tends to make them walk away. :)
I'm a 19 year old girl. | 575,822 |
If farmer A sells apples and farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell? Medicine. | 575,823 |
Girls in Thailand are like a box of chocolates Some of them have nuts | 575,824 |
What does a selfie stick and a tampon have in common? Both have a cunt at the end of them | 575,825 |
My friend and I were finally able to laugh off how competitive we are with each other. But I laughed harder. | 575,826 |
What would Hitler say to his son? Look, I am your Fuhrer | 575,827 |
When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris. | 575,828 |
I like how you're thinking A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!" | 575,829 |
A guy who won free buffets for life committed suicide the other day I guess he had a lot on his plate. | 575,830 |
A man goes to the confess his latest sin... "Forgive me father, for I have sinned" says the man.
"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"So THIS is when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest. | 575,831 |
What does your momma and a hockey player have in common? They both change their pads after three periods. | 575,832 |
Urgent!!!! hey! I’m sending this message via internet explorer so it might be slow… but quick! There is a plane heading for the twin towers! call somebody before it is too | 575,833 |
My wife said she was watching he weight I told her to get some glasses.
Edit: I need some too | 575,834 |
I had an idea for a movie plot. A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.
I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too. | 575,835 |
What has America come to? We're letting a *black* president run the *WHITE* House! | 575,836 |
So I got a piece of ass this morning... my finger slipped through the paper. | 575,837 |
What do you call a terrorist video store? Blockbuster | 575,838 |
People ask me why I like the graveyard so much. I dig the graves. | 575,839 |
Blonde woman calls her boyfriend.... "Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.
Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"
"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."
Boyfriend looks at the table, takes his girlfriend by the hand and says "OK, let's sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we can start putting the cornflakes back in the box." | 575,840 |
A band are sailing around the coast of North Africa (this is a great joke by the way)
and they are looking for inspiration for a new song. They decide to make a stop in Algeria where an old man says that somewhere among the North African coastline, there is a beautiful melody being played. The band decide to go check it out.
They get back on their boat and set sail. They make a stop and approach the first man they see. The band greet him and he says, "Welcome to Morocco." They decided that this wasn't what they were looking for so they set sail again.
They approach another port and talk to the first man they see. "Welcome to Egypt" he said, and they decided this wasn't the right place either.
The days were getting longer and the band were starting to give up. Suddenly, one of the band members heard a faint tune and alerted the others. They all got excited and started to sail towards the noise. After a while, they see land and the melody can be heard clearly by all members of the band. This prompted one of the band members to shout:
"I can't believe it! Tunisia!" | 575,841 |
What do you call a communist video streaming service? Niet-flix. | 575,842 |
What did the Polack and the Native American name their kid? Running Stupid | 575,843 |
What's the difference between Barrack Obama and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods only wants to fuck your wife. | 575,844 |
I use bitcoin. That's my joke. | 575,845 |
This man was about to propose, until she revealed this detail... Steve and Sara met while on a Royal Caribbean singles cruise and Steve fell head over heels for her. And when they discovered they both lived in New York City Steve was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Steve had taken Sara to the movies, restaurants, concerts, and museums. Steve became convinced that Sara was indeed the one and his true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Steve took Sara to a fine dinning experience to Del Frisco’s restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Steve said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I like a little serious thought before our relationship continues to the next stage. So before I get out a box from my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I am a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breath golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Sara took a deep breath and responded, “Steve, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as who you are and I love golf too; but, if we are being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last 4 years I’ve been a hooker.”
“Oh wow! I see.” Steve replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a minute. Deep in serious thought then he added, “you know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.” | 575,846 |
Best joke of all time. Women's rights. | 575,847 |
Wizards of the Coast: Wizards of the Coast, and this is where the magic happens.
| 575,848 |
An aviation enthusiast enters a bar. He asks, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender laughs and says, "Sorry, we only have plain chips." | 575,849 |
A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it." Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car. After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, "Lady, why are you following me?" She explained what her father had told her and the driver said, "Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now. Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?" | 575,850 |
This sub is the best. It has salami, pepperoni, lettuce, black olives, green peppers, provolone cheese, and oil. 10/10 | 575,851 |
2 hunters Two hunters hunting in the mountains, one of which suddenly collapsed, and was very anxious. other hunter took out the emergency phone call to fight: my friends were injured in the fall how to do? !
Operator: Do not worry, you must make sure that he really hurt.
Then the operator heard a gunshot from the phone, hunter: the next step, how to do? ~ | 575,852 |
Daughter wants to borrow the car. So there's this girl who really wants to borrow her dad's car so she can go on a date. She asks her dad for the car and he says "Hunny you know the rules, if you want to borrow the car you need to suck my dick!" The daughter says "no dad that's fucking gross" and walks away.
A little while later the daughter returns. Desperate to get the car so she can go on the date she decides to suck her dads dick. She starts sucking and stops suddenly. "Dad why does your dick taste like shit?"
Dad laughs "oh yea, your brother has the car" | 575,853 |
I asked a girl to text me when she got home She must be homeless | 575,854 |
How did Canada get it's name? The forefathers decided the best way to name their new country was to pick letters out of a hat. "C eh, n eh, d eh" | 575,855 |
What online image hosting service do puppies use to post their puppy pictures? Imgrrrrrrr | 575,856 |
Why did a scientist disconnect his doorbell? because he wanted to win the No-bell prize!!
Sorry, I ll walk out | 575,857 |
What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummi bear. | 575,859 |
Dark comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it. | 575,860 |
I applied to Hogwarts the a few weeks back. Unfortunately, I didn't get accepted. Figured I could just Slytherin. | 575,861 |
A brunette goes into a doctor's office A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken." | 575,862 |
When you call shotgun, but the police put you in the back-seat anyway. | 575,863 |
What do we call that one small worm that won't shut up? A chatterpillar | 575,864 |
What do you call a British person playing a saxophone? An Anglo Saxin' | 575,865 |
I tried anal sex with my Japanese escort. She kept shouting, "Origami, origami!"
I knew she was digging it and was sure that meant something like "Great! Excellent!"
Next day while Golfing with my Japanese boss he shot a hole-in-one. I shouted, "Origami!!"
He turned to me with a puzzled look and said, "What you mean, wrong hole?" | 575,866 |
Group hugs are like.... Group hugs are like a G rated orgy | 575,867 |
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breathe, dummy!" | 575,868 |
Drunk a grocery store Drunk guy standing in line at a grocery store looks at the woman in front of him then down at her items at the register.
He says "You must be single"
The woman kinda annoyed but amazed says " OK I'll bite, how did you know that?"
Drunk man looks at her and slurs " Cause you're ugly" | 575,869 |
What's the most dangerous animal in the world? A Bluebird with a Tommy Gun. | 575,870 |
Why are people afraid to play poker in Africa? Too many Cheetahs. | 575,871 |
A group of children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
“Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.” | 575,873 |
I used to brush my teeth before I got hooked on plaque
I made this joke when my 2 year old son refused to brush his teeth | 575,874 |
Did you hear about the guy who bombed the printing press? He was breaking news | 575,875 |
What do Nazis do on a beach vacation? They ride on Adolf-in
no?
I'll see myself out. | 575,876 |
There once was this fly... And this fly was flying above a river.
In the river, there was this fish. This fish is swimming along, and looks up, sees the fly. Thinks, damn, if that fly drops 6 inches, i could have myself a nice little meal.
And next to the river was this bear. The bear is scoping the scene, and notices the fly, and the fish. The bear says to himself, if that fly drops 6 inches, the fish will get the fly, and i can get the fish and have myself a nice little meal.
Out by a tree on the treeline, there was a hunter. He noticed the bear, noticing the fish, noticing the fly. He thinks to himself, if that fly drops 6 inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, and i can shoot the bear, make a nice little rug for my wife.
Not far from the hunter, was a mouse. This mouse is scoping the scene. He says to himself, if that fly drops 6 inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, and the hunter will shoot the bear and i can go up and steal that hunters cheese sammich.
And not far from the mouse, was a cat. Once again, checking it all out. Thinks to himself, if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish will get the fly. The bear will get the fish. The hunter will get the bear. The mouse will get the sandwich, and i can get the mouse.
After several moments of tense anticipation, the fly drops 6 inches. Boom. Fish gets the fly. Bear gets the fish. Hunter shoots the bear. Mouse runs up to get the sandwich. And the cat leaps for the mouse, misses, and lands in the river.
Moral of the story is, if the fly drops 6 inches, the pussy is going to get wet. | 575,877 |
Its hard to say what my wife does for a living... ...because she sells seashells on the seashore | 575,878 |
I asked my young son, "What does a dog say?" I asked my young son, "What does a dog say?"
"Woof, woof!" he replied.
"What sounds does a cow make?" I asked.
"Mooooo, moooooooo!" he said, smiling proudly.
"Very good! Now, what sound does a *pig* make?"
And he yelled, "FREEZE, GET ON THE GROUND MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
| 575,879 |
I got a hand job from a blind girl last night... I got a hand job from a blind girl last night. She said "You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on." I replied "Nah, you're just pulling my leg." | 575,880 |
Police over radio -Reporting from the crime scene
-*What is the status officer?*
-A woman stabbed her husband 45 times because he stepped where she was cleaning
-*Have you arrested her yet?*
-No, the floor hasn't dried up yet | 575,881 |
which cola brand sources its water from the oceans? PepSi | 575,882 |
My mom is the most hip and tech savvy person I know! She needs every possible search toolbar conceivable so the internet can keep up with her! | 575,883 |
I was gonna tell a gay joke... but fuck it. | 575,884 |
Yeah.. 2 Girls 1 Cup I used to fap to that til I realized it wasn't ice cream. | 575,885 |
The band's name is 1023 MB. They haven't had any gigs yet. | 575,886 |
What's the cleanest animal on the savannah? The hygiena | 575,887 |
My wife keeps complaining about her nine to five job I must admit, 4:51 is a strange time to start work | 575,888 |
The Priest and the Horse A man goes to the racetrack and sees a priest blessing some horses. He realizes that every horse the priest blesses is winning, so the man starts betting on those horses. The man, one day, decides to bet all his money on a horse the priest is blessing. When the race starts, the horse drops dead. The man, after the race, goes and talks to the priest and says, "How come that horse didn't win, your horses always win." The priest replies, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Yes...", the man replies. The priest then says, "Well, then you'd know I was giving that horse it's last rites." | 575,889 |
What kind of fish is the worst friend? The Sel-Fish | 575,890 |
I put the SEXY in Dyslexic. Deal with ti | 575,891 |
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