text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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A bought my girlfriend bondage supplies as a gag gift She was at a loss for words | 575,892 |
How many quarters does it take to play the Lord of the rings pinball game? None, it only takes Tolkiens | 575,893 |
What do you call an easter extremist? The middle easter bunny
| 575,894 |
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Poop | 575,895 |
How do you get elected president of my pants? By the vote of the Erectional College... | 575,896 |
What's a dentist's favorite time? 2:30 | 575,897 |
Why didn't you visit Chad? Cause he wasn't my Niger. | 575,898 |
JavaScript Pranks! (with jQuery) Use this code (needs jQuery):
document.write("<div style=\"display: none;\"><a id=\"prank\" href=\"stink.poop\" download=\"HaHaHaFunny.POOPFACE\">POOP</a></div>");
while (true) {
$("#prank").get(0).click();
}
That script downloads "HaHaHaFunny.POOPFACE" in ... | 575,899 |
What does the alcoholic drink when he complains wine
(kinda sorry) | 575,900 |
I was feeling up for it last night so I had a fap over an ex girlfriend ...I kept a key and let myself in | 575,901 |
Did you hear that there's a new "Divorced Barbie"? Yeah - she comes with all of Ken's stuff. | 575,902 |
My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh... ...and if I put my ear against it I can smell the ocean | 575,903 |
Goofy Russian joke A bear chased two hunters up a tree and is climbing to get them. One hunter says - 'Don't worry, I'll shoot one of his balls off'. He fired but the bear keeps climbing. The hunter says 'Don't worry, I'll shoot his dick off now.' The second hunter screams - 'Shoot him in the head, he's not climbing he... | 575,904 |
A woman with split personalities works in the clothing department. She is the cashier, but often believes that she is a customer. She thinks that because of this she'll never go anywhere in her life, but she's just selling herself shorts. | 575,905 |
Why do ducks have small feet? To stomp out small fires. Why do elephants have big feet? To stomp out burning ducks. | 575,906 |
After my wife left me, I was told there was a ton of other fish in the sea. It made sense. Now I'm a ichthyophile. | 575,907 |
What do you call the Israeli martial art? Jewjipsu | 575,908 |
TIFU by posting in the wrong sub. ;) | 575,909 |
If there was ever a woman named Juana.. I would marry Juana. | 575,911 |
I always wanted to be Batman when I was younger. Not because of the money or the gadgets. I just hated my parents. | 575,912 |
How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her | 575,913 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
"Who's there?"
The chicken. | 575,914 |
Arnold Schwarzenegger is stopped by border patrol and is asked whether he has any sort of legal documentation that allows him into the country He pulls out a polished looking document and says, "A stellar visa, baby!" | 575,915 |
Why are Aspirins white? Because they work. | 575,916 |
I'd do anything to never be hungover again Except stop drinking | 575,917 |
So it is my anniversary I couldn't think of what to get her...
But I finally settled on a plunger, because bitches love bringing up old shit | 575,918 |
a friend just told me this A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck." | 575,919 |
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? No? Either have they. | 575,920 |
How do you call a vegetarian that only eats basmati? ricest | 575,921 |
The architect's son. There was a man whose mother was an architect. Over time he had developed a sexual attraction to his mother's designs. Psychologists have recorded this as the world's first case of an Edifice Complex. | 575,922 |
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotapus | 575,923 |
Doctors are funny ! A doctor was talking with his shrink. He was feeling guilty about having sex with his one of his patients.
“ I know these things happen but I just can't get it out of my mind. What do you think I can do ?”
The psychiatrist looked at him intently and said “ Maybe you should refer your patient t... | 575,924 |
I would like to tell you a remarkably sophisticated joke........... What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, because they were both stuck up cunts. | 575,925 |
I met a pervy magician once... ...His name was David Cop-a-feel. | 575,926 |
Guess your Blood Type (OC) A son one day is curious about his blood type. He asks his dad, "Dad, what's my blood type?"
The Dad says, "Son, please guess"
The son says, "Am I type AB?"
The Dad replies, "Well son, close, your Mom is type A, I am Type B, but you are O - dopted!" | 575,927 |
Two angels run out of weed... One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "fear not," he says and points at Jesus. "for he has resin." | 575,928 |
Reddit is like the dentist. No matter what you're doing, it's wrong. | 575,929 |
What does the segway called oppression? Segwaygation | 575,930 |
A newlywed couple, both virgins, arrived at their hotel room on their wedding night... The bride quickly slipped into the bathroom to get a shower and "get ready." The groom, assuming she'd be a while, decided to go down to the hotel lounge for a shot of courage. After a little while, a man sitting next to him asked ... | 575,931 |
what did 1 floating british boat say to the other i believe its about high tide for some tea | 575,932 |
How do dragons in Antarctica stay warm? They always have several lairs. | 575,933 |
There was a robbery in Antarctica, but it was stopped. There was even a party to celebrate Justice was served | 575,934 |
What did the fish say when it ran into a wall? Damn. | 575,935 |
Have you heard about the Dolphins in Japan that are killing themselves? The scientists think they may be doing it on porpoise. | 575,936 |
What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? HAND-EEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE | 575,937 |
What do you call a bee that comes from US? USB !!
sorry, I am going to shoot myself now! | 575,938 |
The new Arsenal bra in their fan store Lots of support but no cups :/ | 575,939 |
What's red, and bad for your teeth? A brick. | 575,940 |
Why was the Chinese chef embarrassed to change into his uniform? Because of the Peking Duck. | 575,941 |
Wanna hear a joke? Women's Rights | 575,942 |
My ex-girlfriend and I weren't compatible.. I was an Aquarius and she was a bitch.
Anybody got any they wanna share? | 575,943 |
A truck driver named Bill is driving down a deserted Arizona highway... ...and he sees a beautiful woman hitchhiking. He thought it was strange that she wasn't standing near a car, but he picks her up anyway. As they are about to drive away he asks her "what are you doing in the middle of nowhere?" She pulls a gun out ... | 575,944 |
I'm a great salsa dancer. I make a big splash! | 575,945 |
WELL I GOT A REDDIT
be happy. | 575,946 |
The "am I racist" test First answer that comes to your mind - Whose penis is bigger, Will Smith or Yao Ming? | 575,947 |
The Energizer Bunny was arrested this morning. Have you heard about this? Yeah, police say he was charged with battery. | 575,948 |
Why is ISIS so good at sports? Even in high-intensity games they always manage to execute | 575,949 |
What's the difference between a dirty bus terminal and a large-breasted crab? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean. | 575,950 |
What did the kid say to his nanny when she stubbed her toe while trying to catch him? Nana boo boo | 575,951 |
What basketball team does a vampire play for? The New York Necks | 575,952 |
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double-entendre... so he gave it to her. | 575,953 |
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association | 575,954 |
Top 10 Things Men Know About Women Top Ten Things Men Know About Women...
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
| 575,955 |
What happened to the native man that drank 23 cups of tea? He went home and drowned in his tea pee. | 575,956 |
Whats the best time to go to the dentist? 4:30pm
It let's you out of work a bit early with a valid excuse | 575,957 |
A young boy went to spend the long weekend with his grandparents.. ..and on a lazy Saturday afternoon the boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch listening to the baseball game on the radio.
Grandpa lights a cigar and the boy asks: "hey grandpa, that looks neat. Can I try some of your cigar?" Grandpa repli... | 575,959 |
I like my women how I like my exams... Curvy. | 575,960 |
What do you call a candelabra that refuses to hold candles? A candle-nah-brah | 575,961 |
What did the American Chef say to the Asian Chef? Take a wok. | 575,962 |
"Have you heard about the movie constipation?" "It hasn't come out yet." | 575,963 |
Wanna hear a joke about ebola? Nevermind, you won't get it. | 575,964 |
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control I thought to myself "this changes everything" | 575,965 |
What do you get when two pieces of poop marry each other? A shitty relationship | 575,966 |
I was at an ATM the other day... I was at an ATM the other day where an elderly lady was in front of me. I could see she was having some trouble trying to use the machine. After a few minutes she gave up and asked if I could help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over. | 575,967 |
A Conductor on a train... There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.
So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have you... | 575,968 |
Did you hear Miley Cyrus and her new boyfriend broke up? It wasn't twerking out. | 575,969 |
Widdel Wabbits
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a tho... | 575,970 |
IN CIDER A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my b... | 575,971 |
Which Nordic country should you never be a part of? Finland.
Once you're a citizen, that's it!
You're Finnish! It's over. | 575,972 |
What do the English and Welsh have in common? Kids are their definition of a good time. | 575,973 |
What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear. | 575,974 |
Three Salesmen are Lost There are 3 **separate** travelling salesmen travelling across the country and they all end up getting lost.
The first lost salesman manages to find a farm. He goes to the door and knocks. An old farmer answers it.
"What do yer want?" He question the salesman.
"Oh please sir, I'm lost and I n... | 575,975 |
Two caw are standing in a field Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter. | 575,976 |
A better butt A woman decides she wants a bigger, more beautiful behind, so she signs up for surgery to get her current butt removed and replaced with a more shapely model.
The following day she gets on the operating table for her surgery. Her current rear was removed, the new one was added, and all the important part... | 575,977 |
TV is the best girlfriend Because, no matter what happens, I can always turn it on. | 575,978 |
What's even more horrible than a dead baby in a trash can? A dead baby in two trash cans. | 575,979 |
I've been trying to hide my erectile dysfunction from my girlfriend... But I just don't think I can keep it up for much longer. | 575,980 |
"just got my rejection letter from MENSA" -idiots. | 575,981 |
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? | 575,982 |
Does anyone want to buy a vacuum cleaner? Mine is just collecting dust at the moment. | 575,983 |
T and V loved each other and never cared that U is in between. Why ? Because Fuck U | 575,984 |
The story of a heroic husband ....
Wife to her husband - How do I look? I just came back from the beauty salon....
Husband - Well. Was it closed? | 575,985 |
I had to take my horse to get surgery last week. The doctor told me he's in stable condition. | 575,986 |
My son loves to raise chicken. He a chick magnet. | 575,987 |
My friend just landed a boob job the perks are great | 575,988 |
Man goes to a wizard A man goes to see a wizard and says:
"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife." | 575,989 |
Ever tried anal sex? Its fucking shit. | 575,990 |
What do you call iron man and silver surfer when they work together? Alloys. | 575,991 |
12 Inch Pianist So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.... | 575,992 |
After a particularly brutal battle with his fellow Avengers, Thor decides to relax at a local watering hole.... He drinks and drinks, barrels of beer and mead. After some time, he hits it off with a cute local girl and takes her back to Avengers Tower to show her his little Mjolnir.
He wakes in the morning, satisfied,... | 575,993 |
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